Chapter 21

I Don't Need No Education

A few of the many, many things Ed hated were uniforms, schools, and waking up in the morning. So it wasn't hard to imagine how pissed he was when Gordon pulled his pillow out from under him at nine o'clock in the morning on the twenty-seventh.

"Rise and shine, orientation is in three hours," Gordon said cheerfully, drawing back the blinds and shining sunlight into the room.

Ed groaned and pulled the covers over his head. "Go away!" He complained.

"If you can manage to drag yourself out of bed, you might be able to get some bacon and eggs before Link eats it all," Gordon tempted.

"Nooooo," he sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"See you in the kitchen," Gordon said as he left the room.

"Close the door," Ed called after him. Gordon left the door ajar and Ed groaned in annoyance, rolling out of his bed to close the door all the way and grab his pillow from the chair.

Ten minutes later, Ed staggered into the kitchen like a half asleep zombie. Link was happily munching on a crispy slice of bacon, but he still tried to say good morning.

"When did you get up?" Ed asked, pulling himself onto one of the chairs around the island.

"Four hours ago," Link said, swallowing his bacon. "No one was awake yet."

"Really? You woke up at five in the morning? How?"

Link shrugged. "I woke up and I wasn't sleepy anymore."

"Witchcraft," Ed mumbled, resting his face on his hand and closing his eyes.

"Edward, how about you save your nap for orientation," Gordon put a plate of eggs and bacon on the counter in front of Ed, letting the ceramic clatter against the marble countertop.

Ed snapped awake and grumbled something profane under his breath, but he readily ate the food presented to him. "Why'd you wake me up so early? Thought orientation was at twelve."

"It'll take about forty five minutes to get there."

"I have to sit in a car with you for forty five minutes?" Ed groaned. "As if school wasn't bad enough."

"Would you rather walk? That'll take about four hours," Gordon snapped, dangerously close to losing his temper. "Or maybe you'd prefer I didn't give a shit and let you sleep through school and give Phetchet a good reason to send you to military school and Link to Metropolis. Would that be preferable‽"

That both shut Ed up and made Link cower. Gordon cursed himself for frightening Link, after all the effort he'd put in making Link feel comfortable. He'd like to be petty and blame Ed's hostility, but it took two to tango and he'd taken Ed's bait. Of course, Ed hadn't expected him to bite so hard. He was trying to put up with Ed's moods, but after a month, it was starting to get tiring, and not being able to raise his voice even a little without setting Link off was making it even harder to get through Ed's thick skull.

"I'm sorry, boys," Gordon sighed. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

Ed grunted, but he didn't look up from his eggs. Link fidgeted. Gordon sighed again, deeper this time, and left for his room, careful not to slam the door behind him.

"Why do you always make him mad?" Link asked quietly. "What if… what if he stops wanting us and sends us away for real?"

"Who cares if that asshole wants us?" Ed snapped. "It's not like I want to be here!"

"I do," Link whispered.

"Why?" Ed snapped. "It's not like he's our dad."

"Well, no, but…"

"Then why do you care?"

"Because I've never had a dad before!" Link snapped. He looked down and his knees and mumbled, "He the closest thing I've ever had to a real parent."

Ed look at his surrogate little brother and his heart clenched when he saw Link wipe a tear from his face. "Some big brother I am," Ed sighed.

"Well, you wouldn't be so bad if you weren't so self absorbed all the time," Link said, wiping his eyes and smirking playfully.

"Wow, way to sugar coat it, little brother," Ed laughed.

"Sorry, but you are," Link giggled.

"Yeah, I know, but do you have to tell me about it?"

"I thought you liked hearing about yourself?"

"Okay, now you're just being cruel," Ed teased, ruffling Link's hair.

Link giggled some more and leaned into Ed's hand. The sound of his giggling was like music from heaven. It gave hope that there was still a child underneath all of that pain, fear, and sadness.

