Thanks, as always, to Ms. Ambrosia and Browns.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
EPOV
Bella and I never made it to Forks.
I had been very lucky the entire time I was dating Bella in the fact that my shifts at the hospital hadn't been too insane. Apparently my run of good luck was over, as the last two weeks had been busier than ever. We were extremely short staffed, especially with Matthews still away dealing with his family emergency.
I had been working for days at a time, barely getting time to sleep in the on-call room, much less go home and crawl into my own bed - or Bella's.
We survived on text messages and phone calls. I missed her so badly it sometimes hurt to breathe, but knowing she'd be there when I got home made it easier. And I always went home to her, never going back to my own apartment. Emmett had called me at one point and left a message asking if he could box my shit up and send it over to the girls' apartment. He was looking to turn my room into a home gym.
I texted him back telling him to fuck off.
Honestly though, he had a point. I was never there anymore, only stopping in for a minute or two on my way home from the hospital to grab a quick change of clothes and my mail. I was gone minutes later, heading straight out the door to get to my girl.
I debated asking her about moving in together; maybe either getting our own place or maybe asking Emmett and Alice if they'd be open to swapping apartments. I held back, knowing that it just wasn't the right time. With me working so much, it wouldn't be fair to ask Bella to be alone all that time. It wasn't fair to my sister to steal her best friend and roommate from her. I also had a sneaking suspicion that Emmett and Rosalie would be moving in together sooner rather than later. I was willing to wait a little while to see if my hunch was right.
I had decided in the two weeks since Alice's opening that the "wait and see" approach seemed to be the best way to go with everything in my life. It was difficult, though. There was one huge thing I wanted done and settled, and knowing there was nothing I could do about Tanya or the baby was torturous.
The good thing about being so busy at work was that Tanya and I had very little time to interact. There were moments when she'd catch me, asking if we could talk, but I didn't even have to make up an excuse to avoid doing so since we were both so busy.
If were weren't working together at the hospital, she was calling my cell phone, leaving messages about meeting to talk or asking me to take her to her next doctor's appointment. I would usually ignore the call if I was around to get it, or if I wasn't, would wait a bit before I'd text her back and tell her we could talk later. I was avoiding her like the plague, and I knew that wasn't any way to handle things either.
I didn't want to talk to her, but I knew we needed to. However, there was something about the way she was acting. She was too sweet, too demure. She caressed her stomach whenever she was around me, almost as if she was trying to bring my attention to it and remind me that she was expecting.
Like I would be able to forget it.
I hadn't trusted her since the moment she told me she was pregnant, but I had wavered from time to time, unable to wrap my head around Tanya's treachery stretching so far. But since our run-in at Alice's store, she had been popping up more and more, being very clingy and touchy. It was clear her intention was to let everyone know she was pregnant and that the child was mine.
I was trying to take my Dad's advice and stay civil, but biting my tongue and not ripping into Tanya was difficult.
Telling my parents about her pregnancy was hard, but not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I knew they would be disappointed, but they were honest and supportive and that's all I could have asked for.
The conversation had taken place a few days after their return to Forks. I had returned home before midnight on the Wednesday after their Sunday departure and took the chance that my parents would still be awake. Honestly, all I'd wanted to do was climb into bed with Bella, wrap my arms around her and sleep for nine uninterrupted hours, but I knew I couldn't put off the conversation any longer. Mom was already disappointed that we wouldn't be able to go home that weekend, thanks to my crazy work schedule.
My parents had reacted very much the way I expected them to. They were disappointed I hadn't broken up with Tanya when I realized things between us weren't going anywhere, believing it was unfair to her to keep her in a relationship I hadn't been invested in. They also weren't too happy with the fact that I had yet to speak to her about her pregnancy. My mother told me in no uncertain terms that she expected better of me in that respect.
All that being said, they also gave me their unconditional love, support and advice. My father cautioned me to be careful in my dealings with Tanya and not make an awkward situation worse by fighting with her. If the baby turned out to be mine, it would be best for all involved if we could at least be cordial to one another.
They sent their love to Bella and told me to take care of her throughout all of this. They were worried about me, but I knew my mother was increasingly worried about Bella as well. She had been unable to share her concerns with me outside that one conversation we had the day before Alice's store had opened. After spending opening weekend with Bella, Mom was convinced more than ever that Bella was struggling much more than any of us had realized.
