Hey, public enemy no.1 here. How are you all? (hopefully still alive)
I'm not sure how to even begin discussing the last chapter, so all I'm going to say is err...wow. The response was absolutely incredible and I can't thank you all enough. I know it was shocking and I know a lot of you were upset about it, but I'm still going to thank you. The fact that so many of you cried meant that you've come to really care for these characters, and that's an amazing thing. I know we all have our attachments to the characters because of the books, but for you to know this isn't canon and still have such strong feelings about it means that there was a point to me spending all this time writing and creating this story. You may hate me for it, but I'll just love you guys even more. You don't get a say in the matter.
Here's the aftermath.
Disclaimer: I do not own TMI, TID or any of their characters. Also I don't own Nicolas Cage, but I do own a Nicolas Cage mask. It's fabulous.
A Tale Of Two…
21. Declarations
14th February – Valentine's Day [Part Two]
Tessa watched the droplets of water rolling off of her, as if with each one everything she'd known herself to be was slipping away. The shower steamed around her, the screen hiding the rest of the world so that she was alone, utterly alone, trapped in the cubicle as she was in her own mind.
She felt dirty.
No matter how long she left the water running, it never seemed like enough. She would never been clean enough again. She'd stripped the sheets from her bed, taken everything she'd been wearing and then watched them swirl around the washing machine, as if that might be able to clean them too. But there was no way of washing pain.
She couldn't just take all of the anger and shame and guilt that was bubbling inside of her and make it go away. It was everywhere. In every breath that she took, in every tear escaping her eyes, she could feel him.
Will.
She could feel his hands on her; his lips hot against her skin, the silk of his raven hair brushing her cheek. And more than that, she could remember how much she'd loved it. Craved it. Never wanted him to stop touching her. He'd filled her with such burning desire that she'd been consumed entirely, nothing left but ashes and the embers within her that were slowly fading to dark.
How could he have destroyed her so completely?
How could this one man have given her so much and then taken everything away so soon after?
She wanted to believe none of it was true. She wanted to forget the steel in those deep blue eyes as he'd said the words that would break her and the turn of his lips, as if the anguish he was causing her gave him pleasure. From the moment he'd seen the bouquet in Jem's hands and his face had donned that cold, expressionless mask, she'd known something awful was going to happen. While Jem was calm and docile, Will had always been tempestuous and that blank look had scared her more than anything.
So when he ran, Tessa followed. That had been her biggest mistake.
She was so blinded by her own fear of losing him that she hadn't considered why he'd chosen to leave. She'd assumed it was because of Jem and Will had almost confirmed that at first. He wanted her to make amends with him and so he'd misguidedly chosen to martyr himself, as if by removing himself from the picture, she'd automatically be with Jem.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
But the one thing she hadn't seen coming was what he'd said afterwards: he was with Jessamine.
As much as the tried to break down the situation and reason her way through it, she couldn't deny that it made sense. There were so many times when Will had done things that had surprised her; things that there was no way he could have known to do without help. For one, he always seemed to know whenever her shifts were. That day when he'd showed up at her campus and taken her to Camden Market, he'd said that he'd have her back to the bookstore by three. She'd been so preoccupied by the general circumstances that at the time, she hadn't fully considered how he might know that. Even yesterday, she should have known that it was more than a lucky guess that he'd know where to find to find her in the library. Her library was massive. Though she knew it almost inside out by now, even she had a hard time locating her own friends sometimes and often had to text Sophie to find out where exactly she was. For him to have just turned up with two cups of coffee should have been suspicious in itself, let alone the fact that Jessamine had left her only minutes before.
Her library card was still laying in the hallway. Tessa hadn't touched it since it had dropped out of her hand.
And then there was Jessamine herself. She'd been so unusually quiet this past month, at least, up until the last week or so. Normally she would rattle through her list of prospective lovers every shift and bore Tessa to the extent that she'd learned to zone her out. Of course, this had ultimately been her downfall. Tessa was so used to passing off any of Jessamine's dalliances as shallow and fleeting that she hadn't been paying attention. Will was right. Jessamine had tried to tell her. She'd tried many times but Tessa simply hadn't listened.
