When I get home I lay down in my bed, still fully clothed and emotionally exhausted. Using the deafening silence alone to actually sort out how I feel about everything. I'm liberal, very liberal and I always told myself before now that if I ever got pregnant before I was ready I'd have no problem getting an abortion. But laying here, stroking my still flat stomach with what could be a baby that Billy and I created, the idea seems not only ludicrous but incredibly sad. I couldn't.
If it had been anyone else, maybe a one night stand or just someone I regretted sleeping with I could do it. But even if Billy doesn't stick around, to know that I love him and we made this child is too much to bear and go through with snuffing out. And there soon after I make the decision my mind begins to race and wonder about what gender the baby would be, whose eyes they'd have and praying for it to have his eyes or his smile. Then I wonder if things like that will become an ugly reminder of him. Because at this point I have no doubt in my mind that he's not going to stay with me. Like all those other disillusioned single mothers would I grow old resenting those eyes and that charming smile our child could possibly inherit? These are the thoughts that lull me to sleep. It's only temporary though. My phone buzzes once and I chose to ignore it, but when it continues buzzing I have no choice but to sit up and answer.
When I see his face on the screen I gulp and my heart beats faster.
"H-hello, hey, hi baby," I already know I sound like I'm over compensating.
"Come outside, I need t'talk t'ya," his tone is short and trite.
"You're here now?" I ask, my voice up by several octaves.
"Hurry up." He hangs up.
I swallow a lump in my throat and clear it. He knows. He knows…but how? He can't know, I haven't said anything to Tia. He doesn't know. He doesn't. He doesn't know and you're fine. I chant this all the way down stairs, scared out of my mind as to why he'd been so short with me. Not to mention the impromptu visit.
And as expected he's parked right in front. The car is off and he's waiting inside, staring at me until I reached the door and let myself in. He continued to stare at me, a blank look in his eyes as I get settled in the car with him. When I lean over to kiss him he backs away. His eyes still on mine and I know for sure he's pissed.
"What's the matter?" I ask reaching out to put my hand on his cheek. He turns his head away again, dodging my touch and glaring harder at me.
"Stop it," he grunts clenching his jaw tightly.
"Why can't I touch you?" I ask meekly, staying on my side of the car with my hands in my lap and my eyes studying them.
"Ya got something ya wanna tell m- Look at me."
I shake my head no, to both his question and request.
"Reese." He says my name the way a parent does their kid, no leniency, expecting nothing but obedience and submission. But I'm more scared that I'll break down and cry, admitting everything than I am of his stern voice.
"Now." He snaps.
I flinch from his tone, I'd only really heard him use that voice with his flunkies. I didn't like it one bit then and dreaded the idea of him speaking to me that way. Slowly, under his watchful gaze I lift my head so we're face to face.
His voice is sharp and precise, his eyes are boring into mine with no relent in sight and I literally could've peed myself. Instinctively I lean away from him so my back is against the car door.
"Ya got somethin' t'tell me?"
My heart pounds harder and it's the only other thing I can hear. I rub my sweaty palms together and take a deep, deep breath.
"Uh, I just…well, no. I'm-I have a doctor's appointment t-tomorrow so…" I trail off.
His intense stare doesn't falter.
"I'm only gonna ask ya one more time, Reese."
"What?!" I snap in aggravation.
His eyelids form into slits and I try hard not to hop out the window and run to my room, cowering under my bed.
"Is there somethin' ya need t'fuckin' tell me?"
A shiver grips my spine and I freeze.
"N-no I mean, what is it? You obviously know what it is, why don't you tell me?"
"Because you're gonna tell me right now." He retorts smartly, he blinks and I swear it's the first time he's done so since I got in here.
We stare at each other in silence for a long time before I shrug, "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Fine, get the fuck out if ya not gonna tell me, then call me when ya stop bein' a pussy."
I cock my head back, he's never ever talked to me like that.
"Excuse you?" I spit raising a brow as he turns his body to face the wheel.
"Ya not fuckin' deaf, I said get out my fuckin' cah if you don't have shit t'say."
