A/N: Well I hope this distracts some people from recent spoilers. Oh the song used in this is revelry by Kings Of Leon :)
The further she pressed her lips onto the other girls, the more she realized the sinking feeling of her heart and the emptiness in her stomach wasn't fading, if anything it was getting worse. Quinn's lips were soft but far too little, they didn't cushion and consume her own like Santana's did. Quinn smelled of alcohol and cinnamon, there was no faint smoke, no coconut – no Santana. She didn't make her tingle like Santana did.
She pulled away still feeling in a trance, she was so nervous her stomach was twisting in knots and she wasn't even sure why. She didn't feel safe.
"I'm sorry," Quinn gasped quietly, clasping her hand to her mouth. "I have no idea why I did that"
Brittany just looked to the floor, she was sweating and her head was hurting. "Quinn," she felt her voice tremble. "Sorry I shouldn't have kissed you back, and I think you're smart enough to know that Santana and me…" she trailed not even knowing how to finish that sentence.
"So it's true then?" Quinn asked. "What they say around cheerios?"
"What is it they say around cheerios?" Brittany asked, mad that Quinn would listen to idle gossip, she was not really that interested in the answer though. She wished this sadness would go away, it was a physical kind of sadness, she could feel it sting the pit of her stomach. She focused on the floor. It was starting to spin.
"You're gay and you and Santana are seeing each other"
"No and no,' Brittany said. "Santana and me aren't a couple if that's what you're asking and I'm not gay, I'm bisexual" Brittany said firmly. Her eyes went wide as she said it. There was an odd silence. "Whoah…" she breathed.
"What?" Quinn asked.
Brittany finally looked at her; she looked uncomfortable with Brittany's admission. Brittany however felt different. She felt like a weight she didn't know that had been on her shoulders had just been lifted.
"I…I just…I've just realized…I've never said that out loud before," Brittany mumbled in thought. Bisexual. It sounded so natural coming off her tongue, she felt comfortable with the label completely. It was a part of her, albeit a small part, but a part nonetheless and she finally gave it name.
A little of her sadness lifted.
"What are you?" Brittany asks Quinn curiously.
"I'm not anything," Quinn says with a disgruntled look. "I told you I shouldn't have did that, it was a mistake, and if you tell anyone you'll regret it, OK?"
Brittany blinked at the other girl as her body instinctively leaned back away from her. "Are you threatening me?" Brittany asks, her voice feeble.
"No," Quinn sighed sadly. "No Brittany I'm not, I'm sorry I need to go, please lets just pretend this never happened, OK?" the other blonde said as she got up from the bed.
"Quinn," Brittany called out to the other girl as she reached the door. She clutched at her stomach, she felt like she was going to throw up.
"Brittany? Are you OK?" Quinn walked back to her concerned. "Wait here, I'll go get Santana"
Brittany winced as she went to tell her not to, Santana was the last person she wanted to see right now, but Quinn had already hurried out the room. She slumped down and knelt on the floor, her head was spinning, she felt sick but more worryingly she had this constant anxiety, it was spinning in her stomach and making her think something really bad was about to happen. Maybe she was just upset with Santana; maybe it was all her fault. No, it was all her fault.
"Brittany?" came Santana's worried voice as she came into the room a while later. She knelt down on the floor beside her and put a hand on her shoulder, Brittany wanted to shrug it off but didn't really have the energy. "What's wrong?"
"Don't feel too good," Brittany muttered, doing her best to just concentrate on the floor and ignore the horrible feelings in her stomach.
"Shit," Santana hissed. "Quinn," she spoke assertively to the other girl at the door opening. "Go tell the rest the party is over, they've got school tomorrow anyway, they'll thank me, but tell Puck to get his ass up here now"
"Uh…OK" Quinn said uncertainly and headed back out.
"Brittany," Santana said softly "I'm so sorry, all this is my fault I should have never gotten you to-"
"I decided to take the pill Santana, you didn't shove it down my throat, so that's not your fault. Everything else? All your fault" Brittany said flatly and raised her head to glare at Santana who was now kneeling in front of her.
The other girl opened her mouth then quickly shut it again.
"Did you guys invite me up for a threesome or what?" Puck grinned dopily as he came in, followed by a curious bouncing Rachel. "Nah, just kiddin', San's like my sis"
"Puckerman, was that E clean? Brittany doesn't look too good," Santana snarled at him.
"Huh?" he seemed confused as he dropped to the floor beside Santana and was looking at Brittany like some sort of alien. "No man, that stuff was pure and clean. Did you drink much Britt?"
"N-no. One beer" Brittany grumbled, trying to use as little concentration talking and more trying not to throw up. She bowed her head down as the faces in front of her became blurry. She was starting to shiver. She felt Santana's warm and clammy hand sweep away her hair and gently press against her forehead.
"She feels hot but she's shivering, crap, this isn't good, we need to call an ambulance or get you to A and E, call your parents or something"
"I agree" Rachel said nervously from the side. She suddenly looked a lot more sober.
"No" Brittany said sharply, bringing her head up and shooting them all the most serious face she could. "Santana," she mumbled weakly "you know what my mom is like, she would never let this go, my dad would just be so disappointed I can't…I can't let…you won't…" she was finding it hard to talk as her breathing became rapid. She was panicking.
"OK, OK, calm down Britt, we won't tell anyone, OK?" Santana said her voice laced with fear. Santana had her hand behind Brittany's neck and was simply stroking back and forth across her nape. It was sort of calming the storm in her stomach right now.
"Maybe it's a bad trip?" Santana said to Puck sounding confused, it came out more like a question than a statement.
"Nah, you can't really get bad trips from E, well you can but it ain't common. Besides, even if you do, worst you get is paranoia and shit, nothing like this" he said scratching his Mohawk.
"I feel like something bad is gonna happen" Brittany mumbled, rocking slightly as Santana continued her stroking behind her head.
"Mhmm," Puck hummed in thought still seeming unconvinced. "You feel sad?"