But she couldn't blame her friend.
No matter how much it pained her to think of Jessamine with Will, she knew the blame lied with no one but Will himself. Jessamine couldn't have known Tessa's feelings towards him. No one knew how much she'd come to care for Will and she'd even been lying to herself for so long. How could she have expected anyone to accept that Will was hers when she hadn't even accepted it herself? He didn't belong to her. He never had. Will had said that he hadn't known either and perhaps he hadn't, but he'd definitely found out last night. When she'd consented to being with him and showed him what she felt, she'd told him loud and clear. And he'd still chosen to keep quiet.
He'd chosen to sleep with her, knowing full well that he was with Jessamine, and the realisation of what that implied hurt Tessa more than almost anything else.
Will had cheated, but it wasn't on Tessa. It was with her.
The two of them had cheated on Jessamine and the shame of that was too much to bear. How could she face her friend again, knowing what the two of them had done last night? Will may have claimed it was an open relationship and perhaps that absolved him in his own eyes, but it brought no comfort to Tessa. This was all her fault. She'd let her guard down; she'd broken the rules she'd lived by for so long; she'd been weak and stupid and because of that, she'd hurt so many people.
Jessamine was a given, but what of Jem? He'd come all this way – for a purpose she still hadn't bothered to find out – and found her with someone else. She supposed he must have left by now. There was no reason for him to stick around for the hours it had taken her to pick herself up off the floor and begin her systematic cleansing.
And then there was Clary.
Tessa wished her best friend had never seen any of what had happened this morning. She knew that if she were in her place, it wouldn't have been easy for her to watch Clary being torn apart like that. Of course, there was also the matter of her pact breaking, which had no doubt become very obvious throughout the ordeal. A month ago, she'd promised Clary that she would stay single and spend Valentine's Day with her instead. They wanted to avoid all of the heartbreak that usually came with consorting with the opposite sex and if Tessa had stood by her promise, she was sure none of this would have happened. Her betrayal of Clary was just one more mark of shame that she would bear and that was why she'd refused to let anyone into the flat. Clary had knocked on the door ceaselessly and she could hear Jem's voice in the beginning too, but she wouldn't pick herself up. Tessa just lay in the corridor, her knees clutched to her chest as the sobs racked through her pitiful frame until eventually, everyone gave up.
That was good, she thought. That was right. She didn't deserve their sympathy. She'd brought this all upon herself.
"All my fault," she whispered to herself, the water running cold now. Her boiler had probably broken down again, but Tessa didn't bother stepping out. She welcomed the freezing waves tumbling down her back, wondering if they would smother the rest of the fire left within her. She didn't want the anger anymore. She didn't want anything that reminded her of the way she'd been with him.
Tessa wanted to feel nothing at all.
Just like she deserved.
-o-O-o-
"Clary, stop pacing," Jace told her, moving to stand in her way. Clary pushed him aside and continued traversing the boys' living room.
"What else do you expect me to do?" She cried, throwing her hands up. "Tessa's been up there for hours and she still won't let me in. She shouldn't be alone right now. I should be with her."
"I'm sure she's handling it in whichever way she thinks is best. She'll see you when she's ready." He sat beside Jonathan on the sofa, both of their expressions wary. They probably suspected Clary would explode at some point and they were right. She'd been quiet all this time, trying to process what she'd witnessed out in the driveway, but she could sense a break coming. Now that Magnus had taken Jem downstairs and only Jace and Jonathan would be there to bear the force of any potential outbursts, she didn't feel the need to hold back anymore. Those two could take whatever she had to throw at them.
"But she shouldn't have to be handling it at all. This is all your fault. Both of you."
"Both of us?" Jonathan raised his eyebrows. "What have I got to do with any of this?"
"You're the one who found this place. You're the one who decided to move here and you're the one who signed the contract. It's your fault that that two-timing bastard was allowed to live next to us, when he shouldn't ever have been allowed within even a mile of Tessa."
