and now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by Swing123 and Garfieldodie
The Realiphone
"HOOOOOOOOOBBES!" Calvin called. "GET IN HERE, IMMEDIATELY!"
Calvin had been spending the whole day in the attic.
Hobbes had been taking that as a bad sign, because almost every time he went up there, it meant he was inventing something. And every time he invented something, it meant humanity was in jeopardy.
Socrates had come over, earlier, and was visiting Hobbes. He didn't see Calvin, but that was just fine with him. Hobbes had explained how Calvin was in the attic and how every time he did that, man kind was probably doomed.
"That's great, Hobbes, hey did you see yesterday's tiger documentary on Animal Planet?" That's how excited Socrates was about the whole thing.
And now, Calvin was calling Hobbes into the attic.
Oh boy.
Hobbes and Socrates looked up from Calvin's comic books, and looked towards the attic.
"HOOOOOOOOBBES!" Calvin called, again. "IN THE ATTIC! CHOP! CHOP!"
"Wasn't that the place where the Mega-Shrinker 5000 was made?" Socrates asked.
"Yup."
"Let's sit this one out."
"Yes, let's."
They went back to the comic books.
"HOBBES!" Calvin shouted.
Hobbes and Socrates ignored the cries.
There was a slam of a door, and Calvin appeared in the doorway.
He jabbed a finger at Socrates.
"YOU! OFF MY BED!"
Then, he spun around to Hobbes.
"YOU! IN THE ATTIC!"
Socrates took his sweet time getting off Calvin's bed.
"Now you have your scum all over my bed!" Calvin screeched.
"Relax, I was laying on your shirt." Socrates scoffed.
"Great." Calvin grumbled. "Come on, Hobbes, let's go out to the backyard and burn my shirt."
"Observation," Hobbes muttered. "Things were a lot more simple before you came out of the attic."
"Oh yes." Calvin remembered "The attic. Come on, Hobbes, I have just finished a device that will change humanity!"
"I'll bet." Hobbes and Socrates said, in unison.
Calvin glared at them, and lead Hobbes into the attic, Socrates right behind.
Calvin opened the attic and motioned for Socrates.
"Age before beauty." He sneered at the tiger.
Socrates crossed his arms.
"Do you even know how old I am?"
"Not a clue. In."
Hobbes and Socrates walked into the attic.
Calvin walked past them, and walked up to a white sheet that was covering something up.
"Calvin," Hobbes warned. "I don't have a good feeling about this."
"You always don't have a good feeling about my inventions." Calvin spat.
"Well, this time, I have a nagging feeling that this one is the most horrible of all."
"Oh really? Why?"
"Because Rod Sterling was just in your room talking to the audience." Hobbes said, crossing his arms.
"Oh, you worry to much." Calvin sighed, and with that, he tore the sheet off the invention.
Hobbes and Socrates' eyes fixed on a disconnected, old fashioned rotary telephone sitting on one of the boxes.
"A phone?" Socrates asked. "That's what's going to change humanity? Give me a break."
"It's not just a phone!" Calvin spat. "You didn't even give me a chance to introduce it!"
"Right, and do we care?" he turned to Hobbes.
Hobbes shook his head.
"Well, that answers that."
Socrates and Hobbes turned around, and headed for the door.
Suddenly, Calvin appeared in front of it.
"STAY!" He screamed.
Hobbes and Socrates glared at him.
"Oh very well." Socrates clicked, crossing his arms. "But make it snappy."
"And no visual demonstrations, please." Hobbes added.
"Fine, whatever." Calvin growled.
He walked up to the phone.
"Hobbes, Socrates," Calvin said. "Say hello to....." He paused for dramatic effect. "The REALIPHONE!"
There was a moment of silence.
Hobbes and Socrates stared at him.
Calvin stared back.
"Hello? Anyone home?"
"How much time did you spend thinking up of the name?" Socrates inquired.
"Ho ho." Calvin growled. "Let me explain how it works."
He picked up the receiver.
"Hobbes, hold this to your ear." He said, handing Hobbes the receiver.
"What if it damages my brain, and causes me to go bald?" Hobbes asked.
"PUT IT UP TO YOUR EAR!" Calvin screeched.
Reluctantly, Hobbes took it, and held it up.
Instead of a dial tone, Hobbes heard Calvin's voice.
"Welcome to the Realiphone. Please push several of the buttons on this thing and something cool will happen."
That phrase repeated itself.
Socrates took the receiver, and listened.
"Hey, if you listen long enough, it'll start sounding meaningless and nonsensical." He chuckled.
"GIVE ME THAT!" Calvin screamed, grabbing the phone away.
He hung it up, and pointed at the buttons.
"There are twelve buttons on this phone." Calvin explained. "Originally, they were the 1-10 buttons, the star button and the number button."
"Correct." Hobbes said, motioning for Calvin to continue.
"I have rewired the buttons, so now, if you push them in a specific order, the phone will bend time and space to fit what you've told it to do."
Calvin picked up the phone and pushed all twelve buttons.
4,8,1, the number button, 9, 5,0,2,6,3,7, and the star button.
The phone started humming, and a light on next to the buttons started glowing red.
Then the humming went down, and the red light vanished.
Calvin put the receiver down.
Hobbes and Socrates looked around.
"What did you tell it to do?" Hobbes asked.
There was a moment of silence.
Calvin's eyes blanked out.
"I... don't know."
"RUN!" Socrates screamed.
"TO THE FALLOUT SHELTER!" Hobbes shouted.
