Chapter 21. Hope you like. Loving the reviews so far. Keep them up. Enjoy! x

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. - Mark Twain

Wednesday 12th January 2005 - 4:00pm

Dear Diary,

I went back to school today, probably a good idea, if I'm going to stay alive. I wasn't missed, that was obvious. But of course, because of my disappearance yesterday, all the gossip, was still there. Nobody seemed to be bothered about Edward Cullen's disappearance & he's been nearly gone a week. But he may do this often. That makes me feel slightly better. If only the slightest.

Today, was well normal, in retrospect to the others. Well normall-er, you could say. It still wasn't the norm, I'd experienced back in Phoenix.

I woke up, way too late. I got dressed in the space of ten minutes. Obviously I hadn't slept much last night. I didn't bother with breakfast. Not that I do much these days anyway. I didn't get time to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Wouldn't matter anyway. People would laugh at me, no matter what.

Suzie, has always been interested in fashion. For as long as I've known her, the majority of her wardrobe is designer, with big price tags. I have never really cared. In many respects it's merely as I'm lazy, about it, spending hours on hairs, just seemed ridiculous to me. Although I can hardly talk or think rather. As long as I looked respectable. This morning, I was hardly respectable though.

I got to school an good ten minutes late. First class, was English, luckily. Mr Mason, might be a grumpy old arse, but he's fair. He doesn't seem to have a problem with my um disability. He let me off, with a warning. Fair enough. Didn't bother me.

What did bother me though. Was the kids all staring at me. I mean am I really that interesting. I've always wanted to be noticed. In Phoenix, it was all I wanted. But certainly not in this way.

Of course, Lauren, biggest bitch of them all, had to have her two cents worth.

When I was busy, drafting up my Shakespeare essay, she came over to me pretending she needed an eraser. Eraser. Huh, I'd like to erase, her from existence.

"Where were you yesterday then?" She asked, in a totally fake, cheerful tone. Ugh, it was completely obvious what she was doing. I'd had this time & time again, in Phoenix. This wasn't going to be any difference. Honestly, you'd think people would learn some new tricks.

"Oh, not answering. That's a bit rude." She spoke to me, like I was a toddler or something. That seriously pissed me off.

"Answer me, freak." She had practically shouted. Bad move, on her behalf. Mr Mason, was now looking up as us. Didn't say, anything, though did he.

She practically snarled at me, like if somehow this was all my fault. I hadn't said anything. I couldn't say anything.

"Leave, you fucking speechless cow. You're not wanted." She then said, before walking back to her table.

Her friends, were all giggling over with her. I think, she'd thought she'd won. Fat chance. After all, that has happened recently, her words were nothing. She'd have to try a whole lot harder than that.

And if she thought, I'm leaving, she has another thing coming. I decided right then diary, that I'm going to give this Forks thing ago. Maybe for all the wrong reasons.

Yes, it had everything to do with the hallucinations & the dream. I can't deny that. But it's so odd how it's just happening now. It's like its drawing me, with a magnet, closer & closer to Forks. It's not that I have enjoyed any of this. I want it to stop. I want it, more than anything to stop. But I also want it to continue. I'm intrigued at myself, in a unknown & unhealthy way.

I also need to find out the mystery, that is Edward Cullen. He still hasn't appeared of course. I don't actually think, he ever will, but I try not to think about this, as somehow, it makes me feel sad. Even I can't begin to comprehend that one. As, If I wasn't screwed up enough.

His family, are all still here, which probably makes it that bit stranger. I stayed in the toilets, for the remainder of the lunch today, not even bothering to eat lunch. I wasn't hungry, I was too preoccupied.

It was while I was walking to the bathroom. That I noticed Edwards sister, the raven haired, smaller one, Alice. She was accompanied, by the rest of the family & they all engrossed in conversation. It looked, like a scene off a movie, full of beautiful people.

In fact, I couldn't help think, that they were doing to on purpose. As if they were acting this way, just to make it known, that they were outcasts, that they are absorbed in their own worlds.

It was then, for that strange reason. That I felt like, I needed to talk to her, but of course I couldn't talk to her. But I felt, like I should try to communicate with her. Edward Cullen's disappearance, was making me scarily even more intrigued. She would have all the answers. And she looked, if anything, the least intimidating of the bunch.

And this was just because of her size, there was something in her posture, her features, her smile, the whole way she acted.

But just as, I was about to take a step forward, to her, she looked straight at me. She seemed to take, my whole body in within a second. It was I have to admit, quite frightening. Something, in her eyes, I knew she was terrified about something.

She opened her mouth & started to say. "Be…" Before the blonde girl, Rosalie, I think, cut her off, whispering quite bloodcurdling angrily at her. It was impossible to make out, what she had said, even in the close proximity between us.

The blonde, then glared at me. It was awful. Made me chill from the top of my body to my toes. Laurens threatening stares, were nothing compared to Rosalie's, painful ones.

I walked away then & so did they. But at least, I had had two of my questions answered without, even saying a word.

Did I have anything to do with Edward's Disappearance? Yes.

Did they know, the reason why? Most definitely so.

I couldn't forget this for the rest of the afternoon, it almost pushed my thoughts of last nights dream, behind me. All these thoughts combined, made me slow during biology & even more lackadaisical in gym, than usual.

Fortuitously, this made school pass, that bit faster.

I still can't help but think, that all this happening, at once. It's unusual, strange, frightening- most definitely & somehow it may even all be connected.

That dream, even now that very part, where we're speaking, it's burned in my memory, like an stone imprint. I know, I shouldn't but the more I think about it, the more, I'm beginning to believe that it's an actual memory.

But I shouldn't believe this. I mean first the whole hallucination thing, now this. Its must have been something, I'd ate or something. It can't be real. I don't believe in all this supernatural mumbo jumbo. I'd given up on all that years ago. And I shouldn't be believing this now.

If anyone could hear, they would think I was insane. I'm not telling anyone. Not even Suzie, who's put up with an awful,lot of my shit over the years. Not even David, who's had to put up with my shit even longer. Not my mother who I am closest to, more than anyone in the word. Certainly, not Charlie, that would be just too, unfair. It is bad enough he has to live with me. Never mind put up with my crap. Nope, I'm certainly, not going to mention, it to anyone. Not a single human being. Not a soul.

Especially not Dr Caroline Slater. My new shrink.

Charlie, dropped a bombshell, on me earlier. I'm going to see her tonight. Only a swift visit. Apparently she just wants to get to know me. I've never had a different psychiatrist than Dr West before, so this should be interesting.

She's apparently one of the best & a good friend of his though. So no doubt she'll be an overly arrogant, boring, not it all cow. Great, I'm really looking forward to it.

She can't be as bad as Dr West, though. No ones that bad.

Still, doesn't make me angry & even slightly nervous at the thought of seeing her. Maybe she'll just get it over with & diagnose me as a nutcase. That would be doing us all a favour.

So, I'm about to take an hours drive to this little sea side city called Port Angeles to see the cruddy cow.

Oh, well. Life sucks that way & death doesn't seem like an option right now.

Hopefully she doesn't make me play chess. That would make me put her, in my good books anyway.

I've seen enough chequered boards to last me a life time.

Yours

Bella

So, that's chapter 21. Tell me what you think. Reviews are always fantastic, as you know. Thanks x