Chapter 20

So, really, why is it that I always end up with the weirdest things happening to me? No, really. I'm a witch who was brought up both the muggle and the wizarding way. I met my best friends by ramming them with my trolley in Kings Cross. My first date ended in a literal explosion. My family is, well, odd to say the least, by both muggle and wizarding standards. One of my best friends likes, probably loves my brother, and my other best friend might be a really powerful Seer.

I'm telling you, there is something going on with my life. It's got to have some crazy ending to it, just so that I can justify the crazy beginning. Honestly.

The next day after classes I grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her to Professor Trelawny, the new divination Professor. She hadn't been announced at the start of year feast because she hadn't been one of our Professor's yet. She had been hired at the end of September to cover for the old Divination Professor who was going to be away on maternity leave for the next few months. I am the only one in our little group of friends who takes divination, mainly because I wanted a class where I could goof off and do nothing in. I mean, don't get me wrong, I take it seriously, just not too seriously, especially with that giant beetle Professor Trelawny teaching class.

When we reached the top of the tower I climbed to the top of the sliver ladder and knocked on the door in the ceiling.

"Come in Becca." Professor Trelawny called. Yeah, she's a Seer all right, a genuine phony Seer. There's a whole in the floor behind her desk where she can see who is coming.

"Come on Lily." I dragged her up the ladder with me and when we had stood up and closed the door behind us, I turned to the bug eyed, bushy haired, extremely eccentric Professor Trelawny. "Professor, I was just wondering if Lily and I could use a deck of your tarot cards, or maybe one of your crystal balls. Perhaps some tea would be nice as well. I'm trying to get her to believe that divination really is a real subject by making her try it herself."

"Of course dear, I already have a pot of hot water boiling in anticipation of your arrival." she swept over to a cabinet and brought three cups and saucers over to a table by the window. The tea pot whistled and began floating over to the table, pouring hot water on top of the tea leaves in the cups. "Now, dears, would you like me to read your tea leaves?"

"No, no, I want Lily to try it. She's a bit of a skeptic, but I think that if she tried, she might be good at reading the tea leaves and such." Becca said, winking at Lily.

"I see... Well, I've got a copy of the book here if you would like to refer to it." she handed Lily a copy of 'Decoding the Future' by Phillis Phuturis; our text book from third year. It held beginner information only, the simplest of deciphering for the images found in the tea leaves, the crystal ball, and all manner of other fortune telling devices. "I must go and tend to some teacher related matters that are about to occur in the teachers lounge. Feel free to help yourself to anything you need, but do try and put away what you get out." imagine that. Teacher related matters occurring in the teacher lounge? Who'd a thunk it?

We watched Trelawny descend the silver ladder into the great unknown. That is, into the hallway below. When she had disappeared, the door closed behind her, Lily turned to me and said "Okay, what's going on?"

"Remember when I said there was one way to tell if you truly had what Trelawny refers to as 'the gift'? Well, this is it. You're going to look at my tea leaves and decipher what they mean, then your going to write it down in this notebook. You're not going to tell me what it is that you think will happen, because that might influence my decisions in some way. After we do the tea leaves we're going to do the same with the crystal ball, the tarot cards, and a palm reading. I'll do yours all first of course to give you an idea of how it works."

"Hmm... I guess..." Lily looked apprehensive, but that was to be expected with her coming from a muggle family. Predictions and divinations were considered 'poppy-cock' by muggles usually, and not many wizards hold a lot of stock in it either these days.

We finished our tea and I took her cup from her, stirring three times counter clock-wise, twice clockwise, then letting the leaves settle. "A dark cloud... a funny looking deer... a big dog... A flower... Another dog... Maybe a wolf... There's a strange little squiggle in there... A ripple of sorts... Hmmm..." I surveyed the mug a bit longer. "a dagger... Pointed at the animals... There's something else there as well..." I leaned in closer to the cup, but it slipped in my hand, falling to the floor and shattering. "oops... That's bad."

"Not to worry. Repairo." Lily flicked her wand at the glass and it repaired it's self and sprang back onto the table.

