A Million Times More

by Curious Girl

Over two decades ago I met the love of my life. We promised each other for better or worse, to go through ups and downs and stick together no matter what. He tells me he loves me a million times more than yesterday. But where is his love when I am left alone? This is us: A million times better and a million times worse. Final part of the Torn Apart series!

21. Chapter 21

"Ana!" Nate's voice fills my ears and I look up from the paperwork that's on his mahogany desk. I left the door to his study open so I can at least hear what my three fourteen year olds are doing.

A shiver runs down my spine. I haven't heard of Ana since the last time we talked on the phone when she told me she declined Jake's proposal. Two days passed and she was as silent as a mouse. I didn't want to call, afraid I'll lash out on her or pressure her to do something she doesn't want.

I start collecting the papers as I feel her gaze on me. "Mom,"

I look up at the sound of her voice. She's standing across me, her forest green eyes big and sparkling. She pulled her blonde wavy hair up into a ponytail. Her earlobes are sparkling with diamonds. "Ana, I didn't mean to lash out on you."

She holds up her left hand, revealing the peachy oval diamond that's sitting on a diamond covered rose gold band. "I said yes."

Thank god! "Oh, I'm so glad you did!" I say before rushing over to her to embrace her tightly. "I'm so happy for you!"

"I am, too... and so is Jake, obviously. Turns out he wasn't on the plane or the airport when we ended our phone call. He was still on French Cay, walking down the beach." She explains to me.

I look at her and see her tears forest green eyes. "I'm glad he wasn't gone."

"Me, too." She says with a smile on her face.

"Is Jake here as well?"

"Yeah, in the backyard with Nate and Zeus. But I... I don't want to start planning a wedding just yet."

"Sure, be engaged for a while, take it step by step. You can get married next summer."

"I want a winter wedding. Sometime in January. Maybe next year or the year after... I don't know, we haven't talked much about it yet."

"Okay..."

"I want to get married on French Cay, just like my parents did."

My heart swells up with love. "Sweetie, you don't have to do this."

"I know. But I want to." She smiles at me.

"Lets go find Jake." I say with a grin. "My future son-in-law."

Ana chuckles before grabbing my hand. We walk out of the study and down the hallway, following the sound of my chuckling kids.

"Did you tell Della yet?"

Ana shakes her head, "She's been refusing to pick up when I call. I don't know what's wrong with her."

"When was the last time you guys talked?"

"Before the trip to French Cay."

So, she doesn't know that Della's in love with her bodyguard. "You should drive by the house."

"I did before driving here but she wasn't there."

I nod, she must have been at Wlad's place. "Must be busy at work."

"I don't think she is. I barely saw her the last two days. She should have the day off today. Which is why I was sure she must be home. Or here." We reach the kitchen that's empty.

"Well, she isn't here."

"Yeah, but where is she then?"

I walk through the open door that leads to the backyard. Jake is jumping on the trampoline with Jo, Rory and Nate. My kids are laughing and I feel my heart swelling with love. Gosh, Jake is going to be a great dad someday. "Hey, Jake!" I cry out, making him stop jumping.

"I'll be right back." He says to the triplets before walking over to me.

"Congrats!" I say and embrace the green eyed man tightly. "I know it wasn't as easy as you thought it would be." I whisper into his ear.

"She's worth any trouble."

"She is." I agree with him before letting go. I look at Ana, who is glowing from within. "Anastasia Elizabeth Grace Belov... I like the sound of that." It's a bit odd but I like it.

She smiles at me, "Well, I don't. Which is why you shouldn't get used to the sound of that."

"What? You're not taking his name?"

"No, instead he's taken mine." She says to me.

I look at Jake, shocked by the news.

"If you allow me to." He says to me with a soft smile on his lips.

My mouth is wide open. He wants to be a Bolton? He is ready to give up his identity for her? His reputation? He wants to really change his last name?

"Mom," Ana's voice rips me out of my thoughts.

"Of course! Yeah, sure! I'd love to welcome you into this family." I say and embrace him again. "I was just surprised, that's all."

---

"Oh, there's no more wine in your wine fridge." Ryan breathes out, sounding surprised. I had to remove them all and replaced the alcohol with water bottles. I am not allowed to drink now anyway.

"I'll get some bottles." I say as Miley, Kelsi and Luc are already cuddling with Zeus in the living area. "Any preference?"

"A Chardonnay." he says smiling. "But ask the others as well."

"Okay." I nod before walking through the hallway. I stop as I see Miley, Kelsi and Luc going all nuts over our dog. Jo and Rory are showing them all the commands he has learned so far. Zeus is making them all so happy. It feels like ages since happiness has existed in this household.

"What kind of wine shall I get out of the wine cellar?" I ask them. Lucas is the only one to turn around. His wife and sister-in-law are both too crazy over Zeus. As are my children. "A Riesling."

I nod. Another white wine. I walk further down the hallway before reaching the door of our wine cellar. I open it and switch on the lights. Walking down the steps, I put my hand on my belly as I can suddenly feel movement. My baby is kicking really hard in there although I barely have a baby bump. It looks more like I gained some weight than a pregnant bump. As I finish the staircase, I stop for a moment and take a look at our huge cellar. The cellar is divided into two section : 80% is reserved for wine bottles of any kind and 20% for old junk and now dog food. I turn around and walk into the wine part of the cellar. I pass shelves of Shirazs, Merlots, Cabernet Sauvignons, Malbees, Pinot noirs, Zinfandels, Sangioveses and Barberas before stopping at the white wine section of the wine cellar. We have almost half a million bottles here. My eyes scan the collection which is a bit smaller than the one for red wines. I get out a Chardonnay that Ryan requested before scanning further down the shelves. My eyes see Sauvignon blancs, Semillons, Moscatos, Pinot grigios and finally see the Rieslings. I pick up the German wine bottle before turning around. A sigh escapes my mouth as I walk with two bottles of wine back to the staircase. That alone is a three minute walk. I lost counting the millions that lay in these shelves. I stop in my movement as my eyes see the wall across me. I can see the 70 notches on the seven shelves. 21 out of those 70 notches are empty - over two shelves. Notch 22 is still holding a bottle of red wine from our vineyards in France. Each one of these red wine bottles was bottled the year of our wedding. 22 years ago.

I pick up the bottle and eye it. A bottle for each passing year. When he showed it to me I laughed out loud. 70 years? That sounded so fucking crazy! It sounded so surreal! But with every year passing I started to believe him more and more. The day we hit the 15 mark, I looked at him smiling. He really was aiming for 70 years of marriage! And I was, too.

I turn the bottle around. 70 years. We were aiming for 70 years!

And he destroyed it!

Suddenly, I throw the bottle at the wall across me. The dark green glass shatters into a million pieces right in front of my eyes before the dark red wine stains the wall. I watch it dripping down the wall and notice that tears are rolling down my cheeks as the puddle becomes blurry. I blink and inhale deeply. My breath shakes as anger starts building inside of me. I start feeling kicks of his baby in me again but I can't smile. How dare he do this to us! Leave us! For the fucking second time! He saw us - all of us - and decided to leave us again! He chose killing people over being with his family! How dare he! I pick up the bottle for our twenty third anniversary and throw it against the wall as well with a loud scream. How fucking dare he take away the father figure from my children! How dare he traumatise them! They weren't able to laugh or smile for a fucking year! A dog is the only thing that can make them laugh again! A dog! I stop sobbing as a laugh escapes my lungs. I bought them a dog. A well trained English Springer Spaniel. Zeus! I shake my head, I still can't wrap my head around that. My lower lip starts shaking again as the pain and anger starts ripping me from the inside once more. I sink to the floor as the alcohol starts filling my nostrils. I can't do this anymore. I can't breathe without him!

I don't know who I am anymore.

"Gabi," I hear Miley's voice saying my nickname. I look up at her, feeling tears building in my eyes again. "Oh Sweetie, what did you do?"

"He was my rush, my drug... my hum. He was my air, my light, my music, my love! He was my hum! And he fucking left us!" I start arguing as she lowers herself to me. "He took everything away from us! He took our light, our laughter, our love! Our love!" Miley wraps her arms around me. "I need my light, my air and my music! I need my love! I need my hum!" I sob into her shirt as she strikes down my back.

"I know... I know..." she whispers to me.

---

"Wine?" Kelsi asks me during our supposedly monthly dinner. But we haven't had dinner in over twenty three weeks. And I know that so well because the last time we had dinner together was a week before Ana's graduation at Oxford.

And now I am twenty two weeks pregnant.

I shake my head, "I'll stick to water." I told the girls and the triplets, but not the adults. They're going to rip me apart - I know it. They won't stop asking questions, they won't just accept it. They just won't.