After I hung up with my parents and lay in bed with Bella that night, I stayed awake thinking. Had I been so wrapped up in my life that I had missed the very things about her that caused my mother so much worry? Had I been so consumed with up my own life, my own worries, and in my love for Bella that I had completely missed the fact that my girl was struggling and hurting?
It bothered me more than I could say that she might have been hiding things from me, and that I might have had my head so far up my ass that I could not see if she was truly okay or not. I vowed to do better at watching over her and make sure she was all right.
The next morning, I showed up at work tired, but determined. I was going to beg, borrow and plead to get a day off so I could spend it with Bella. I wanted to just have a little time together to forget the craziness that surrounded us. I wanted her to know that despite everything, I was there if she needed me and always would be. I hoped she would open up to me and let me know what was on her mind.
Dr. Bradley wasn't thrilled with my request, but she must have been in a good mood because she managed to get me the following Sunday off by switching a few people around. Thankfully, I had worked enough overtime the last couple weeks that calling in the favor hadn't been too difficult.
The next week and a half passed in a blur, and I barely stopped to say goodbye to anyone as I left the hospital. I arrived home in an excellent mood, knowing I would have the entire next day alone with Bella. She was already in bed and asleep by the time I got there, and I crawled into bed after my shower feeling wide-awake and playful.
I wonder how much trouble I'll be in if I woke her up.
Deciding to chance it, I pulled down the covers and began running my fingers lightly over her bare arms and legs. She was dressed in one of my t-shirts and I could see the barest hint of her panties from beneath it. Moving my fingers up under the hem of the shirt, I traced the edge of the cotton of her underwear, eliciting a moan from my girl.
I raised my head as she turned over, not once removing my fingers from her skin. I smirked as she looked at me sleepily.
"Wha...what time is it?" She blinked, and then rubbed her eyes.
"Just after one-thirty in the morning..." My hand glided gently over the swell of her ass cheeks, under the t-shirt but above her underwear. Bella's eyes slid shut and a soft moan escaped her lips.
"I missed you tonight." She opened her eyes and moved closer to me.
"I miss you every night I'm not with you." I leaned down and brushed my lips over hers.
"Well, yeah..." No sooner were the words out of her mouth than she was on me, pushing me onto my back and straddling my waist. Her hands were lying on each side of my head, as mine came up to stroke her back. Our mouths moved together, tongues tangling.
I sat up, pushing Bella into a sitting position on my lap. I took her hands in mine and raised her arms up over her head. Our gazes didn't break as I inched my t-shirt up over her stomach and breasts. Her eyes slid shut as my hands drifted over her skin and I raised the shirt over her head. I threw the shirt across the room as her arms floated down and came to rest on my shoulders.
"Make love to me." She kissed me gently.
My hands drifted up her sides and over her breasts. Bella's head fell back and I leaned up to nip at her throat. My lips moved down her neck and over her breasts. Reaching out with my tongue, I flicked her nipple and her hands moved into my hair, pulling me closer to her. Moving her off of me, I laid her down on the bed, where her head spread out in a pool of chestnut over the midnight blue sheets. I leaned over her, picking up my kissing where I had left off. I lightly bit her nipple, and her chest bowed up off the bed, her hands back in my hair. I smiled against her skin as I moved down her body, nipping lightly at her stomach. Her hands pushed at my shoulders, letting me know without a word exactly where she wanted me to go next.
I pulled her panties off and pushed her knees up until her feet were flat on the bed. Settling myself down between them, I took my fingers and spread her open. I felt myself grow harder at the sight of her wetness and unable to wait a minute longer, I dove into heaven.
Bella moaned loudly above me, pulling my hair with her hands. It didn't take long before she was calling out my name as she came.
I raised myself above her, and as she shook from her orgasm, I plunged into her. We both groaned at the sensation, and I tried to take it slow, but it didn't take me long to pick up my pace. Bella's nails scratched down my back and gripped my ass, pulling me into her further. As she reached her summit for the second time, I followed right behind her.
I moved so I was lying next to her instead of crushing her with my weight. She snuggled up against me, throwing one leg over mine and draping her arm over my waist.
"I love you," she whispered softly.
"I love you, more."
Kissing her hair, I fell into slumber.
I woke up to the sound of rain on the window. I could hear the slightest sounds of music coming from the other room. Suddenly feeling wide-awake, I jumped up, slipped on a pair of pants and bounded out of the room.
