Last chance to tell me whether Mary should have a boy or a girl and what the name should be as we will find out the answer in the next and final chapter.
Here is a last shout out to all my fabulous reviewers of Chapters 13-20: Sooty85, RegencyGirl17, DW.618, ANovick, liysyl, Jansfamily4, Guest(s), Ann, IsAndia, nanciellen, mariantoinette1, krimpetgirl, abujoe, and MerytonMiss. You've been awesome and often something in one of your reviews made me think about the story in a different way and ended up influencing what came next. I hate to break up the party in a couple of chapters, but that's just how it goes.
Finally, I am planning to revise this story into a non-Pride and Prejudice version of novella length (my husband wants me to enter it into a contest and for that purpose it is better if it isn't fan fiction). I feel this is fairly workable as Elizabeth and Darcy are not central to the story and I can revise enough about the other characters to make it work. Any revision advice would be appreciated.
Chapter 21: You Must Let Children Grieve But Also Let Them Know They Are Not Alone
Lacey was having a bad day, or rather a bad weekend, or rather a bad couple of weeks, or rather several bad months which had begun with the death of her mother. But the reminders of Mother's Day were only making it worse and those reminders were all around her. In school, they had crafts to make gifts for mothers. Lacey could not help but remember the previous Mother's Day crafts she had made for her mother. There had been the school crafts and the special card at Aunt Catherine's. She eventually was able to give them to her mother the next month.
While this year the teacher said they could make the crafts for anyone and (while looking at Lacey) suggested grandmothers, step-mothers and any significant woman in their lives were appropriate also, all of the other children besides Lacey in her second grade class were making their crafts for their mothers (though a few were also making extra crafts for grandmothers or step-mothers). Everyone had a mother besides Lacey.
Lacey would have made something for Mommy, to put on her grave if Mommy had a grave, but there was no grave. She tried making crafts for her grandmother and Mary, but it just didn't seem right. Before leaving school on Friday, she stuffed her completed crafts in the garbage can.
Lacey knew about orphans from having seen a version of Annie and knew she wasn't an orphan because she had Daddy, but she knew that she was sad and those orphans who sang and danced were too happy with their lot in life. Unless of course they were pretending to be happy.
Lacey knew all about pretending to be happy. She did not want Daddy or Mary or Charlie to feel bad that she was sad. Lacey knew that her mom had not always been nice to Daddy; that was why they had gotten a divorce. She also knew that Mommy should have made Charlie with Daddy and not that other man.
Daddy was happier with Mary and Lacey did like Mary and was happy that Daddy was happy, but it made Lacey feel more alone with being sad. The wedding had been so pretty, like the happily ever after scene in a fairytale, like when Prince Adam married Belle and she became a princess, too. She loved being a flower girl and dropping all those rose petals and getting to see Mary and Daddy kiss, and getting to ride in the carriage.
Lacey was upset when Mommy never came to get her, but had forgotten all about it when she learned she would get to go with Daddy and Mary on the honeymoon. She had so much fun getting to have a sleepover with them and watch a movie in the nice hotel.
Lacey expected Mommy to come get her the next day (sometimes that happened). She had not expected Daddy and Mary to get those calls and look at her with that expression. She hadn't known the word for the expression they had at the time, but had learned it this year at school. It was "pitying"; that was the look they had. There was also "regret" and a little bit of "sad" but when they told her what had happened, she understood that it was mostly her that was sad and not them. If they were sad it was because she was sad and they were sad for her.
All the fun had ended then. They drove to Uncle Charlie's house and no one really talked while they drove. She held the set of Barbies in her hands (it was the set with a groom Ken, bride Barbie with Stacie and Chelsea dressed up as flower girls, Aunt Catherine had given it to her to keep after Daddy and Mary got engaged) and wondered if there were black clothes for Barbie, funeral clothes. Then later, they drove back to the house where Mary now lived.
