Thursday's Child

Chapter Twenty-One

…

So. It had come to this. Willow, Xander, Giles, even Dawn, they all stood against her, each with a look of determination. They wanted what they wanted, and to hell with her and what she wanted. Never mind all of the sacrifices she'd made for them all. Never mind all the times she'd saved their lives. They didn't care. Not when it came to this.

"I'm the Slayer. I fight and put my life on the line all the time. I deserve this," Buffy said firmly. She wasn't going to let them wear her down.

"I can't believe you did this behind my back, Buffy," Dawn said, sounding hurt. "We're sisters. I could have distracted everyone while you snagged the pie, and then we could have shared it."

They all glanced towards the counter at the last piece of pumpkin pie, sitting on a dessert plate with a fork. Xander had caught her with it before she could even take one bite. Instead of just letting her have it, the big jerk had tattled.

"Now, see here," Giles began. "Seeing as how this is my flat, I feel that, that I should be the one to have the pie."

"No way," Xander protested. "This is an American holiday, and you're all British-y and stuff. No extra pie for you."

"I should get the pie! I'm a growing kid. I need pie to reach my full potential!"

"I helped Tara make the pie, so I should get it."

"I say we rock, paper, scissors it," Xander called out over the other two.

Everyone started talking at once at that point and didn't notice Spike wandering into the kitchen until he snagged the contested plate of pie. Buffy narrowed her eyes at him as silence descended. Dawn possibly had a chance of getting the pie from him, but Buffy thought her own chances were a little bit higher. One date date did not equal regular unspontaneous sex, but she could totally promise kisses and cuddles once they got home.

"Put the pie down, and no one gets hurt," Xander said slowly. "You're British, too, so you don't get extra pie either."

Spike smirked and effectively ended the argument with one sentence. "The sprog wants pie."

"That's not fair," Xander muttered without any heat behind it as the others gave up and went to the living room to watch TV. "You shouldn't be allowed to call dibs on food if you haven't even been born yet." He eyed Spike. "And we only have his word that the spro- baby, wants pie. I bet it actually wants a carrot or something."

"Nope. Sprog wants pie," Spike insisted. He leaned against the counter and took a bite. Buffy watched, mesmerized. Why was that sexy? Someone shoving a fork in their mouth and then sliding it back out shouldn't have been sexy. Watching Riley eat had always been kind of gross, and Angel hadn't been into human food the way Spike was. Would Angel eating have been sexy? "Got mine earlier, so this one's hers."

"Hers?" Buffy repeated, vaguely aware of Xander giving her a strange look as he watched her watching Spike. "You think the baby is a girl?"

She was certain he was right, considering her slayer dream, but – she realized guiltily – she hadn't told him about that. Why did he seem so sure about the gender? He couldn't smell that or anything, could he? That would be really weird.

"Makes sense, don't it? With the sprog being half slayer an' all." Spike shrugged and ate more pie. Damn sexy vampire and his sexy pie eating skills. Oh god, she was thinking of Spike as sexy. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Not that he'd ever exactly been all gross and unattractive, but she used to be able to pretend he was. Now she couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him.

"I'm… I'm just gonna go watch TV with the others, now," Xander said uncomfortably.

Buffy watched him leave, fear suddenly flashing through her. Oh god, Xander had seen her practically drooling over Spike. Maybe he'd assume it was the pie she was lusting after? Yes, pie, she thought. I am desperately in need of pie, and not Spike's mouth all over me. When had that become a need and not something too horrible to even think about?

"Keep having dreams about a little girl," Spike said. "Figure it must be my subconscious remindin' me that your lot are always girls."

Worry about Xander learning her secret and thoughts about Spike's sexiness were suddenly gone. He'd dreamed about the little girl? "Did... did she have curly brown hair and blue eyes?" It wasn't possible. Spike didn't have prophetic dreams. Did he?

"How did you…?" His eyes narrowed, then widened slightly. "You saw her, too."

"Yeah," Buffy answered slowly. "Um… I had a slayer dream. There was a snake that was going to eat Dawn, and you were there with the little girl…."

"And we led you into a church with some keys," he finished quietly.

