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p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"What Gerick said to me a few nights ago was still echoing in my head. I didn't know how else to try and win Austin back. I was in a daze so bad that more than once Austin had to nudge me during performances to bring me back to the moment. I tried everything I could but my train of thought kept returning to Gerick. The last show of the week had ended and I called max as I was changing and getting off my makeup. I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long while before going out back to meet Max. Just as I got to the door he texted me to tell me he was there. I pulled my hood up and walked outside, completely ignoring Jenn and Scooter as they called to me. I texted Jenn to tell her I just needed to get out of there. On the way back to the hotel I kept starting to text Austin before deleting the message. I looked up when we stopped, unable to believe we had gotten back so quickly./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"We hadn't but across the street I saw a bar, after what seemed like an eternity debating I opened the divider to tell max I was getting out. He nodded and unlocked the doors. I asked him not to tell Jenn or Scooter before getting out. I pulled my hood up as I walked inside. A quick glance around told me no one recognized me, which was good. I sulked to the bar and sat down, looking around again. If it were a movie someone would have recognized me and ruined my night, but so far no one had, at least to my knowledge. After a few minutes the bartender noticed me and came over. "What can I do for you?" I shrugged and answered as quietly as I could. "Just a coke please" he nodded and walked away. I kept seeing him glance back at me, probably thinking I was a minor. Sure enough when he came back over he asked to see my id, even though I hadn't ordered alcohol yet. I reluctantly took out my wallet and crooked my finger for him to lean down. When he did I simply asked him not to make a big deal about me being there. He furrowed his brow in confusion but did a double take when he looked at my id. I nodded and sipped at my coke. He handed it back and walked away. I kept an eye on him in case I had to run out./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"I looked around the room. There were little groups of people all over the place. A group of girls who looked like they weren't even eighteen. A group of boys in the corner who looked like they'd rather be anywhere else right now but here. And on the dance floor, schmoozing to all the girls were a group of middle aged men who looked like they had daughters the same age as the girls they were hitting on. I turned back to the bar and almost jumped to see the bartender standing there. He held up a bottle of rum and nodded to my glass. I nodded in return and he topped off the half full glass of coke with it. I used my thumb to rub off the condensation forming on the glass. Right when I went to take a drink my phone vibrated. I rolled my eyes and pulled it out only to see Austin's name on the screen. I reluctantly decided to answer. "What" I knew it was rude, or that I should have said something else but I just didn't care right now. em"Where are you? I went to your dressing room and you were gone, and I went to your room when I got to the hotel and you weren't there"/em/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;""No I'm not" again, a short answer and still rude, I really didn't want to talk to Austin. I knew if I talked to him I would come up with something else to try and as Gerick said it wouldn't be good. I still wasn't too sure how much I agreed with him but for some reason I was still doing it. em"Are you at a bar?" /emI audibly sighed and took a big gulp of my drink. It burned slightly as it went down my throat. I took a deep breath before responding. "Yeah, I don't know which one, and please don't take it the wrong way but don't look for me" I hung up and shut my phone off. I finished my drink quickly and motioned to the bartender for another. While I waited for him to come back I looked down the bar. Two guys were sitting near the end of the bar holding hands. They looked so happy. One of them wiped whipped cream off his drink on the others nose. They laughed so hard I could hear it over the music. Watching them reminded me what I wanted with Austin. But I knew that I still had a long way to go and getting back together was nowhere near a sure thing./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"After a few hours and a dozen or so drinks I figured I should probably head back to my hotel. But when I got up I had next to no balance and almost fell over. Grabbing the brass bar attached to the counter just in time. I started laughing so hard and when I noticed people looking at me I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth. I finally managed to get myself outside and sat down on the curb waiting for my phone to turn on. I kept looking around to make sure no one had noticed me. I decided