"CODE RED! CODE RED!" Socrates screeched.
They both spun around, and headed for the door.
Hobbes grabbed the doorknob.
PING!
Hobbes held his hand up.
It was covered with jelly.
He looked down, and saw that the doorknob was now a jelly donut.
Calvin pushed past Hobbes, and looked at the doorknob.
"Ah ha!" He exclaimed.
He took out a notepad, and started writing.
"So 4,8,1, the number button, 9, 5,0,2,6,3,7, and the star button is the jelly donut combination."
He put the notepad away.
Hobbes and Socrates stared at him in disbelief.
"You mean you've been sitting here, pushing the buttons, hoping it doesn't kill you or the rest of humanity, and writing the results down on a notepad!" Hobbes demanded.
"That about sums it up," Calvin nodded holding up the notepad. "But all of that aside, I've found some interesting powers." He observed. "The number button, the star button, 4,7,1,8,2,9,3,5,6, and 0 produces a feast of food of your choice!"
"Neato!" Socrates exclaimed.
"But!" Calvin warned. "No one is to use this thing until I have all the combinations written down."
Hobbes and Socrates stared at him.
"How many combinations are there?" Socrates asked.
Calvin paused.
Then, he snapped his fingers, took a calculator out of his pocket and started punching buttons into it.
"144." He said.
There was a silence.
Hobbes walked over, and examined the calculator.
"Calvin, it's twelve to the twelve power. Use this button." He sighed, pointing at a button.
Calvin stared at it.
"Oh."
He cleared the answer he had currently, and punched in some more.
He looked at the answer.
"8,916,100,448,256." He read.
He stared at the number on the calculator.
Then he stared at his notepad.
Then he stared back at the number.
"I'm gonna need a bigger pad." he said.
Hobbes and Socrates sighed.
Calvin put the calculator down
"Anyway, nobody is to use the realiphone until all the combinations are recorded." He said. "Otherwise, something terrible could happen!"
"Like the destruction of human..."
"Shut up." Calvin spat, cutting Hobbes off. "Now, that I've introduced it.... OUT!"
And with that, Calvin shoved Socrates and Hobbes out of the attic, and slammed the door.
Socrates and Hobbes just stood there, motionless.
"Oo-kay." Socrates said.
The rest of the day went without thought of the realiphone.
Well, besides the constant noises coming up from the attic, produced by the thing.
At some point, Calvin was heard battling a pirate while screaming, "BACK! BACK, YOU PATCH-EYED FREAK!"
The pirate then complained to his crew afterward that that was the only thing his parrot said, anymore.
No comment.
This went on for the next couple of days.
Around day three, Calvin marched down the street, having returned with his sixth new notepad which he bought from Brown's General Store, grumbling to himself.
He opened the door to his house, and stormed up to his bedroom.
Hobbes was waiting, reading a comic book.
Calvin advanced over him.
"Hobbes, why aren't you up in the attic helping me write down all the combinations!" He demanded.
Hobbes looked up.
"Calvin, there's over nine trillion combinations. And you're writing them down on 50 page notepads. Why don't you just throw that piece of junk away?"
Calvin glared at him.
"Hobbes, you have no idea how important this is, do you?" He demanded. "If we get this phone fully activated, we'll be able to defeat all our enemies by pushing a few buttons!"
"There's over nine trillion combinations." Hobbes repeated. "Do you expect to remember every last one?"
Calvin stared at him.
"Well, duh, we have a notepad!" He said, holding the pad up.
Hobbes let the air hiss out of his lungs.
"I agree with Hobbes," MTM suddenly cut in. "I think you should throw it away."
"Why?" Calvin asked.
"Well, obviously, it's a stupid idea!" MTM snapped. "Why would you want a device to control reality?!"
"Because you don't control reality." Calvin said.
"Pah! I'll have you know, I can distort time and space just as well as that piece of junk!"
Calvin stared at the MTM in shock.
"MTM are you... jealous?" He demanded.
"That's one thing there I don't like about humans," MTM said, now addressing Hobbes. "They mistake simple observations of stupid ideas for petty human emotions!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
Calvin sighed, and walked back into the attic.
That day, the noises emitting from the attic continued at full force.
Hobbes could identify a giant squid crawling after a screaming Calvin, a pouring rain storm with Calvin trying to keep the Realiphone from getting wet, and another pirate fight. Hobbes even heard the attic being transformed into a jungle, and Calvin spent twenty minutes screaming his head off, and battling his way through the dense forestry looking for the Realiphone.
Eventually, Hobbes found some earphones, and he didn't have to listen to it, anymore.
When Calvin finally came down from the attic by the end of the day, he was beat.
"Whew!" he yelled. "Testing reality is sure a hard job."
"I'll bet." Hobbes said.
"But when it's all done, it will be worth it!"
Hobbes stared at Calvin's goofy grin.
"Your reality check just bounced." He said.
"Har har." Calvin growled. "I'm not in the mood for puns, by the way, so shut up."
Calvin looked at his notepad.
"I have two thousand combinations written down, now." He said. "By sheer luck I may have all combinations written down by Friday."
"Fascinating." Hobbes said.
"I still think it's stupid," MTM muttered.
SYSTEM ACTIVATION
MEMORY CHIP LOADED
PERSONALITY CHIP LOADED
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SOFTWARE LOADED
VOICE CHIP LOADED
WARNING! BLINDLY OBEY EVIL MASTER CHIP MALFUNCTIONING! PLEASE SEE EVIL MASTER SO HE CAN FIX IT.
