Erik's diary
27th December, '81
I am so happy still about Christmas and this peace and love we are in, and the first time in my life, I am kind of optimistic about the coming year. Maybe 1882 will bring me happiness? Will she stay with me? I hope so. We shall wait and see and I try not to worry about the coming months. It goes as it goes… we try to hope. Hope was a word I tried to dismiss from my dictionary for a long time but it always keeps returning. Maybe once, I will have a reason to hope.
I have never been happier in my life. I can't even say it is like a dream, as I hardly ever had pleasant dreams in my life before, only nightmares or restless few hours I spent in sleep. The only thing I know is if this current one is a dream I don't want to wake up ever.
To spend the days with her is better than how I imagined to have someone with me. In my fantasies when I was daydreaming about Christine and our marriage, I did not dare to dream about physical contact as Erik is so disgusting, I did not dare to hope one would be able to touch him without disgust, or allow him to touch her. And Juti does both. I am always allowed and welcome to touch her, and I am still trying to get used to this fact. I don't dare to pet her half as much as she does me, but I try my best to show her love what she deserves. And she pets me everytime she passes me. Oh such a delight always…
Or well… not always. And this is a new thing that freaks me out.
I know, I know, I always freak out about something, I start to get utterly tired of myself. I should be thankful that she touches such a monster, such a skeleton, a horrid creature, and here I go, making up problems for myself when I don't have any. Erik should be happy, and still he has problems. Such an ungrateful being he is, he does not deserve love, he feels, as when he receives love he was yearning for, he can't always be happy or grateful for it as he should be. Not even a mother could touch him, yet I read that a mother's love is stronger than anything. How could I expect someone to love me if Mother could not? And she does. And sometimes… I don't… well, I am not saying I don't want to be touched. As it is not true. I do, I enjoy being touched. But… I can't word normally what I feel sometimes.
I only thought there will be a person with me to talk to, to ease my loneliness, that I could take her for a walk, watch her walking and living around me, to be able to spoil her with gifts she will like, to be able to teach her, but I did not dream of receiving kisses or someone holding my hand or sitting on my lap. Juti is doing it repeatedly now that I did not protest about it. It feels good, yet I am still not too fond of it. Yes… it is so… mixed. I like and dislike it at the same time.
It is too much for me sometimes, I am not used to so much contact and sometimes a strange kind of fear wakes in me and I feel like I don't get enough room and breath. And I would so pull away sometimes when she hugs me, or put her off of my lap when she comes to me sometimes, as I feel like I was going to die, and I need a lot of effort not to panic. Every time a person came to touch me before, they did so for the reason to hurt me. I know Juti does not want to hurt me, but old habits die hard. I got used to avoiding situations of physical contact as much as possible, and I have to force myself to accept it. I know she would be extremely hurt as, on the other hand, I am also extremely hurt if a person pulls away from my touch. I have no heart to hurt one of the kindest human beings to me ever by tossing her away when she hugs me with so much love?
She did not seem to notice my feelings thankfully. I'd die of shame if she saw my thanklessness.
It does not always happen, only sometimes. Sometimes when she pets me for more times that day, or wen she hugs me tighter than I would enjoy it at that moment. I say nothing. I don't pull away. It is my stupidity I want to and it annoys me to no end and I force myself to stop acting up. I hope one day it stops and I will be able to enjoy love without this stupidity.
Juti's POV
I always do things wrong. I never think of anything or anyone else than myself and I hurt everyone I love. I think I literally just ruined everything with Erik and he will never ever trust me any more. I was stupid and went too far. Everything was going so well until now. He will never talk to me ever and it is only my fault. If I could change what I did I would. I literally don't dare to go near him right now but I would so ask him to forgive me for what I did. I don't even know what was on my mind when I acted out, it just… happened.
I have a silly hobby to act out scenes of some operas or musicals I love a lot. Erik knows about it as well, because I told him after he caught me on singing male arias to myself while I was alone. Usually I play all of the roles, if there are more lines at the same time, I chose the ones I like the most or which complete the melody the most. Once or twice I showed it to him as well (not often as it embarrasses me a bit that I act with myself, but he refused to be a duet partner to see what I can do) and it entertained him actually. He praised me for my acting skills and that I change my voice enough for male parts.
Well, as he wasn't home this morning, I chosed to entertain myself by singing Phantom of the Opera to myself, acting out the whole thing part by part. I was having fun, sometimes laughing at myself when I wasn't able to hit an extra high note. I knew Erik would be a bit of irritated as he always warned me not to force notes I could not reach, as it was bad for my training.
I was at the Final Lair scene when he returned. I did not notice him at first, as Erik had a habit of walking around as softly as a cat, and I made a lot of noise by singing with full acting anyway. I altered my voice to sound like Michael Crawford and grabbed my invisible partner by the shoulder and I turned around with a spin while I sang "Turn around and face your fate…" when my heart sank with shame and sudden fright as I noticed my slightly annoyed teacher standing behind my back, with arms crossed.
