A/N: I wrote and erased this chapter so many times. -frown- But I think its somewhat suitable now. I tried very hard to capture how someone would react from such a traumatic experience. Please Rate and Review! Disclaimer: I still don't own TF, but I do have a nice and growing collection of them mixed in with my numerous Godzilla figures surrounding my computer. I don't own Godzilla either.

Story Arc 3

Chapter 21

Ratchet held onto his screaming and flailing patient trying to keep her from aggravating her injuries. He was used to mechs coming out of stasis still thinking they were in battle, but Rachel went from calm to delirious, "Get out! Get out now, quickly! You have to get out before it kills you too!"

He gently pushed her back onto the table. He was much stronger than the young woman and he worried that in her broken state he could hurt her. She fought his hands off wiggling from his grasp. Ratchet needed to restrain her before she seriously hurt herself.

"Please! Get out. Go! You'll die too if you don't!

He looked at Jazz; maybe she would calm down if he talked to her. He nodded understanding what Ratchet needed him to do, "Rachel. I'm ok and everyone is fine. I promise. Everything is goin' t' be ok."

She paused for a few seconds looking confused before fighting back even harder, "Please. Listen, you have to go before you end up like the others. It's too dangerous!"

Sideswipe, in his own tactful way, pointed out the obvious, "I guess that means she saw what happened to them."

Rachel stopped fighting them while the coldest look of pale horror spread across her face. Ratchet, who had been a medic for millennia, knew exactly what was going to happen next. He caught his patient as she turned and threw up on the floor. There was a trace of blood in her vomit. He looked at the monitor for her vital statistics and frowned. Her heart rate was increasing, her adrenalin levels were spiking, and there was a sudden escalation in her sympathetic nervous system. She was heading into the fight-or-flight instinct.

She coughed and rasped for air, "Get out! Please believe me! You'll die screaming like the others! Twisted and dead! Just like the others!" She started to shake violently.

"Rachel. No one is going to die. We're all safe." Ratchet pulled a blanket from her makeshift bed and tried to wrap it around her shoulders, but she fought back like a wild animal.

"Stop it! Why do you keep doing this to me! Leave me alone! You're all going to end up dead!" She slugged Ratchet hard, making him flinch. She was going to break that arm again if he couldn't get her to calm down. "Help me hold her. We need to keep her from hurting herself. Careful of her arm, Jazz."

Jazz tried to help hold Rachel, but she recoiled from his hands, hissing at him. "He's dead! I saw him die! That's why the others are dead… I heard them screaming! Don't you touch me! Get away from me! Why didn't you let me die!"

Jazz was obviously wounded by her words; he looked up to Ratchet in confusion, "What do I do?"

If this was part of the telepathic tampering, then the next Decepticon he met was going to wish he'd never been sparked. "I don't think she recognizes us. Keep trying. This could be part of the psychic damage. We just need to convince her that she's safe." Ratchet moved to grab his thrashing patient long enough for Jazz to try to reason with her.

Jazz nodded and reached out to her again, "Shhh. Rachel. I'm ok and I won't let anythin' happen t' y'. Y're safe with me."

She went from delirious to hysterical; kicking about wildly and screaming at the top of her lungs, "That cell… Jazz was dying…I saw it. He shot Jazz because- because I- he shot Jazz! Oh my god! He's gone! Let me go! Get away from me! You'll die!"

Jazz tried to catch her hands, still speaking calmly, "Rachel. I'm here for real. I'm not dead, I'm right here with y' and I'm not going anywhere."

This time she shrieked "NO!" and put her hands over her ears, "Everyone is dead! I- I got him killed! I killed him!"

Ratchet sighed and shook his head, "I'm going to have to sedate her. I can't have her breaking bones again." He looked at three worried mechs, "You two," he motioned to the Twins, "Distract her, but be careful. Jazz. You try to catch her."

