.
You're Crazy
Its official, Shikamaru and I are friends again. We were friends, then together for a day, then apart for a bit, and then apart for a longer period of time and now we're friends. Again.
I'm crazy. I'm friends with my ex again and am absolutely crazy.
It's just… I can't stop thinking about what happened the day after our mission...
I'm in the closet. I woke up, realized Shikamaru was coming and I ran to the closest hiding spot I could find that wasn't underneath the bed. Now Shikamaru is in my room, (how he got into my apartment I have no clue) and is looking at my empty bed.
I don't even know why I'm hiding. Hiding from Asobi and Keisuke made sense back in Suna, but there's no reason for me to be doing this now. I hold my breath as I hear him walk from one side of my room to the other.
Then after a few seconds, the door to the closet opens and I immediately recoil into the wall. "Yuri?" He asks and kneels down, coming face to face with me.
I wrap my arms around my legs and don't respond. He continues, "If you didn't want me to come you just had to say so." He starts to stand up again, but I stop him. My hand reaches for his like it did yesterday. Stupid reflexes.
He looks at me for a second, my grip on his arm tightening. He sighs and gets in the closet beside me. "I didn't realize you liked to hide in closets."
"Well after you found me under the bed that one time, I changed hiding spots."
He chuckles, "So is this a new thing, or have you done this before?" He starts to fuss with the netting on his sleeve.
"I used to do it all the time in Suna." I mumble.
"So then why are you hiding from me?"
"Well… When I woke up and realized you were coming I –"
"—freaked out?"
"Yeah," I respond and rest my head on the wall.
There's a pause and I look out into my room. The light from the window is shining onto my clothes in the closet, casting a shadow over Shikamaru and I. It's funny how we're perfectly fine sitting in silence. You would think that after all that's happened it would be awkward, but it's no different than it was before we broke up.
"And no one has ever thought to look in the closet before?" Shikamaru asks after a while.
I shake my head, "Nope. I'm surprised you did actually."
"Well with that ankle, I didn't expect you to get that far."
"True."
The fact that he not only found me, but knew exactly how I was feeling has to mean something right? He could have just left when he saw my room was empty but he didn't. It's beginning to feel a lot like after my accident, except now I'm not wearing his necklace and all he wants is to be is my friend.
But can I really just be friends with him? How long until I start wanting to be with him again? I feel like the way things are progressing it's inevitable. But he doesn't even want to be with me anymore, does he?
Urgh. I thought when he went on another away mission it was a good thing, giving me time to think, but the entire time all I've been able to think is 'I'm crazy'.
"Yuri!" I hear someone call my name as I collide into them.
They grab onto my shoulders to make sure I don't fall over. "I'm so sorry!" I apologize and look up to see, who else, Shikamaru.
"Do you randomly walk into other people too, or is it just me?" He sighs, his hands lingering on my shoulders.
I furrow my eyebrows, "Did you just get back?" I ask, changing the subject.
After a few more seconds he drops his hands and puts them in his pockets, "Yeah. I was actually just going to grab something to eat. You hungry?" He questions me.
I nod, "I could go for some food right now." If I'm friends with him, grabbing dinner with him is no big deal. We used to do this all the time when we were friends, so it makes sense for us to do this now. Right?
"'Kay, let's go then." He starts walking ahead of me and I quickly run to catch up.
"Where are we going to eat?" I ask, looking at him. He looks tired, must have been a long day.
"BBQ? I haven't been there in a while." He comments.
"I went by there the other day and it was gone."
"They moved like two streets over."
"Figures—" I start to say, but as we're passing the book store, someone shouts Shikamaru's name.
We both turn to see Shiho coming out of the store with a handful of books. "Oh hey Shiho," Shikamaru waves as she comes up to us.
When Shiho realizes we are walking together her face flushes. "I didn't know you two knew each other." She stammers.
"Yeah, we've been friends for a while now." Shikamaru explains.
Friends for a while now? Is that how you describe everything that's happened between us?
"Oh, just friends?" Shiho tries to confirm, her voice a little shaky.
Wait a second. I recognize that shakiness. That's the way I used to get when I would talk to Shikamaru back in the day. She likes him.
She. Likes. Shikamaru.
Suddenly I feel this rush of anger flood through me. My stomach tightens and my hand turns into a fist from all the tension. I turn, trying to hide my face because I have a feeling whatever I'm feeling right now I'm not hiding very well.
Shikamaru nods, "Yeah we were just going to grab a bite to eat." He says very definitively as a statement.
"I was just about to head to dinner actually. Mind if I join you?" Shiho asks, a little unsure.
"Yuri?" Shikamaru turns to me and I put on a fake grin.
"I don't mind." I lie. I mind a lot, but it would be rude to say no.