"But you always have wine." Ryan points out, causing the heads of the others turning my way. The triplets have gone for a walk with Zeus - it's their sixth time going without me, but I trust them and Zeus. I've seen what this dog is capable of - there's nothing I need to worry about.

"Not this time." I say with a nod. I hope Ryan drops it. I don't want to ruin our dinner but I know I have to tell them before the triplets come back.

But to my surprise, he doesn't. Instead he twists his body next to me, so he can have a closer look at me. I am barely showing anyway, I just gained a few pounds. Nothing his eyes can see... right? "Okay, what's going on with you?"

I am pregnant with Troy's child, but you are not suppose to know that. Instead, I'll have to make you believe I am a slut who got knocked up after a one-night stand. "Nothing." For Christ's sake, he's making it hard to hold up that lie. I feel a shiver going down my spine, reminding me that it couldn't be a lie after all. I haven't heard from him in twenty two weeks. He might as well be dead.

I might as well be telling the truth.

But I can't. I have to believe he is alive and he will come back to me - to his family that is now consisting of six instead of five children.

"No, no, no..." his eyes dance up my body, "This is not nothing. Something is going on."

"Have you started dating?" Kelsi asks surprised.

I try very hard to hide my amusement. Dating. No one would date a twenty two weeks pregnant forty two year old with five children. Three of them in puberty. I wouldn't even want to date anyone. There's only one love of my life. One. "No." I shake my head, emphasising that I really am not seeing anyone. Although they have been pressuring me to start dating almost six months ago. They wanted me to move forward. How the hell can I move forward when his child is growing inside of me? I am reminded of him every single day - there are three versions of him running around our house. One is growing inside of me. Two are living in Kensington at his old bachelor house. I could never move forward.

Never.

"Then what is it?" Ryan asks again.

"Stop pushing." I hiss through my teeth. I'm not sure if that's really me or the hormones talking. I don't care. I can tell them another time.

"Pushing?" He asks back, raising his eyebrows. "Spill it out."

"No." I say and take a sip of my water.

"We won't judge you." Lucas ensures me, now sensing that there's something I am hiding, too.

This time I can't hide my sarcastic laugh. I shake my head, "You guys will rip my head off." I ensure them, looking straight into my husband's brother's eyes. He looks nothing like Troy, but sometimes he reminds me of the way his older brother sounds like. After all, they are twin-brothers.

"Tell us." Miley stops eating.

"After dessert." I cave in. I have to tell them sooner or later. I mean, this is not something I can just hide. In a matter of days my bump will be so big that there's no cut of clothing that can hide it.

"No, now." Ryan urges again.

"For Christ's Sake, Ryan can't you just fucking drop it when I ask you to?!" I yell at him, loosing my patience.

The mouth of my stepbrother drops open. I haven't yelled at him in a long time, "You are making us worried with your fucking secrecy!"

I don't respond. I start playing with my dairy free ice cream.

"Gabriella!" he says again.

"I said I'll tell you after dessert."

"I won't be able to eat now either way. So you might as well tell us now."

"No." I chew on the ice cream as silence fills the room for a few seconds.

"Are you sick?" his voice sounds broken.

I tilt my head to the side, seeing his bright blue orbs clouded with tears. I place my fork down. I didn't realise I'd make him think that. After Victoria got sick with cancer years ago he has become a bit more sensitive towards secrets and health in general.

I lean back in my chair and shake my head as I place my hand on his, "No, I am not sick."

"Are you sure?"

I had my ultrasound this morning. It showed me a perfectly healthy twenty two week old baby. "Yes. Now can we continue with dessert?" I ask him, faking a smile.

But to my surprise he shakes his head, "I want to know what's going on."

Fuck, he's not going to drop this. "Alright," I give in before looking at the others, "Drink up. You'll need the alcohol to digest my news."

They all frown but listen as they empty their red wine glasses. They were almost empty anyway. "I'm pregnant." I breathe out, staring at the ice cream in my bowl. I can't look at any of their eyes. I can't stand their judgmental stares. I can't deal with that.

But I have to.

I hear Kelsi chocking on her wine and Miley spilling it out. The male part of our family stays silent.

"Pregnant?" Lucas asks, being the first to have to courage to raise his voice.

I look up at him, seeing amazement in his face. "Yes."

"So, you are dating someone." Miley breathes out, leaning back in her chair.

I shake my head, "No."

"Then-"

"One-night stand." I shrug.

"Are you keeping it?" Kelsi asks.

It's Troy's baby hell yes I am! But they don't know that. They don't know that the baby growing inside of me is his. That he or she is a full Bolton instead of a half-one. "Yes, I am keeping it."

"You don't know the gender yet?" Miley asks.

I shake my head, "No."

"How far along are you?" Lucas asks.

"Twenty second week."

"Who is the father?" Ryan's voice is shaking and I look to my left. He looks shocked and angry and devastated.

"I don't know." I bite my lip. I can't tell them it's Troy's.

"How can you not know?"

"I was drunk." I say with a shrug, I hope that covers my lie.

"No name?"

I bite my lip again. I have to stay true to that. If I told the girls the baby's father's name is Thomas Rotherford, then I have to tell them as well. "Thomas Rotherford."

He nods, as if this information would help him in any way. "You told him?"

"No. I can't find him. I have no address, phone number or anything."

"You have a whole team of former secret agents working for you."

Shit. "It doesn't matter. He wouldn't want to know."

"You don't know that."

"Ryan, it was a fucking one-night stand not a lifelong romance!" I hiss at him again. "And you told me to go out and have dates."

"Dates! But not one-night stands! Or worse get yourself knocked up!" he yells back at me.

Or worse. Get yourself knocked up. The words ring painfully in my ears. It's not worse. It's the best thing that has happened to me. He gave me a part of him again. We will have another child. This is by far the best that happened to me in the last year and a half. The best!

"I think you should inform him."

"And I think you should keep your nose out of things that don't concern you." I hiss again. "Mind your own fucking business."

"You are my fucking business!" he yells at me.

Suddenly, tears start streaming down my face uncontrollably. His voice and the loudness has hit something inside of me. "I can't tell him! And I can't..." I shake my head, "Drop it. Please, Ryan, drop it. Please."

"He is the father." his eyes are sparkling with rage.

"And I am the mother."

"You are fucking unbelievable!" he starts gesturing at me.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath in, "Judge me all you want but I am not going to tell him. I will raise this baby on my own. With or without your guys' help." I inhale again, trying to calm down the baby that's dancing inside of me.

"You can always count on us." Miley's soft voice reaches my ears and I open them. She smiles at me and I wipe away the running tears.

"Yes she can, can't she?!" Kelsi asks her husband, staring him down.

"Yes." he growls, "Of course you can."

I look at him, seeing that his features have softened up a bit. "Thank you."

"We're your family." Ryan shrugs before pulling me into a hug.

---

I am working in his study as the white wooden door swings open. "Yes?" I ask as I finish the email. I send it off and look up. For a second I can see my husband standing in the doorway but then the image transforms into my oldest daughter.

"I come in peace." She answers and I notice that she has her hand wrapped around another hand. She's here with Wlad, but he's hiding behind a wall.

That's unlike him. "Hey, coward! You can come in as well!" I yell, causing Della to chuckle and smile before walking inside, dragging Wlad behind her. My best friend doesn't look beat up any more, but at least now he knows that I'm serious when it comes to my family. The family he is now a part of. Because he loves my daughter. My daughter... it's still a bit weird.

"Heard you had quite an interesting dinner." Wlad says before they reach the mahogany desk that I'm sitting behind. His wide shoulders stretch out the black shirt that he's wearing underneath the black jacket. He paired that with light washed trousers and black leather shoes. Della on the other hand is wearing light washed skinny jeans, white sneakers and a white loose fitting blouse. They look like night and day.

But somehow they look beautiful together.

I nod, "I didn't tell them about you guys."

"No, we're doing this. When the time is right." Della says before sitting down in one of the two navy velvet armchairs.

"How did they react to the pregnancy?" Wlad asks, getting seated as well.

"Better than I did when I found you're dating my firstborn."

He chuckles, "No external wounds?"

I smile and shake my head, "And not a lot of internal. A few nasty words have been dropped in the beginning but they're on my side."

"Us Boltons stick together." Adaline says with a nod.

I smile and notice how tightly their fingers are interlaced together. I could barely keep my hands off of my husband. Troy and I were just like them... we were so in love... suddenly his laughter starts filling my ears and the way he sang in the kitchen when he cooked... I can almost feel his arms around me, feel his lips kissing mine...

"Mom,"

I look up from their hands, "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

I nod and smile, "Yeah... I just..." I shrug.

Suddenly Wlad lets go of Della's hand, probably sensing what's going on.

"Oh, no. Please don't change because of me. I am alright with this... this relationship. It's just..."