The Twins leaned in to get a hold of Rachel, while Jazz was able to wrap an arm around her waist. He tried to pull her close to hug her, but she fought him with renewed strength. Ratchet accessed her higher brain wave functions on the monitor and tuned into Rachel's alpha waves. Once he found the right frequency for Rachel, she fell quiet and limp in Jazz's grasp. All optics were on Ratchet now, "It's just like when any of you come out of stasis thinking you're still fighting. She believes she's stuck in the Decepticon base. I'll wake her slowly in a few hours. This medium frequency dream sleep should help."

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Wheeljack had spent a long time in his lab without blowing anything up as he put his head in his hands and rubbed his temples. There were so many questions that he needed answers for. Ratchet had come to see him earlier about Rachel. The medic was concerned that the prolonged contact with the nanites was responsible for her current condition, so the engineer poured over old test results from the start of the nanite project. While the project had some success early on, there were setbacks that the human scientists could not over come. The main setback was the biohazard and decontamination period that was necessary, but notes on what type of hazards were not included in any of the reports. Wheeljack's earlier testing of the nanite formulas, those recovered from Rachel's body and the original nanites, were uncannily identical. Too many questions filled his mind. Obviously the Decepticons wanted the nanites. But why would Rachel make the destructive nanites that would kill her in the process? He didn't think she had it in her to purposefully kill anything. She would have given away the good nanites before trying to harm herself or anyone else, wouldn't she? He didn't like the way this trail of thinking was leading him. He would report his findings either way, but he needed to focus on finding a way to reverse the affects of these nanites now.

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Five hours after putting Rachel under, Ratchet with the help of Jazz, started to bring her out of alpha sleep state. Jazz had pulled her into his lap and held onto her, just incase Rachel still believed that she was in the ductwork. As Ratchet slowly turned down the alpha waves, Rachel's eyes fluttered open with a long yawn. "Hey, sleepy head. Feel better now?"

She rubbed her hand over her eyes and blinked several times. "Rachel? Do you know where you are?"

Rachel scrubbed at her eyes again with another yawn, "It's bright."

The two mechs looked at each other and Jazz tightened his grasp around Rachel. "Do you know where you are?" She tried to sit up, but Jazz kept his arms around her.

"Ratchet?" The medic smiled in relief. "I'm here, Rachel."

She looked around the room, blinking rapidly, "Where are you?"

Ratchet's smile faded quickly into a frown as she rubbed her eyes again. He pulled a small light from subspace, and ever so carefully flashed the beam across her eyes. He wasn't an expert on human anatomy, but he was fairly certain her eyes weren't supposed to be milky purple. He put his hand in front of her face, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Rachel squinted, looking very confused. "None? I can't see your hand."

Jazz looked at Ratchet, "What's wrong, doc?"

Upon hearing his voice, Rachel nearly jumped out of her skin. "Jazz? Wait… where am I? Ratchet? Where am I?" Jazz held on to her. She was blinking vainly trying to search the room with a hint of panic edging into her voice, "Ratchet?"

"It's ok, Rach. I'm right here with y'. No need t' be scared."

Her eyes went wide and she grabbed at the arms that held her. "Jazz? How? But… but I-I saw you… You're dead… I saw you die… in the cell…"

"News t' me. I must've missed that memo." He hugged her, resting his cheek on the top of her head. "I've got y' and I'm not dyin' or goin' anywhere."

"They wanted you to think Jazz was dead, Rachel. But I could double check and make sure he's right here, if you want," Ratchet's idea of levity was slightly disturbing.

Still holding his arms, Rachel rested her head on Jazz and shut her eyes, "I thought you were dead… I thought I lost you forever…"

"I know," he whispered to her, "But I'm not that easy t' get rid of."

"If you two are done being lovey-dovey, I'd like to run some tests," Ratchet had crossed his arms, tapping his fingers impatiently.

"Yes, sir," Rachel blushed and sat still.

Ratchet flashed the small light across her eyes again; no dilation from the murky violet irises that peered out at nothing. "Do you know how long you were exposed to the nanites, Rachel?"

"Well, there was the…" All the color drained from her face. "Oh no."

"Hmm?"