I had no idea how much of the play did he hear, and I gasped, turned bright red of embarrassment, caught in the act, and I did what my silly and confused mind considered to be the best solution for the situation I got in: skip the worst parts he sure would not want to hear and give him affection to ease his pain about the subject I brought up. I looked deeply into his eyes, smiled, then took a few steps towards him, now singing as Christine:
"Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God gave me courage to show you you are not alone!"
Again, I don't know what part of this seemed all right to me before I did it. Erik, I think wasn't sure what I wanted as he just stood there, sighed deeply and looked at me the same way as he did before when I arrived in front of him. I hugged his neck and he gave me a surprised little glance when I leaned close to him and kissed him on the lips.
No, it wasn't an actual passionate kiss like in the play, but I gave a quite long peck on the closed lips. I never did so before, as I kissed only his forehead or face before. His eyes grew wide, seemingly he got scared of me, and he backed away from the kiss, stretched out both his hands in front of himself to toss me away and protect himself from me, and turned his head away, seemingly in disgust. He walked even further, wheezing.
- Wha… wha…. What the…? – He stuttered for a few seconds before he wiped his lips off by his sleeve. Suddenly he sent such a glance towards me that he could have murdered me brutally by only this one glance if it was possible. I could see sudden anger, or even hatred…? Why did he react this way? Yes, maybe he did not wish to be kissed this way, but why did he get so hateful?
- Erik… - I wanted to explain my stupid behavior to him and ask him not to be angry, but I did not have time for that as when he saw I took a few steps closer, he pointed at me and gasped.
- No… go away! – He protested, clearly on a voice bitter from disappointment and rage, then he turned around and fled straight to his room.
He banged the door shut behind him, and even locked it by key. The wall covered the door again after a few moments, so even the wall separated me from him now. I don't remember this happening before that Erik locked me out of his room. I had no problem entering on that night when he had a nightmare and I comforted him, yet we did not know each other for only a few weeks back then, which was mostly just covered by my illness. Now he found it necessary to lock me out. I understand of course.
I forced myself on him, without thinking, I did not know if he was ready to kiss this way, and I clearly knew he did not want me as a "girlfriend". What made me think it will be a good idea? What? Why can't I act normally as anyone else? Why do I always have to hurt the ones I love?
I think it would not be the best idea to talk to him now, even if I could open the door. I forced myself enough on him for the day, and I just should go to Hell and think about what I did.
I sat down on my bed with my new violin on my knee, gently stroking the G string, sometimes mindlessly plucking on the stings in pizzicato mode to make the softest sounds possible. I was so happy about my violin. He gave it to me out of love and that's how I repay him, to scare him like this. I should have known it will end badly. Just as I looked back in my memories, Erik got freaked out for much less things as well in the past. In the spring, when I saw his face for the first time and just caressed him, he fainted. When I kissed his cheek he got so worked up he literally had no idea how to react other than crying and he needed a ton of time to compose himself enough to go on. And even though I knew all of the above, and the fact he considers me as a kind of child, I kissed him on the lips. Poor Erik, I just hope he recovers…
God… just came to mind… if a simple caress made him faint, what could a kiss on the lips cause? Did the poor guy just suffer through a heart attack because of me?
I had to convince myself many times in my mind that I had to check on him. I don1t understand myself, I am not afraid of him. Then why suddenly I don't want to go to his door? The answer is, I guess, it is too bad to look what I've done. I was sure he would not want to talk, but at least we have to try. I tapped on the wall and as I already knew the mechanism it was easy to have the door revealed. I knocked three times, as it was usually the way he knocked on my door as well. No answer. No answer from him alarmed me a bit, so I swallowed in uncomfortable realization that maybe he was really ill, or in danger. It can, of course, still happen that he just doesn't want to be bothered, and choses not to communicate, but I tend to imagine the worst of possibilities always. I knocked again. Still no answer.
- Erik…! – I called out softly. – Please… !
He said nothing and I heard no noise from inside. At least he could move or make some noise… he could play music… he did play when I scared him like this to calm himself. One more sign he might be sick… maybe he can't play music. All is because of me… I have to help him, even if he does not want to talk, I have to check if he was all right. I pressed the doorknob, but the door was still locked. Well, I know it was a very impolite thing to do, but I knew another way to enter Erik's room. I had to run to his bathroom and a door linked the bathroom with his room so he could go to the bathroom from directly his room without escaping to the hall. That door wasn't locked. Erik does not think of minor details when he is angry or emotionally worked up, so I entered the room to end up right next to the fireplace.
