This is My Wish

Chapter Twenty-One – My First

Riley

I'm nervous. And now, I wanna roll my eyes at myself, because that's the understatement of the year. I'm more than regular nervous, though. I'm at a whole new level of nervous.

My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and I think my left eyebrow is twitching. And don't get me started on the state of my stomach. The knots inside are huge.

I want this – with her. I do. It's just so wrong at the same time of being right. This shouldn't be our only chance to share something special with someone we care about.

I know it'll be our only chance today, since she's constantly surrounded by family. A part of her hates the attention, she told me that before. But the other part, knows that they need this time with her.

My mom asks as we walk down the hallway toward Brittney's room, "What's wrong, Riley?"

Should I tell her? No, not yet. I sigh and shake my head. She knows that when we go to see Brittney, it's usually bittersweet and that I'm not very talkative before we go.

She gives me a small smile, the one that says, "I know. I wish it was different."

I wish it was, too.

When we walk in Brittney's room a few minutes later, her parents are there. I smile and kiss Jessica— she asked me to call her that last week— on the cheek. She smiles as Mike and I bump fists and run a hand over our short hair, making all the ladies laugh.

I'm surprised to see Brittney in a wheelchair instead of in bed. But I don't let that show, since I know she has to be hurting. It always hurts, no matter how much medicine they put in you. She gives me a smile that doesn't reach her eyes like it usually does.

And she quickly turns away. This is something she'd done for weeks when I first met her four or five years ago. Mom had said that Brittney was shy back then. But why would she be shy now? Was it because of what she said the other night?

Oh man. Is she as nervous as I am? Did she change her mind? I didn't want her to change her mind. Ugh, what if she'd rather kiss Jesse?

I clench my hands into fists, stuffing them in the pockets of my jeans, not looking at her. If she'd rather kiss Jesse, it's okay. I only want her to be happy.

From the corner of my eye, I see Mom looking at me curiously. She's always curious. I sniff a little to break the nervous tension behind my eyes. That's when Brittney touches my arm, almost making me jump.

"Hi, Riley," she whispers, her voice small and sleep-rumpled.

"'ello," I grumbled, though I'm not really mad at her.

"You're her third set of visitors today," Jessica says happily. "Some more of your friends came over earlier. You just missed them."

Like Jesse.

I'm not mad, I tell myself over and over. Total lie, but I'm not going to admit that to anyone.

"Riley," Mike says, patting my back, pulling me from my thoughts. "Do you mind staying with Brittney while her mom and I go grab something to eat down the street?"

I know why they ask. They don't want her to be alone, just in case something happens and the cafeteria food here sucks. I nod, wondering if Mom is joining them. After a few minutes though, it's clear she's isn't leaving when Brittney's parents walk out of the room.

But I need privacy to talk to Brittney. Mom hands Brittney some variegated purple and pink long glove things that have an opening along the top of one for her IV Lines. Brittney is all smiles and happily accepts them and asks Mom for help to put them on.

Mom is extra careful so that she doesn't disturb any of the lines or hurt Brittney in any way. Everyone treats her like she's made of glass. And in a way, Brittney is like the tiny spun glass unicorn I gave her for her last birthday that sits on the table behind the hospital bed.

The tiny, fragile lines of clear glass that make up the hair and ribbons of her gift are like the spidery-web like blue veins underneath the pale skin around her big blue eyes and along her hands and arms.

And like the unicorn, it's pretty in its own way. Just like Brittney is beautiful, inside and out.

"Well," Mom says after a few minutes. "I'm going to grab a drink and maybe some pudding." She looks directly at me, and I have no doubt she's sensing that I need to talk to Brittney alone, though she's not sure why.

I wasn't about to tell her. She'd probably squeal and "ooh" and "aw", while trying hard not to cry.

I give Mom a smile that I hope states that I'm okay and everything is fine. Brittney watches the entire exchange uneasily and all I want to do is tell her everything is fine, too. When Mom finally leaves, I drop my head down and breathe out harshly.

"I thought she'd never leave," I say, smiling at Brittney. And just like that, the nervous and worry in her eyes and smile vanish. Brightly, she laughs, taking my hand in hers.

"Break me out?" she questions as if I'd say no. When have I ever?

Never.

"We're going to get in trouble, you know?" I say as unlock the brakes on her chair, swirling her around once.

She giggles and nods, but doesn't change her mind. I knew she wouldn't. I make sure that her IV bags are safely secure before I look into the hall to make sure the coast is clear. Once I'm sure, I push Brittney in the chair quickly.

Once we're in a more isolated part of the wing, I bend down and whisper in her ear, "Fast or slow?"

"Fast," she says, giggling and pumping her fists in the air slowly. I won't dwell on that. Not today.

"As you wish!" I say, running down the hall, hoping on a brace on the back of her wheelchair that will support my weight. She has her hands near the brakes, a practiced move since we've done this a hundred times before. She giggles and squeals as I jump down to make the turn around the corner. She's practically on one wheel, but we're both laughing.

And I'm out of breath. Ignoring the sting in my lungs, I peek to make sure no one is paying attention near the station at the end. I see a couple of nurses and a doctor, but they're all looking in another direction.

I see the door I'm trying to make it to right across the hall. Brittney is biting her lip nervously, waiting patiently and quietly. I book it!

Seconds later, the sun shines down on us; the garden that surrounds us is filled with awesome smells and the sounds of birds chirping. Nothing compares to hearing Brittney sigh softly.

She hadn't been outside much in the last week or so, because she was too weak. Again, I don't dwell on that, on being sick, and shake away the thought before it takes root. Instead, I concentrate on Brittney and on the day.

"You don't have to, Riley," she whispers. I look down to see a tear fall down her cheek.

How could she possibly think I wouldn't want to?

"Have you changed your mind?" I asked softly. She asked if we could share our first kiss together after I dropped the phone the other day. She shakes her head and the nerves that had almost taken over completely disappear.

Instead, there is only us, the sun that shines down on us and…anticipation. That's the only way to describe what I'm feeling now. Like it's Christmas morning and I'm running down the hall, eager to open my gifts, to have pancakes with Mom and share one more holiday with her.

I move her chair toward the bench that's near a fountain, she sighs even more. "I have something for you," I whisper, stuffing my hand in my pocket and digging out the necklace Mom said I could give her. It used to be hers, something my dad, Riley, had given her in high school.

The thin silver chain has a tiny heart pendant with a small pale blue stone in the middle, the same color of Brittney's eyes. When I asked Mom for an idea for a gift for Brittney, this is what she suggested and it's perfect.

Her eyes light up and she touches it gently, like it might break if she holds on too hard. I smile and ask if it's okay for me to put it on. She only nods and shyly removes her beanie since it covers her neck. I have a little trouble with the clasp, but I finally get it on right.

She touches the heart again and looks up at me. And I knew she was waiting. The nerves are back, but they're second to the need to move forward.

Do what feels naturally. I hear Edward's words again in my mind and smile. Brittney smiles, too, but she surprises me and takes my face in her cool, small hands. I'm not smiling anymore. I'm looking at her lips. They're soft. I can tell.

Then, it happens. I feel warm and cold and it tingles where our lips meet. It's not weird like I first thought it would be. It's perfect. I'm not sure how long our mouths touch, I just move slightly to the right and the left. She giggles and I laugh.

We pull away. We're both smiling like dummies, but I don't care. It may be our first kiss, but I'll make sure it's not our last. She pecks me again, and I'm sure she's in agreement. She's giggling again, hugging me close and whispers, "Don't look, but your Mom is watching from the window."

Of course she is.