Her heart sank at the memory of what had happened in the lab, and she dropped her head down, "I did something terrible…"

"What do you mean?"

She murmured softly as hot tears formed in her strangely colored eyes, "I killed them… I killed all of them."

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Ratchet watched her like a hawk guarding her nest for the next few days. Rachel's eyesight had not improved, nor could Ratchet figure out why the color of her irises had changed. It seemed very likely that the nanites had attacked the mucous membranes during her exposure to them. Her hearing had become heightened, and she was quickly learning to recognize mechs by their different footfalls and the sound of their spark pulses. But Ratchet was unsure if her hearing adapted because of the nanites or from losing her sight. A new symptom arose as well. There was some strange discoloration around the sites where her bones had broken. They were slowly healing, but far too slowly for Ratchet's taste.

Carly and Spike had brought a pair of crutches for Rachel to use once Ratchet finally acquiesced into letting her hobble around; but he didn't approve of her leaving the bay for long periods of time. Jazz was put back on full duty but spent any free time with Rachel in the med bay. The Twins even brought her bouquets of red and yellow roses; to which she assured that she could recognize the difference by the scent.

Prowl started to come by to see her as well, taking her account on the whole situation from being kidnapped to her time in the ductwork. Her time with the Seekers sent everyone, except for Prowl, into a fit of giggles as she recounted 'emptying her fuel tank' while inside 'Screamer, and 'Warp wanting to keep her as a pet because she told 'Screamer to 'shove it up his afterburner'. She described how it felt as Soundwave tried to get the formula for the nanites from her as 'digging through her memories'. She told of Megatron threatening her with the image of Jazz's broken body in their brig. And even though she knew it was all a lie now, she started to cry as she recounted spitting at Megatron and him shooting at Jazz as punishment for her attitude.

She told Prowl, with Ratchet listening in on them, that Megatron said she could save Jazz and leave once she made the nanites. How she obeyed and nearly finished them, until Hook and Starscream laughed at the 'promise' that Megatron would let them leave. Rachel then broke down sobbing as she remembered being shown Jazz's dead body in the cell… and how she begged Skywarp to kill her. Then she explained very quietly how she was going to hurt the Decepticons for making Jazz suffer by changing nanites and destroying any information of the formula from their computers. She explained how she made the three canisters of the dangerous nanites and hid two of them in the ducts with the intent to spread them over the base, and how she watched Megatron open the first canister and spread the nanites around the room. She whispered as she remembered the horror she witnessed as the nanites took effect, and her revulsion at her actions. She recollected what was happening to Megatron, Soundwave, Hook and the two non-Seekers, including the one that she saw die, called Dirge, as they turned into twisted piles of broken metal. She explained how Megatron tried to kill her and failed three times. She concluded the events with the exploding and leaking canister of nanites, and the screaming that echoed throughout the ductwork as Decepticons died horribly.

Optimus Prime was called in to hear her retell the parts about Megatron. "So, we don't know if he is dead or not. Until we see a body, I am assuming that he is still alive. The same with Soundwave and the Seekers, until we can verify they are dead, we will carry on as normal."

"The Seekers aren't dead…."

Both mechs turned to look at Rachel who stared unseeingly at her hands. "They're not dead." She spoke very quietly now, "Before I finished the nanites, I told Skywarp to stay away from the base as long as he could…"

Optimus and Prowl looked at each other confused, "I thought you wanted to make the Decepticons hurt. Why would you help those who captured you?" Prowl questioned her decision.

"Skywarp was nice, I guess…"

"You were willing to kill yourself and the rest of the base, except for Skywarp? I don't see the logic in that. Being nice or not, the Decepticons would have killed you anyway."

"He refused to kill me, even after I begged him. He seemed determined to see that I wasn't to be killed after I finished the nanites. He even asked why I was upset over an Autobot… as if he cared about my feelings…"

Optimus regarded Rachel for a minute before nodding to Prowl, who shut his data pad off, "Thank you, Rachel. Your information about the Decepticons has been very useful and I will incorporate it into future reports."