"Yeah." How was this possible? How had Spike shared her dream? Was he in her head somehow? The ritual didn't cause mind reading, did it? She was headed towards panic at the idea of Spike reading her thoughts when it suddenly hit her. He hadn't shared her dream. Like he'd said, the baby was half slayer, but she couldn't dream. "You had her dream."

She could see him working it all out in his head, the symbolism of the keys and what they meant. He was as good at playing the dumb blond as she was, but neither of them was actually stupid. He would figure out what the flickering key meant. She could see the instant he did. His eyes went wide, and the expression on his face….

"Buffy…." She shivered as he said her name, a breathy caress of sound.

"I know," she whispered. "It's… uh, not the first time one of my dreams has tried telling me about my love life. I got…." She paused for a moment to collect herself. This wasn't easy to talk about, but Spike was going to be a part of her life for at least the next eighteen years, no matter what happened with their burgeoning relationship. She needed to learn to be open and honest with him. "I got a warning about Angel losing his soul, but I didn't understand it. And, and then, um… you remember that dream I had about the Gentlemen?" She continued at his nod. "There was a part where, if I kissed Riley, the sun would go down."

She'd never really understood that. Fortune favors the brave, she thought, remembering the line from that dream. Except… dating Riley hadn't really been the brave thing, had it? She'd gone for the normal – well, relatively normal considering all of the military stuff and what Professor Walsh had done to him – guy because that's what everyone had seemed to want from her. She'd taken the easy path. The cowardly path. And the sun had gone down.

Her dreams showed a future, not the future. They were warnings of what could happen if she didn't act or took the wrong action. She knew what would happen if she rejected the key to her heart. She'd lose her daughter. She'd feel unwanted, and Spike would take her away. He'd take himself away. She thought about what that would be like. There had been so many times when she'd wished he would do just that, go away forever. Now though…. She was scared to admit it to herself, but she didn't like the idea.

She knew what would happen if she rejected him. Pain for all involved. What would happen if she accepted him? And why, she wondered suddenly, do my slayer dreams care about my love life? To the point of my daughter having the same dream? Angel losing his soul had impacted her ability to slay. Riley being in her life had done the same. But, Spike…. She thought of the patrols he'd been doing with her. She didn't need him with her, but it made things easier and faster, having him there as support.

She'd been trying to look beyond the fact that he was a soulless vampire, but it was always there, in the back of her mind. The only reason she could trust him as much as she did was because of a microchip the government had put in his head. You trusted him even before that, part of her mind pointed out.

She had. She'd trusted him to actually have her back during the Acathla truce. She'd trusted him enough that she had never disinvited him, not even after he'd come back to town as a drunken mess because Dru had dumped him. Could she trust him not to eat people if the chip stopped working? She could spend her time wondering and agonizing over it, or she could put on her big slayer pants and actually ask.

She took a deep breath and looked at Spike. He had finished off the pie and was watching her intently. "What would you do," she asked, "if the chip stopped working? Would you go back to killing?"

His eyes glazed over slightly, and she knew he was thinking about it, how it would feel to kill again. He shuddered slightly and closed his eyes, obviously struggling with the thought. Finally, he sighed and opened his eyes. "I'd want to. Know you wouldn't like it, though, even if it was no one you knew," he said quietly. "I'd have to go off human blood. Messes with my impulse control…. Have to find something tastier than pig." He grimaced in distaste. "Even with all that, no guarantee I wouldn't slip."

He started pacing in tight little circles, and absently ran his hands through his hair. "See, the thing is…. It's not just the blood. That's part of it. Not just the kill either, though God knows that's definitely part of it, too." He went quiet again, and Buffy had the feeling he was trying to explain without driving her away. "It's…. I miss the bite," he finally admitted, turning to look at her. "The kill, I can get that with the demons. Not quite the same, but better in some ways, actually, more of a rush. Nothin' really to sink my fangs into, though. Most demons taste like crap, and a plastic bag of blood just i'n't the same."

Part of Buffy wanted to tell him he was disgusting and storm out, but she held it back. He was being honest with her. He was a vampire. Of course he wanted to kill and bite. Even Angel had still wanted those things, despite his soul. He couldn't change what he was, but he could fight against it, if she helped him. You can't change people…, she thought. What if she invested all of that time and energy into him, and it didn't take? The rest of that saying – the part that usually got left out – came to her. Unless they want to change.

