Disclaimer: Twilight is the sole possession of Stephenie Meyer and I do not profit monetarily from this piece of writing.
*** Chapter 21 – Guilt ***
Funerals were made for rainy days, black umbrellas slick with the tears of heaven mourning life lived and lost, poured out on the ones left behind.
Alice's funeral took place on a sunny afternoon, with clouds lazily drifting through a brilliant blue sky, the air littered with casual conversations shared between birds on branches.
It seemed wrong….life carrying on without even slowing down for a passing glance.
It seemed fitting….very few miss misery when it makes a final exit.
And yet, Jasper felt compelled to hold a service and his family, feeling that now was not the time to question his actions or try and make him see sense, went along with it. Now, they stood in small huddled mass clothed in black that was quickly absorbing the sun's heat. No one cried, but the weight of pity and regret mingled with the air and left everyone speechless except for the funeral home worker and a priest who gave a polite and generic eulogy before closing the brief graveside service.
"…And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen."
Jasper caught the last line of the 23rd Psalm leave the priest's lips and wondered if there was any truth to the scripture. Alice, the woman who'd lived years focused on selfish, vain indulgences. Alice, the woman who walked away from her child in order to continue living a life focused on herself, now inhabiting a room in heaven? Surely not, but then again, maybe God had more grace and forgiveness than Jasper gave him credit for.
Standing next to a coffin waiting to be lowered into the ground, it was easier to feel a certain measure of sadness that Alice's life had come to an end. He could create fanciful imaginings that she would have come to a point where she realized how wrongly she had treated everyone and would decide to make a change for the better. Of course, there was no guarantee any of those day dreams would have ever come true, but when a person dies, you get to imagine how great it could have been and they can't disappoint. They're dead.
He stared at the reflection of the afternoon sky, sliding across the glossy black surface of the casket without blinking, until his eyes were dry and stinging, forcing him to close his lids, to pull back from internal musings and turn to follow his family who'd already started their walk back to the small gathering of vehicles parked on the road.
The rest of them may have been able to ignore the man standing some ways apart from the rest of the group, but Jasper couldn't, and so he made his way over to where James was standing next to a tree, using the overhanging branches and massive trunk as a shelter from the others.
For a moment Jasper just stood, looking at James' weary face, the paleness of his kin making dark hair seem even blacker. It was obvious Alice's only sibling was uncomfortable being there, and even though Jasper was at a loss as to what the right words were to say, he managed a quiet, "Thank you."
James scoffed at Jasper's offer of gratitude, seeking clarification, "For what?"
"For signing the papers, for coming here today."
"Yeah, well, one last goodbye before I leave town," was all the man offered as to why he was standing awkwardly in a cemetery, looking hung over and exhausted.
Surprised, Jasper questioned, "You're moving?"
"Long past overdue, man," James ran his hand through his hair, ducking from Jasper's watchful face, causing his hair to stick up in a million directions. Jasper wondered whether Jax would have the same unruly mane as he grew up.
"There's nothing for me here. Even if Alice had returned home to try and settle down, we were never connected with each other the way brothers and sisters are supposed to be. It was always about looking out for ourselves," James explained, "So, I'm looking after myself and moving on. Gotta take the chance that there's something better out there."
Jasper nodded and offered his hand causing James to stare at it as if it were a foreign, diseased object before pulling it back in and saying, "Well, take care of yourself."
"Yeah, you do the same," and turning to head towards a pickup truck loaded up with various personal items, he spoke loud enough for Jasper to hear, "And take care of my nephew too. Make sure he's got it better than we did, yeah?"
Jasper would have answered that he was going to try, would have asked if James wanted to keep in touch, but the stride of the man's steps and the refusal to look back let Jasper know that life in the small town where Alice and James had grown up was coming to a close. He doubted he'd ever see James again.
Walking away from Alice's gravesite, Jasper realized that the rest of his family had left, and the only one remaining was Bella. When he got close enough that she could talk without raising her voice, she explained, "The family thought you might need a break, so they took Jackson with them. I thought you might want to just go for a drive."