Gordon walked back into the kitchen, both cooled off from his outburst and also clean of his morning stubble. "Edward, you'd better get ready, we're leaving in an hour."

"Pft," Ed scoffed. "How long do you think it takes me to get ready, anyway?"

"I don't know, that's why I gave you an hour."

At first, Ed didn't want to leave Link alone, but when Gordon offered to find a babysitter, Ed shut up. Link wouldn't get any better if Ed treated him like a helpless little child. Link could survive on his own for a few hours. He should be worried about himself and how he was going to survive freshman orientation without biting someone's head off.

"Now, Edward, if you feel like punching someone, I want to take three deep breaths and not do that. I'd hate to have to arrest you," Gordon said jokingly when he noticed Ed glaring out the window at the high school as if he could set it on fire if he could just willed it hard enough.

"Bite me, old man," Ed snapped.

"Lovely," Gordon grumbled.

"Hey, Link's not here, I can rebel as much as I feel like."

"Which is a lot, apparently."

"Don't act like you're surprised. You blackmailed me into this. I have a right to get even."

"I'll be sure to watch my back," Gordon sighed. "And my doors," he laughed when he remembered the caricature Ed left on the hospital door. "Alright, I'll be back at three thirty. And if it makes you feel better, I think there's free pizza."

"That doesn't make me feel better," Ed grumbled.

"Oh, and before I forget," Gordon reached into his pocket and pulled out a small flip phone. "My number's already on speed dial. Do you know how to use one of these?"

"I know how a phone works," Ed grabbed the phone.

"Alright. Then how about you call me and we see if it works?"

Ed paused, fidgeting with the flip phone in hand. He opened it and stared at the screen for a good few minutes. "Uh, well, I know how to dial on a pay phone or a home phone… circa 1915…"

"Here, I'll show you how to speed dial," Gordon reached for the phone to demonstrate, but Ed pulled away from him. "Look, I don't care if you want to teach yourself, I need to know you can get a hold of me if you need to before I go, alright?"

"I won't need to get a hold of you because I don't need you at all in the first place," Ed snarled. "And if you're so worried, then you can call me. I know how to answer a phone."

"Edward, I'm starting to get tired of this," Gordon sighed.

"What're you gonna do about it?" Ed snapped. "Hit me?"

"Don't tempt me," Gordon snarled, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

Ed recoiled. He hadn't expected that reaction.

Gordon sighed, rubbing his face in exasperation. "Edward, I'm a busy man and I'm not as young as I used to be. It's difficult to put up with you and everything that goes on in the GCPD. Look… let's just… talk about this after I pick you up from orientation."

"Fine, whatever," Ed pocketed the phone, got out of the car, and slammed the door hard enough to send vibrations through the windshield.

"I'll be back at three," Gordon called after Ed as he stalked off towards the gym, where a huge flyer hung reading 'Welcome Freshmen!' in big black letters. Ed popped a balloon on his way up the steps. Gordon figured it was better than popping someone's head, and drove to work.

Ed, on the other hand, was wishing he could pop someone's head. But the thought brought back the image of the man Black Mask had shot in the face and he quickly brushed both thought and image aside before it overtook him.

The inside of the gym was just as decorated as the outside, with a large section of chairs in the middle facing the stage across from the entrance, with tables for clubs and special subject electives. None of the booths were manned yet, and since Ed was ten minutes early, most of the seats were empty. Ed chose to sit in the back, where he had no obligation to have a good time.

He looked around at the booths while he waited for orientation to start, and was amused by the Batman and Robin fan clubs. They were two separate clubs. He also tried to not be interested in the science club, but it had caught his eye. Who ever had made the sign switched scandium and yttrium on their giant, handmade element table. Ed considered discreetly switching the two before orientation started so it wouldn't bother him for the next three hours, but a boy in the front noticed him sitting in the back and took it upon himself to be friendly before Ed could do anything.

He got out of his front row seat and practically skipped over and sat right next to Ed. Since Ed didn't want to move and he was here first, he decided to politely make small talk with the other boy and hope he'd go away.

