A/N:
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THESE CHARACTERS, WE ALL KNOW THIS
BPOV
"Bella, get your coat and sneakers...I know where Edward is."
My head snapped up off the bed to find Kyle leaning around the door into my room. His expression left me questioning nothing. I had heard him correctly….he knows where Edward is.
I scrambled across the room and shoved my feet into my shoes, not even bothering to tie the laces, before grabbing my jacket off the chair in the corner of the room. I flew down the hall into the living room only to find it empty. I turned on my heel heading back towards the other bedroom only to run smack dab into Mandy- who was rounding the corner hopping on one leg trying to wiggle her foot into her shoe. We stumbled into the wall behind her, laughing breathlessly as we awkwardly clung to one another trying to keep each other from falling over.
Once Mandy was steadily back on both of her feet she threw me a reassuring smile before grabbing a hold of my hand and pulling me towards the apartment door behind her.
This was it. This was really it.
After nine days of complete and utter chaos filled never-ending anxiety and tears we had finally found him.
We sprinted down the steps taking two or three at a time to find Kyle already pulled up along side the curb waiting for us. I threw myself into the back seat of the car, knocking my head on the roof of the car in the process. Kyle's lips twitched upwards as his eyes caught mine in the rearview mirror. His eyes reflecting the same emotions I'm sure were swimming in my own…excitement, fear, and a bit of uncertainty. Finding Edward had been our primary concern, but it didn't necessarily mean we were out of the woods just yet.
Locating him was one thing…convincing him to leave with us would another battle altogether.
Kyle had warned me throughout the week that when we did finally track him down, I should be prepared for the worst. The horrendous images from that appalling night at Felix's place had come to mind, leaving me hoping beyond anything else that that was not the sort of thing to which he was inferring. Just thinking about it again had made me shuddering. When I asked what exactly he meant by what he had said, he refused to expand on it. I was getting to know Kyle well enough by this point to know what his dodging questions meant. It meant that the answer would be revealing something he felt Edward himself should be the one to tell me.
Apparently Edward had a whole stockpile of skeletons in his closet just waiting to be discovered…
Looking at the clenched jaw and anxious eyes currently reflected in the rearview mirror, I knew the images in my head were probably closer to the truth than I cared to admit at this point. I felt traitorous even imagining Edward in a similar state to those people. Edward didn't use drugs. We had spent every single day together for the past two and a half months and not once had I even seen him drunk, let alone high or anything else. He was clean, I was sure of it.
Yet I couldn't deny the truths I've been forced to acknowledge over the past week.
Whether I liked it or not, Edward was a drug dealer. If he wasn't currently partaking in his own goods, then he had to have done so at some point in his life to have led him down this path.
Edward had been gone for well over a week. He wasn't with me, Alice, Kyle, or any of the other people that he typically stayed with - I know, I'd called and stopped by all of them…multiple times. And we all knew he sure as shit hadn't gone back home to his parents. That only left one other option. His acquaintances…his drug acquaintances. The guys he sold to that, for one reason or another, he didn't actually befriend in some small way. If Felix was the type of guy who was still on his list of pseudo friends, then what type of person only falls under the category of an 'acquaintance'?
A shiver wound it's way down my spine at the thought. The first of many for the day, I'm sure.
Kyle's worried eyes met mine in the rearview mirror once again. I'm sure the ever present wash of panic was evident across my face. He quickly nudged Mandy beside him, and she immediately turned around in her seat to face me, reaching out to take my hand in her own.
My hands were cold and clammy, sure tell signs of exactly how much I was beginning to freak out. Mandy had grown accustomed to my mild panic attacks over the past week. The battle to fight them off was a daily occurrence whenever I lost myself inside my head worrying about Edward…which was exactly what I was currently doing.
I sighed, shaking my head at myself for having done it again. I mustered up a small smile and gave Mandy's hand a squeeze, expressing my gratitude for saving me from myself yet again.
I closed my eyes for the rest of the drive in an attempt to numb my brain. Walking into the place already in a panic wasn't going to help anything. I was preparing myself for the worst, but I needed to remain calm and collected going in if I was going to pull this off. Now was not the time to lose myself. I had to hold it together for him.
Forty minutes later we pulled into the parking lot of an apartment complex. Looking around I noticed that is was nicer than would I have expected. It was still pretty old, like many of the lower income apartment buildings I'd seen, but nowhere near as rundown as many of the ones we'd frequented. And it definitely wasn't anywhere close to the disgusting shithole Felix lived in. That place made your skin crawl just looking at it. This place was…decent. It had little balconies that hung over a center courtyard where there was picnic tables scattered around a old wooden playground. Not too shabby really. Maybe I had psyched myself out…
Kyle slowly drove through the parking lot, scanning both sides. I was about to ask him what it was that he was looking for, considering the building numbers were boldly written across each of the entrance doors, when my eyes fell upon something I'd dreamt of seeing every night for the past week.
Edward's shiny silver Volvo.
It was parked at the furthest end of the of the parking lot, tucked between a huge rusty broken down truck and the overgrown weed and shrubbery fence that blocked it from view from the road we had driven in on.