"Tell me what it is Billy, just tell me! Stop playing games!" at the same time I'm yelling he's saying over and over in a bored uninterested voice.
"Get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out."
I get angrier by the minute and before I can stop myself I scream.
"Fuck you! I may be pregnant!"
The car is dead silent. Billy's staring at me with I don't know what emotion because I refuse to look at him. I turn to face forward and try to keep my angry tears at bay. I fail and a tear or two roll down my face. I wipe them away with the back of my hands and wait for him to say something.
"The fuck you mean may be?"
I don't look at him but drop my head as more tears rush from my eyes. I sniffle and wipe them away roughly before turning my head away from him toward the window.
"I don't know for sure, I find out tomorrow at the appointment."
"You lyin' t'me?"
"No, I-I didn't want to tell you until I kn-knew for sure. How did you find out?"
"Ya mother fuckin' told me ya were."
My eyes go wide and I feel my stomach sink even further. I want to throw up right now. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"What? How does she…she knows?"
Billy doesn't say anything but I sit there actually coming to terms with the fact that he knows I may be pregnant and my mother knows who he is. I drop my head back against the headrest and take long labored breaths. I can't decide if I'm happy to not have to keep secrets any more or universally screwed. Fuck.
"I shoulda been the first person ya fuckin' told Reese," he grunts at me.
I stare out the window, not speaking, listening to him but unable to form any type of response.
"Why? To give you a head start on leaving?"
"You think I'd fuckin' do that?" he asks, his voice still dangerously low.
"Don't even act like you haven't thought about it Billy," I sigh shaking my head.
His silence yet again affirms my beliefs.
"Look, you can do what you want regardless of what happens tomorrow."
I grab the handle and let myself out quickly before more tears came. I hear him call out to me but keep moving until I get inside my building. When I reach the first floor I hear him burst through the door.
"Reese." He growls.
I keep walking and stop only when he grabs my hand to make me.
"I aint goin' nowhere."
"Not right now you're not," I reply turning my head away from his, "I'm not asking you to do anything you don't want to do Billy."
"You don't want me to stay?" he asks.
I finally look at him, glaring in his direction, "Of course I do! But I'm being realistic, I can't sit here and hope and pray that you won't leave whenever shit gets too heavy. You have that option, I don't."
He furrows his brows, "What makes ya think I have that fuckin' option?" he asks roughly, moving up a step so we're both at the same height.
"Ya think I ca'just walk away from ya so easy?"
I shrug, "Before this no, but this isn't just me you'd be walking away from if that test is positive tomorrow."
"And I aint goin' nowhere. If…if ya are…" his eyes trail to my stomach and he looks truly terrified, as terrified as I am, "Then ya both mine, my responsibility, not ya mother and not anybody fuckin' else"
My bones remain frozen and I can't say or do anything but stare at him. Who is this man? We stare at each other for a while before I smile a little and more tears rush from my eyes. I bite my lip and look down at my shoes.
"You mean that?"
He puts his hand against my cheek and a comfort not even my mother was able to provide captures me.
"'Course I do, I'm not goin' anywhere." He pets my face despite my tears and leans forward to place a soft kiss to my lips.
I wrap my arms around him and lean into him, kissing him deeper.
"I love you so much Billy," I whisper against his mouth.
Sucking on my lips again he pulls me into his chest and grips right under my butt before hoisting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and let him walk us up the steps to the second floor. Up against a wall he continues to kiss me fervently.
"Whose inside?" he asks
I shake my head, "No one, Jase's at school…ma's at work."
Grumbling in satisfaction he lifts me again and carries me up the next flight of steps, inside my apartment where he kicked the door shut and locked it. In my bedroom he carefully drops me on the bed, hovering over me, his eyes trailing all over my face. It's then that I pay attention to the smell of JD on his breath. I place my hands on each side of his head and ask.
"You drunk?"
"A little." He retorts with an adorable smile.
"You promise you meant all that, it's not just the booze talking?" I ask.
He shakes his head no impossibly fast, "S'exactly what I told ya mom when she tried to scare me away earlier today."
"She did what?" I snap as my eyebrows crease.
"She did what a mom should do, it's a'right baby." He kisses me softly continues to say, "Ya lucky."