Bella was in the kitchen, the sounds of Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" coming through the iHome speakers. Her back was to me as she stood at the stove stirring something. I wasn't sure if she heard me or just sensed my presence, but she spoke without turning around.
"How would you like your eggs this morning, Dr. Cullen?"
Fuck, the sound of her voice gets me hard.
"I'll take them however you make them, baby."
She turned over her shoulder, looked at me and tossed me a saucy wink.
God, I love this woman.
Walking over to stand behind her, I rested my hands on her hips and my chin on her shoulder. She leaned up and back to kiss my cheek, but when she tried to turn her attention back to the bacon she was frying, I turned her face back to mine. Taking her chin in my hand, I moved my lips to hers.
We stood there, lost in each other for a few minutes before we finally came back to our senses. Bella smiled and pecked my lips once more before turning back to the food. I released her and walked to the fridge, pulling out a carton of orange juice.
"What time do you have to go into work today?" she asked me as I poured two glasses full.
"I don't. I'm off today." I set out plates and silverware on the breakfast bar. I looked up to find Bella staring at me, a huge smile on her face.
"You mean I get you to myself all day?" There was no mistaking the glee in her voice.
"Yup."
Picking up the platter of bacon and eggs she created, she brought it over and placed it in front of me on the counter.
"Best. Sunday. Ever." She stood on her tiptoes to give me a kiss.
"Agreed." I pulled out her chair, and allowed her to sit before pulling it as close to me as possible. We smiled at each other as we ate; Bella kept giggling at me as I tried to steal the last piece of bacon off her plate.
"Dr. Cullen, don't you know large amounts of bacon aren't good for you?" She laughed as she pushed my hand away as it crept toward her plate.
"Exactly, which is why I'm trying to get it away from you. I need to make sure you aren't doing anything to endanger yourself. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take one for the team here, Bella." As my left hand moved steadily toward her plate, my right was creeping up her thigh.
She foiled both my plans by hopping up off the other side of her stool. As she rose, she grabbed the bacon and moved quickly away. "You got to be faster than that if you want to steal my bacon, sweetheart." With a wink and an evil cackle, she took off up the hallway.
I was seconds behind her.
She didn't have time to shut the bedroom door before I got there. She ran to put the bed between us, laughing so hard she was having a hard time catching her breath.
It was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.
The bacon had disappeared somewhere and Bella was breathing hard as she faced me over our bed. I leaned over, putting my hands flat on the mattress and grinned at her.
"Whatever will I do with you, Ms. Swan?"
Her laughing manner quickly switched into something somber and serious. "Just love me, Edward. Just love me."
It took me less than a second to bound over the bed and embrace her.
"I do, baby. I love you so damn much." Kissing her, I swept my hands over her back, pulling her to me.
"Let me show you..."
And I did.
We made love again in the shower before Bella finally told me she was cutting me off for a while. I could have spent all day ravishing her, but I also wanted to connect with her in other ways too. I was hoping that we could just spend a relaxing day together doing whatever she wanted. I just wanted to spend time with her, making sure she knew how loved and cherished she was.
"Babe," I asked as I pulled on a pair of boxer briefs. "What do you want to do today?"
Bella was in the bathroom and stuck her head out to look at me. "What?"
"What would you like to do today? Stick around here? Go out somewhere?"
She moved out of the doorway and sauntered over to the window, where she pulled open the drapes. I was too busy watching her ass sway under her panties to pay attention to what she said.
"Edward?"
"Huh?" I looked up from her ass to find her staring at me, hand on hip.
"Eyes up here, Cullen." She grinned at me as she pointed to her face.
"Sorry. I got...distracted." I winked at her.
"You've been 'distracted' enough today, I think." She used air quotes and laughed at me when I stalked toward her.
"You think, huh?"
"My lady parts certainly think so. They're calling for a time-out."
I laughed. "Okay, then. So what did you say while I was ogling you?"
"I said that the weather doesn't look like it's going to cooperate for us to be able to do anything outside."
I glanced behind her and out the window; it was still raining. "Yeah, probably not. Is there anywhere in Seattle you haven't been that you'd like to go?"
She gave me a thoughtful look. After a minute she said, "The aquarium."
I kissed her nose. "Sounds good."
We finished getting dressed and headed out. The rain was falling hard, and I noticed Bella tense when we got in and I started the car. I reached over and took her hand.
"You okay, baby?"
I glanced over to find her biting her lip and looking anxious. Finally, she turned to me. "It was raining the night of the accident. I still get nervous when I'm in a car and it's raining."
