Chapter 21

Maura picked at her lunch. She was, as usual, trying to get as much down as she could, for Jane's sake. She found that having food in her stomach did not make her feel sick, but it was still hard to get it down with no appetite. Jane was pacing around the kitchen, texting someone and looking agitated.

"I got my period this morning," Maura announced.

"Good," said Jane, still distracted.

Maura frowned. "Did you even hear me? Because that was kind of a big deal. I don't have to worry about being pregnant anymore. You were right."

Jane looked up and smiled. "That is good news. Didn't I tell you not to worry?"

Maura smiled back. "I'm very relieved. Although it really did make me think about what it would be like to have a baby under better circumstances. Do you think we should, someday?"

Jane was looking at her phone again and clearly not paying attention. "Yeah sure, if you want."

"Who are you texting?" Maura asked her.

"Just Frost."

"Is he telling you about a case? What are they working on?"

"He's been updating me about cases since I've been gone." She put down the phone. "Are you eating?"

"Yes." Maura dutifully took another bite. She watched Jane stealing glances at her phone, still looking angry. The poor thing had to be going stir crazy by now. They had been off work for nearly a month, which seemed reasonable for Maura, whose scalpel hand was still in a cast, but less so for Jane, who was perfectly healthy.

"Maybe it's time for you to go back to work," Maura suggested. "I can tell you want to, and I'll be okay."

"What? No! I can't just leave you here alone! What if you need to open a jar or something?"

Maura smiled. "Why would I need to open a jar while you're gone?"

"Or what if you have a flashback, and you need someone to call you back to the present?"

"Jane," Maura said softly, "I might have those for the rest of my life. We can't plan around them forever."

"They won't always be as frequent, or as intense. I'm not leaving you. I'll go back when you go back. Besides, we're going to Costa Rica soon. It wouldn't make sense to start working and then leave to go on vacation right away."

"You could fit in two full weeks of work before we go to Costa Rica. I can't work until we get back, and that's if they approve me for light duty while I'm getting the strength back in my wrist. Jane, I really think it would be good for you to get back out in the world and do the job you love. I'll be okay, and you can still check on me during the day. If I really needed you, I'm sure Korsak and the others would let you go. And then in the evening you can come home and tell me about what you did all day. You can't do that right now. I already know what you did all day. I was there."

Jane looked like she was really considering it. Maura was glad; she knew she'd get lonely being in the house by herself, but she hated knowing she was keeping Jane from doing what she loved most.

Suddenly Jane's face darkened, and she shook her head. "I can't, Maura. Maybe you're ready, but I'm not. I'll go back to work when you go."

Maura's heart sank. "But Jane, there's nothing wrong with you, and you love being a cop—"

"What I love is knowing you're safe. I went through something too, remember? I know three days doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but it was an eternity for me. I didn't know if I would ever see you again. I felt so helpless knowing what was happening to you and not being able to stop it. And then I got that letter, saying you were calling my name. I know you were drugged and you didn't understand that I couldn't hear you, but I can't get that out of my head. You called for me, and I didn't come."

"But you did come," Maura pointed out, her voice quiet. "You came because I called for you. That was why he sent the letter."

"That's just it." Jane was pacing again. "In the end, that was what saved you. It wasn't me or Frost or any of the good guys. You're here now because he got greedy and decided to take me as well. I didn't protect you, and I didn't save you, but I will be damned if I let anyone else touch you as long as I live."

She paused, her eyes meeting Maura's, and that was when something clicked in Maura's head.

"There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?"

Jane looked away.

"Jane." Maura felt cold dread spreading through her chest. "Please tell me."

"It's better if you don't know."

Maura tried to keep her voice steady. "How am I ever going to feel safe if I know you won't tell me when there's a problem?"