"No, not that." I said, waving away her comment. "I was talking about the things I saw. Curious... You see, the animals all have different meanings; the dog can be loyalty, protection, guidance; the wolf is independence, loyalty, success, perseverance, stability, intuition; the stag is pride, independence, purification. The flower looked like a lily, the lily usually represents wealth, pride, maiden charms, purity, happiness, and majesty. The dagger most commonly represents fighting and trickery, and by trickery I mean betrayal of sorts. The dark cloud is foreboding, something bad on the horizon as it were. The ripples, they're a disruption, a distraction or an interruption from the norm. Now when I put this all together, it's a little confusing. I think the animals and the flower represent people, they're kind of gathered together. The lily is probably you, since not only is it your name, but if I interpret the meaning to be 'maiden charms' then it could be speaking of your ability to charm men, or your ability in Charms." Lily gave an apprehensive snort at the 'ability to charm men' bit. "well, you have James wrapped around your little finger and you didn't do anything to make him come to you, he just did. You have several other admirers too, they're just not as public as he is."

"I do not."

"Do too. I'll point them out to you at dinner later." I gave her a wink. "Now, the animals I'm not so sure about, we'll figure them out eventually I suppose. The dark clouds I think mean that something bad is going to happen soon to the people, a bit morbid really. Of course, it could just mean you're going to get a bad grade on a test, or that you're going to trip and fall flat on your face, or it could mean something worse, no way to tell really. Then there's the dagger, that added to the dark cloud I think could mean that the bad thing that is going to happen will have to do with betrayal of some sort. I think the people being betrayed will be the people who are represented by the animals, as well as the flower, or you. The person betraying them, well, I don't know who that is, I dropped the cup before I could see what animal it was exactly, but it had whiskers and a long tail." I finished, looking frustrated at the now empty and repaired tea cup on the table.

"Interesting... A little depressing, but interesting... Now it's my turn to read yours... This could take a bit, I'll have to look up the meanings and such..." Lily took my cup and stirred it the same way I had. Then she surveyed the cup, writing down things every now and then, occasionally screwing up her face in concentration. When she was finished she began searching through the book Trelawny had given us and writing down things here and there. "Okay, finished." she declared after a good twenty minutes.

"Dang, you're thorough. Now let's move onto the crystal." I pulled a round clear ball made of pure quartz from a shelf and settled it in one of the brackets then placed it on the table. "Now what you do is you gaze into it and see what you can see in it. A lot of times this is the hardest tool to get results from because either it shows you something or it doesn't, sometimes it just gets all foggy and stays that way, other times it'll get foggy, then images will appear in the fog, and occasionally the fog clears in certain areas allowing the Diviner to see a blatant image. Let me try it first. I see..." I paused for a moment. The crystal clouded over, the fake mist inside of it swirling and turning, revealing nothing, and then... "a bird... An eagle I think... Flying around a small room... Landing on some antlers... Huh... And a wolf... And there's a big black thing there too in the shadows... And a little brown rat too... Ew, rats gross me out... And let's see... A girl with red hair... She's changing... Transforming... Into a... Of darn, I've lost it!" I rarely get anything out of crystal balls, so I wasn't too surprised when my 'spiritual connection' with it was lost and the fog dissipated into nothingness. "Well... That was an odd one... The girl looked a bit like Rebby though... And she was transforming... Maybe it had something to do with her animagi form?" I've never been very good with crystal balls, they just don't like me or something. "Now it's your turn."

Lily did much the same as she had done with the tea leaves, only it took less time and involved less note taking. When she was finished I pulled out a deck of tarot cards. "Now, we're not going to do these just yet, they're a little more complicated. I'll dig out my basic notes on which cards mean what and give them to you later. Reading the tarot cards tends to take a bit more knowledge of the cards before the reading can be precise, so once you memorize what each card means in general, and the more common combination meaning, you can have a go at them."

"Alright then." Lily said, standing from her chair and waving her wand at the teacups. They sprang into action, cleaning themselves and jumping onto their shelf along with their corresponding saucers. I placed the container of tea leaves in it's rightful spot and gently moved the crystal and it's bracket to it's place on a shelf. "Now, shall we head to dinner?"

We took a short cut to dinner, arriving a few minutes late and sitting with the usual suspects, the marauders and the girls from our dorm. A few asked where we had been, I kicked Lily in the shin as she said we had been in Trelawny's room and finished her sentence with an explanation that I had needed a bit of help with one of her assignments. I didn't want anyone knowing what we had been up to, it might change the way they acted and change something that Lily had predicted in the little notebook I had given her. I gave her a pointed look when she glared at me for kicking her shin and she got the picture.

