Gaara had neglected to put on a shirt, but opted instead to throw his Kage robe on over his bare chest. Perhaps it was foolish of her, but Sakura dragged her feet as she walked, prolonging their nearness because once she left in the morning she knew it would be a while before she would see him again.
Even though she felt acutely aware of her own emotional limits, she felt stupid for wanting to leave and wanting to stay by his side at the same time. It was illogical and confusing and she hated having this internal battle with herself over something so small. Was it really that hard to just not kiss him? She could stay, couldn't she? Just so she could enjoy his company a little longer and not disappoint him?
"You must think I'm an idiot," she muttered as they pattered down the dim corridor.
"Yeah," he affirmed.
She reached her hand out to shove him, but thought better of it and retracted her hand. Gaara watched, amusement glinting in his eyes.
"Don't want to touch me?" he asked.
"I want to touch you too much," she mumbled bitterly.
Gaara's smile was warm and affectionate and Sakura felt her resilience wavering. One more kiss wouldn't hurt… Or maybe she could just reach over and entwine their fingers together. It wasn't nearly as intense as a kiss, but perhaps it would alleviate some of that desire.
"Have you considered touching yourself?" he asked.
She peered at him through narrowed eyes, trying to determine whether or not he was joking. At first he seemed amused, but the longer she glared at him, the more his expression shifted to something less confident, more bashful. He reached his hand up to rub anxiously at the back of his sleep-tousled hair, exposing more of his chest for her perusal.
"All the time," she answered, encouraged by his shyness. "I'm sure tonight will be no different."
Gaara's eyes widened with surprise. "You do that every night?"
Sakura shrugged. "Is that weird?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious about her libido. She assumed boys would have a higher libido than she had, but maybe that wasn't necessarily true. Gaara had indicated that self-pleasure wasn't something he often indulged in, if at all. Maybe she'd had the wrong idea about boys this whole time.
Gaara shook his head. "You're a surprising person, Sakura," he said. "I wish you could stay longer so I could get to know you better."
"You could move to Konoha," she suggested.
"Of course," he chuckled. "Why didn't I think of that?"
Sakura slowed her pace even more as they approached her bedroom door. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet.
"Sakura," he said, his voice becoming more serious. "This thing we're doing… it doesn't have to be so serious, you know. I don't want it to be a source of pain for you. It doesn't have to be painful."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that as long as we have realistic expectations then we don't have to worry about how hard or painful it might be," he answered. "We both know that we can't be together. But being together doesn't have to be our endgame."
"What are you suggesting?" she asked with dangerously narrowed eyes.
He turned away from her, his cheeks red and his arms pulled across his chest self-consciously. It was insufferably adorable, but she had an idea of where he was going and she wasn't so sure she was into the idea.
"You're going to go into your room and slip under your covers and you're going to touch yourself while you think about me," he said, the redness in his cheeks spreading over his entire face, all the way to the tips of his ears. She could see his pulse racing wildly in his neck. His embarrassment belied the arrogance of his words, and she couldn't contest them because they both knew it was true.
"But would it be that much worse if I was the one touching you?" he asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.
"So you want to fuck me?" she demanded.
"We don't have to— we don't have to do that," he answered. "But like I said before, being near you and touching you… it's a high I've never experienced before. I used to think killing, spilling blood was the most exhilarating feeling in the world. But it doesn't even come close to the way I felt when you touched my face when we were trapped underground. It may be selfish, but I want to experience as much of that as I can before you leave."
For all the possible answers he could have given to her question, she couldn't have been prepared for that.
"But—"
"It's okay if your answer is no," he said quickly, with concern that bordered on charming. Of course she could say no. She already knew that. He might be the Kazekage, but he wouldn't force himself on her and she knew him well enough to know that. "I mean I want you to want it, too."
"Oh," she said lamely, wholly unable to process this weird turn of events. This was the exact opposite of what she had wanted, but it sounded so enticing now that he was presenting her with the idea. And he looked so charming fumbling like an idiot for the right words to convince her to fuck him.
