21. The Push
Mike screams at Alex in front of a live audience as numerous cameras focus on the disintegration of their on-screen relationship, broadcasting it to every corner of the globe. "This is all your fault!"
Intellectually, Alex knows this is just part of the script, but hearing these words and seeing the pain in Mike's eyes doesn't make it hurt any less, especially when knowing what he knows. This is all my fault. He stands there absorbing the verbal abuse spilling off his boyfriend's tongue - the line separating fiction from reality becoming too blurred to make rational distinction. I never should have gone to that club that night. I never should have gotten behind that wheel.
In only a month's time, the creative team have managed to twist Mike and Alex's storyline into a complete mess. Now, when Miz lashes out at his bumbling corner man, Vince can step in and manipulate Mike into saying things that are true about his own story with Alex and not a damn person will question it, he doesn't even question it.
Alex grimaces when he hears the ringing echo of those five words Mike's just bellowed: This is all your fault!
"Without me you wouldn't even be in the WWE!"
I know. Alex flinches. The insults continue to come at him like an organized assault; so fast and loud, he starts to get dizzy.
"You are nothing without me!"…"I have given you chance after chance and you have been one big disappointment after disappointment!"…"I am sick of your mind-numbing stupidity!"
Alex wants to disappear. He knows exactly what Mike will say next and what he'll have to do. He wishes the anonymous general manager would chime in with an email and make this all go away, but his wishes are forever in vain. No one's coming to help him. If he could, he'd go against the script and make Miz forgive him right there on the spot; he wouldn't do what he's been instructed, but he can't because if he did, he'd just make everything worse than it already is, and right now it's bad. It's really fucking bad.
He stares into Mike's watery eyes - the man's dedication is all too impressive, very much like the night before when he had to pretend like he won the championship back from Cena. There was a moment during the match where Mike was declared the winner, it was only for a minute before it was revoked, but the way Mike wrapped his arms around him was reminiscent of how he felt when Mike won the first time around, and it felt just as real.
Just as real as this moment.
They're just three words, harmless on their own, but when strung together, they're as gut wrenching as they are absolute. "You are fired!"
Alex blacks out. His propensity for losing time - most likely a result from all the concussions he suffered while playing football in college - decides this is just as good a time as any to take effect.
Though he already knew what he was going to have to do, and how he was going to have to do it to ensure he'd sell the story, Alex doesn't remember punching his boyfriend. He doesn't remember ripping the clothes off Mike's back or screaming in his face or throwing him across the announce table. He doesn't remember busting the guy's lip open or even that the crowd started to chant his name for the first time in his young career. But as he's walking back behind the curtain, he sure as hell feels his stomach churning and the base of his throat burning. He runs to the bathroom as fast as he can and throws up.
xxxx
Alex stumbles into the private dressing room he shares with Mike and he knows this will be the last time he'll be able to do so. After tonight, technically, starting fifteen minutes ago, The Miz and Alex Riley are bitter rivals. With the company's inclination to maintain on-screen storylines off screen, there will never be a reason for the two to hang out publicly ever again. And hanging out in Mike's locker room, just the two of them without a reason? It just can't happen without drawing suspicion from the other superstars.
"There you are," Mike says, turning to Alex. He immediately notices just how flushed his boyfriend is. He rushes to him and holds his clammy face in the palms of his hands, feels him shivering as if he's cold. "Oh baby, it's okay. They loved you. You were so great."
Alex is emotionally exhausted. He wants to enjoy the moment, be happy for putting on a good show, but for the first time in his wrestling career, he doesn't care about the show. He only cares about Mike. He looks up to his boyfriend, needing to look into those comforting eyes, but he doesn't make it that far. Blood catches his attention.
"Oh shit, did I do this?" Alex asks as he reaches out and tilts Mike's head back so he can get a better look at his split lip in the light. Grows even more disappointed with himself.
Mike winces. "It's just a cut. It'll be healed by morning. It's okay."