"Yeah," Brittany managed out. "But that's got nothing to do with the drugs and everything to do with Santana" she added bitterly.
Santana stopped her stroking as an awkward silence descended on them. Santana resumed a moment later and didn't say anything.
"Uh…" Puck continued, clearly uncomfortable. "Is she on any other meds?" he directed at Santana.
"Well yeah, she's been on meds since the accident"
"What kind of meds?"
"Uh, Ibuprofen painkillers," she retracted her hand and held out her fingers counting them out. "Antibiotics and Fluoxetine, I think that's about it."
Brittany's stomach clenched harder as a vibration of happiness shuddered through her. It was gone as quickly as it came but it was nice. Santana had memorized all the medication she was taking, when she herself didn't know the proper names or anything.
"Well duh chica, there's your problem" Puck said. "Man you're stupid, she's got a whole cocktail of drugs in her system"
Santana seemed to turn pale. "I…I…didn't think"
Brittany was annoyed Santana was getting blamed; Brittany had always been treated like she wasn't responsible for her own actions when she was. She wasn't stupid.
"Clearly" Puck said. "I think you should tell someone but if you really wanna wait this out just drink plenty of water, flush it out your system. You should probably sleep too."
"OK,' Santana sighed looking a little relieved. "Thanks Puck," she said patting his shoulder.
"Quinn's still down the stairs," Rachel spoke suddenly and shifted her eyes between them. "If you want, her me and Puck can clean up down there? Well, Puck and Quinn can clean up and I'll coordinate their efforts"
Brittany felt a smile tug her lips; she could never quite imagine Rachel cleaning mess.
"Thanks," Santana said at her quietly. "Remember to-"
"Lock the door on the way out, I know" Rachel smiled, finishing her sentence for her. "Come on you," she added, grabbing Puck by the bicep and pulling him up and out of the room.
"Stay there, I'm going to change and get you some clothes to sleep in, OK?" she spoke, her reassuring voice floating right through her ears and into her heart. "I'll be right here"
Brittany felt like she didn't want to be alone, or at least her stomach was telling her it was a very bad idea, but Santana was still in the room. Brittany lifted her head meekly and watched the other girl, almost naked again in front of her slip into baggy pants and a tank top. She could still tell Santana's skin was damp from their bath; the other girl was so desperate to get away from her that she didn't bother drying herself. Brittany groaned in frustration, she really didn't like Santana right now. Santana must have mistaken her groan for pain because she came back down and kneeled beside her.
"Are you OK?"
"I'm mad at you" Brittany said flatly.
"I know"
"But you're still so hot" she added.
"I know" Santana smiled feebly.
"You're a heart breaker, you know that?" Brittany said her voice mixed with anger and hurt.
"I know"
Brittany rolled her eyes "Don't you have anything else to say?"
"Not right now" she said holding Brittany by the side and standing them both up. Brittany was still shivering.
Santana put a t-shirt on her and tugged Brittany's still damp jeans down and threw them into the corner. She held out a baggy pair of jogging pants and Brittany stepped into them automatically, still shivering from head to toe.
They stood there, eye-to-eye in the dark room for a second. Santana looked so sad, possibly the saddest Brittany had ever seen her.
"That's not fair Santana, you don't get to look at me like that, you have no right to be sad" Brittany said and climbed into the bed pulling the covers up tight to her neck and hoped they would heat her body. At least the nausea eased up.
Santana climbed onto the bed and over her body to sit down at her wayside. The Latina scooted up until she was the sitting by Brittany's neck, staring down onto her face with an unrecognizable expression. She couldn't pity Santana, she wouldn't. A dark side within Brittany really wanted to tell the other girl she kissed Quinn and revel in the hurt that would likely manifest itself on that perfect face of hers, maybe even go as far to lie about enjoying it…
"I'm not mad," Santana said quietly, interrupting her thoughts. "I'm scared," she said as began carefully stroking over Brittany's forehead, the touch instantly dispersing the blonde's dark thoughts and calming her stomach a little.
"There's nothing to be scared of, feelings aren't scary and neither am I"
"I'm not scared of you," Santana said shaking her head a little as her fingertip trailed it's way softly down from the bridge to the tip of Brittany's nose.
"Then what are you scared of?" Brittany asked quietly, she didn't want to speak too loud or move too much incase Santana would just retreat inside herself yet again.
Santana sighed and Brittany thought maybe the other girl already had.
"Of what's to come," Santana surprisingly explained. The Latina retracted her hand and began wringing her fingers. Brittany knew she was nervous. "You and I" Santana continued and paused. Brittany could feel her heart beat in anticipation. "Things…things are going to change between us soon"
Brittany stared up at her, the statement going straight to her heart but not really registering in her head. It sounded neither bad nor good. If anything though, she couldn't shake how ominous it sounded.
"What do you mean?" Brittany asked, the shakiness of her own voice rattling against her throat.
"You'll see" Santana sighed almost sadly. "Right now you need to get some sleep."
Brittany opened her mouth but then closed it; the look Santana gave her was pretty final. The sadness Brittany felt earlier swirling in her stomach multiplied by ten. Santana looked so sad, and things were apparently going to change between them. Was Santana ending this? Whatever they were? She could see distance in Santana's brown orbs and it unsettled her in a way she really didn't like, despite how mad she was at Santana she was still hurt because this felt like the end. The end of…something…
And then a possibility came into Brittany's mind as Santana continued to confidently hold her gaze, her eyes tired and gloomy. It's like the other girl just realized that they could no longer be friends. Brittany swallowed submissively and felt the sadness multiply again. The worst part was, Brittany knew she was right.
"Are you even tired?" Santana asked after a long silence.
"N-no…too much to think about…my stomach feels…" Brittany groaned, her stomach actually felt a little better, it was just the sad weight of her heart that was crashing down on it.
"You're thinking too much, just like you do with your Dad" Santana said.
