A/N: Hey all. I'm still getting the next act in order. While you wait, please feel free to gorge yourself upon these truly magnificent Naruto crossovers I wrote. I gotta hand it to myself – I'm pretty sure these are better than the actual story I ended up writing.

"Sakura, Sakura! Wake up!"

Sakura jolted wide awake as Naruto grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Wh-what? Are we under attack?"

"No," said Naruto, visibly shaking. "I think we've been transported to another dimension where magic is real. Look!" He unclasped his hand, which glowed with a pale blue light, and looked pleadingly at her. "What's it all mean? Am I gonna have to go to secret wizard school and learn to control my hidden powers?"

Sakura fell back onto her bedroll and groaned. "Naruto, you've always been able to do that. You learned how to control chakra back at the academy, you just slept through all of the lessons, remember?"

"Oh, right," Naruto said sheepishly. "Guess I forgot."

Meanwhile, in Hogwarts…

"Hermione, I think something's gone terribly wrong," Ron cried. "I can't use magic anymore – I think I musta been transported to an alternate reality where I'm some kinda sports star instead, because all of a sudden I'm super agile and stuff!"

Hermione buried her face into her book, desperately trying to block out the wailing face from her field of vision. "Ron, when have you ever solved your problems with magic? We usually drop our wands at the first sign of trouble while Harry runs around hitting things with a sword. And in all honestly, I've always suspected you of being a secret squib – I mean, you don't even read."

"Oh right," Ron said, dazedly. "I guess that explains why most of my memories involve me playing some kinda air football. So hey, I guess the Quidditch tryouts should be a breeze for me now, huh?"

Back in the Naruto world…

"Sasuke! Sasuke, wake up! We've definitely gotten transported for real this time – I just got back from a magical adventure where me and my friends defeated a nightmarish villain using nothing but the power of friendship!"

Sasuke groaned into his pillow, not even bothering to look up. "Naruto, you've always been able to do that. I can count at least six cases where you turned a psychotic homicidal monster to your side just by talking to them while punching them in the face until they agreed with you."

"Oh right," Naruto said, dazedly. "I guess that's true. But this time, Sakura is literally out there in the meadows riding around on some kind of sparkly pony while going 'weeeeeeeee, I'm a unicorn princess!'"

"She probably just found the unicorn contract or something," Sasuke grunted. "I mean, she has pink hair, what did you expect?"

"But that's impossible," cried the great and powerful Trixie, still fuming from her recent defeat. "What about the pony who played ten instruments at the same time? Nopony could do that!"

"Oh, that's just Pinky Pie," Twilight Sparkle said idly. "She's always been a ninja."

Meanwhile, in a slightly more rational Hogwarts…

"Sso the way I ssee it Professsor, prophessiess three and four ssay that I will win no matter what I do, but there iss conflict with prophessiess one and two which ssays that I will have a choice. Alsso, father-of-boy-child-friend-guy sseemss to think I am other long dead evil persson, but iss probably not important. Can't be ssure though, becausse I don't have paper and pencil and never write any of the million plotss that go on in thiss sschool down."

Harry potter coolly gazed at the serpentine form of the defence professor, his emerald green eyes meeting the pale white eyes of the snake staring back at him. Older and wiser those eyes looked, ever since the enemy – whomever that foul fiend was – had conjured an influenza virus within the corridors of Hogwarts and killed every single person within the school who had not been raised by muggles and therefore missed vaccination. Curse that unidentified evil person! I have no choice, I will have to grow even darker and edgier to meet this new challenge! And then I'll bring everyone back with this edo-tensei spell the professor talked about.

There was a blur of motion as the white snake transformed into a pale man, with long black hair and yellow serpentine eyes. "You will figure it out in time, Harry potter, I'm sure of it." The defence professor snaked around the boy-who-lived and started to give him a friendly backrub. "So smart you are, so unlike the other boys your age..."

"I am lucky to have found a true friend like you, professor Orochimaru. The other teachers just don't understand me the way you do. You, at least, I can trust to be rational. All of my other so-called friends just talk random nonsense, like, 'Oh that guy Orochimaru, he turns into a snake, don't trust him Harry'."

Harry's musings were interrupted by a stirring that occurred somewhere beneath his clothes. "Uh, professor Orochimaru? Could you please remove your snake from my pants? It's somewhat disturbing."

"Ssssorry..."

"Kakashi-sensei! Sensei, please wake up!"

Hatake Kakashi pretended to jolt awake when his student shook him, though of course he had been fully conscious and alert for intruders the entire time. "Whu- what? What is it, Sakura?"

"I think Naruto must be right after all – we've been transferred to another dimension! I just went outside to take a soothing walk at dusk, and suddenly there was this ghostly creature of the night, beautiful yet terrible in his aura of dark malevolence, gazing sullenly into the distance as he contemplated his dire affliction, the pale moonlight reflecting off his cool ivory skin and scattering radiant sparkles through the midnight gloom."