Tears sprung to my eyes seeing it there, completely unscathed and looking just the same as it had the last time I'd seen it. I wished beyond anything else that the owner of that vehicle would be found in the exact same condition. I sniffled, blinking rapidly and trying to regain control over myself.
Calm. Collected.
I had to have my guard up or I'd be sure to fall apart.
The slamming of Kyle's car alerted me to the fact that we were on the move. I climbed out of the back seat, brushing out the wrinkles of my jeans in an effort to rid my palms of the sweat that had already began to collect there.
"I'll be waiting for the two of you out here. It's just easier that way," Mandy said softly, pulling me in for a quick hug. My arms wrapped loosely around her, still desperately trying to build my wall of defense back up.
"You can do this Bella," she whispered reassuringly in my ear. "Go in there and get your man. It's time to bring Edward home." I pulled in a deep breath hugging her tighter against me, thankful for her words of support. They were just the extra boost I needed.
I pulled away from her, this time holding my head high as I squared my shoulders and turned around to join Kyle who was waiting for me on the sidewalk. He held his hand out to me, giving it a firm squeeze before leading me down the sidewalk and up the stairs to the second story.
We came to a stop directly in front of apartment 228, a grungy washed out doormat adorned with happy little floppy eared Easter bunnies, complete with a giant rainbow and even a baby bird's nest, welcomed me to the…O'Connell's…O'Conner's? It was worn out and dirt encrusted to the point where most of the letters were missing and the little family of bunnies were smudged into blobs of grey and brown.
But seriously…a freakin' Easter welcome mat? Easter was months ago people. No wonder I couldn't make out their last name. Not that having the last name of the people Edward had holed himself up with for the past two weeks really meant something to me in the long run. I was here to get Edward, not make new friends. Though it did look like there was a family of bunnies. A momma, a poppa with a top hat, and two little baby bunnies. A whole family.
God…what the hell is wrong with me? Of all the things to sit here and ponder about at a time like this here I am wondering about the faded family of Easter bunnies welcoming me to the door…
Kyle must have rung the doorbell while I was staring at the freakin' doormat because I could hear footsteps approaching from the other side. I stood up straight and steadied myself, preparing for whatever might lay beyond the door in front of me.
The door whipped open to reveal a tall, lanky, middle aged man. He was so skinny that his bones jutted out a odd angles as he leaned himself up against the door frame. He seemed put together enough. He appeared to be freshly shaved and showered, and his clothes were in decent enough shape. His eyes openly roamed my body, stopping to study my face intently for a few moments longer than comfortable before finally moving them to meet my eyes. My face flushed under his scrutiny even though I'd been studying him in the exact same manner moments before.
Upon seeing my blush his lips pulled upwards into a smirk as he glanced back over his shoulder before turning his attention back towards me once again.
"You've gotta be the fucking infamous Bella," he quipped, raising his brow at me while his eyes darted from my own over to my cheeks and then back again.
My eyes widened in surprise upon hear my name fall from his lips without having even given it to him. I'd never met this man before in my life, and yet, he somehow knew my name after five seconds of having seen me.
"I'm Drew...Captain of this here vessel. Come on in," he said, shoving the door all the way open with his foot, motioning with his hand for us to enter.
I leaned into Kyle, nudging him with my elbow to go first because honestly this guy freaked me the hell out. Captain of this vessel? What the hell…
His eyes were identical to the tweaked out crazy people I had encountered plenty of times before - all red and bloodshot with the pupils dilated so wide you couldn't make out the actual color of the iris. But the thing that really threw me about this guy is the fact that he acted completely normal. He was calm. All of his movements were slow and smooth rather than all spastic and jittery like I'd come to expect when someone's eyes looked that way. The fact that he was so in control of himself when his eyes looked the way they did scared the bejesus out of me.
I followed closely behind Kyle reaching out to grab the back of his shirt for fear that he might get more than a single step ahead of me. I stared down at my feet as I shuffled my way across the linoleum, only lifting my eyes to look around when we came to a suddenly stop at the edge of the living room. I leaned my head around Kyle's shoulder curious as to what brought him to such an abrupt halt.
The entire room before him was littered with crushed beer cans. They were on the couches, the tables, the entertainment center…not to mention the piles kicked to the corners of the room. A nearly full case of beer was sitting at the edge of the couch, the cans just waiting to be added to the others garnishing the living room.
The coffee table in the center of the room looked like a drug addict's very own little work bench. A mirror broken framing laid on top of the table, white dust scattered across the surface of it while two razor blades laid in the center, pushing together a forgotten line of coke. Off to the side of that were a couple of beer cans, their middles flattened with what looked like charred tiny holes in the middle of the flat part. My brow furrowed as I stared at it, trying to figure out what the hell they'd use that for.
"Uh...it's a makeshift crack pipe. They either do that or poke a hole in the bottom of the can and set the rock in...ya know what...never mind. It doesn't fucking matter what they were using it for," Kyle started to explain in whispers as he caught me staring at it but cut himself off. Hell, I hadn't needed anything more than crackpipe for an explanation to know it wasn't fucking good.