"Okay." Jonathan looked down, wisely choosing not to dispute that point. She needed to scream at someone, anyone, and he understood that.
"And you." She glared at Jace. "Your part in this is pretty self-explanatory."
"I share his blood, yes," he mumbled. "I get it. I'm tainted."
"It's more than that, Herondale! You lied to me."
"I did not lie to you," he said, his head snapping up. "I will take full responsibility for the fact that Will was here in the first place – okay, well, partial responsibility – but I never lied to you. You asked me if he was using Tessa and I told you he wasn't."
"But he was using Tessa! Jace, he slept with her!"
"How was I meant to know he'd do that?" Jace stood back up, crossing his arms over his chest. "I had no idea what was going on between the two of them."
"Didn't you? He's your brother, Jace. How could you not have known he was planning this?"
"Yes, he's my brother, but that doesn't mean anything. We're not like you girls. We don't sit down and have long, in-depth chats about our feelings. He mentioned Tessa a couple of times and I would laugh at how much she was frustrating him and that was the end of it. Clary, I never lied to you." He stepped forward and tried to take her hands. Clary resisted at first but then let him. It was probably safer for him to limit her movements or someone was going to end up with a fist in their face. That someone should have been Will, but since he wasn't here there was no telling what she might do. "When I told you that I thought Tessa hated him, I truly believed that. A lot of people hate Will. It's not too much of a stretch to assume that after all the shit he'd pulled with her that she'd hate him too. It was only when she agreed to help plan his birthday party that I realised he'd probably exaggerated, but that didn't mean she automatically liked him either. At least, not like that. If I had known what he was going to do, I would have said something."
"But you knew about Jessamine, didn't you? Why didn't you say something about her?" At first, Clary had assumed that Will was making that part up, but then she remembered the conversation she'd had with Cecily over the phone. Cecily had asked if Will's girlfriend 'Jess' would be attending their family dinner, and Clary had foolishly assumed she'd meant 'Tess' and was therefore talking about Tessa. But Cecily must not have made a mistake at all. Jessamine also qualified as 'the girl from the bookstore.' Jessamine was Will's girlfriend. "You got so defensive when Cecily mentioned her and you tried to take the phone off of me. Why would you do that if there was nothing to hide?"
"Because I told you then and I'll tell you now – it's complicated. Yes, I knew that Will was going out with Jessamine, but I didn't know much outside of that. Will's got a lot of secrets but not all of them are his own. There were some things he wanted to tell me from the very beginning, but he said it wasn't his place. Whatever was going on between him and Jessamine went beyond the trust fund. He deliberately kept me in the dark."
"Okay, fine, but you could have at least told me he was with someone. I could have warned Tessa and then none of this would have happened."
"Maybe I should have done," he conceded. "But like I said, I didn't think it was important. I didn't tell you because you were already upset about your own part in the trust fund dealing, so I figured that if you thought another girl was involved too, it would just make things worse. Plus, we've already established that I had no idea Tessa would even care. Will's business was his own."
"I suspected…" Clary whispered, taking a deep breath. "I suspected Tessa had feelings for Will. I was planning to tell her about the trust fund last night so she could distance herself before she got hurt, but I was too late. Maybe if I hadn't gotten locked out…"
"Don't you dare blame yourself for this." He squeezed her hands and Clary held back a sob. This had been such a stressful morning. The first part had at least ended well with the three of them finally moving past their argument, but she never could have predicted that it was about to go so downhill so fast. It had been the running that had alerted them. She was pouring herself a cup of tea when she heard the stampede of footsteps barrelling down the stairs, followed by Tessa's frantic yelling, and the three of them had gone outside without a second thought. A part of her wished she hadn't now. "They're both adults. They were perfectly able to make their own decisions."
"Tessa would never have made that decision. She thinks everything through, Jace. If she'd had even an inkling that something was up, she wouldn't have gone through with it. I should have been there for her. I should have protected her."