Nodding his head without speaking, finding that he really didn't have words that held any worth, so he'd rather just be silent, Jasper climbed in the passenger seat and let Bella pick their path. At some point, she called the local Chinese restaurant and ordered take out. She parked and got out of the car to get the food. She even put away the left-overs when they had finished eating.
Jasper was on autopilot and all she could do was occupy the same space, hoping that with the rising of the sun, he'd wake up from his stupor and life could take a step forward.
Laying side by side in their bed that night, they both stared at the ceiling, neither able to find rest. When Jasper finally broke the silence, Bella startled slightly, the sound registering louder than it should have, magnified by the lack of contact between the two.
"I don't think I can take Alice's name off his birth certificate."
Bella chewed on her lip, her hands trying to keep from fisting in the blankets as she took a deep breath and whispered, "Okay."
"I know you're his mother. There isn't anyone that loves Jackson more than you do, and I know we had always intended to leave Alice behind, but now? I just feel like I'm erasing her as if she never existed if I do that, and I don't know, given she's already gone, I just…..I just can't."
"Okay."
"Okay."
There were more words that needed to be said. Thoughts and emotions that needed to be brought to the surface, but instead, they ignored them, the silence returning like a wave to the shore. Bella let it pull her under as she curled onto her side, forcing her eyes closed, urgently willing time to pass and this day to become a memory.
And for awhile, it felt like Jasper was trying to get back to the way it was before a bomb had been dropped in the middle of their lives.
But not every piece of shrapnel is easily located, and sometimes, the unseen wound becomes infected, turning the blood toxic, a silent poison.
Soon, there were reasons why Jasper needed to stay late and work on a project, needing to concentrate on his work away from the noise of Bella and Jackson. Bella would take a breath, remind herself that it had only been a few days and everything was so fresh in Jasper's mind, but days became weeks until a month had passed and somewhere along the way, Jasper started passing out on the office couch instead of coming home.
Bella would wake up to an empty bed and a hurting heart, but she would put on a brave face for the chubby cheeked smile that waited for her every morning. Jax would lift his little arms and together they would snuggle up with a warm bottle in the early morning light, and for a moment, Bella could pretend that they were still whole and not breaking apart at the seams.
Bella stuck with pretending and wishful thinking.
Rosalie chose anger and lashing out.
"What the hell is he thinking, probably turning into some drunk, leaving Bella to take care of Jackson all by herself! I can't begin to comprehend what is going on in his head, Emmett, but I have had enough of Jasper fucking up his life. Not this time! I let him walk out years ago, but we are not doing this again!" Rosalie ranted, her voice climbing in volume as she stomped through the house looking for her purse and keys while Emmett held their daughter, silently praying their child wouldn't have quite the same fire as her mother lest they never survive the teenage years with both females under one roof.
"Sweetheart," Emmett gently called after Rosalie as she headed for their room, "It's almost time for Evie to go to bed, babe. Where are you going?"
"I'm putting a stop to this before he ruins everything," she replied as if it were the most obvious answer.
"Oookkaayyy….and what if he doesn't want to listen, Rose?"
"Not an option."
Emmett caught a flash of blonde hair heading towards the garage and looked down at his daughter who was drooling around the two tiny teeth that had started to come in just that week, "Yeah, I think we'll just sit this one out, safer here for the two of us."
Evie cooed in response as her father carried her off to the nursery to indulge in a little daddy-daughter story time before bed.
When Rosalie arrived at the company's main office, it took her awhile to locate her brother because it appeared the entire building was dark. But his car was here, so he must be as well. She made her way through quiet hallways until she found him sitting at desk with just a small lamp lit, barely pushing out any light into the space from its miniscule 50 watt bulb.
Jasper's face held unshaved stubble, his clothes were wrinkled and his eyes were sunken into purple bruised hollows that had formed from lack of sleep. There was a glass half full of what appeared to be bourbon, but it also appeared that, even though it was dark outside, he'd only poured the one glass. He wasn't passed out. He was a mess, but he didn't stink to high heaven of alcohol like he did the first day he'd showed up on their doorstep so many months ago.