It was the most she had shared with me about the accident in the entire time I'd known her. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Bella."
She smiled at me sadly. "That's one promise that you can't make, Edward, because you never know. You may try, you may do all the right things and all that you can do, but sometimes, in the end, it's not enough."
Reaching up to wipe away a tear at her eye with her right hand, she squeezed mine in her left. I wanted to do something to take her pain away, but I was at a loss. I only knew how to reassure her.
"Sweetheart, I will do all I can do to make sure I keep you safe. I know I can't control everything, but I will do my very, very best to take care of you, always."
She leaned over to kiss me tenderly. "I know."
Squeezing her hand one last time, I moved my hand back to put the car into gear. We rode in introspective silence to the whole way to the aquarium.
Bella seemed a bit more cheerful when we arrived. I paid our admission fee - without an argument from her - and we moved straight into the Windows on Washington Water exhibit. We got there just in time for the dive show. I watched Bella look on in wonder at the divers in the tank, taking in their words and interactions with the other visitors.
She was beautiful.
We stayed for most of the show before moving to the next exhibit. Bella couldn't seem to get enough of watching the giant octopus, or - surprising me - of the touch pool. We took our time through the underwater dome, feeling calm and peaceful surrounded by thousands of gallons of water and fish.
My arm was around her shoulders and I leaned down and kissed the top of her head as we stood in front of one of the many windows to the exhibit near a doorway that would lead us on to the next spot. She turned her head into my chest as she squeezed the arm she had around my waist.
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you, too." I looked down at her as she looked up at me and I smiled. "You make me so incredibly happy."
Pulling her other arm up, she twisted so that she was hugging me. "Same goes for me. Things are better when I'm with you."
"Are you reading my mind?" I kissed the top of her head, and then said the words that I'd been rolling around in my head since the phone call with my parents.
"You know you can talk to me, right? I know that things have been strange lately, with my working and...everything. But I want you to know that if you need anything or if you have anything on your mind, you can talk to me. Just like I know you're here for me, I want you to know I'm here for you. No matter what."
Bella was so still beneath me, I started getting nervous that I had somehow screwed up by blurting out everything. She pulled out from under my arm and stepped in front of me with an extremely serious look on her face and my wary feeling grew.
"Can we go home? I can't...here..."
I immediately felt like shit. "Oh hell, Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."
She shook her head. "No, no. We...I need to do this. I just can't do it here."
I wanted to punch myself for my shitty timing, but in the same vein, I was relieved knowing she was willing to open up to me.
"Okay, we'll go."
We made our way through the aquarium and out the exit without incident. I quickly texted Emmett to see where he was, since I had a feeling that we were going to need some privacy for this - privacy that was more than hiding out in Bella's room once Alice got home.
Thankfully, Emmett was working and then heading over to Rosalie's when his shift ended. We'd have my apartment to ourselves until we both had to go to work the next morning.
Bella's movements seemed heavy as she got out of my car and walked through the parking garage to the elevator. I took her hand, trying to offer her what little comfort I could, since she seemed to be holding herself together by a mere string.
I unlocked the condo door and ushered Bella inside.
"Baby, do you want anything to drink? Something to eat?"
Shaking her head, she just moved to the couch and sat down. I stood there looking at her for a second, trying to decide if she wanted me next to her or if she needed some space. I got my answer only seconds later when she held out her hand to me.
Moving to her side, I took her hand and sat down next to her. Once I was seated, I pulled her hand to my lips. As my mouth moved over her knuckles, her eyes slid shut, and I heard a breath escape her. I rested our hands in my lap and waited for her to call the shots.
Her eyes fluttered open and her mouth turned up at one corner, giving me a small smile. She lifted her free hand to my cheek. "You look nervous."
I breathed out an edgy chuckle. "I am, a little."
Her hand moved up to run through my hair. "There's no need to be." She took a deep breath and then continued. "Edward, there's things I need to tell you - about the accident, and before. Not anything bad, just about my life before everything changed. And then what happened after..."
Leaning forward, she placed her forehead and pressed it lightly into my chest. Her voice was quiet, but just loud enough for me to hear. "I'm going to tell you, I promise. It's just that so much has happened so quickly..." She moved to look back up at me. "I'm overwhelmed with everything. I just need some time...not long, just enough for me to catch my breath. Please don't think I'm keeping things from you on purpose. I'm..."
