Chapter 21
Marily Monroe said: "I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They obviously loved somebody I wasn't."
Inside me I was feeling the same.. Especially after realizing who I was.. After realizing that my own mother didn't bother to find out who I was or what I wanted.. Instead I always let her invent a character she liked.. The good daughter, the good student.. And its not that I wasn't those things.. But I was Spencer.. And I wanted to be me.. Something she would never understand.. Or at least make the effort to..
I was debating with myself for a long time if I should talk to my parents about me and Ashley.. I didn't know if I should bring her up or just say that I was realizing that I liked girls more than boys.. Or was it just Ashley I liked only? Surely I was in love with this person.. I made love with this person.. But did I like another girl? Till her I never thought about it.. But with her I realized the missing puzzle of my life.. I didn't want to label myself.. I just knew one thing.. I loved Ashley.. And Ashley was a girl..
Easter week came faster than I expected.. And Ashley would leave for two weeks.. Two long weeks without holding her hand, kissing her, without feeling her naked body on mine.. Oh my.. She was driving me insane only in thought..
It was a day before she would leave me behind with just her thought and my heart was already hurting for being two weeks away from her.. I couldn't imagine what would happen later or when we would be apart for months.. No.. I promised myself I wouldn't think of that.. We still had time..
While I was walking to my class I saw Ashley from afar and I smiled.. Before I got closer though Aiden stood in the middle blocking us for reaching each other..
"Spencer.. How are you?"
"I am good.. Sorry I need to get to my class.."
"I thought I should tell you that we will spend Easter Sunday together.." he said with a smirk on his face.. What was he saying and why I didn't know anything about it?
"Why and how?"
"Your mother didn't tell you? She invited me for dinner.."
"She did not such a thing.."
"She did.. See you Spence.."
I wanted to kill my mother for interfering one more time in my life.. When Aiden left Ashley came and touched my arm with worry in her eyes..
"What is it?"
"Nothing.."
"What Aiden wanted Spence?"
"Nothing.. He just wants to get under my skin.." I thought about telling her but then I decided that it wasn't that important because Aiden was playing with me.. If my mom invited him I would know.. My father would mention something and they both didn't.. "Let's go inside.. Shall we?"
All the time I was thinking about what Aiden said.. Was he telling me the truth? And if so then why didn't my mother say anything? Did she want to surprise me? Try to make me be with him again?
"Will you come home tonight?"
"Yeah.. Is it ok round 6pm?"
"Yes it is.. See you then"
It was our last night together.. I asked my parents if I could stay with her tonight but my mom refused.. She said that it was a school day but at least my dad told me to go at Ashley's but be back before 11..
Her parents were home so we wouldn't be able to be intimate.. Not that it stopped us before.. But tonight I just wanted to spend time with her.. Memorize her.. Hold her in my arms.. Play with her hair that I so loved.. I just wanted to be with her..
"I'll miss you..
"We will talk.."
"I know.. I'll just miss being around you.."
"I'll be back before you know it Spence.."
"You better.."
I wanted to say 'what about when we take different paths'? 'what about when we will both study in different states?' I must admit that I even considered changing my preference and choosing Berkeley.. At least we would be at the same state.. But could I do that? Could I do that for someone? Even for Ashley? I know Harvard wasn't my dream but my mom's.. But Harvard had an exceptional school and they had one of the departments in English literature.. And that was my dream.. To become an English teacher.. But following that dream it would mean I would leave Ashley behind.. No.. I wouldn't think of that yet..
"It's almost 10.30.. I don't want your parents to think I am a bad influence.."
"Aren't you?" I said with a smirk..
"You know what I mean.." she took out her tongue and shoved me a little on the side.. She then came on top of me and gave me a kiss that was so sweet but yet so powerful.. When she stopped I wanted more.. Damn her..
"Come on Spencie.. Lets get up.." she took my hands in hers and held me in a tight hug.. She didn't let me though before giving me another kiss.. "Be a good girl while I am gone.. Ok?"
"You too.. I'll miss you.."
"Me too.. I.. Ehm, I.. I'll see you soon then.. And we will face time anyway.."
"You better keep your promise.. Have fun.."
We hugged one last time and we went downstairs where I said my goodnight to her parents and we both walked outside to my car..
"Drive safe.. Text me when you get home.."
"I will.. Goodnight Ash.."
"Goodnight Spence.."
I was home before 11.. I said my goodnight to my parents and went back to my room to change and get ready for bed.. When I was under covers I thought of Ashley.. How much in love I was with her.. But then why couldn't I tell her.. I had a feeling though that she was feeling the same..
I am home.. Safe and sound –Spencer
I am glad you are.. Under covers already? –Ashley
I am yes.. I wish I was sleeping with you tonight though. In your arms.. –Spencer
I know.. I wish you could too.. –Ashley..
Two weeks is too much – Spencer
Time will fly.. You will see –Ashley
Ash.. -Spencer
Yes.. –Ashley
I love you.. –Spencer.. I couldn't believe I said it.. I never thought I could voice it but I couldn't help it anymore.. I did love her.. I loved her for quite some time now.. There was a long pause to her message and I could feel my heart ready to break.. Didn't she love me back? Was it a mistake? Before I drive myself more crazy I got an answer..
I love you too –Ashley
TBC
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