"Hi, I'm Tim Drake," the boy held out his hand.

Something about him was familiar, but Ed couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Hi," Ed grunted. He changed his mind. Small talk was for losers. He didn't take Tim up on his attempt at a hand shake.

"Aw, come on, you're not gonna leave me hanging, are ya?" He grinned like an idiot, and like an idiot, he refused to take a hint.

"Of course I am," Ed snapped, sarcastically mirroring Tim's dorky grin and then settled back onto his grumpy slouch, crossing his arms.

Finally, Tim stopped his infuriating smiling. Before either of them could say something they'd both regret, orientation started. It started with an obnoxious scripted conversation between the student body president, a perky girl whom Ed was perfectly fine stereotyping as a ditzy airhead, and her VP, a boy who was almost as ungodly energetic and carefree as she was. Both were seniors, by the looks of it. Ed ignored them and instead tried to think of other things to distract himself with while he waited for three o'clock so he could leave. Things other than the botched periodic table.

He almost completely missed it when the two of them announced the implementation of a new, experimental buddy system the school was trying. Juniors and seniors volunteered to be a big brother or sister to one or two freshman, and they'd help the freshmen get through their first year of high school. At first, Ed didn't think anything of it, it'd just be another thing for him to add to the ignore pile. But then, after everyone else had been told who their 'buddy' was, the VP announced both Ed and Tim had to same 'big brother', the VP himself, Jason Todd.

Ed sighed in anger and slouched even further in his seat. He was stuck with two of the first students he decided to hate. He was so upset, he hardly noticed that Tim, too, was more than a little perturbed.

"Ugh, no fair," Tim grumbled. "I gotta live with him and he's my school babysitter. Bogus."

"Bogus?" Ed snorted. "What era are you from, Peewee?"

"Oh, shut up. In case you weren't paying attention, we have the same senior because we have the same schedule."

"Peachy."

While everyone else went off to get a tour of the school and a walk through of their schedule from their assigned buddy, Jason sauntered over to the two of them and immediately began pestering Tim.

"Hey, bro! Didn't I tell you about this?"

"No," Tim pouted. "First I've heard of it."

"Weird, I told Bruce and Alfred and Dick and…"

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Come on, let's check out this schedule of yours! How many honors classes are you signed you up for?"

"Do we really have the same schedule?" Ed complained. Not that he didn't think he could handle honors classes, he just didn't want to have to deal with all the extra work. And Gordon had failed to mention he'd signed Ed up for honors classes.

"You bet!" Jason smiled.

Ed decided he wanted to strangle Jason Todd. "Someone kill me," Ed groaned, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his palms. "Or better yet! Someone kill you."

"There have been a few who've tried," Jason laughed. "No one can kill Jason Todd!"

"Is there a test I can pass to get out of this?"

"No, there is not. First class is…" Jason pulled a sheet out of one of his pockets and held it up for all three of them to look at. "P.E.," Even Jason grimaced. "Ouch."

Ed wondered if he could at least get out of P.E. because of his automail, but it's not like he was any worse off than the other kids. He could handle it, he just didn't want to. On one hand, it sounded hellish, but on the other, he didn't think taking advantage of his disability by milking it would be the right thing to do. But in the end, he decided to ask Gordon about getting a doctor's note. Skipping his first class also meant he could sleep longer, and that was the deal breaker.

"Homeroom with Mrs. Yakely. Another ouch. She is strict as hell. Oh, but she's also the bio teacher and you have honors bio right after homeroom, lucky you! You don't even have to go anywhere."

"Huh," Ed laughed. "Doubt she's as strict as my old teacher." Plus, Ed didn't think it was legal to throw an eight year old across the room while drilling them on the periodic table, here or Amestris. At least it was effective.

"Then Honors Algebra 2…"

"Oh my god, algebra's baby math," Ed bemoaned his bad luck. "I should be in pre-calculus, at least."