"How's that? She's can be such a bitch."
"No. She's not. She found out ya been fuckin' a drug dealer an' might be pregnant by 'im. She just wanted t'protect ya, I respect that."
"But-"
"No buts, and don't call ya ma a bitch no more."
I can tell this means more to him than just me calling her a bitch. It's all about his respect for her and women like her, including his mother. After a defiant moment I nod.
"Okay. But we should talk about some-" he buries his face in my neck, scattering kisses there on down, "things to tahh-alk about Billy-stop," I whimper when he bites my skin and sucks on it.
"Not right now Reese, we ca'talk after, arright?"
I can't help but giggle and ask, "After what?"
He doesn't reply but sits up on his knees and undoes his belt and jeans. Biting my lip I sit up as well and lift my shirt off, watching as Billy stood up to take off his pants. When I start sliding out of my pajama shorts he lifts his shirt over his head. He leans back on the bed, walking on his knees until he's right in front of me. Sitting back on his haunches he nods his head at me.
"C'mere."
I crawl forward and move into his lap. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me deeply, gripping me tightly in an embrace, urging me to do the same to him. His skin feels so good against mine I don't even care if we don't have sex. I just hold on and try to keep myself from crying again. But I want to feel him even closer. Reaching between us I feel his hardening dick and start to rub him teasingly, playing with his head and tugging every few seconds.
He moans against my mouth and moves away, trailing his kisses down my neck and to my chest as he lifts me up a bit higher to reach my breast. He flicks his tongue against my nipple and goes straight to sucking on it, making me shake in his arms.
Leaning my head back I sigh and it turns to a moan the longer I do. He grunts and starts to grind his dick against my lips. Before he can slide in I push him away and shake my head.
"What?" he grouses, his eyes dazed and annoyed.
"Condom." I reply turning around on my knees so I can grab one from my night stand. I'd rather be safe given the chance that I could very well not be pregnant. Wouldn't that be something, if I wasn't and got pregnant thinking that it was okay to fuck raw because I thought I was?
Once I have it and before I can turn to give it to him Billy grabs my hips and slams his pelvis against my ass. "Stay there," he sighs snatching the condom from my hand and putting it on in record time. He pushes down on my back and I arch for him the way he likes. He slides the head of his dick against my folds and between them, tickling me when he moved it from side to side and in circles.
"Fuuuck," I whimper rolling my hips forward and back for a little more friction.
"Tell me what you want baby." He moves his thumb between my legs and rubs my clit around and around.
"Unh" I moan rolling my hips around in sync with his thumb.
"What?" he asks swatting at my ass with his free hand. I jolt forward then move back again wanting more. He grunts and does it again, harder.
"Ah! Fuck me!"
"No." he says suddenly.
I look over my shoulder and open my mouth to speak, "Billy."
"Turn around," he says with a smile on his face. When I lay down he moves down again between my legs, wrapping them around his waist.
"That was for not telling me," he says not hesitating and sliding home.
His eyes flutter shut and mine go wide. Laying so we're chest to chest he keeps his face above mine. I move my legs back farther and push up into his thrusts.
"Shit," I cry out.
He continues his slow pace, looking me in the eyes the entire time.
"Faster," I pant putting my hands on his waist and urging him to move faster.
Relenting with one hard thrust he grasps both my hands and holds them above my head with both of his. With his forehead against mine he thrusts all the way in once and holds himself there, grinding up and down inside me. My jaw drops and I moan out loud.
"Fuck, yes Billy."
"I aint goin' nowhere Reese, ya here me?"
He goes back to long strokes, digging deeper inside whenever he bottomed. I could already feel my release growing as I got wetter and wetter by the minute.
"Yea I-I, h-oh god, oh fuck."
"Yea what?" he grunts kissing me quickly.
"I know, I know." I repeat looking him in the eyes.
He's satisfied and lets me know it by thrusting just a bit harder and faster. He lets go of my hands and the bed starts to rock back and forth beneath our weight as he grasps the underside of my knees. He forces my legs back and hooks them over his forearms, allowing him to go deeper.