It was too dark to see a thing, but I was searching mainly for his eyes. As they were glowing in the dark, it was easy to find him by them. I could see no golden burning spots, so I guessed he kept his eyes closed. I did not want to bother him by lighting a lamp, however I knew where they were, I just tried to catch a sound, and paid attention for his breathing. I could only hear mine. God.
- E…Erik…? - I whimpered. – Please…
No matter how I tried to catch the slightest noise, softer than a whisper, I could hear nothing. I did not care any more, I lit the nearest lamp. The room was completely empty.
What? But he did not escape his room as the door was closed… but might be he used the other way as well, just like me? Or does he have a shortcut I don't know of? Well, at least he might be all right if he had enough strength to leave all by himself. I wasn't sure what to do. I sat down on his couch, crying, and praying to God that he will do a miracle and fix the things I messed up. I loved Erik and did not want him to feel so miserably just because I was a stupid whore. I ended up chasing him out of his own house with my stupidity. Thank you, Juti, for being an insufferable idiot!
I don't know how much time passed. I chose not to look at the clocks in the house in the following time, but after a while Erik's watch he left on the table in his room, did stop eventually anyway, or it already stopped by the time he left I don't know. Old mechanical pocketwatches stopped in every 24 hours if they weren't wound up, as I knew, so maybe Erik either forgot to wind it up (which scenario was highly unlikely as he was obsessed with knowing the time), or he was away for more than 24 hours. It could be the case as I had time to think for a long periods of times, trying to practice the violin to have my mind off of the subject which was bothering me, and I got more and more tired and hungry as I was alone. It was hard to occupy myself and I had no urge to do anything as we went later and later in time. I mostly spent the time in Erik's room, but it was so horribly empty I eventually walked back to the Louis Philippe room and wandered around the house all alone, waiting for the slightest noise to give me hope.
I started to lose hope more and more as there was no sign of him. Maybe he never returns…? What if he went to… do something… stupid…? He could not… But why does he always leave me all alone here in the dark? Once when he went to that woman and he came home drunk, he played this same little play with me. Maybe he will come home drunk again, if he comes home at all? I don't even mind if he is drunk… just I wish him home safe.
I might have fallen asleep while thinking and worrying and silently crying on Erik's couch, as I don't remember how he showed up again in the room. The only thing I know for 100 percent is when I noticed him I wanted to jump up to greet him, but I suddenly remembered back it might not be the best solution to jump in his arms right away, so I did not dare to move in the end, I was only laying there on the couch, curled up, and watched him coming closer.
- I locked the door. – He scratched his head. – I just opened it. How did you get in? Are you the new Trapdoor Lover?
I was trying to identify the emotions in his voice before I replied, but his voice sounded rather casual. I cautiously asked:
- Are you angry about it?
- Just curious. But maybe you came through the bathroom, now I figured out.
- Yes. – I nodded.
- And what are you doing here?
- You… said I… was allowed to come in.
- Why do you take each question as if I was about to beat you up? – He sighed irritatedly. – I am merely trying to communicate.
- Sorry. – I sat up, looking at him in desperation. – May I… go closer?
- Oh come on… what the Hell is your problem? Why are you afraid of me suddenly?
- I am not afraid. – I cried.
- Stop crying it annoys me. If you whine like this, then go out.
- I stopped… I am not. – I tried my best to compose myself enough to talk.
- So: what has happened?
- I made you angry.
- You did, but it is all right.
- So… you are still angry?
- It depends. – He sighed.
- I am sorry I… I did not know that you will be angry.
- Everyone gets angry when teased. I don't know what such a surprise was for you about it.
- Teased? – I gasped in shock.
- Yes. Or did you not do it to tease me…?
- The Phantom musical was not about teasing you, I just…
- I know! I did not mean that, but the part when you attempted to kiss me like I was your fiancé!
- Do you think I kissed you because I wanted to tease you? – I looked at him with disbelief. – How could I do such thing?
- So you… meant it? – His jaw dropped.
- Mhm… - I nodded. – I did.
- You… you sure?
- I am. – I lowered my head to avoid eye contact with him. The problem again wasn't what I thought it was.
- Seems like I misunderstood your intent. – He admitted mechanically. – I thought, with your performance combined it was just part of the show, and I got upset you would make fun of my emotions that way.
- I did not think you would… think that. I was embarrassed by the fact you saw me performing all the roles of Phantom and… I just wanted to kiss you to make you feel better.
- At first, you could have just told me instead of going on with the play. Like this, it was kind of misleading for me, just as it was not real life, only a roleplay. Secondly, I wish to ask you not to initiate unknown bodily contact with me, especially not when I am confused as I thought all of that was a game.
- I promise.
- I have to admit that I am trying to get used to your touch still. I… did not want to tell you, because… I… I am ashamed of me being thankless.