"No. Don't say that. Hurting you is never okay."
xxxx
Alex finds himself at the crossroads of his entire life. He knows he's the reason everything is crumbling around him. Lying to Mike is physically painful. Sometimes he thinks he'd rather lose a leg than lie to his boyfriend, but this time his choices seem rather bleak. Over the past three weeks, he's witnessed Cena's warning come to fruition and tonight, the message couldn't have been any clearer. There was no way for him to have known that his story with Mike would end the way it did, in such a hostile manner. But that word: fired. It was a big red flag, a signifier of sorts, and he knew the exact message Vince meant to send his way. Cena was right. The man means business. Alex thought he had made the mature choice last night, but now he realizes he was looking at the wrong options. He knows it's time for him to choose a path based on the actual ones.
With all that's happened, he still doesn't feel like he can tell Mike what's really going on because if he does, his boyfriend will surely talk to Vince again and Alex knows that will only make matters worse. So, now, two extremes present themselves. He could opt to say nothing and watch Mike fall rung by rung down the company ladder, being punished for something that was never his fault. Or (and this kills Alex to even consider) he could end things with Mike, and the guy's life will once again be his own. He won't have to worry about the follies of a worthless apprentice or the mishaps of a misguided boyfriend. Mike would no longer feel compelled to choose him over championship titles and create excuses in the name of love which only ever serves to hold him back from furthering his career. He'd finally get back on track, situated on a path towards true greatness.
Alex thinks about his options during the ride back to the hotel. Several times he feels like crying, but if Mike sees him fall apart, he won't be able to do what he knows needs to be done.
xxxx
Finally alone in the privacy of their hotel room, Mike walks up behind Alex and runs his fingers down the man's back. "Do you wanna order in?" His hands settle on either side of Alex's waist. "Or do you want to skip straight to dessert?" His voice low and his breath hot on Alex's ear. Tops off the suggestion by pulling his boyfriend's backside into his hips, which he moves in such a way. "I gotta admit, that fight got me pretty hot," he adds, tugging gently on the rim of Alex's ear with his teeth.
Alex starts to go numb. Most definitely a sign of depression, but he's too focused on what he has to do to realize that taking a breather would be in his best interest. "Remember a while back when I thought I was screwing everything up for you…and you said I was distracting you by saying your name?"
Mike chuckles, his forehead falling heavy to Alex's shoulder. "Alex, about that-"
"I'm screwing everything up," Alex interrupts, his delivery robotic, flat.
"No you're not," Mike groans, nuzzling the back of Alex's head as he pulls the guy's shirt up slightly. Snakes his hands around to his belly, feels the ripples of his hard abs and the definition of his chest as he pulls him even closer. "You make everything work."
"Do you even know what happened out there tonight?" Alex turns to face Mike, momentarily breaking the guy's hold on him.
Mike leans in. "You kicked my ass," he whispers seductively against his boyfriend's neck before sucking on it.
Alex grabs Mike by his upper arms and pries him off. "You fired me."
Mike giggles, still oblivious to the serious tone married to Alex's words. "The Miz fired his assistant. It's not like I broke up with you."
"How is this supposed to work anymore?"
"What?" The question comes out as if Mike didn't hear what Alex said, though he did.
"This. You and me. It was never supposed to happen in the first place, but we gave it a shot since we were always together anyway and no one would notice, but now...You fired me!"
Mike is legitimately confused. "What are you saying?"
"I don't see how this can work anymore."
"This is a joke."
"I'm not joking."
Mike takes a deep breath, doesn't want to overreact. Certainly doesn't want the argument to deteriorate into anything remotely resembling the outcome of their on-screen falling out. "Alright. Let's just dial this back a few notches. Tonight was too intense. I mean, you do know there wasn't any truth to those things I said out there, right?"
"It doesn't matter if you meant them or not-"
"What the fuck is that? Of course I didn't mean them! They were words in a fucking script-"
"I can't do this anymore."
"So that's it? Three weeks? You're telling me all we get is three fucking weeks?!" Mike shoves Alex and his outburst shocks even himself because if he's allowing himself to get angry then that means he believes it's real. He starts hyperventilating, can't seem to get enough air, almost chokes on his words. "This isn't you. You would never do this. Not after…" Mike takes a step forward and tries to touch Alex in a less aggressive manner, but Alex swats his hand away. Mike vocalizes his frustration in the form of a growling whimper, his fists clenched tight. "You don't get to do this to me! To us! You're not allowed to take it all away, everything we've built. We waited so long to be here. Why are you doing this?"