I took the time to do as I had told her I would earlier and point out at least 10 guys who fancied her. This all appeared to be a shock to her and Rebby and I laughed as she looked at us with wide eyes and high eyebrows, he mouth slightly agape. James found it quite annoying that we were pointing out all of her other boyfriend options and grumbled at us for a while. Remus rolled his eyes at least twenty times and Sirius just sort of laughed the entire time about how completely blind Lily was when it came to guys.

Sirius. Yeah... No opinion on that subject as of yet. I'm giving him some time to see how things work out now that he's claimed his love for me. I know the fact that I haven't said it back is bothering him, every time he looks at me he starts out smiling happily, then the happiness changes and he's smiling happily with sad eyes. If that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't. I just kept pretending I didn't see it, pretending to be completely ignorant to any of it. After a good forty-five minutes of this happening he seemed to get overly annoyed by it and, with a heavy sigh and a confused and irritated look in my direction, stood up and walked off, claiming to have homework to do. Yeah right, like Sirius ever does any homework?

I got up to go and talk to him. I suppose I should clear the air, tell him what's going on with me. I mean, I have been acting oddly towards him recently and I guess he deserves to know why. I walked in the direction of the Gryffindor Tower, taking the long way in an effort to delay talking to him a little bit longer.

I was completely lost in thought while walking. Thinking about everything that was going on in my life, all the weirdness and the coolness and the annoyingness and the funness. Yes, I do enjoy adding 'ness' to the end of words, get over it.

In the middle of my contemplation of the possible dating of Rebby and Caleb, a thought that fits in the 'weirdness' column, I heard voices ahead of me in the hallway. A man and a woman. I couldn't see them because I was around the corner of one of the halls down from them a few feet and I didn't dare stick my head out to see who it was and what they were doing, but I could hear them. The woman seemed to be pressuring the man about something and the man was replying in an irritated voice.

"Come on, just one little kiss? She'll never find out and even if she does, it isn't as if you really care about her, now is it?" the woman was saying.

"No, not right now, I'm busy. Besides, who're you to say I don't really like her? It's not like you're an expert on me or anything."

"Well, you see, that's where you're wrong. I know a lot about you. I know you're likes, your dislikes, your moods, and a lot more stuff. I have it all written down in my diary actually, you want to come and see it?"

Ah, a lovers quarrel. Interesting. Too bad I'm not the gossiping type. Well, I'll tell Lily and Rebby of course, they're my best friends, but they aren't the gossiping type either, so that doesn't count. If only I knew who it was.

"Listen, if you know me so well, then you know you're bothering me right now, come back when I actually care." the man said, then he said something else that I couldn't quite hear.

"Well, fine, but I know you like me. I can tell. You like me more than her too, the little witch. And I'll prove it to you."

"Yeah? And how exactly are you going to do that?" the man asked loudly.

Wait a second, I know that voice...

"Like this." the girl said. I looked around the corner just in time to see a slender girl with shoulder length thick black hair with red highlights reach up and kiss Sirius square on the mouth.

"Oh my god." I said before I could stop myself.

The two broke apart, Sirius looking startled and the girl looking way too pleased with herself. 'That little bitch. How could she... And she's a Gryffindor too!' I thought, noticing the emblem on her cloak. A blind rage stole over me and all of the common sense and Zen training from the summer left me. I walked straight up to her, my face set in killer glare mode. You know which glare I'm talking about; the one where you can burn holes in 4 inch sheets of steel. I stopped about half a foot from her, my glaring eyes locking with hers in a glaring competition of sorts, the winner of which got, well, I don't know, but it was a major victory if you won. After a couple minutes of glaring I decided I didn't want to just stare at her angrily, I wanted to really hurt her. I really, really wanted to hurt her. This prompted me to pull back my right arm and let loose a slap that could have made a grown man cry. The girl fell back against the wall in shock and pain and by the time she had re-composed herself and managed to choke out the words "You bitch!" I was no longer angry, I was full on totally and completely pissed. Her words threw me right over the edge of sanity into the nice dark, deep abyss of insanity. I dove at her, trying to hit, kick, scratch and in general pulverize every inch of her body. Sadly I was held back by a strong pair of arms.

