Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

Chapter Twenty: Awake

I sat up and looked around like I expected the room to be different, like I didn't already know that my black leather couch was across the bed against the wall or that Bella's dresser wouldn't be sitting in the corner or that the walls were definitely not adorned with black and white pictures of us. But still, I blinked and blinked again because for the past seven months I had not lived here, and truly…I believed my eyes were deceiving me.

My heart was beating frantically in my chest as I hurled out of bed and across the room to where a pair of pants were lying. I dug in the back pockets for my wallet and finally pulled it out. Throwing the pants aside, I quickly opened the wallet and searched and searched and searched. But I came up empty. The picture of Bella I had carried around with me wasn't there. I threw the wallet aside and went back towards the bed to the table on one side.

I found my phone, pushing away thoughts of how I knew this phone wasn't even the right one and how the background wasn't a picture of the two of us. I scrolled through my contacts. No Bella. So I dialed her number.

I wasn't sure what I would have said to her, but I wasn't even given the chance to look like a fool. I knew she wouldn't have known why I was calling or even remembered who I was, but I called anyway. It rang twice before an automated voice told me the number I dialed was unavailable and to please hang up and try again. So I did. I tried three more times before I threw my phone across the room where it shattered into broken pieces along the floor.

My mind was a jumble of thoughts. It was working on overload, trying to conceive what had happened and what to do to rectify it. My body was trying so hard to keep up with my mind, but my ears were ringing and my heart was hammering as I stood in only my boxers and looked around the room, just waiting…waiting for something to change.

I stood there for at least five maybe even ten minutes before I had a plan.

I ran into my bathroom and took out an Ambien. I took it and went back to bed. I snuggled into the covers and closed my eyes, thinking if I could just drift back to sleep then I'd wake up, and she'd be there. Minutes ticked by, and nothing happened. So I took another one.

When the second didn't work either, I got drunk. Really, really drunk. I had a fifth of Crown Royal that was about halfway gone and a pint of Grey Goose that hadn't even been opened yet. In the span of an hour, I drank all of it until I was so obliterated that I had completely lost my mind. I was standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom, staring at myself and wondering what I did wrong. What did I do to deserve being sent back here?

I blinked and squinted to try to see myself better. The scar on my shoulder was gone. Jasper had mentioned a few months back that I had shoulder surgery after a college baseball injury. But since I hadn't played college baseball, there was now no scar from a surgery that had never happened. I turned around a little to see the tattoo on my back. But there was no tattoo because I had never joined a fraternity. Even my hair was different, longer because Bella had asked me to trim it a few weeks ago.

As I looked into my glassy eyes in my reflection, I started to get more and more pissed off. And not just at myself but at Bella too. She had ruined me; ruined me for all other relationships. She ruined me because now my chest ached more than when she left me, and all I wanted to do was see her. She ruined me because she made me happier than I had ever been.

And so for the first time, I wished that I had never dreamed at all.

I reared back and threw the empty Grey Goose bottle in my hand at the mirror with as much power and force that I could muster. I stumbled backwards, feeling unsteady and nimble. The glass shattered and fell all around me, cutting my legs, knees and feet. I just looked down at it. I didn't move or flinch at all, just stared as broken pieces continued to crash all around.

Whenever the shattering stopped, I stepped closer to the once mirrored bathroom wall (stepping on glass along the way) and pulled down any loose pieces that hadn't yet fallen, cutting my hands in the process. I didn't grimace or even cringe. In fact, I didn't really feel a thing as blood fell to my sides.

After completing my task, I went back into my bedroom and turned on my iPod. After searching for a specific song and making sure it was set on repeat, I turned up the music as loud as it would go and walked back into the kitchen.

Dave Matthews Band "Baby Blue" played like echoes and bad memories around me. It was Bella's favorite song, and I had played it for her several times on the guitar and every time, she would cry. The song could have been written for her, but right now, it was written to be salt on my open wound.

I rifled through my cabinet, looking for any sort of liquor until I finally found another bottle of Grey Goose. I opened it and downed at least two shots' worth before I felt the urge to get sick. I threw up over the side of the kitchen sink. I knew I should have at least eaten something, but my stomach had felt full and queasy from the moment I woke up even before I even started drinking. Once I had finished heaving with nothing but burning stomach acid and vodka, I made my way back into my bathroom, stepping on glass and shit along the way and took two more Ambiens.

I downed the rest of the second bottle of Grey Goose while trying to get into my email at my computer in my study. After several failed attempts of using the password I had been using for the past seven months, I got pissed off and threw my laptop across the room, hearing it crash and break a few feet away.