Alex clamps down on the inside of his bottom lip, unsure if he can actually go through with his plan.
Mike watches his boyfriend, the man he loves so much, act wildly out of character. He's often told Alex how he feels, but there's always been somewhat of a filter; never wanted to bare his complete soul; but he's terrified of what will happen if Alex walks out the door and he didn't do everything in his power to save what they have.
A deep breath; steady in, steady out. Mike tries to stay calm, in control of his emotions. Reminds himself that nothing is set in stone and he has a better chance of turning the night around if he stays rational. No insults, no violent outbursts; just an even keel, honest dialogue. "You once asked me what this energy between us is. Do you remember that?"
Alex reluctantly nods his head. "Thanksgiving." This is much more difficult than he expected, and he already knew it was going to be hardest thing he's ever done.
"And I told you I didn't know. But I do." The admission causes Mike's voice to crack. He clears his throat and braces himself for what he's about to say because he's never had to say anything so powerful in his whole life. "I think it's our souls. They're singing to each other…crying out to be one."
If Alex were to look up at Mike he probably wouldn't notice the way the guy's body is shaking, but it is. Admitting such a truth is a shock to the system, and this is the shock Mike is currently experiencing surge through his.
Alex brings his dominant hand to his face - even he's shaking - and he presses his thumb and index finger to the inside corners of his eyes as hard as he can until he sees bright flickers of light. A few determined tears prove much stronger than his efforts and they surely don't go unnoticed by Mike.
"Y'know, all my life I've sought out the very best this world has to offer. I've been fortunate enough to travel the globe in search of it, and for a good while there, I thought I made it. I thought, it doesn't get much better than this. But then you found me and the sky opened up and it was no longer about what the world had to offer, it became about what the universe had to offer and I realized then that I'd just been settling for mediocre the whole time, my whole life. I had no idea there was anything out there that was so amazing, so special, so…mine."
Alex shakes his head, eyes still closed as Mike continues.
"And the only reason I was able to wait as long as I did, to be with you, to really be with you," Mike stresses, "is because I knew you'd be worth it. And oh my God, were you worth it," he breathes. "To find words…" Mike stops, takes a few deep breaths, thinks back to all the time they spent together, all the secrets they shared and the promises they made - whether they were verbalized or not - and to see Alex standing in front of him, frozen, cowering inside of himself, covering his eyes, refusing to face him, is a sight he shouldn't know. Mike takes half a step forward, cautious not to startle him.
"Being with you…" Mike's voice grows faint for two reasons. One, because he's about to say something he never thought he'd have to say, not with words. For a guy who very rarely gets embarrassed, he's embarrassed. And two, it's a way to draw Alex in and force the man to really listen. "Making love with you," he says in a small voice, "is so much more than I ever thought I deserved. Before you, fucking meant nothing. It was basically a step up from using my own hand, that's how intimate it was. It felt good, sure, but there was always something missing and I was too stupid, too blind to even realize that until you showed me how much more there really is. It's about being as close to you as I can get, and not just on a physical level. I give you my whole body as a way of showing you how I've given you my heart…and my soul. And it's about making you feel the way you make me feel, but somehow you can manage to do that with a simple look when I think no one notices me, with that silly smile of yours, with a laugh even when I know my jokes are lame. Which, let's face it, they're lame most of the time. You listen to me when I need to vent and even when I'm going on about absolutely nothing. It's when you know I need you without having to tell you that I do."
Mike dares to reach out and place his hand on Alex's shoulder. He needs him now and he can't understand why he's not here.
"Alex, I know why you do those things, that's why none of what you're doing right now makes any sense. I need you to talk to me, tell me what happened so we can fix it. Together, like we always do, because the things you've showed me can never be unseen. You can't give me the best I've ever had, the best thing I will ever have, and expect me to go back to mediocre. Because mediocre is shit, Alex. It's fucking shit."
"Stop it," Alex whispers through disloyal tears. "I can't do this with you anymore," he says, sounding like a broken record as he turns to leave.
"Alex, don't go!" Mike calls out, stunned that the man's still walking away after stripping his soul bare.
"Alex!" he tries again with more authority, but to no avail.