I just nodded and took in the rest of the table. In the very center of it, there was a lazysusan of all things - I swear to God...I couldn't make this shit up if I tried - with little containers filled with all sorts of various drugs. Drew must have thought it was the funniest thing in the world when he saw me gaping at it because he gave it a little whirl for added effect.
"Can I offer you some herbal refreshments?" he chuckled and my eyes went wide as I tried to hide behind Kyle again.
"This guy's off his fucking rocker," Kyle muttered, shaking his head and putting his arm out as if to push me even further behind him.
"Look, dude. We only came for Edward. I know he's here. Where's he at so we can be on our way?" Kyle asked, sounding like he wanted to get the hell out of this place just as much as I did.
In an instant everything about Kyle's demeanor changed. Where he'd been relaxed and just sounded irritated before, his entire body tensed in front of me and his next words came out sounding like he was ready to spew fire.
"Were you stupid shits doing heroin?! You fucking motherfucker…if he has one goddamn trackmark on his fucking arm...I'll fucking bury you!"
That's when I spotted them...the used and discarded syringes right next to the burnt spoons sitting on the end table.
Oh God...please tell me he didn't...
I was standing there, frozen stupid in horror at the sight in front of me. Out of all the places we had visited or stayed, the only freakin place' that had that shit was Felix's. It scared the shit out of me then and seeing it again in front of me, at the place where Edward had been staying for the last week, left me breathless all over again. I don't think I'd ever be okay with seeing used syringes tossed haphazardly around the house, but to even consider the fact that Edward could have been the one injecting himself with heroin of all fucking things…
I was surprised to find myself still standing by this point because I was sure my knees would have given out beneath me by now. I forced my gaze away from the coffee table and over towards Drew who was answering Kyle as if needles just laying around was common place and no a big deal.
Nope, not a big deal at all…
"He's in the bathroom...was just gettin' out of the shower when you guys showed up," Drew responded, shrugging as though answering Kyle's question by saying 'Yeah? So the fuck what?' The words had barely left his mouth when Kyle suddenly moved from in front of me and took off down the hallway.
He didn't even stop to knock on the door, instead, just barging it open and dragging Edward by the arm straight out into the brightly lit hallway.
He looked stunned and confused for a moment as he looked at Kyle, almost as if he was trying to figure out who the hell Kyle was, his wild eyes darting between Kyle's face and his own arms that were being inspected vigorously. And then...recognition flashed in his eyes and within moments, he had Kyle pressed aggressively against the wall, his arm across Kyle's throat.
I couldn't do a damn thing but look on helplessly, unsure if he would even recognize me in his state of mind. He was wild...untamed and borderline crazed. If it weren't for his familiar features and uniquely colored hair...I wouldn't have recognized the man standing just feet from me.
Physically, the differences were few but instantly identifiable. He had obviously lost some weight, making his muscles that much more defined. As if he was carved from stone with harshly cut lines instead of the smooth and subtly hinting lines I'd been accustomed to seeing. His face, along with the rest of his body, was beginning to look gaunt, the bags under his eyes more prominent than ever. And his skin…his skin was well beyond his usual mild pallor. It looked nearly gray in color...something you'd expect to see on a corpse - not a living, breathing human being.
It was the untamed brutal rage in his eyes as he glared at the only person I could legitimately claim was his best friend that was unnerving. Even while fighting with Jasper - who I had no doubt in my mind he loathed - he'd never possessed that degree of unbridled hate. In that moment...he wasn't looking at his best friend, he was looking at his mortal enemy.
It scared the shit out of me. He scared the shit out of me.
"Who the fuck do you think you are barging in here and putting your goddamn hands on me?" he seethed, his entire frame shaking as he pushed Kyle even further into the wall.
The sound of his voice...I'd never heard anything like it from him before. It sounded demonic...like he'd been possessed or something, and it actually made me squeak in fear as I flinched away from the sound of it.
But then...it was as if the world shifted on its axis because that one little sound that escaped me made his gaze shoot to me. It was as if someone had drenched him with a bucket of ice cold holy water. The fire in his eyes extinguished instantly and his furious expression dwindled into one of disbelief and pure agony. His brow furrowed as he stared at me, his lips forming inaudible words as his arms fell away from Kyle.
I didn't know what the hell to think anymore. It was obvious he wasn't going to hurt me...at least I didn't think he would since he was no longer emanating wave upon wave of rage. I shifted in my spot uncomfortably, my fingers nervously fidgeting and picking at each other, unsure if I should attempt to approach him or not. I wanted nothing more than to run to him, but I was terrified that one false move would bring the possessed side of him forth again.
I aimlessly reached for him as a tear trailed down my face when he started shaking his head and staggering backwards, knocking into the door frame of the bathroom. It was like everything was happening in slow motion as he leaned forward and grasped onto the other side of the entrance to the small room and slid down it, half shielding himself behind the hallway wall as he sank down onto one leg, the other tucked to his chest.
His eyes had remained focused on mine the entire time...as if he were seeing a ghost, his lips silently mouthing my name over and over again.
I almost took a step toward him until his gaze suddenly shifted from me and back up to Kyle. It flickered back and forth a handful of times before the rage returned full force and he glared up at him.