"Clary, no. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself." He pulled her over to the sofa and sat her down while Jonathan scooted to the edge to give them more space. "This is entirely down to my idiot brother. He messed everything up."
"You guys have an awful habit of doing that." Clary ran her hands over her eyes, sighing.
"I know and I'm sorry."
"And there was me thinking I'd gotten the bad Herondale."
Jace loosed a laugh, gazing up at the ceiling. "Only Will could make me look like an angel."
"I wouldn't go that far," Jonathan said, rolling his eyes. "You're both pretty rotten."
"Thanks, man."
"You're all pretty rotten," Clary interceded. "But I managed to look past that. I just wish Will could have been redeemable, for Tessa's sake."
"You say that like he's not."
"That's because he isn't. He took her virginity, Jace. You have no idea how much that would have meant to someone like her. She must have truly trusted Will to let down her guard for him like that and what did he do in return? He ripped her heart out. Whatever happened between them must have meant everything to Tessa, but it was nothing but a fling for him; a little late-night entertainment at the expense of my best friend's dignity. What he did was unforgiveable." Clary felt the tears teasing at her eyes again as she imagined Tessa's pain.
What Jace and Jonathan had done to her was upsetting, but Clary had come back from it. She'd found out what the two of them were up to before she'd made that final step with Jace. Though it had hurt at the time, Clary realised now that she had been lucky.
Tessa, however, had not been so fortunate.
Will had broken her in the worst way possible. He'd bound her to him forever, promising nothing in his memory but heartache. Tessa would always remember her first time and she'd always remember what had happened afterwards.
How could anyone come back from that?
"Well," Jonathan said, getting up. "As much as I'd love to waste my life away on this sofa with you two, I've got some business to take care of."
"What sort of business?" Clary's eyes flickered towards her brother.
"The tattoo sort. We've got the money back now, haven't we?"
"Yep," Jace affirmed. "Cecily texted me an hour ago and asked if Will had told me the good news. It's back."
"Good. Obviously Camille's place is out of the question, but we can afford to be more picky now. I'll follow up on the shop Hayley suggested to me back in Bristol and see if that's still available."
"Kaelie, Jon. It's Kaelie."
"Right, yeah. That one." He dug his phone out of his pocket. "Do you reckon forgetting to call her back for a whole month will be a problem?"
"Nah," Jace shook his head, grinning. "Kaelie was always easier to deal with than Seelie. She'll be game."
"Let's hope so." Jonathan headed out of the room, the mobile half way to his ear.
Clary turned to Jace, her eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, so you guys are staying?"
"I don't see why not," he shrugged. "Our main reason for moving out was that we couldn't afford living in London anymore. The new zeros at the end of my bank balance solve that little problem."
She blinked a couple of times, trying to process this new information.
"But what about university? I thought you were going to go back for that anyway."
"We were, but if this thing with the tattoo parlour works out then we can delay it for a few years. If not, we'll see if there's some way we can complete our courses in London. I know my grandmother has some sway with the dean of admissions at your place, so now that I'm finally back in her good books maybe she'll put in a good word for me."
"You're going to go to my university?"
"If I can," he said, his eyes narrowing. "Is that going to be a problem?"
"I…I guess not." Clary looked away. Would it be a problem? She'd forgiven Jace this morning because she'd thought he was leaving and didn't want things to end badly between them. But if he wasn't going anywhere at all, did that change things? This was so much bigger than the two of them now.
"You're still upset with me. That's it, isn't it?"
"No," she said, shaking her head. "No. I'm over what happened between us, but this is so much more complicated now. With what's happened with Will and Tessa, I'm not sure things will be able to go back to the way they used to be. She has to be my priority right now. If a clean break is what she needs from the three of you, I'll have to respect that."
"Do you want me to speak to her? I completely understand if she hates Will after what he did, but she should know that I'm not him. I don't make the same mistake twice. I'd never hurt you, Clary. Not again." His expression was completely earnest as he held her gaze and as always, she felt her control slipping. What was holding her back?
