Chapter 21

Laughter filled the room that night as the family enjoyed Rachel's special food for that Christmas Eve. Louise made an effort to take part in the joy of the festivity even though the knowledge that her husband wasn't with her broke her soul. She tried to put the thought at the back of her mind and focus on the here and now. She told herself that she had many reasons to be thankful for. She was free after long years of physical and personal captivity; she had two lovely angels in her children and a husband who loved her; and her friends were a living testimony of her lucky existence. She wasn't alone anymore and that realization was the most special present she could have this year.

Louise looked around the table. Like usual, the children had eaten their food quickly and ran to play. Teaspoon was at the head of the table and for once he was quiet. It seemed he was enjoying the roast too much to interrupt the pleasure by talking. It was Cody who had the strange ability to eat as much as possible and eat at the same time. He was telling his usual exaggerated accounts while Jimmy kept teasing him. It was a real show to see those two when they were together and Lou found herself laughing hard for the first time in years.

Next to Teaspoon sat Rachel. She had let her hair down tonight and was wearing a beautiful embroidered blouse that accentuated her very evident curves and bosom. She had an especial shine and beauty today. No wonder Paul kept looking at her with obvious pleasure. Rachel had never left men indifferent, even those who wouldn't pursue a romantic relationship with her. Lou sometimes thought that Paul could be a nice match for her friend, but she knew that despite Paul's obvious keen looks, the man was not interested in romance, which was a real shame, according to Lou's opinion.

And the last person at the table was Jenny. The poor woman looked very uncomfortable in her advanced pregnancy and kept shifting and fidgeting in her seat. The baby was due in a couple of months. Lou imagined that it wouldn't be very pleasant for Jenny to think that her husband wouldn't be there when she gave birth. Jenny, though, didn't let out any of that, she never complained. Lou really admired her determination and her spirit. Jenny was taking Buck's absence much better than Lou was coping with Kid's. These months felt too long and Lou didn't know how she would endure the rest of the time without her husband.

After dinner, they moved to the living room. As usual, Teaspoon sat in the big armchair and read the Christmas story to Joseph and Celeste. He hadn't counted on Joseph's enthusiasm and curiosity, which was soon joined by Celeste's. Joseph wasn't satisfied with Teaspoon's first reading and kept asking the marshal to tell them more stories from the Bible. According to the boy, Teaspoon read better than anybody else and he liked the way the marshal used different voices for every character.

Lou smiled as Teaspoon cleared his throat before starting reading another passage. As the man droned on, Louise looked down and caressed her daughter's soft head. Alice had just had her milk and it seemed she also liked listening to Teaspoon's rough voice because she had fallen asleep in no time. Lou rose and lay Alice in her basinet, covering her with a soft blanket.

As Louise sank down back on the sofa, she took the letter from Kid she had received today, the best present this Christmas, at least the best she could aspire since having her husband with her was out of question. His letter had the same tone as usual, an expression of his love and longing for her.

Her eyes eagerly read the words she almost knew by heart already but stopped when a voice talked by her side. "When are you going to put that down? Aren't you tired?"

Lou looked up and found Jimmy sitting next to her and looking at her with a strange expression. "I'm fine, Jimmy," she replied, folding the letter and placing it in its envelope as if she wanted to protect her treasure from strange eyes. Lou sent Jimmy an uncomfortable look. She didn't know why, but there was something odd in her friend's attitude lately. He looked at her in a very weird way as if he were studying or assessing her all the time. Lou had thought that after sorting out their differences a few days ago, things between them would be like they had always been, but she had been wrong. There was a real sense of strangeness between them, and even though she had tried to act casual and breezy around him, he always made her feel self-conscious and awkward.

Jimmy shifted on the sofa closer to her and his eyes looked straight into hers. "I can't understand how Kid can be so stupid as to leave his beautiful wife for all these months," he said in a low voice.

"We have to go through this. We need the money," Lou explained.

"Money," Jimmy echoed as his finger casually traveled along the backrest behind Lou. "Such a shame! Money always interferes with love and romance. Doesn't that bother you?"

"I guess it does," Lou replied indifferently.

They remained in silence for a few moments. Jimmy scooted over and placed himself very close to her, both their thighs touching. "I'm glad we've spent Christmas together. It's been great."

"Yes..." Lou replied, feeling uncomfortable in the small space Jimmy left her on the sofa because of his closeness.

"We had so much fun in the old days, don't you think? Sometimes I wish we could travel back to those times," he remarked, his eyes looking into hers intensely.

"Yes, you're right."