Brittany blinked up at her and felt a little anger bubble inside her. "What do you mean? How can you even compare this to my Dad? How dare you!" Brittany tried to sit up and possibly hit the other girl but Santana pressed two hands to her shoulders and forced her back down.
"Sleep," Santana said simply, as if she didn't just offend Brittany. "I know you," she continued and Brittany just stared up at her, wondering if she's ever heard Santana speak this much and this honestly to her. "You think you're stupid but you're not. Sometimes it's good to be a little stupid though, and then you don't overthink things. Sometimes it's better to think your dad's just away and will be back soon, it's better to think that I love you and nothing else besides that matters-"
Brittany's heart stopped.
"-sometimes it's better to see things simply. A long time ago I used to think you were naive for seeing everything so damn easy, so assuredly, so…wonderfully simple. I thought it was stupid but I was wrong, if anything I'm just jealous"
Brittany was floored with Santana's words and candor that she questioned whether or not she was so incredibly high right now that all of this was just a figment of her imagination.
"Anyway, sleep," Santana said again and rested her hand gently over Brittany's at her side.
Brittany just stared up at her and wondered if Santana even realized she said she loved her for a second time, she spoke so fast and the context…she didn't know…why did they have to be this complicated? She had more questions for the other girl, like what did she mean that things would change between them, and why did she say she loved her back. It sounded sincere at the time; did Santana say it by accident? Can you even say 'I love you' by accident?
"Do you want me to sing to you?" Santana asked once again reeling her out of her endless thoughts.
Brittany looked from Santana's sad eyes down to the warm hand over her own that was still shaking a little. Santana's thumb was grazing along the bumps of her knuckles. She nodded as familiar tingles trickled their way up from her hand, up her arm and to her body.
Santana cleared her throat a little and began singing;
"What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I've found"
Santana squeezed her hand a little tighter as she sang. Brittany was already beginning to feel drowsy as Santana's lower than usual, and more gravelly than usual voice sang;
"In the dark of the night I could hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground"
Santana shrugged a shoulder as her eyebrows knitted upwards. It was the kind of apologetic shrug that Brittany knew she did when she meant lyrics literally.
"See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry"
Brittany's heartbeat was thudding low and rhythmic as she simply stared between brown orbs and luscious lips that were emitting the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. Her eyelids blinked slowly as they felt heavier.
"Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start"
Santana looked down and dragged her hand away from Brittany's almost unwillingly, leaving it there cold and trembling once more. Brittany's eyelids were getting heavier still; she could no longer distinguish between when they were open and when they were shut. All that mattered was the voice she could hear.
"So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry"
Brittany had slipped into slumber before Santana could even finish the song.
Her dreams were vivid and weird yet by the time she woke she couldn't remember any of them. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach and she felt a warm uncomfortable feeling sweep across her forehead and behind her thighs. Her stomach was lurching. She was going to throw up. With sleep in her eyes and not even registering anything but hurtling out of Santana's room she whizzed by the blurriness of the corridor and barged the toilet door open, collapsing to the hard tiled floor and watched as the contents of her stomach emptied themselves in the toilet bowl. Those contents turned out to be nothing but thick mucus, as her stomach was already positively empty.
"Eugh…" she groaned, still gagging a little.
She heard Santana's voice head toward the toilet; it sounded like she was talking to someone. She reached the bathroom door and Brittany realized she was on the phone to someone.
"Mhmm," Santana hummed down the phone, giving Brittany a sympathetic look. "Really it was all my fault sir…oh…right yeah…James…"
Brittany lifted her head further and wiped her mouth the back of her hand. Santana was talking to her Dad?
"If you could phone the school that would be great…mhmm…yeah…she's puking as we speak…ha…yeah…mhmm…ok then…thanks a lot, no it's fine…ok…bye"
Brittany gave her a curious look as she hung up.
"I uh, told your dad you ate a really bad burrito," Santana said, smiling nervously. "I said you wouldn't be in school today"
"What time is it?" Brittany asked, her throat thick and sore.
"Half eight"
"Shouldn't you be getting to school, I can walk home"
"What? Hell no," Santana said and crossed her arms looking at her with a frown. "I'm staying here with you, and you're getting back to bed, I'm not just leaving you like this"
Brittany just raised an eyebrow at her.
"So c'mon, if you're done puking get back to bed, I'm making you homemade tomato soup as we speak"
Brittany just scoffed and stood up, her legs felt weaker and number than usual. "Soooo," she drawled out. "You're just going to act all nice to me and pretend nothing happened last night, huh?"
She was still so mad at Santana.
Santana looked at her seriously. "I'll be up in ten minutes with your soup" she muttered quietly then left.
Brittany followed her into the hallway and watched as she went back down the stairs. "Yeah that's right, ignore what I say as usual" Brittany said to her back bitterly. "Fuck you" she added before heading back into Santana's room. She heard Santana's footsteps take pause at the words before resuming a moment later. She didn't care anymore.
She climbed back into the bed and sat there, pillows propped up behind her until Santana came in a while later balancing a breakfast tray on her hand. Avoiding eye contact the other girl came forward and put the tray down on its legs over Brittany. The blonde looked down to see two slices of bread, a bowl of delicious looking tomato soup and a glass of orange juice.
"I figured you shouldn't eat too many solids today" Santana spoke. She sounded nervous. "Uh I won't be offended if you don't eat it or anything, I know you must feel like crap-"
"Why? Do I look like crap?" Brittany interjected, wanting to see Santana squirm more.
"What? N-no! Not at all, you're beautiful like always," she said quietly.
Brittany, despite herself, felt her cheeks burn red; they probably matched the soup in front of her.
Santana walked around to the other side of the bed, got on and shuffled herself carefully toward Brittany, trying not to move too much and spill the soup over the edge of the bowl. What came next Brittany didn't expect but she really should have, it was the Santana she had come to know and love; Santana sucked in her lower lip and held it there as she came even closer that Brittany could smell her. The other girl looked at her nervously then took the spoon, scooped up some soup and held the spoon up in front of the blonde's mouth.