Jane gave her an agonized look. "The man who hurt you, at one time, was working with another man. Then he was apparently inactive for several years, and then he started again, on his own, doing things his own way. But the guy he used to work with is still out there killing people, and they appear to have still been in contact when I killed Nielson, although we can't tell if they were still friends or if they had become enemies. Since we don't know, we're going on the assumption that the surviving killer might target me for killing Nielson, or possibly even you for being the victim that got away. We've had a squad car down the block ever since you got home, and I can't leave you for long periods of time, because that officer is just the backup. I'm the one guarding you."

Maura tried to remember her breathing techniques, but she was drawing a blank. Her breath came faster and faster. She had been calming herself for weeks now by telling herself that she was safe, that the man who took her couldn't hurt her or even think about her anymore. But she wasn't really safe. Everyone had just been letting her think that because they knew she couldn't cope with the truth.

"Maura…" Jane's voice was gentle. "This is why I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to be scared when you're trying to get well."

Maura started to cry. "What does he do?"

"What do you mean?"

"The other killer. What does he do to his victims?"

Jane hesitated. "He rapes them and then strangles them."

"Does he drug them?"

"No. He…he doesn't keep them. He kills them after the first time. Why?"

"I just want to know what to expect if he...if he does find me."

"Oh, Maura." Jane came around the counter and took Maura in her arms. "He's not going to find you. They're working very hard on this case, and Frost was just texting me that they just found another victim from the other killer, in Connecticut. He's not even in Boston, and he's made no effort to contact us, so he probably doesn't even want to find you. But if he did, there's no way in hell any of us are going to let anything happen to you."

Maura heard the logic in her words, but all she could think was, it's going to happen again, and this time I'll be fully aware while it's happening.

"I can't do it again," she told Jane. "I can't. This time he would have to kill me, because I can't live through it again. I won't."

"Maura, don't say that." Jane bent down to Maura's eye level. "He will not lay a finger on you. It's not like before. We're all coming together to protect you this time, like we should have done in the first place."

"You're sure it's enough?"

"We've got good locks on the doors, I've got my gun, we've got backup outside, Ma is looking out for you. If it makes you feel any safer, I can add another layer of protection. I can make Frankie start sleeping on our couch. Then you'll have two cops in the house, and one outside. I'm his big sister; I can bully him into anything."

Maura didn't know how to answer. She felt like all the progress she'd made in the past month had just come undone. All of her efforts to ground herself, to work through her feelings, to be intimate with Jane again, to eat—all of it was for nothing if she had to go through the same experience again in the future. She couldn't, especially not so soon. She didn't think she would come back from it this time. She pulled back from Jane, trembling violently, and looked at the back door, where she had been taken. If one man could find her at home, so could the other one. He might already know where she lived. His friend could have told him. Maybe he was biding his time, waiting for everyone to think it was safe, before he would come and get her.

"Maura, Maura, I'm so sorry." Jane pulled her close again and kissed her head. "I promise we'll keep you safe. No one will hurt you like that again."

"I think I just want to go lie down for a while." Upstairs felt safer than downstairs. She pulled away from Jane, left the remainder of her lunch on the counter, and slowly climbed the stairs, feeling lightheaded. She knew she should be mad at Jane for keeping this secret from her, but she didn't have the energy, and she knew Jane was only trying to protect her. Maybe she was right to do so. After all, Maura had just spent four weeks building up her strength instead of living in fear. But it hurt so much more to have it all come crashing back down again after working so hard. She felt ruined, contaminated, the way she had when she first woke up in the hospital. She got into bed and curled up in a ball.

Jane followed her and sat down on the bed. It was clear from her face that she was crushed by Maura's reaction. That was why Maura couldn't be mad. She felt bad for Jane, really. She'd been trying so hard, and now she was left to pick up the pieces all over again. She had to be the one, because Maura did not have it in her. She was utterly drained.

Jane reached out and ran her fingers through Maura's hair. "Please, Maura," she begged. "Don't go to that place. Focus on what's around you."

But she couldn't. There was no point in grounding herself in reality anymore, because reality wasn't safe either.