"Becca! Stop! Don't!" Sirius yelled, while trying to subdue my flailing limbs and keep me from completely destroying the girl. "Becca! BECCA! STOP IT!" He roared. Then I accidentally swung an arm back and elbowed him in the face. My elbow connected with his nose, a loud snap ensuing. Oops. Well, not really. Sirius let me go and grabbed his nose, which was now gushing blood.

Instead of running at the girl to pummel her, I turned to Sirius, my eyes filling with tears I didn't want to shed. "How could you? How could you just let her kiss you? And you didn't even try to push her away. And now you're protecting her from me? What's the matter with you? You said you loved me, I guess that was just a lie." No longer able to keep the tears from falling, I ran blindly down the hall taking the first short cut I could find. Vaguely, behind me, I heard Sirius yell out my name.

"Becca! Come back! Wait a minute!" but I didn't care. I ran and ran until I reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

She looked at me pityingly and asked "anything the matter dear?" I yelled the password at her and ran inside, not bothering to answer. I sprinted through the commons and up the stairs before anyone inside could realize who it was and that I was crying. When I entered my dorm I threw myself on my bed, pulled the curtains around it and shoved my face into my pillow.

I must have cried for at least a couple of hours straight before the door to the dorm opened and closed. The other girls, it sounded like Win, Rach and Mikki, walked in chattering happily. None of them heard me crying silently into my pillow and they left just as quickly as they entered.

After a while I drifted into sleep. My dreams were odd, filled with Sirius and myself doing things we'd never done. At first we were sitting on a beach in the tropics drinking frou-frou drinks. Then Sirius and I were walking around downtown Manhattan. Next the two of us were skiing in Utah. We went flying over the Great Pyramids of Egypt, walked the great wall, went hiking in New Zealand, went on walkabout in Australia, and climbed the steps of the Eiffel tower all the way to the top. The part of the dream I remembered most though when I woke up was not the trips to amazing places, places I'd always wanted to visit but never had the money or time to visit, but the scene I remembered most was the two of us snuggling together in front of the fireplace in a house I'd never scene before. That was the last thing I saw before I woke up, and when I came back to consciousness and realized that none of that could ever happen, I was heart broken all over again.

However, I am not the kind of girl who is paralyzed by anything less than true physical trauma, like a broken back or neck or whatever. Anything less than that and I'm back on my feet again in no time. That's the good thing about low expectations and self-esteem, you don't expect the perfect world so when the world ends, you're not disappointed. Don't get me wrong, the fact that S... The fact that he had been more worried about her than me upset me. I just used my brain powers and all that Zen stuff from this summer to take all that negative energy, all my pain and sadness, and turn it into something more helpful, like anger.

I was now furious at him for what he had done. Of course, I didn't let it show, that would make it too easy on him. When old girlfriends get mad and angry it means they still care, and I didn't want him to think I cared. Instead I kept the cork on my bottle anger and acted completely calm, cool and collected around him.

At breakfast the next morning I pretended nothing was wrong. I spoke normally with everyone. When Sirius arrived at the table and began to attempt an apology, I shut him down.

"Becca I'm really-"

I hold up a hand. "Stop. Save it. We're over, we're done with, we're moving on. The end."

"But Becca I-"

"I said, 'THE END'. That means the stories over. Now stop trying to apologize, eat your breakfast, and go to class. I'm going to do the same. We're not going to make a big scene out of this. You're not going to make a big scene out of this. Just eat you're breakfast and move on." I kept my voice level, my face straight and serious, there was no possible way to read anything from me other than 'not interested' and possibly 'don't push it', both messages I wanted to send.

Sirius looked hurt and disappointed. James, Remus, and Peter who had actually shown up for once and stuck around for more than 3 seconds, looked at me with dropped jaws. Apparently Sirius has never been dumped before, go figure. Win, Mikki, and Rach all looked stunned as well, they hadn't even known there was an issue. Lily and Rebby looked confused at first, but then they both adopted equally worried expressions.

"Um, Becca... We need to talk." Lily said, then she and Rebby promptly stood of and dragged me from the Great Hall by my arms, leaving the stunned people behind t the Gryffindor table.

"What?" I asked tersely. I was annoyed at both the fact that they were obviously about to question my decision and that I was going to have to explain what happened. Te fact that Sirius was still alive and pain free didn't add too much to my good mood either.