Spike wanted to change, didn't he? He seemed like he did. For her. Because he loved her. Did she love him? Could she love him? Was she even capable of love? Riley hadn't seemed to think so. And he kind of had reason to. She hadn't loved him, she realized. She'd tried, because he was normal, and she was supposed to be into that.

She studied Spike. He looked defensive and a little nervous. He'd been honest with her, and he expected to be punished for it. She'd discovered some things about him that she liked. And, she admitted reluctantly, there's a lot we have in common. And then there was the whole him being the key to her heart thing.

"I don't love you," she said quietly. "But I… I think I'm starting to, to feel something." She watched him as she spoke, the look in his eyes going from pain to cautious hope. There was something she could offer to help him, and it honestly wasn't that different from what she was already doing. "If, if something happens to the chip…." She trailed off, swallowing to wet her suddenly dry throat. She wouldn't be able to back away from this once she'd said it. Not without being a disgusting tease. "I can't let you go around biting people. I just can't. Like, I'd have to stake you level of can't. So, instead... you, you could bite me. I mean, you'd have to ask me first and not just go all 'grr, argh om nom nom'." She was babbling again.

His eyes widened. "Buffy, you –"

"No matter what, we're getting you off human once the baby's born," she continued in a rush. "We'll, we'll find something you like more than pig blood, and I'll keep giving you some of mine. And, and if the chip stops working…. You tell me when the need to hunt is getting too strong. We'll do extra patrols, and, and before you go all love child of the Count and Cookie Monster on the populace, you can bite me. Can you promise me that? That you'd tell me when it's getting to be too much?"

Spike nodded slowly, looking stunned. "Yeah… Yeah, I think I can..."

"Thank you." She glanced nervously towards the others, almost expecting them all to be staring at the two of them in disgusted anger. Giles was reading a book while everyone else was watching whatever was on TV. "I… I, um, I'm gonna go hang with the others." She smiled nervously. "Have to do the whole social holiday thing."

She fled the short distance to the living room before he could respond, leaving them both with a lot to think about.

…

...

Xander wandered away from the kitchen, thoughts and feelings all jumbled up inside him. It had been a strange Thanksgiving. Buffy's mom was in the hospital, things between Buffy and Willow had been all weird and icy, and, and… Buffy was falling for Spike. Another damn vampire.

He wanted to feel rage, to blame Spike for everything and accuse him of using the situation to manipulate Buffy's emotions. It was there, but distant. He'd gotten too close to Spike. He couldn't see him as just another vampire anymore. He'd gone through what Faith had almost done to Xander himself. That had humanized him, dammit, made him more than just one of the things that had killed Jesse.

Then they'd started hanging out together. Not only was Spike pretty good at video games, he actually got a lot of Xander's pop culture jokes and even thought some of them were funny. Vampires – especially ones over a century old – weren't supposed to be up on pop culture. Spike was a lot of things that a vampire wasn't supposed to be.

Willow glanced at him as he walked past to sit beside Anya. He knew he should talk to her, find out what was going on with her and Buffy, but he didn't think he could deal with that right now. Not with Buffy falling in love with Spike.

Xander had never liked Angel, even before finding out what he was. He liked to think that part of that had been a sense that he just wasn't right for Buffy, but if he was honest with himself, a lot of it had been jealousy. Riley had been okay. Well, before he'd opened his mouth about his views on male rape and had turned into "I stab pregnant people. Ask me how" guy.

That last had been especially messed up. But before all that, he'd liked Riley and Buffy together. Riley was just a guy, and a military one at that. With the whole Halloween soldier thing, it had felt like Riley was a stand in for Xander. Like Buffy could have loved him if things had been different.

Anya shifted until she was curled up against him. He wrapped his arm around her and gazed at her. An ex-demon even older than Spike who might have killed more people. It was something he didn't like to think about, but it was true. She wasn't like that anymore because her power source had been destroyed. Her ability to be a vengeance demon had been taken away. Spike's ability to be a normal – if that term could ever really be used for bleached menace – vampire had been taken away.

