INT. DANES' HOUSE - BEDROOM – DAY
Luke and Emily stand in a small empty room. Luke is looking a bit overwhelmed.
EMILY
-of course, I told them that it was completely unnecessary; once the child was that old it would want its own room anyway. Though I don't suppose you had to go through any of that with your daughter, did-
Emily breaks off as Richard pushes the door open and Lorelai hobbles into the room on her crutches.
LORELAI
We found you! Wow, this house is incredible, Mom!
EMILY (curtly) Emily whirls around to Lorelai. Emily seems to realise that she's been out-manoeuvred and starts to head for the door.
I know. Luke, why don't we go and look at the gardens? I really want you to see that workshop I was telling you about! If you have a tape measure on you we could measure it if you like – make sure it's
big enough for your boat.
Emily has grabbed Luke's arm again, trying to steer him out of the room. Richard and Luke both see Lorelai slump, defeated. Luke hesitates.
RICHARD
Actually, Emily, there was something I wanted to discuss with Luke.
Richard steps quickly in between Emily and Luke, and pushes Luke towards the door.
RICHARD
Lorelai and I were trying to work out the best way to *mumble mumble*
Richard's last few words are unintelligible.
EMILY
The best way to what? What, Richard?
Richard doesn't respond and the door shuts as he and Luke leave the room.
EMILY
Where are they going?
Beat. Lorelai is looking at the ground.
LORELAI (absently)
Probably to drink scotch and smoke cigars. Maybe pound their chests.
She raises her head and looks around the room.
EMILY
Well we should go after them!
Lorelai doesn't move.
LORELAI
This will make a really great nursery for the baby.
Emily freezes mid-step.
EMILY
What baby?
LORELAI
The baby I'm planning to kidnap from the baby factory.
EMILY
Lorelai, don't be silly. Are you pregnant?
Lorelai shakes her head.
LORELAI
Not yet.
She looks straight at her mom.
LORELAI (cont'd)
But I want to be - soon. And raising a kid in this house, Mom… It's going to be so good.
Lorelai's getting unusually tearful.
LORELAI (cont'd)
This place is perfect and I love it so much. I never… Luke wanted to move last year. He bought Old Man Twickham's house, but I couldn't go through with it 'cause I was happy where I was. But this place…it's perfect. Thank you.
Emily looks momentarily thrown, before she
straightens up and glances at Lorelai coldly.
EMILY (flatly)
Well…you're welcome.
Lorelai is uncomfortable. She doesn't know how to fix this. Emily is now staring out the window.
LORELAI
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my leg, Mom.
EMILY (casually)
Oh? Hmm, yes, well, whatever.
LORELAI
No, don't just say 'whatever'! You're upset. Yell at me. Be angry. You can't keep ignoring me forever.
EMILY
Well would yelling make any difference? I just don't understand why you didn't tell me. You never tell me anything.
LORELAI
That's not true-
Emily whirls to face Lorelai.
EMILY
How did I find out you were marrying Rory's teacher? And then that you weren't? How long did it take till you told me you were dating Luke? Marrying Luke? That Rory was back with her hoodlum boyfriend and that Luke had bought you a house?
LORELAI
Okay, so maybe it's a little bit true-
EMILY
I suppose I should get a subscription to the Stars Hollow newspaper so that when you do get pregnant I can read about it nine months later it in the births notices!
Lorelai is looking even guiltier.
LORELAI
Mom, I wouldn't keep that-
Emily turns back to the window.
EMILY
It hurts, Lorelai! It really hurts.
There's a beat and Lorelai looks around the room thoughtfully before speaking again.
LORELAI
I've been thinking about baby names.
Emily stiffens at the window. She casts a quick glance in Lorelai's direction.
LORELAI
I figure I can't use Lorelai again. I should be more prepared this time. I keep thinking of boy names. I don't know why. Boris? Leopold? Cuthbert? I did think maybe Gertrude for a girl…
Lorelai is struggling to keep a straight face as Emily turns to look at her in horror.
EMILY
Cuthbert? Gertrude?
LORELAI
It's not definite. Maybe Beryl? Egbert?
EMILY
Lorelai, have you lost your-
Emily stops as Lorelai finally gives in and starts to giggle. Emily realises she's been had.
