Chapter 21-Endings
Hey guys, here's another chapter, i hope you like. Cheers!
Not sure if this is finale or if there can be one more chapter, what do you think? If it is the finale then my salute guys for the support, thanks lots.
...
My past has tasted bitter
For years now
So I wield an iron fist
Grace is just weakness
Or so I've been told
I've been cold, I've been merciless
But the blood on my hands scares me to death
Maybe I'm waking up today
To say he had had a fitful sleep was an understatement, he just could not manage to turn off the turmoil in his head and let his mind relax in blissful sleep. What Steve had told him was beyond disturbing. How could he sleep? How could Steve ever sleep? He was really worried about him, didn't have a clue how to help him through this. His phone ringing at that moment brought his mind back from it's chaotic state into focus, the unholy hour of the phone call alone sending him into a panic. The phone, now in his hand, kept ringing but he just stared at it in apprehension. It was 4am, the caller ID on the screen made him dread to answer the call. Then finally he answered.
"Danny." The panicked voice on the other end said.
"Mary, what's wrong?"
"It's Steve…"
He knew it had something to do with Steve the moment that phone rang, he knew it wouldn't be something good and his heart clinched in fear. Mary was crying, talk about emphasis!
"Mary, what happened? What's wrong with Steve?" Danny said that already getting up, Rachel was now awake too, looking up at him curiously.
"He's…he's gone Danny. He's not in his room." Mary said, between sobs.
Somehow, as scary as that was Danny breathed a sigh of relief. He really expected her to say Steve was lying on the floor dead or something, something to do with blood. Steve was not in the right state of mind, Danny knew that more than anyone. He was the only one Steve had told about what had really happened, and yeah, Danny wouldn't put it past the guy to try and end it somehow. This was bad but it wasn't the worst case scenario. They'll find Steve, and then they'll talk to him, send him to a shrink, anything, just as long as he was still breathing, they could deal with this.
"Mary, just stay put, I'll be right there, ok? It's gonna be ok. He couldn't have gone far. Maybe he just went out to clear his head or something, maybe he couldn't sleep, you now."
"I looked everywhere, Danny he's gone…and he broke the mirror, there's blood on it…"
"No, don't think that way, we'll find him, ok Mary? I'm coming there right now." He cut the phone, getting ready to go.
"What's going on?" Rachel asked
"Steve's gone. I gotta go find him. Damn it Steven when I find him I'm going to…" He really didn't know, the appropriate word here was 'if', if he found Steve. After saying goodbye to Rachel he made his way to the guest room and knocked.
"Cath, Steve's gone." He said and didn't wait for a reply, Catherine was right behind him, he knew that.
Ten minutes later they were standing in Steve's house, wondering as everyone else what had happened with Steve. Everyone was worried, the 'oh maybe he'll come back', could not cut it anymore, they were freaking out.
"He'll comeback, he may have just stepped out to clear his head." Joe tried, though doubtfully.
"No, you don't understand, Steve is not in the right state of mind right now." Danny said, that being an understatement of the century, he mumbled to himself
"Hell, we all know that. He's been through a lot…" Chin said
"No, you don't understand. Steve is a danger to himself right now. We have to find him." Danny said with emphasis.
"What did he say to you last night Danny? I know you want to keep his confidence but maybe that can clue us in on what's happening with him." Chin said earnestly.
Danny didn't want to say it but Chin was right, there might be a clue there about Steve's whereabouts and his state of mind.
"Yeah, what did he mean about killing Lynn yesterday? Did he…?" Lou asked.
"No. Of course not! Steve would never…." Danny started to defend.
"So, what did he mean? Was he hallucinating…?" Chin asked curiously.
"They killed her Chin. They killed Lynn in front of him, while he watched. They did it to make him talk, and he couldn't do anything about it. You've gotta know how responsible he must feel about that." Danny said.
"Oh God."
"Oh no."
The gasps in the room went quiet as they all tried to think deeply about what to do now, how to find Steve.
…..