"I'm sure she didn't think Will could hurt her either." That was it. That's what was holding her back. "I want to trust you, Jace. God, I wish I could trust you. But after everything that's happened, I'm not sure if I can."
"You can," Jace said, taking her hands again. "I know it'll take some time and that's fine. I deserve for you to keep me waiting for even longer than you'd need me to, but please don't write me off just yet. You can trust me, I swear."
"Jace…"
"Clary, I love you."
She wasn't sure what she was about to say next, but those four words displaced every thought she'd ever had. Clary's mouth fell open and her eyes widened.
"What did you say?"
"I…" Jace gulped, his face paling. It seemed like the declaration had come as just as much of a surprise to him as it had to her. "I love you."
"Jace, no." She closed her eyes and pulled away from him. Her heart was hammering in her chest.
"It's the truth," he insisted, his tone firmer now. "I'm not just saying it so you'll stay with me. I'm in love with you, Clary. I know it sounds crazy and I know it's probably the last thing you need to hear right now, but I made the mistake of not telling you before and I thought I'd lost you forever. Maybe I'm still going to lose you, but that's okay. I just needed to tell you. At least once."
"Before?" Clary looked at him, her throat dry. "What do you mean before?"
"When we had the argument."
"That long?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Yeah," he said, nodding once. "That was when I knew for sure, but it's probably been longer than that. You're going to think I'm insane, but I think I loved you from the very first day you knocked on my door and asked me if I knew about electricity. You were standing there in those holey pyjamas of yours, with your hair all tangled and wild and you were trying so hard to act like you knew what you were talking about, so I played along." The hint of smile pulled at his lips. "I lied to you about how the fuse box was on the ground and you looked so confused and then when you found out where it really was…man. The look on your face was priceless. And then I turned up to your art class the next day and found you there, dreaming of me, and I knew I was a goner. There was something about you. I couldn't stay away from you, no matter how much I convinced myself that it was about the money. It stopped being about the money so early on that I can't even remember when I started caring for you more. You crept up on me, Clary. I didn't stand a chance. In the past month, there hasn't been one moment where I've stopped thinking about you. I love you."
It took Clary a while to find her voice.
"I wasn't dreaming of you," she said, the memory coming back to her. "I was dreaming of the equator."
"Desert regions don't exist on the equator."
"They don't?"
"Nope, not usually. The atmospheric pressure is too low."
"Oh." She bit her lip. "How do you even know these things?"
"I know everything," he said, shrugging. "That and Sebastian - our tattooist - was a Geography student."
"It's probably less embarrassing to admit I actually was dreaming of you, then."
"Probably." Jace was still regarding her carefully, so she allowed a small smile. "I could see it in your face anyway."
"What could you see in my face?"
"Unbridled lust."
"Shut up," she said, nudging him. "I did not look like that."
"You really did," he smirked. "It's okay. It didn't scare me off."
"Apparently not." Clary sighed, brushing her thumb over his hand. "What am I going to do with you now?"
Jace loved her.
After everything that had happened, he loved her. She knew he wasn't trying to win her over by saying that, that he really did just want to be honest, but she couldn't deny that the power of his words had an effect on her. Those three simple words were able to do what over a week's worth of pining had failed to. They healed her.
"Whatever you like," he said, his voice soft. "I'm not going to stop loving you."
"You really are as stubborn as me, aren't you?"
"You bet I am." His golden eyes were brighter than she'd ever seen them before and she could tell why. They held hope. Hope and conviction and there it was, clear as day – love.
"Get over here," she said and held her hands out. Jace took her in his arms, clutching her to his chest as his chin came to rest atop her head. He buried his face in her hair and she sighed against his shoulder, melting into the embrace. He was warm and soft and strong and comforting all at the same time. He was Jace and she was Clary, and this was exactly where the two of them belonged. She just couldn't believe it had taken them both so long to realise it.
This was it, Clary realised.
This was how it felt to be loved.
And this was how it felt to love in return.