"It's just what?" Della asks before grabbing Wlad's hand again. Their hands fit perfectly together. Troy and mine did as well.

I look up from their joined hands again, "You guys just bring back memories, that's all."

"Good ones?"

I smile, "The best." I whisper with tears in my eyes.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, Mom." Della's navy eyes soften.

I shake my head and inhale deeply. "How the hell did you keep this from me all these years? How could I have not seen this obvious love?"

Della smiles at me. "I think it's pretty safe to say that I inherited Daddy's skills to secrecy. Plus you were busy with the triplets and work-"

"That's not an excuse. You guys have been seeing each other since five years!"

Wladimir gulps, "We were broken off more than half of it."

"But you kept seeing each other." I point out.

"Well yeah, but as long as I was focused on Parkinson's we were on a break. Somehow."

I lick my lips. I'm a horrible mother. My daughter was in pain and I didn't see any of it. I was more focused on the little ones and completely neglected my two big girls. I didn't take care of them as I should have. I didn't take care of them at all.

"Ella, your daughters are big girls. You did nothing wrong. Della and I decided to keep it a secret from all of you until we were ready." Wlad says to me. "We wanted to tell you last Sunday but then you surprised me with Zeus-"

"And things kind of got out of control from there on." Della says with a shrug. "I didn't expect you to turn into Momzilla. You were like a lion protecting her spouses."

"That's because you are my spouse." I point out. "You are my flesh and blood. My first born." Our first born.

She nods, "I know but I'm a big girl. I make my own decisions. And I choose him. I'll always choose him no matter what other option there is. I love him, Mom."

"I can see that now, too." I whisper. "I mean I saw that when you both talked to me separately but I never would have guessed that you were talking about each other."

Wlad looks at Della, "You never told me you talked to her."

Della gulps. "Well it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"You ripped me apart when I told you I talked to my Mom!"

She sighs, "You want to rip me apart now as well?"

"No, I want an apology."

"You won't get that."

"You did the same as me!" He says in Russian.

I smirk at their discussion. They totally forgot that I'm sitting across them.

"Wladimir,"

He looks back at me, "Sorry." He says to me.

I shake my head, "No it's... amusing."

"Amusing?" He asks with a raised eyebrow.

I shrug. I don't have my partner to discuss with anymore. I might as well take comfort in the relationships my daughters have. They're at the beginning of their lives and I hope it won't be like mine.

"I'm glad you find us entertaining." My daughter rolls her navy eyes.

I smirk at Della's words.

---

The alarm clock wakes me up in the morning. I shut it off before turning around. His side of the bed is still empty. Rory and Jo have left our bed about an hour ago. I felt them moving and heard them growling. They are probably downstairs, having breakfast already.

I turn around and stare at the empty bedside. There used to be times when he didn't wake up at five thirty; Times when he shut his alarm clock off and turned around in the bed instead of getting out; Times when he just stared at me while I pretend to sleep... Times, when he was still there.

Still here with me.

But those times are over.

I sigh and feel my baby moving inside of me. Six months pregnant. It's been six months since I saw him - or one of his many identities. But I miss even the stranger I first saw in the hallway of an Oxford building. I miss his arms, his smell, his voice, his laugh... the way his eyes sparkle at me when he smiles, the way he stares at me when he doesn't think I notice... I miss him so badly.

I gulp the golf ball in my throat down before getting out of the bed. It's seven thirty in the morning - time to try to make it through another day. I twist my hair into a bun as I walk into our dressing room. I switch on the lights and stop as I see my reflection in the mirror. I look tired - but I have been looking tired ever since he left me. My eyes travel down my body, seeing the deformation that causes my baby bump clearly underneath my cotton pyjamas. I take a deep breath, smelling him. I remember how he used to lean against the doorframe, his eyes resting on me as I got dressed. I remember the way he used to pin me against this mirror, kissing me like there's no tomorrow. I remember the look he gave me when I was picking out my outfit for the day. And I remember how he made me feel his desire for me with just one glance. I remember how hard it was for us to separate our lips at times. I remember the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around my upper body. I remember the way he used to rest his warm palms on my baby bump when I was pregnant with Adaline or the triplets. I remember so much...

But they are just memories.

He's gone.

---

"Mom!" I hear Josephine yelling for me.

I push the office chair I am sitting in back before slowly rising. Brushing through my hair, I walk out of my study upstairs and down the hallway. My baby starts kicking on the way, being clearly awake in these late hours. "What is it?" I ask my daughter as I stop in the doorway of her room. Jo's room is held in beige tones and her king sized bed has light blue bedding. There are even real golden dots that Ana and she painted a few years ago.

Jo lifts her gaze off of her mahogany desk at the end of the room with French windows, "I need a new lightbulb."

Lightbulbs... Troy used to do those things. Change lightbulbs, fix dripping taps... open glass containers that were too secure for us to open. But now... Now, it's my job. I am mother and father - in one person combined. I am an electrician, a craftsman and whatever else I have to be. "Alright, we have some extras downstairs." I say before walking next door to Rory's room. I knock on the wood before entering - I learnt that the hard way the last time I invaded her privacy. "Rory? I need you to get a lightbulb out of the hall closet downstairs." I say as I open the door. Rory's room is held in beige tones as well. On the wall where her king sized bed is standing, Ana and Rory painted pink peonies that look just like the bouquet of fresh ones that stand on the coffee table that's across her white marbled fireplace. On the mantelpiece are a few framed photos of her best friends.

I can see Rory sitting behind her white marbled desk, an MacBook is open as well as a few books. She's doing homework.

The light blue eyes of her father stare back at me, "Okay, just let me finish the passage."

"No! Now!" Jo calls from her room. "I have no light on my desk!"

Rory growls, "It's for her?"

I frown, "Did you guys had a fight?"

I watch her getting up from the chair before stamping over to me, "No."

"It doesn't sound like it to me."

She stops across me and I see that her crystal blue eyes have turned darker. Just like her father's eyes did. "You want me to get you the lightbulb or not?!"

I place my hand on my hips, "I am sorry, but who's the mother here?!" my voice has a warning tone, telling her to not mess with me right now.

She holds her hands up, "Fine." with that she walks pass me and down the hall.

I walk back into Jo's room seeing her doing homework as well. "What happened between you guys?"

"Nothing." Jo says quickly, her eyes not leaving the pages of the books.

"Do I have to start worrying about you two now as well?" I ask her back, slowly walking over to her. Nate is a hand-full to worry about already, even if he's going to boarding school. And then there's Ana who is engaged to Jake now... and Della... with Wlad. Shit, so much has happened over the past two years... I sit down in the armchair at the fireplace, my eyes trained on my daughter. With fourteen she only worries about if her shoes match her hair clip.

She sighs before putting the pencil down. "Don't worry about it. She'll cool off in a few hours - a few days max."

"What happened?" I keep pressing.

Josephine sighs again and for a moment I swear I am looking straight at her father. "Well-"

"You are not going to tell her!" Rory's furious voice makes me wince. I turn around and see the lightbulb in her hand.

"I weren't going to anyway!" Jo hisses back.

"Oh really?!"

"Lightbulb." I say, striking out my hand. I learned over the years that I better not interfere in their quarrels. But in times like these I just can't help it.

Rory hands me the lightbulb, "That's it. I'm out!" she holds up her hands before rushing out of the bedroom.

I look at Josephine with an alarmed look. I know Rory is the drama queen in our family.

Jo sighs, "Fine. I'll clear that with her. But I need to have light when I'm back."

"Sure." That's a deal I can do. I walk over to her desk and carefully twirl out the broken lightbulb before placing it on the wooden desk. At least this time it's a lightbulb and not a broken shower head, a dripping tap or an office chair. I pick up the new lightbulb and carefully twirl it out. It's shining brightly and I realise that I forgot to switch the desk lamp off before exchanging the lightbulbs. Suddenly, the electrify rushes through my body and I fall down on my butt. My back clashes against the glass of the floor length window. I feel the pain rushing through my body.

Fuck, my baby!

"Mom!" I look up at Jo and Rory who are standing across me.

"I'm alright." I breathe out, but only in a whisper. I pray that I really am alright. That we both are.

"Really?"

I nod before slowly rising from the floor. "Yes." I look back at the desk. Fucking lightbulb! "You can get back to your homework." I walk over to my little girls. "Okay?"

Jo nods, "Okay." she whispers before both of my girls embrace me.

