Brandon's suicide was a breaking point in my life. After the accident, I was afraid to go back to school. I feared being blamed for his death as much as I feared coming across his parents or other family members. A part of me was also afraid that Kyle, Fabian and Casey probably felt abandoned by their best friend and felt hopeless facing the consequences of their previous actions. However, at the same time, I was glad – I was so glad Brandon was gone. The truth was, I knew I would never feel safe if he was still alive, and no one would be able to help it. I would always expect him to show up at my doorstep and destroy everything I believed in once again. Besides, to me, he did deserve to die. I would not even try to ask myself how many times I wanted to die myself – I should rather ask how many times did I actually want to stay alive? Brandon made suicide my dream – I'd only wished it was easier to do – every time I seemed determined to end my life, I would think of the situation I was in; somehow, I could not make myself go away knowing that I have never experienced anything better than that. Dying without knowing what happiness means is much worse than passing away with a history of beautifully unique situations tied to your heart. And so, as much as it could sound horrible, I was grateful for his death. Some people say the victim might be able to heal, forget or maybe even forgive the offender - I knew I would not. Even if he was in jail, I would still fear he would somehow escape and find me, I would feel his breath on my neck every night and I would look around every time I would go outside the house. In the world without him, I was finally able to breathe.
Nonetheless, in the end, I had to go back to school. Changing the school was not an option – I could not imagine being separated from Hidan. As much as other people's opinion on me was making me feel uneasy, Hidan's support could always make me feel better and his warring attitude could scare people off. At a different school, I would not have it. Besides, A-levels were coming up; maybe Hidan was not too focused on classes but yet he always managed to get a decent grade. His help would surely increase my chances for passing and… and what, exactly? That was the point. It has been ages since our conversation on after-school plans and I still had no idea what I wanted to achieve, where I wanted to go. Of course, I wanted to continue to live with Hidan but I knew I would have to become more independent; to me, it was already indecent not to pay Hidan for living at his place. I knew it needed to change even though the albino never seemed to mind it.
Shortly before the school bell for the first class, everyone slowly filled in te classroom. Brandon's seat was empty, so were Kyle, Fabian and Casey's seats. The remaining trio got convicted and had a suspended sentence imposed on them. The judge decided they were manipulated by Brandon; that was why they avoided the jail. Instead, they ended up with a record that would surely make them unable to find a job in many professions. They had to change the school, too, and got a restraining order against them to stay 100 yards from me.
As we were waiting for the first class, I was wondering whether the teacher would want to arrange a minute of silence for Brandon. I hoped she would not; he obviously did not deserve it but I could never know what other people thought.
"So..." Maria said loudly. "Do you think we will get some new people joining our class? We now have four free places left in this elite lot," she laughed. She changed her hair colour; from pink, she went to dark purple. She was wearing a black jumper, a pair of purple trousers and platform creepers which were probably making her almost as tall as me. She did not have much makeup on, though, thus looking a bit tired.
"Elite group? More like a pathological family with murderous outspring," Jack retorted. He was one of the few people me and Hidan used to go out with a few times. Hidan was always saying he was a decent guy, and they were going go to some local metal concerts together at the time when I was refusing to go anywhere.
"Do you think they will give us, like, a psychologist or something? You know, to deal with the huge trauma of losing a..."
"...dickhead?" Rose, Maria's friend, finished.
"No fucking way, I am not seeing a fucking shrink because of that," one guy protested. "I don't care, he got wat he wanted, I have nothing to do with that," he added defensively, as if seeing a psychologist was one of the worst things that one could experience.
"Calm down, Rory," Maria rolled her eyes. "Does it really matter, anyway? I don't care if they give us someone or not. We don't have rapists in our class anymore and that's what is important to me."
"Can you just please stop?" I mumbled, not sure what to think. "I know Brandon is gone and I know he would have probably been still alive if I hadn't told the police."
"Easy, no one is telling you are responsible for this, okay?" Maria responded promptly, crossing her arms. "He had it coming. Besides, he killed himself, right? I can't see how you're responsible for his death. I'm glad he's gone, after all the things he's done," she stated.