Brittany just blinked between the spoon and Santana's expectant eyes. Honestly, if it had been anyone else she would have been offended at being spoon-fed, literally. People she knew had always wrapped her up in cotton wool, her so called friends, her dad, even her mom in her own twisted way.
"I know we need to talk," Santana spoke, "but it'll have to wait till tomorrow, just, let me take care of you today, OK?"
Brittany stared into deep brown eyes and she knew this wasn't Santana's usual deflection, she could tell that perhaps she actually wanted to talk, or at least felt the need to. She guessed things really were going to change for them, well, she knew that already, she didn't know how they could possibly go back to where they were from this.
Brittany's reply was to lean forward and take the spoon in her mouth. She felt the hot liquid slide wonderfully down her raw throat. "Mhmm, not bad" Brittany smiled and the edge of Santana's lips dared to twitch in response, "OK we'll talk tomorrow, but…can I ask you one question?"
Santana put the spoon back down with a clunk and nodded, looking positively frightened at what that question might be.
"Did you mean it?"
Brown eyes met blue and Brittany knew she didn't have to elaborate, Santana knew what she was talking about. She was so hard to read Brittany thought, as she watched Santana's eyes look down a little, and the smallest of frowns crease her forehead. Santana swallowed and her eyes flickered back up looking Brittany straight in the eyes.
"Every word" she whispered and quickly raised another spoonful of soup.
Brittany, feeling her heart beat erratically against her chest did the first thing to distract herself from possibly flailing. She took the spoon quickly in her mouth and never broke eye contact as she swallowed again and licked her lips in the silence between them; she smirked a little when Santana's eyes fell to her tongue then back up to her eyes for the briefest of moments.
"So…" Brittany spoke quietly. "If I were to ask you to say it again…?"
She had to be sure. Last night could have been excused away with the drugs, even though in her heart she knew Santana meant it – both times.
Santana seemed in thought for a little before giving her an answer that did nothing to provide the reassurance she so desperately needed. "That sounds like another question," Santana said before adding, "Britt, do you trust me? I mean really, trust me?"
She sounded uncertain.
Brittany blinked confused at the other girl, as she wasn't expecting that question. She pondered over it for a millisecond but it felt like much longer. Did she trust Santana? There was only one real answer to that.
"With my life" Brittany said simply, giving a small smile.
Santana's indifferent features turned into a bashful smile, a relieved smile. It made Brittany's smile widen more for some reason.
"Then trust me when I say, we'll talk tomorrow. Now…is there anything else I can do for you?"
"You could let me eat this damn soup on my own" Brittany smirked, her heart feeling light and floaty. Was this…optimism she was feeling? She had been down this path before only for Santana to knock the wind out of her sails, so she tried not to dwell on it.
Santana chuckled and conceded to that. She briefly ran the back of her hand along the blonde's forehead.
"You're burning up a little, I'll go get you a cool cloth," she said as she reached the door.
"Santana?"
"Mhmm?"
"You do know I'm still mad at you, right?"
"I like it when you're mad though" Santana smirked.
"No, not when I'm this mad, trust me" Brittany said, trying her best to keep her face serious.
"Oh..." Santana sighed and looked down uncomfortably.
Brittany tried so hard not to giggle. "So," she said, willing her face not to betray her. "At least from now until this talking time you've apparently got planned, you should probably do a lot more groveling, don't you think?"
Santana opened her mouth then closed it. If Brittany were anyone else she knew Santana would have already retaliated, mocked the very idea of ever groveling to anyone. But she was Brittany, and so Santana just nodded a little and left the room.
Brittany tried to stifle her giggles by shoving more soup into her mouth. Really it was only fair - Santana had made her suffer plenty of times, maybe it was about time she was on the receiving end.
In between sleeping for hours, she had Santana at her beck and call, which turned out to be a lot more fun than she thought. She made Santana download movies for her and forced her to keep her company while she watched her favorite Disney movies, Santana giggled a few times and leaned into the blonde, which made her happier all the more. Santana would deny ever liking such movies though, but Brittany knew better than that. She would request her for things or to do things, making them more ridiculous each time to see how far she could push the other girl. So far she had managed to get Santana to tidy the room, massage her feet and pat the damp cloth over her face amongst other things. The last thing she ordered the other girl to do was to go to her house, fetch Lord Tubbington, bring him over and give him a bath. She was being sarcastic but much to her shock Santana merely groaned and went off before she could object.
"Santana!" Brittany shouted toward Santana downstairs. It was half three and she'd probably go home later for school tomorrow so she wanted to play a little more while she still could.
"Yes?" Santana said grimly, looking exhausted as she stood at the bedroom doorway. She had damp patches all over her clothes, and remnants of some cat hair on her pants. "I hate your pussy," she added dourly.
Brittany giggled.
"Why did you call me?"
"Oh right! Uhm, can I have a glass of coke with uhm…three ice cubes and a slice of lemon at the top?"
Santana stared at her in disbelief. "A…a slice of freakin' lemon? Are you serious? I don't have any, I'll have to go out to the store"
Brittany just grinned and nodded happily. Really, was there any particular reason she was doing this? Something in the back of her mind was telling her to guilt trip Santana because she herself had something to be guilty of. She shook the thought from her head quickly.
"Santana wait!" Brittany called after the other girl who was unbelievably, or believably at this point, half way out the door to adhere to her request. "I'm kidding, I don't want lemon…I'm not even thirsty"
Santana huffed and scowled at her and it was sort of adorable.
"C'mere" Brittany said softly, suddenly feeling sorry for Santana.
Santana walked uncertainly toward the bed.
Brittany outreached her hand and clasped it around Santana's. She brought her hand up to her lips and planted a soft kiss on the back of it. She quickly let go and stared up at Santana who looked a little breathless at the gesture.
"W-what was that for?"