-o-O-o-
It was approaching mid-afternoon by the time Tessa finally answered the door. Someone had been trying every ten minutes for the past hour and now that she was washed and dry and upholding some semblance of stability, she decided she looked strong enough to let someone in. Besides, it wasn't fair for her to keep everyone out. Hadn't Clary suffered enough? She didn't need to be locked out of her own home to add insult to injury.
When she opened the door, however, it wasn't Clary who stood on the other side. In an almost harsh imitation of this morning, Jem was standing opposite her clutching that same bouquet of flowers. She knew he hadn't meant to upset her, yet still the image almost reduced her to tears once again. But only almost. She was drained and exhausted and when she looked within herself now, she found only a strange hollowness. She wasn't sure she'd have been able to cry even if she wanted to.
"Come in," she said, her voice low and coarse. Tessa walked into the living room, each step unfeeling and mechanical, like clockwork. She sat in the armchair and waited for Jem to seat himself opposite her. She would have offered him tea – that would have been the polite thing to do – but she didn't care for being polite. Not anymore. Tessa allowed herself to care for nothing.
Jem looked distinctly uncomfortable, but he managed to hold a smile. It was a soft smile, laced with friendly concern.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have come today."
"It's alright. I'm glad you did." If Jem hadn't turned up, she suspected that none of this might have happened. Her and Will would have continued with last night's endeavours and she'd have stayed wrapped in their cocoon of bliss. But she'd have remained ignorant, for that was always the way with bliss. Will would likely never have told her about Jessamine and so with each passing minute, she would have continued to betray her friend and her own nature to go with it. It was a cruel twist of fate, but Jem's arrival had been for the best.
"I didn't mean for things to go the way that they did."
"Of course you didn't. It wasn't your fault."
"But it was," he said, the guilt plain in those silver-grey eyes. "If only I'd been quicker to explain the reason for my visit, then Will would never have walked out like that."
"Jem, really, it's okay. It's good that he walked out when he did. I'm not sure if I would have been able to handle it further down the line."
"You don't seem like you're exactly handling it now."
"Why did you come, Jem?" She snapped, more ice in her voice than she'd meant for there to be. She was strong. She was fine. Why couldn't Jem see that?
"Here," he said, unperturbed by her tone. Jem removed a piece of card that was attached to the bouquet and handed it to Tessa. "Read this."
She watched him warily, then looked down at the card. The front was plain save for a heart in the corner, but there was writing scrawled across the back. The script was far too clumsy to be Jem's.
'Tessa,' it read. 'I've heard so much about you and I wish I could have handed this to you in person today, but it was not my place. Jem is very dear to me, but I'm aware that he was also once very dear to you. I'm sure he will tell you himself, but I wanted to take the opportunity to apologise on his behalf for what he did. It was unfair of him to leave you so suddenly and I hope you will find it within yourself to forgive his misgivings. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I was benefitting from the pain of another, and so I instructed him to see you today before I made my decision. Make your own carefully. I will understand whatever you choose and so will he. Yours, Cat.'
Tessa looked up, not attempting to hide her confusion. "Jem, what is this? And who is Cat?"
"Catherine Church," he said carefully, "is one of the violists in my orchestra. Depending on what you choose today, she may also be my girlfriend."
"What?" Tessa breathed, shock replacing the confusion. This was the last thing she had expected.
"Cat joined us after we'd already set out on tour. We needed another viola and she offered her services, and my, Tessa, she is magnificent. If I could play Jade even half as well as she is able to wield Yossarian – that's the name of her Viola – then I could consider myself one of the most proficient violinists in the country. Unfortunately, she wasn't always the easiest person to deal with and she wasn't above using her talent to intimidate and often alienate the other members of the orchestra, but for some reason, she was always kind to me. Perhaps it was because I was kind to her. I cannot be sure. You have to understand that I did not mean for it to happen – when I told you that I could not devote myself to anything but Jade, I truly believed that – but over the past couple of days, I began to realise that I had developed feelings for Cat. I was so consumed by guilt that I told her what I'd said to you when I left and quite rightly, she told me she couldn't be with me. At least, she said, she couldn't be with me until I had gained closure with you. Properly, this time. She said it wouldn't suffice for me to apologise and leave like I had last time. That was incredibly insensitive and I completely agree. She said that she would only consider being with me if I had your complete forgiveness and I'm glad for that. I wouldn't have deserved anything better." Jem knelt beside Tessa. "That's why I came today, Tessa. The flowers were a peace offering, not just from me, but from Catherine too. If I had any idea that they would have been misperceived, I never would have brought them. You have to believe I did not mean to cause any trouble for you."