to start walking to the hotel, figuring it couldn't be too far away and knowing full well that Max wouldn't be up anymore. My phone finally turned on with a barrage text messages and missed calls, all from Austin except two, one from Cody and one from Jenn. I decided it best to ignore them until my phone rang again. It was Austin. I considered letting it go to voicemail making it the fourteenth missed call but decided I should probably answer it, before he called the cops to find me or something. "Hello?" I hadn't spoken in a few hours and even fully intoxicated I could hear my words slurring out of my mouth. em"All you have to say is 'hello'? I tried calling you twelve times and texting you even more but you just ignored me"/em I almost fell into the road, it was getting more and more difficult to walk with every step, but I kept going./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;""Yes, you were mad at me, so why do you care anyways?" I grabbed hold of a parking meter and threw up into the trash can on the sidewalk. I forgot for a minute that I was on the phone until Austin's voice came through the earpiece. em"Oh my god, yes I was mad, but more so embarrassed. But I also love you Justin" /emMy head was spinning and I was starting to get mad. I wasn't entirely sure why I just knew I was. I just hung up the phone again, I couldn't deal with being yelled at right now. I thought he had given up until it rang again. I rolled my eyes and look around for a store, or street sign. Finding one directly in front of me I answered the phone. Before he could say anything I told him where I was. He told me to stay where I was. I wasn't going to argue, I could barely stand anymore and my head was pounding. I stumbled to a covered bench for a bus stop and sat down so quickly I almost missed the bench completely. Soon enough, without warning, it began to rain. Making me all the more thankful that I chose to sit emhere/em. The rain pattered on the glass awning creating a soothing rhythm. I watched entranced as the rain dripped off the edge of the awning. My head was swirling like a carousel. I wasn't sure if it was from the amount of alcohol I drank or the fact that Austin had said he loved me. When I got to the bar initially, I did it so no one knew where I was. But by the time I got out I just wanted to be with someone. I absentmindedly started playing with the drawstring on my sweater as I watched cars race back and forth. The puddles slowly growing on the road would inevitably get smaller every time a car splashed through it. A mother walked past my holding her sons small hand. When he saw a puddle on the sidewalk he would stop, just for a second so his mother was a step ahead, then he could run and jump into it. I smiled to myself, remembering times I would jump in puddles outside my grandparents' house and getting yelled at every time I trekked muddy water into the house. What I never told anybody is I often found myself wishing I had never uploaded that first video on to YouTube. Not because I didn't like singing or performing. I just missed privacy, and not being pressured every day to be some kind of role model. Every time I did something wrong I got a barrage of phone calls and text messages telling me emhow/em bad it was; and how I let so many people down. My life was on display for the world to see, there was no other way to put it. The only reprieve I got from everything was when I was in my house, or when I was on tour, in my hotel room. As much as I wanted to live my life the way emI/em wanted to, people were always quick to remind me that I had a "duty" to my fans. About a month ago I got a call from Ricky Martin. He told me how his record label had told him not to come out because he was a "sex symbol" with a primarily female fan base. I was in the same boat and it was wrecking me inside. I buried my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms. I just about jumped through the roof when I felt the bench move. I abruptly looked over and saw Austin smiling a weak smile at me. I lunged forward and hugged him, crying instantly. The tears kept flowing like a faucet left running. He rubbed my back and told me it would be ok. He didn't try to stop me or rush me into getting up. He just sat there rubbing my back and brushing my hair from my face. I kept speaking in incoherent jumbled sentences. All he did was tell me "we could talk about it later". The more I cried the tighter I held on, not wanting to let go to the only good thing in my life. I suddenly became aware we were outside, and realized he probably didn't want anybody to see me crying as I was latched on to him. I sat up, wiped my eyes and scooted over. He grabbed my hand and held it. He motioned to the car, which I saw Max driving. I nodded meekly and followed him to the car. The door had barely closed before Max pulled away from the curb. Austin hadn't let go of my hand yet and I wasn't objecting. He broke the silence after about ten minutes by asking a question. "How much did you have to drink" I shrugged and tried recounting in my head. It