Brittany shrugged. "Thanks for today, you made the aftermath of overdosing on drugs fun"
Santana chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I still feel responsible Britt, this should have never had happened"
"Well, I'm just glad my parents didn't find out"
"Yeah," Santana sighed in agreement and shuffled on her feet a little.
"I do have one more favor to ask though"
Santana groaned.
"Can you get my crutches? I think it's time I left" Brittany smiled. She felt sad to leave Santana, just like any other time she did, but it felt like the best thing to do right now.
Santana snorted. "Sure thing Blondie, although I'm thinking about changing your nickname"
"Oh?" Brittany asked curiously.
"Mhmm," Santana hummed in amusement. "Boss seems more appropriate"
"Don't worry Santana, I won't tell anyone what a walk over you are" Brittany winked.
"I'm not a walk over," Santana stated, more like a fact than an argument. "It's just…well…I'd let you walk over me anytime you wanted"
Brittany giggled at the thought, and even more at Santana's attempt at saying something…nice? Romantic even?
"I'll contact you if I ever need a human bridge then" the blonde grinned.
The next day at school was boring as ever, Brittany still had a lingering headache and a bit of a temperature but it was something she'd rather deal with than stay off another day and arouse suspicion. A bad burrito excuse can only stretch so far. Come lunchtime she was alone for a change and swung around on her crutches trying to find Santana. She hadn't seen or received a text from the girl since yesterday, but she guessed it was no big deal since she would see her in their English class after lunch. After checking their spot behind the bleachers, which was empty, Brittany decided to sit out; despite the chilly fall wind, and watch the cheerios do their routine. She cursed wearing only leggings and a t-shirt. Her heart panged as she watched them, it looked brutal as ever but strangely that's what she missed the most. Once they took a break Brittany motioned for Quinn to come over to her. Quinn stopped on the grass and looked up to the second row where Brittany sat.
"How…are…you…feeling?" Quinn asked panting between breaths and clutching her waist.
"A little rough but I'll live" Brittany smiled at the other girl. "I wish I brought you lunch or a drink," Brittany said, remembering how hungry and thirsty she was and even remembering the time before her accident when Santana brought her lunch.
"Promise me you'll never take that stuff again" Quinn said crossing her arms.
"I don't plan on it," Brittany said simply, shrugging. "But I'm a try anything once kinda gal" she smirked.
Quinn laughed a little and seemed suddenly flustered by the comment.
"You kissed me," Brittany stated.
"I…I…I know" Quinn stuttered out. It was odd to see her fumble over her words.
"Look Quinn, I really like you but-"
"Look Brittany, just stop OK? We really don't need to have this conversation. I get it" Quinn said firmly, her shy demeanor fading.
She get's it? Well, Brittany sort of admitted a lot to her that night.
"So…we're OK?" Brittany frowned, unconvinced.
"We're fine Brittany" Quinn smiled, but it wasn't entirely genuine. "Anyway I better go," she said as she motioned her thumb over her shoulder. "Coach is making us stay after school to practice too, so I better go get something to eat while I can"
Brittany nodded in understanding and with that Quinn jogged away from her.
Brittany was the first person to arrive for English. She really liked English, mostly because she sat next to Santana but also because she actually liked the book she was reading, even if it was a little depressing and even if she was probably 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. She twirled the tattered book in her hands, Lord Of The Flies. She wondered what would happen if the glee club got stranded on an island, what role would she play? Without her dancing right now she played no role whatsoever in the glee club, she was sort of losing her identity, yet at the same time with her admission to Quinn she felt like she was discovering other parts of it in the meantime.
"Overthinking again?" came a familiar voice.
Santana was sauntering toward her in the isle in the middle of the classroom; her dress was blue at the bottom but white and stripy at the top. Over it sat her usual leather jacket. Brittany swallowed as she came closer, then the other girl drifted behind her and took her usual seat. Brittany instantly smelled smoke and coconuts but something else was disrupting the smells.
"Have you been drinking?" Brittany asked a little more confrontationally than she intended.
"I had one gulp of Jack's, geez, I needed it to settle my nerves, OK?" Santana said defensively.
"What are you nervous about?" Brittany asked facing the front of the class, they were the only two in here but maybe if she didn't look at Santana it would take away some of the intensity…maybe…
"We need to talk"
Brittany frowned confused. "Yeah, I know that but…wait…you're nervous about us talking?"
"Kinda," Santana admitted and Brittany just hard to turn and face her at the honesty. She wished it wouldn't surprise her when Santana was being honest with her, but it still did. "I mean," the other girl hesitated, "I don't think you'll like what I have to say, or even like me at all after it"
Brittany felt like she was swallowing a cold piece of iron at yet again how ominous Santana sounded. She turned to face the front of the class again. "I love you Santana," she stated freely, she was pretty sure she heard Santana gasp a little, even though she had already told her this. "Nothing you say will change that"
There was a brief silence.
"I…I wouldn't be so sure…" Santana said quietly.
English dragged in and Santana made no attempt at further talking to Brittany during it, even though they had a few chances to talk. She watched with interest as Santana ripped a piece of paper out of her writing book and began to scribble a note on it. The bell rang and Santana got up first, the note scrunched up in her hand. The Latina clasped her hand around Brittany's wrist and coaxed her hand open; she placed her hand over Brittany's, dropping the note onto her palm. Brittany felt her hand tingle as Santana left if linger there for a moment longer then left without a word.
Brittany made no attempt to move as the rest of the class spilled out. Was this Santana's attempt at talking? A note? She rolled her eyes but read it anyway:
Meet me in the auditorium after last period.
P.s this wasn't meant to sound wanky but now that I'm re-reading it, it does sound like a booty call, but FYI that is totally not what this is, well, unless you want to of course, I'm not really down with doing it in a big ass room that's supposed to echo sound but whatever floats your boat.
You're the boss after all.
Brittany scrunched the note up in her hand gave a hearty laugh. As she left the classroom she didn't quite have the heart to throw the note away in the trash, instead she tucked it into her bag.