"Kevin!" Mike cries out in complete desperation, his tired voice trembling almost as much as his knees.
Alex stops against his better judgment, or maybe it's his better judgment that stops him. The last time Mike used his real name seems so long ago now, seems like such a simpler time. And God knows he never thought he'd hear Mike say it with such anguish; the scarring sound of it forever branded in his memory.
"It hurts the way I love you," Mike sobs, clutching his nervous stomach. "It feels like I'm drowning and falling and burning all at once." Mike wants to punch himself for being so emotional, but he can't hide how he feels. It's his curse and his only hope. The floodgates of his innermost truths have been breached - irreparably. His only fear now is that he'll run out of words and all of it still won't be enough to make Alex stay. "Only you can be my air and break my fall. You're the spark that started this fire. I'm nothing without you."
It would be easy for Alex to turn around and hold Mike in his arms. It would be easy to tell him that he feels the exact same way. It would be easy to tell him the truth. But it would be devastating to watch the person he loves more than everything he's ever known, lose everything he's worked so hard for, just to be with him. In Alex's mind, sacrificing his own happiness is the ultimate expression of his absolute love for the man, even if his reasons for doing so will never be known. And this is the misguided mantra he keeps repeating to himself as he reaches out for the cold steel of the doorknob.
"Then she was right!" Mike barks antagonistically, hurling the indictment across the room like a thousand daggers, straight into Alex's back.
Alex cocks his head to the side, Mike's change in tactic proving effective and the man doesn't even have to specify the she he's referring to, Alex making the connection right away.
"And you were just using me until you got a push! Well, good for you! Your hard work finally paid off, didn't it? I guess you don't need me anymore."
Alex hates that Mike's had to resort to bringing up his ex. He hates the possibility that he may actually believe the fallacious garbage he's regurgitating, and that this could be how the guy remembers him. His heart is beating so hard he swears it's about to explode, but this doesn't stop him from turning around and rushing towards Mike, grabbing his shirt and pulling him in, their eyes locked. That energy flowing between them grows more intense than it's ever been and Alex has no choice but to succumb to the confused, heart-broken eyes that lie before him. He's entranced for a moment, seeing everything standing before him. Everything they've experienced, everything they were supposed to do, everything he wants and everything he'll ever need.
The smallest flicker of warning shoots through him. It tells him this is wrong and he shouldn't lead Mike on, but somehow the signal from his brain to his feet - the one that tells him to back away - gets jumbled and rerouted. Suddenly, he pulls Mike into a hard, passionate kiss, their lips only ever breaking away so Alex can pull Mike's shirt over his head. Mike undresses Alex with the same urgency. He unbuckles Alex's belt as the guy removes his own jacket and shirt. He had ripped his dress shirt open earlier on the show during their explosive fight, so conveniently, there's no need to hassle with the buttons now. Alex attacks Mike's belt as he's kicking his shoes to the side and when they're finally naked, Mike jumps up into Alex's arms, testing the man's physical strength, straddling his waist as they kiss, begging to be taken. He places his full trust in the man holding him. Even at this peak of heightened emotion, there's no one on the planet Mike trusts more.
Alex sandwiches his partner between himself and the nearest wall, hoisting the guy above him. Mike feels slippery teeth scrape the ridge of his collarbone and then sink into the vulnerable flesh of his neck. He moans melodically, the pleasure chords blending with pain. He grabs soft hair, tugging Alex's head back so he can look him in the eye. "The bed."
Without hesitation, Alex obeys. He carries Mike across the room, even while they're kissing fervently, and lowers him onto the last bed they'll ever share. He slicks his hand with excess saliva and reaches down between them; slathering himself, adjusting himself. He glances up at Mike with scorching desire, and it's the only warning the guy gets before he feels the full force of Alex inside of him.
Mike grunts loudly, his eyes rolling back in time with his arms. His hands attach to the headboard, pressing against it, bracing himself as the two collide again and again. He's never felt anything so abrasive, so raw, but he's sure to savor every sensation. Alex gives himself enough room to weave his arm in the space between their bodies and hook it around Mike's thigh, and when he lifts his leg away - the bend of his lover's knee settling in the crook of his elbow - it enhances the experience, increasing the amount of pleasure for both.