THIS ROBOT BELONGS TO DOCTOR BRAINSTORM OF BRAINSTORM PRODUCTIONS, SO HANDS OFF!
MODEL: JACK0000000001
TODAY'S MEMO: MY NAME IS DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!!!!!!!!
Jack T. Robot, who was laying in his bed in his room, had completed his 9 hour battery recharge, also known as sleep, and was beginning to get up.
The robot sat up, and yawned.
He opened his robotic eyes and looked around the room.
He paused and blinked a few times.
"I wish Frank would take that feature out of me that flashes random green numbers in front of my eyes whenever I wake up," Jack yawned. "He only does it to make himself look clever."
Jack stood up from his bed, and walked over to a refrigerator that was sitting in the corner. He opened it up, revealing that it was filled entirely with Pepsi and Coke. Of course.
Jack grabbed a bottle, evidently this being his breakfast, and walked into the main lab with it.
Dr Brainstorm was already up and running around the lab, frantically. From the several charred marks on the console, Jack concluded that Brainstorm had set fire to the lab three times that morning before he got up. How he managed to put them out is a mystery.
"Hey, Frank, How'd you sleep last night?" Jack asked, taking a sip from his soda.
"DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!! AND I SLEPT QUITE WELL, THANK YOU!!!" Brainstorm screeched, running over to his keyboard, and typing into it, hysterically.
"That's nice. And what are we up to, today?" Jack continued, as he sat down in his usual lounge chair in middle of the lab.
"WE'RE SPYING ON CALVIN AND HOBBES!!"
"Wow, didn't see that coming."
"INDEED, AND THEY DON'T EITHER!!" Brainstorm raced over to the other side of the lab and typed on another keyboard. "NOW WE CAN DETERMINE HOW TO DESTROY THEM!!!"
"Of course we can." Jack nodded.
"BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE OVER THE WORLD UNTIL THEY'RE DEAD!!"
"Nope, your ego wouldn't allow that, now would it?"
"WHAT WAS THAT?!!" Brainstorm shrieked, whipping around.
"I said, how are we spying on them?" Jack said, without even blinking.
"I've set up several cameras in their house, in order to see what they're doing!!" Brainstorm giggled, lowering the volume of his voice dramatically. Doing this every other sentence somehow prevents him from getting laryngitis.
"Several cameras, huh?" Jack took another sip from his soda.
"OK, three. BUT THEY'RE IN KEY LOCATIONS!!!"
"Let me guess, they're all in the pointing at the bottom of his staircase, right?"
"WRONG!!! I ONLY HAVE ONE DOING THAT!!!"
Jack rolled his eyes.
"Now, are you ready to peer into the realms of the ENEMY!?!?"
"No,"
"GOOD! 'Cause we should be receiving video feedback in approximately twelve seconds!"
"Yes, I'm sure we are," Jack yawned.
As you've probably surmised, it took a good six minutes before any video feedback came back to the laboratory.
Brainstorm flipped a switch on the console as it came in.
It was a picture of the bottom of Calvin's staircase which was, at the moment, unoccupied.
Brainstorm blinked.
"OK, hold on, let me just switch to camera two!" He said, flipping another switch.
The picture changed to a shot of the hallway upstairs, which was also empty.
Jack rolled his eyes.
"OK, that doesn't mean anything," Brainstorm mumbled, flipping another switch.
The third camera, appropriately was in the attic, which was also currently empty.
There was a long pause.
Jack's expression remained blank.
"So, let me get this straight," He said, slowly. "You put three cameras in the hallway, staircase and attic, thinking that's where Calvin and Hobbes spend all their time?"
"Well could you think of any better places?!?" Brainstorm shrieked.
"Well, if I was doing it, I'd put them in Calvin's room, the living room and the kitchen." Jack yawned.
There was another pause.
Unable to think of anything else to say, Brainstorm simply screamed, "SHUT UP, JACK!!!" And whipped back around to the screen.
Jack sighed.
Suddenly, as Brainstorm was reaching to switch his screen off, the sound of a doorknob clicking was heard, and the attic door opened on the screen.
Brainstorm and Jack looked up.
Calvin came strolling into the attic holding a milkshake up to his lips.
"Alright, let's see where we are at this time." He said, walking up to the desk where the Realiphone was sitting.
He picked up the notepad and examined it.
"I'm up to combination number 4,730." There was a pause. "Wow.... Anywho let's continue..."
Brainstorm and Jack exchanged glances.
Calvin put his milkshake down and picked up the telephone's receiver.
Holding it to his head with his shoulder, Calvin began pushing several buttons on it totally at random.
He then set the receiver down and waited. The light began flashing rapidly, and the telephone began humming, loudly.
Suddenly, the milkshake that was sitting next to the Realiphone began distorting. Time and space was warped as milkshake transformed into a giant crocodile.
Calvin, Brainstorm and Jack stared at the crocodile, which stood up on all fours and gasped in the way that crocodiles do.
"Hmmm, the insane deadly crocodile combination. I was wondering when I was going to hit that one." Calvin considered. He quickly wrote that down, and turned back to the Realiphone. "Now if I recall, the undo combination was 6, 8, 0, 9, 4, 3, 5, 1, the star button, 7, 2, and the number button!"
There was a ping and the crocodile flipped back to a milkshake.
Unfazed, Calvin picked the milkshake up, and took another sip from it.
"Alright, let's see what this next one will do," He grinned, pushing more buttons on the phone.
Brainstorm suddenly flipped the switch on the console, turning the monitor off.