Brittany kept bouncing in her seat during last period in anticipation of both a good and bad kind. She felt relief when she finally heard the last bell of the day.
"You wanted to meet me here?" Brittany asked, swinging her crutches till she was center stage in the large McKinley auditorium. They were the only two in here.
Santana was sitting in the front row of the seats looking up at the stage, she got up and climbed up on stage, dusting herself off as she came up to Brittany's eyelevel a few feet in front of her.
"I can't do this anymore," Brittany found herself speaking first "I can't keep going back and forth with you, it's too much" she said, her voice trembling, her throat feeling thick and like it was closing in on itself. "I've been more than patient with you Santana, but…I can't…I can't even be your fiend, you and I? We can never be just friends and I think you know that."
Santana swallowed and simply looked at her, she looked small and weary and her eyes were glistening. The purple light from the stage light was making her glow softly.
Brittany couldn't help but feel annoyed, "So, what did you bring me here for? You gonna sing to me again? Think it will make everything better?" Brittany shrugged confrontationally, the bottoms of her crutches clunking on the stage. "Bought me something? Huh?"
Santana opened her mouth to say something but it shuddered and she closed it again.
"Whatever Santana, goodbye" Brittany said sensing she was, after all of this, going to get nothing as usual and was about to turn around when…
"Wait!" Santana called out to her, her voice echoing around the large room.
Brittany raised her eyebrows at the other girl expectantly. Well?
Santana cleared her throat and shuffled on her feet a little before she spoke;
"And her heart would beat against me,
In sorrow and in rest:
And I should know if it beat right,
I'd clasp it round so close and tight.
And I would be the necklace,
And all day long to fall and rise
Upon her balmy bosom,
With her laughter or her sighs:
And I would lie so light, so light,
I scarce should be unclasp'd at night."
Brittany blinked at the other girl as a long silence fell between them; she felt her heart flutter but tried to make her face remain stoic. Brittany wasn't going to say anything; she was fed up doing the talking and the chasing.
"Uh…" Santana spoke again, her voice uneven. "That was Tennyson," she explained.
"I don't know who that is," Brittany said shrugging. "I'd rather hear how Santana Lopez feels anyway, so it doesn't matter what poetry you recite, or what you buy me, or what song you sing-"
"I love you" Santana cut her off quickly, she took a step closer to Brittany. "I…I do…I love you…so much" she said, her bottom lip quaking and her eyes darting all over the blonde's features.
Brittany felt so many emotions suddenly run through her blood that her knees gave way and she collapsed, slamming onto the marble hardness of the stage, her crutches clattering alongside her.
"Brittany? Are you OK?" came Santana's panicked voice as she hurtled toward her, dropping to her knees in front of her. Brittany rolled onto her back seeing stars a little, the purple lights from above swirling around her. Santana's warm hands cupped both her cheeks, engulfing her face with tingles and burning the very blood beneath her skin.
"To answer your question…am I OK?" Brittany croaked out, looking up into deep brown eyes, the only thing she could see with clarity right now. "Very much depends on you"
"Careful," Santana said as she gently lifted her up by the back of her neck to sit upright. "Are you OK?"
She was doing that thing again to the back of her neck, stroking her thumb back and forth that made Brittany's head tingle and her hair stand on end.
"Can you say that again?" Brittany asked quietly, a small smile tugging her lips.
Santana continued stroking her thumb across the blonde's nape, a humbled and unsure smile spreading across her features. "I love you" Santana breathed, leaning her forehead down and resting it against Brittany's.
"Again" Brittany breathed back, a giggle intertwining with her increasingly rapid breathing.
Santana rolled her eyes a little, amused. "I love you"
Santana barely got to finish the last one when Brittany cupped Santana's face in her hands and brought their lips crashing together. Santana sucked in a surprised breath through her nose and a low chuckle vibrated at the back of her throat. Brittany pressed her lips further onto Santana's yet didn't want to open her mouth; she just wanted to kiss her. Simply. She ran her thumbs across the Latina's cheekbones as she pressed even further into the other girls face, their lips mashed and messy together, breathing hard as one. She whimpered when Santana ran her tongue along her lips briefly. Brittany felt like a million butterflies had just sprouted wings in her stomach and they were all trying to find the way out, they fluttered wonderfully against the lining of her stomach and she felt it reverberate against her heart.
She pulled away with a wet smack of their lips and grinned happily at Santana who still sat, eyes-closed, eyebrows raised. She looked like she had just been kissed for the first time and couldn't quite believe it. Santana licked her lips as her eyes fluttered open, revealing warm brown eyes to the blonde.
"Hi," Santana said softly, a smile on her face.
"Hi," Brittany giggled gently back.
They both just sat, center stage looking at each other with the largest grins either had seen the other wear. After a while of contented silence they both just laughed and looked away. Brittany didn't quite know what to do with herself. Santana's smile faltered however and she began playing with her hands. The brunette looked down at her hands and Brittany watched as the other girl began scraping away at her fingers with her nails.
"Is there something you wanted to say Santana?" Brittany smiled calmly at her.
"It's just…you…you don't deserve to be burdened by me," Santana said shakily as she raised her head and made eye contact with Brittany. Her eyes were watery.
Brittany did her utmost to remain supportive and calm and wore a small smile on her face. "It's just your opinion that you'll burden me, but I don't think it matters either way, I can't help that I've fallen in love with you, people don't generally tend to get a say in those things" she said simply.
This made Santana's lips form the ghost of a smile as she blinked away tears that had yet to fall. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you love me? W-what could you possibly even love about me, or even like?"
Brittany cocked her head to the side curiously. "I love you Santana," she shrugged "you're asking me to explain love? For what it's worth," Brittany paused and seen that Santana was hanging on her every word, as she possibly held a breath. "For what it's worth, I can tell you what I love about you but I can't explain why I love you, that questions wayyyy too big" Brittany smiled. "Right up there with what caused the big bang and what is the meaning of life"
Santana gave a sniff and chuckled a little.