"Lou, can I make a little confession?" he asked with a smile. Louise stared at him, wondering if he had drunk a bit too much tonight. He was acting very strangely, smiling that weird smile, saying all that about old times. James Hickok didn't talk like that and Lou felt kind of wary of him. After a brief pause, Lou nodded to his question and Jimmy continued, "Well, I guess you already know, but let me tell you I had a little crush on you back in the old days… well, not so little, it was a big crush." Louise blushed, somehow pleased by his not-so-new confession and Jimmy added, "Remember when we kissed?"

"Yes," Louise whispered, lowering her eyes.

"Lou, what would have happened if that sheriff hadn't appeared?"

Louise shrugged her shoulders. "Probably nothing."

"Are you sure?"

Louise met his eyes this time as she said, "Jimmy, I'm tired of thinking what if I had done this, what if I had done that. The past is in the past and it should be left alone."

"I guess you're right," Jimmy agreed. "But just let me ask you something, Lou. Didn't you feel something for me too in those days? I'm curious."

Louise sighed. She didn't feel comfortable with the conversation Jimmy seemed so intent to have. "Maybe I did," she muttered vaguely.

Jimmy smiled, satisfied. "I knew you did and I'm glad to hear that." He paused and almost automatically his body leaned closer to her, their faces almost inches apart. "Lou, you know something?" he whispered, his breath caressing the skin on her face. "Sometimes the present grants us new opportunities to sort out our unfinished businesses. It's not healthy to let those little frustrations fester inside us. We need to take them out in the air and stop that discomfort." Louise stared at him with big, open eyes, which widened when she felt his finger brush against her hand meaningfully. "Don't you get lonely in your big bed all night by yourself?"

Louise swallowed hard. "Sometimes," she managed to say in a strained voice. Jimmy smiled enticingly and she dared to have a look around. Teaspoon continued busy with the children but there wasn't anybody else. Lou didn't know where the rest had gone. Her eyes turned to Jimmy's again and she noticed the depth of them, desire and lust shining in them. "Jimmy?"

"Yes, Lou?" he whispered without stopping the enticing motions of his finger on Lou's hand.

"Come with me," Lou said. "Let's… let's take this somewhere more private."

Jimmy grinned, satisfied. "You've read my thoughts," he said and rose to his feet as he followed Lou out of the room.

The sounds of ragged breaths resounded in the darkness of the place. His arms spread over her stretched ones over her head, relishing the tenderness of her skin and its silky feeling. Their lips didn't rest a second as they explored and discovered the passion that had come to the surface tonight as an unexpected surprise. Her mouth opened, giving him better access. It felt too long since a man had paid real homage to her body as she wanted, and she now realized how much she needed it. Maybe this was crazy, maybe this shouldn't be happening, but she couldn't stop. She knew she was a sensual woman and needed attention. Abstinence wasn't for her at all and as she enjoyed herself in his arms, she realized how deep her needs really were.

A contented smile left her lips as she noticed his arms travelling down her body and fumbling with the buttons on her blouse. They stopped their kissing as she sat up and helped him to remove the garment. They smiled at each other and his eyes avidly stared at her chest in the white camisole. Without stopping his caresses, he whispered, "You know they'll be wondering where we are."

"Probably," she replied with a mischievous smile. "Do you really care?"

"Me? Not really," he replied but suddenly his ministrations stopped, and she looked up surprised.

"What's wrong?"

"Rachel, I don't want to continue if you aren't sure about this," Paul said, staring at her green eyes in the dark hayloft.

"I'm sure," she replied, kissing and licking his lips for demonstration.

"Rachel," Paul continued, "I like you, but you know what I feel about women. I can lust for you, long for you, but my heart is out of this equation. I'm not going to deceive you and tell you you're the woman of my dreams after this."

"My heart is out too," she assured him. "And I'm sure." Without another word, Rachel removed her camisole, freeing her breasts from their prison and displaying them to his lust-filled eyes. Her hands entangled with his and brought them to cover her breasts. "That really feels good," she whispered huskily in his ear and as his hands skillfully continued getting to know her passion filled body, Rachel engaged his mouth once again and lay down on the hay, bring him down with her. She foresaw a magical night ahead. The sky outside might be dark and gloomy, but Rachel knew that tonight she would definitely see the stars.

Louise walked into her bedroom, followed closely by Jimmy. As soon as he stepped inside, his hands rushed to rest on her slender shoulders. At his touch, Louise swirled around in a flash as she barked, "Get off me, stupid!"

Jimmy was surprised by her angry reaction, but kept a calm demeanor. "I know you like action, Lou. Don't act so prudish and pretend with me because I do know you," he said as his hand reached to touch her face.