was proving a difficult and daunting task, I finally settled on a number that seemed realistic, although I answered in a hushed town hoping he wouldn't hear me. "fourteen" His jaw dropped for a minute signifying that he had indeed heard me. He shook his head slowly and looked like he was going to ask something else but we had pulled up in front of the hotel. He reached across me and opened the door. I got out slowly, all the while still holding his hand. Austin thanked Max and waved goodbye. He let go of my hand for the first time and put his hand on my back, guiding me inside. Walking was proving to be especially difficult. I kept stumbling over my feet, and more than once almost tripped on the carpet runner in the lobby. He moved his hand off my back and looped his arm around mine. "Lean on me so you don't fall over" I didn't object at all and did as he told me. After much difficulty he got me into the elevator. Except for him telling me where to step, lean and stop the rest of the way to his room was spent in silence. When we got to his room he sat me on the bed and grabbed the cup sitting on the table. "Take off everything but your underwear and lay down." I nodded and did as he said as he went to the bathroom to get me water. I put my clothes onto the chair next to his bed and crawled under the covers. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, sitting straight up Austin quickly grabbed the ice bucket off the table and I threw up. When I was done I handed it back to him, shaking as I did so. He handed me a bottle of water, not the glass which I saw was sitting empty on the nightstand, which meant I had to have woken up at least once already. I drank about half the bottle and handed that back to him too. "Are you ok?" I nodded and immediately regretted it. I squeezed the blanket as hard as I could. Simply nodding had caused the headache I had to increase significantly. Once the pain had begun to subside I released my grip on the blanket and could almost feel the blood rushing back into my knuckles. I asked him what time it was and changed my tone to a low whisper almost immediately. He turned to check the clock on the table before turning back to me "Four thirty, you actually slept for a while, last time you woke up was around one" Three hours wasn't bad, but I knew I needed more sleep. I went to lay down, but before I could Austin laid down and pulled me down so my head was on his chest. Once again in the arms of the only person I wanted to be with, I drifted soundly back to sleep. /p
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p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"What Gerick said to me a few nights ago was still echoing in my head. I didn't know how else to try and win Austin back. I was in a daze so bad that more than once Austin had to nudge me during performances to bring me back to the moment. I tried everything I could but my train of thought kept returning to Gerick. The last show of the week had ended and I called max as I was changing and getting off my makeup. I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long while before going out back to meet Max. Just as I got to the door he texted me to tell me he was there. I pulled my hood up and walked outside, completely ignoring Jenn and Scooter as they called to me. I texted Jenn to tell her I just needed to get out of there. On the way back to the hotel I kept starting to text Austin before deleting the message. I looked up when we stopped, unable to believe we had gotten back so quickly./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"We hadn't but across the street I saw a bar, after what seemed like an eternity debating I opened the divider to tell max I was getting out. He nodded and unlocked the doors. I asked him not to tell Jenn or Scooter before getting out. I pulled my hood up as I walked inside. A quick glance around told me no one recognized me, which was good. I sulked to the bar and sat down, looking around again. If it were a movie someone would have recognized me and ruined my night, but so far no one had, at least to my knowledge. After a few minutes the bartender noticed me and came over. "What can I do for you?" I shrugged and answered as quietly as I could. "Just a coke please" he nodded and walked away. I kept seeing him glance back at me, probably thinking I was a minor. Sure enough when he came back over he asked to see my id, even though I hadn't ordered alcohol yet. I reluctantly took out my wallet and crooked my finger for him to lean down. When he did I simply asked him not to make a big deal about me being there. He furrowed his brow in confusion but did a double take when he looked at my id. I nodded and sipped at my coke. He handed it back and walked away. I kept an eye on him in case I had to run out./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"I looked around the room. There were little groups of people all over the place. A group of girls who looked like they weren't even eighteen. A group of boys in the corner who looked like they'd rather be anywhere else right