There was a moment of silence.
Then, the crazy scientist turned an equally crazy grin onto Jack.
"Guess what we're going to be doing, now, Jack?!" He grinned, insanely.
Jack heaved a deep sigh.
Hobbes and Socrates were sleeping in Calvin's room, both curled up on the bed.
MTM was sitting on the desk, grumbling quietly about the Realiphone.
As far as they knew, Calvin was still in the attic, writing down the combinations for the Realiphone.
So it was hardly a surprise when a small duck came wandering into the room.
"Mwack…," the little critter said.
It caused Hobbes to stir and look down at the floor.
The small duckling was gazing up at him with innocent eyes.
"Hmmmm…," Hobbes said, allowing a devious smile to seep across his face.
MTM seemed to stare at Hobbes incredulously.
"Oh, you're not serious," he moaned.
"I haven't a clue what you're talking about," Hobbes said, still gazing at the small duckling. He got up from the bed and landed with a soft "pat" on the floor, and then he reared up and began to snake over to look the duckling in the eye.
The duckling seemed to the sense the danger and immediately hurried in the opposite direction.
"Ha!" Hobbes whooped. And he leapt after the small duckling.
Socrates awoke in surprise.
"Huh? Wha…?" he asked, looking around drowsily.
Just then, Hobbes suddenly ran back into the room and began to cower up against the wall.
"Oh, what is it now?" Socrates sighed, shaking his head as he began to stretch.
"Duck… Evil… Duck… Great… Big… DUCK!" Hobbes stammered, pointing and breathing heavily.
Socrates looked out the doorway and saw a small duckling waddle back into the room.
"Mwack…?" he said.
Socrates stared at the little fellow and then stared back at Hobbes.
"Hobbes, there's a duckling in your room," he commented.
"EVIL!" Hobbes shouted.
"What, this little fellow?" Socrates asked, grinning at the duckling. He reached down to pet the small waterfowl.
Suddenly, the duck threw its head back and threw a volley of fire into the air.
VOOM!
Socrates fell over backwards in surprise, smacking his head on the window next to the bed.
"What in the heck…?" he asked, rubbing his head.
Calvin suddenly came into the room.
"There you are!" he said, picking the small duckling up.
The small duck began to snuggle up to him.
Hobbes and Socrates stared at him in fear.
"Sorry about that, I was writing down the combination and he got away," Calvin said. "Apparently, 2, 5, 1, 5, #, *, 8, 3, 4, 9, 0, 6, 7 is fire-breathing duckling."
"Lovely," MTM muttered, his voice chip dripping with sarcasm.
"You know, MTM, jealousy is an ugly thing," Socrates said, apparently enjoying it.
"You're an ugly thing!" MTM snapped.
Everyone sighed.
Dr Brainstorm was busily milling about the lab, preparing to raid Calvin's house.
"Okay," he said, "due to the fires we had last week, some of the weapons got destroyed. Which do you think will kill him faster, the leaf blower or the fishing rod?"
Jack looked up from his magazine and thought about it.
"Well, you used the leaf blower a few days ago. It might be best to use the fishing rod to throw them off-guard."
"BRILLIANT!"
Dr Brainstorm tossed the leaf blower aside and threw the fishing rod into this storage cube.
"Okay, next," he said, "we need to decide on how we're going to capture them."
"Well, on the odd day that we successfully capture them, and there are a few, we usually just come in and grab them without making a big production out of it."
"You're sure? I'm feeling like a huge climactic battle."
"Trust me. We captured Socrates by just reaching through the window at night, and then we captured Calvin and Hobbes by throwing rocks at their window and bagging them when they looked outside."
"Ah, yes, so we did. I'll grab a few rocks on the way out just in case."
"Uh-huh."
Brainstorm wrote a few things down on his paper and thought a bit more about it.
"Okay, which of the rockets should we take?"
"One of the ones that isn't broken."
"Yes, I'm aware that that is the smart thing to do. Which one isn't broken?"
"The RD-043 is still alright."
"Oh? What happened to the ID-329?"
"You spun it into that chicken coop."
"Oh yes! So I did. What a day that was!"
"Mm-hmm, an entire day of me having to dig you out of the angry hens."
"Hey, they were spoiling for a fight!"
"Fair enough."
Dr Brainstorm loaded a few more things into his storage cube and tucked it into his lab coat pocket.
"Okay, I think we're all set. Jack? Are you ready?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okay then, let's get out there AND KICK SOME BUTT!"
And he paraded into the garage to get the rocket.
Jack shrugged and followed after him.
Hobbes and Socrates were sitting on the bed playing Crazy 8's now.
As they were playing, however, the room suddenly began to warp and twist.
MTM was the first to notice.
"Either of you chaps noticing the fact that the room is suddenly beginning to look like a lava lamp?" he asked.
Hobbes finally looked.
"Huh," he said. "I was wondering how I suddenly had a twenty-eight of diamonds."
"Told you it wasn't a trick deck," Socrates said triumphantly.
The room began to twist and flash colors more and more, but Hobbes, Socrates and MTM were remaining exactly the same.
"What in the heck is this?" Hobbes demanded as his cards became a soupy mess.
"Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure your bed isn't a Craft-Matic," Socrates said as the mattress began to twist and fold in on itself.
Carefully, Hobbes and Socrates managed to get off of the uneven mattress and get onto the rapidly more uneven floor.
"Whatever Calvin's managed, it's warped the fabric of space-time," MTM said. "We seem to be turning into a piece of '60s alternative art."