"What the fuck were you thinking bringing her here?!" he roared, launching himself away from the doorway and toward Kyle.
Before I could even comprehend what was happening, fists were flying and the two of them were bouncing back and forth between the hallway walls.
"Man this is some Jerry Springer type shit," that guy Drew laughed, as he watched on in rapt amusement while the two of them sparred and hollered at each other.
I couldn't even process what was happening anymore as I nearly ran to the edge of the hall. The only thought my brain could manage to form coherently was that this needed to stop. Now.
"Stop! Edward...please!" I wailed, my voice echoing within the tight corridor. And just like that he pushed Kyle away from him, making him stagger backwards toward me as he fought to maintain his balance and Edward turned his back to us.
He stood there, silent as a statue with his arms at his sides, hands repeatedly balling into fists and flexing, shaking from head to toe with effort to restrain himself.
"Get her out of here," he spoke after a series of silent moments, his voice dangerously low and forced through clenched teeth. Kyle took a step backwards and looked at me, but I shook my head.
I wasn't leaving...not without him. He'd kill himself if he stayed there...surrounded by all the crap that was making him act the way he was. In that moment, the completely useless realization that all of Alice's instantaneous mood shifts were - without a doubt - drug induced, solidified in my mind. There was no longer a question about it in my mind now that I'd bared witness to the exact same type of behavior in Edward.
Completely useless because not only was it overwhelmingly heartbreaking to acknowledge, but it did me absolutely no good in terms of knowing how to get the three of us out of that damn apartment and as far away from it as we could get without Edward hurting either himself or one of us.
When he began to stretch his neck, rolling his head around in a slow circle as he loosened his shoulders, I knew he was about to do something drastic. Waves of uninhibited rage were still rolling off of his shaking form and his voice as he spoke sent a shiver of fear straight down my spine. "I said, get her the fuck out of here."
And then, in the blink of an eye, he spun and thrust not just his hand, but his entire arm through the hallway wall.
"Edward, bro...I'm not saying this shit again. We're. Not. Leaving. Not without you, so man the fuck up and quit running from your fucking issues. If I have to hogtie your ass and drag you out of here kicking and screaming, I'll fucking do it. Don't test me," Kyle warned, squaring his shoulders and taking a step forward, bracing himself for another attack. "You're better than all this shit, man. Don't fucking do this to yourself."
The sound that emanated from Edward's throat brought tears to my eyes as he slowly withdrew his arm from the wall. It was a menacing laugh that was devoid of any degree of humor. It was the laugh of a broken man who had not a single hope or dream in the world.
Like he'd lost everything and was perfectly content withering away into nothing.
His head began to shake back and forth slowly as he braced both hands against the wall and leaned forward, dropping his head to the point his forehead knocked into it with a loud hollow thump and a mix of a growl and groan escaped his lips.
"Edward...please. Just come with us," I begged tearfully, fully stepping out from where I'd half hidden behind Kyle.
When his head finally tilted in our direction, his empty eyes met mine and he turned as he slid down the wall, slumping to the floor with his legs drawn to his chest as Kyle took a few cautious steps toward him. His gaze, however, never veered from my eyes.
"Bella," he sighed, his eyes closing as he finally said my name aloud. "I can't...this isn't...I don't want you to see me like this. Please...I'm begging you. Please go."
"No!" I yelled, half angry and half desperate as I started stalking toward him, ready to shake the ever living hell out of him until I could make him understand I wasn't going anywhere…not without him.
Before I was even able to make it a full three steps, Kyle's arm shot out and wrapped around my torso as he spun to the side, nearly lifting me completely off the ground. I panicked when I saw the spark ignite in Edward's eyes again...only this time, it was a different fire. This fire I'd seen before.
It had been in his eyes every time he'd ever gone into guardian warrior mode, ready and willing to protect me with his entire being.
Like some kind of friggen avenging angel, he slowly and fluidly rose from the floor as I struggled against Kyle's arm.
"Get your fucking hands off of her," he growled menacingly.
Out of sheer desperation and fear of what he'd do, I broke my gaze away from Edward as he stood at his full height and took his first step toward us, and looked up at Kyle frantically.
"Lemme go," I hissed, pushing against him. "Now."
His arm instantly released me as his gaze drifted up and he caught the look in Edward's eyes as he slowly stalked toward us. I didn't know what else to do to keep Kyle out of his reach, so I shouldered him in the chest, knocking him backwards a few steps just as Edward's hand curled around my opposite wrist and yanked me straight into his chest. Instantly, his arms came around me, one around my shoulders as his other hand pressed my head against his chest, as if enclosing me within the protection of his wings.
That thought left me wondering if it wasn't me who was the one that was currently shitfaced because the entire image of it in my head was nothing short of insane. Edward was high as a kite and here I was mentally associating him with a serene heavenly being incapable of any kind of violence.
There had to be something still lingering in the stale air within the apartment.
"No one fucking manhandles her that way. If she wanted to come to me...she could," he growled again, stepping backwards and literally dragging me with him. I had no idea what Kyle was doing because I couldn't see him with the way Edward was holding me, but by the creaks in the wooden floor, it sounded as though he was shifting his footing anxiously.