now but here. And on the dance floor, schmoozing to all the girls were a group of middle aged men who looked like they had daughters the same age as the girls they were hitting on. I turned back to the bar and almost jumped to see the bartender standing there. He held up a bottle of rum and nodded to my glass. I nodded in return and he topped off the half full glass of coke with it. I used my thumb to rub off the condensation forming on the glass. Right when I went to take a drink my phone vibrated. I rolled my eyes and pulled it out only to see Austin's name on the screen. I reluctantly decided to answer. "What" I knew it was rude, or that I should have said something else but I just didn't care right now. em"Where are you? I went to your dressing room and you were gone, and I went to your room when I got to the hotel and you weren't there"/em/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;""No I'm not" again, a short answer and still rude, I really didn't want to talk to Austin. I knew if I talked to him I would come up with something else to try and as Gerick said it wouldn't be good. I still wasn't too sure how much I agreed with him but for some reason I was still doing it. em"Are you at a bar?" /emI audibly sighed and took a big gulp of my drink. It burned slightly as it went down my throat. I took a deep breath before responding. "Yeah, I don't know which one, and please don't take it the wrong way but don't look for me" I hung up and shut my phone off. I finished my drink quickly and motioned to the bartender for another. While I waited for him to come back I looked down the bar. Two guys were sitting near the end of the bar holding hands. They looked so happy. One of them wiped whipped cream off his drink on the others nose. They laughed so hard I could hear it over the music. Watching them reminded me what I wanted with Austin. But I knew that I still had a long way to go and getting back together was nowhere near a sure thing./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;"After a few hours and a dozen or so drinks I figured I should probably head back to my hotel. But when I got up I had next to no balance and almost fell over. Grabbing the brass bar attached to the counter just in time. I started laughing so hard and when I noticed people looking at me I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth. I finally managed to get myself outside and sat down on the curb waiting for my phone to turn on. I kept looking around to make sure no one had noticed me. I decided to start walking to the hotel, figuring it couldn't be too far away and knowing full well that Max wouldn't be up anymore. My phone finally turned on with a barrage text messages and missed calls, all from Austin except two, one from Cody and one from Jenn. I decided it best to ignore them until my phone rang again. It was Austin. I considered letting it go to voicemail making it the fourteenth missed call but decided I should probably answer it, before he called the cops to find me or something. "Hello?" I hadn't spoken in a few hours and even fully intoxicated I could hear my words slurring out of my mouth. em"All you have to say is 'hello'? I tried calling you twelve times and texting you even more but you just ignored me"/em I almost fell into the road, it was getting more and more difficult to walk with every step, but I kept going./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 13.0pt 0in;""Yes, you were mad at me, so why do you care anyways?" I grabbed hold of a parking meter and threw up into the trash can on the sidewalk. I forgot for a minute that I was on the phone until Austin's voice came through the earpiece. em"Oh my god, yes I was mad, but more so embarrassed. But I also love you Justin" /emMy head was spinning and I was starting to get mad. I wasn't entirely sure why I just knew I was. I just hung up the phone again, I couldn't deal with being yelled at right now. I thought he had given up until it rang again. I rolled my eyes and look around for a store, or street sign. Finding one directly in front of me I answered the phone. Before he could say anything I told him where I was. He told me to stay where I was. I wasn't going to argue, I could barely stand anymore and my head was pounding. I stumbled to a covered bench for a bus stop and sat down so quickly I almost missed the bench completely. Soon enough, without warning, it began to rain. Making me all the more thankful that I chose to sit emhere/em. The rain pattered on the glass awning creating a soothing rhythm. I watched entranced as the rain dripped off the edge of the awning. My head was swirling like a carousel. I wasn't sure if it was from the amount of alcohol I drank or the fact that Austin had said he loved me. When I got to the bar initially, I did it so no one knew where I was. But by the time I got out I just wanted to be with someone. I absentmindedly started playing with the drawstring on my sweater as I watched cars race back and forth. The puddles slowly growing on the road would inevitably get smaller every time a car