Animal Crossing: The Series

Episode 11: Extreme Road Trip

It was the beginning of summer in Hell, and the gang decided to take some time off work for some much needed relaxation. To kick off the two week-long break, Snake had invited CJ, Curt, Poncho and Alfonso up north to spend the night in an old cabin he inherited from his late uncle. Naturally, CJ was chosen to be the driver.

"It's a shame the girls couldn't come," said Curt, loading some bags into the trunk of CJ's car, "It would have been nice to have a little female company you know?"

"It's alright," said CJ, loading a duffel bag, "If the girls were here, we would have to take a second car. We can all travel together this way!"

"5 guys," began Poncho, "Cooped up in this small car for two hours and then spending the night together in some cabin? Sounds pretty gay!"

"Why'd you come then?" asked CJ.

"Can't pass up a good road trip," said Poncho, "Besides, wherever there's booze, I'm never far behind!"

"Speaking of which," said Curt, "You did pack the booze, right? There should be enough for everyone."

"Yeah, yeah," said Poncho, "Not like this guy's gonna be doing any drinking!"

Poncho pointed at Alfonso.

"I certainly won't," said Alfonso, "Alcohol doesn't sit very well with me and it clouds my judgment."

"Whatevs," said Snake, "More for me then. Are we ready to go?"

"Yeah," said CJ, "Let me just warm the car up."

"What is this?" asked Poncho, "A KIA? Did you know that every KIA you purchase sponsors Kim-Jong Ill and his evil activities? You are no better than a terrorist!"

"Dude," said CJ, "KIA's are made in South Korea, not North."

"Same shit," said Poncho, "Either way our enemies profit!"

"Yeah, well I don't care," said CJ, "It's reliable and I saved a hell of a lot money buying it used. Are you getting in or not?"

"Alright," said Poncho.

"I call Shotgun!" said Curt, who then ran up to the passenger side door.

"Yeah, yeah," said Snake, getting in the back, "But I'm riding shotgun on the way back!"

"In your dreams," said Poncho, "That seat is mine!"

Alfonso got in followed by Poncho. Alfonso found himself wedged in the middle.

"Um, CJ," said Alfonso, "Where's the seatbelt?"

"I don't know," said CJ, "Probably tucked under the seat somewhere. You won't need it!"

"Oh," said Alfonso, "But I do. Did you know that seatbelts saved more than 300 lives last year alone? If you crash, I run the risk of flying out the front window and suffering from potentially life-threatening brain damage, or broken bones, or other grotesque medical horrors I dare not think of!"

"I won't crash," said CJ, "I know what I'm doing!"

"Even good drivers crash," said Alfonso, "There are all kinds of external factors: The weather, impaired drivers, a wild animal crossing the street..."

"Poncho," said CJ, "Switch places with Alfonso...Please."

Poncho and Alfonso swapped places.

"Ready to go?" asked CJ.

"Hellz yeah!" the guys said in unison.

CJ stepped on the gas and quickly drove onto the road that lead out of town.

"Just a friendly warning," said Alfonso, "I tend to get very car sick at times, so please don't go too fast or put the radio on so loud."

CJ sighed.

Meanwhile, Sakura and Lindsay were planning a special day of their own. While the men headed to the cabin, the girls decided to drive up to Sumware to shop at their famous outlets.

Lindsay had just stopped in front of Sakura's house to pick her up. A few seconds later, Sakura emerged from her house and ran up to Lindsay's car.

"Do you ever plan on getting your driver's license?" asked Lindsay.

"Why?" asked Sakura, as she entered the car, "You tired of driving me around?"

"No," replied Lindsay, "It's just...You're twenty-two years old and you still don't know how to drive. You gotta learn some time, no?"

"I'm Asian," said Sakura, "I'm a road hazard."

"Don't let that silly stereotype stop you from learning how to drive."

"I'm kidding...Look I have my moped and I'm fine with that. Why would I need to drive a car in this town anyways?"

"You never know," said Lindsay, "What if I get violently ill while on the road and only you can drive me to the nearest hospital?"

"In that case, I'd carry you."

"Thanks, I guess. You're a good friend."

Lindsay then started the car and drove off.

"Man," began Sakura, "I can't wait to check out those outlets! There are so many things I wanna buy. I won't know where to start!"

"There's just one thing that I absolutely want," said Lindsay.

"Yeah," said Sakura, "Those Lenta sandals you kept harping about last week. Aren't they expensive?"

"Yeah, but I've been saving up! Today is the day I finally get my hands on them!"

"Well then, Sumware, here we come!"

"How much longer?" asked Curt.

"A lot longer," said CJ, "And don't start with that shit. You've been bugging me the whole trip."