"Well, there's noting I can do about that. At least you have lunch after that. Then English 9, World History, Honors Spanish, and Freshman Studies. Those are all in the same building. How did you two get so lucky. All your classes are next to each other, perfect for minimal walking."

"Oh joy, I don't have to walk an extra minute between pointless classes," Ed snapped.

"Hey, now. An education is never pointless," Jason snapped back, a lot more seriously than Ed had expected.

"It is if it's a waste of my time! I can teach myself more in a week than any of these assholes could learn in a decade!"

"Then passing should be easy enough, don't you think?"

Ed was about to shout something about how every second he wasted in this pathetic school was a second he could have spent getting closer to finding a way home, back to friends and family, where he belonged. But that was a rabbit hole he didn't want to go down with two strangers.

The rest of orientation went just as well as Ed expected. He was bored out of his mind following Jason around, listening to him talk to Tim about the school and the teachers and which bullies to avoid. Ed tried to sneak off, but somehow, for some reason, the two managed to track him down, suspiciously fast. And when they did find him, they came out of nowhere and nearly gave him a heart attack.

Once the tour was over, they returned to the gym for club and sports signup. Ed wasn't interested in any of the clubs. Link's recent discovery of his hidden talent made chess a sore subject for him, and there was no way he was joining a science club that switched scandium and yttrium. And, while he was grateful to Batman and Robin for saving Link and him from Black Mask, it would be a cold day in hell before he signed for a fan club dedicated to anyone but himself. He already considered himself president of the Al and Link fan clubs.

"Hey, Ed, think I should join the Robin fan club?" Tim asked.

"What?" Ed snapped out of his pleasant daydream and was displeased to find himself still in the gym and talking to Tim. The free pizza wasn't even warm.

"Should I join the Robin fan club?"

"Why? It looks like it's just a bunch a girls with a crush on him."

Tim's face turned a brighter shade of red than the fan club's sign. "Y… you think so? I mean…" Tim coughed awkwardly. "Well, there's lots of Robins, they could be…" a group of girls squealed as they signed up for the club, "squealing about the first Robin or something. He's pretty cool."

"Nah, think they're second Robin chicks," Jason snuck up on them from behind, making Ed jump again.

"Figures you'd say that," Tim rolled his eyes, his blush vanishing completely.

"You know, I was president of the Robin fan club last year," Jason said.

"No fucking shit, man," Tim snorted. "I'm so shocked. You? A fan of Robin? I never would have guessed." The sarcasm was strong.

"What? It's a great way to pick up chicks. And, they've all got great taste, being in the Robin fan club. Not so much this year though, what, with the new guy in the mask."

"Asshole," Tim grumbled. "There's nothing wrong with the new guy."

"Oh yeah? Then why don't you go over there and sign up?"

"No, you'll just make fun of me," Tim pouted. "And it'd be too weird."

"Why?" Ed asked. It wasn't like he was interested in their conversation, but watching Tim twitch was fun.

"No reason!" Tim snapped.

"Then sign up," Ed pushed.

"No way," Tim crossed his arms.

"Aw, but I thought you loved Robin?" Jason pouted.

"Sure, when I was a kid. It's different now. Way different."

"Come on, don't be shy. You could meet your one true love," Jason teased. "Just look at all those cute girls."

"Ew, gross. I'm not signing up to a club just because there's girls in it."

"Would you sign up for a Nightwing club?"

"No…" Tim said after a few minutes of hesitation. "Probably… not. Maybe. I dunno. I'd sign up to a Superman club, though."

"There hasn't been a Superman club here since Dick Grayson graduated," the student body president joined them, also from behind. Ed figured sneakery must be a Gotham trait.

"Yes, thank you, we know who Dick Grayson is," Jason said.

"Oh, right! I forgot he was your foster brother," she said, putting her hand to her lips and blushing.