All of a sudden by mind flashes to Mitsuyu and how she reacted to when I would do something she didn't like. I'm not acting like her am I? No... She would have said no outright; at least I have the decency to lie.
"So how do you two know each other?" Shiho asks as we begin to walk towards the restaurant.
It's obvious that both she and Shikamaru want me to answer, but I keep my mouth shut. I don't think there's any way for me to say something without it sounding mean and/or condescending. After a few seconds Shikamaru responds."Well we knew each other since we were kids, but only really started talking when she moved in to my house for a few months."
I can't believe she likes him. We haven't really gone into specifics about what's happened to us in the past two years (and quite frankly, I prefer not to) so I can't be that surprised something like this has happened. It's just… it bothers me so much. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
"Why did you have to move in?" She questions. I know she's trying to be polite, but every time she opens her mouth I want to snap it shut.
"My Dad went to work in Suna for a bit and I had nowhere else to go." I answer as calmly as I can. "What about you two, how do you know each other?" That sounded mean. I hope they didn't catch that.
"We met when we had to decipher a message Jiraya-sama left behind." Shiho responds quickly.
"Oh so you're just work friends?" I know I'm trying to belittle their relationsh— Urgh, even saying relationship makes me sick.
"You could say that I guess."
We arrive at the restaurant, and a waitress leads us to a booth. But as we get there it becomes painfully obvious to me that only one of us can sit next to Shikamaru. Before I could do anything though, Shiho manages to make her way around me and steal the coveted seat the second he sits down.
My eyebrow twitches slightly; how did she do that?
I sit down on the other side of the booth and the waitress places some menus down on the table, heading off to deal with some other customers. I already know what I'm going to order but I grab one and open it up so I can stealthily look over at Shiho and Shikamaru. Shiho is flipping through her menu and Shikamaru is leaning back against his seat looking at the ceiling.
I wonder if he knows how Shiho feels about him. I'm pretty sure he knows since he's more observant than I am and I noticed in two seconds. Then again, I feel like I only noticed because she's acting similar to how I used to.
Shiho then closes her menu and reaches across the table to grab her chop sticks, but when she does her elbow grazes Shikamaru's. Oh that bit—
"Are you ready to order?" The waitress comes out of nowhere and interrupts my thoughts.
I nod and order my usual, expecting Shikamaru to do the same, but he orders beef instead of chicken (something else that's new). But then my stomach explodes when Shiho orders the same thing as Shikamaru; of course she would do that, why would she not?
I need to get out of here and calm myself down. How am I supposed to have dinner with her if I get mad at every single thing she does? As much as I don't want to leave them alone, I feel like this is my best option. "Where's the washroom in here now?" I question Shikamaru.
"It's by where we came in. Just head back there and you'll see it." He tells me, propping his head up on the table with his arm.
"Thanks." I smile wide. Purposely mind you.
Once I'm in the washroom, I enter a stall and lean against a wall, trying to calm myself down.
Based off the way I feel it's pretty obvious to me that I still like Shikamaru. But do I really like him, or the idea of him? We haven't spent enough time together for me to really see how he's changed. The only obvious things are he likes beef and he got a promotion at work.
This whole Shiho thing just bugs me. The first time I met her in the library she seemed pretty nice. I feel bad that I have this automatic hate for her now, but… I can't help it. Every time she does something that even remotely involves Shikamaru I freak out.
God. I'm not used to being jealous. Two years ago when Mitsuyu was dragging Shikamaru around everywhere it didn't bother me at all. Maybe it's because back then I knew nothing would happen and now I'm wondering if something has. The idea of Shikamaru being with other girls during our time apart kills me. I just can't stand it. I can't.
I sigh; I've must have been in here for a few minutes now. I should get back and watch her ogle him. But before I go, I need to take in a deep breath and say it out loud.
"I still like Shikamaru." Wasn't it just an hour ago I was thinking this? I thought that overtime I'd eventually develop a crush on him like before, but it seems Shiho has just exacerbated the whole situation.
"I still like Shikamaru." I repeat. A few months ago just thinking his name was taboo and now I'm in a restaurant eating dinner with him and getting jealous because another girl likes him. I never thought in a million years something like this would happen.
I still like Shikamaru. I may still even love— No. There's no way after all this time I could still love him. Besides the Shikamaru I love may not even exist anymore. I just need to be careful to be his friend and not let myself get so deep in again.
Correction, I need to be careful and just stay his friend because I am so deep in.
I sigh and head back to the booth, but pause right before it to hear what Shiho and Shikamaru are talking about. "So you and Yuri are really just friends?"
There's a slight pause, as if Shikamaru was debating what to say. "Well we used to go out, but we're just friends now." My heart drops to the floor. I've been saying this to myself all week but hearing him say it just makes me want to cry.
Before Shikamaru says anything else I walk over to my side of the booth and sit down. I sigh and pick up my chop sticks, grabbing some of my food and placing it on the grill.