"I am fine." I say before kissing their heads. "Get back to your homework." I whisper as Jo and Rory let go of me. I watch Jo walking back to her desk and Rory into her room. I walk out of Josephine's room without looking at her once more. I feel a wave of fear overcoming me, so I decide to walk to the master bedroom instead. I lock the door before sitting down on the floor. I lean my back against the wooden door before starting to sob. I place my hand on my baby bump. He or she is fine... Please, be fine! Hot tears start rolling down my face uncontrollably. My body starts shaking a bit as what just happens really hits me. It was a fucking electric shock! A really light one, but yet an electric shock! It lasted for maybe five seconds... or seven, but definitely not more than ten. That's good... right?

I have to go to the hospital! I have to get a check up! I have... I have- Suddenly, I start hyperventilating. Breathing starts getting harder, my heart starts beating faster... This is not good. This is definitely not good!

I place one hand on my heart and the other on my baby bump. I won't lose our baby. I won't.

It's all I have left of him.

I wince as I hear a knock against the wooden door. "Mom?" It's Rory.

"Call your sister!" I answer back before slowly rising from the floor. My hands are sweating.

"Which one?" Rory asks back.

My fingers wrap around the doorknob. I feel dizzy. "Don't care." Slowly, I unlock the door. I don't want her to see me this weak, but there's no other way. "I need to go to the hospital." I breathe out as I open the door.

Rory's blue eyes are glassy as she sees me. "Mom?"

"Whom should I call?" Josephine asks, walking over to us with an iPhone in her hand.

"Ana." I whisper.

"Ana! She said Ana!" Rory repeats louder, but her voice is only a whisper in my ears.

"Okay." her fingers dial a number as she reaches me. "God, Mom!"

"I'm-"

"I swear if you say you're okay one more time, I'll-" Rory's voice vanishes as suddenly everything turns black.

---

Beep. Beep. Beep.The sound of a heart monitor reaches my ears, before a swooshing sound follows. My baby's heartbeat... My baby is alive! Alive!

Slowly, I open my eyes feeling still a bit lightheaded. It's dark in here, I notice as my eyes slowly scan the room. I stop as I see my brother in law sitting in an armchair across me. His dirty blonde hair is a mess and his emerald eyes look tired.

"Hi..." I whisper, hearing my broken voice.

"Hey!" he greets me before rushing over to me."How are you?"

I frown as his emerald eyes stare into mine, "How's my baby?"

"He is fine, apparently."

"He?" I grin, I'm having a boy!

"It's a boy." he announces smiling.

"A boy!" I breathe out amazed before placing my hand on my bump. A baby boy... Troy and I will have another son. Another son.

"Yes, a boy..." his hand grabs mine, "And he is fine. No damage at all." he promises me.

"That's good..." I smile. Our boy is healthy.

"What about you? How are you?"

"I feel a bit lightheaded, but other than that fine." I explain. "Where am I?"

"Richmond Royal Hospital." he explains slowly, "Rory and Jo are at home with Ryan and Kelsi. We decided to rotate."

I frown, "How long was I unconscious?"

"Almost a day."

"A day?!" I ask back shocked. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

His green eyes stare into mine, "The electric shock was just the trigger to it. You probably didn't sleep well in the last months, did you?"

I barely have slept, but I won't tell him. I shrug instead.

"That paired with the fact that your husband left you over a year and a half ago... and the baby... and the triplets... it was all back-breaking. The doctors gave you something so you could get all the rest you needed."

"And the triplets?"

"Nate doesn't know of anything. Jo and Rory are fine, they were just a bit shaken up by what happened. Ana slept with them last night as Della was on-call. She spent every free minute here."

"Okay... So, I'm alright?" Somehow, I don't feel rested at all.

"Yes, well... your body is anyway."

I can't believe we survived this. We both survived this.

---

I sit up on the lounging chair and curl my toes deeper into the fine white sand. The big floppy hat protects my head from the hot Maledivian sun. I smile as I see my youngest daughters and my little boy walking out of the turquoise water, wearing their snorkel attire. Jo's pink, Rory's green and Nate's blue. They look so adorable! Jake comes out behind them in black swim trunks, he kept an eye on them while they went snorkelling. He's so good with the triplets that I can only imagine how amazing he is going to be as a father when Ana and him have their own kids.

"Mom we saw so many fish!" Lorelai breathes out with a gigantic smile on her face.

"They were blue and red-"

"And yellow and green and orange!" Nate finishes Josephine's sentence. "We even saw baby sharks! Baby sharks, can you believe it?!"

"It looks like you guys had a lot of fun." I mirror their smile, "Alright, come here. It's sunscreen-time."

I hear all three of them growling before getting out of the flippers. I watch them walking over to me before I hand them each a spray bottle with sunscreen and a chapstick with SPF. "Don't forget the-"

"Hands, ears, feet and lips. We know, Mom!" They all say out of one mouth.

I grin, "Good." I look over to my right, seeing my oldest daughters enjoying the warm temperatures in the shadow. Adaline is reading a medical journal while Ana is snoozing underneath the straw hat she's wearing. The oval peachy diamond is glittering on her left ring finger. Jake walks over to her and kisses her awake. She winces from the wet water drops before giggling. "And maybe spray some on Ana, Della and Jake as well, okay?" I whisper.

"Got'cha!" Nate smirks at me.

I return his smirk before rubbing my nose against his. I watch them spraying sunscreen on each other and turning around. They dance around in the shadows, laughing. Spending the days after Christmas here was the perfect idea. I gasp as I feel my sixth child dancing along in my belly. I place my hands on the baby bump seeing and feeling the deformation underneath the black swimsuit. I am quite big already, which wasn't the case with Adaline in the same state of pregnancy years ago. Seven months have gone by so fast...

"Is he moving?" Adaline's eyes have lifted from the medical journal. She's been very on guard as I have told my gynaecologist that I'd be safe on that vacation. Wlad is laying next to her but he's keeping the public affection to a minimum. I think he knows that I'm still not fully fond of the idea of them being together. I mean I always rooted for Ana and Jake... Della and Wlad took me by surprise. It's still a strange thought but when I see how they look at each other my doubts start to become smaller and smaller... maybe one day there won't be any.

"Yes." I say, nodding.

"Are you feeling dizzy again?"

I shake my head, "Haven't felt dizzy since we landed four days ago. I am fine."

"It's up to me to decide that."

I close my eyes, hearing her father talking to me through her. He might be gone, but he is still here. In each and every single one of our children. Even in the unborn one. I rub my belly and wince as I feel cooling sunscreen on my back out of the sudden. I jump up and turn around as I hear the childish laughter of three perfect little human beings. They look so victorious.

They look like their Daddy.

---

I sit down on the warm white sand and let the water touch my feet. My children, and their boyfriends, have gone hiking but I decided to stay at the beach. The sun is shining down on me on this late December day. I can't believe the year is almost over. So much has happened... I'm seven months pregnant with a nameless baby boy, Ana is engaged to Jake and Della... Della's in a relationship with Wlad. My best friend. Troy's best friend.

I gulp, Troy will freak out when he finds out about them. If he comes back to us, that is.

I stare at the turquoise water that's surrounding this tiny Maldivian island. I booked the whole hotel for our stay because I wanted to have the same privacy as we have on French Cay, our island, but without the many heartbreaking memories.

Suddenly a shadow covers me, "Would you like to drink something, Mrs. Bolton?"

I look up and see a waitress with a huge smile on her lips. "No, thank you. I'm good. Just waiting for the rest of my family to come back."

"You have a very lovely family. Your kids are so nice!"

I chuckle, "Not on daily basis."

She smiles at me, turns around and leaves me alone again.

I look back at the turquoise coloured ocean in front of me. The triplets still have their tantrums, but at least Jo and Rory have claimed down a little. I can't say that for Nate though. He's been getting into fights non-stop and I'm afraid sooner or later Harrow is going to kick him out. I mean, they can only suspend him a number of times. I wonder what their limit is.

I'm sure I'll find out thanks to Nate.

My baby boy start kicking again. He's been keeping me awake at night. He's far more active than Della and even more than the triplets. I have no idea what to name him. Maybe I should the triplets decide that.

"Ella,"

I wince at the sound of my nickname. There are only two people in the world that call me that. And one is currently running through the whole wide world, killing strangers and mafia bosses.

I look to my left and see Wladimir sitting down next to me. "How was the hike?"

"Good. Got them tired."

I grin as I know he's talking about the youngest Boltons.

"How are you?" His light grey eyes stare at me in concern.

I shrug, there's no answer to that question. I've been fucked up ever since he left us. That's not going to change just because so much time has passed by or the pregnancy. "I'm thinking."

"About what?"

"About this whole life that he's missing out on." I sigh and lean against him. "I don't think Nate is going to stay at Harrow for the rest of the school year. I'm pretty sure they'll throw him out. Jo and Rory are not at their best behaviour as well. I don't know what to do with them anymore. I want to be there for them and be their rock but... it's hard. It's bloody hard!"

"Do you want me to talk to them?"