"Give me a second," she said, holding her hand up. She had so many questions flying through her mind that she didn't know where to begin. Jem hadn't come back for her, he'd come back to ask forgiveness from her. He liked someone else.
The idea was so stunning and yet comforting at the same time, that she wasn't sure which emotion was winning out. She wasn't mad, that much was clear. The comfort was in the fact that she would not now have to hurt him. Tessa couldn't be with anyone. If she wasn't with Will, there was no one else who could possibly have any claim over her heart. She'd been terrified before that Jem had come seeking something that she could not give him – not anymore – but she was not void after all.
He wanted forgiveness, something that she'd granted him a long time ago. She'd lose nothing at all in admitting it and in the process, she'd be able to grant him the happiness that she wouldn't see again.
Tessa started laughing.
"Tessa?" Jem looked even more concerned than before. "Tessa, is everything okay?"
"No," she said, still laughing. She was aware that she probably sounded hysterical, but the situation was so hilarious. After everything that had happened today, this had come as the greatest shock. Jem had fallen in love with an orchestral girl. The very thing he'd denied leaving her for in the beginning, was what had brought him back. It wasn't quite the harem of orchestral girls that she had once envisioned, but for James Carstairs, it might as well have been. "Nothing's okay. Well, not for me, anyway. For you, everything's great."
"What do you mean?"
"You have my forgiveness, Jem. You've had it almost since the very beginning."
"I do?"
"Oh, Jem," she said, wiping at her eyes. "My poor, sweet Jem."
"Tessa, you're worrying me."
"Well, I shouldn't be." Tessa managed to compose herself. Jem didn't need to see how close she was to losing it again. She just had to hold herself together long enough for him to leave. She could do that. "I'm not yours to worry about, Jem. I forgive you. After everything that has happened today, it would give me some comfort to know that at least one of my friends was able to find joy."
"I can't find joy as long as you're still hurting," he said. "I still care about you, Tessa."
"Then go to her. Please." Tessa forced a smile. "The best thing you can do for me right now is to be with your Cat."
"How can I be with her knowing that I played a part in what happened today? How can I be happy when two of the people who mean the most to me in this world are hurting?"
"Will's not hurting," she said, struggling to keep calm. Jem needed to leave. Right now. "You saw him."
"Yes, I saw him," Jem said. "And if you assume he wasn't hurting, then perhaps you don't know him as well as you think."
"That's true enough." A bitter laugh escaped her. Apparently, she'd never known him at all.
"That's not what I meant, Tessa. I'm sure Will never intended to hurt you."
"Please, Jem, I don't want to talk about him."
"Do you know how I know?" Jem persisted. "I know he was hurting because that's what Will does. When he's hurting, he pushes people away. He'd rather everyone saw him as cruel and heartless, than know how much pain he's really in. He did it to me too, Tessa. When he found out I was moving away, we got into an argument. He told me that he'd never cared for me as a friend, and that he was just sad that I hadn't left sooner. The only difference was that he was worse at lying then, so I'd seen right through him. The tears had given him away and the truth was that he did care. In fact, he cared too much and that was why he was so upset. The way he looked at you this morning, Tessa – I recognised that look, and I'm the one who put it there. He was scared you would leave him for me."
"No." Tessa moved away from Jem, hiding her face from him. "It doesn't matter."