"Why are you telling me this now?" I asked.
"Because she wants to make herself feel better," Sebastian added. The tall blonde who was hanging out with the school football team always seemed to be interested in arguing with other people. "We all do, anyway, right? It sucks to be a part of something like that and be able to say only that you were that person on the side who didn't do shit."
"You don't have to tell me this, ok?" Maria retorted. "I know it myself. I didn't do shit, neither did you. Maybe if we did, nearly 3 years ago, it wouldn't end up like this."
"Maybe it wouldn't," Rose sighed. "But it's all lost now, anyway. We are where we are." The black haired thin girl looked at me with some sort of sadness in her green eyes, "I'm sorry, Deidara."
It turned out there was no minute of silence for Brandon, and I spent the day feeling strangely detached from the reality. The world of all the 'maybe' was not an escape but an abyss.
One week later, I managed to speak to my father. He seemed particularly pleased with the outcome of the trial as the media could not reveal my name. It all seemed done and dusted and my father's reputation did not seem to suffer. He still had his job and, as far as I was concerned, none of his colleagues knew about what happened to his son. I also knew that, deep down, my father was relieved that I did not decide to testify against him. The long history of physical and mental abuse could bring him down and destroy everything he was proud to have… and, still, I did not decide to go on a war against him. I could only hope he felt grateful for it, just a little bit.
On one occasion, after the trial, I decided to confront him on my own. Well, to be specific, Hidan went there with me but agreed to wait outside. I knew that was something I had to do on my own. I had to ask my father questions he could only answer while alone with me; or so I hoped. I went to my house around 5 as I knew that would be when my father would be back from work but he would not be drunk just yet – that was the best time to confront him.
"So, that's it," I started, peering at him with doubt. "The trial has ended. Now there are three more people who are awaiting the penalty but I am not going to attend their trials," I added.
"Good," my father talked down to me. "Are you coming back to live here?"
I shrugged my arms. "I don't know. Can I?"
"Well, you already made up your mind, didn't you? You went to live with that albino boy," he noticed.
"Yeah, I know…" I did not really know what to say or what I even wanted. I needed answers but asking questions seemed more one could take.
"In theory, you are allowed to live here till the age of 18," my father remarked. "Then, I don't care. You can do whatever, it's not my problem, as long as you don't go in my way."
"I… Can I ask you something?" I risked.
My father glanced at me but did not say anything.
"Do you really hate me that much because I could not defend myself?"
"Listen, boy. Everyone has their dreams or ambitions. I wanted a son who would be tough, who wouldn't let anyone fuck around with him. I wanted a son who would have a decent job, find a wife and give me a grandson. I didn't sign up for a faggot who can't do anything properly and goes to court because he couldn't even stop some kids from screwing him. I wanted to teach you how to defend yourself. I thought you would take it, man up and do what men do: suck it up and punch back. You've never learned anything. Your mother would be disappointed if she was here, too," he said coldly.
"I… I see," I rasped after a while. "I am sorry. That's who I am."
"That's why you can't expect anything from me. Feel sorry for you? You had you goddamn chance to man up. Missed it? That's not my fucking problem. I'm only glad that stupid trial did not jeopardise my job."
"You know I could have reported child's abuse so they would build a case against you," I said before I had a chance to bite my tongue.
"You wouldn't dare," my father implied. "You would lose everything you ever had."
"All I ever had was my mother, myself, my art and Hidan. None of those things is related to you," I hissed.
"You are related to me. Everything in your life was, is and will always be related to me, thanks to me. I fed you and gave you home when your mother died. I could have easily let you just die," my father growled.
"Maybe at least then I wouldn't spend all those years wishing to die," I mumbled, looking away.
"That's not my problem," he retorted. "Anything else you want to say?"
I hesitated and shook my head. "No, I'm good."
"Good, I'm busy."
I knew the only plans he had was to watch telly and drink but I did not say a word; just like I did not say anything over the last years.
