AN: The story is coming to an end pretty...only 1 more chapter and an epilogue...so i hope that you guys are still reading and enjoying!

Chapter 19: Uncertainty

Although the weather was sunny, a chill seemed to have overtaken the feelings of most of the caravan leaving the Wall towards Gaul. It seemed an ominous start for their journey home to leave Arthur, who meant so much to all of them, alone to face the invading Saxons. Valeria looked over to where the knights were riding in two columns from her place in the wagon. Her heart ached for them, understanding how they must've been torn, but grateful that they were all leaving Briton. She became even more anxious as they heard the Saxon drums begin to pound in the distance.

The first sign of any disturbance came from Bors' horse. It began to whiny frantically and marched around anxiously as the sound of the war drums became louder. Soon, all the knights' horses began to protest their projected path away from battle.

"Hey." Tristan said making a tsking noise to his hawk. "You're free." And with a lift of his hand, the hawk flew off into the sky.

Bors looked sadly at his children, knowing that this could be the last time he would ever lay eyes on them; but in his heart he knew that his duty to Arthur, to Briton, wasn't over yet. Gawain made an attempt to smile at his own family, but the expression seemed to get stuck half way.

As Lancelot looked over his fellow knights, it is as though he can hear his father's words from all those years ago, when he first left Sarmatia: 'There is a legend that fallen knights return as great horses. He has seen what awaits you and he will protect you.' Lancelot looked up to heaven and then patted his horse on the neck. It seemed that their paths were still tied to Arthur and the island. They all knew what they had to do.

No words were spoken between the knights, but as Galahad began to grin for the first time since they left the fort, and a mighty wind blew by, they all laughed and started to unpack their full battle regalia from the wagons. Although it might be crazy, and they don't fully understand why they're going back, they realize that this is their life. This is who they are and there's no turning back.

OOOOooooOOOO

As soon as Vanora and Valeria heard Bors' horse protest their march away from the battle, they knew that the knights would return to Arthur. Valeria could feel her heart in her throat as she watched Gawain unpack his armor from amongst their belongings. She remained silent, knowing that any words she said would be a plea for him to stay; she didn't want him to be distracted in battle by her pleas. Besides, his loyalty and bravery were two of the things that had first made her fall in love with him, if she begged him to turn away from Arthur and he did as she asked, she felt like it would put an impenetrable wall between them. So she watched as the man she loved prepared to face certain death.

"Mama, is Papa going back?" Felix asked coming over to sit at his mother's side.

"Yes, he's going to help Artorius." Valeria said as she put her arms around her son. Lucia was asleep but Lucan was sitting in the back of the wagon giving the knights a dark look. Valeria was at a bit of a loss at what to do with Lucan. Although the boy was several years older than Felix, his personality was quite the opposite. Lucan didn't talk and he barely ate. She knew that he had been through some horrible experiences in his short life, but she didn't know how to reach out to him and make him feel like he was a part of their family now.

"Can we go wave to him? Like when he would leave the Wall?" Felix asked. Valeria gave him a smile.

"Yes, let's. You know how your father likes that." Gaius, who was driving their wagon, helped both Felix and Valeria climb down from the wagon. Elspeth, who was riding with them, motioned that she would stay and watch over Lucia. "Lucan, why don't you come with us?" Valeria asked with a smile. Lucan merely scowled at her and retreated further into the wagon. She sighed. "Alright, you stay with Elspeth and Lucia." She said softly.

At his nod, Valeria and Felix turned and walked to the edge of the path where they saw all the knights gathered together, fully dressed in their battle regalia. Vanora stood on the path already with some of her brood. Bors looked over first and saluted his family with his pennant.

"Ruuuuss!" He called out and the other knights turned to see that Valeria and Vanora and the children had come to see them off. Felix, Gilly, and the other children all called back, saluting their fathers as they left for battle.

Gawain could see Valeria standing silently, watching him while holding Felix's hand. His son was waving at him frantically, just as he did at the Wall. Gawain felt a smile tug up the corner of his mouth. Felix was still so innocent. He raised his arm in a salute to them and then, as one, the knights turned and rode back to the Wall. The people stood and watched them ride away until the knights were out of sight.

"Come, we must get back on the move." Vanora said briskly, chivying her children back up to their wagon. Valeria turned silently and guided Felix back to their wagon too. She lifted him up as much as she could and was grateful when Lucan helped Felix scramble up the rest of the way, waking up Lucia as they repositioned themselves. Gaius helped Valeria up and she retreated to the back of the wagon to sit and watch over the children as Gaius drove the wagon.

"They're all going to die." Lucan muttered darkly once they were all settled and moving away from the Wall. At his pronouncement, Lucia began to cry. Felix went over to his sister while shooting a dark glare at the older boy. Valeria sighed and gestured to Elspeth, to go and sit with her the children. It was her own duty to see to Lucan.