Lou slapped his hand away. "Stop it! What the hell do you think you're doing? What the hell was all that nonsense downstairs?"

"I know all about your dirty games, your double face and how you are cheating on Kid!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Kid's a good man and doesn't deserve to be betrayed again by a cheap woman like you!"

Lou's cheeks flamed in anger and shame. She had never heard Jimmy talk about her in those terms and she wasn't going to allow him to demean her whatever the circumstances. "What are you saying?"

"I know everything about the fella I saw here the other day… that Charlie. He told me in full detail how well you know each other," Jimmy said in the same excited tone.

"There's nothing between me and Charlie. My heart belongs to one man only, my husband, and I don't fool around with other men," Lou explained, trying to keep calm even though it hurt to hear Jimmy's accusations.

Jimmy was still skeptical. "That's not what he said. He even mentioned your baby girl is his," Jimmy said and as Lou lowered her eyes in clear admission, he exclaimed, "I can't believe it! It's true he's Alice's father!"

Lou lifted her eyes to his stunned ones. "Look, Jimmy. I'm not gonna give you a full account of my life because we wouldn't have enough time. I… I've done things I'm not proud of. Naturally, Kid knows Alice ain't his. We weren't together when I got pregnant, but Kid's been like a father to Alice since she was born. He was there from the very first moment. Charlie is just… a mistake. I really have no relationship with him… at all, and when Kid returns, he'll know about Charlie. I don't want any more lies between me and my husband."

Jimmy listened to her carefully, but wasn't sure if he could believe her. "That man seemed very sure of what he was saying," he insisted.

Lou started to feel irritated. "Of course it's up to you who you want to believe: a blabbermouth you know next to nothing about or me. But I guess you've forgotten you know me."

Hickok let out a sigh, sounding defeated. "Yes, Lou, you're right."

"Jimmy, I love Kid, I swear," Louise said, putting her heart in every word she was uttering. "He's the only man I've ever loved, the one and only. There's nobody else and there will never be."

Jimmy noticed Lou's bright eyes and thick voice, and his doubts vanished. "I'm sorry, Lou."

At his apology Louise remembered what had started their conversation, the stunt Jimmy had tried to pull on her. "And what did you intend with that stupid seducing game now?"

Jimmy blushed, feeling embarrassed at his clumsy trick. "I… I wanted to unmask you and your deceit," Jimmy muttered, "… prove you were the same unreliable, betraying woman you left years ago and hurt Kid real bad. But you have to believe me, I wouldn't have gone all the way to the end."

Louise nodded sadly. "You wanted to humiliate me," she muttered wretchedly.

"Lou, that's not it!" Jimmy protested. "When you left, Kid was completely devastated. We'd never seen him so low and unhappy before. We were all worried sick. We even feared that he wanted to meet his death when he decided to leave for the war, but we couldn't convince him to stay."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" Lou asked sarcastically.

"Lou, please forgive me," Jimmy said in a pitiful tone. "It wasn't fair of me to try to entrap you. That wasn't honest."

Louise shook her head. "There's nothing to forgive," she whispered, her eyes downcast. "I'm glad Kid has such a good friend in you. He's very lucky."

Hickok placed a finger under her chin and tilted her face to him. "I'm also your friend, Lou," he said with a smile. "And, well, think of this little misunderstanding as a confirmation to my firm belief that Kid's a very lucky fella. You've proved to me that you're a loyal wife to him and let me tell you that not many women would say no to Jimmy Hickok."

Louise smiled sadly and let herself be drawn to his embrace. She knew she shouldn't be surprised that everybody could think the worst of her, given her past history. She had to prove that she was a reliable mother and now she had to show Jimmy she really loved Kid. Lou was getting tired already. When would she be able to walk in life without having the interferences of her past? It seemed that she couldn't escape when Charlie's tongue was ready to loosen up whenever somebody wanted to hear him. Jimmy was her friend and he had first believed him over her. Then what should she expect from others? Lou was frightened, scared of the harm that simple nitwit could do to her and her family. She was working hard to overcome her past, face her demons and be strong for her family, but what could she do about something that escaped her control? This was totally frustrating. Why couldn't she be allowed some break, some relief? She was now trying to lead a good life, and even though she deserved this as a punishment, her children and Kid should be saved from it. And the worst was that she had brought this upon them. Only her. Lou felt tears falling down her cheeks at the realization. The strength she had built up for these last weeks was starting to crumble down and if she fell, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to get up once again. Her self wouldn't endure it, not again.