And she found herself not needing much convincing because he was right. What difference would it make if she let him touch her instead of doing in herself? Her feelings wouldn't go away just because he wasn't next to her. It was just as unhealthy to think of him as it was to let him touch her.
She recognized the mistake she was about to make, but he was standing right in front of her, shirtless and practically begging to be fucked and how could she deny him that when she wanted it so badly too? What if she never got an opportunity like this again? How much would she regret not chasing this high?
"This is going to hurt like hell," she warned. She didn't give him a chance to respond before she gripped the collar of his robe and pulled him down into a kiss.
Gaara seemed surprised by her volition, gasping into her mouth as she threw her arms around his neck. She used her strength to pull herself up off the ground, hanging from his shoulders. Instantly his hands were around her waist, holding her up so he could press her up against the door.
It was clear from the shake of his hands and the harshness of his breath that he had no idea what he was doing. Sakura couldn't tell for sure whether she knew any more than he did – the vast majority of her sexual knowledge came from Kakashi's collection of perverted books, so perhaps she wasn't as knowledgeable as she had hoped.
It didn't matter, though, because she wasn't too worried about doing things the right way. This was about pleasure, electricity, that high they were both blindly chasing. Who cared if they did things wrong?
Sakura wrapped her legs around his torso and squeezed her thighs tightly, pressing her body as close to his as it could go.
He broke away from her mouth panting desperately as he fought to regain control of the situation. "Not here in the open," he said.
Sakura nodded in agreement and dropped back to the floor, flinging the door open behind her.
But instead of following her inside, Gaara paused in the doorway, his ears perked. She watched his eyes widen minutely as he listened to something, frozen in place.
"Gaara?" she whispered. "What's wrong?"
Gaara's brow furrowed and then his eyes darkened. She watched the grit of his teeth, the way the muscles in his neck and his jaw clenched tightly with repressed rage. Sakura, too, listened to hear whatever it was that was bothering him, but heard nothing but silence in the empty corridor.
"Hey," she said, reaching for his hand. "What's the matter?"
Wordlessly, he pointed toward the door across from them. Shikamaru's door. Sakura strained to hear what was happening on the other side, but she had a feeling she already knew.
"Is Temari in there?" she asked.
Gaara inhaled deeply without saying a word, but the dark expression on his face told her everything she needed to know. She giggled, amused by his rage over something so small.
"Come on," she said, "you can't possibly want to deny her the very thing you're trying to get from me now."
His eyes bore into hers, sharp, heated, and a little angry.
"You know they really like each other," she continued. "Don't be so angry. You're spoiling the mood. Besides, they're probably already finished and fast asleep. It's too late to do anything about it now. Not that you should."
He glanced back toward Shikamaru's door, his expression wavering slightly.
"Come here," she said, linking her hand around his forearm and pulling him over the threshold of the door. "I'll help you forget all about them."
He allowed her to pull him inside and shut the door behind them. "You changed your tune pretty quick," he said, eying her skeptically.
"I was a virgin when I got here, but I don't want to be one when I leave," she said pointedly. "With regards to what you said earlier, I've lowered my expectations. This is not a romantic relationship and we don't love each other. But I can't get you out of my head and I really want to fuck you. And I know you want to fuck me, too."
"Can you stop saying it like that?" he asked with a scowl.
She laughed. "Like what? Fuck?"
His scowl deepened, but then it turned to a frown before morphing into a look of dejection. His lips curled downward with displeasure as he cast his eyes away from her. "Maybe this is a mistake," he said.
"Oh," she said. She couldn't disagree, but she felt the stab of rejection acutely.
With a resigned sigh, Gaara moved to sit on the foot of her bed, patting the mattress beside him. Sakura obliged, unsure of whether there was really an option.
"I can't get you out of my head either, Sakura," he admitted. "And if I can't do that now, how will I be able to do it after this? After you leave?"
"Oh?" she said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, trying to brighten the mood that had darkened enough to suck the life right out of the room. "You're falling in love with me, aren't you? Can't say I blame you."
"Do you think Shikamaru and Temari are in love?"