I shrug. "Della tried, Ana tried, my brother tried... Luc, Miley, Jake - they all tried to knock some sense into their brains. You might as well give it a shot." It won't change anything anyway. They're rebellious. Rule breakers. They're just like me when I grew up.

"Maybe they don't need to get sense knocked into their brains but instead release it."

I lift my head off of his shoulder, "Release it?"

He nods, "Rory stoped playing tennis, didn't she?"

"Yes. And Nate stoped swimming."

"I think they should get back to it. They need to release all their anger by hitting a tennis ball or swimming until their lungs burn... or ride on the back of a horse."

"Jo hasn't been to Dover ever since he left us."

"See? They're missing it."

"But they won't do it. I tried to keep everything as normal in the beginning but one day they said they were done with it!"

"Didn't Nate want to become an Olympic Swimmer and Rory a four times Grand Slam winner? Both of their dreams aren't dead. They didn't throw them away. They just need to get back on it."

"And how am I suppose to get them back on track?"

"Not you. I'll do it. With Della and Ana... and Jake. Leave this to us. Rely on your family. We've got your back." He whispers before wrapping his arm around me.

---

I lay on my side in the canopy bed. My eyes stare into dark brown orbs. They give away no emotions. It's so difficult to say what he's feeling. I scan his face. It still looks the same. He hasn't changed except for the dark brown eyes and his light blonde hair. I brush through his hair, having the feeling of silk touching me. It might not be chestnut brown, but it still is beautiful. I let my thumb run over his lips. His lips still feel the same. He catches my hand in the movement. Lacing his fingers with mine, I feel his lips kissing my knuckles. I look at our laced fingers, seeing our wedding bands. Our fingers still fit as they used to. Silence embraces us as I hear his breathing. We breathe synchronously. I feel loved, beautiful and cherished. I never want this moment to stop.

I wake up, feeling tears streaming down my face. I can see the Indian Ocean through the glass facade with the white sanded beach in front of me. It's already dawn.

The new year has begun.

I brush through my hair, trying to calm down. He is not here. I am alone in this bedroom. Another year, maybe a lifetime, without him. I feel my baby boy kicking, showing me that I am not alone after all. I place my hands on my belly, rubbing it softly. Maybe he's just as frustrated and sad as me. I get out of the bed, feeling sweaty and full of pain. With my naked feet I walk slowly to the bathroom, sobbing heavily. Dreams like this make me feel the pain all over again. It's been seven months since I last saw him but it feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday that he broke me all over again. I strip out of my clothes before stepping into the shower. Turning the water on, I step beneath the water jet. I let the water drops wash my tears away as they have always done in these last nineteen months.

I rest palms against the marble wall in the shower and send out a silent prayer that he comes back. I stopped believing in God after all that happened to me, but on days like these... he's the only one I can turn to.

---

My left leg is wrapped around his hip, my eyes are locked with his. I stare into a beautiful turquoise colour that I get lost in again. His breath is as shallow as mine, I feel it touching my face every time he exhales. His smell overwhelms my nostrils and I try to lock it deep in my memory. I know this moment won't last forever, but right now it feels like time has stopped. His fingers slowly run up my spine as I feel his dick softening inside of me. I ran my fingers through his hair, stopping at the nape of his neck. His black chin long hair is still a bit strange, but I try not to think about it too much - just like these massive muscles he grew over the last year. Behind all of this is my husband. The love of my life. My other hand is laced with his. His thumb is running over my wedding bands, his eyes are slowly changing into the sapphire blue that's in my wedding rings.

His fingers stop at my neck before fondling my right cheek, "I love you."

"I love you, too." I whisper back.

I never want this moment to end.

I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks. Rolling over, I see my oldest son sleeping next to me with his two younger sisters sleeping behind him in our bed. His arm is resting on my upper body, his hand placed on his unborn younger brother, who is officially 29 weeks old.

29 weeks plus a full year added to that and my heart still feels as broken as it did the day he left us. Maybe it's more broken than ever.

---

Yawning, I brush through my hair and decide to call it a night. I switch off my iMac and get out my office chair in my study. I look behind me and see that the sun has already set. I place my hands on my 30 weeks old bump as my little boy starts dancing. I can feel and see the deformation on my bump and smile every single time. He used to remind me of what we lost, of what he will be missing, but now he reminds me of what luck I had to have the chance to say a proper goodbye. A goodbye that created him.

And for that I am immensely grateful.

I may have not been given the all the answers I wanted, but it doesn't bother me anymore. He's gone. He's on a mission, hunting someone. He's protecting us from whoever.

I still pray that he'll come back to us. Safe and healthy. But at the same time I know he won't. My gut tells me otherwise - and my gut is always right.

I stare at my mahogany desk for some reason, looking at the mess I created in the last three hours. The light of my table lamp is shining on it brightly. Another yawn escapes my lips as I decide to tidy up this mess before going to bed. I pick up the papers before collecting them in a stack. As I straighten the stack, my eyes stop at a sparkle coming from the wall across me, right on the mantel piece behind a framed photo of Troy and me at the Côte d'Azur about four years ago. I remember the day we took the photo like yesterday. He surprised me with this trip during the triplets' Eastern break. As always we had spent the two weeks on our vineyards in France. But one morning he decided to kidnap me, get me into a car and drive all the way to the Côte d'Azur where I then woke up. The triplets stayed at the vineyards and we had the best day in a long time. A stranger took this photo of us at the beach. We're grinning from head to toe.

Frowning, I place the stack of paper on my desk before walking over to the sparkle. It's not coming from the photo frame, as the photo has a black iron wrought frame. I pick up the frame and turn it over, noticing a lose sheet of paper falling to the ground. I bend down and pick it up. Yet I stumble as I see his curly handwriting on the paper. It has my name written on it.

I feel my heart racing in my chest, my pulse throbbing in my ears as my fingers start to shake. I take a step back and let myself fall into the indigo collared arm chair next to the fireplace. How could I have not seen this? I turned this whole house upside down - several times! Yet, I missed this piece of paper. This folded sheet that was hidden behind a framed photo.

I take a deep breath before I unfold the unknown.

My love,

when you find this letter, I will be gone. I will finally have found the courage to leave you, our children and this paradise we call our life. I don't know when I'll find the courage, but I know that I have to.

This is not your fault. My decision is not based on an argument or disagreement we had. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing, do you hear me?

This is about so much more. About so many, many more people than you think.

Today marks September the 5th of 2036. It was the first day I noticed it. I noticed the first signs. The signs that tell me that I have to leave my family to clean up the mess I created years ago. I thought it was taken care of - but by now I am deeply sure that it was not. I know I'll have to go - and leave you all behind. It will be the hardest decision of my life. But right now, right in this moment, I can't even tolerate the thought of it - let alone wrap my head around that I really am writing this to you. I'll hide this letter very well to make sure you'll be the only one who will ever find it. I don't know when you will and I don't know if I'll be alive and with you when you do - but I want you to know that I'll always love you, our descendants and this bond that we've wrapped them in. I love you more than I could ever imagine and by the time you've found this, I'll love you a million times more.

Please keep this letter to yourself and do not show it to anyone. No officer, no child of our's, no family member... keep it to yourself.

Make this one last sacrifice for me.

Forever yours,

Troy

I feel tears streaming down my face. I'll love you a million times more. This is not your fault. I know, I'll have to go. You have done nothing wrong. This paradise we call life.

Forever yours.

I wipe the tears away from my face and feel our baby boy kicking again. I place my hand on the deformation and softly stroke it, hoping this gesture will calm me down as well. My lower lip starts shaking as I scan through his words again. Keep it to yourself. Make this one last sacrifice. Forever yours. I sob as the letter in my hands starts shaking. I can't believe he did this to us! I can't believe the amount of damage, of pain he left us with. All of us! There's not one person more hurt than the other. We are all devastated. We're all in so much indescribable pain! I inhale deeply, feeling my breath shaking as this pain hits me mercilessly again - as it has always done since he left us. That night didn't change it, it didn't give me peace - fuck it gave me nothing but a broken heart all over again!

But it did leave me pregnant. With his child. His son.

I bite my shaking lip as I desperately try to calm down. He's breaking me in half every single second he's not here with us. He's breaking me in half when I sleep, when I'm awake, when I'm working, when I'm raising our children... when I am trying to deal with this pain.

But I can't! I can't live with this pain he left me with. I can't live knowing - I start sobbing more heavily, feeling my racing beating broken heart in my chest. How dare he do that to us! If only I could have convinced him to not leave. But I failed. I failed my children. I failed our family. I failed his brother, his mother, his sister... I failed us.

I failed.