"Geez," said Curt, "Can't ask a simple question anymore!"

"Why can't you be like Snake?" asked CJ.

Curt turned to look at Snake, who was fast asleep with his mouth wide open. Snake then began snoring and wheezing.

"Ugh," said CJ, "Nevermind."

"Are there any rest stops nearby?" asked Alfonso, "I really need to use the facilities!"

"We were stopped before," said CJ, "Why didn't you go then?"

"Because," said Alfonso, "I didn't have to go then. I have a very uncontrollable bladder."

"Just hold it in," said Poncho, "We'll be there in like another hour."

"It's dangerous to hold urine in that long," said Alfonso, "All that urea in your system is toxic! Your kidneys can shut down and you die a slow, painful death. Oh, I get sick just thinking about what I would have to endure!"

"Alright," said CJ, "Just hold onto your kidneys for a few minutes longer. There's a stop coming up!"

"Good," said Poncho, "Maybe I can pick something up to eat!"

"We got food in the trunk!" snapped CJ.

"You mean those granola bars?" asked Poncho, "Blech! I need a hot meal!"

"No," said CJ, "We're stopping so that Alfonso and anyone else who has to pee can go. Otherwise, we're not wasting any more time!"

"Gee," said Curt, "Who made you king of the road?"

"I'm just tired," said CJ, "Next time we go on a trip, you're driving!"

"Sure," said Curt, "But just know that my car is a death-trap! I thought American cars were bad, but Animalese cars just take the cake! No offense."

"No," said Poncho, "None taken. There is a reason why they're so cheap!"

"I see a stop coming up," said CJ, "Make it quick, Alfonso!"

"Yup!" said Alfonso.

CJ parked the car at a gas station. Alfonso quickly stepped out and ran towards to bathroom, which was a small shed-like building behind the store.

"Oh dear," said Alfonso, "This place doesn't look sanitary. Ew..."

Alfonso stared into the small, rusted toilet bowl, which was full of balled up paper towel, food, and other nasties. Alfonso hastily unzipped his pants and began to pee, while humming a tune to himself. As he began to zip up his pants back up, a small spider suddenly jumped onto Alfonso's shoulder.

"EEK!"

The alligator bolted out of the bathroom and ran back into CJ's car. CJ left the gas station and began driving.

"What happened to you?" asked Poncho.

"I need sanitizer," said Alfonso, anxiously, "Do you have any?"

"Sure, replied CJ, handing a bottle of hand sanitizer to Alfonso.

Alfonso took the bottle and squeezed it as tight as possible, causing a ludicrous amount of gel to pour onto his hands.

"Sweet," said Curt, "I think we scared him out of bathroom breaks for good!"

"Not funny," said Alfonso, "All those germs...It was like a deathtrap in there!"

"Whatever you say," said Curt.

Just then, Snake woke up and yawned.

"Hey guys," said Snake, "Man, I really need to use the bathroom. Can we stop for a sec?"

"AAAARRRGH!" screamed CJ.

After a few hours of driving, the girls found themselves on a long stretch of highway.

"Do you think maybe we can stop at the next town?" asked Sakura, "If I don't go to a bathroom soon, I'm gonna explode!"

"Oh, Sakura," said Lindsay, "You're being melodramatic."

"Maybe," said Sakura, "But I gotta pee. And I'm sure you wouldn't mind stretching your legs a bit."

"Fine," said Lindsay, as she took the next exit, "There's a town up ahead. We'll stop there."

Meanwhile, the gang final arrived at the cabin. It was virtually in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees, and a small patch of land.

"Damn," said CJ, "It's a little smaller than I thought."

"Yeah," said Snake, "But it's cozy. Don't worry."

The men worked together to unload the trunk of CJ's car. They carried all the stuff into the cabin and dropped in front of the entrance.

"Well," said CJ, "It's pretty nice…I guess."

The walls and floor were made of a thick, maroon coloured wood and an ugly rectangular carpet covered the floor of the main room. There were pieces of furniture from the cabin series all over the house. The living room consisted of two couches, a coffee table, a fireplace and an old TV. The kitchen was literally attached to the living room, featuring a single small table, a counter top, a stove and an old fridge. There was a small hallway that lead to a bathroom and two bedrooms.

"Where do we sleep?" asked Poncho.

"I'm sleeping on the couch," replied Snake, "The other two bedrooms have bunk beds, so we should all be fine!"

"Sweet Jesus!" said Curt, excitedly, "Bunk beds? I'm getting top for sure!"

"Good," said Alfonso, "I would like to take top as well, since I am paranoid that if I take bottom, I will be crushed to death should the top break off and fall."