A thought popped into my head, and I quickly fumbled around for my house phone since my cell phone was in a shambles in my bedroom. After finding it on the floor next to my desk, I was just about to hit send after dialing Jasper's number when I froze. The date on the top of the screen said July 9, 2009.

I was back right where I left off.

Then through a hazy mind and blurry thoughts, I saw two ocean blue eyes right before the rest of the world went totally black.

I didn't dream a damn thing, not a single fucking thing. I woke up to my head pounding like a drum behind my eyes and ears while my throat was dry as fuck. There was a ringing next to my ear. After finally realizing it wasn't just in my head but instead it was my phone, I tried to sit up, but for some reason, I was in the floor, and there were drops of blood around me. My phone kept ringing, but I couldn't find it anywhere with my uncoordinated fingers still bloodied from my bathroom mirror. My thoughts were nothing but brief swarms of emptiness, completely void of any real logic. But I did realize how fucked up I was, from the pills and the alcohol, but especially from the suicidal thoughts I was having.

I vomited again. And again. I tried to sit up as much as I could so I wouldn't choke, but I fell while doing so. I must have bumped my head on something because the next thing I knew, I was passed out again.

This time, I did dream. I dreamed of a yellow dress. A long, flowing in the wind, yellow dress worn by a girl with long, dark locks and deep, icy blue eyes. She was standing by the ocean while the waves crashed and receded at her toes. She didn't notice me as I walked along the shore towards her. She was smiling a smile meant only for me. Her eyes were set on the tide but her smile meant she was thinking of me. The sun against her cheeks made her skin glow and the light drizzle of water made her shine brighter than anything I had ever seen before.

She still didn't notice me until I was right beside her and reaching for her hand. I was barely able to lace our fingers together before her head snapped in my direction while her hand went directly the other way. Her smile left her face and the world dimmed.

"Bella…" I breathed. I was confused, but the look on her face showed me she was even more so.

"How do you know my name?" she asked.

The wind rushed around us, blowing her hair and her dress in a dance between us. And I felt more alone than I ever had.

I didn't get to answer her because there was someone else. Yes, someone else stepped behind her and took her other hand. For him, she smiled and let him lead her away. For him, she went. For him, I was forgotten.

I had no idea how long I had been out, but when I woke up again, the first thing I noticed was the darkness. Even though my eyes were open and searching around me, there was hardly any light encasing the room at all. My head was throbbing; so for this reason, I reached behind it to touch the sensitive spot. I immediately winced, feeling the cold and wet signs of an open wound. When I brought my hand back around, my fingers were covered in blood. I reached over for something…anything at all and found the leg to my chair at my desk. I pulled myself up, using aching muscles and damaged strength until I was sitting upright in the chair. My head continued to swarm through the effects of the alcohol and the haziness of the pills while also fighting through the pain from the blow to my head and my aching heart. I grabbed a marker that was lying on the desk and was about to write out a note for whoever would find me like this. Tell them I was sorry, but I had been damaged and there could be no repair. I was dying from the inside out.

I dry heaved down at the floor below me until the sickness passed, and I was out again as my head fell on the desk with a loud, ringing thud.

It sounded like water rushing around me. My ears felt like they were bleeding from it. But the ringing, god, the ringing was excruciating. I knew it was my phone, but I couldn't move. I was back in the floor again and somehow still clutching the marker that I had meant to use before passing out again.

I could hear crying, no…sobbing. If it hadn't been for the pain in my ribs, I wouldn't have figured it was me. Tears streaming like a never-ending river down my cheeks and onto my naked torso and down my arms. I was still in only my boxers, but the cool surface of the floor and the dried blood helped my skin to both chill me and heat me. My body lay limp and lifeless except for the shaking of my heaving sobs. Every inch of my skin felt as shattered as my heart. I thought, how pathetic, as I wondered who would ever want me now.

I began to think of Bella. I thought of how I did all of this to myself and how I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and fall so deeply in love with her. I thought of how stupid and naïve I acted and how I should have known the entire time that this would eventually happen.

In the deep, dark abyss of my state of mind, I allowed myself to think of the dream I had. She wouldn't know me now. She wouldn't love me now.

I continued to cry endless tears as I uncapped the marker I had been clutching, and I began to write on the only surface available, my bruised and battered skin. I wrote words we had spoken to each other. I wrote words of life and love that we had shared. I wrote words she had spoken to make me fall in love with her. I wrote words only she would understand.