"Lucan, you must not say such things." Valeria said as she sat beside the boy. She reached out to put her arm around him, but he shied away from her touch and she awkwardly pulled back. He glared a bit at her.

"Why not? That's what happens. Everyone I come into contact with dies." He looked away from her, almost afraid of what her reaction would be to such a pronouncement. Surely, she would kick him out of their wagon. Then what would become of him?

To his surprise, Valeria did no such thing. She merely sighed and moved to sit a bit closer to him. He looked at her a bit shocked but quickly looked away, not wanting her to be able to understand his thoughts. But what she did say, surprised him.

"Everyone feels like that sometimes, Lucan." He looked back over at her and saw that she wasn't making fun of him. But he didn't think she could have understood him either.

"Everyone might think that, but with me it's real." He shut his mouth in a tight line and looked away again, this time blinking back tears.

"Lucan…" Valeria tentatively put her hand on his shoulder. She was encouraged when he didn't shake her off. "I know that you have been through more than most people have had to go through in their lives." She paused and took a deep breath, wanting to say what she was thinking correctly. "But no one has the life that they expected. Look at Gawian, he was taken as a young boy to fight for a country he hated and watched many of his friends, his brothers, die. Yet, he always has a smile for us when he comes home."

"I guess." Lucan said after a moment of silence passed. "But what about you? You're a Roman, nothing's bad for you." He muttered petulantly. Valeria gave him an assessing look.

"I am happy with my life, but it hasn't been without its struggles." Lucan snorted and Valeria reminded herself that he was just a young boy and that he was suffering. It wouldn't do to get irritated with him now. "You see Gawain and myself together now as though it is normal, but our relationship has not always been easy."

"What do you mean?"

"The first day Gawain and I ever exchanged words, my brother was shot and killed by Woads and Gawain gave me this scar to save me from the rest of the Woads." She held up her arm to show him the scar on her forearm. "He had pushed me under my carriage to save my life." Lucan looked at her with a bit more respect briefly, before he frowned.

"But then you were together." He said with a shrug. She chuckled and shook her head.

"Hardly, I didn't see him or any of the knights again for three years." He looked a bit surprised. "Our paths crossed quite by accident and we…" She cleared her throat a bit uncertain about how to proceed. "Well, we fell in love. But my family, especially my step-father, did not want me to be with Gawain. I found out I was with child and my step-father tried to beat me to death. Fortunately my mother sent me to the Wall where Gawain found me again. We've been together since then, but it hasn't been easy all the time."

"So what can we do? Everything has worked out now, but what if it all ends? What if they do die?" Lucan asked. Although he had accepted that not everything had been perfect for her, he still didn't believe that anything would work out for him.

"Lucan, we can't go through life expecting the worst. You grieve when things go wrong and then move forward. But right now, there is nothing to grieve over; only pray. We can pray that they will remain safe and return to us."

"Pray?" He asked skeptically.

"Yes. It is all we can do while they are away."

"What do we pray?" Lucan asked not fully convinced. His last experience with prayer and prayers had not been good.

"Dear God, please keep them safe and let them return to us." Valeria said softly. She gave him a half smile. "I say that in my head whenever they are away."

Lucan thought about it for a while. He looked at the lady beside him. When her knight had come and taken him from the courtyard a few days ago, he had been surprised to find that the Roman lady, Valeria, had been the one to suggest they take him in. He watched the trees go by for a long moment and eventually Valeria left him to his thoughts with a brief kiss on the head. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she went to her two children and reassured them that everything would be alright.

It struck him that this was probably one of the hardest things to do; to pretend everything was alright and not give in to your own feelings of despair; to be strong for someone else. He felt his eyes burn with tears as he remembered how his own attitude had only made the little girl cry. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and blinked back the tears.

"Dear God, please keep them safe and let them return to us." He muttered under his breath. To his surprise he did feel a little bit better, like the load had been shared somehow. With a shrug he walked over to where Valeria and Elspeth were acting out some sort of story with some of Felix's toys. He sat beside Felix, who gave him a suspicious look at first but at Lucan's subdued expression, the easy going Felix gave Lucan a tentative smile.

"You'll like this story. Mummy and Daddy do it best, but Auntie Elspeth does a good job too." He said and Lucan returned his smile slightly.

"We'll have to have them do it again when your Dad comes back." He replied. Felix nodded and looked back to the adults.

The caravan travelled on. Occasionally, the inhabitants would look up at the sky to track the progress of the sun to judge how much time had passed. Although they couldn't hear the drums anymore, or any of the sounds from the battle they were fleeing, it felt like death was chasing after them. As the sun started to sink below the horizon, Valeria had only one thought running through her mind as they seemed to get farther and farther away from the man that she had given up everything for:

"Dear God, please keep him safe and let him return to us."

AN: reviews are welcome!