With each given thrust, Alex strikes the proverbial power chord that sends his partner into a freefall. Mike struggles to contain his cries, but a desperate few manage to escape into the room. He feels his aching erection trapped in the slippery friction of their bodies and he craves more pressure, but he craves Alex even more. Holding him as close as he can, they move in an intense complimentary motion. He breathes in the musky scent of his sweat mixing with Alex's and the smell of the man's deodorant trying to mask it. His whole body is hyperalert. His awareness of every touch, every taste, every jolt of pain and every gush of pleasure elapse as if a second were a minute. He's primed to remember everything.
Alex kisses Mike so deeply he'd literally forget to breathe if not for his partner holding his face so he could look into his eyes – that alone proving more intense than all the rest because their eyes have never had the ability to lie to each other.
Not much is said during the intimate exchange, any words would cheapen the experience, dilute it into something it's not and unfortunately, both men know exactly what's happening.
Mike feels like he's about to lose consciousness. As the time approaches, rather than throwing his head back and losing all control, he latches onto the meat of Alex's shoulder instead, teeth selfishly claiming their territory.
"F-fuck!" Alex stammers and Mike quickly covers the guy's mouth with his hand before his voice gets any louder.
He's going up. He's coming down. Which way is he falling? It doesn't matter. But impact is the only fate Mike knows and he's barreling towards it. Faster than the second before and faster still than the one preceding it. Alex's sore muscle sustains the distorted wails of ecstasy being extracted from deep within Mike and in this fraction of a second is where eternity lies.
The vibration of Mike's tongue on Alex's skin, the violent contractions of the guy's entire body around his own, and the sweet sound of Mike's song near his ear is the final push Alex needs. Trailing only seconds behind his lover, Alex finally falls victim to his own orgasm - with Mike's hand muffling the rapture of his release.
His body becomes dead weight, drained in every way by the impromptu encounter. He feels safe in Mike's arms, so much so that he's able to forget that these last few moments are the only remnants of a once vibrant and hopeful world he was lucky enough to inhabit for as long as he did.
Mike holds Alex tight, frightened that if he moves, Alex will then move, so he's still aside from his heavy panting. Takes the time to marinate on all that just happened. On all the words spoken and unspoken. Nothing makes sense to him, but he's never been a stupid man. He's compelled to vocalize his fears in spite of himself. "This doesn't change anything, does it?" And when he doesn't receive an answer, he receives his answer.
He kisses Alex's head despite not knowing why any of this is happening. Even after everything the guy has put him through tonight, he still loves him the same. And as dysfunctional as it may be, he's thankful to have one last chance to hold the best part of his life in his arms.
Alex ignores the fact that he'll be leaving after Mike falls asleep and focuses on a drumming heartbeat instead. He cherishes Mike's touch, the way his soothing fingers run through his sweat-drenched hair, across his tender shoulder and down his back over and over again. Wonders why the guy would put up with this kind of treatment and then he squeezes Mike tight when he realizes he would do the exact same thing if their roles were reversed.
In time, Mike's breathing evens out, his metronome heartbeat slow and steady. His hand, powerless, falls from Alex's shoulder to the bed. Alex knows Mike is asleep. He had hoped the guy would have lasted a bit longer, pushing back the inevitable, but he really put him through the emotional ringer. It's better that he's resting now.
Alex stays as long as he can, whispering apologies Mike will never hear against the man's chest. He looks up to Mike. Studies him for a long moment, to memorize his features, to take a mental picture in hopes that this time, it'll last a lifetime. As he stares, he's taken aback by how content Mike seems. But the fresh speck of blood on his upper lip (the cut he caused earlier in the night most certainly agitated by their aggressive kissing), reveals a much different story and this saddens him.
Only a few more seconds left and he spends it telling Mike how much he loves him and how much he's going to miss him, whispering the words against his swollen lips and sealing them with a quivering kiss.
Being extra careful not to wake Mike, Alex gets out of bed and covers up the guy's exposed body. He gets dressed and collects his belongings, then heads for the door knowing this time no one will be able to stop him unless he stops himself. And he does stop, but it's only to take one last look at Mike. The strength that keeps him moving, a strength that Alex would rather remain dormant, takes over and he walks out of the darkened room, leaving his heart and everything he values behind.