---

I fold my hands as I stare at Wladimir. His fingers are wrapped around the letter as his grey eyes scan my husband's handwriting. I called him as soon as I could think clearly again and despite the late hour, my best friend didn't hesitate to drive here although he lives in the middle of London. He couldn't shake off Della. They're inseparable ever since telling our family about their relationship. She came with him of course but surprisingly walked straight to her bedroom after they arrived. She must be tired after a long day at work.

"What do you think?" I ask him after five minutes of silence.

"The date doesn't ring a bell." Wlad answers before looking up.

"September the 5th from two years ago says nothing to me either." I breathe out and brush through my hair. "I looked at his calendar but there was nothing scheduled... I checked his emails that day and found nothing strange as well."

"He wouldn't have left such obvious footprints." My best friend says before staring at the cracking fire in the open fireplace. We're sitting in his study at three in the morning, trying to see a reason when there is none.

"What shall I do with it?"

Wlad looks at me, "He told you to not show it to anyone. That would only arise questions and wake up sleeping dogs. Don't show it to your children as this will shatter them on a whole new level. I'll hold my tongue towards Della..." he holds the letter up, "At least now we know he's been planning that for quite a while. And we know that there are a lot of people involved. More than we know of."

I gulp, "I just want him home."

The grey eyes of my best friend soft and he reaches out to squeeze my hand. "Me, too."

---

I rush down the staircase, passing our gallery wall. I'm holding a pair of black leather Louboutins that match my black strapless tight dress. It hugs my body and was the only dress that would fit me and that baby bump. "Guys, I'm leaving!" I call out but frown as I don't get the response I should. "Guys?!" I ask again, walking into the living area. To my surprise it's empty. Where are they?

I sigh as I turn around and walk down the hallway. I rush down another staircase before walking down another hallway. I stop at a closed door before opening it. There are my three children. Sitting on comfortable couches in our very own cinema. Zeus is laying in front of the screen that shows the red carpet at the Brit Awards. "I'm leaving." I say, causing all three heads to turn to my direction.

"It looks like you're already late." Jo points out.

"I'm not walking down the red carpet."

"Are you sure we can't come along?" Nate asks me.

"He just saw Camila Cabello waking down the red carpet." Rory rolls her eyes at him and Jo chuckles.

"Shut up! Justin Bieber is on the red carpet right now!"

"Oh, Really? Mom, can we come along?" Rory asks me

I sigh, "I'm sorry but did one of you suddenly get an A or B in Latin, Physics or Math?" I ask each of them looking from Rory to Nate to Jo. I know my kids. They're not stupid. They're protesting against something they can't change anyway. Troy won't come back just because our kids are getting bad grades. He has enough trust in me to handle them.

To handle all of the mess he left me with.

"No." They answer out of one mouth.

"So, there you go. Until you haven't improved from the Fs in those subject you will not attend anything but a school building." I explain, placing my hand on my hip. They may have started to release their anger after Wlad performed some kind of miracle but they're still not out of the woods. "Understood?"

They nod.

"Good. I probably won't be home before midnight. I'll see you tomorrow then."

They nod again, "Bye." All three pairs of blue eyes look at the screen again.

"And listen to Kevin." I add before turning around. "Where is he anyway?"

"Kitchen. Making popcorn."

I nod before walking away from them. I feel my baby boy dancing in my belly as I walk up to the main floor again. I brush through my hair as I get into my left shoe before I get into my right shoe. I walk down the hallway now being a few inches taller. I'm late as per usual. I rush down the hallway and suddenly bump into Kevin. Popcorn starts flying everywhere. "Mrs. Bolton, I'm so sorry."

I shake my head as I pick off the popcorn from my dress. "Everything's fine, Kevin."

"I'll clean..." his eyes rest on my bump. It's the first time he sees the baby bump as I've always tried to hide it. But 30 weeks aren't so easy to hide anymore. He clears his throat, "I'll clean that up."

I nod, "Okay."

"And congrat-congratulations on the..." he eyes stare at my bump. "On the bump."

"Thank you."

---

I push the flush of the toilet. Being pregnant means I get to pee every five seconds but doing that in a six thousand pound gown it's much harder. As predicted the media has been going crazy over my pregnancy.

"Did you see Gabriella Bolton tonight?"

I stop with my hand on the doorknob.

"Yes. Can you believe she's pregnant again? At what forty?!"

"I know. But I mean come on, Troy Bolton is like a walking sex god. I'm more surprised that they don't have more children."

"As if those five weren't enough."

I take a deep breath before turning the doorknob.

"But I haven't seen Troy in like a year on any social events. That's weird don't you think?"

"Well if you ask me perhaps some of the rumours are true."

I open the door and look at two brunette woman in pink gowns. Both stare at me with wide eyes as they see me approaching them through the reflection in the mirror.

"Mrs. Bolton I am so sorry for-" I raise my hand to make brunette number one shut the hell up.

"Why do you think I even care the tiniest bit about what you say or think?!" I ask as I wash my hands.

Both brunettes stare at me with shock.

"I don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks of me!" I hiss at them as I dry my hands, "So, you better stop apologising." I walk out of the ladies room without turning around.

---

Italian music is coming out of the speakers as I spread the flour on the kitchen white marbled island. "How far are you with the filling?"

"Done." Jo says smiling. We're making tortellini as part of our Italian week. With six hands more in the kitchen this should be done very fast.

"Nate, roll the dough." I say as I mix the salad. We cut the vegetables for the salad without any fuss.

"Got it!"

I open the cupboard to get out olive oil.

"Hey!" Rory growls suddenly.

"Stop it!" Jo says, "Mom, Nate is throwing flour on me!"

"Ha! There you go!" Rory says with a laughter her father has as well. I turn around with the olive oil bottle in my hand. My kids are covered in flour and are throwing flour at each other.

"Guys, stop it!" I say out loud but they don't listen. I place the bottle on the kitchen counter with a loud bang. "I said STOP!" I scream out loud.

All three of them wince before looking at me. I feel tears building in my eyes. I haven't yelled at them in a really long time. "Nate roll out the dough. Jo you will cut the dough into pieces and Rory will fill them with our filling. Call me when you're done. Mommy needs a break!" I say before storming out of the kitchen. "And don't you dare start throwing with flour again!" I scream before opening the door of the nearest guest bedroom. I close the door and lean against it as tears start streaming down my face. I am so exhausted. I have heartburn, feel bloated and stressed. How am I suppose to handle this?! Everything feels too much out of the sudden. I feel my unborn baby kicking and look down. My belly starts deforming as feet and hands kick against the walls of my stomach. How the hell am I suppose to handle four children? A newborn while raising these three teenagers?! I start sobbing. I can't do this without him.

I can't.

---

I let the USB stick glide through my fingers. I can't believe I only found it today. How the hell could he have hidden that fucking stick in one of my Louboutins? I mean who thinks of that?! I bite my lip as it starts shaking. I don't know if I can do this. If I can handle another heartbreaking goodbye. But I also cannot stop staring at the stick.

"Fuck!" I breathe out as I put the stick into my computer. I'll go crazy if I don't have a look at it. I open the file on the USB stick and see that there are videos on it. They are titled by years: One year after me, two years after me... I scroll down the list. It ends at fifteen years after him before there are videos for our children. When they get married, when they have children of their own... I start shivering. I can't do this. I can't look at even one of these videos. My vision gets blurry as I stare at the first video. I can't... I shake my head and close my eyes, exhaling as tears stream down my face. I start crying heavily before even having a look. Just the thought of it makes my heart already bleed.

Suddenly our baby boy starts dancing in my belly. I place my hand on it and take a deep breath. I don't know if I am calming him down or if it's the other way around. Either way, it helps as I stop sobbing after a few minutes.

I gulp before I click play.

The screen is blurry at first but it slowly focuses until it shows the mahogany desk in his study. There's snow outside as I can see that through our French windows. The mahogany desk is tidy. There's an iMac, a pen, a notebook and a lamp. Nothing else. He always left his desk tidy while I always make a mess out of it. Suddenly, a white Oxford shirt appears on the screen as he adjusts the camera.

And then he sits down in his chair. The same I am sitting in right now. My husband's wearing a white Oxford shirt with the first three buttons open. His chestnuts silky hair is a bit unruly. His blue eyes shine. His chin is free from any stubbles or beard.

My throat tightens. My heart clenches. Tears burn in my eyes.

"Hi,"

I stop the video as I hear his voice. One word. One simple greeting and I'm in tears. I can't watch this! I can't watch him talking about a life he wishes for me to have. I can't listen his voice without crying. I can't look at him without feeling my broken heart.

There is no year after him. There's no second year after him...

There is no life without him.

Suddenly the door to his study swings open. "Della wants to know if you want walnuts in your salad." Wladimir asks me. He and Della have been spending most of their weekends with me. I even had Wlad's Dad, Sergej, over for dinner last week. Unlike me, he hasn't had any doubts about them.