"Well, I had a complete arsenal of yelling ready to go," Rosalie interrupted Jasper's vacant stare at the window and the night sky beyond it, and she saw the flicker of life in his eyes but he didn't turn to look at her, "Figured you'd be drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle, but honestly Jazz, you just look miserable and somewhat pathetic. I can't find it in me to raise my voice even the littlest bit."
She crossed her arms and waited for him to disagree, to fight back, but he only muttered,
"I can't do it."
Curious as to what he could be referred to, she questioned, "Can't do what?"
"I can't pour one shot after another. Every night, I sit here beside a bottle of whatever poison I decide might do the trick, might help me find some rest, but I can never get the job done," Jasper picked up the glass and stared at the contents, swirling them around, "I don't know, doesn't taste right or something. I just can't."
"Well….that's a good thing isn't it?"
"Can't go home either, cause that doesn't feel right. So, I just sit here, searching for the answers that never come…"
"What question are you trying to answer?"
"What am I supposed to do now?"
Rosalie resisted rolling her eyes because his voice actually sounded sincere, as if he were lost as to what to do with his life, but honestly, she was pissed that he'd allow Alice to derail things once more.
"Jasper Hale," and still he stared at that damnable window, "Jasper, look at me!"
She smacked her hand on the desk and he let those blue eyes that matched her own slide towards her, but there wasn't any care to be found over what she might possibly have to say.
"What are you supposed to do now?" She looked from one eye to the other, trying to get him to pay attention, "You go home to Bella. You hold your baby boy in your arms and you thank God that it's not you in that grave. You get married and you finish school and you be the best dad you can be and you choose to live before life moves on without you."
Picking up the glass again, Jasper sniffed the contents but refused to meet her eyes when he shrugged and said, "You make it sound so easy."
"It may not feel that way today, but it might be better tomorrow, and even better the day after that, but you owe it to your family, the one waiting for you in that little house across town, to find out," Rosalie tried to encourage him to grab hold of her words, to try when she pulled a small album from her shoulder bag, "Here, I thought you should see this."
Jasper didn't see anything amazing about what Rose had handed over, but when he opened the book, he was pierced by a picture of a healthy and alive Alice, one with a smile that was beautiful but really just a façade, a mask he knew well. He flipped the page quickly to get away from what felt like an accusing stare only to find another picture of her, and each page after that held more. There was even one of James and a couple that appeared to be out of their high school yearbook of Alice and Jasper together, Alice always leading the way and Jasper always following behind.
"What is this? Why would you put together a picture album full of Alice? You hated her, Rose."
Arching an eyebrow, Rosalie answered, "I didn't do this. Bella did."
"Bella? Why?"
Leaning forward to place her hands on the desk top and meeting his gaze, she gently explained, "For Jackson. Bella's spent her evenings alone trying to find every photo she can of Alice and put them in an album before they all disappear because she wanted Jackson to be able to see the woman who gave birth to him. When he gets older of course, but she wanted him to have some answers should he have questions."
Jasper looked at the album, the gift that Bella had made for their son, the way it represented such grace and kindness, far beyond any he felt he would have been capable of. His heart ached that she'd done this alone, that he'd left her to pick up the pieces alone, and his eyes burned with the salty mixture of tears.
Rosalie watched them make their way across Jasper's pained expression and whispered, "Go home, Jazz. Take the first step. Go home."
She didn't bother to pick up the album or to wait and see if he would make the right choice, instead Rosalie turned and made her way back through the office and out into the night.
A/N: We could address the elephant in the room now which would be that I dropped this story last year and haven't updated for months. You could be grumpy with me for committing such a heinous crime; in fact, you could possibly not even make it to the bottom of this chapter because you've given up on BB completely. I'm sorry, BB just slipped from my fingers, and I couldn't force myself to write another chapter. Lame, yes, but true. So, if you've returned to read, I thank you for such kind graciousness. You are lovely and I don't deserve such sweet readers. I'm going to try and do better. XOXO-G