Steve had one thing and one thing only on his mind, he could not let anything get in the way. He made his way to that familiar road, that familiar jungle, knowing exactly where his targets would be. He was not about to take any prisoners. He stealthily made his way to the first guard, sliced his throat, then the next and then the next until he was face to face with the leader, the one who had sliced Lynn's throat while he watched. He was a Chinese trained assassin alright, but that didn't make a difference to someone who had a score to settle, especially if that someone didn't care if he died in the process. And Steve was looking to die, but not before he had every single one of these bastards in the ground. Whoever was to take him out afterwards would actually have his gratitude. Steve tangled a bit with the leader, exchanging punch for punch but finally had him pinned down. Steve looked him straight in the eye and put the edge of his knife against his throat. The momentary registration of fear and defeat in those eyes was satisfying enough for Steve as he looked at him longer making sure he had his face ingrained in the assassin's brain.
"This is for Lynn, you bastard. This is for everything you did to me and everything you made me do. I want you to remember my face in hell." Steve snarled before slicing the assassin's throat. He would have wanted to look for Lynn's body, give closure to her parents and family but he knew the Chinese always dumped their bodies in the Sea, she most probably was at the bottom of the sea with his comrades right now. He felt like a savage, inhuman, he couldn't go back. He walked to the Sea and sat a while on the shore,dejected, brooding. It had all started here, in this Sea. He couldn't decide if he should go back or just take a swim in the ocean and sink down like the rest of his SEAL buddies. He probably belonged there, and now that he had finished taking revenge, his job was done, he had no reason to live anymore. He was a danger to his loved ones, he could not go back.
"You'll never hear me say that you, the real you, are anything but good.'
Well, this was the real him, and he didn't belong in a normal society anymore. Wouldn't it be better if he just ended it here? People get close to him and they die, he was poison. And he was so sick of contaminating the lives of the people he was supposed to protect. And how could they love him knowing what he had done? Who would ever love him when he couldn't even love himself? He sat there thinking for a long time until he was fully convinced that this was the only way, the better way. He would just swim into the sea deep enough and then maybe get his gun to help him a little.
That's how his team found him, about to get up from that sand to walk into the Sea, having convinced himself that he was better off dead. The Sea was beckoning and he was he could hear its cries louder now. First he saw Joe walking briskly towards him then Danny, Chin, Lou, Junior, Kono, Tani and Catherine. They had followed him here. How the hell did they know where to find him? They had risked their necks again as if he mattered. He shouldn't matter, they had no idea what he had become, what he had done. He could not go back.
Catherine watched as Joe and Danny approached fist. She kept her distance, heart in her throat at seeing the man she loved hanging on the edge of death like that. How completely dark and alone he must feel. How dirty and savage. It hurt to see him go through this.
"Steve!" Danny yelled.
"Son, what are you doing here?" Are you ok?" Joe asked tentatively, he was now standing in front of him.
"How did you find me Joe? What are guys doing here?" Steve asked in dismay.
"What do you mean what are we doing here? Following after your crazy suicidal ass is what we're doing here!" Alright, Danny was angry. He was downright pissed he could strangle Steve right now. Steve knew they would be pissed, but then again he had never planned on them finding him alive, or finding him at all, for that matter.
"What the hell are you doing here Steven? Didn't we talk about this?" Danny continued, in his face.
"No amount of talking is going to make this right, Danny." Steve said.
"And killing yourself will?"
"Danny, ease up…" Chin said, trying to be careful about the whole situation. Steve was suicidal and at his lowest, Danny was hurt and angry, the situation could escalate and tip whichever way. It had to be handled with kid's gloves.
"I wasn't going to…" Steve tried to defend his actions.
"Oh yeah? Coming here in a blaze of fire, taking every one of those assassins by yourself , hoping that one of the bullets would catch you in the head, am I about right in my summation so far?" Danny yelled.
Steve just looked down, didn't say anything. He could see how much pain he had caused by doing this and for that he felt ashamed.
"That's a really selfish thing to do Steven, you get that right? By God, I could just about kill you myself right now." Danny continued in his tirade.
"Hey, Danny calm down." Chin said again.