In movies, when someone died everyone else dressed in black clothes and went to the cemetery and it rained. Lacey wondered who would buy a black dress for her. Mommy would want her to be dressed right for her funeral.
But then Lacey realized Mommy wouldn't actually see if she dressed right for her funeral or not. Mommy would be inside that big rectangular box and still. Her eyes would be closed and she would be beautiful like Snow White (or really like Ariel with her red hair), but unlike Snow White a kiss would not wake her up. No one had cursed her. A man had drank too much beer and crashed his car into hers.
Mommy had been driving to get Lacey. If Mommy hadn't been driving to get her, Mommy would not have died.
In the end, though, Lacey had not worn a black dress to the funeral because there was no funeral. Instead there was a memorial service which Mary explained was like a funeral but there would be no box. "But then where will Mommy be?" Lacey asked, confused.
"Your mommy wanted to be cremated. Do you know what that means?"
Lacey shook her head. She did not know.
Mary got Daddy. It was clear that "cremated" must be something really awful if Daddy had to be the one to explain it to her.
Daddy came into the room and sat next to Lacey on the couch. He turned so that he could look at her and said, "Mommy did not want to be buried. She told me, and your Uncle Charlie and Aunt Louisa, too, that she did not want to rot in a box in the ground. She wanted everyone to remember her like she was in her photos, very pretty. Cremated means that a body is burned very hot until it is just ashes. Then the ashes can be put in an urn or in a little cemetery plot or scattered somewhere."
This was reminding Lacey of something, something that she wasn't supposed to learn about yet but that she had heard some older kids talking about while waiting for a school assembly to start. Something bad that had happened to people called Jews a long time ago, way back in the last century, maybe even before Daddy had been born.
"But Hitler burned the Jews up in ovens. Is that what is going to happen to Mommy?" Then she remembered something else she had heard about people in ovens, from church. "Or is it like those three guys in the Bible who wouldn't bow down to false gods and were put into an oven to burn but the angel rescued them? Is God just going to let Mommy burn up?"
Lacey was picturing people being stuffed into an oven like the one in her kitchen. How could a person fit in there?
Daddy gave a little sigh. Lacey had heard this sigh before. It meant that Daddy needed to explain something complicated to her but was trying to figure out how best to tell her. He gave a sigh like that when he had to explain about him and Mommy getting a divorce and when he had to explain about Charlie being her brother but not Daddy's son.
"Lacey, because Mommy died, nothing that happens to her body can hurt her. Remember how we talked about how what is important about us is the soul? It is what makes us who we are. It is like the body is an envelop and the soul is the letter inside it. The important part of your mommy is eternal and isn't here anymore. What Hitler did to the Jews was wrong. He had them murdered because he did not like them and wanted to blame them for all of Germany's problems. The burning of their bodies afterwards was bad, but the hurting them and killing of them was far worse. But they did not go into those ovens alive like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, but they were being killed for their beliefs like them. Mommy wasn't scared of being cremated. It is what she chose for herself, for when she was gone. Everyone dies. Dying is a part of life."
Lacey thought about that for a moment. She knew about dying. If she squished an ant it died. But there were so many ants that it didn't really matter. She caught fish with Daddy and even after they were out of the water for a while they would still flop around. They had to kill them to cook and eat them. But she had never really thought about the fact that someday everyone she loved would die and she would die, too.
Lacey shared her most immediate concern. "You aren't going to die soon, are you Daddy? I don't want to be alone."
"I wish that I could promise you that I won't die soon," he told her (Lacey appreciated that Daddy wasn't lying to her like he could have to try to make her feel better), "but I can't control the future. I don't have any reason to think I will die soon, but disease and accidents can happen. But we can also do our best to take care of ourselves so we don't get hurt. Like I take you to the doctor, and we wear seat belts in the car. I hope I will live a long time and get to see you grow up and get married, and have children, and see those children grow up too. But even if something were to happen to me, there are so many people that love you, you could never be left alone."