Rachel didn't look up at the sound of the two standing and getting ready to leave. "How many?"

Both mechs flinched; they were afraid that she would ask this question. "How many what?"

"The screaming I heard came from more than one mech. How many are dead?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"The actual number is unknown. Only 5 levels were accessed before we found you. The count from those levels was 247 dead and if you are correct on Dirge, 248. Unknown status on Megatron, Soundwave and Hook."

Rachel nodded numbly, "Plus five."

"Excuse me?"

"The nanites caused five deaths before I was taken to their base…"

"True. I will add the five human casualties to the report."

Optimus and Prowl left the med bay and headed towards Optimus' office, "Rachel stated she wanted to see the Decepticons pay for their actions. She seemed determined to kill herself over the death of Jazz, but I fail to see the logic behind warning the Seekers of her plans."

"She also said she regretted her actions towards the Decepticons immediately after the effects took place. I'd say human emotions follow more on instinct than logic."

"And destroying herself in the process?"

Optimus looked at his second in command; a slight smile reflected in his eyes, "Love is very unpredictable. It doesn't dictate whom you fall in love with or how you would react if it is threatened."

"I still do not see the logic-" Prowl may be one of the smartest Autobots, but once things started to turn irrational, he was clueless.

"Not everything in the universe follows a logical path. Love just happens to be the strongest influence on the illogical side."

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I didn't remember waking up the first time at all, and I was told only later that I was doing a good job of fighting off the four mechs trying to hold me down. The second time, and the one I remember, is when my eyes were assaulted with the burning bright light. I could hear Ratchet nearby, but I couldn't see him or the arms that held me still. I was still trying to sort out the remnants of my strange dreams, when I heard his voice. For a moment I had the strangest thought that I was in heaven and that I should see small naked children with wings shortly. But I never put much faith in the whole religion thing, which made me question where I was and why could I hear Jazz's voice. My only grounding perception was that I heard Ratchet, and last time I saw him, the grumpy medic was still alive. I could feel Jazz's arms around me, and his melodic voice that I thought I had lost forever say the words that I had longed to hear. That he was here with me.

Reality brought me back out of the joy of knowing that Jazz was alive, by Ratchet asking me about the nanites. And then I remembered everything. Everything that happened, everything I had seen, everything I did… Cold fingers gripped my stomach; I had reacted so impulsively that I killed people. And no matter how many times Jazz and Ratchet told me it was ok and that my mind had been tampered with and I wasn't really in control of my actions, let alone my thoughts; I would never be able to forgive myself for what I had done.

Ratchet explained to me later his hypothesis about the nanites and my eyes; that they affected the mucous membranes and that it was unknown if my sight would return. He also told me about the graying of my skin around where my ankle and arm had broken. He had read up on everything he could find on the internet about human biology but found nothing on the discoloration I was experiencing. Two days after I had awoken, I noticed my hearing had become very sharp. So much so that I could recognize who walked into the med bay by their footsteps and the sound of their spark frequency. It was very disconcerting, but both Ratchet and I somewhat agreed that my senses had sharpened in response to my lack of sight.

As for my ankle and arm, they were healing, but Ratchet still fussed over me about it. After a few days of hassling me, I was finally given permission to hobble on some crutches down to the lounge, on the condition that I was always accompanied by someone with me at all times. I had to be extra careful around the mechs since I couldn't dodge them now in case they didn't see me underfoot. And that was the extent of my freedom from the med bay. Ratchet clucked so much over me that we joked that he was turning into a mother hen.

The week that I was first given my limited freedom, Prowl visited to get my version of events from the moment I was kidnapped to the last thing I remembered. Everyday he came by at 3pm on the dot. I told him everything; from how I felt to the reactions I got to my actions. I couldn't help crying as I retold seeing Jazz shot and being shown his dead body. Optimus and Prowl were present while I told about Megatron and the bottom of the ductwork listening to the screams. And then they mentioned the Seekers but were surprised that I warned Skywarp about returning to base. It was my one small saving grace about the whole experience, yet they didn't seem to understand why.

