Fools Like Us

21- Distant Look Grows in Your Eyes

It took Lovino several minutes to figure out why he was in such a good mood when he woke up. He lay in bed longer than was really necessary, his limbs spread haphazardly over the blankets, but there was nothing new about that. It was late in the morning on a Saturday, but that wasn't it either. His cell phone buzzed on the bed near his pillow, alerting him to a message, and he suddenly remembered.

He was dating someone. Antonio, of all people. It had been almost a month, and he'd fallen asleep texting the Spaniard the night before. He dug the phone from the sheets, which tried desperately to hold his limbs in place. Unlocking it, he found three messages from Antonio.

[TEXT] Maybe we should go to the movie this weekend. Like a real date!

[TEXT] Lovi? Did you fall asleep on me?

[TEXT] ¡Buenos noches mi amor!

Lovino wondered how he could use such affectionate terms so easily, but he found himself smiling. Warm smells were already suffusing the air of the house, making Lovino wonder if his grandfather was already up. He and his brother never got up before noon if they could help it, so he had to be the one cooking, right?

Lovino struggled from the warm cocoon of blankets, shivering as his feet hit the cool hardwood floors, and stumbling sleepily toward the kitchen. Before he reached it, however, the sound of voices stopped him in his tracks.

"Wah, don't do that! You'll crush all the flavor out of it!"

"Isn't that the point?"

"No! If you squeeze it all out now, there won't be anything left when you bite into it!"

Lovino could already feel the scowl spreading over his lips. What was that bastard doing in his house before he was even awake? At least they weren't doing anything weird; if Feliciano was cooking, he wouldn't let anything distract him. When it came to things like that, they were the same.

Lovino withdrew to the living room, deciding he didn't want to face the two lovebirds. Despite the fact that his good mood had persisted throughout the night and into his lazy morning, he could feel it steadily slipping away as he grabbed the green throw blanket off the back of the couch. He wrapped it around himself, turning on the TV and turning up the volume to drown out the sounds of Feliciano and his idiot boyfriend being cute with each other. After a minute or two, his little brother peeked his head into the room to call out a good morning, and Lovino waved dismissively, but it was enough for the younger. Whatever people might have thought of their relationship, the arrangement worked for them.

"How's Toni?" asked a new voice, and Lovino looked up to see Ludwig's older brother enter the room. Lovino's scowl deepened at the sight of him.

"You're here too?" he asked bluntly, a scowl on his lips.

Gilbert let out his characteristic laugh, flopping onto the couch next to the older Italian.

"'Course I am," he chirped cheerfully, ruffling Lovino's hair, "Anyway, you didn't answer my question. He talks about you all the time, so you've gotta know, right?"

Lovino's cheeks went pink as he batted the German's hand away, but some of the fight went out of him.

"He's...fine, I guess," Lovino mumbled, glancing at his phone. He remembered he hadn't replied to the texts he had woken up to, so he decided to do that now. Stubbornly ignoring Gilbert, he hunched over his phone.

[TEXT] What do you want to see?

When he looked up again, Gilbert was leaning right over him. His head knocked into the albino's nose, making him yelp and hold his face.

"What the hell, asshole!?" Lovino snapped, whacking him in the stomach for good measure, "What the hell makes you think you can just hover over me, huh?"

"I just want to know if my friend's making choices as good as mine! Are you guys going on a date or something?" Gilbert asked, his voice muffled by the hand over his face. Lovino's cheeks flushed again and he didn't answer, slumping back into the seat. Gilbert waited a moment, then scoffed and stood up.

"Whatever. I'm going to see my boyfriend," he chirped, jumping to his feet. He waited a moment, then flopped back down.

"On second thought, I'm gonna wait for breakfast. With those two cooking, it's gotta be good, right?"

Lovino didn't answer, playing with one of the loose threads on his blanket. He couldn't help but wonder at the relationships around him and wondered if his and Antonio's measured up to theirs. Everyone else seemed so much more open with their emotions-what if Antonio decided he wanted someone who was more willing to show him how much he cared?