Lacey scooted herself onto Daddy's lap. She didn't do that much anymore, she knew she was getting too big for that, but right now it seemed very important to be as close to Daddy as possible, to feel his warmth, to feel his breath, to smell his scent. Daddy always smelled like coffee. When she visited Mommy and was missing Daddy she would go smell Mommy's coffee and it made her feel safe.
When they went to Mommy's memorial service it wasn't like she imagined it. First of all, while she wanted a black dress, there wasn't one in the store that Aunt Megan took her to in the mall. The saleswoman was apologetic but said that it was the wrong season for black dresses. All the dresses were bright and cheerful. It seemed no one thought about the fact that a child might need a black dress after someone died.
The best they could find in all the stores in the mall was a dark blue dress with a design of small white flowers which Aunt Megan seemed to think would be fine. Aunt Megan got her white fancy lacy socks that folded down, but Lacey insisted on black shoes and luckily those were easier to find. They also managed to find hair clips with black bows, but they were not a solid black; they had little white polka-dots. Aunt Megan thought that was okay, too.
On the day before the memorial service, she, Mary and Daddy drove out to Uncle Charlie's house so they could be on time to the service in the morning. Her cousins did not seem like they were sad at all and did not understand why Lacey did not want to play with them.
In the morning, Mary helped her get on her dress and fix her hair. Lacey looked at herself afterwards in the mirror. At that moment she did not like her red hair. She wished she had a hat or a veil or something to cover her hair, or that her hair was black. She felt her hair made her look too cheerful.
They arrived at the church early. It was a church like any other. The only difference was that at the front there were some pictures of Mommy and some different displays of flowers. Lacey recognized one of the pictures as being one that Mommy took at the same time as the pictures with Mommy and Lacey. Mommy had the smile on her face she made when talking with a handsome man and in the picture it looked like she had just tossed her hair. Lacey remembered that Mommy had liked the photographer that took their picture and had lingered talking to him afterward.
Aunt Jane wanted to take a picture of Lacey with Daddy and Mary. Lacey did not want to take a picture with Daddy and Mary. She had liked taking a picture with Daddy and Mary after their wedding but now taking a picture with Mary in it made it like Mary was her new Mommy but no one could replace Mommy. Lacey did not say to anyone what was wrong with taking the picture, but finally Daddy asked, "Should we put Mommy in the picture too?"
Lacey was confused but understood when Daddy handed her a framed picture to hold of Mommy. She grasped the picture of Mommy in a hug, her arms crossed over her picture below Mommy's head before the camera flashed. Aunt Jane had to take another picture without the flash.
Lacey also took a picture with her little brother Charlie, Aunt Louisa and her family. Again she held Mommy's picture against her chest.
Charlie did not stay for the service; Aunt Louisa wheeled his stroller to another room where he would play along with some of their cousins. Daddy said she could go, too, but Lacey wanted to be with Daddy and properly say goodbye to Mommy.
The service was long and Lacey found herself yawning. The minister talked about God and hope and then different people talked about why Mommy was special to them. Lacey sat between Daddy and Mary and she remembered snuggling next to Daddy with his arm around her and feeling safe and sleepy. She liked hearing Uncle Charlie talking about when Mommy was a girl but then Uncle Charlie started crying and did not finish whatever he was going to say.
Then there were the other men who spoke. Lacey recognized one of them. He had a sleepover with Mommy and he talked about how fun and full of life Mommy was.
Afterwards, they took the flowers to Uncle Charlie's house and there was a lot of food. Lots of people had big plates of food and talked and talked. Lacey just stared at the plate of food Mary had fixed for her. Mary had done a good job and picked out things that Lacey normally liked, but Lacey did not want to eat any of it. Mommy would never fix her a plate again.
It was summer vacation after that but Lacey wasn't excited. She stayed in her room a lot and stared out of the window. Daddy and Mary tried to do fun things with her, but nothing was fun. She tried to pretend like she was having fun, but it was all wrong.