Kakashi regarded her calmly. "Do you mean Sasuke? He's always been a vampire."

"What?" Sakura blinked. "That can't be right, everybody knows that vampires have hypnotic crimson eyes and – okay, no wait, that part makes sense, but if he were a vampire he would be prone to violent emotional outbursts and an irrational hunger for blood, and his family would be involved in dark rituals to gain forbidden power while seeking ways to survive their own bodily deaths, and…" She slowly trailed off. "But then… if the Uchiha have red eyes because they are all vampires, how did you–"

Kakashi pulled off his mask to reveal the spot where his teammate Obito had bitten him.

"Gaaaaaaah!"

"Bella?" The vampire gazed at her solemnly. "I think I just became even more perfect."

"That's great, Edward. Now shut up and do me already."

Shwooop…

"Oh crap guys, I think we got transported again," Naruto said, casting his gaze around wildly. "This time it looks like we're stuck in some kinda futuristic dystopia. I mean, look at those high-tech cathedrals, the dilapidated buildings… what a terrible and depressing way to live!"

Sasuke sighed. "Naruto, that's how the Uchiha universe has always looked. We have electricity, trains, and you even have a television in your apartment for Kami's sake. We're probably just somewhere in the Land of Rain."

Sakura gave him a skeptical look. "The Uchiha universe?"

"Hey, it fits, doesn't it?" Sasuke shrugged. "I mean, the universe clearly revolves around me and my clan, so…"

Naruto ignored them both. "Look at this newspaper. It's worse than I thought: There's war and famine everywhere, and the most blatantly evil politicians I've ever heard of are in charge of the world. We must have gotten transported into one of Jiraiya's dystopian fantasy novels – there's no way anyone would tolerate such a horrific state of affairs in anything approximating the real world."

"Be quiet," Sakura hissed. "Do you want Ibiki to disappear you like he did Mizuki? The Hyūga's eyes see everywhere, watching your every word and movement and especially the stuff you write on Ninjanet."

Naruto was about to reply, but right in that moment a frightened girl crashed into him. "Ow. Hey!"

"Get out of the way!" the girl said as she stumbled back onto her feet. She was wearing a grey outfit which looked like it was made of spider webbing, which would make her the owner of this world's spider summoning contract Naruto supposed. "Get out of here! The Slaughterhouse Nine are on their way."

"The who?" asked Sakura. "Huh. I guess we're in an alternate world after all; no self-respecting ninja would name their organization something that crass and uncivilized."

"Yeah," said Sasuke, "I guess it all just sounded so familiar, it totally threw me for a loop."

"Wait, hold on." Naruto hastily dusted himself off as he got his thoughts in order. "These slaughterhouse types – what're they like, exactly?"

"You don't know the Slaughterhouse Nine? They're a group of nine monstrous psychopaths, who go around killing people and destabilizing the world." She squinted at the group suspiciously. "How can you not know that? Are you even real capes? I mean, you certainly dress campily enough, but…"

"Nine monstrous villains?" Naruto's eyes widened. "Akatsuki!" He slammed his fist into his palm and cursed. "There must be an alternate version of them in this world as well: We've got to protect these poor innocent civilians – they'll be totally helpless at the hands of those ruthless rogue ninjas."

"What? No, listen," said the girl. "They're not called Akatsuki, unless that's the Japanese name for them or something. I'm talking about the worst villains you can possibly imagine: They have this genius scientist who transformed himself into a living puppet–"

"Sasori of the Red Sand," Sakura breathed. "They say his unliving armies grow daily."

"–and then there's this medical genius who specializes in body horrors, experimenting on the innocent and creating ever new abominations to unleash upon the world–"

"Orochimaru of the Sannin," Naruto intoned grimly. "So he's a member, after all."

"–and I don't really know what secret powers their leader has, but he always guides the group from the shadows, manipulating everyone and twisting them to his own purposes, turning friends into foes and cutting entire families apart with a single word or sweep of his blade."

Sasuke froze on the spot, the sunlight sparkling forebodingly off his ivory skin. "That man!"

"So it's true, then," said Sakura. "Naruto, you were right all along – I'm sorry for ever doubting you."

The foreign girl was about to protest, but right in that moment the entire city was swallowed by a tidal wave as a giant monstrous fish-creature roared its challenge from atop of a rising Tsunami.

"You must flee," the mysterious girl spluttered as she was dragged under by the waves. "It's Leviathan, the Endbringer – the doom of Tokyo. All hope is lost!"

"Kami damnit," Naruto growled as the surging waters swept him and his team away. "Kisame is so friggin' hax!"