"Yuri?" I hear Shikamaru say.
My head perks up, "What?"
"I asked what's wrong." He says; I must not have been paying attention.
"Nothing." Nothing aside from the fact I realized I still like you, and you just told Shiho we're were just friends.
Then he gives me that look he used to give me all the time. The sarcastic 'Really?' face with the arched eyebrow. "I know that sigh. That sigh wasn't nothing."
My breath gets caught in my throat. He still knows my sighs. "I swear it was nothing." I reply, trying not to melt.
"Sure it was." He mumbles and takes a bite of his food, dropping the subject.
Sometime later Shiho asks me, "How is your work Yuri? I always kind of thought that botany was really cool."
I try to be polite, "it's good. After the mission Shikamaru and I went on, I've been trying to cross pollinate this plant with some of the herbs we have in Kohona to see which combination works the best." I purposely made sure to mention the mission that Shikamaru and I went on.
"Oh? I didn't realize your work involved ninjas."
"It doesn't, but usually I get ninja escorts because of well," I point to the scarf on my neck covering the scar, "you know." I tell the truth, kind of regretting it.
"Yeah I heard about that. What exactly happened?" Shiho inquires and my eyes flicker over to Shikamaru. He's looking at me, waiting to see what I say.
"Uhm, well," I stammer, "I was travelling back here from Suna with this very rare herb. And some ninjas, I don't really know where they're from, attacked us." For a brief instant his face flashes before my eyes. You deserve this, repeats in my head as I continue, "One of them slashing my throat."
"Us?" Of course out of everything I said she picks up on the 'us'. I look at Shikamaru again, seeing if he wants me to tell her.
"She means Ino, Chouji and I." He tells her, elbows on the table and fingers laced.
Her eyes go wide, "You were there?"
"Yeah," he scoffs, "it was kind of my fault." He looks to the side, trying to hide his expression.
I feel my heart break. My entire body becomes heavy; from my head, to my hands and all the way down to my feet. "How many times do I have to tell you it's not your fault?"
He shakes his head, "No, it is. I should have thought things through better but because you were there my judgment was clouded."
I don't want to be talking about this now in front of Shiho. I can tell by her face she's beginning to feel like she shouldn't be in this conversation. But by the tone in his voice it sounds like he's thought about this quite a bit. I can't imagine how he must feel…
"But you were also the reason I survived."
"Ino is the reason you survived, if she hadn't had started healing you right away—" He starts but I repeat myself.
"You were the reason I survived." The only reason I made it through all that was because he was there with me. I wouldn't have been able to otherwise.
He smiles faintly, and takes a bite of his food. "I still think it's my fault." He murmurs and I sigh.
"I'm going to go to the washroom…" Shiho speaks up, her eyes shifting back and forth between Shikamaru and I. As much as I don't like her, at least she has the decency of ejecting herself from a conversation she shouldn't really be in.
Once she leaves the booth, both of us are silent. He's looking down at the table chewing some food while I look out into the restaurant. I take in a deep breath and try to think of something to say, but my mind is blank.
As if sensing our tension the waitress comes back handing us our bills. "Thanks," Shikamaru says and pulls out his wallet.
I should follow his cue and look at my bill, but instead I watch him reach inside his wallet for some cash. And it's a good thing I did too because then I saw it. My eyes widen and I blink a few times to make sure what I'm seeing is real. "You still have a picture of me in your wallet?" Melting. I'm officially melting.
He looks at me like I caught him doing something bad. "Oh this?" He pulls it out nonchalantly, "I just never took it out of my wallet. You can have it back if you want." He tries to hand it to me.
I should take it from him. If I'm just his friend now I should take it, put it in my pocket and never speak of this again. But I don't want to do either of those things; I want him to keep it and have a reminder of me.
"Thanks." Even though I want to know why he has what looks like a new wallet, he hasn't once in the two years we were broken up gotten rid of my photo, I take it, but I don't pocket it just yet.
"It's not your fault." I say for the millionth time.
He smiles a weak smile, "It is." The last time he looked this guilt stricken was the first time I kissed him. But now I can't make his feelings go away like before, I have to sit here and look at him obviously in pain.
Shikamaru looks at me and cringes, "Don't cry."
I shake my head, trying to fight the tears. "I'm not going to cry." I say more to myself, than to him. "We need to get past this. We can't let this define what we are to each other."
"And what are we exactly?"
Funny, I remember asking the very same question to him.
"I don't know." I tell him honestly.
We stare at each other and all the noise and distractions from the rest of the people in the restaurant become drowned out. I have a feeling the second I tell him how I feel, most if not all of our problems will go away. But I've been keeping my feelings to myself for so long I don't even know if I'm capable of telling him.
I need to at least give it a shot. "Shikamaru I—," I start.