Daddy had a worried look in his eyes when he looked at Lacey. Later, Daddy and Mary took her to see a counselor. The counselor wanted to play with her and talk with her. The counselor wanted her to draw pictures and share what she was feeling. Lacey couldn't do that; it would make Daddy sad if he knew she was sad. They kept taking her to see a counselor, but she still did not tell the counselor anything.
Lacey was happy when her little brother Charlie came to live with Daddy and Mary. Charlie needed her help. Charlie needed her hugs. Charlie did not ask her questions about what she was feeling or look at her with pity.
It would have been easier if Charlie had been sad, too, but she was not even sure that Charlie really remembered Mommy. Charlie recognized her in the picture in Lacey's room, the picture she and Mommy had taken when they were all dressed up, but the person who Charlie really missed was Aunt Louisa. But Aunt Louisa wasn't dead; she was just sick. She still visited sometimes and talked to Charlie over video chat. She talked with Lacey, too, but Lacey knew that it was really Charlie that Aunt Louisa wanted to talk to.
Charlie also had his daddy, who took him to do fun things. It really wasn't fair that Charlie had two daddies. Well, okay her daddy was not really Charlie's dad, but he acted like a dad with him.
Charlie belonged to Mommy, but Mommy was gone. Still, Mommy should still be his mommy too, but Charlie was calling Mary "Mommy" and Mary was happy about this. Lacey could tell as she always smiled a bit when Charlie said it, even if he was in a bad mood when he said it and complaining about something.
Lacey would not call Mary "Mommy" because Mary was not Mommy. Lacey remembered how when Daddy and Mary told her that they were getting married that Mary had said, "I know you have a Mommy and I am not taking your mommy's place; after we get married you will still see your mommy the same as always. That will never change. But I want you to know that I love both you and your daddy and you will be a big part of our family together. You already have a mommy, but now you have a Mary, too."
Mary hadn't meant to lie. Mary did not know that Mommy would die and after the wedding Lacey would not see Mommy anymore.
Sometimes when Lacey pretended things were okay, they would seem okay for a while. She would play and not feel guilty for playing. But she also knew she was different from the other children now.
The day before Mother's Day, after Lucy and her brothers arrived, Lacey tried very had to make sure Lucy had a good time. She could tell that Lucy was sad, too, but she did not know why Lucy was sad. Maybe it was because of Lucy's mother or maybe it was something else.
At church on Mother's Day, there was the annual baby baptism. This year there were four babies being held by their mothers and fathers. The minister gave a little speech about why they did this every year on Mother's Day because parents were important to raising children to love the Lord and that mothers should be honored for all they invested into their children. Lacey had not been there last year but she had heard about it from one of the other girls, Trish, whose little brother had been baptized. Trish had told her about how cute all the babies were.
As Lacey watched the babies get baptized, she had to admit that they were very cute. But as Lacey watched the babies with their mommies and daddies, she felt envious. It was bad enough when her parents had gotten a divorce, but it was so much worse now that she only had Daddy.
Later, there was the lunch with all the people. She sat next to Lucy and tried to get Lucy to laugh. But later, Lucy and her brothers left with Aunt Jane and she went with Daddy, the other children and the other daddies to the park.
Lacey remembered Jane from Aunt Catherine's house. She remembered dressing up as princesses with her. But though Jane tried to get Lacey to play, Lacey did not want to play. Instead she climbed to the highest spot she could on the jungle gym and sat there. She sat there until it was time to go and Daddy called her.
Daddy had that worried look in his eyes again. But he did not say anything to Lacey.
The rest of the day was uneventful but Lacey noticed that something was different between Daddy and Mary. She had noticed something was different for a couple of days now, but it was more obvious today. Daddy and Mary kept smiling at each other, some kind of a secret smile. Lacey was glad that something was making them glad, but felt left out.