"Exactly, what are you doing? I thought you were going to talk to Sirius about it and give him a chance to move a little slower? What the hell happened to that plan?" Rebby asked. She was really angry with me too. This is odd, since she tends to be the one who just nods and agrees with me when I'm angry, she knows when to shut up and stay out of my way.

"What am I doing? Wasn't I going to talk to him? Yes I was going to talk to him, I followed him out of the Great Hall with the intention of talking to him, and what do I happen upon but some chick confessing her love to him in the hall and snogging his face off and refering to me as 'that girl' and a bitch. I, of course, promptly broke up the love fest and focused my anger on her. After exchanging a few choice words with the little home wrecking slut I was ready to beat the stuffing out of her, and what does Sirius do? He protects her from me! He held me back! I thought he said he loved me! I thought he actually cared! But no! He didn't care, because if he had cared he would have been halfway to beating the stuffing out of her before I had even gotten the chance to move! HE DOESN'T CARE AND NOW NEITHER DO I!" it's safe to say that I had slowly worked myself into a bit of a temper. What had started out as a nice, calm, rational explanation had ended as me screaming my guts out about Sirius and his stupid... stupid... stupid stupid-ness!

"Becca, calm down. How do you know he didn't want to beat the crap out of her to begin with?" Lily asked.

"I just do!" I shouted. "I'm going to class." I stomped off, walking briskly into the Great Hall, grabbing my bag from the bench where Sirius looked up at me hopefully. I gave him a cold glare and the hurt confusion returned to his eyes. Good. He deserves to feel how I felt when he took up for that bimbo. I marched to my first class, blinding shoving past people and receiving angry yells for my actions. One poor first year made the unfortunate mistake of turning a corner the same time I did. We slammed into each other, the first year hit the floor, his book bag falling to the floor beside him, and I was forced to take a step back.

"Hey watch it lady!" he said to me, picking himself up from the ground and his book bag as well. At his full height he reached my shoulder on a good day.

"Why don't you watch it kid? Try some manners on for size once in a while too, ya punk. I ought to beat the crap out of you, you know that?" I replied, anger seeping from my very pores.

"W-why? I didn't mean to be rude, you j-just came out of no where a-and I wasn't expecting y-you..." he trailed off and gulped in fear, realizing that not only was I much bigger than him and much older than him, I was also much angrier than him.

"Yeah, well, try not being rude next time ya munchkin." I said, shoving past him and continuing around the corner and down the corridor, finally reaching the Defense class room. I threw my things on a desk at the front and threw myself into the seat, pulling out a book and shoving my nose in it before someone could ask me a question and get their eyes gouged out in response.

About ten minutes later people began to file into the class room, most staying as far away from me as possible, eyeing me warily and speaking in hushed tones behind their hands. I guess news travels fast. Of course, the fact that I had an angry aura that resembled an erupting volcano, they may have just sensed the fact that I was in a bad mood. Lily and Rebby walked in and pointedly sat on either side of me and began talking to one another, trying to force me into a conversation with them. I ignored them and continued to read my book. A few minutes later Win and Mikki came in followed shortly after by Rach and the Marauders. They all sat down in t heir usual seats orbiting the desk where Lily, Rebby and I were sitting, except for Sirius who made Peter trade seats with him so that he was sitting directly behind me. I was about to turn around and tell him quite politely to move his arse to another seat before I moved it for him when Professor Emling strode into the class room confidently and asked that we put away our parchments and books and take out our wands.

"Today I am going to show you the proper form for dueling. I want everyone to pair up with the person sitting behind them and come to the front of the room." Everyone did as she said. I took one look at Sirius and walked up to Professor Emling to request a change of partners.

"Please Professor, I'd rather not be the cause of serious injury in class today. I can't work with him without hurting him severely." I said. Apparently I either hadn't pleaded my case well enough, or Professor Emling has a grudge against Sirius too, because she simply said that it was about time some of the students learned to control their emotions and shook her head sadly, completely ignoring the confused expression on my face. She waved her wand and the desks piled up on the sides of the rooms and the floor was covered in mats.

"Becca, please we need to talk about this, you can't just walk out on our relationship because of something this stupid! It's all just a big misunderstanding!"

"I can and I already have. Live with it."

"But Becca I-"

"I don't want to hear it and if you want to leave this class alive you might want to shut your big mouth long enough for me to forget who it is I'm dueling today." I glared at him angrily. So much for the 'cool, calm, and collected' approach. Durn people just wouldn't stop badgering me now would they?