Sakura shrugged. "Maybe," she replied. "It wouldn't surprise me."
"How do they manage it?" he asked, "The distance."
"One day at a time, I suppose."
Gaara sighed again and took her hand in his, holding it tightly in his lap. Sakura fixed her gaze on their entwined fingers, watching as he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. It was soothing, but also a little exhilarating in its intimacy – a closeness she hadn't really shared with anyone else before. Perhaps she had been wrong about holding hands being less intimate than a kiss.
"Sakura, I don't want to fuck you," he said. She frowned. "I mean I do," he said quickly, seeing the look on her face. "Just not like this. Being near you is enough, I think."
Sakura nodded, because she, like him, would never pressure him into doing something he didn't want to do. And they both seemed to recognize that this was a mistake. An enticing one, but a mistake nonetheless.
"Okay," she conceded. "But will you stay here with me for a little bit?"
He laughed. "I thought you wanted to get away from me."
"Only so I wouldn't be tempted to touch you," she argued. "But now you've rejected me, so I'm not worried about it anymore."
"I didn't reject you," he said dryly. "I retracted an offer that I made in the first place."
"Fine, Gaara-sama. Whatever you say."
They were silent for a moment. His grip on her hand tightened and she couldn't look away from it, entranced by the way just the stroke of his thumb over her finger was sending butterflies whirling about in her stomach.
"Is your skin this soft because you're a medic?" he asked softly, the casual tone of his voice returning to keep the mood light.
"No, it's because I'm a girl."
The silence felt almost deafening now. It was a little awkward to sit there not knowing what to do. If they weren't going to sleep together, were they just going to sit here and uneasily stare at one another?
"I hope you don't take this offensively," he said after a second, "but if I had known all this was going to happen, I wouldn't have requested you for this mission."
"Yes, the sand beast and the catacombs were quite a surprise," she agreed, "and a little outside my area of expertise."
"That's not what I meant."
"So what did you mean?" she asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear him say it out loud.
"I hadn't factored your horniness into the equation," he said dryly, "and even if I had, I couldn't have predicted it would affect me so deeply. All those pent up feelings you've harbored for Sasuke seem to have translated to an unslakable lust. I wrongly assumed that this lack of genuine affection for me would make it easier for me to keep my distance, but unfortunately I find myself not caring that Sasuke is the one you prefer."
"I have plenty of affection for you, dipshit."
He glared at her, but its intensity was muted by the way he continued to stroke his thumb over her finger. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Sakura stopped him before he could.
"What kind of fool would I be to prefer Sasuke over you?" she asked. She knew exactly why he would think that, and Sakura wasn't so sure that if she was presented with both a Gaara and a Sasuke that wanted her equally that she would legitimately choose Gaara over her childhood crush. But that wasn't what she was presented with. She was hardly presented with either of them at all – one a missing-nin whose annoyance with her was infinite, and the other a foreign Kage with far too much on his plate to have time for the likes of her.
"Don't lie right to my face, Sakura," he said. His thumb froze, but he kept his fingers curled around hers.
"So you think I'll do this forever?" she demanded. "Pine after Sasuke and never move on? Do you think Sasuke will change his mind about me or do you suppose I'll just be alone forever?"
"Sakura, that's not—"
"Why do you have such an obsession with my relationship with Sasuke, anyway?" she interrupted.
"Because you have an obsession with him," he growled. "You know I'm not particularly fond of him, but I am fond of you and I don't want to compete with him for you. I've been denied enough love for a lifetime. I don't need my first attempt at it to be a loss before it's even started."
She was stunned into silence by his harsh words, enraged a little that he would think of her as a prize to compete with Sasuke over. But she was also sympathetic because she couldn't deny the nature of her relationship with Sasuke, and he wasn't wrong to fear rejection or the loss of love.
"Look, Sakura," he began, taking her other hand and pulling it into his lap. "Whatever is happening here, I know it isn't serious. But that doesn't mean that it won't hurt and I know you know that, too. I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with this kind of loss right now, and that's why I think this is a mistake. But that doesn't change the fact that I still… I still like being around you. And I still want to kiss you all the time."
