"I remember when he was a baby."
April watched Joe glance up at her, and then go back to praying over their son's body. Blaine breathed slowly and in time with his heartbeat. April still felt a tiny jolt, looking at her teenage son. April didn't feel old enough to have a teenager. Then again, she'd been young when she had him.
Now that he was older, April was shocked at how easy it was to see the family resemblance. Blaine mostly took after his daddy, with a thick neck and shoulders and the same nose. Joe's ears, Joe's lips, Joe's forehead and chin. The dark, thick, curly hair Blaine had inherited from Joe's father. Blaine's skin was a light, golden tan, reminding April that Joe's grandmother was from the Philippines. He had April's cheekbones. He was built like his mother, small and thin.
April winced as she tried to picture her tiny son fighting Jeremiah. How easy it must have been to overpower him. How scared and humiliated he must have been. It figured that the one major trait Blaine took from her only hurt him in the end.
She wanted to apologize for that. She wanted to scoop her baby up in her arms and hold him and tell him that it would all be okay. April wasn't sure when her feelings began changing; when the sight of a baby being pushed down the street in his stroller filled her with a dull sort of ache. When Will told her that his wife was expecting and April felt the phantom weight of an infant in her arms. It wasn't until she came back to Lima and saw those precious, perfect eyes and her whole life had shaken apart, revealing a core that she had never recognized for what it was.
"I remember that he cried almost constantly," April said, "At least, with me he did. I tried to calm him for hours, but he just kept crying. And then you would walk through the door and pick him up and that was it. You always knew how to make everything better."
Joe was silent at first, and April thought he was ignoring her; then, "Babies aren't that hard to please."
"Yeah, but you always knew exactly what to do," April said, "You would walk through the door and say, 'April, he's hungry. Have you fed him?' and I would feel so stupid."
"What are you doing, April?"
"Remember when you switched him to formula? The face he made at you was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. He was… three months old, I think."
"Yeah. Remember when he got lost at Disneyland when he was three? Or how about that time when he was 13 and he fell through some loose ice in the lake? No? Well how about when he was five, and he came home sobbing because he spent all day at school making a mother's day gift, and he didn't have a mommy to give it to?"
April winced, "Please."
"What, I thought we were playing the memory game here? I just have an advantage when it comes to that particular game since I didn't leave when he was four months old… I was so angry with you, April. Still am."
I didn't understand. I was young and scared, and you were always so good with him. He always cried - "
"- He cried because he was a baby who didn't understand why his mother didn't love him- "
"I want to fix it, Joe. I want to be there for him."
Joe sighed heavily, "What is this, April?"
"I'm ready now. I wasn't before."
"Is this a joke?"
"Of course not…"
"Some method acting bull - "
"He's my son, too! Can't you just accept that?"
"No, I can't," Joe said.
"Ummmm, Joe?"
Kurt Hummel stood at the door, his sweet face unsure. "Come in, Kurt," Joe said gently, and Kurt dived into the room, rushing up to Blaine and taking his hand.
"Hi, Blaine?" Kurt cleared his throat, "It's me, your boyfriend, Kurt? I … I love you."
April, Joe, and Kurt sat and waited with him until visiting hours are over, Kurt mostly chatting to Blaine about things he clearly didn't care about and Joe silently holding Blaine's hand. Occasionally Joe would glance at her, eyes hardening or softening or simply searching, trying to figure out what she was trying to do with his son. After visiting hours, Kurt begged the two of them to come stay at his house.
April lasted on the lumpy hide-a-bed in the Hummel's living room for about twenty minutes. Everyone else had gone straight to bed, but she kept tossing and turning. She had insisted that Joe take the guest bedroom, and she was beginning to regret it. She always slept better with a warm body; perhaps she could sneak in and slide into bed beside him. He would be pissed when he woke up, but April wasn't the best at thinking for tomorrow. April crept upstairs and silently opened the guest room door.
She found Joe sobbing into his pillow. He was silent, but there was no mistaking the way his shoulders shook, or the soft, snuffling breaths he tried to sneak in.
"Joe," April called quietly. She shut the door behind her and walked to the bed, pressing her hand against his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. The damn pillow just smelled like Blaine, and I - " Joe took in a long breath, and stared around the room with wide eyes, "This is where he slept… I should have protected him, April. I should have been there."
"I keep telling myself the same thing," April said.
"I'm sorry. I've been awful to you. I didn't think you were good enough for my boy, but who am I kidding? I'm the worst father Blaine could possibly have."
April knew better than to contradict Joe when he got into one of his moods. She thought for a moment on how best to approach him, "You remember that blonde girl in the waiting room?"
"Yeah."
"Her name's Quinn Fabray. I met her while I was… getting my high school diploma. Head cheerleader , prettiest girl in school, blonde, brown eyed… she kind of reminds me of Blair."
"Who?" Joe asked distantly.
"The daughter you thought we'd have? Blair Aine Anderson, remember? You talked about her constantly while I was pregnant. How she'd be beautiful, like I was? She did remind me of myself. Pregnant at sixteen. Her father had kicked her out of the house when he found out. And I couldn't help wishing that she had been born to you. You would never have abandoned your daughter that way. You would have made her feel loved and safe, helped her with the baby. That's what makes you such a great father, Joe. You're loyal to your child, no matter what."
April fell asleep with her ex-husband's arms around her. She forgot how warm and firm his body was, and she fell asleep peacefully, despite everything else, for the first time in months. The next morning they dressed, silently, and went back to the hospital. For the next several days, they spent all day with Blaine, and slept intertwined in the Hummel's guest room at night. Kurt was always with them, talking to Blaine or watching over Joe. Kurt had dragged Joe to the cafeteria for lunch when it happened.
Blaine's hand twitched in hers.
April watched as Blaine squirmed softly, as he opened those heartbreaking eyes and trained them on her.
"Who are you?" He slurred softly. April smiled, hiding the pain behind carefully crafted joy.
"I'm your mom."
When Joe returned, April was holding her son, pressing his face into her shoulder and kissing his exposed cheek as gently as she knew how. Joe simply nodded.