Blowing out a breath, she shook her head. "I'm making excuses and hiding again, so I'm just going to say it, straight out." She paused, looking as if she was trying to find the right words. "I'm struggling...a lot. I'm...hurting. There are some days I just can't..." She choked on a sob and buried her face in my chest.
My heart broke at her tears and the pain in her voice. It was the first time I had really looked at Bella and saw the truth; I saw just how broken she was. I had to swallow my own tears as I pulled her close to me. "Shhh, baby, I've got you."
I cradled her in my arms as she cried, rubbing my hands up and down her back. I whispered words of comfort and tried to control my own emotions. I had no idea how to help her, how to make the obvious pain she was in go away. Eventually, she calmed, lying quietly in my arms.
"Do you remember the night of my panic attack? The night after our first date?" She stared at her hands, which were playing with the fabric of my t-shirt.
I kissed the top of her head. "I remember."
"I feel like that ninety percent of the time."
I quickly pulled her away from me so I could see her completely. "Bella...wha...how is that possible?"
She ran her hands over her face. "I don't mean the actual panic attack part, although I still have those from time to time - usually when I have to drive - "
"Shit..." I whispered quietly, but she heard me anyway.
"It's not all the time, but most of it. I refuse to allow them to take over though, so I work through it, most of the time without meds because I can't drive or work when I take what you gave me. If I have to take one, I call a cab." Her voice had become toneless, matter of fact.
"Baby, those pills..." I had given her enough for up to ten attacks, and she had been driving to school for almost two months now. I couldn't fathom what she had been going through trying to get to work in the morning.
"I have one left. I was saving it in case I really needed it, you know?"
Remembering what my mother told me, I leaned down and placed my cheek on the top of her head.
"Do you need them after the nightmares?"
"I only have one left." Her voice sounded dead, and I was more scared than I remember being - ever. I was shocked that I had missed how bad things were. It also didn't escape my notice that she didn't even deny having nightmares.
I tightened my arms around her and closed my eyes. I was at a loss of what to say. Part of me wanted to yell, to ask her why she hadn't come to me, why she felt like she had to do this on her own, but I couldn't. The other part wanted to beg her to stop talking because I didn't know if I could hear any more.
"So you have panic attacks everyday, love?" I swallowed hard and prayed I was saying the right things to help her talk to me.
"Not everyday, and they aren't full-blown. Sometimes I have them before I drive or after a nightmare or if I think too much about..." Her hand was lying limp in mine against her leg and I rearranged them so both of hers were in between mine.
"About...?"
"The accident." Her breathing picked up and I felt her body tense.
I was afraid she'd have an attack right here, so I worked on calming her down. "Baby, take a deep breath. Focus on the sound of my voice. I'm here with you and you're okay. Nothing is going to hurt you. I love you and you're safe."
I ran my hands over her back in soothing patterns. Whatever I was doing seemed to be working, because soon her breathing was even again and she had relaxed somewhat.
"How you doing? Do you need something to drink? Do you want me to get you anything?"
She shook her head. "I'm okay." She took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I just want to make sure you're okay." Trying to calm my own heavily beating heart, I nuzzled into her hair, breathing in her scent. It was familiar and comforting and it worked to smooth out my edginess.
"I'm used to dealing with them by now, but you being here helped; it helped a lot." She relaxed further into me. "I should have told you about them, but I've been hiding them for so long...I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want anyone to worry."
"Baby, I'm here to help you, but I can't do that unless you tell me what's going on. We're all here to help - Ali, my mom and Dad, your Dad, Jacob, Em, Rose. All we want to do is help you through whatever is hurting you and make it better."
Bella gave a humorless chuckle. "That's what I'm afraid of, Edward."
"What?"
"I'm afraid I'm beyond help. I feel like I'm so broken, that I'm so messed up inside that there's no way you or anyone can help me. I'm...destroyed."
"You're not destroyed or broken." I was fierce in my defense of her.
She gave another joyless laugh. "Edward, you only know me this way...you have no idea...not a clue what I feel like inside."
I closed my eyes trying to tamper down the panic I was feeling. I wanted her to tell me, but she sounded so lifeless.
"I want you to tell me. I want to help you feel happy again, to feel whole again."
She finally moved, turning to face me and reaching up to cup my cheek. "You do. Just by being around me, just by being with me. I feel a million times better when I'm in your arms, Edward. I feel like I can be whole again and the pain and grief of the last seven months is no longer there."