Sakura swallowed, repressing a sudden swell of emotion in her chest that threatened to spill tears if she couldn't keep it under control.
"I wish I could have a genuine shot with you," he said, his tone a little softer. He resumed stroking her hand, but Sakura pulled her hands back into her own lap, sure she couldn't handle those ministrations again. "But I can't. Not when we're so far apart."
"A three day journey isn't really that far," she said, the lightness of her tone belying the heaviness in her heart.
Gaara let out a short, sardonic laugh.
"I'm serious," she said with a scowl. "Temari and Shikamaru seem to be handling it just fine."
"Sure," he agreed, "that might be working for now. But eventually, they'll want to be closer together. What if they want to get married? One of them will have to move."
"Who said anything about marriage?" she asked. "I get that you're the Kazekage and you can't just have casual flings, but we can be casual without being a fling."
"We're already well past casual," he said dryly.
"That's only because you're so dramatic," she said teasingly.
Gaara cracked a smile because they both knew she was the dramatic one and in spite of all their uncertainty about things, at least they could recognize things for what they were.
She didn't want to argue anymore, or whatever it was that made this conversation so terse and weird, so with a sigh she laid her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. She felt him tense up beside her, which she found so strange after she had literally had her legs wrapped around his waist and her tongue in his mouth just moments ago. But then after a moment he relaxed and rested his cheek against the top of her head.
"You must be exhausted," he murmured.
She hummed her agreement and shifted a little closer to him. His warmth was comforting, as was the timbre of his voice and in spite of what he thought, she did have a huge amount of affection for him that made her feel soothed by his presence. She could easily imagine herself lulled to sleep as he stroked her hand with his thumb.
"Come on," he said softly, shifting his arm behind her until she was cradled in the nook of his arm. "You should get some sleep. You've got a long journey ahead of you tomorrow."
Sakura didn't protest, even though she had already decided she wasn't quite ready to go home yet. She let him help her ease back into the bed, her head falling unceremoniously onto the silk covered pillow.
"Goodnight, Sakura," he said, brushing the hair away from her face.
"No, you said you'd stay with me," she said, sitting back up to reach out for him.
"Did I?"
She pouted, crossing her arms with an exaggerated huff. When his only response to her hissy fit was a raised brow, Sakura grabbed his arm and dragged him back over to the bed. She pushed him down against the mattress, and he let her, though he seemed displeased.
"This seems like a bad idea," he mumbled.
"Shush," she said, joining him on the mattress and laying her head against his chest. "Just until I go to sleep."
He didn't respond, though Sakura knew he probably wasn't too into this idea. But a second later she felt his palm come to rest on her lower back and he pulled the covers up over them both.
"Goodnight, Gaara."
"Goodnight, Sakura."
/
The next morning Sakura woke up to an empty bed, though she could feel that the spot next to her was still warm so Gaara couldn't have left too long ago. She sat there unmoving, wondering whether last night had been a mistake. She had been a tad abrasive and dramatic, and the guilt felt a lot like a hangover. She could feel her head pounding and her chest heavy with regret.
Groggily, she rolled out of bed and quickly dressed herself. She was at a loss for what to do with herself now. She had planned on leaving, but now she wasn't so sure she wanted to. Besides, what would Sarabi think if Sakura just left her here?
Deciding it would probably be in her best interest to head down to the infirmary to help out where she would be the most appreciated, Sakura flung open her bedroom door only to find Hideki waiting for her on the other side, propped against the opposing wall with a somewhat smug look on his face.
"Nothing going on, eh?"
"Shut up," she grumbled, pulling her door shut behind her.
"Come on," he said, his voice gentle, but the smirk on his face unmistakably amused at her expense. "I'm going to take you home."
"I'm not going home," she replied. "I'm going to the infirmary."
"Are you injured?"
She gave him a dry look.
"Gaara-sama gave me strict orders to make sure you got back to Konoha in one piece," he said, scratching his head with confusion. "He said that's what you wanted."