EMILY
Oh, Lorelai!
LORELAI
Mom! Did you really think I'd call my kid Egbert?
Emily is shaking her head and rolling her eyes, trying to stay angry. Lorelai goes back into serious mode, looking straight at Emily.
LORELAI
Seriously though, I have no idea what I'd name them… (beat) I could maybe use some help…
Emily fights a few moments longer to stay angry, before her face relaxes and she smiles.
EMILY
Oh, I have some wonderful ideas! Now you'll have to find something that goes well with Danes.
Emily has moved to Lorelai's side and the two are moving slowly out of the room.
LORELAI
I think pretty much anything goes with Danes.
We can't see them anymore, but their voices carry back, gradually growing fainter.
EMILY (o.s)
Yes, well, not as nicely as Gilmore though. Oh, have you considered David?
LORELAI (o.s)
Ooh, and his middle name could be Bowie! Great idea, Mom.
EMILY (o.s)
No, that wasn't what I…
INT. JESS'S APARTMENT – LOUNGE – NIGHT Jess is eating, but keeps throwing curious, uncertain glances at Rory.
It's dinner time. Ben, and Chris are watching uncertainly as Paris and Rory eat beef stroganoff, though they're barely picking at their own food. Matt is watching her as well, but he's smiling.
PARIS
This is good. Surprisingly good.
Rory grins amiably and the boys seem to relax a bit.
RORY
Isn't it!
PARIS
I mean, when you said beef stroganoff, I was sceptical. I was expecting something from a packet.
Chris scowls at the mention of 'packets.'
RORY
Ah, Chris doesn't believe in packets. He's amazing in the kitchen.
PARIS
Oh, I didn't say it was amazing. I mean, would it have killed him to be a little more generous with the mushrooms?
RORY
Paris! He's sitting right here!
PARIS
Sorry. (to Rory) That was rude, wasn't it? (to Chris) You should use more mushrooms next time.
Chris just gapes, not sure how to respond. Matt looks at Paris with adoration and holds out his plate.
MATT
You can have some of my mushrooms if you want.
Paris blinks, and looks at Rory in consternation.
PARIS
Is he being serious?
Rory opens her mouth to reply.
JESS (quickly)
So, Paris, are you staying long?
RORY
Just till tomorrow- if that's okay with you guys?
Chris and Ben shrug and nod.
CHRIS
Whatever it takes, if it'll get us out of this mess. We've been fielding Huntzberger calls all week and we're all out of ideas on how to fix things.
MATT
It's definitely okay. She can stay forever if she wants.
Matt is still beaming at Paris, who keeps eating, completely oblivious. The rest of the group look at each other in consternation. There's a short pause.
JESS
So how exactly were you going to save us?
Rory opens her mouth but looks uncomfortable as she searches for something to say. Paris notices.
PARIS
I'm going to make this whole thing go away. That's what you want right? To stay independent of the Huntzberger Corporation?
CHRIS
Hell yes. But how can you-
PARIS
I'm Paris Gellar. This is what I do. I haven't spent three years at Yale without picking up a thing or two about contract law and-
JESS
Wait. I thought you were pre-med?
Paris looks at Jess like he's just asked her why she wears shoes.
PARIS
I am, but I'm not an idiot! I'm taking courses in Law, Economics and Engineering as well.
MATT
Wow! You're amazing.
RORY
She's Paris.
MATT
I know. And she's amazing.
Paris suddenly seems to realise the goonie eyed look that Matt is giving her and stands up quickly, empty plate in hand.
PARIS
Um, okay, so I'm going to call Doyle. Check in.
She starts to head for the door.
PARIS (muttering to herself)
See if he's done any of the things I asked him to. Those light fixtures won't clean themselves.
She hesitates in the doorway and turns back to face the group.
PARIS
Oh, um…thank you for dinner.
Rory smirks and rolls her eyes as Paris leaves.
BEN
So…that's Paris.
JESS
That's her.
MATT
She's incredible! Who's Doyle?
INT. LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT
Zach enters the diner, which is empty, save for Luke, who stands at the counter, tallying receipts.
ZACH
Wow! I've never seen this place so empty.
Luke glances around briefly.
LUKE
Well it's past Kirk's bedtime.
Zach chuckles a bit as he sits on a stool.