Later that evening Daddy came to see her in her room. He was holding his phone. He told Lacey, "Cousin Georgiana is on the phone. She is asking if she and Aunt Catherine can video chat you in a little while."
"Why do they want to talk to me?" Lacey liked Georgiana and Aunt Catherine both, but she did not know them very well.
"Georgiana thinks you may be sad missing your mom. She misses her mom, too, just like Aunt Catherine misses her daughter. They thought you might want to talk to someone who understands."
Lacey did not know what she thought about this. She thought for a while and then said, "Okay, Daddy."
Daddy brought his laptop up to her room and plugged it in. He helped her start the video chat and then left her alone with the laptop. It was fun to see herself in the little screen and Georgiana and Aunt Catherine on the big screen. Lacey made a couple of silly faces at the computer. She was surprised when Georgiana and Aunt Catherine made silly faces back at her. But then it got to the serious stuff.
Georgiana started first, "I don't know about you, Lacey, but Mother's Day has been a very hard day since my mother died."
Aunt Catherine added, "It is a hard day for me, too, especially since my daughter Anne died."
Lacey was surprised to find out that grown ups could feel the same way, too.
"I don't think Daddy and Mary really understand. They both still have their mothers. But for me everything is different now," Lacey confided. It felt safe to talk to them. Their eyes were soft.
Georgiana responded, "It is hard to have someone you love die, and even harder when it is your mother. I always feel like I am missing something. I had more time with my mother than you had with yours, but it wasn't enough. Did you know that almost every Mother's Day I still cry because I miss her so much?"
Lacey could tell that Georgiana was telling her the truth. Even now, Georgiana's eyes looked sad.
Aunt Catherine added, "It is okay to feel however you feel, but it is also important to go on living your life. Life did not stop for you like it did for your mother, or my daughter or Georgiana's mother. It is hard to go on, but it is very brave to do it."
They talked on for a while. Then Georgiana told her, "The people who love you want to know how you are feeling. My husband Steve and my boys want to know when I am feeling bad. Your Dad and Mary love you. They know you have been feeling bad, even when you try to hide it. They want to help you, too."
When Lacey got off the video chat, she closed the laptop and took it to Daddy. He set it down next to him. Lacey climbed on his lap and put her arms around his neck. In her quietest voice she whispered to her daddy, "I miss Mommy."
Daddy hugged her back and said, "I know you do. It is okay to miss her. I want to know all about what you feel."
Then Lacey told him all about everything she had been thinking and feeling.
After the video chat ended, Georgiana and Aunt Catherine talked. "Do you think we helped?" Georgiana asked Aunt Catherine.
"I believe we did, but I think that conversation was as much for us as it was for her," Lady Catherine answered. "When I told her that she had to go on living her life, I realized that I haven't been doing a very good job of following my own advice. I've let my own grief keep me from doing much more than going through the motions. I haven't fallen apart, but I haven't really lived, either. But I have lost so much more than that sweet little child has. She still has so many people who love her and care about what happens to her. All I have is employees that care about getting their paychecks."
"That's not true," Georgiana told her. "You have me, and Fitz and Richard, plus our families, too."
"That is nice of you to say, dear, but you all have your own lives and families. I understand that, really I do."
"I love you and need you to be in my life," Georgiana insisted. "Who else would stand up to Steve's mom like you just did?"
Lady Catherine gave a slight smile. "I am sure Steve would have, after a while. He did make her leave, after all."
"But not until she called me the b-word. It will be the same as always I expect. He will lay down the law, she act like nothing every happened and she will behave for a while, but then it will all happen again in some other permutation we could not anticipate. He always hopes for the best, hopes she can change, but I don't believe that she will ever be better, ever really understand what she does to us. Or maybe she does understand but gets some sick enjoyment out of it somehow."
"Why don't you ever put your foot down? For sure, for good?" Lacy Catherine wanted to understand.
"I have before, but the fact is that despite all Sylvia Jones has put Steve through, he still loves her. It is just how things are."