"You're loyal, you're honest…to a fault even"
Another chuckle.
"You're beautiful and brave and I think you're wise for someone so young. I feel safe when I'm with you, loved, even though you're not the best at showing it but I get that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling or seeing your love" Brittany said, her breath catching in her throat even as she was speaking because with every word the butterflies in her stomach seemed to flutter with more earnest.
"I have problems" Santana said suddenly, her tone somber.
"We all do"
"But mine won't go away" Santana countered.
"Then we'll work together to make them go away"
Santana seemed momentarily frustrated but just slumped her shoulders and looked down to the floor. Brittany crossed her legs together and sat there patiently.
There was a long silence and Santana was just staring at the floor, she would occasionally rub underneath her eye, probably trying not to cry more.
"I…I have a problem with alcohol and probably drugs too…b-b-but the worst part is…they're not even the real problem, they're just the solution to my problem" Santana said shakily, her shoulders heaving in quiet sobs.
"How so?" Brittany asked quietly.
"I…I…how can you love me when I have this dark, horrible thing inside me? This fucking monster?" Santana said shooting her a glare and frowning sadly. "You know I almost killed a girl once?"
The words echoed around the room and Brittany rattled her brain as to where that sounded familiar. Then she remembered.
"Quinn told me there used to be a cheerio in this school and after Quinn…you know…outed you this girl told everyone and-"
"And I fucking held her head under the toilet bowl water until I stopped seeing the bubbles" Santana growled. "She had to transfer school and everything"
Brittany swallowed hard and stared at her. "You were upset, you made a mistake-"
"Maybe," Santana shot back. "But it's not a mistake if it happens twice is it? You wanna know why I was in juvy? Because I nearly fucking killed a guy. 'Aggravated assault' they called it" Santana said finger quoting. "Some douchebag broke into my house and I hate being alone in that fucking god damn house!" Santana practically shouted, then calmed herself, Brittany looked down to the other girls hands and seen them shake, red lines on the back of them where the girl had been digging her nails in. "Anyway, I caught the guy, I defended myself but he ran out of the house and apparently I was so angry that I chased him out there and proceeded to hit the guy at least five times with a baseball bat. I had never been so scared in my life. The bastard tried to sue me but it didn't fly. They gave me a few weeks in juvy but I was out in two and served the rest of my sentence doing community service. I sat there and told my sob story and they ate it up, but do you wanna know the worst part?"
Brittany shook her head feeling numb.
"I don't remember a god damn thing. Both times. I don't remember grabbing that girl and dragging her to the toilets, I don't remember picking up the baseball bat and chasing that guy out my house" Santana said, her voice all over the place and tears now streaming from her red eyes. "Because I got so damn angry those two times that I blacked out…at least…that's what I call it. I was told what I did but I honestly don't remember, they got some shrink to evaluate me and they said I had anger issues. Well no fucking shit. They forced me to see Pillsbury but I've never went. She can't fix this; she can't fix this thing inside of me. Nobody can."
Santana suddenly stood up, her hands shaking as she wiped the back of her hand across her cheek. Brittany scrambled up to join her.
"So you see Brittany? You can't possibly love me or even be with me when I'm walking around feeling like I've got a bomb strapped to my chest that might go off any minute. I don't want to be with you when something might happen and I go into a fit of rage and I can't even remember what I'm doing or where I am. I made you cry and hit me within the first week of meeting me, I think that pretty much sums up the kind of person I am"
"You saved my life, are teaching me Spanish and never, not once, ever took revenge on Quinn, despite you knowing her secret. I also think that says something about the kind of person you are" Brittany's voice was trembling, she couldn't take all this in. "I'm not going to stand here and allow you to paint yourself as some kind of unlovable monster, you've made mistakes, you just have to deal with them! Stop kicking yourself over things that could have turned out much worse!"
"I love that you try to see the best in everyone Britt but there's no best to find here" Santana said glumly. "That's why I need to drink, most of the time I don't feel the anger when I drink, it sedates me, it allows me to be me. If you want to be with me you're going to have to take the shit that comes with it. So either I go cold turkey and you see the real me, the ugly me or you have to deal with having an alcoholic girlfriend, so which is it?"
Girlfriend. Brittany's heart stopped as the butterflies in her stomach that had all but died suddenly fluttered lazily back into action. "Y-y-you're asking me?"
"I said I'd do anything for you and I meant it. If you want me to stop drinking I'll do it, if you want me to jump of a cliff I'll do it. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me Britt," she said firmly.
Brittany found herself blubber and was crying herself now. "I-I don't have the solutions to a-a-a-any of your problems Santana, I can only say that I love you and I'll be here to support you in a-a-any way I can"
Santana wiped her eyes again, her mascara running down to her cheeks. "I don't think we should hang out as much anymore"
"What?"
"Our relationship isn't exactly healthy. It's true what you said you know, we can't be friends but I want to be worthy of you so…I think it's best if we had some distance from now on"
Brittany's throat was closed up as her heart sank. "Are, are you ending this? You can't shut me out now Santana"
Santana's lips trembled a sad smile. "No Britt," she sighed with fondness "I'm not ending things or shutting you out, if anything it's the opposite."
"It doesn't feel like the opposite," Brittany choked out, stepping closer to the other girl so that they were eye to eye.
"I just need to figure things out and sort other things, I'm not going to ignore you or anything Britt, I just think we shouldn't be together as much anymore" Santana said ambiguously, running a hand through her hair and sniffing back more tears. "Until the right time comes…"
"You don't have to deal with everything in your life alone Santana"
"I know," Santana conceded.
"Until the right times comes? What does that mean anyway? What happens then?" Brittany asked frantically.
Santana sniffed once more as she stopped crying and tugged her jacket out, straightening it.
The faintest of smirks spread across her face. "Then, I ask you out on that date"
Brittany clutched at her chest, feeling sad and happy, conflicted and scared, feeling like she didn't know Santana at all yet knew her better than most right in this moment.