When I fell asleep for the final time, all I could see was a large, pink cloud. I wouldn't realize until later, it was cotton candy.

Confess your kiss still knocks me off my legs
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest
and I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of meand you'll forever, my baby be

Voices were speaking. The water was still rushing through my ears, but I definitely heard a voice.

"Edward! Edward! Holy shit! Can you hear me, Edward? Motherfucker…what the fuck…" they shouted. I tried to open my lips to tell them to shut the fuck up, but my lips wouldn't open. Neither would my eyes.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving
And when you wake you will fly away
holding tight to the legs of all your angel.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eye,
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue

"His heart rate's slow."

"Yeah, he's barely breathing."

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me
You and me forever, baby

"Turn that shit off, Emmett. Jesus Christ."

"I can't find the off button."

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away
holding tight to the legs of all your angels
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever

"Just unplug it. Fucking shit. His hands and feet are all bloodied and I think he has a gash in his head."

"Uh, Jazz, you need to see the bathroom. He broke the mirrors. There's blood everywhere in there."

"Shit. Edward? Edward? Wake up. Fuck…he reeks. How much did he drink?"

"I don't know. What the hell happened? Look at these words. 'There was a weakling man who dreamed he was strong as a hurricane'."

"Look at this one: 'I know she's gonna leave this broken man behind her'."

" 'I could never love again as much as I love you'."

"Look at the one on his chest: 'I'm so lost for you'."

"What the fuck, Emmett? Why would he do this?"

"I have no idea. Didn't he take Bella home the other night? Do you think something happened?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Let's call her on our way to the hospital."

"Should we not call an ambulance?"

"No. The traffic's too bad right now. It'll take them too long to get here. Let's just take him."

"We need to go now."

"I'll call the hospital and let them know we're coming."

I grunted and moaned a little as they lifted me up as best they could. I lost consciousness again before we even got out the door.

When I woke up again, I still wasn't able to open my eyes. I was numb, but this time it wasn't from the alcohol or pills. I felt absolutely nothing, however my mind was completely clear. But I still couldn't open my eyes and talk to everyone whom I knew was around me.

"Why would he do this?"

"I don't know, Ma."

"Look at his arms. Who wrote that?"

"He did."

"What does it mean?"

"They're lyrics, Esme." That voice…that voice…

"Lyrics?"

"Yeah. Dave Matthews Band lyrics."

"All of them?"

"The ones I can see, yeah."

"But why? Why would he write that all over himself?"

"What happened? We just had drinks with him to other day at the hotel. He was fine."

"I just don't understand it. Bella, didn't he take you home?"

"Yeah. He was fine. He walked me to my door and left."

"Why would he do this…" My mother's voice cracked, and no matter how much I wanted to comfort her, all my heart could comprehend was that voice. So I took a long, deep breath and said the only word I could think of…the only word I could imagine saying…

"B-Bella?"

It was so weak, so inaudible but the gasps that filled the room were enough to know I had definitely been heard.

"Did he say 'Bella'?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Edward? Edward, I'm here." That voice came closer and sounded so beautiful in my ringing ears.

"Are you awake, son? Can you hear us?"

I wanted to nod, but it hurt. I was about to open my mouth and say yes when I fell asleep before I could even open my eyes and look at the one with that voice.

I woke up, sometime later, and it was dark once again. I knew this because I could finally open my eyes. Without moving my neck at all, I searched the room. Emmett was asleep on the small loveseat against the adjacent wall while Jasper was leaned back also asleep in the recliner next to me.

My throat was scratchy while my head was pounding. I tried desperately to swallow, but I couldn't even conjure up enough saliva to lick my dry, cracking lips. When I opened my mouth to talk, I could barely speak.

So instead, I cleared my throat, making Jasper's eyes fly open and stare at me.

"Edward," he smiled slightly. "How do you feel?" I grimaced in response. He chuckled, "Yeah, I bet."

"Wh-what h-h-happen-n-ed?"

He shook his head. "You tell me." When I only stared at him, he continued. "You had alcohol poisoning on top of an obscene amount of a sedative-hypnotic. You could have put yourself in a coma."

I only nodded my head. I had one fleeting thought about what if I had been put in a coma. Would I have dreamed of her? Would I have traveled back? I needed help.

"Edward…" he looked at me with his gray-blue eyes so hurt and bloodshot. "Why?"