ZACH
Right… How old is he?
LUKE
No one knows.
Zach scratches his head.
ZACH
Right. (beat) Something happened to him, didn't it? When he was…
Zach holds his hands apart, trying to imply a baby.
ZACH
A baby?
Luke looks confused.
LUKE
Did you want something?
ZACH
Oh, uh…yeah, gimme a plate of fries. And do you have any mayonnaise?
LUKE
This is a diner.
Zach looks at Luke expectantly, waiting for him to continue, before he realises Luke's meaning.
ZACH
Oh! Yeah, it is! So you have mayo. Great. Great.
Luke goes into the kitchen briefly, and Zach sits awkwardly at the counter. When Luke reappears they just stare at each other for a moment.
LUKE
Zach, was there something else-
The door swings open violently and T.J. bursts inside.
T.J.
Man, Luke, you gotta help me!
LUKE
T.J.? What's wrong?
T.J. takes a seat next to Zach and slumps dramatically.
T.J.
Your sister! All she wants to do is have sex with me! Now, normally I wouldn't complain, but-
Luke looks horrified and backs away, covering his ears.
LUKE
T.J. stop talking! Please! I can't hear this.
ZACH
Hey, it's your wife that's pregnant too, right?!
T.J.
She sure is. And man, those hormones are making her incredibly horny!
ZACH
Lane's the same. I mean, for ages she didn't want to sleep with me at all, now I can't be at home without her tearing all my clothes off.
Luke still has his hands to his ears and he's now screwing his eyes closed.
T.J.
I know! It's exhausting. I don't know where they get all the energy from-
LUKE
Oh, god…no…oh…jeez…
T.J. (to Zach)
What's up with him?
ZACH
I think he's sensitive.
T.J.
Hey, come on, Luke! We're all men here. We can talk about this. What about Lorelai? Are you going to knock her up soon? Wow, it's going to be like Stars Hollow: The Next Generation with all these babies running around.
ZACH
I didn't think babies ran…
T.J.
Oh. Yeah, well, maybe not right away, but when they get bigger... Hey, Luke, how long did it take before April started running around?
Luke has given up trying to shut out the conversation. He's just moving further down the counter, away from Zach and T.J.
LUKE
I don't know. I wasn't there, remember? I didn't meet April until she was twelve.
ZACH
Oh yeah. Man, that's harsh. You missed out on all the cute kid stuff.
T.J.
Well, when you and Lorelai start making babies, let me know when things happen. I've never done this dad stuff before. It's freaking me out.
LUKE
T.J. – Lorelai's not even pregnant yet. Your kid's going to be born first! You're going to do the dad stuff way before me.
T.J.
Huh. Yeah. I guess you're right. Wow! Didn't expect that. I'm going to be the first dad!
ZACH
You're starting the next generation.
T.J.
I am- hey! We should drink to that. Luke, you got any beer in here?
LUKE
This is a diner.
Zach and T.J. both look thrown for a moment, before Zach understands.
ZACH
Oh! I think that means no. But he has mayonnaise!
INT. JESS'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Rory is washing dishes, while Jess dries them.
JESS
So how come you didn't tell me Paris was coming?
Rory is a bit nervous and off through this whole conversation.
RORY
I didn't know. Well…not for certain. I…I spoke to her a couple of days ago and she thought maybe she could help, but I didn't want to say anything until it was sure. But then it was…probably…I think we can fix it now.
Jess arches an eyebrow curiously.
JESS
So…how?
RORY
Believe me, the details are better off kept in Paris's head. She, uh, tried explaining it to me and I got a migraine. You know what she's like. But she really does just want to help, so I hope the guys are really okay with it… Maybe I'm- she's- we're putting our noses in where we don't belong but… We want to help.
Jess is clearly still a bit suspicious, but after placing the last dish in the cupboard he pulls Rory to him and kisses her head.
JESS
Okay. I trust you. And her.
Rory smiles, relaxing a little.
RORY
Good. And you think the guys are okay with it?
JESS
Once Matt gets over his broken heart, it'll all be fine.
Rory smiles again and kisses Jess properly. Things are starting to heat up when Paris appears in the doorway and clears her throat. Rory and Jess pull apart reluctantly.