"Oh the bills came?" Shiho comes back at the worst possible moment.
I avert my gaze and look at the picture of me still in my hands. It's from before I cut my hair a few years ago. Figures, he keeps the one with the long hair; I think he preferred it. The one thing that sticks out to me though, is the fact that my neck is scar free. The Yuri in this picture had no idea what was coming… I kind of feel bad for her.
Then I reluctantly pocket the photo, look at my bill and act like none of it never happened.
"So I'm headed this way." Shiho stops in the middle of an intersection and points to the right. After we paid our bills and left Shiho and Shikamaru have been talking about the books she got from the book store.
"We're headed this way," Shikamaru points in the direction we were walking. I couldn't help but smile when he said 'we're'.
"Alright, bye Shikamaru. Bye Yuri." Shiho waves and walks off.
The second she is out of sight, we continue walking in silence. It's like we both know the conversation is going to go back to my accident and neither of us want it to.
Shikamaru stops and leans against a wall of a building, waiting for me to stop. "What is it?" I ask him, knowing perfectly well.
"You telling me it's not my fault over and over is not going to change my mind." He goes right to it.
"But it's not." I sigh. "We both knew the risk of taking the Phresdena to Kohona. If anything…" You deserve this. "I deserved it. If I hadn't had cut his face he wouldn't have done it."
He becomes visibly angry, "How could you even dare to think you deserve what happened to you?" The tone in his voice was serious. The most serious I've ever heard him actually.
"How can you think it's your fault?" I retort.
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "I can't believe you. I suppose you think that the attack on Kohona was your fault too?"
I wasn't in Kohona for the attack, and when I heard about it I freaked. I didn't know for months if Shikamaru was alright or not. "Well obviously that wasn't. But the attack on me was. "
He shakes his head and takes a few seconds to calm down. "Fine, how about this: if you stop thinking you deserved it, I'll stop thinking it's my fault." He settles, holding out his pinky to swear on it.
I pout, how is a pinky swear supposed to resolve the issue? There's no guarantee that he would stop thinking it, and no guarantee I would either. So is he just saying this to get me off his back?
"Come on Yuri. I swear I'll stop thinking it. You've just got to trust me." He adds.
"And you trust me?" I look up to him, trying to gage his reaction.
I expect him to waver, think it through, but he responds immediately, "I do."
"Fine." I link my pinky with his, "And I never want to hear anything about this again."
"Ditto." We both smile and let go of each other's pinkys, continuing to head home.
"Oh hey, you really don't like Shiho do you?"
I purse my lips, "What makes you say that?" I didn't think my jealousy was that obvious.
"Just an observation." He comments, not going into detail.
"What? Something I said?"
"No, not really. I just noticed you got angry. A lot."
"I did not."
"Liar."
"Name one time."
"When Shiho sat next to me." He waits for a response but I have none. So he continues, "Or when she touched my elbow. Or how about—"
"Okay I get it!" I glare at him and he laughs this light almost airy laugh.
"Just say it; you want to know whether or not I'm interested in Shiho."
I feel my face go red and I try to hide it. The corner of his mouth tugs up; he knows full well how I feel about this. "Shiho is not the one I'm interested in, so you have nothing to worry about."
I have to ask, "So nothing has ever happened... between you two?"
"Has anything ever happened between you and Keisuke?" He deflects.
I shake my head and respond immediately, "No." In fact just the idea of something happening feels wrong.
"Nothing has happened between Shiho and me either." He answers; shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal.
A wave of relief washes over me. I can finally breathe.
"Wait a second. How do you know about Keisuke?" I don't ever remember mentioning him to Shikamaru.
He looks away immediately, "You brought him up on the mission. I don't remember exactly when it was." He tells me.
"Okay..." I say. Something's not right here.
"Anyways, another thing we still haven't dealt with is how you refuse to tell me how you really feel about the whole, us thing." He changes the subject.
We reach my apartment building and I stop in front of the door, "I was going to tell you in the restaurant, but then…" Stupid Shiho.
He walks up to me and puts his hand in the crook of my neck, gently pulling at my scarf. "No rush, okay? I'm not going anywhere, so take as much time as you need."
"The way you say that sounds like you already know." I stand very still. It's hard to concentrate when he's touching me.
He smiles and leans forward, kissing the top of my head. "Just tell me when you're ready." His hand slides down to mine and for a brief second it's like we are holding hands.
"Oh and one last thing, isn't your birthday in a few weeks?" He asks.
I nod, trying to formulate words after that kiss. "It is," is all that manages to come out.
"Any plans?"
I shake my head, "No."
"Good, keep it that way." He tells me and then starts to walk away, "See you later." He waves.
I wave back, "See you." I sigh. I just let him kiss my head and play with my scarf.
I'm totally crazy.