splashed through it. A mother walked past my holding her sons small hand. When he saw a puddle on the sidewalk he would stop, just for a second so his mother was a step ahead, then he could run and jump into it. I smiled to myself, remembering times I would jump in puddles outside my grandparents' house and getting yelled at every time I trekked muddy water into the house. What I never told anybody is I often found myself wishing I had never uploaded that first video on to YouTube. Not because I didn't like singing or performing. I just missed privacy, and not being pressured every day to be some kind of role model. Every time I did something wrong I got a barrage of phone calls and text messages telling me emhow/em bad it was; and how I let so many people down. My life was on display for the world to see, there was no other way to put it. The only reprieve I got from everything was when I was in my house, or when I was on tour, in my hotel room. As much as I wanted to live my life the way emI/em wanted to, people were always quick to remind me that I had a "duty" to my fans. About a month ago I got a call from Ricky Martin. He told me how his record label had told him not to come out because he was a "sex symbol" with a primarily female fan base. I was in the same boat and it was wrecking me inside. I buried my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms. I just about jumped through the roof when I felt the bench move. I abruptly looked over and saw Austin smiling a weak smile at me. I lunged forward and hugged him, crying instantly. The tears kept flowing like a faucet left running. He rubbed my back and told me it would be ok. He didn't try to stop me or rush me into getting up. He just sat there rubbing my back and brushing my hair from my face. I kept speaking in incoherent jumbled sentences. All he did was tell me "we could talk about it later". The more I cried the tighter I held on, not wanting to let go to the only good thing in my life. I suddenly became aware we were outside, and realized he probably didn't want anybody to see me crying as I was latched on to him. I sat up, wiped my eyes and scooted over. He grabbed my hand and held it. He motioned to the car, which I saw Max driving. I nodded meekly and followed him to the car. The door had barely closed before Max pulled away from the curb. Austin hadn't let go of my hand yet and I wasn't objecting. He broke the silence after about ten minutes by asking a question. "How much did you have to drink" I shrugged and tried recounting in my head. It was proving a difficult and daunting task, I finally settled on a number that seemed realistic, although I answered in a hushed town hoping he wouldn't hear me. "fourteen" His jaw dropped for a minute signifying that he had indeed heard me. He shook his head slowly and looked like he was going to ask something else but we had pulled up in front of the hotel. He reached across me and opened the door. I got out slowly, all the while still holding his hand. Austin thanked Max and waved goodbye. He let go of my hand for the first time and put his hand on my back, guiding me inside. Walking was proving to be especially difficult. I kept stumbling over my feet, and more than once almost tripped on the carpet runner in the lobby. He moved his hand off my back and looped his arm around mine. "Lean on me so you don't fall over" I didn't object at all and did as he told me. After much difficulty he got me into the elevator. Except for him telling me where to step, lean and stop the rest of the way to his room was spent in silence. When we got to his room he sat me on the bed and grabbed the cup sitting on the table. "Take off everything but your underwear and lay down." I nodded and did as he said as he went to the bathroom to get me water. I put my clothes onto the chair next to his bed and crawled under the covers. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, sitting straight up Austin quickly grabbed the ice bucket off the table and I threw up. When I was done I handed it back to him, shaking as I did so. He handed me a bottle of water, not the glass which I saw was sitting empty on the nightstand, which meant I had to have woken up at least once already. I drank about half the bottle and handed that back to him too. "Are you ok?" I nodded and immediately regretted it. I squeezed the blanket as hard as I could. Simply nodding had caused the headache I had to increase significantly. Once the pain had begun to subside I released my grip on the blanket and could almost feel the blood rushing back into my knuckles. I asked him what time it was and changed my tone to a low whisper almost immediately. He turned to check the clock on the table before turning back to me "Four thirty, you actually slept for a while, last time you woke up was around one" Three hours wasn't bad, but I knew I needed more sleep. I went to lay down, but before I could Austin laid down and pulled me down so my head was on his chest. Once again in the arms of the only person I wanted to be with, I drifted soundly back to sleep. /p
/div