PARIS
If you two are done, Rory and I have work to do.
RORY
Okay. I know. I'm here. Let's go.
Rory heads towards Paris and the two turn to leave.
JESS
Need any help?
RORY/PARIS (quickly)
No!
Jess watches them go, still looking uncertain.
INT. GILMORE HOUSE - LOUNGE – NIGHT
Lorelai is reclined on the couch watching TV as Luke enters.
LUKE
Did I do something really awful one day? Does the universe hate me?
Luke collapses into the armchair.
LORELAI
What' wrong? Did my mother come after you? 'Cause seriously, she was starting to give me the willies, the way she kept dragging you into all of those bedrooms.
LUKE
Ah, jeez, Lorelai!
LORELAI
Hey! I'm just saying…
LUKE
You two made up, right?
LORELAI
As much as we ever do. But be warned, we may have to call any future children Harrison or Anastasia.
Luke snorts.
LUKE
That's nothing. You should hear Liz and T.J.'s list of baby names.
LORELAI
I can imagine. Oh, so why do you think the universe is out to get you?
LUKE
T.J.
LORELAI
Oh. What happened?
LUKE
Nothing happened. But the guy is completely cracked. He's worse than Kirk!
LORELAI
Wow, that is ba-
LUKE
And then when he starts double-teaming me with Zach…
LORELAI
I like Zach. He's goofy but sweet.
Luke scoffs.
LUKE
Well just wait until he starts asking you questions about how did it feel giving birth, or how often did you have to change Rory's diapers…
LORELAI
Ew! Luke! You've ruined it now.
LUKE
Ruined what?
Lorelai gestures to the TV.
LORELAI
Jamie Oliver was making Yorkshire Puddings and they looked really good. I was going to ask you to make me some but then you killed my appetite… Actually, no, I think I'm all right. Luke?
LUKE
Lorelai?
Lorelai grins at Luke and bats her eyelashes.
LORELAI
Can you make Yorkshire Puddings?
LUKE
I think I have a recipe somewhere.
LORELAI
Now?
LUKE
It's nearly ten o'clock! I'll make them tomorrow.
Luke moves to help Lorelai off the couch and on to her crutches.
LORELAI
Promise?
LUKE
As long as you make sure I never have to deal with Wonder Dad and Wonder Dumber again.
LORELAI
Deal. Wait – T.J. asked you what it was like to give birth?
INT. JESS'S APARTMENT - DAY
Paris is alone at the coffee table with the papers spread out again, though there are fewer papers this time. Rory enters, carrying coffee.
PARIS
We should work for the CIA. Or the NSA. No way would Hitler have lost the war if we'd been working for him. We'd have conquered Europe and he'd have his Aryan race all right.
Rory places the coffee on the table.
RORY
Um, Paris? Aren't you Jewish?
PARIS
My parents like to think so, but I'm realistic. In a time of war, you want to be on the strongest side. And I'm just saying that's whichever side we're on. You and me Gilmore: we're indomitable. Huntzberger's going to wish his whole family was wiped out in the-
RORY
Paris!
PARIS
Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but-
Rory's phone starts to ring. She answers it quickly, still looking a bit freaked by Paris's apparent bloodlust.
RORY
Hello?
INT. LOGAN'S OFFICE – DAY We cut between these two scenes.
Logan sits at his desk as he talks on his phone.
LOGAN
Hey, Ace. How'd it go?
Rory looks immediately awkward and glances at Paris.
RORY
Um, Logan. Hi! It's…I think we found it.
PARIS (muttering -proudly)
Oh, we definitely found it.
Logan looks impressed.
LOGAN
Wow. I knew you would. You always were an incredible reporter.
Rory smiles, pleased at Logan's compliment.
RORY
Well, I had help.
Beat. Logan looks like he's afraid to ask who.
PARIS
And you needed it! I'm not saying you would have folded at the first battle, but you're definitely the type to need backup.
LOGAN
Wait – is that Paris?
Rory waves her hand at Paris, trying to keep her quiet.
RORY
Yeah, that's her. She's my go-to-girl.
Logan relaxes at this.
LOGAN
Well, say hi for me. And…I was actually calling to tell you something.
RORY
Oh?
LOGAN
Yeah…my dad is on a business trip. He's supposed to be in Philly tomorrow.