"No, he's right… he's right and I'm sorry." Steve finally relented, he could see what he had been about to do was going to hurt the people who loved him. He was not the only one with people to lose, they stood to lose too. They would lose him. As much as it would pain him to lose them, he had to know it would hurt them to lose him too. He realized that now. It was unfortunate but he had people who counted him as someone worthy and it was selfish of him to just want to end his own suffering knowing that his lose would make the people who cared about him suffer more, sometimes you live for others as much as you live for yourself.
"And now you were thinking of throwing yourself into the ocean and blowing your head up, tell me that's not true?" Danny said bitterly.
"Easy Danny…." Chin cautioned again.
"No, no Chin, he's gotta get this. You don't just live for yourself anymore Steve. You don't just chose to die whenever you damn well feel like it!"
"Danny come on…" Lou said.
"No, no he's actually right. And I wish you could all just let me do it, I don't belong with you…just stop giving a damn, I'm not worth it." Steve said.
Kono was standing a bit apart with Catherine and she winced hearing Steve say such words, at the same time watching Danny's face. "Danny will not make a very good Therapist." She whispered to Cath.
"Oh, he'll probably save some but I think he'll drive most of his patients to kill themselves." Catherine said.
"He'd probably help too, maybe supply the ideal weapon. He calls it tough love." Kono said. "Steve probably needs that right now, somebody should knock his teeth out to show him we love him, he doesn't seem to be all that comprehensive of normal gentle love. I'm so angry with him." Kono said.
"I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it he says.", Danny was pacing now,hands flapping "hold me back Chin or I'm gonna blow his brains out myself. Do you think it's a damned fossett that you can just turn off, Steven? What the hell is the matter with you? Look at all the people here for you, you want to break every one of these hearts by dying? By saying they don't love you enough. Do we not love you enough? Is that it? Do you have any idea what we went through when you were dead for two fucking years Steven?! And now you just wanna….how can you think so little of yourself?"
"I second that Steve, I mean how could you think of doing such a thing, you have so many people who love you. You are worth it, so much more." Said Chin earnestly.
Steve looked at every one of their faces and saw how hurt they were about what he had planned to do, he saw how he would have hurt them even more. He felt relieved, almost absolved. He may have to live with everything he had done, but he won't be able to live with the pain he may cause them if he were to take the action he had been prepared to take. He didn't care much what happened to him, he cared a lot what would happen to them were he to die, he could see it in their faces. Joe looked sad, Catherine stood a bit far off looking at him with such heartbreaking sadness he could not look at her, the others looked genuinely concerned. But Danny's face was red with anger, Steve knew what lurked beneath that extreme fury was the fear of losing him. Everyone else had these pathetic pleading looks, trading carefully with him in case he decided to just run into the Sea after all. He hated that he had done this to them, to make them plead with him like this. That's not what he had wanted or set out to do, to be more trouble to his Ohana. He had just wanted for it all to just be over, he had not really thought much about them. The only one not pleading was Danny, busy seething with anger he might just throw him into the Sea himself, But Steve knew if it came to it, Danny would sooner beg and sacrifice his own life to save his. Frankly, Steve didn't know why they would care so much, if they knew what he really was they would not… well, Danny was still here even after he had revealed his deepest darkest secrets, he had still followed him here to take him back, to be near his children. They didn't understand, but maybe he was the one who didn't understand. It wasn't like a fossett you could just turn off whenever. Steve knew that somehow if any of them were to ever take a step like this in their despair he would be the most understanding of counselors, kid's gloves and everything. But somehow if Danny were to ever try it he would very much want to kill him too. He'd be outraged and hurt, so he did understand what Danny was feeling right now. No brother should try and leave the other willingly, it was unfair and selfish. He knew that, he'd always known that, but the darkness had been so dense and heavy it weighed down on him, completely engulfing him he didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, so he had himself become darkness and he didn't think he could be saved. He had been wrong, he could see the light in all of them, in their love and acceptance of him. They were his light and if he hung on to them they might just pull him out of this darkness, if he let them. Again he was being thrown a rope, a new beginning, he would be a fool not to grab it. Fine then, they would be getting a raw deal but if they wanted him back so bad then he'll go with them. He may never get redemption or absolution but he'll try and work towards it, starting by stopping being an ass to his family by making them worry and beg.