- Erik, you are not…
- Hush, please, I am trying to… confess something and… just listen. So, sometimes I feel uncomfortable when you sit on my lap.
- Why didn't you tell me, I am not going to if it bothers you.
- It does not… always bother me. But… sometimes.
- Okay, tell me when it bothers you and I am not going to.
- And won't you get offended? – He looked at me with worry. – I did not dare to tell you because I know… so of all the people on Earth I know how much rejection hurts. And I did not want to hurt you.
- Erik, you are not hurting me if you don't want me to sit on your lap sometimes, or you are absolutely free to reject anything you don't want me to do. Love isn't about allowing everything to the other person you know… I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe I was too much sometimes… I can be.
- Rather I am not used to being touched. It is not your fault. I just… well I just will tell you to stop if you don't mind.
- Not at all. You should have earlier as well. – I smiled at him warmly, but did not touch him as usual. He smiled as well, relaxing a bit. He went through an uncomfortable confession and it turned out well.
- I am sorry I caused trouble. – I apologized.
- You never cause trouble. – He replied kindly. – Erik tends to over react. Well… I am also sorry I left you alone for so much time. I needed time to calm down and think things through.
- Will you think it as controlling if I ask where you were?
- I would rather not answer that question, but I inform you I had a place to sleep at if you worry about that.
- Oh I see. – I nodded. Yes, actually I was just worried about Erik's well – being so I got content with his answer, which fact pleased him.
- I left because I knew you would want to talk to me, no matter how much I tell you not to, and I was rather angry at you, so I just wished to prevent a situation which happened before. If something like this happens, don't panic. Erik returns eventually when he managed to calm down. – He explained. – It was for your own good.
- Erik, I would never… never mock you. – I said softly.
To be honest it hurt my feelings a bit that he still could imagine such a thing was possible.
- I know it with my mind. – He replied composedly. – The problem is that a person has a heart as well, other than a clear mind, and Erik's common sense refuses to work when he is upset, mostly. You know well that I am touchy. I try to overcome it, but it is not easy and I act before I think.
- I tend to be the same way, with talking out loud.
- I know. Maybe, if it wasn't impossible, I'd say you inherited it from me.
- Maybe it is not even as far- fetched. Can't I be a great-granddaughter of yours by a chance? – I giggled.
- I highly doubt it. For more reasons. At first you look nothing like me, thank God.
- But we have a lot in common. Musical talent, sense of humor, determination, being both of us caring and protective of someone we love, touchiness, impatience, mood swings, stimming, and love for word jokes. Maybe I just inherited your inner spirits… toned down a bit with passing generations.
- And how should that work out, knowing that fathering a child requires a special kind of activity…?
- Which activity you admitted you do regularly. – I pointed out, grinning.
- Well, "regularly" is a bit of an exaggeration. – He snorted a bit of annoyance. – And well, I doubt I ever fathered anything that way. I would hope so at least, that I did not.
- Would you not want a child? – I asked, sitting down next to him.
- Who would want to give birth to a child of a monster? – He shook his head. – And even if he finds a blind and mentally challenged woman that will agree to have a baby with him, and that thing is born, and will look like Erik…?
- Then what would you do? – I got curious. – I write a fanfiction of you with that subject.
- You wrote I had a child? – He eyed me with suspicion. – With whom? You?
- No. Christine.
- Oh… poor Christine. – He sighed deeply.
- So what would you do? – I returned to the subject stubbornly.
- Most likely I would just… end its sufferings. – He stood up, looking at me darkly. – Did you write that, eh?
- No. It was your first reaction though, that you wanted. But you changed your mind.
- You know me somewhat. Yet I would not change my mind about it.
- Not even if Christine asked you not to? If she begged?
- Why do you have to torture me with such painful theories of yours? Can't you be happy for the fact I returned? Do you want me to go away again?
I slapped my mouth with a sudden realization that yet again I was an idiot. I loved to discuss story ideas with my friends, for example Bron, and I just discussed Devil's Little Face's beginning with the original Erik my story was based on, forgetting the fact for a few seconds that he was a human being with emotions, not just a cleverly written fictional character.
- I am sorry Erik… I am stupid… - I chewed on my nails worriedly.
- By the way… who needs theories when I do have a child, who looks nothing like me, thankfully…? Hm?
He sat down next to me, pulling me close to himself, resting my head against his shoulder.
- You… you not mad…?
- Hush. – He put his long finger on my lips and gently rocked me back and forth to help me with anxiety. – You are my child, I can see that. You act the same way if you are scared. But I won't scare you again. I will protect you from everything.
Softly he started humming to me, soothingly stroking my hair with his long, cold and thin fingers. It would have given anyone else disgust, meeting his cold skin, but he could bring me so much peace and calm I was thankful for. I felt safe with him. No one and nothing can harm me if Erik is here to watch over me.