Rory takes a deep breath.
RORY
Okay. Wow. That's…convenient. And soon.
LOGAN
Yeah, well I figured I'd let you know. He'll be staying at the Four Seasons. Maybe you can catch him off guard.
RORY
Hopefully. Well, thanks, Logan.
LOGAN
I hope it works out for you, Ace.
RORY
Me too. Um, goodbye.
LOGAN
Bye.
Logan sits staring at the phone, after Rory has already hung up. He sighs and groans to himself.
LOGAN
I miss you.
INT. FOUR SEASONS – LOBBY – DAY
Rory stands at the desk, speaking to the concierge, though we can't hear what's being said. The concierge picks up a phone and speaks to someone, then gestures for Rory to head towards the lifts. She nods a thank you.
INT. FOUR SEASONS – CORRIDOR – DAY
Rory knocks on the door of one of the hotel suites. She's clutching a folder under her arm.
MITCHUM (O.S)
Come in.
She takes a breath, shakes her head and straightens her back before she enters.
INT. FOUR SEASONS – MITCHUM'S SUITE – DAY
Mitchum Huntzberger is standing in the middle of the room, looking at Rory with interested surprise.
MITCHUM
Rory Gilmore; I didn't expect to see you here. When the concierge told me who was visiting I thought I'd lost my mind.
Rory smiles politely.
RORY
No. You haven't.
MITCHUM
Well then, what can I do for you? You're not here to yell at me again about Logan are you?
Rory blushes a little, but then regains her posture.
RORY
Not this time. Logan and I are over.
MITCHUM
I thought so. I'm sorry about that. So…what's this about?
RORY
It's about a small publishing house your company is trying to take over: Truncheon Books.
Mitchum looks thoughtful for a second and then nods.
MITCHUM
That's right. I remember that one.
Rory's lip curls in disgust at the way Mitchum just dismisses Truncheon as 'that one.'
RORY
Good. I suppose you also remember all of the benefits that your membership into the Life and Death Brigade has gotten you over the years?
Mitchum looks completely thrown, but Rory isn't paying attention to him. She's pulled a page from her folder.
RORY
The Judges and DA's that just dismiss Logan's cases? The 'almost-but-not-quite' insider trading? 'Accidentally' mis-managing shareholder records so you get more control than you were supposed to have? You've got friends in high places.
MITCHUM
Yes, I do, but what-
RORY
How many of those friends know what you were doing in 1972?
There's a pause before Mitchum gets a look of realisation. Mitchum goes to the mini-bar and starts to pour himself a drink.
MITCHUM
You want a drink? I need a drink.
RORY
I'll pass, thanks. I'm going to assume your friends don't know that you tried buying your way into The Skulls, by selling them out.
He laughs dryly.
MITCHUM
It didn't work.
RORY
Do you think that'll make a difference to the Life and Death Brigade?
Mitchum sighs and takes a swig.
MITCHUM
What do you want, Miss Gilmore?
Rory is looking smugly pleased.
RORY
I want your corporation to leave Truncheon alone. They don't want your investment money. Ross Miller signed with them, fair and square.
Mitchum smiles and shakes his head ruefully.
MITCHUM
I really did underestimate you.
RORY
Yes. You did.
Mitchum takes a swig of his drink.
MITCHUM
Very well. We'll back off. Consider Truncheon safe.
RORY
Thank you.
MITCHUM
How did you find out any of this?
Rory looks mock horrified.
RORY
Are you asking me to reveal my sources?!
Mitchum chuckles.
MITCHUM
Well played, Rory. Well played. I should have kept you on when I had the chance.
Rory shrugs.
RORY
Probably. Well…I think I'm done here.
Mitchum just holds a hand out in defeat.
MITCHUM
Really? You don't want to yell at me for anything?
Rory smiles to herself as she heads to the door.
RORY
No. I'm good.
Mitchum just watches as Rory exits. He stares at the door, looking bemused and a little bit impressed. He takes another drink.
***
A/N: And, scene. So I never really got around to the cotillion stuff that happened in the real episode, but it just didn't seem relevant to this reality. Tune in next week (*cough* next month...) for my version of 'S Wonderful, 'S Marvellous. (And review this one!)
Cheers!
VC