He stood up, "Ok, let's go." He said and sighed heavily, a weight lifting off his shoulders.
"Son of a bitch!" Danny cussed with a combination of relief and annoyance beyond belief. "Stupid ass, you really think you had any choice in it? I'd have never let you." Danny said, knowing fully well that it was pure providence that they had found Steve in time again this time. If Steve decided to do this again Danny may not have any say in it. But in the meantime he was going to watch him like a hawk. "Son of a bitch!" Danny cussed again, walking away, still very much pissed but relieved at the same time.
"I'm sorry, ok?" Steve said after him.
Danny spun on his heel, "Sorry won't cut it this time Steven. You've got to promise me you'll never try something like this again." Danny looked at him earnestly now, daring him to say otherwise.
Steve looked honestly into his eyes. "I'm not there yet bro."
"Son of a bitch!"
"But I'm working towards it. I'll try my best." Steve said honestly.
"Then promise me if you ever feel dark, if you feel like taking a bullet, you come to me first. Alright? You talk to me before you hightail it to China to get yourself killed."
"Ok, I promise I'll talk to you first."
"Or someone."
"Or someone."
"Good." Danny said a few more choice cuss words again before walking away ahead of everyone else, wondering when he will ever really have any peace of mind with Steve in this kind of expendable mindset. At this rate it was a wonder he hadn't developed an ulcer yet.
Joe and the others walked on too, giving Catherine a private moment with Steve.
"Catherine." Steve was ashamed to look at her, he had been ashamed since the moment he killed Lynn. "I'm surprised to see you here still. Aren't you supposed to be going back to work?" Steve asked.
"I quit." She said easily.
"You quit the CIA? How does that happen?" Steve asked, attempting a joke.
"When your boss is corrupt and maybe involved in espionage which you can't really prove but can raise enough doubt, you can leverage your way out." Catherine said.
"Smart girl." Steve said, already he felt better, a little but yeah, better.
"Thanks. Steve, I just want to assure you that I'm here if you need me and I'm willing to stay, if you want me to. I know it's a bit soon but…more than anything I'm your friend." She shrugged.
Steve did not want to be deliberately dense about what she was saying here, he knew what she was saying, but again he wasn't there yet. He looked earnestly into her eyes and he could see that she was telling the truth. He would have to tell her about Lynn first though, before he could even hope that she would want to stick it out with such a monster as he.
"I killed Lynn." He blurted out.
"I know, Danny told me what happened. And you didn't kill her, they did." Catherine said.
"Semantics really." Steve said in self-deprecation.
"No, not semantics, you could never have killed her and would never had allowed it had you had any choice in the matter. I know who you are, I know the man you are and you're anything but a monster." She said in earnest.
Well, she should see what he had done to those assassins then she can come back and tell him again that he was no monster. But like he promised Danny, he'd give this a chance and try to see himself through their rose colored glasses. He looked into Catherine's eyes and he could see all the love she had for him in there and was humbled by it.
"I'm about 90 percent crap, Catherine" He said to her with all honesty.
"I don't feel any better either. Why don't we just be crappy together, and work ourselves out of it little by little." She said.
He didn't know if that was enough or if that was going to work but he was so tired of running and fighting, if he wasn't going to die then he might as well try his hand at living. Besides, he better not try and kill himself again or Danny would really kill him this time. He'd follow him to hell just to do that. "Sounds like a plan." He said to Cath and smiled at her. He will get absolution, he will be good and he had people who would go to hell and back for him. Why they would still bother was such a mystery to him but he will take it like a breath of fresh air. Start from one stone and build up. Maybe he was due a life after all. The light was getting brighter and brighter by the minute, and he wanted to walk towards it. It would be great to leave the darkness and it's shadows and just stand in the light.
For all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I doubt
For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears
For all of the things that I've done all these years
And all
Yeah, for all of the sparks that I stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt
I'll be good, I'll be good,
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Not sure if this is finale or if there can be one more chapter, what do you think?