"That won't happen!" assured Snake, "The beds may be old, but they're perfectly safe!"

"Whatever," said CJ, "I'll take bottom or top. I don't care! Now, what do we say we all have a bite?"

"Sure!" said Poncho, "Just…What the?"

"Oh God!" yelled Alfonso, "Is that what I think it is?"

"A cockroach!" said Curt, "Ewww! Somebody squish it!"

"Holy crap!" said CJ, "There's more of 'em!"

"AAAAAH!" yelled Alfonso, "WE'RE SWARMED!"

"I guess that's what happens when you leave a house unattended for too long" said Snake, "Oh, well. Time to squish some bugs, boys!"

The men ran around the house, stomping any roach they found. Snake pulled back his couch, revealing two of the little fuckers. He immediately stomped one of them. The other one, however, managed to get away, forcing Snake to chase him around the living room.

Meanwhile, Alfonso lifted the lamp off the dresser revealing more roaches.

"EEEEEEK!" he screamed.

Alfonso pulled off his shoe and used it to squish them. He then wiped his dirty shoe against the dresser.

Curt and CJ worked together to squish all the roaches hiding in the kitchen, while Poncho moved the beds around and killed the roaches hiding under them.

After several minutes of frantically running about, all of the roaches were dead. The gang slumped onto the couches in the living room, completely exhausted.

"Damn," gasped CJ, "That was intense."

"We did great though," said Curt, "I guess we don't need any stupid repellant! Ha!"

"Sorry about this, guys," said Snake, "I guess I should've taken better care of this old place. I promise that this trip will get better from here on out, though!"

"How about we watch some television?" asked Alfonso.

"Good idea," said Snake, as he turned on the television set, "Let's see what's on…"

As Snake changed channels, all he could see was static.

"It needs to be on channel 3!" yelled Poncho.

"Fix the antennae!" said Curt.

"Baaah!" said Snake, angrily, "It's hopeless! There's just no signal!"

"We could still watch some movies," said Curt, "I brought some DVD's!"

"Yeah," said Snake, "That's perfect! We'll all just sit around, get drunk, and enjoy whatever entertainment Curt brought!"

"Speaking of which," said Poncho, "Where is the booze? I didn't carry it in, so I assumed one of you did."

"I didn't bring it in," said Curt, "I thought CJ had it!"

"I didn't…" said CJ.

The guys all stared at each other. They then ran outside to CJ's car.

"It's not in the trunk!" said CJ.

"So that means," began Curt, "We…Forgot the booze?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Poncho as he fell to his knees.

"There is something seriously wrong with this place," said Sakura as she looked around.

Lindsay and Sakura had just entered a very dirty and dilapidated town. It much larger than Hell, but every structure seemed to be falling apart. The streets were riddled with potholes and garbage filled the sidewalks. Several shady-looking people stared at Lindsay and Sakura as they drove by.

"According to the GPS," said Lindsay, "We're in a town called Boondox…I've never been here before though."

"I don't like the look of this place," said Sakura, "We better get out here fast."

While stopped at a red light, a shaggy-looking dog wearing a long, tattered trench coat approached them with a squeegee in his hand.

"It's okay," said Lindsay, "My window's clean…You don't have to!"

"Please?" said the man, "I needs some change to buy some lunch!"

The man began cleaning her window anyways.

"Ew!" said Lindsay.

"Buzz, off asshole!" snapped Sakura.

Once the man was done, he stepped aside, expecting to be paid. However, when the light turned green, Lindsay stepped on the gas and left the man behind.

"I swear," said Sakura, "You have to pay those guys not to clean your windows!"

After a few minutes of driving, Lindsay stopped in front of a café.

"Here," said Lindsay, "You said you needed to use the bathroom?"

"Sure," said Sakura, "I promise I'll hurry up!"

"I actually have to go too," said Lindsay

"Good," said Sakura, "I was kinda scared going in that place alone!"

The two girls walked inside the café, which was, predictably, very run-down and dirty. The windows were cracked and broken as if people had thrown rocks at them. There were a few patrons inside and they stared at the girls as they made their way to the back room. One man even slapped Sakura's ass on the way to the bathroom. Sakura angrily turned and saw the man smiling at her.

"Let it go," whispered Lindsay.

A few minutes later, the girls were done and they quickly left the café.

"Glad to be out," said Lindsay.

"I know," said Sakura, "Now, let's…"

Sakura and Lindsay stared in shock. Lindsay's car had been stripped of all of its tires, and the front window had been broken and the GPS stolen.

"My…My car," sobbed Lindsay, "Who did this?"

"Now, I really don't like this place..." muttered Sakura.

To be Continued...