My eyes roll behind my head and I close my eyes before he can see them go cross.
"Please don't stop."
"I'll never leave ya baby." He moans, his face contorting in pleasure as he spoke and rubbed his lips against mine, "Ahh fuck. Reese, look at me."
I open my eyes and force them to stay open when our eyes meet again. Not to mention his words are almost too much to bare. I wanted to cry again.
"Me neither," I say then kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck I don't break our gaze as I whisper, "I love you."
I know those words do something to him every single time I say it. The look on his face gives it all away. How big his smile got and how incredibly light his eyes were as well. So carefree and happy. He starts to move faster burying his face in my neck now and moving his hands to cup my cheeks.
"Ahh! Mmnh-nnh!" I moan even louder, digging my nails into his back as I feel myself about to explode.
"Yes, yes, yes!" I cry dropping my head on his shoulder, placing kisses up the side of his neck, "Harder!"
He gives me exactly what I need and a second later I come, my legs are quivering and I scream so loud I think the neighbors might have heard. Billy lifts back up so he can see me and attacks my lips with a sloppy kiss, groaning as he moved harder and faster. His entire body tenses and he lets go, his face pressed against mine as he pants trying to catch his breath. He remains on top of me caught up in the bliss that follows sex. I hold him in my arms, stroking his back and kissing him every so often until he got up enough strength to sit up and look at me again.
I smile when he moves hair off my face and rubs my lips with his fingers. He seems nervous but smirks and keeps his eyes on me when he opens his mouth to speak. He doesn't say anything but closes his mouth again and shuts his eyes.
"What's the matter?" I whisper pecking his unresponsive lips softly. And then he says it.
"I love ya."
"What?" I reply immediately.
"I said I love you," he chuckles kissing me again, "And if you're havin' my baby then I'll love it too. Ok?"
I can't hold it in any longer, tears pour down my face which I resolve by covering it immediately.
"Ah come on, don't cry," he laughs trying to pry my hands away but I shake my head no and continue crying.
My shoulders shake as I sob uncontrollably.
"I-I'm sorry," I stutter shaking my head again, "I'm sorry, you just, you're not kidding are you? Or-or just saying it because you think it's what I want to hear?" I ask somewhat rhetorically, removing my hands to look at his face.
Billy shakes his head, "I was pissed at first an' I don't even want kids but…I just kept thinkin' 'bout a little girl like ya an'…" he trails off.
"'Sides, how often I say shit because I think it's what you wanna hear?"
"What are you saying Billy?" I ask.
He sits up and moves back on his haunches, his eyes focused elsewhere in my room.
"If…if ya pregnant then I don't want ya t'get rid of it."
My eyes go wide and I cock my head back, "Huh?"
"I…fuck," he grunts, "I just keep thinkin' about a kid that looks like ya an' gettin' rid of it..."
I stare at him in complete awe, for him to be saying the same exact thing I've been thinking is not only scary but fucking amazing. The only thing left to do is make sure he knows exactly what this all entails.
"Billy, you understand what that means don't you? We'd be responsible for a life."
"I know that a'right." He brushes his hand over his head and keeps his eyes away from mine still.
"Like actually be there all the time, changing diapers, late nights, no sleep, getting a real job."
"I been thinkin' about this shit all night Reese,"
"And you've come to the decision that you love me enough to stay and have a baby with me?"
He puts up a hand, "If ya not pregnant don't think I won't be happy about that for a second, but if ya are then…then it's up to you."
I can't help but smile, "And if I don't want to get rid of it?"
I notice his smile despite his down turned face, how it grew at the idea.
"Then we're havin' a kid."
I don' move or speak just sit there grinning at him like an idiot. I launch myself in his arms and hug him tight and close for several minutes. He holds me back, placing a kiss on my shoulder.
"You love me?" I murmur against his neck.
"Yea," He gruffs, "Ya didn't give me much of a fuckin' choice."
I smile harder and squeeze my eyes tightly as I do, "say it please, just one more time and I won't ask again."
He leans back and puts both hands on either side of my head as our gazes lock. His blue eyes don't falter an inch, licks over his pretty lips and says slowly, "I love you."