I pressed my lips to hers, overwhelmed by her words. My heart soared at what she was saying and broke all at the same time.
Because I knew it wasn't enough.
There was no way that I could - or should - be the only thing that kept Bella from feeling so much devastation. It wasn't healthy for either of us and definitely would not be healthy for our relationship. We had so much stacked against us already with Tanya's pregnancy. If Bella wouldn't or couldn't rely on someone besides me to help her through this, we were never going to make it.
It wasn't that I didn't want to be everything for my girl and be the one to help cure her of these horrible, awful feelings and thoughts. I knew better, however. I could help, but Bella needed more than just me. She needed a counselor; someone trained in post-traumatic stress disorder.
I was a surgeon, but I knew PTSD when I saw it. Bella allowed me a glimpse of just how bad she had it.
"Baby, I think -" I began, but she cut me off.
"I know we need to talk about this more, but I just can't right now. I'm just...done." The lifeless quality of her voice was back and I was afraid of pushing her any further.
"Okay. Okay." I pulled her back to my chest and she laid her head against my heart. We stayed there for the longest time as I watched the rain pound the windows and Bella fell asleep in my arms.
Bella had been asleep for an hour and I needed to move. I didn't want to leave her side, but I was feeling restless and felt the need to just do something. I pressed my lips to her forehead and slipped out from underneath her. I laid her down on the couch, looking at her silently. Not knowing what else to do, I walked over to the fridge, looking for something to drink and something to possibly make for dinner. Just moving around made me feel a little more in control.
I hadn't been away from her for more than ten minutes before I heard her whimper. Just as I turned toward the sound, she called my name.
"Edward?" Bella sat up, panicked, looking around frantically for me.
"I'm here, baby." I rushed over to her, placing the water bottle I had in my hand on the coffee table in front of her. I pulled her up into my arms before settling back into the couch. She was trembling and her breathing was shallow.
"Nightmare..." She managed to get the words out between her shaking teeth.
"I'm here. You're okay." I rubbed her back and hair, trying to calm and soothe her. It had worked before and I could only hope it would work again.
Her breathing slowed, as did the trembling. "Better?"
She nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah."
Her body was cold and clammy from the remains of her sweaty nightmare. "How does a shower or bath sound?"
"Hm...yeah...that would be good."
I slid her off of me and stood, then reached down and swung her up in my arms. Taking her to my room, I placed her on the bed.
"What would you rather have, love? A bath or a shower?"
"Bath," she said quietly, struggling to sit up from where I had placed her on the bed. Sliding my hand over her hair, I smiled at her. "Stay put; I'll take care of it."
She tried to smile back at me, but she didn't quite get there. I kissed her forehead and moved into the bathroom.
Once I had the water at the right temperature, I grabbed my robe off the back of the bathroom door and went back into the bedroom to help Bella out of her clothes. She had made it as far as getting her socks off and her jeans unbuttoned, so I quickly took over from there. Once she was undressed, I slipped my robe around her. She didn't tie it; instead, she just collected the material and held it at the waist.
When she looked up at me, I finally saw what I had been missing all this time - what she had been hiding so well from me. She was exhausted and lost, confused and broken. And yet, underneath there were other feelings trying to break through - determination, gratitude and love.
Despite how low she was feeling she was trying to push through it. I was in awe of her.
I picked her up once more, not even wanting to be far enough away from her to have her walk on her own. She didn't protest, but instead seemed to melt into my arms. I set her down gently by the bathtub and removed my robe. I held her hand as she stepped into the tub.
I waited until she was seated, her back pressed against the rear of the tub. Resting on my heels, I pushed her hair off her face as her eyes slid shut in what seemed to be relief.
"I'm going to go make us something to eat. Any requests?" I tucked the last piece of hair behind her ear and moved my hand down to caress her cheek.
Opening her eyes, Bella gave me a small smile. "Whatever you make is fine. I'm not that hungry."
I nodded and stood. Bending at the waist, I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I'll be in the kitchen."
"Hmmm, k." She slipped a bit lower in the water and shut her eyes once more.
I stared at the cans and boxes in the open cabinet, but I wasn't really seeing anything that was there. My mind was still with Bella and on what happened earlier. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy conversation or that she would agree quickly - if at all - but I knew that Bella needed some professional counseling in getting over what had happened all those months ago. I wanted to be the one to help her, but I knew the best support I could offer was to get her to a professional. Give me an inflamed appendix, ask me to remove a gallbladder, or fix a perforated bowel and I knew exactly what I was doing. Trying to mend my girlfriend's emotional and physical pain was beyond my scope.