"Dude...chill. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just didn't want to risk you hurting her," Kyle responded calmly, and I could almost picture him holding his hands up defensively.
"I'd never fucking hurt her," he whispered gruffly, tightening his hold on me slightly as he, I swear to everything holy in this world, nuzzled my hair. "Get out."
"You think I'm gonna fucking leave her here? With you and the mad fucking hatter in the living room back there? You're out of your fucking mind...seriously, you've flipped your goddamn lid," Kyle scoffed as Drew burst out laughing.
"Mad Hatter...I love it. 'Alice in Wonderland' is a trip and a fucking half," he chortled, sounding like he was slapping his knee or something.
My Lord that man was one cherry frosted cupcake past certifiably crazy! If that comment wasn't insane enough, the one I'd almost missed about "always wanting a porthole in his submarine" when Edward punched a hole in the wall had definitely necessitated him a straight jacket...and preferably a padded cell.
"Bella...Bella...Bella," my name fell from his lips in a pleading whispered mantra. "Please don't leave me. Stay with me...always. Even if you're not real."
I wasn't sure what all he'd taken, but the fact that he seemed to think he might possibly be hallucinating terrified the living hell out of me. I needed to get him out of there, as soon as possible, because I feared if he took one more drug...his tentative grasp on reality would be lost.
"Edward...I'm here. I'm real and I'm not going anywhere without you. Come with me. I'll stay with you, but you need to come with me, okay?" I bargained with him calmly, tilting my head up to look at him as his grasp on me loosened to a gentle embrace.
"Kay," he whispered as he nodded and looked down at me and pouted. "I'll go wherever you do...just don't...don't ever leave me again."
"I won't...where's your stuff?" I asked, trying to ignore how desperate and anguished his expression was...on top of how lethargic and sedated he suddenly seemed.
"It's all gone," he suddenly burst out laughing maniacally. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head as I turned my head toward Kyle...whose eyes were in the same state mine were.
"You went through your entire fucking stash?!" he blurted, looking intensely horrified as Edward merrily nodded.
"And then some," he chuckled.
"Oh my fucking God...do you realize what you've done?!" Kyle yelled as he started pacing back and forth.
"Sure I do," Edward shrugged. "I partied in the Universe of Stupid with the King of Retarded."
At this, Drew laughed so hard he fell out of his chair...literally falling off his rocker.
"Okay...what do we do now?" I asked, looking only at Kyle and trying to remain calm. I wasn't sure what would arise from Edward wiping out his "stash", but from the way Kyle had reacted...I knew it couldn't be anything good.
All I knew was that I was quickly losing my sanity and was coming within a hair's breadth of falling apart completely. Between Edward's never ending rapid fluctuations in his moods and behaviors, Drew's blatant insanity, the violence, the shocking amount of drugs, and my own chaotic whirlwind of emotions...I was at my breaking point.
In fact, I was pretty damn sure I'd passed it shortly after walking through the door and had been dangling from a thread ever since.
And that thread was about to snap.
"You go with him to find a shirt. I'm going to find his bag and try to salvage what I can. Then we're getting the fuck out of here in the quickness," Kyle muttered and then instantly spun on his heel to begin his search.
I grabbed a hold of Edward's hand and led him back into the bathroom, figuring he'd left his shirt in there when he'd showered, and picked it up off the edge of the sink. I held it up for him and helped him into it as he wobbled slightly when blinded by the fabric. If it wasn't such a sad sight, I probably would have laughed because it seemed his balance while in an altered state of mind that would have most people staggering around all over the place, was only affected when he couldn't see.
When it was finally on and tugged into place, he looked at me sheepishly and shuffled his feet in spot, glancing between the floor and my face.
"What is it, Edward?" I asked, slightly huffy and irritated with my inability to keep up with his nauseatingly rapid shifts in behaviors. Standing in front of me in that moment, he looked like a five year old that had to pee. Badly.
Admittedly, I was afraid of what random statement would fly out of his mouth, because Edward sober said some off the wall shit. There was no telling what Edward blitzed out of his mind would say, and so help me God if he asked me to hold it for him, I'd whack him upside the head with the toilet plunger.
"I missed you," he whispered, looking down at the floor and pouting as his hand slowly reached out toward mine that was dangling lifelessly at my side and hesitantly touched my fingertips.
I breathed a sigh of relief and laced my fingers through his, squeezing tightly as my eyes closed. "I missed you too...horribly."
"Let's roll," Kyle said as he popped his head around the corner. I nodded to him and led Edward out of the bathroom and out of the apartment, barely acknowledging Drew as I pulled him behind me forcefully when he felt the need to stop and apologize for the wall as well as say his goodbyes.
Rude? Possibly so, but chances were that fucktard wouldn't even remember it in a few hours anyway. He'd probably wake up the following morning and see the hole and say something asinine like "Whoa...cool I have a peephole in my spaceship. Wonder how that got there..."
Idiot...
Kyle led us to Edward's Volvo, insisting that he would drive it back to their apartment because he didn't want Edward to ever have to return here, and told Mandy to take off ahead of us.