Hobbes and Socrates attempted to walk across the floor, but they found themselves being tossed around and into the air.
"MTM, make it stop!" Hobbes shouted.
"Why should I? I'm not good enough unwrap reality. In fact, in Calvin's opinion, I'm not good enough to unwrap a birthday present!"
Hobbes was trying to make his way to the door, but to his horror, the doorway warped and twisted around and soon became too narrow for him to get through.
Socrates tried to get to the window, but he was suddenly tossed off the floor, which suddenly twisted upwards, coiled around his torso and grabbed him.
"Hey, Hobbes, your floor is hugging me like a weird aunt! Get me down!"
"MTM, fire a laser or something!" Hobbes shouted.
MTM sighed electronically.
"Oh, alright," he said.
BRZAP!
A red laser flew through the air, but it suddenly began to snake and warped and began to mix with everything else.
"Well, that's pretty surreal," MTM commented.
The room twisted and was soon beginning to look like a syrograph painting.
"Help!" Hobbes screamed.
Then, just as quickly as it had started, everything suddenly unwrapped and reshaped itself back into their original forms.
Hobbes and Socrates fell to the floor, which was now no longer weird and soupy, but now hard and firm.
THUD!
"Newton's revenge," Socrates moaned.
Calvin came into the room.
"Did anything happen in here?" he asked, holding the Realiphone in his grasp.
Hobbes and Socrates glared at him.
"Well, aside from the fact that I felt as though we were ingredients in baking cake batter, I can't think of anything," Hobbes complained.
Calvin nodded and looked at the notepad.
"Okay then, so 0, 9, 7, 2, 3, 5, 6, 1, 4, *, #, 8 is the code for unwrapping reality. Got it. I'll put a star next to that one."
He continued to write on the pad, and then walked away back towards the attic.
Hobbes and Socrates glared at him.
"Doesn't he have to go to school?" Socrates asked.
The rocket shot through the air, going faster and faster.
"What's our ETA?" Dr Brainstorm asked, trying to keep the ship level.
"Thirty minutes," Jack replied, not really knowing, but preferring to read his magazine rather than actually check.
"Good, good…"
They flew along over cities, a blur to everything they flew by.
Dr B looked out over the city, but he couldn't help but notice people were staring up at them in horror.
"Jack?"
"Hmmm?"
"Suppose people could see us in our rocket."
"Uh-huh?"
"What do you suppose they'd think?"
Jack paused to think.
"They'd probably wonder why a giant red missile was shooting over their fare city."
"Huh."
Dr B looked around the cockpit.
"Jack?"
"Yes?"
"Did we remember to turn the cloak on?"
Jack looked around the cockpit as well, looking momentarily unsure. He looked out the window. As they flew past a building, he saw the reflection of the rocket in the windows.
"Uh… I've got a feeling we didn't," he said, slowly going back to his magazine.
Dr B scrunched up his face in confusion, and then he began to check the instruments.
"Um, let's see," he said, "windshield wipers, wall-sound, radio, headlights, little dancing hula woman… Ah! Cloaking."
The ship flashed white.
Dr B looked around. "Hmmmm," he said, "did it work?"
"Meh, I can never tell with this ship," Jack said, not looking up.
Brainstorm looked out the window down at the streets.
"Oh good! The tanks have stopped following us! With any luck they'll write us off as an optical illusion!"
"Goody."
Hobbes and Socrates sat diligently upon the bed, on all fours, still as stone, their eyes shifting back and forth, and green army helmets on their heads.
"Wait for it…," Hobbes said. "Just…wait for it…"
"He's taking his time," Socrates muttered.
There was a long moment of silence.
"This is taking forever!" MTM shouted.
"Shush!" Socrates ordered, putting a finger to his lips.
They waited a little longer.
"Okay…," Hobbes said, letting out a sigh. "I think he's done."
But just as they thought it was safe to get off the bed…
BEEP! BEEP!
"Oh cripes, you jinxed it," MTM sighed.
They looked at the doorway. They saw two little blue robots rolling into the room. They looked like shoeboxes with goose heads and little fingers on their beaks.
"Aw, aren't they cute?" Socrates cooed.
"Socrates, don't…," Hobbes said, putting an arm out, but he was too late.
Socrates walked up to the tiny little robots.
"Well, hello little fellas," he said sweetly. "Did you roll in through the door all by yourselves?"
"They look vaguely familiar," MTM said thoughtfully.
The small robot straightened out its neck and made a grab at Socrates' nose.
"Whoa! Hey!" Socrates cried.
The other rolled quickly towards Hobbes, swinging its long head around in circles.
"What's it doing?!" Hobbes shouted.
"Maybe its systems are picking up radio signals," MTM suggested.
"Well, do something about it!"
"I bet any robots I ever created would never be susceptible to such things."
"MTM!!" they both shouted.
They were running around in circles with the small robots making grabs at them.
"Oh what do you want me to do about them? The Realiphone is so great, maybe it can do something!"
One robot gave Hobbes' tail a good yank.
"YEOW!" he shouted.
"Pesky little blighters," MTM commented.
Calvin entered the room, looking a bit frantic.
"Oh, there they are! Sorry!" he said, lifting up the Realiphone and pressing a few buttons.
In a flash, the small robots vanished.
"What the heck were they?!" Hobbes demanded.
"They were the apparent result of combination 4, #, 6, 3, *, 1, 0, 8, 7, 9, 2, 5," Calvin said, writing it down on the pad before walking out of the room.