"Bye, dad. Merry Christmas," I said and left the house without waiting for his response. I saw Hidan waiting for me with his phone in his hand. He looked up and asked,
"Is everything fine?"
"Yeah," I answered. "I'm sorry you had to wait."
"That's fine. Did he say anything?"
"No," I shook my head. "Nothing I wouldn't have expected." I hugged Hidan and kissed him on the cheek.
"We should go somewhere else," Hidan suggested.
"Home? Please," I asked. "It's cold."
That year, I got to spend Christmas with Hidan. Although he did not celebrate Christmas, he did not say no to taking the opportunity to get drunk. We did not have a Christmas tree or anything that would remind of celebrating that Christian holiday. We stayed in his flat, not keen on going anywhere or speaking to anyone else as if we were trying to hide from the world. The Christmas Day was still extraordinarily close to what happened in court, and afterwards, and it was difficult for me to detach my thoughts from the events of the last weeks and months. I somehow accepted it would probably never become unimportant and vague – things do not disappear and even though people do, the trauma can stay forever. I was only hoping to learn to live with that, and I knew I was not alone.
My previous Christmas Day, and the one before that, and any other Christmas at all, they all were more awkward and painful, though. My father never wanted to spend the day with me, thank God; I supposed even he would not manage to put up with the tension between us. Being separated on that day helped; I would usually just paint or draw in my room, take a sleeping pill earlier than usual and just go through the rest of the day while sleeping.
On the Christmas Day, when we exchanged gifts, I was a bit nervous. I bought Hidan a book which consisted of interviews with the most notorious serial killers in the history – that was motivated mostly because of his interest in criminology, particularly in murder cases. I also got him a bottle of absinth which he was always saying he loved and which I always avoided. Hidan, on the other hand, gave me a thin and light package which I thought was a book or a small canvas. When I opened the package, though, I saw a graphic tablet. I looked at him questioningly and mumbled, "thank you so much."
"I know you said you've never used this sort of stuff as you always preferred real canvas, paints and all of that stuff… But I think you could like it, you know. I remember you said you weren't sure if you wanted to go to uni or not, and you said you didn't have any idea for the future. I thought that maybe, if you like it, you could be a graphic designer or something like that? You are amazing and I bet many people would be fucking delighted to get logos and other stuff designed by you. You wouldn't even have to worry about A-levels that much," he added, smiling.
I opened my mouth to say something but then I closed them again. I twisted and snuggled into his chest, embracing him tightly.
"Hey, don't tell me you hate it so much you're crying," the albino joked.
I lifted my head and stated firmly, "I am not crying." Hidan grinned and kissed me slowly. I returned the kiss and added, "you didn't have to."
"Well, I kind of did have to," he replied, smirking. "I could see it was really bothering you, I mean, that I said I was moving away. I even remember when you mentioned you were sorry you couldn't contribute to the rent or anything like that because your father would give you next to nothing. And yes, as I said, I would be moving to London once we're done with our exams but I have no intention to leave you here. You going with me, no matter what."
He held my hands and kissed me on the cheek. I nodded, smiling. Maybe he was right – that could work. I was ready to try something new, and if that could help me to find my own way and would become something that would bring me money to stay where I wanted to stay, I was ready to try.
"I love you," I said.
"I love you, too," he replied, looking both pleased and confident.
Someone once said, "there's a big difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live. When you want to die, you at least have a goal. When you don't want to live, you're really just empty."* Somehow, I understood that sentence as a beginning of my life. Before I met Hidan, when I knew nothing but violence and my own desperate will to disappear, I had wished to die - I only did not have the courage to kill myself. I would close my eyes, blend into darkness and hide from everything and everyone. Once he appeared in my life, I understood I did not want to die anymore - and yet, scared and bruised, I still did not want to live. But then, after all of this, for the first time, I started to value my scarred life not because Hidan was simply in present in my life - of all things, he became a part of my life, the life I was ready to love, the life I wanted to protect.
*quote by Brian Warner
Here we are. The last chapter of this story. I would like to thank all of you who have been following this story. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Thank you.