"Where is he?"
"He's in his office with Taiyo and Sarabi."
With an irritated groan, she sidled past him and began making her way down the corridor toward Gaara's office.
"Where are you going?" he asked. "You need to pack your things."
"I'm not leaving, Hideki," she called over her shoulder.
She heard him rushing to catch up with her, and was prepared to shrug him off if he attempted to stop her, but he merely walked alongside her, seeming to sympathize with her judging by the consoling look on his face.
"He wasn't even going to say goodbye," she said. "He just sent you to collect me and drop me off in Konoha like a parcel to be delivered."
Hideki looked apologetic on Gaara's behalf, but it didn't make Sakura feel any better. "You and I are both aware that it's rude to sleep with someone and not speak to them after," he said, "but Gaara-sama is new to all this and he probably doesn't realize that he hurt your feelings."
"We didn't sleep together," she snapped. "Well, we slept, but we didn't have sex. Besides, I'm new to all this, too, and I wouldn't have done that to him."
He looked like he didn't believe her, and Sakura didn't really blame him. It was a fool's errand to try to convince him that there was nothing going on between her and the Kazekage now. But by now that was likely true, regardless of what Hideki thought or how Sakura felt. If Gaara was just shipping her back to Konoha like a toy he was finished with, then it must be the case that nothing was going on between them. At least not anymore.
"So you're going to confront him?" Hideki asked.
Sakura nodded, feeling a slow rage building up in her chest. Gaara had been the one to ask her to reconsider, to stay until Shikamaru was ready to leave. He had practically begged her to fuck him and then changed his mind and Sakura had never felt more confused in her life. She would honestly have preferred an outright rejection like Sasuke's to whatever sticky, hellish mess this was.
"Maybe you should take a minute to calm down first," Hideki said, seeing the fury that had her jaw clenched and her face darkened. "We can have a rematch so you can take out some of that anger before you talk to him. And you can think about what you want to say."
Sakura stopped walking, considering what Hideki said. She had no idea what she would say to him, only that she was angry and wanted to vent. But that was exactly what was making her feel guilty, even underneath all the anger she felt. She didn't need to yell at Gaara, she needed to figure out what she wanted so she could tell him with no uncertainty and get rid off all her confliction and anxiety.
"I'll help you, Sakura-san," Hideki said, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Whatever you need."
She glanced over at him, her brow furrowed. "You're being awfully nice to me, Hideki-san," she said suspiciously. "Isn't that a little outside of the purview of your duties?"
"My job is to serve Gaara-sama," he said with a slight bow of his head. "Whatever is in your best interest is in his best interest as well. Besides, I kind of like you. You're funny and you keep me on my toes."
Sakura crossed her arms, tapping her toe as she decided whether or not what he was saying made any sense.
"Come on," he urged. "We can go back out to the oasis. The weather is nice and sparring isn't a bad way to start the morning. If after we're done you've decided you still want to leave, I'll take you straight back to Konoha. And if you decide you want to stay or say something to Gaara-sama, I'll help you figure out what to say."
"What makes you think I'd share that kind of thing with you?" she demanded.
Hideki shrugged. "Who else would you be able to talk to about this?" he asked.
He had a good point, Sakura thought. But she still wasn't sure she felt comfortable discussing something like that with Hideki. He wasn't really her friend so much as a glorified bodyguard. He had already admitted that Gaara was his primary concern, so she couldn't trust that he wouldn't spill everything she said back to him.
But the look of concern on his face seemed genuine enough, and Sakura was feeling a little bit desperate at this point.
"Fine," she said. "Let's start with a spar and we'll see after that."
/
AN: On Wednesday I accidentally posted a chapter of a different story I'm writing here, so I'm sorry if any of you saw the update and were confused. I'm an idiot.
Also, next week's chapter will be the last one from Sakura's perspective and the conclusion of Part 1 of this story. I don't know exactly how many chapters I'll end up with, but I'm thinking we're about halfway through now. I just want to thank all you guys for reading. You guys are so great.