By the time we reached the car, Edward was literally crumbling in my arms - his body going slack beside me as more of his weight fell onto the arm wrapped around my shoulders. I turned to place my hand on his cheek, gently pulling his face to look at me, but I'm quite sure he wasn't seeing me or anything else around us. His eyes were blank, vacant of all signs of life or emotion, lost completely to the cocktail of drugs floating through his bloodstream.
I ended up having to climb into the back seat beside Edward because he refused to relinquish the hold he had on me. His mind may not have registered that I was there, but his body clung to me like a life preserver.
As soon as we were in motion, Edward curled into me, his chin coming to rest on my collarbone while his face pressed against my neck. His arm snaked around my waist clutching me as tightly against him as he could manage in the cramped quarters of the backseat. I raised my free hand to the back of his head, running my fingers along base of his neck up into his hair, hoping the motion would be soothing to him in some way.
"Jesus motherfucking Christ…a dream…not fucking possible…fuck Drew give me…she left…piece of shit…" I heard Edward mumbled shaking his head as his arm around me flexed before relaxing into me as he continued with his jibberish. "Fuck…feels good…hands...so goddamn tired."
I was clueless what to do to help him at this point. When Edward was overly stressed and exhausted he tended to say some of his thoughts out loud without even realizing he was doing so, but it was never to this extreme. He needed to sleep, that much was obvious with the bruised bags under his eyes, but I didn't know how to help him get there. I wasn't sure he eve could sleep.
"Goddamn fucking soothing…"
Well, even if I couldn't lull him to sleep, at least my ministrations were helping so I continued, shifting our bodies so that his head fell into my lap. I wrapped my other arm around him, laying my hand flat against his chest and holding him tightly against me.
For some reason I felt that if I could keep a hold of him, keep him grounded, that somehow it would help him come back from wherever it was his mind had taken him. If nothing else, it served to keep me grounded because that tiny little thread that was holding me together was beginning to fray. Feeling his touch, his warmth, his heartbeat beneath my palm were the only things keeping me from bursting into tears at this very moment.
He's here - alive and in your arms, I reminded myself over and over again as I gazed down at the broken man with his head in my lap, brushing a stray lock of hair off his forehead.
I thought he might have actually fallen asleep but then he suddenly tensed, calling out in a wild strangled voice, "WHO THE FUCK IS TOUCHING ME?!"
I flinched at the sudden outburst and did my best to hold back the cry that threatened to escape, not wanting to alarm him even further. I released the hold I had around him, but oddly enough, he never made a move to escape. Instead, he sat there wide eyed and frozen, staring at the back of the seat in front of him for several minutes while muttering something about "Lola" and "scuff marks" before he relaxed back into my lap.
Then he did the strangest thing…he turned to nuzzle - like literally freakin nuzzle, sniffing and all - my hand that had stilled on top of his head.
"Can smell her…sunshine and fabric softener…fruity ass strawberry…cover myself in that fucking scent…" he sighed as he nudged my hand to continue rubbing the back of his scalp. I had to close my eyes, clenching them tight to hold in the tears.
A few weeks back we had spent over an hour in the soap isle of Walmart. Edward had said he didn't know why they bothered with so many different scents for woman because "fruity ass strawberry was fucking perfect" so why bother with an alternative. Strawberry. The scent of my body wash. He knew it was me, that's why he settled back down.
"Kill for a goddamn cheeseburger…strawberry shake…gross me the fuck out…mmm Bella….best shit in the world right there…"
He must have heard be sniffle because his head suddenly snapped around to look at me. Upon seeing my red-rimmed eyes, his brow furrowed as he raised his hand toward my face - the same hand he had thrown threw a wall not thirty minutes prior. He stopped his movement as soon as he caught sight of his injured hand.
"Hand bleeding...fucking paint….fake gore…b-rated horror flick...fucking fruit punch…" he rambled my tears completely forgotten as he began waving his hand in front of his face, trying to examine it from all angles.
I hesitantly raised my hand back to his neck and began teasing the hair at the nape of his neck once again for lack of anything else better to do. Once again resting comfortably in my lap he continued to jabber on nonsensically. "Motherfucker robbed me blind…ten fucking years…my Bella…fucking shitty ass attitude…mixing all these fucking drugs…Jesus...fucking crazy."
I don't know why I continued to torture myself by straining my ears in an effort to make out his every word, hoping I could make sense of what he was trying to say. He was clearly tweaked out of his mind and here I was sitting there thinking that if I could perhaps make out his words that I could somehow help him?
God I'm an idiot.
Nothing can help him, Bella. He's high on any number of drugs and for all you know heroin is one of them. You really think analyzing his mental process is going to somehow help the situation? It isn't going to do shit. He's fucked, and you can't do a damn thing to help him right now. Nothing. Nada. Just sit here and pretend like everything is going to be okay, and once you are home safe and sound at Kyle and Mandy's place you can lock yourself in the bathroom and have that little mental breakdown you so desperately want and most definitely deserve.
I'm seriously fucking losing it over here…how much farther to the apartment?