"I-I…I don't know what to say," Brittany crumbled and flung herself around Santana, embracing her in a tight hug and inhaling her sharply as if it was the last time she'd ever see her.
"Ssh, it's OK" Santana cooed and patted her back lovingly.
They stood that way for what felt like hours. Brittany realized that her earlier gut instinct was only partly right. This was the end of something, but also the beginning of something new.
There was an odd serenity in the silence between them as they left the school. The sun was out, it was cold and there was a gentle wind carrying leaves idly along the ground. The sky was tingeing red and orange as the evening went on. In the car park, instead of heading toward her car Santana walked over to the bench sitting opposite it, patting her hand on the space next to her. Brittany followed suit and sat down next to her, maybe she wanted to talk Brittany thought, it was cold out here, but whenever and wherever Santana wanted to talk Brittany would listen. Santana let out a shaky breath and looked ahead at nothing particularly, Brittany watched her, the other girl looked so weary and defeated but also strangely less burdened. Maybe, much like Brittany with her admission to Quinn, a weight had been lifted off Santana's shoulders too.
It was cold and calm as they sat watching the sunset in the distance. Brittany shuddered a little.
"Here," Santana took off her leather jacket and draped it over Brittany's shoulders.
The blonde smiled shyly as she put her arms in, the soft inside lining and Santana's body heat already making her goosebumps retreat. "But now you're cold" Brittany noted as Santana began to rub her hands up and down her bare biceps.
"Do you remember when we first met?" Santana asked with a wistful look in her eye and smiling faintly ahead.
Brittany chuckled a little and shifted closer so their thighs were grazing. "Yeah, you called me Barbie, you hated me," she said letting an amused sigh escape her lips.
Santana looked to the side at her, her eyebrow arched. "I didn't hate you"
"Yes you did," Brittany argued, there was no way Santana was going to win this one.
"No I didn't," Santana said more adamantly. She was looking Brittany straight in the eye, her expression unwavering. "I wanted to hate you but I just couldn't, I made up all these things I thought I knew about you in my head just to get myself to hate you. I knew as soon as I met you, from the instant I met you…that you were dangerous…"
"Dangerous?" Brittany asked confused. She tucked her cold nose down beneath the collar of the jacket, inhaling the familiarity of Santana.
Santana lifted her legs a little and sat on her hands, as if it was all she could do to stop herself from fidgeting. "It might sound corny but…I knew…the moment you smiled that goofy smile at me, and looked at me with those eyes and held out your freakin' hand, I mean who does that?" she said giving a warm laugh.
Brittany grinned and felt her heart beat a little faster against her ribs.
"I knew,' Santana continued "If I spent anymore time with you, I'd fall in love with you…I tried so hard for it not to happen…but…well…you're nothing if not persistent Britt" she said smiling genuinely at her, the white of her teeth showing and her dimples creasing her slightly red cheeks.
"I never thought I'd have you" Brittany admitted quietly, looking down at her feet swinging back and forth.
"Brittany," Santana sighed with affection as if she had somehow missed the point of something. Brittany frowned and looked up at her. Her breath caught in her throat a little as Santana was smiling at her, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She didn't look sad though. Not one bit. The smile widened even further as the tear reached her chin, she blinked bashfully to the side before speaking with the most uneven, honest tone Brittany had ever heard from her.
"You had me from the start"
Brittany felt the air leave her lungs and her heart almost explode, as the words seemed to register, Santana's earlier admission of love suddenly hit her like a ton weight too, like some sort of delayed reaction. She felt sick in the most delirious, wonderful way. She was sure she could easily throw up all her internal organs right now and simply give them to Santana as some sort of offering. She'd give Santana her heart; pounding and bloody in her hand if it could show one fraction of the love and appreciation she had for Santana in that moment, because she knew it was something her mouth would never be able to vocalize. She sat; lips parted breathing through her mouth, struggling for air. She felt like she was dying and she'd just found out she was going to heaven. Though this would be heaven in her world, Santana sitting here with her, sunset behind them, and the other girl being open and honest about her feelings. She was so incredibly moved by Santana today, and proud at the same time that her body shut down. She never before realized she could gain happiness from another person's happiness, and to be the source of that happiness, well, Brittany had read many words and expressions in books but none of them seemed to be applicable, the English language suddenly seemed so inadequate. She knew Santana was a good person, that she was just troubled, she knew Santana was trying to sabotage her own character in some vein attempt at her not hurting others, but they were too far gone for that. Brittany was here to stay, she belonged with Santana even though in the back of her mind she feared what might happen if she told her about the kiss with Quinn, even though it didn't mean anything.
Santana got up and turned to face her, shivering on the spot a little. She wiped the tear away from her face and smiled beautifully, the sun in the sky framing her face perfectly. "C'mon," Santana said, inclining her head toward the car. "Us having some distance doesn't mean to say I can't give you a ride home" she smiled.
Brittany got up slowly still silently stunned; she had a familiar feeling of elation in her stomach and buzzing beneath her skin – except this time she wasn't high, well, certainly not on drugs anyway.
"Your jacket…" she mumbled as she stood on the spot dumbfounded. Out of all the things she wanted to say to Santana right now, this was nowhere near the top of the list. Stupid brain. She went to take the jacket off.
"No," Santana said, stopping her by raising a hand. "You keep it, it looks much better on you than it does on me anyway" she smirked.
"I…I highly doubt that" she stuttered.
Santana giggled and it suddenly reawakened the butterflies that had been lying dormant in her stomach.
"Usted es la persona más hermosa que he conocido" Santana sighed.
You are the most beautiful person I've ever met.
Brittany's heart jolted when she recognized most of the words and knew what they meant. Her pride was overshadowed by her complete adoration. The butterflies were now tickling her stomach.
Her lips twitched into a smile before replying.
"Usted demasiado"
You too.
Santana's face looked how she felt, and there were simply no words to describe it. Santana was still the most complicated book Brittany thought, but now for the first time it felt like they were on the same page.