Oh Lordy the hate mail I have gotten. Its Christmas time guys peace on Earth and all of that. Curl up this ones a long one. Guess what you all are in for….did someone say two parts?….-L

The ride home was filled with long stretches of uncomfortable silence. Neither one of us wanting to be the first to speak for fear if we did the world as we know it right now will come crashing to the ground beneath our feet. John is working his jaw pretty hard, every once in a while letting out a breath or steering harder into a turn than is necessary. I reluctantly glance over at him, and catch sight of his cheek, in the glow of the streetlights I see wet.

"I can't look at you right now Rose." he states his voice cold and hollow.

My name is Rose Tyler and I am about to be introduced to The Oncoming Storm.

"I'm sorry." I say softly.

"Sorry?" He says giving me a sharp glance before turning his attention back to the road. "How generous of you."

"John." I say picking at the polish on my nails. I don't have words right now that could even remotely undo the hurt I have caused him. I don't even know where or how to begin.

"Don't. Just don't." he says his voice cracking slightly.

I stare out the window watching the London skyline pass us by. I am uncomfortable with the deafening silence and my own nagging conscious. "It was nice of Donna to let Sarah spend the night." I say trying to fill the space between us with something besides the sound of the tires on pavement and my heartbeat in my ears.

"Yeah, well she was asleep when I went in to check on her. I didn't have the heart to wake her." he says dryly. "I asked Donna to keep her a couple of days. I need some time to think."

"Yeah. Quite right." I say drawing the words out as I exhale slowly.

We pull off the road and I turn to face him. He gives me a blank expression as he takes the keys from the ignition and steps out of the car, leaning against the door. I don't question the action. I don't really want to go home either. If we even have a home anymore. I'm sure I have screwed that up royally. I have made myself a divorce statistic without the privilege of a proper marriage. I take a deep breath and open my door. Standing opposite him, I put my hand on the roof of the car to steady myself, my legs are trembling and I am struggling to maintain some sense of calm. "At least give me the chance to explain myself John."

He doesn't respond. It's the same thing he used to do to me when he first got here. The days when he was soaked in scotch and brooding. Mourning a life he had been denied. Except I am the one who left us stranded on the proverbial beach . I am reluctant to approach him, unsure if my touch will only add to his pain. I watch as his body sags to the ground, shuddering as I hear a gut wrenching sob escape his lips.

I walk around the car, crushed by the sight of him. His lanky from coiled into a ball against the drivers side door, body trembling with each indrawn breath. He has his knees pulled tightly to his chest ,his face buried in his arms. My eyes cloud over with tears, I had only seen him like this once before, on a night too many years ago and long since forgotten until now. I awoke to the sounds of his screams. The TARDIS gratefully linking his bedroom door with mine, I found him raging against a nightmare he couldn't describe. Instead I just held him continent that something as simple as touch could bring him back to me.

I reach for him laying my hand on his elbow. "John." I silently pray that some things don't change.

"Rose." he croaked, he doesn't look up at me but doesn't shy away from my touch either.

"John, I am so sorry. I-I-I don't know what to say."

"You hurt me." he says drawing a shaky breath.

"I know."

"Why. I thought you loved me? I thought we were a family." he says pounding on the ground between us. I jump, he notices immediately and hits himself on the forehead. Hard. " God. Rose. Did I do something wrong?" his eyes flash with something dark and serious and his gaze burns into me like fire. " Its him. Isn't it."

"No. Yes. Maybe." I say softly gazing up to the stars above. He follows my gaze for a moment before dropping his back to the ground.

"Care to be more specific Rose. I'm not really in the mood for your mind games right now."

I tuck my legs underneath me laying a hand over my stomach, tears spilling from my cheeks. He lays his hand beside mine making lazy circles in the fabric of my dress. "You wish he was his don't you." he says sadly.

I shake my head, "No. John. No I don't."

"Your face says one thing but I think otherwise."

"Fuck you." I say sternly.

"Fuck me?" He says his eyes flashing, " Well I think that you have seemed to do that fairly sufficiently Rose. You have. Good too. Could have bought me dinner first."

"Now you are just being childish." I say swatting his hand off my stomach. He narrows his eyes at me. "Im not scared of you." I say matching his stance.

He stands. " Just tell me Rose. Have you been leading me on? Was it him all the time? Every kiss we shared."

I just sit and wipe my cheek, I deserve every bit of his ire. I bite my lip to stop myself from using more careless words that cause him more pain.

He starts to pacing like an animal in cage that is too small. " Do you think of him when I touch you? Bite your lip like that to keep from screaming out his name?"

"No." I say pulling myself to standing.

"Was he the one that was there to listen to you cry yourself to sleep for three months? Did he come to you and comfort you during your nightmares? Push all his yearning for you aside, knowing he wasn't truly the one you wanted but held out hope that someday you would? Was he the one filled with unspeakable joy the first time we made love? Did he pray to a God he didn't believe asking for another precious chance with you after he almost died? Because I did. I did Rose. Did he hold your hand and cry with you when Sarah Jane was born?" He stops leaning against a tree moonlight marring his handsome features into something grey and unrecognizable. "Was he the one who rocked her to sleep, and kissed her soft cheeks? She is not his child. She is mine. Rose. Mine and yours. The baby you are carrying is ours Rose. A son, someone to carry on MY name. OUR FAMILY! NOT HIS! MINE!" he beats at his chest, " MINE! ITS NOT FAIR!" he screams towards the heavens above. " I HATE YOU! DO YOU HEAR THAT! I HATE YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME ON SOME GOD FORSAKEN ROCK SOMEWHERE, NOT HERE! NOT HERE!"

I take a step toward him. "STOP IT DAMN IT! JOHN JUST STOP IT!". I take another step forward, "I loved him. But he left me."

He arches his brow at me.

I take another step forward until we are face to face. "There was a time when I felt that way. In the beginning when things were new for us." I run my hand down his arm and take his hand in mine. "A time when I thought of nothing but his betrayal when I looked into your eyes. Its hard wanting to hate a face you loved so much. Afraid of myself, afraid that if I kissed you or took you into my bed I was somehow cheating on him. But wanting to anyway to prove him wrong. That I wasn't some school girl with a crush."

"You can't cheat on me with me." he says looking at our joined hands.

"I know that. Now. " I say with so much honesty I can taste its bitter sweetness on my tongue. I drop our hands and walk over to the car, hugging my arms around me. "I know you were the only one there for me, John. After all those months we spent getting to know each other again, I knew. All those nights you would leave me tea at my bedside when I cried myself hoarse. Those tears weren't for him. They were for you. How I hurt for you being abandoned. Left like some discarded toy. But that's what we were to him John, broken toys. The child had had his fun and it was time to move on to a shinier newer one. Did you think I didn't know?"

"So what changed?" he says, I feel his body press into mine. He brings his arms up to wrap around me but thinks better of it, letting them drop limply to his side. His breath is warm on my neck and I suppress the urge to turn into his arms and bury my nose in his shirt.

"It was if some switch was flicked somewhere, and suddenly the only person I could see myself with was you." I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand.

He turns me to face him, "But not enough to marry me?" he says as tears spill from his chestnut eyes.

"Im scared John. That's why I said no." I say dropping my eyes to avoid his own.

"Scared of what Rose."

"The ring."

He brings my eyes to meet his hooking his finger under my chin. "What?"

"The ring was his. I found it in his pocket."

He gives me a perplexed look for a moment before realization lights in his eyes. "Oh. I see."

"Yea. I was just looking for his sonic. I promise." I give him a hopeful expression. " I-I-"

"And you want to know how it came into my possession?"