I thought of what I had put him through. Ever since he went to college at UW and I chose Berkley, we hadn't been close. I barely even knew my own brother. But now…now I had lived with him and shared his life and grown closer to him…now I felt like I owed him something, because I knew now what it would have been like if we had stayed close and acted as brothers rather than distant acquaintances.

"I-I'm so s-s-sorry."

"Look at this. What does this mean?" he demanded, pointing at my arms. When I didn't answer but instead, tried over and over to swallow, he sighed and stood up, helping me to sip water through a straw. After taking several gulps and feeling the water help to coat the lining of my throat, Jasper sat back down. "Were you trying to kill yourself?" he whispered.

I winced at his question and felt my eyes stink with awaiting tears. I tried blinking them back but it was too late. They started to fall down my face and onto my hospital gown. "No. I just…" As he sat there watching me cry and lay in the bed, broken and destroyed before his eyes, I wanted nothing more than to give him what he wanted. He wanted to fix it. And I really, deep down, wished that he could. "I just wanted to fall back asleep."

"Why?" His voice was raised and accusatory as he shouted in my ear beside me. "Why, Edward? You almost killed yourself just so you could sleep?"

I closed my eyes, feeling tears trail down my face. "Please, stop yelling, Jasper."

"No, Edward! No, I won't! I had to sit around for three days waiting for you to wake up! I had to be the one to tell Mom what you had done and how I found you then comfort when she cried over it. I went to your apartment and cleaned up broken glass and vomit and blood from every fucking floor in every fucking room. I called your work and told them some bullshit so you wouldn't have to go in for a few days. Now, I want answers, and I want them right fucking now!"

Emmett had woken up during Jasper's tirade and had his hands on each of his shoulders, pushing him back down onto the chair next my bed.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. Thank you for everything. I love you and I appreciate everything, more than you know, but I'm sorry…I just can't tell you-"

"Is it about Bella?" he interrupted.

This startled me. "What?"

"Bella was the last one to see you. And you said her name a lot while you were asleep."

"I did?"

"Yes. You did." He waited and when I didn't respond right away, he prompted, "Did something happen between the two of you?"

Yes. "No."

"Why did you write all of that on your arms?"

I glanced down briefly at the black lines on my arms, the visual reminders of how shattered I was. "I don't know." Liar. "I don't even remember doing it." Pathetic.

"Those are pretty coherent phrases for you to not even remember doing it."

I shrugged, wanting nothing more than to stop this line of questioning and just go back to sleep. "When can I leave?" I asked.

Jasper sighed, running a hand over his face. "Not for a couple more days. Your liver and nervous system are pretty fucked up. You won't be drinking for a while, that's for damn sure."

I nodded my head, thinking about how I'd never seen Jasper so angry. "Okay."

"I'll go call Mom and tell her you're up," Emmett finally spoke but retreated into the hallway.

"You suffered a pretty nasty head trauma. Any idea how that happened?" I shook my head in response. "What about the scratches on your feet, legs and hands?"

I looked down at my wrapped and bandaged limps and extremities, remembering in brief clips of time how I shattered my bathroom mirror and then proceeded to pull the remaining pieces off the wall. "Yeah, I, uh, broke the mirror."

"You threw a liquor bottle at it."

"Yeah…that."

Jasper's head hung in between his shoulders towards the ground while he shook it back and forth, huffing and sighing in great, deep breaths. I couldn't even imagine the stress and heartache I had put him through.

"Did you say three days?" I asked, breaking a long silence between us.

"What?" he head rose as he stared at me.

"Did you say I have been out of it for three days?"

"Yeah. It's the twelfth."

It was weird to think of it being in July again, as strange as that sounds. I half expected to be cold, but remembering that I wasn't in Washington and it wasn't actually Christmas was a lot harder than I could have ever imagined.

The door opened, revealing a middle-aged nurse whom held a sour expression. She barked orders at Jasper to tell him to leave and not to return until the morning. He seemed hesitant to leave which excited me somewhat to see him not act like he totally hated me for what I had done.

And as he turned to leave, my heart felt like it weighed a million pounds in my chest. I really, really didn't want to be alone.

"Jasper?" I called out to him before he could close the door.

"Yeah?" he questioned, holding his position right outside the slightly agape door.

"I know I have no right to ask anything else of you, but…" my voice stopped. I didn't want to breathe her name, but the emptiness of her absence weighed heavier on me than any guilt or regret. "…could you call Bella for me and ask her to come by?" His eyebrows immediately raised at my request. "I really need to talk to her."

You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through

You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

Dave Matthews Band- "Fool to Think"