Before his thoughts could continue down that path, Buffy came into the living room. He pressed a kiss against Anya's temple and murmured in her ear, "Be right back. I need to talk to Buffy for a minute." She sighed and pulled away from him. "I'll make it up to you tonight. We can play dungeon master." She narrowed her eyes. "It's about Spike."

She relaxed at that. She wasn't happy about how much time he spent with Willow and Buffy, but she approved of time spent with Spike. Something about male bonding leading to better orgasms. There was probably a logical – by Anya's standards anyway – explanation for that thought, but Xander really didn't want to know what it was.

Xander shook his head and stood up, intercepting Buffy before she could sit down. "Can we talk outside for a minute?" he asked quietly.

She frowned, her nose wrinkling up cutely, and shrugged. "I guess so." She led the way out of the apartment, waiting until he closed the door before saying, "If this is about Willow, I really don't wa-"

"Are you having sex with Spike?"

Xander was as surprised by the question as Buffy looked. He hadn't meant to ask that. He hadn't even consciously thought about it until he had blurted it out. Was she having sex with Spike? Was it any of his business? Yeah, it kind of is, he realized. Not because Buffy was his friend and he thought that meant he had a right to poke his nose into her sex life. Spike had – damn him – sort of become his friend. The damn vampire really was like some kind of fungus.

Buffy flinched, a panicky and defensive look in her eyes. "I'm not… I didn't…. It, it really isn't any of your business."

"Buffy, you're an amazing, good person, and I know you'd never use someone like Faith did, but…." He sighed, struggling to say what he wanted to say. It wasn't easy for him, and there was a part of him screaming in disgusted horror at the thought of Buffy touching a vampire while in her right mind. "When I slept with her… I thought it meant something. And then you told me…. I felt stupid and used and, and dirty. And then stupid again because guys aren't supposed to feel that way. Spike loves you. Don't sleep with him again unless you mean it. It isn't fair to him."

"I know," Buffy said quietly, looking down and crossing her arms over her chest. "It, it was only once. It just sort of happened. We, uh, we're kind of dating now." She looked up at him and bit her lip before hesitantly asking, "Xander, I never asked…. Did, did you love Faith?"

Xander looked away, struggling against the feelings of shame and embarrassment. He didn't know how he'd felt about Faith. It had been such a strange night, running from zombies while being rejected – supposedly for his own good – by all of his friends. He'd still had a crush on Buffy – one that he had to admit was still there, though not as strong – and had been hurting from Cordelia dumping him.

He'd been a virgin, and he'd thought the sex was more than just sex. That it would be the start of a relationship. When she'd kicked him out without even giving him a chance to get dressed, he'd felt like a cheap whore. Then he'd tried to convince himself it had meant more to her than it had.

He took a deep breath and answered Buffy's question. "I don't think so, but… I think I could have been. If things had been… real. But I was just a body to her. No one should feel like that, not even the evil undea-ooph!" Buffy was suddenly hugging him hard enough to drive the air out of his lungs. "Need… to… breathe…" he gasped out.

"Sorry," she said, immediately letting go. "And I'm sorry that happened to you. It's not something I'm going to do. Me and Spike… we're taking it slow. I need to get to know him, for the baby. If it goes beyond that… it'll be because we both feel it."

Xander nodded jerkily, feeling awkward and unsettled after poking at old wounds. "I don't…. I didn't actually think you'd do something like that on purpose, but sometimes…. Well, you know Spike is in love with you, but you might not have realized even consensual sex could hurt him, especially with all of the other stuff you're dealing with. Not even a guy who used to eat people deserves that."

"It's okay." She gave him a reassuring smile, though there was a shadow of something behind her eyes. "Let's go on back inside. Anya is probably missing you."

They went inside, and Xander sat next to his girlfriend again. As she cuddled against him, he thought about love. This was love, what he had with Anya. She was an ex-demon, and he loved her, warts and all. And he had some pretty nasty warts himself if he was honest.

Spike and Buffy. God knew there were problems there, and he wouldn't have approved not that long ago. He felt like he'd been growing up lately. He had his own apartment and was even starting to learn that love didn't care about logic or right and wrong. Something he should have realized a long time ago. After all, he had dated Cordelia. Who was he to throw stones about Buffy dating Spike? He looked from slayer to vampire and mentally gave them his blessing.