I looked up from Edward's crazed bronze hair and found, to my relief, that we were turning down the street of Kyle's apartment complex.
Now all I had to do his help him out of the car and into the apartment, and we are home free. Easy as pie right?
Wrong. So fucking wrong…
As soon as the car door opened and a breeze of fresh September air whirled its way through the car, Edward's eyes snapped open as he broke out in a menacing wail, "WHY WON'T HER FUCKING MEMORY STOP HAUNTING ME?! AND WHO THE FUCK'S HAND IS THAT?!"
My hand flew away from his body, left floating in mid air as Edward threw himself against the opposite side of the car. His eyes were wild as his hands swatted at the various part of his body I had been touching just moments before. I couldn't bring myself to reach out to stop him or tell him I wasn't a hallucination because his previously lifeless eyes had their spark back. And not just any old spark. They were aflame once again with pure hatred and zeroed in directly on me.
I was frozen in my seat terrified that with one wrong move on my part he would lash out at me. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as goose bumps broke out, crawling their way across my neck and down the length of my arms at the sight of him pressed flush against the door of the car - as far away from me as he could manage in such a small space.
All I could hear was the erratic pounding of my heart that was thrumming wildly in my chest, echoing the beat all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes as his eyes burned into my own. Painful tears pricked at my eyes, burning hot liquid filling them so suddenly that I couldn't stop the fat tears from pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
I held his gaze, unable to look away no matter how menacing he appeared, but as the seconds ticked by the fire behind his eyes grew dimmer and dimmer until there wasn't a single flicker left in them.
I can tell you the exact moment when my Edward returned because his entire being seemed to exhale in that breath, his face crestfallen as his body wilted against the car door. He immediately starting sputtering out his apologies.
"Oh god Bella…I am so, so sorry. Please don't cry…please? Shit…I didn't mean to… I'm sorry," he pleaded as he ever so slowly began to reach out to me once again, looking in my eyes the entire time for any hint of trepidation on my part.
"I would never ever fucking hurt you, I swear…I fucking promise. Not ever. Whether you're real or part of my fucking dreams, I would never…could never hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," he whispered as his fingers tentatively brushed against the back of mine before intertwining them.
I sniffled and blinked the remainder of the tears out of my eyes as he continued to chant "I'm sorry" over and over again in soft tones while slowly inching his way back over to me. Before he could curl back up in my lap, I figured now would be the best time to get out of the car and make our way into the apartment.
When I opened up the car door I was met with Kyle's sympathetic face. Apparently he trusted Edward enough not to hurt me, seeing as he had left us alone in the car despite Edward's latest insane outburst. I was grateful he had waited around for us though because Edward had used what was left of his dwindling energy during that last outburst, and he was officially dead on his feet. We had to literally drag him up the steps into the apartment while he continued to mutter his apologies to me and begged me not to leave him. Once inside I turned to head toward the bedroom, but Kyle stopped me pulling us towards the living room couch.
"I'd rather he slept it off out here, where I can keep an eye on him," he explained, unwrapping Edward's arm from around his shoulder as he lowered him onto the couch beside me.
Apparently sitting next to me just wasn't good enough for Edward in his current state because he proceeded to push against me until I was laying back down into the corner of the couch - at which point he flopped down on top of me, pinning me to the couch. He moved himself so that he was between my legs, lying on his stomach with his head resting on my stomach, his arms wrapped around my waist holding me tightly against him. The position on the couch was awkward and far from comfortable, but with all of his dead weight on top of me, I wasn't going anywhere.
Mandy and Kyle settled in on the other couch, conversing with one another in hushed voices. No doubt, Kyle was filling Mandy in on everything that had happened back at Drew's place.
I didn't bother to listen to them, instead turning my attention back to the man wrapped around my body. As soon as my hand settled into his hair, his mumblings started all over again, though this time the weren't nearly as off the wall.
"So tired...hand feels soooo fucking good...she's the only one…skin fucking tingle…fucking live wire…" he muttered, squeezing his arms around my waist as he peeked open an eye to look at me. "Just stay Bella...don't care…dream or not...just stay.
After a few minutes I could feel his breathing even out, his mumbling finally coming to a stop after breathing out a final "I need you."
I laid there silent and still for several minutes, the weight of the day pressing down heavily on my shoulders. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry alone for hours. But I couldn't do that…I couldn't leave him because not even two minutes would go by on the clock before Edward would lift his head off my stomach to check and make sure I was still there before sighing "Don't leave me" as he settled back down against me.
And every single damn time he did that a fresh wave of tears came pouring down my face. Over and over again I heard his tiny little raspy voice pleading for me to stay with him, and it was breaking my heart, chipping off another little piece of it each and every time he said those three little words.
Don't leave me….as if I ever could.
Kyle passed me a box of Kleenex as Mandy leaned over the couch arm to pull me into a one armed hug. I swallowed down the latest set of tears and cleared my throat, having completely forgotten they were even still in the room.
"Is he going to be okay?" I asked as I brushed a lock of his hair off his forehead, my voice thick with emotion.
"Yeah, give him a few days. It won't be easy, but he'll bounce back," Kyle assured me, smiling sadly in my direction.