I rubbed the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to focus on the here and now. I would start by cooking us something to eat and then I'd take everything else one step at a time. I pulled out a can of tomato soup from the cabinet, placing it on the counter next to the stove. After I opened it and poured it into a saucepan, I took out the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches. Comfort food at its finest.
Dinner was done by the time Bella came out of my room dressed in a pair of my sweatpants and one of my t-shirts. Everything was entirely too big on her, but she had done her best by rolling up the cuffs on the sweats. Her hair was damp and swirled around her face in waves.
"Feel like some grilled cheese and tomato soup?" I asked her as she approached me in the kitchen.
"Sure," she answered, wrapping her arms around my waist and snuggling into my side.
My arm came up to rub her shoulder and she sighed contently. She seemed better than she had earlier and I hoped I wouldn't ruin it with the conversation I was going to have with her. I didn't want to push her into doing something she didn't want to do, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. She wasn't okay, and she finally let me see that. It annoyed me to no end that I had missed it all this time, but now that I knew I was going to help her do something about it.
I sent Bella over to the couch and told her to pick out something for us to watch on TV. She flipped through the channels while I ladled our soup into bowls and put the sandwiches on plates. Walking everything over to the living room, I set it on the coffee table as Bella put the remote down beside her.
"The Goonies?" I asked, turning to smile at her.
"It's a classic. Chunk and his Truffle Shuffle are my favorite." She grinned at me and took the bowl of soup I held out to her.
"I have to disagree. I always thought Sloth screaming, 'Hey, you guys!' was the best part. Jumping off pirate ships? Every boy's fantasy."
Bella grinned at me and shook her head. "If you say so."
I settled down next to her and we ate in silence, watching the movie. Bella didn't eat all that much and it concerned me, but I reminded myself to be thankful that she'd eaten anything at all.
Once we both completely finished, I took the dishes back to the kitchen and loaded them into the dishwasher. I had everything cleaned up and was back at Bella's side in less than five minutes. She snuggled up against me as I sat back down on the couch and we watched the rest of the movie.
As the credits ran, I grabbed the remote and turned down the volume a bit. Bella looked at me curiously, but didn't question me.
"Babe?" I wanted to try and keep her at ease while I began what was sure to be a difficult conversation.
"Yeah?" She was still cuddled up next to me, her head lying on my chest.
"I want to talk to you about something, but I don't want you to get upset."
I felt her immediately tense under my arm. "It's a surefire way to get people upset by starting a sentence like that, Edward."
I kissed the top of her head. "I know and I want to avoid that, but I wasn't sure how to begin this, so I just said it," I answered her lamely.
She shifted slightly, but didn't pull away from me. "Okay then, go ahead."
I took a deep breath. "I was thinking about earlier and about what you told me."
"Oh." There was nothing more, just that small, quiet word.
"Baby, just based on what you told me, I know there's some things that you need to deal with. Have you thought about talking to someone about all of it?" I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.
At first, she didn't move or say a word. I was just opening my mouth to start in on trying to convince her why talking to a counselor was a good idea when she finally spoke.
"I've considered it. When I left Florida, they gave me the name of a counselor here in Seattle who specializes in grief counseling and PTSD. But I was moving to Forks, and it seemed pointless to have to drive all that way for something I thought I'd be able to deal with on my own."
I looked down at her to see her staring at the TV, but it was obvious her attention wasn't on it. "And now?"
She shrugged. "Part of me thinks I can still do it on my own. I am getting better, Edward."
I shook my head slightly, knowing that she didn't get it. "Baby, what happened, that's a lot for you to try and deal with on your own. And I really don't mean any offense, but if you're having panic attacks almost every time you get in a car or if you're having nightmares often, you're not getting better."
This time she pulled up and away from me. "You don't...I'm trying, Edward. Things like this, they don't go away overnight."
I tried to bring her back to me, but she wasn't having it. She got up off the couch and walked over to the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and drank from it, keeping her back to me.
"Bella, I know that with everything you've gone through that it's not going to be easy to just pick up and move on from it, but from what you're telling me, things aren't getting better. I think you need to -"
"I was driving the car."
Her words did an effective job of shutting me the hell up. The silence stretched between us and I tried to think of something - anything - to say to her.