"Fine." Sirius sighed.

"Alright. Everyone pair off and stand to the side of the mats. I assume you all know the proper dueling form and everything, what you are going to do today in class is practice an actual duel. You are to treat your partner as a real opponent. You are only to hold back by keeping your curses and hexes light enough that they don't maim, kill, or otherwise severely injure your dueling partner. The only curses and hexes not allowed are the ones that are made to cause pain and torture, you know what they are." Professor Emling eyed us all respectively, lingering slightly on me. "Now, you are to spread out on the large area of mats and begin your dueling, one at a time I am going to call a your group over here to this mat to duel in front of me so that I can observe your form and make suggestions in your tactics." she gestured to a small stretch of mats right in front of us that were separate from the rest. "Well, what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation? Hop to it already!" She clapped her hands and everyone rushed to a place on the mats, spread out, faced off, and began dueling.

Now, i really did try my best to keep my temper in check, but every time i looked at his face i saw her and him kissing. Not so easy to keep one's temper while imagining your ex-boyfriend who you're still hung up on kissing another girl who just happens to be the reason you broke up.

Confused yet? I'm not, but that could be because by the time we were 3 hexes and one charm into the duel, the blind rage from the night before was back, blinding me from anything but the need to beat the crap out of Sirius. The good news is, since i had my wand in hand already, i wasn't moved to use my fists... Yet...

I dove to my right, rolling to my feet in one smooth movement, as Sirius's jelly-legs curse hit the wall behind me. As i stood, something inside me snapped like an over stretched rubber band. The anger that i had allowed to build up inside me poured out of the bag formerly held tight by that rubber band. I threw a stunner at Sirius, missing by a hair. The mat that i hit in his place was left with a small scorch mark in it.

"Merlin, Becca, I'd like to stay in one peice today, thanks." Sirius said.

"Then stop talking and start dueling." I growled throwing another stunner at him, this one stronger than the last.

Sirius ducked and the stunner went over his head, leaving a small bald spot in his formerly perfect hair. "Christ! Becca!" I threw another spell at him, this time a body binder. It missed his arm by a hair and hit the mat a centimeter from Remus's foot. "Rebecca! Stop! Please!"

"Be a man and make me you git." i growled at him.

"Damn, she's mad." I heard Rach say to Remus.

"Yeah, and my toes nearly paid for Sirius's mistake." Remus said, examining his foot to make sure he still had all of his toes in one piece.

"Rebecca! Don't make me use your full name!" Sirius threatened.

"I don't give a bloody hell about my full name!" I growled. I seem to do a lot of growling when I'm mad.

"Anabell Elizabeth Rebecca Burns! I'm warning you! Stop!" Sirius yelled to me. "Ahh!" Sirius yelped and fell to the ground. One of my stunners had finally hit him and he now had a nice quarter sized burn on his right thigh. The thought 'That felt good.' crossed my mind as i sent another stunner at him followed quickly by an 'impedamenta'.

The people around us had stopped dueling to watch me attempt to kill Sirius using non-lethal spells. He wasn't even fighting back now, he was just trying to run away from me, a task at which he was failing. Sirius isn't the 'cut and run' type normally. He doesn't do defense, he's an offense kind of guy. Which is why when he stopped trying to attack and started trying to run away, he got hit by two more of my curses on his back, one on his calf, two on his arm, and one more on his shoulder and inch from his neck.

"Patrificus totalis!" a spell shot past my head and bounced off the wall behind me. That didn't come from Sirius. That came from behind me. I whipped around to see who exactly had tried to petrify me.

"Rebby?" i gave her a questioning look.

"Calm down Becs, take a deep breath and calm down. Remember all that 'Zen' crap you've been talking about all year?" Rebby walked up to me, keep her eyes locked with mine. It was as if her gaze alone was keeping me from freaking out again and going after Sirius. Rebby was next to me now, leading me from the room. "Come on, let's go, off to the dorms. Lily's getting permission and explaining it to Professor Emling."

When we were halfway down the hall i stopped. A bone chilling, body racking shiver coursed through me. i squatted down to the floor, circling my legs with my arms and resting my head to my knees. Why had io done that? How could i have lost my temper so completely?

What the hell is wrong with me?