And when I asked about the death toll, I could hear their bodies flinch from my question. I then knew that they were trying to avoid telling me this, but I needed to know. I needed to know the extent of the destruction I caused. My conscious needed the number, needed me to always remember what I had done. I needed to always have in the back of my mind that I destroyed living people and mechs. It didn't matter anymore that the project was to save people; it saved no one. All the nanites had done was kill. Humans died fighting for the nanites; mechs died from wanting the nanites and from just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'd never be able to forgive myself for the deaths and in a greater sense, the nanite project. If I hadn't created the nanites there would be 253 beings still alive on the Earth right now.

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A few days after I had finished telling Optimus and Prowl my side of the story, a message came from one of the Secretary of Defense's aides over a private channel to Optimus. There was to be a Senate hearing for the Secretary and the charges of treason against him. He requested if I could give testimony over the nanite project, the Secretary's involvement with it, and the deaths of Charlie Madden, General Sellers, Agent Keith Franklin, and the Director of Homeland Security, Norman Godfrey. Maybe I could reconcile some of the damage I had caused by helping the Secretary at his hearing. I accepted but I requested that I needed to bring someone with me due to a 'health condition'. I turned down the offers of travel to and from Washington and a hotel room, saying I had already booked a hotel and flight to see 'relatives'.

Carly and Spike would accompany me, with Carly helping me in the hearing and Spike waiting in the lobby. We'd fly in Skyfire and Ironhide would transport us to and from the hearing; this time, we would all have traces and comm links on and running at all times. Jazz was unable to join us due to a mission, but Bumblebee, Bluestreak and Sideswipe would be monitoring our status. There would be no chances taken, since no one knew what or if the Decepticon officers were planning. Carly picked out a dress suit for me to wear and a set of brown contact lenses to hide the damage done to my eyes. With help, I was able to pull up the schematics of the nanite project before the attack on the labs. I knew I was going to be asked about the attack and I was determined to keep every mention of giant alien robots out of my testimony.

On the day we were to journey to Washington, Ratchet fussed about everything under the sun, giving explicit instructions to Carly and Spike as if I was a two-year-old child. When I was finally pulled away from Ratchet's grasp, Optimus Prime gave me a pep talk. He said he had faith in me, that I was doing the right thing and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for the events of the past month. It bolstered me somewhat when he said that he considered me one of his bravest soldiers. He was proud that I had stepped up in the face of extreme danger and did my best to fight, "I know how hard it is to make decisions like you did; there are many sacrifices we have to make in life, on and off the battlefield. I know you did it out of love, and out of that love you saved three lives that were intent on hurting you. You saved humans and Autobots and the nameless species from all over the universe by your actions. You didn't have to delete the formula from the Decepticon computers and you believed deep down that you were only trying to incapacitate them. And now you are going to save an innocent man. I know you will do fine, and as Jazz would say 'Knock 'em dead'."

I smiled up at the voice of the Autobot leader as he patted me reassuringly on the back. His words did ease some of the pain I carried in my heart, but the regret I held deep inside could never atone for my actions.

With the help of my 'nursemaids' we boarded Skyfire along with our entourage. The plan was to land out in this predetermined area and drive into Washington. Ironhide would wait in the parking lot while Sideswipe, Bumblebee and Bluestreak would be positioned in different areas around the Capitol Building during the hearing. The flight took less than ten minutes with Bluestreak talking the whole way. I didn't realize now nervous I was until he started chattering away without pause. It was surprisingly calming. Once we landed, Ironhide and the others transformed and our caravan headed into the city and towards the Capital. Listening to the seven talk over the comm channel made me feel out of place. Everyone had a purpose at the Ark. Carly and Spike had their duties, from garnering supplies to maintenance to helping teach the Autobots about the Earth and its peoples. I was a specialized scientist in subatomic engineering, but what good was I now that I couldn't see? I had helped fix the mechs with Ratchet, but how could I now? And while I listened to them chat and laugh, I felt very alone. So very alone.