Hobbes and Socrates glared at him.
"I want him eliminated," Socrates grumbled.
Calvin arrived back in the attic, ready to continue his experimenting. He set the Realiphone down on a box and got to work.
"Let's see," he said, looking through the pages. "What haven't I tried yet?"
He was so busy going over the various combinations that he didn't look out the window that was over the Realiphone.
Dr Brainstorm and Jack were standing alongside the house.
"Alright, Jack, hand me the scanner," Dr B said, holding a hand out.
Jack nodded and passed him a small handheld device.
Dr B turned it on and began to scan the house by running the device up and down.
Jack stood off to the side, waiting patiently.
Dr B walked along the side of the house, waiting for the scanner to start beeping. He walked around to one side of the house, and then to the other, waving that small device around.
Jack let out a yawn and leaned against the invisible ship.
Dr B walked around the house, finally opting to do a complete circle around the house, waving the small device all the way around.
Jack checked his watch.
Finally, Brainstorm returned to the front again and finally glared at the scanner.
"What is WRONG with this thing?!" he demanded, shaking it up and down.
Jack snatched the scanner from Dr B's hands, took a look at it, flipped the switch, turned it on and gave it back.
Dr B stared at it, and then glared back at Jack.
"I knew that," he grumbled.
Jack sighed.
Dr B then aimed the scanner around the house again. He paused, listening carefully.
BEEP… BEEP… BEEP…
He moved it further to the left.
BEEP…… BEEP…… BEEP……
He moved it upwards a bit more.
BEEP… BEEP… BEEP…
He grew excited as he moved it upwards.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Finally, he aimed it up towards the attic window.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEP…
"FOUND HIM!"
Jack nodded.
"Jack, pass me…the rod!"
"Mm-hmm."
Jack turned and picked up the fishing rod and handed it to him.
With careful precision, Dr B went into the windup, flailing the line behind him. Then, he flung his arms forward, casting the line and then—
"YEOW!"
Jack watched with some amusement as Dr B hooked the seat of his pants.
Dr B stood there in pain.
"Want me to do it?" Jack asked at last.
"…Please…"
So Jack unhooked him, took the rod, cast it, and then managed to get a line on the attic window.
"There you go. That'll do yer," Jack said, handing the rod back.
Dr B glared at him before he began to reel the line back.
"Okay, let's see if this works…," he muttered.
He reeled slowly but surely, feeling the line tighten on the strain. It wasn't long before all the slack had been picked up and now he was dragging himself across the grass and to the side of the house.
Jack rolled his eyes.
Once assured that it would hold, Dr B began to scale the side of the house, slowly reeling himself upwards in the process.
As he did this, Jack approached the side of the house and began to extend his legs until he was as high as the window.
They both reached the top at the same time.
Dr B saw what Jack had done and glared at him.
They stared at each other for a long throbbing moment.
"Well…?" Jack asked.
"I'll think of something," Dr B replied, still glaring.
They continued to stare.
"Aha! Got it!"
"Yes?"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST OFFER TO THAT BEFORE WE CAME?!"
"I wanted to see if this would actually work."
Letting out a low grumble, Dr B pulled out a small device from his pocket and pressed it up to the window. He managed to deploy a small suction cup from the end of it and stuck it to the glass. Then he pulled a trigger.
"WHOA!" he shouted.
To Calvin, it was a most surprising experience. His attic window suddenly flipped over, and a strange-looking madman went flying over his head and crashed into a stack of boxes.
"HEY!" Calvin shouted, getting up from his sitting spot.
Dr B emerged from the boxes and looked around frantically for Calvin, finally seeing him.
"A-HA!" he shouted. "SURRENDER THAT THINGAMAJIGGER, PUNK!"
Calvin stared at him.
"Oh, Frank," he sighed. "It's only you."
"GIVE! ME! IT!"
"What?"
"THE THING THAT MAKES THINGS SHOW UP! GIVE IT!"
Calvin looked at the Realiphone, and then back again.
"Oh. No, you can't have it."
"Fine! I see I shall have to resort to brute force."
Calvin rolled his eyes and got comfy.
Dr B was suddenly flying through the air, letting out a shriek as he reached for Calvin.
Calvin simply ducked out of the way, allowing Brainstorm to crash into the wall.
WHAM!
Calvin then picked up the Realiphone and notepad and began to flip through the pages.
"Let's see, what should I do with you…?" Calvin mumbled, flipping through the various pages. "Hmmm… Pirates? Mongooses? How about a venom-spitting gumball?"
Dr B managed to peel himself off of the wall and stare at him incredulously.
"It can do all that?!" he cried.
"So far."
Unfortunately, Calvin was so busy trying to pick a combination, he left the Realiphone relatively lose in his grip.
This gave Dr B the ability to get it away from him. He brought his foot up under it, sending it flying out from under Calvin's arm, through the air, and into Dr Brainstorm's waiting hand.
"Ha!" he shouted. "MINE!"
Before Calvin could properly react to this surprise, Dr B was on his feet and out the window, sitting it flipping around again. He leapt out into the open and grabbed onto Jack, who was still level with the window.
"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" he shouted, clutching the robot eagerly.
"Yes, yes, well done," Jack sighed, lowering them both towards the ground.
"QUICK! LET'S GO! INTO THE ROCKET!"
"Uh-huh."
Dr Brainstorm struggled back into the rocket, but he found there was a slight problem. Mainly, he couldn't find the door.
"JACK, GET ME IN THE ROCKET!"