"Tessa, if you'd just talk to him…"
"I tried talking to him, Jem! You saw what happened when I tried talking to him. Maybe you're not entirely wrong, but you're not right either. You heard what he said about Jessamine. It doesn't matter if he was trying to push me away. None of that matters anymore. He's with her."
"I don't think it's that simple, Tessa. It doesn't sound like something Will would do."
"Her card is in the hallway. You can go and have a look at it."
"I'm not disputing that something's going on with her, but perhaps there's more to it than you think. Maybe if I spoke to him…"
"No, Jem." She turned and gripped his hand. "Please, just leave this alone. If you truly care for me, you'll leave this alone. I need to deal with this my own way. I'll approach Will in my own time."
"You will?"
"Yes. When I'm ready." Tessa was lying, but she needed Jem to believe she hadn't given up on Will. He wouldn't ever leave if she suspected how broken she really was. "Please, Jem."
Jem glanced towards the front door and she could sense her victory.
"It's Valentine's Day, Jem. Go and find Cat. Tell her you have my blessing and that I wish the both of you all the best."
"Tessa…"
"Goodbye, Jem." Tessa threw her arms around him, hiding her face before she could let anything else slip. "Come visit me again soon."
"Tessa, are you sure…"
"I'll be fine. It was great seeing you," she said, smiling again. One minute. She just had to hold herself together for one more minute. "I've missed having you around."
"Me too," he said and he smiled back. "Really, is there nothing I can do?"
Tessa thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yes. Send Clary up."
"Certainly. Goodbye, Tessa."
Tessa managed to keep smiling as Jem walked out of her life once again. She wanted him to be happy. Truly happy. He'd already seen her cry once and she wouldn't let it happen again.
In fact, she was able to stay completely still for a while after that. It was only when Clary finally walked in, that she allowed her walls to break down.
Her best friend ran straight into her arms and held her as the tears ran down her face.
"Clary…" Tessa gasped out, barely audible.
"Shh," she mumbled, rubbing circles into her back. "You don't need to say anything. I'm here now."
Clary led her to the sofa and curled up next to her, wrapping a blanket around the two of them.
"Clary, I'm sorry."
"We're not talking about it," the redhead said, a fierce determination in her expression. "You said you were going to be my Valentine, Tessa Gray. The day isn't over yet. Are you going back on your promise?"
"No…" Tessa shook her head, surprised. She'd expected Clary to lecture her or scream at her. She deserved both. "Of course not."
"Then settle yourself in. I'm going to order us a shitload of pizza and ice cream and we're going to spend the rest of the evening watching trashy films. We're not going to talk about anyone even remotely male unless it's Nicolas Cage. We'll leave that to the morning. This is our night, do you understand?"
Tessa swallowed and nodded. There was no defying Clary when she was in attack mode. There was so much she wanted to say, but even if Clary had let her, she wouldn't have known where to begin. Will, Jem, Jessamine. The lies and the revelations. She wanted to tell her how awful a friend she'd been and how she'd broken the pact, but Clary wouldn't have any of it. Not tonight.
Tonight, they would attempt to salvage what was left of the two of them.
"Good. Now pass me the phone. I'm thinking Hawaiian."
So that was intense, but it wasn't all doom and gloom. We finally get Clace again! Silver lining, eh? Clary and Tessa will be having a pretty serious talk, but that's best left for the next chapter and you can expect the biggest revelation yet. I've noticed a few of you have re-read certain chapters and picked up on some of the clues I left and that's awesome. Some of your predictions were very insightful and I'm glad people were able to cast the pitchforks aside to appreciate the chapter in itself. That really meant a lot and I'm sorry I didn't have time to reply to you all, so I'll say it again - thank you. I will warn you thought that the news that's about to break in the next chapter hasn't been hinted at at all and that was deliberate, so though some of you were on the mark with most things, this will still come as a surprise.
I'm aiming to have the last chapter up on Valentine's Day itself, so you'll get the next one within a week for sure. Just hold on a little longer. Things will finally make sense.
Thank you for sticking with me, guys. We're almost there. Phew.
Till the next time...
smim xx