At their next lesson a few days later, Severus seemed very unfocused. While she waited in between brewing steps, she looked at him briefly. His cheeks were gaunt, there were black bruise like markings under his eyes, and his hair looked more stringy than usual. Truthfully, he looked ill. He seemed to be trembling a bit. She didn't think it was possible for him to look thinner, but he did.
As she turned back to brew, she asked, "Are you all right, sir?"
"How many times must I remind you, Miss Granger, that we are not friends?" He grumbled as he went back to grading.
"Right. I'm just responsible for keeping your secret loyalty and arranged murder plan safe. Heaven forbid I ask about your wellbeing."
"Don't..." He said suddenly. The tone in his voice changed. He sounded broken. "Don't use that against me. I did not ask to do this. On the contrary, I explicitly asked to not do this."
She turned to look at him. He was sitting very stiffly and staring at the essay in front of him with unseeing eyes. "You don't have to do this, Professor Snape. This... Professor Dumbledore has asked far too much of you. You do not have to do this. We can try to find another way, sir. I'm certain we can. I know Professor McGonagall will help."
He did not look at her, or even appear to blink. "There's no other way." He was hollow.
"There's always another way," She tried to assure him.
Suddenly, his left hand was unbuttoning his right sleeve. He pulled his thick wool sleeve down to his elbow and showed her his wrist and forearm. She walked over to inspect it closer. There were thin red lines wound around the base of his hand, his wrist, and his forearm. She'd seen them before, but couldn't place them. Then, she realized what they were and gasped.
"You've made the Unbreakable Vow?" She asked. "Harry said you had, said he overheard you talking to Draco, but we didn't believe him..."
He pulled his sleeve back down, covering his thin arm once more, and began to button the cuff. He was very quiet and his face was solemn.
"So, you either die, or tear your soul?"
He looked at her. Never had anyone put it in such terms before, and it rattled him. "Yes."
"What kind of deal is that?" She asked angrily and crossed her arms. She turned back to her cauldron. He could sense her anger in her silence. He had no idea what to say to her, or how to proceed, so he said nothing and merely tried to grade.
"You don't have to do this," She said again. "There are loopholes all over the place in magic. We can find one in this."
"There is no other way," He said. "Dumbledore made sure of that."
She frowned deeply. "Do all of his decisions come at your expense?"
"All of his decisions come at someone else's expense," Snape said darkly.
She looked at him closely. "I'm sorry, Professor Snape."
He shook his head bitterly. "This decision to bring you in to keep me loyal, disguised as giving me allies, has come at your expense. At McGonagall's expense. The burden of the truth is heavy."
"Whatever he is, Professor Dumbledore was right that you deserve allies," She said softly. There was a tenderness in her voice that set him on edge.
"I'm not a project, Miss Granger. I've been walking this line for your entire life. You've been burdened with the truth, and it will very likely get you killed. The faster you realize that, the sooner you'll understand how pointless any type of conversation with me is."
Her face hardened at his words. He was defensive and distant again. The man was a rollercoaster. "What's he have on you anyway?"
Snape furrowed his brow and his black eyes fluttered dangerously. "What?"
"Professor Dumbledore. Surely he must have something on you to make you do these things."
"You know nothing, you foolish Gryffindor," He said angrily. "I am here of my own accord." His eyes were sparkling in a way that made the dark and brooding man look even more terrifying.
Still, she didn't find herself deterred."Foolish Gryffindor? I guess I've just never seen a Slytherin do anything selfless." She stood up straight. She'd long since lost her personal fear of Snape.
He bared his teeth and stood up from behind his desk. Leaning over, he hissed, "Mind your tongue, girl."
The corner of her lip twitched. Her magic crackled across her skin. Her face set in defiance. Then, suddenly, it relaxed. "You're afraid." Her statement had him reeling. His guard dropped for a moment and she saw all of Severus Snape. It was brief, so fleeting, but the fear on the man's face was painfully apparent. He was terrified, stressed to the max, and hurting.
Pulling his shields back, he looked at her and took a deep breath. "I am human, Miss Granger."
"I'm scared, too." Her voice was quiet, and a bit shaky.
He studied her for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was bitter and broken. "People such as yourself end up okay in times such as this. Your side is the winning side."
"With all due respect, sir, Harry's parents would've been 'people like me.'" His face darkened considerably at her statement, and Hermione was thrown by the dangerous look he was now wearing. She pressed. "As would have Neville's. And Cedric. And Sirius. War doesn't know winners and losers. Only survivors do."
He looked away from her toward the wall. His jaw was twitching. "I will not know about it either way, Miss Granger. Your lesson this afternoon is at an end."
"You don't... Intend to survive?"
"If you think this has a happy ending for me, Miss Granger, then you have not been paying attention," He growled at her.
"But Professor Dumbledore said you'd need help after the war..."
"Professor Dumbledore says a lot of things, girl. Usually, the things he says are vastly different than the things he does. You'll do well to remember that. Leave," He said. A muscle under his eye twitched.
She'd meant to assure him, but had only served to stress him further. Grabbing her bag, she turned back to look at him once more. "At least you're not alone in this anymore, sir. I can't imagine how horrifyingly lonely and scary that would have been. You might not think so now, Professor Snape, but I think it's for the best that someone knows. Even if it's a know-it-all student and your rival House Head."
"Bloody sentimental Gryffindors. Be gone," He said and waved toward the door roughly.
Her words bounced around in his head long after she'd gone. Perhaps it was for the best, even if the girl was absolutely infuriating, and even if Minerva might drive him insane even before Dumbledore could manage it. Facing the uncertainty and danger of the future entirely alone would be far more dangerous than having just two allies. But positivity wasn't natural to Snape, and soon he turned sour. Two allies or two hundred allies wouldn't make it turn out differently for him in the end. Truthfully, he wouldn't have wanted it to in the end. There would be no place for Severus Snape in a post war world - no matter which side ended up victorious. Still.. It would be comforting to not be alone even if it didn't change things.
"Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post." ~ A Song of Ice and Fire