Jack sighed and placed his finger on what one would assume was the button next to the door.
WHIRRRRRRR
They paused.
"Is it open?"
"Yes. Now get in it."
"VICTORY!"
And with that, Dr B scrambled into the rocket, followed by Jack, who was shaking his head.
Calvin watched as they seemed to scurry up some stairs, through a corridor and into two separate seats. Dr B seemed to work frantically at some controls while Jack sat the Realiphone down on the console, followed by his feet as he seemed to lean back.
Frantic, Calvin immediately tried to push the window open like Brainstorm had, but found it now to be wedged tightly into place.
Dr B and Jack faded from view.
Then Calvin heard the rumbling sounds of jets starting up. Smoke poured from invisible jet housings, blowing the grass around. Then he noticed that everything was being pushed aside as the invisible ship rose up into the air.
VROOM!
A trail of smoke was left behind as they disappeared into the distance.
Calvin watched nervously.
"…Crud," he muttered.
Hobbes and Socrates were now huddled under the bed. They both had pop guns in their grasps.
Calvin burst into the room, looking around frantically.
"HOBBES! HOBBES!"
"YAAAAAHH!!"
Hobbes and Socrates flew from the bed, screaming loudly. They aimed the pop guns at Calvin, shaking slightly.
Calvin stared at them.
"Okay, I don't have time for this," he sighed. "Look, the Realiphone has been stolen!"
"Good!" MTM shouted. "I'm sure it'll bring happiness and goodwill to some other total idiot!"
Everyone stared at him for a bit before deciding to ignore him.
"Well, I'm glad it was stolen," Hobbes grumbled. "All you do with that thing is torture us all day!"
"Hobbes, it was stolen by Dr Brainstorm!"
"So?" Socrates sniffed. "As long as it's not around here, I say, big deal!"
"Guys, you really think the Realiphone is that annoying?"
"Yes," Hobbes said, nodding firmly.
"You really think it's that dangerous?"
"You bet," Socrates said.
"You really think it's that horrible when I'm using it?"
"Uh-huh," MTM said.
"Okay, then try this…"
He paused, making sure everyone was listening.
"Imagine how annoying, dangerous and horrible it is when Dr Brainstorm is using it!"
Everyone looked at each other.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"
Two tigers went running around and around in circles, arms flailing in panic.
Calvin nodded, and then he pulled the box out from the closet.
"Come on, everyone!" he shouted. "Let's get out there and get the Realiphone back!"
Hobbes and Socrates dove into the box.
Calvin grabbed MTM and dove into the front.
They flew out the window and took to the skies.
At Yellowstone, Dr Brainstorm and Jack came strolling out of the hangar.
"WE EMERGE VICTORIOUS, JACK!" Dr B shouted, holding the Realiphone over his head. "WE'VE GOT CALVIN'S NEW…THING!"
"We went through all of that…for a thing?" Jack asked.
"Well, it's not just any thing, Jack! It's a device that can give me anything I want! Power! Glory! WE JUST GOT A THING THAT'LL GIVE US TICKETS TO DISNEYLAND!"
"Ah, wonderful," Jack sighed.
"Now then, we must set to work on phase two of the plan!"
"And that is…what?"
"We must figure out how this darn thing works!"
"Check."
Dr Brainstorm held the Realiphone close to his face. He examined it carefully.
"Hmmm… I'll make a start with this."
He pressed the "4" button.
Nothing happened.
Undeterred, he pressed the "0", and then the "3".
Somehow enjoying himself, he then pressed the "7", "6", "2", "*", "1" and so on.
Soon, he had pressed 4, 0, 3, 7, 6, 2, *, 1, #, 5, 8, 9.
"Now what happens?" he asked.
Jack shrugged and made to leave.
BRZAP!
They both whipped around and saw a field of electricity dying down to reveal some sort of creature emerging from it.
"What on earth is it?" Dr B demanded in a hushed voice.
"It looks like some sort of skeleton," Jack replied, quickly looking bored again.
Indeed, the skeleton of a man was slowly getting up onto its feet. It seemed to be growling. It was hunched over slightly.
"Grrrrrr…," it growled.
Dr B was immediately on the defensive.
"Stay back! I'll harm you!"
Finally, the skeleton stretched outwards, stretching his arms and torso a bit as if he was just waking up.
He did this until…
POP!
"Ahhhh!" he sighed. "That's much better."
Dr B and Jack exchanged glances.
"So, where the heck am I?" he continued.
They noticed his voice was a little off. He sounded like he was from Brooklyn.
"Hey, anyone got some gum? My breath's a little gamey."
"Mint or grape?" Jack asked, holding out two sticks of gum.
"WILL YOU TWO STOP IT?!" Dr B shouted. "I've got to think!"
The skeleton scoffed. "Man, what badger got up his pantaloons?" he asked.
"Not quite how I would have put it," Jack said.
Dr Brainstorm sighed and looked at the Realiphone again.
"Let's see…," he said. "Let's try this one…"
He pressed 3, #, 8, *, 1, 2, 4, 0, 9, 5, 7, 6.
BRZAP!
They looked up in surprise.
Thunder boomed around the lab.
Suddenly, it was raining empty soda cans.
"ACK!" Dr B screamed.
"Huh," Jack commented. "Nature's revenge."
"Hey, look!" the skeleton said, pointing. "Crystal Pepsi! People still drink that?!"
Jack sighed.
Dr B, getting desperate, started pressing buttons again.
BRZAP!