I shake my head because my throat is still too tight to talk.

Wladimir senses that something's wrong right away. "She doesn't want any walnuts!" He yells to Della before walking into the study and closing the door. I watch him walking around the pool table I haven't used in ages before stopping across he mahogany desk. "What's wrong?"

I turn the iMac into his direction and show him the screenshot of the video.

His grey eyes widen, "What's this?"

I inhale deeply and gulp down the golf ball in my throat, "I found this USB stick in one of my Louboutins." I explain, "It has videos... from Troy. Full of fatherly advice and..." I stop as my voice cracks. Wlad walks around the desk and wraps his arms around me. I sob into his grey shirt, letting go for a moment. "He won't come back."

"You never know with Troy Bolton." Wlad says as he rubs my back.

"No, those videos are proof. He recorded them because he knew he wouldn't survive this." I insist and lift my head off of his chest.

"Have you seen them?"

I shake my head, "I wanted to but all he needed to say was hi and I was in tears all over again. I can't watch this."

"He could explain why he left." Wlad says before placing his hands on the apple magic mouse.

"I don't care why he left. I... I can't live without him and I can't accept the fact that I have to live without him... So, I can't watch these videos. It's too soon..."

Wlad scrolls through the content of the USB stick, "He even made videos for your kids?"

I nod as tears drop on to the mahogany desk. "For their wedding days, for their first love and heartache... for... their lives. For every fucking occasion." I inhale with a shaky breath, "He wanted to give them advice."

Wlad gulps, "Do you want me to watch the videos for you? To see if there's anything that could help find him?"

I shake my head and pull the stick out of the iMac. "No. I'd rather live with whatever my mind is making up to ease the heartache than know the truth that for sure is far worse than my imagination ever could be." I rise from the leather office chair and walk over to a wall with photos of us. I hang down a photo of Troy and me in front of the Eiffel Tower and hand it to Wlad. I stare at our safe before unlocking it with my iris scan, finger print and a special code. I stare at the thin folders that we have in there. There's our prenup, trust funds for our children, property contracts... I lay the USB stick on top of the folders.

Maybe one day I'm going to be ready to see those videos.

---

I yawn as I finish the last email for today. It's almost midnight and as always I am the last one in the office. Lucy left a few hours ago and Luc only spent the morning hours because tomorrow will be a hard day for all of us. Tomorrow is Lucas's and Troy's birthday.

Another one without my husband.

I send the email and switch the MacBook off. The birthday present for Luc is wrapped in nice blue wrapping paper and there's a huge blue bow on it. Lucy did an amazing job on wrapping the gift. I bought him a 200 year old scotch with customised glasses. I know he used to have a glass with his brother every year.

I pick up the gift and walk out of my office. The marbled hallway of Bolton's Enterprises is empty so the only sound is coming from my heels that touch the marble. I get into the glass elevator and push the P1 button. Kevin texted me a few hours ago and told me that the twins have gone to bed. I feel guilty for not being the one who brought them to bed but no matter how many times I try to be home punctual there's always an emergency that can't be taken care off at home.

Sometimes I think I'm the worst Mom I could be.

And than I think of Victoria and know I'm better.

The elevator doors open and I walk out. The parking desk is totally empty at that time of day so I find my silver Tesla very quickly. I unlock the car and trunk before placing Luc's gift into the trunk. I close it and suddenly wetness runs down my legs. No!

I look down.

My water broke.

---

I feel another contraction ripping me apart from the inside. I scream out in pain. He is not ready. I am not ready. This is too soon.

It's too soon!

I let go of Melinda's hand. She has been my midwife since Adaline and I wouldn't want anyone else near me. Twenty two years and four babies later and here we are again. In the same room, in the same situation.

Only without him.

The door opens and Dr. Ross walks in. She has barely aged. Her hair is up in a ponytail and she's wearing the same pink scrubs as Melinda. This feels like going back in time. If only he were by my side.

"I heard that baby boy is a little ambitious." Dr. Ross smiles before sitting down across me to check on me.

"Tell me you can stitch me up like you did after Nathanial was born. Tell me you can do something." I urge her. He hasn't even fully developed lungs! He is not ready for the cold brutal world we live in! He's not ready!

She shakes her head, "Your water broke and you are fully open. Last time I was able to stitch you up because the water from Josephine and Lorelai didn't break. But this baby boy is going to be here in less than an hour."

I feel tears forming in my eyes and shake my head, closing my legs. "No."

"Gabriella," I hear Melinda saying as she squeezes my hand, "Are you sure you don't want anyone here with you?"

I nod, "Yes." I will do this alone. Without him. He left me.

"Your daughters are just a few miles away. I could page them."

I shake my head, "No."

She sighs, her bright green eyes full of sorrow. She knows how hard giving birth is, but she's sad because she's seeing a whole different pain.

A kind of pain I tried so hard to hide in the last two years.

"What about your brother?"

I bite my lip as I feel another contraction coming. I squeeze her hand and scream as if my voice could make amends for my pain. It lasts for almost a minute. I shake my head as soon as the contraction starts to fade.

"Are you sure? You have a whole family behind your back. I can call any of these. They will be here before he is born. They will give you comfort."

He is suppose to give me comfort. He is suppose to be here! Instead, he's off to the world killing people! I release her hand and she shakes it slightly. I must have hurt her. Suddenly, I feel sorry. "Okay. Call Ryan. Only him."

She nods before rising from the chair beside me, "Good."

"Don't tell any of my daughters." They are busy. They shouldn't worry about me and their brother.

She nods before grabbing a phone from the countertop. I look at Dr. Ross. She seems deeply touched. "Right choice." She smiles before slipping off the gloves, "I'll be back in about half an hour to check on you. But things should move quicker than last time." She throws them into a bin

"Okay…" I mumble as I watch her walking over to me.

"We will take good care of him. He will be fine. We are one of the best hospitals in whole U.K. for premature babies. He'll be fine." She promises me again. She told me this over ten times in the last hours and I slowly start believing her.

But I pray anyway. I nod, "Okay." I repeat myself.

"Okay." She agrees with me, squeezing my hand before walking out of the room.

I close my eyes, cherishing this moment of no pain. I take a deep breath in, trying to calm down. But as soon as I try, I can see his face. His unshaved face. Those green eyes. That chin long black sleek hair. And that victorious smile. I see him, but I also see his fake identity he is hiding under. I scream out in pain as I feel another contraction rushing through my body. I bulk up, my voice sounding deep and excruciating. I forgot the pain every time I gave birth. But this time I won't.

This time I won't.

"Ryan is on his way. Are you sure you don't want any drugs?" Melinda's green eyes are full of concern. She's been doing this job for over thirty years now, but she still makes me feel special.

I nod, "I want to feel it. I want to feel all of it." I sound crazy, but she doesn't know of the heartache I suffer from. I'm afraid if I numb the pain in my body, the pain in my heart will kill me. It's far worse than this. Far worse.

And I can't allow myself to collapse. I can't.

Because I have children who need me.

She sits down next to me again, holding out her hand. "Okay."

I place my hand in hers and she squeeze it softly. I am so thankful for her to be here.

"You are doing a really good job." She ensures me with a smile on her lips.

"I wanted him to wait. At least a few more weeks." I breathe out. 32 are not enough.

"Babies have a mind and clock of their own."

"I'm afraid I did anything to cause this. Maybe I shouldn't have spent the holidays in the Maldives. Or maybe it was the electric shock early in the pregnancy."

She shakes her head, "No, everything you did was just fine. You had two doctors watching you 24/7. There was no reason we could have foreseen this. It's absolutely not your fault. Don't beat yourself up over this. Your baby boy is just eager to see the world."

I nod, "Yeah, I guess you could say that. What time is it?"

"Seven in the morning. Do you have a name?"

"Yes." It's the first name I picked out without him. But his children helped me out. We have come to a conclusion we all are happy with. "It's-" I stop as the door gets torn open.

"I am here. I am here! You can start pushing now!" Ryan's voice announces him before his body comes into my vision. I look to my left and see my tanned brother standing in the doorway, his hand is still on the knob.

"We are not pushing yet." I inform him with a smirk. Only he can make me smirk in a situation like this. Calling him was the right choice.

"Good." He says before closing the door, "Because I don't want to miss this birth."

Melinda eyes him before looking at me, "I'll give you some time off of me. Call me if anything happens,"

I nod before I let go of her hand. Ryan smiles at her as she passes him before walking out. He sits down on the chair Melinda used to sit. "How long have you been here?"

"A few hours. My water broke on my way to the car as I wanted to go to Luc's birthday party." He originally didn't want to celebrate this year, but I figured I get him something anyway. I know today is a tough one for all of us as it's not only Luc's but Troy's birthday as well - his second birthday without his twin brother. They always have spent their birthday together, a tradition they never broke.