"We were on our way back from Atlanta, on our way home from the last stop on our trip. We were five miles from their house, and it was raining. Mom was asleep next to me and Phil was asleep in the backseat. I was having a hard time staying awake myself, but we were so close to home, I thought..."
She broke off and took another drink of water. Her back was still to me. My heart broke listening to her tell me about that night.
"I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed." She turned, but didn't look at me. She just walked passed me quietly, and into my bedroom. I heard my door shut with a soft click.
I sat there for a while, unmoving. Eventually I got up and turned off the television and the lights around the room. Walking over to the wall of windows that faced the Seattle skyline, I watched the rain pour down the glass in rivulets. I wondered how long Bella had been keeping all that in; I wondered if I was the first person she told and how much more she had buried beneath the surface. I wondered how to convince her to go to counseling and how long I was going to have to wait until I could broach the subject with her once more.
Again, I was in the precarious position of hurry up and wait.
Sighing, I turned and walked to the bedroom to join my girl in bed.
Somehow though, I doubted either one of us would get much sleep.
It was still raining the next morning when we woke. Bella was quiet, but she didn't seem like she completely shut down. Neither one of us had slept well, especially after she had her nightmare.
It was the first night she had one when she had been with me.
The alarm went off and we rose, getting ready for the day ahead. We didn't speak much as we dressed and ate breakfast.
Our silence continued as I dropped her off at work. It was still raining and after last night, I didn't want her driving today. Alice's store was closed on Mondays and while she'd still be at the shop doing inventory, she would be able to leave when she needed to. I had texted her before we left to make sure that she could pick Bella up from school. She had agreed without question when I mentioned that Bella had a rough night.
The fact that my sister wasn't curious about Bella's rough night made me wonder what she knew about Bella's accident and everything she had been going through since. I would have to talk to her about that.
Bella agreed to the driving arrangements without an argument since even she knew she wasn't up to even attempting to drive today. I had debated asking her to stay home from work, but figured that wasn't a fight I would win. It was probably better for her to be out doing something among people rather than sitting at home, alone.
I left her with a kiss, telling her I would talk to her later that night. I had to work another forty-eight and wouldn't see her until Wednesday.
The hospital was bustling with energy and activity when I arrived. Dr. Bradley was waved a distracted hello as I walked by and greeted her. She was on the phone with someone and by the look on her face, it didn't seem as though the conversation was going well.
Checking the surgery board outside the doctor's lounge, I saw I had some time to kill before my first surgery. It would give me time to follow up on what happened while I was out yesterday and catch up on some paperwork.
Entering the doctor's lounge though, I stopped short.
Alistair Matthews was kissing Tanya.
I stood there, stunned. I couldn't move because I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Did he just hand me my 'Get out of Jail Free' card?
I must have made a noise, because they broke apart. Tanya looked horrified, but Matthews gave an embarrassed little grin.
"Hey, Cullen. Uh…" He gestured between Tanya and himself. "Sorry. I hope this isn't awkward or anything…"
"Awkward?" I could barely get the word out through my shock – and glee.
"Yeah, well you know. You and Tanya." This time he gestured between Tanya and me. "Me and Tanya… now we're having a baby… I just hope this isn't weird for you or anything. No hard feelings and all that."
I couldn't help but grin. "No hard feelings at all, Matthews. We're cool."
Alistair grinned. "Great, great." He turned to Tanya. "I have to go to surgery, so I'll catch you later, babes." He leaned down and kissed her, before stooping further and kissing her belly. I cocked an eyebrow at Tanya who looked both the strange combination of pissed off and relieved.
Alistair straightened and walked past me, giving me a small nod. I returned it, continuing to stare at Tanya as the door closed behind him.
We were silent for a few seconds before Tanya said, "Um, I have to go. I have a surgery too."
I shook my head. "I just checked the board before I came in here. Neither you nor I are scheduled for anything for another hour." I walked closer to her and pulled a chair out at the table she was standing next to. "Sit down. We're going to talk."
A/N:
You can blame Browns for the cliffy - I was going to continue it and she told me not to. So we'll see what's up with Tanya in Chapter 22. She was/is lying, but who is she lying to - Edward or Alistair?
Thank you to everyone who read, favorited, alerted and/or reviewed. I appreciate it more than I can say. :) You're all awesome and on this Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I'm grateful to you all.
As usual, those who review get teasers for the next chapter.
Thanks!