Something big and blue and somewhat monstrous appeared in the middle of the room.
They stared at it in complete bewilderment.
"What is it?" Dr B asked.
"It's a giant blue hairbrush," Jack said, not sounding surprised at all.
"Ha! You can finally get that weird haircut of yours smoothed out!" the skeleton laughed, pointing at Dr B's hair.
Dr B glared while Jack just smirked.
And it was still raining soda cans.
Dr B tried again.
BRZAP!
"Now what?!" he shouted.
At first, the room looked unchanged.
Then they heard a trumpet somewhere in the next room.
"Did someone just play the Cavalry?" Jack asked.
Suddenly, a herd of yellow pencils came thundering through the room.
"ACK! GALLOPING PENCILS! AN ENTIRE HERD OF THEM!" Dr B screamed, running away from them.
"This is borderline silly," Jack sighed.
"How much money do you think you're making with all these cans?" the skeleton asked, looking down at the now knee-deep pile of cans.
Finally, the doors to the elevator slid open, and Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and MTM appeared in the doorway.
They stared at the pandemonium in a stupor for a moment.
"Hmmmm," Calvin said, "this could be a problem."
Hobbes sighed.
"Wow," Socrates said, excited. "Look at that hairbrush!"
"Yes, we're lucky to have gotten here when we did," Calvin said. "We'd better get the Realiphone back."
"We're not going to walk through the cans, are we?" Hobbes asked nervously. "I didn't bring an umbrella."
"Nah, hold on."
Calvin picked up a megaphone.
"HEY, FRANK!"
"DR BRAINSTORM!"
"HIT THE REDIAL BUTTON!"
Dr B stared at him incredulously, but did so.
BRZAP!
Everything began to disappear.
"Well! Later, boys!" the skeleton sneered.
And he vanished.
Finally, everything calmed down.
"Okay, hand over the Realiphone," Calvin sighed, putting his hand out.
"NEVER!" Dr B shouted, holding it over his head.
"Look, you just about killed yourself just now," Hobbes said. "You need to get rid of it."
"Yes, by giving it back to me," Calvin added.
"No, just get rid of it," MTM said.
Everyone sighed.
"YOUR WEIRDLY NAMED DEVICE SHALL REMAIN IN MY CUSTODY!" Dr B shouted. "AND YOU SHALL TELL ME THE CORRECT SEQUENCE OF NUMBERS THAT WILL GIVE ME CONTORL OF THE WORLD!!"
There was a long throbbing pause as everyone looked at Calvin.
"Okay, fine," Calvin said, shrugging.
Everyone stared at him incredulously.
"WHAT?!?" Hobbes and Socrates shouted.
"I'll be hiding in my room," Jack said, strolling into his bedroom and locking the door behind him.
"Glad to see you've submitted to a superior mind," Dr B grinned. "Now spit it out!"
Calvin pulled the notepad out of his pocket.
"Okay, world domination, world domination…," he mumbled, flipping through several pages. "Ah! World domination: 6, 3, #, 5, 7, 9, 0, *, 2, 1, 8, 4."
Dr B pressed the appropriate combination.
"NOW WHERE IS IT?!"
BRZAP!
Everyone looked around.
Then Hobbes and Socrates were suddenly hiding in the elevator.
Dr Brainstorm raised his eyebrow.
Then he dared to look over his shoulder.
He found himself being gently poked in the nose by a sword.
An entire gang of pirates were glaring at him.
"Ah, hello," he said nervously.
"ATTACK!" the captain shouted.
And within a few seconds, Dr B was under siege by a bunch of pirates.
"HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!" he wailed.
Through the scuffle, the Realiphone flew out of Dr B's grasp and landed on the floor near Calvin.
"Okay," he sighed. "This has gone far enough."
"Now what do we do?" Socrates asked.
"MTM?"
"Yes?" MTM asked.
"I'm going to let you do something I know you've wanted to do for a long time."
"What that then?"
"You're going to destroy the Realiphone."
"What makes you think I wanted to do that?"
Everyone glared at him.
"Just get to it before I change my mind," Calvin grumbled.
"Check."
BRZAP!
MTM fired a blast of red at the Realiphone, blowing the device up.
BAM!
There was a pause.
Then the pirates finally faded away, leaving a severely tarnished Dr Brainstorm on the floor.
"Owie…," he moaned.
Calvin nodded in satisfaction.
Jack poked his head outside of his door.
"Everything fixed?" he asked.
"A-yup," Calvin said.
"Okay, I'll fix him up. See you guys later."
Everyone waved goodbye and went back into the elevator.
"What a day," Hobbes sighed as the door shut.
"Yeah," Socrates said. "A long pointless day."
"They're never really the best days, are they?" MTM asked.
Calvin shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "In the long run, this may be important than we think."
Everyone stared at him, confused.
"So… Does anyone want to throw a water balloon at a girl?" he asked.
Hobbes and Socrates waved eagerly.
Jack put his arms under Dr Brainstorm's arms and dragged him away.
"C'mon, Frank, you had a big day," he said.
"Uhhh…name…BRAIN…storm…ugh…"
"Indeed."
And as Jack dragged Dr B into the medical room, neither of them noticed that the remains of the Realiphone had mysteriously disappeared.
The End
Voice Work:
Pamela Segall Adlon Calvin
Tom Hanks Hobbes
Ryan Stiles Socrates
Norman Lovett MTM
Neil Crone Dr Brainstorm
Michael Brandon Jack
Gilbert Gottfried Skeleton
Coming Up Next: Cyberboy