"You don't gotta say 'foster brother' like it's stupid," Tim snapped. "In fact, you don't even have to say 'foster' at all, since we're all adopted."

"Oh, does that mean you'll all get a third of the Wayne fortune when daddy dearest dies?"

"Jen, back off. The only reason why I'm VP instead of you is 'cause you're a dirty little bitch who used her daddy's influence to buy people's votes."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Todd, it's not my fault your mommy killed herself doing meth and your daddy's in jail."

"For your information, it was crack, she was my step-mother, and my old man got offed by Two Face. If you're gonna smear someone, at least do it right. And do it yourself, instead of making your rich lawyer dad do it."

"She's not worth is, Jay," Tim put a hand on Jason's shoulder before he could follow up his insults with punches. "She's just lashing out because her parents don't pay enough attention to her."

"Humph," Jen turned her nose up at Tim. "You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? Todd isn't the only one I know about. You'd better watch yourself, Drake."

Tim had to take a deep breath to refrain from punching her.

"And who's this? You one of Bruce Wayne's newest projects," Jen sneered at Ed. "What's your sob story? Parents didn't want you, or something?"

Jen had made a mistake. No one was holding Ed back, and he had no qualms with hitting a girl, especially if she was asking for it. But Ed wasn't some violent, hot headed jerk, so he only socked her with a left handed undercut, straight to her jaw. He didn't think he hit her hard enough to break anything, unless her tongue was in an unfortunate position in her mouth.

"Holy shit!" Tim shouted in surprise.

"Well, fuck," Jason tried not to laugh.

The gym was dead silent. All eyes were on Ed. Jen, who was sitting on her rump, holding her face, slowly registered what just happened.

"He hit me!" She cried in a high pitched, very offended voice.

"Yeah, and I'd do it again," Ed spat.

"Holy shit," Tim snickered.

She touched her hand to her lip, and when it came back with a little blood on it, she squealed in distress. "I'm bleeding!"

"Oh, suck it up, it's not that much blood."

"I'm suing! My father's a lawyer! When he hears about this…"

"Oh dear, what happened!" A teacher finally made it to the scene.

"Principal Haddock, He hit me!"

"Is this true‽" The principal gasped, first looking to Jason, who tensed up, before realizing with slight embarrassment that she was pointing at the boy next to Jason.

"No," Ed said. "I'd say it was more of closed fisted undercut."

"Well, that is entirely unacceptable!"

"She provoked me," Ed snapped.

"Yes, she did," Tim quickly came to Ed's defense, which annoyed him, but he figured he shouldn't bite the hand that helped him. "She totally was asking for it. She was verbally bullying us."

Ed tried not to snicker as Tim tried to smooth talk their way out of this.

"Is this true?"

"I would never bully another student!" Jen gasped in shock.

"Sure, because gossiping and spreading dirt on other people isn't bullying at all," Jason snarled.

"You can't prove I said any of that! But I can prove you hit me," she pointed an angry finger at Ed and gingerly held her already swelling lip.

"I'm afraid she has a point," Principal Haddock said solemnly. "But there are three witnesses saying you did verbally bully them. I'm afraid I'll have to call both of your parents to pick you up early."

"Shit," Ed hissed. He hadn't thought of that when he threw his punch.

"Both! I'm the victim!" Jen complained. "I demand he be expelled!"

"Quick question, if I'm expelled, do I still have to go to school?" Ed asked Jason.

"Yup, but the public school, which is underfunded, smells like moldy socks, and I'm pretty sure the asbestos leaks into the one working drinking fountain. Plus, I think the principal carries around a crossbow."

"Good to know," Ed sighed. If he had to go to school, he'd rather it smelled nice and had clean water. "I object to being expelled."

"Now, now, you two," the Principal tried to clam them. Mostly Jen, Ed was surprisingly calm for having lost his cool enough to punch someone. "Let's not jump to extremes here. Let's just go down to my office and give your parents a call so they can come and take you home."

Thank you for your time. Please favorite, follow, and review.