"How can you be so sure?" I wondered aloud in a whisper, my brow furrowing. He saw the drugs, the pills, the needles…how could he be so sure that Edward was really going to be okay after all of that.
"Because he's done it before," he stated simply. I nodded in understanding, knowing Kyle wouldn't expand any further.
"Thank you," I stated, finally raising my eyes to look at him as a fresh set of tears made their way down my cheeks.
"It's nothing he wouldn't have done for me," Kyle replied with a shrug, trying to act nonchalant. I knew better though. Today I saw exactly how much he cared. "I may not approve of all of the choices he's made, but underneath it all he's a good guy. I'd never let him go down like that."
"Do you think that…" my voice broke as I trailed off, unable to finish the question that weighed most heavily on my mind. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and tried again. "Do you think that he would ever come after me…you know…the way he did you?"
"You mean…hit you?" He asked incredulously.
I nodded grimly. As much as I loved the man in my arms, I would not...could not stay with him if there was even a remote chance that he would ever lay a hand on me, no matter what influence he was under.
Kyle sighed heavily, shaking his head as his brow furrowed, taking a minute before answering my question. He didn't know my history but was obviously taking to heart the significance of what I was asking.
"Some drugs tend to make people volatile…obviously," he scoffed shaking his head at himself. "What I mean is...being under their influence of them can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do." He cleared his throat and continued. "But...from what I've witnessed about Edward, he'd hurt everyone around you before he'd ever even think of laying a hand on you. For him to come after me of all people, just for touching you? I don't think he would ever lay a hand on you, no matter how messed up he was."
A brief ghost of a smile crossed my lips, feeling reassured by his response, before returning my gaze back down at Edward who seemed to finally be resting peacefully in my arms. Kyle was right...I was almost certain of it. Edward was extraordinarily protective over me, no matter what his mental condition. I would have to broach the subject with Edward himself at some point, but for the time being, I felt much better about the whole thing.
"Hey Bella," Kyle asked, drawing my attention back towards him. "You think you'll be okay with him for a bit? I've got some errands I really need to run."
My eyes widened as I looked back down at Edward. What if he woke up? What if he started freaking out again? How would I…what would I…
He must have noticed my hesitation because Kyle answered my questions without me even asking. "Honestly I don't see him waking up for quite a while," he assured me, leaning over to pat my arm. "I'll be gone for two hours tops, and from the state he was in when we found him…he probably won't come back around for hours. I'd be surprised if he wakes up before tomorrow afternoon," he chuckled shaking his head.
"Oh," I responded, surprised. "Well if that's the case, do you think you could help get me out of here? I think my legs have already fallen asleep," I asked smiling sheepishly up at him.
Kyle left shortly after peeling me out from underneath Edward to run his errands, leaving Mandy and I to watch over him. He'd been right, Edward was dead to the world. He hadn't moved a muscle when they'd lifted him up a bit so I could slip out from under him.
Mandy settled in on the couch beside me and flipped on the TV. My attention remained on the broken man sleep on the couch across from me. I don't know how long I was spaced out, just sitting there watching him, but eventually Mandy brought me to the present my nudging me with her foot.
"Hey, he'll be fine," she reassured me.
Right…He'll be just dandy.
? POV
An officer burst into his boss's office looking pissed off and anxious. "The tables are turning...it's no longer in our favor," the man stated, slamming the door behind him in order to keep the conversation private.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Cullen still hasn't returned so I don't understand what you are saying."
"The shadow's being watched," the man snarled in reply as he plunked down into the chair beside his boss's desk. "There's more going on that what we originally thought. He's not a shadow, he's an accomplice."
That was not good news, maybe he was mistaken. "Do you have any proof?" he inquired.
"I can't get close enough to confirm because he's surrounded at all times." His jaw clenched as he answered. "If we move in now we can get the evidence," he suggested, knowing it was the best move strategically now that their position was compromised.
"You move in now and the minute Cullen's spotted he'll be killed on sight. They'll think he's the informant that led to the bust!" he roared, standing on his feet behind his desk. How dare his officer even suggest such a thing. Has he learned nothing during all of his time served beneath his command? "If they are watching his shadow but not making a move on him, they are watching him for the same reason we are…to find Cullen."
"It's our only shot," the man argued still believing it was their best option. "If we don't take him down, they will find Cullen before we do." He was sure of this as they had zero leads as to where Cullen had disappeared to for the past ten days.
"Take your focus off the shadow. Find Cullen. He's out there somewhere goddamn it…FIND HIM!" he roared, slamming his fist down on the desk in aggravation. "This kid is mine and I refuse to risk losing him to these god forsaken streets!"
"Why this kid? Why so much effort for just this one kid?" he asked curiously. His boss wasn't following procedure, and he wanted to know why.
"I told you before…it's personal," he growled, narrowing his eyes at the man before returning his attention back to the paperwork on his desk.
The officer saw himself out with a renewed vigor to find the missing Cullen boy. Whatever the Captain's underlying motives were would come to light eventually. For now, he'd follow his orders without further question. It was the least he could do for the one man that had been strong enough to help him turn his own life around.