"Hey, what's with that face?" Gilbert asked suddenly, nudging Lovino's shoulder. The Italian jumped and frowned, turning to him.

"The hell are you talking about?" he asked, his voice low and sulky. He knew what the other was talking about, of course; but that didn't mean he wanted to talk about it. Gilbert snorted and rolled his eyes, but didn't push the matter-Lovino wasn't his problem, anyway.

Lovino turned up the volume again, not wanting to deal with the boy next to him any longer than he had to. They hadn't gotten along at the best of times, so with him worrying about his relationship with Antonio, either of them could have said something that would only make things worse. He sighed, leaning back against the couch and pulling the blanket up to his chin.

A few minutes later, Lovino's grandfather poked his head into the room to call them to breakfast. Gilbert jumped up immediately, cheering and clapping his brother on the back in congratulations-something about getting to cook with his cute boyfriend and how he'd love to do the same with Roderich sometime. Lovino trailed after him, the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He wondered what it would be like to cook breakfast with Antonio someday, and the thought sent a pleasant thrill through him. He'd known he was a hopeless romantic, but to think that way...it was almost embarrassing. Still, the thought soothed his earlier fears, and he joined the large group at the table.

The group was talkative, or at least, Feliciano, Gilbert, and the oldest of the Italians were. Ludwig contributed every once in a while, whereas Lovino kept to himself most of the morning. Though his fears had been assuaged, they hadn't been completely eliminated. His phone buzzed suddenly, telling him there was a reply. He grabbed at it immediately, earning him a knowing smirk from his grandfather. Lovino tried not to huff at that, his cheeks coloring as he read the message.

[TEXT] What about that new that new troll movie? That looks good

Lovino rolled his eyes, but he knew he would go along with it. He didn't have that heart to tell Antonio that there might be anything he didn't want to do with him, even if it was a movie he thought looked silly. Before he could type out a reply, he glanced up to see what the rest of his companions were up to.

Feliciano was looking at Ludwig, leaning so close that their lips nearly brushed as they spoke. Ludwig's cheeks ere pink, but he didn't look any more uncomfortable than usual-if anything, he actually looked more relaxed. Gilbert was mocking them from across the table, and his grandfather's shoulders shook with laughter. For once, Lovino found his gaze drawn to the happy couple.

He couldn't do that. He could never make Antonio look so happy. He knew his brother had been in this relationship longer than he'd even known Antonio, but he also knew that no matter how long the two of them were together, he would never be able to be so openly affectionate with his Spanish boyfriend.

"I'm gonna go back upstairs..." he murmured after a moment, pushing his plate away. His grandfather's gaze flickered over the plate, then up to Lovino's face, his brow furrowing with worry. It wasn't like Lovino to leave so much food behind, and he hadn't even complained that Ludwig had helped with the cooking. Lovino ignored his concern, his feet pounding loudly on the steps as he raced up them and threw himself back into the nest that of blankets on his bed. Several minutes later, his phone buzzed with a reminder that Antonio had texted him. Right, he had to tell him...

That he wasn't going. His mind was made up now.

[TEXT] I don't think I can make it after all. See you at school

He held himself together for a few minutes after that. His breathing was labored, and he clenched the pillow so tightly that the fabric left red marks in the skin on his fingers.

Finally, a sob broke free, closely followed by another. He knew he was sabotaging himself, signing himself up for months-if not years-of misery, but he couldn't stop himself. He just wanted Antonio to be happy, and he knew he couldn't do it the way someone like Feliciano could. He couldn't tell him how wonderful he really was.

A/N: Actually managed to get two chapters out today-how about that? Most of this was written today and edited quickly, so there could definitely be mistakes.

Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I write a lot more than I post here. If you want to see some of those, they're all posted on my tumblr (felovabriel) under the drabble section.