But then he left us.

"You drove here?!"

"I called a cabbie." I am not that stupid after all.

He nods, "So, it's certain he's going to get born today?"

"Dr. Ross says in less than an hour."

"Where are the others? I didn't see anyone on my way here."

I bite my lip, "I didn't call anyone."

"Gabriella!" He sounds shocked, "You are in labour and you don't call anyone of us?! We are your family. We have your back. We can hold your hand and you may break it."

I gulp, "I don't have him."

He narrows his eyes at me. He doesn't know this baby is Troy's. Ryan brushes through his hair, "But you have us. He left you almost two years ago. You need to move on. I mean, you obviously did as you are having someone else's baby."

I bite my lip. I can't tell him. He told me to make everyone believe he is dead. And I keep my promises. I feel another contraction coming and I grab his hand. I squeeze through the pain, this time not screaming. I allow my body to feel the pain as it is nothing compared to my heartache. Nothing.

"Fuck," Ryan cruises as he shakes his hand, "you really are eager to break my hand, aren't you?"

I smile weakly at him, not having the nerve to say anything.

His blue eyes burn through me and I can see sorrow in them. I turn my head away, I don't want his pity.

"Tell me something to distract me." I demand before looking back at him.

"Uh, Okay…" he thinks for a moment, "Kelsi and I are thinking of moving."

"Out of that apartment?" I ask, rising my eyebrows. Ryan loves that apartment. It's in Chelsea, right in the heart of London.

He nods, "Kelsi wants something bigger and brighter. She needs a change of scenes."

"Where to then?"

"We were thinking of Kensington or Knightsbridge. Somewhere around that."

"Those are good neighbourhoods."

"She wants a view of London, a better one."

I grab his hand as a I feel another contraction coming. This time it has the urge to push. And I obey. I rise from the bed as feel my body doing its thing, tearing and ripping through my insides. After twenty seconds, I let go of his hand. "Call Melinda and Dr. Ross. I am pushing." I breathe out, collapsing against the bed.

"Okay, Okay…" he says looking around. He seems lost.

"The green button." I whisper, "Push it and they'll know."

He pushes the green button, "What now?"

"Now you allow me to break your hand." I say, holding out my hand. He places his in mine and I wrap my fingers around it. It's not the same strong hand I am used to, but it'll do. It has to.

The doors open and I see Dr. Ross with Melinda behind her walking in. They are the duo that has delivered all of my children. Including this one.

"I am pushing." I announce, feeling sweat dripping down my forehead.

Dr. Ross sits down across me to examine me, "Oh yes, you are definitely pushing. I can see the head already. Three or four pushes and he's here."

Three or four, I can do that. I nod. I have to.

"As soon as the next contraction comes push with all your power." Melinda's green eyes burn into mine. Suddenly, I can hear his heartbeat raising. I look at the monitor next to me. It starts beeping and flashing. This is not good. I feel panic chocking me as another contraction comes. No, he is not ready to be born. He is not fine! He is- "Push!" Melinda's voice rings through my ear and I push despite the panic in my body.

"He will be fine, just push through it." Dr. Ross's voice is a whisper in my ears.

I feel everything inside of me tearing and ripping until finally I feel him coming out of me. He is here. He is born.

But there is no scream.

"What's wrong?!" I feel tears building in my eyes, but not because of happiness. It's pure panic. He doesn't breathe. He doesn't scream. "Is he alive?!" I let go of Ryan's hand as I feel everything inside of me tensing, ripping and breaking apart. This is worse than any heartache.

He is dead.

I start sobbing uncontrollably, praying for his scream. He needs to breathe! I can see Dr. Ross's back as she has turned away. Melinda has cut the cord, our only connection. I don't see what she's doing but the longer the silence lingers the heavier my sobs become. He is dead.

A stillborn child.

I killed him! Oh my God! I killed him! "Tell me he is alive!" I yell, my voice sounding broken.

"Call Dr. Hastings, tell him we have…" Dr. Ross's voice disappears in my ears. He is gone. He is dead. A stillborn child.

My heart shatters into a thousand pieces as the heartache hits me mercilessly. I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, the pain being so crucial and cruel that it takes my focus off of everything surrounding me. It starts chocking me before drowning me into the darkness where I belong. Darkness surrounds me and nothing will ever get me out of there. Not even the love of our children.

Suddenly, I hear a scream.

And I am back to live.

"He is breathing!" I whisper, gulping down my darkness. It might have gotten a grip on me, but I twisted out of its hands. He is breathing…

He is alive.

Suddenly, I see a team of doctors rushing in, rolling an incubator in front of them. It's see through. There's a heart monitor above it and a reanimation kit. Dr. Ross places my baby boy into the incubator before rushing away with the team of doctors. I stare at the empty spot although they left. What just happened?!

"Dr. Ross and Hastings will take good care of him." Melinda's green eyes get into my focus. I snap out of my thoughts as the emotions get a hold of me again. I gulp and nod, "He is alive." I breathe out.

She smiles, "He is breathing, yes."

I close my eyes and lean back, he is alive… he is alive.

"His heart rate was critical, but you had to give birth. There was no other option. He needed to be out so we could take care of him." Melinda explains as I open my eyes again.

"But he didn't scream. He was dead…" the fear starts chocking me again. He was dead.

"We reanimated him. His lungs are very weak. He will be in the incubator for several weeks." She sits down next to me. "Dr. Ross and Hastings will check on his vitals and run some more tests."

"But he'll pull through it." Ryan voice reaches my ears for the first time.

"It's critical, but with enough care he could make it."

I nod as my eyes look at her. He is alive. That's all that matters. "When can I see him? When can I feel him? Am I allowed to touch him?" I frown, there are so many questions running through my head.

Suddenly, I see two women rushing into the room from the corner of my eyes. Both in dark blue scrubs. Both with ponytails.

Both have the name Bolton written all over them.

"Mom, why the fuck do we have to get informed by a freaking nurse that you are at the Lindo Wing?!" Della's angry voice echoes through the whole room.

I gulp.

"And you gave birth." Ana notices dryly before looking around. Horror fills her green eyes. "Where is he?! You gave birth. Where is our brother?!" Her green eyes scan the surroundings stopping at the blood poodle in front of me, "You lost too much blood." She looks at Della, "She lost too much blood."

"I can see that." Her blue eyes shoot icicles to Melinda, "You-"

I raise my hand to make them stop. Otherwise they will rip her apart in a matter of seconds. "He is at the intensive care unit." I explain.

"I'll go to ICU, you stay here." Della rushes away before any of us has the chance to disagree. God, she's so much like her father.

Ana closes the door after her sister before taking a critical look at the heart monitor. "Your pulse is a little high."

"She is under a lot of stress, I suggest we let her rest." Melinda says, rising from the chair. "I'll come back to fill out the paperwork later."

Ryan and Ana don't make a move. "I'll stay." I hear Ana saying to Ryan.

He nods before rising from the chair.

"How is your hand?"

He moves his wrist around, "Not broken."

I wish I could say the same. I feel broken beyond repair. I nod and force myself to smile.

"I'll come back later."

I grab his wrist before pulling his ear close to my lips, "He's his." I whisper into his ear before letting him go. I had to tell someone. I had to inform someone. Even if it's just for the sake of my sanity.

He frowns at me and tries to hide the shock in his eyes before turning away to leave. He doesn't dare to look at Ana. He keeps his head low as he leaves the room.

"Mom," Ana breathes out before wrapping her arms around me. I smile and feel a tear rolling down my cheek.

"I am fine."

She looks at me, "You inform us when anything is wrong with you. Especially when you are in the hospital! Giving birth!"

I nod, "Though, I don't think this will happen another time."

She doesn't even flinch at my joke. Instead she sits down next to me, "How are you?"

It's a tough question for me. I am broken. I am full of pain. I am full of gratitude. I am near tears and joyful screams. I am a mess. "I'm okay."

She frowns as she brushes through my hair, "You'll get a saltine solution. You need fluids in your body. You lost a lot of blood. I might add a blood transfusion to it."

I let the words linger in the silence, "He didn't scream." I breathe out, my voice a whisper and broken.

Her forest green eyes focus me again, "He is alive now. Dr. Hastings is excellent at his job. He will take very good care of my little brother." For the first time I believe someone telling me this.

I nod, "Elias. His name is Elias Johnathan Christopher Bolton." The triplets chose the last two names, but I chose the first name.

She nods with a small smile on her lips, "Chosen by God, it fits him."

Elias Johnathan Christopher Bolton was born on the same day his father was.

Just 48 years later.

---

Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter.

Troy is coming home very soon, I promise. ;)

Please review!

In gratitude,

Nicole