Summary: (BM/WW Wedding-fic) When Batman finally gathers the courage to ask Wonder Woman to marry him, the Dark Knight gets more than he bargained for when the entire League decided to pitch in and help plan their impending nuptials – contains fluff, random humour, a temperamental Amazon princess, drunken bachelor-party escapades, and various attempts on Superman's life!
A/N: So… this chapter, or rather, the idea behind it, is the reason why I even started this story to begin with – as you can imagine, that's a pretty big deal, and let me tell you, this chapter has been a complete and utter bitch to write.
Tears of frustration, a small existential crisis, and frequent bouts of emo-ness aside, I will be damned if there isn't one of you who will not at least giggles at some point – damned, you hear me! DAMNED! *curls into ball and sobs*
…I think I need a hug…
Disclaimer: If I were the owner of these characters, I would have given Alfred his own comic already. Yes, he's that awesome.
Bridezillas & Kryptonite
~Chapter Fifteen~
Part Two
The Bachelor Party:
Of Conniving Magicians & Hung-over Spacemen
"That better not be what I think it is," Jonathan said sternly when the shock passed and the camel bleated again.
"…I should probably wake them." Clark said awkwardly.
Jonathan nodded. "You probably should. In the meantime, I'll get you… and your friends, some clothes if you need any."
"Thanks Pa."
"Don't thank me yet, son, I'm letting you explain to your mother why the barn looks like had a hurricane run through it."
Clark paled a little (well, more so). "Right…"
"Come up to the house once you're all up."
With that, Jonathan left Clark alone and with the task of waking everyone up.
The Kryptonian stood up shakily, momentarily overcome with the strong urge to crawl under a rock and stay there for a significant amount of time.
He looked around wearily, taking in the sight with both awe and dread. There was a golf cart in the holding pen strewn with streamers, mountains of empty cans and bottles stacked all around in little pyramid shapes - the giant LuthorCorp metal logo from the main building in Metropolis was leaning against the tractor, and generally, there was just an abundance of random knickknacks, strange, very, very odd things just thrown around without any semblance of logic or reason.
And where on earth did they find a camel?
For some strange reason, Clark found J'onn curled up underneath his father's workbench, all of his clothes still mercifully there, but strangely, the Martian had an indecent amount of glitter on him.
"J'onn," Clark said, shaking him gently by the shoulder
"Blackjack!" he said loudly, his bright red eyes flying open as he sat up abruptly.
Clark tightened his grip slightly on his shoulder. "Easy there…"
J'onn blinked, and for a moment, Clark wanted to laugh at his bewildered expression.
"…Clark, what…?" he said and rubbed his eyes… only to pause when he saw the glittery mess on the skin of his hands. "What on earth…?"
"I've been wondering that myself," Clark said, smiling despite himself before stepping back and offered the Martian his hand to stand up. "C'mon, help me wake everyone up."
"In a moment…" J'onn said, slowly getting onto his feet. "The world seems to be spinning on its axis."
"Trust me, I know the feeling," Clark agreed.
J'onn then looked at him wearily. "Clark, what exactly happened last night?"
"I was hoping you could tell me."
"I'm afraid I cannot. My mind feels strange. Everything prior now seems to be a daze."
"That's not a good thing…" Clark said, frowning.
"No, it's not." J'onn said and looked at the Kryptonian for a minute, only noticing the marks now. "…So, I don't suppose you would be able to tell me why you look like a walking hieroglyph?"
"Can you tell me why you look like a disco-ball?" he countered.
J'onn's mouth opened before he closed it again just as fast. "…Fair enough." He then noticed the camel. "Is that camel eating Wally's hair?"
"Yeah…" Clark said. "…Let's just… help him."
As J'onn went over to help Wally, Clark found Dick nearby, up against the barn's wooden wall, half awake but, much like him, without a shirt, without shoes… and with an abundance of glow-stick necklaces and bracelets around his arms and neck.
Clark lowered down and gently touched his shoulder. "Dick…?"
A pair of bleary blue eyes cracked open. "Hey, Supes…" he said weakly, "…That was some party, huh…?"
"How long have you been awake?"
"Since your dad came in," he said. "…Glad he didn't knock, but somebody's in trouble."
"Thanks for reminding me." Clark said dryly.
Dick grinned toothily. "Don't mention it, but… speaking of dads, where's mine?"
When Clark helped him onto his feet, Dick had to lean on him slightly for support, wincing slightly.
Just then, there was a loud yelp followed by a sudden blur of limbs and string of high-speed, almost incomprehensible curses as Wally scattered to get away from his new 'acquaintance'. He ended up half crouched in the corner, near hyperventilation, and looking very much liked a wild animal.
Wally, also like Clark, was drawn on, only in possession of all his clothing and instead of pink lipstick he had a little heart on his nose, a pair of whiskers on his cheek, and a monocle around his left eye, all in black marker ink.
"At least he's up," Dick commented, Clark had to stop himself from laughing.
It took a few moments for J'onn to calm him down, but when he did, Wally blinked wildly before, "Dude!" he exclaimed, "So not cool!"
Dick made a face. "Pipe it down, Wally."
The speedster frowned. "I just woke up with a crazy moose trying to maul my head off!"
"She's a camel, and I'm sure she wasn't trying to 'maul' you." J'onn said calmly. "If anything, she might have mistaken your head for a large carrot."
"Oh, ha, ha, very funny – make fun of the ginger kid while he's down, why don't ya?" Wally said ruefully. "And how do you know it's a 'she'?"
"I just do, and you startled her just now."
Wally snorted. "Well excuse me…" he said unapologetically before making a face. "…Why does my head feel like it had a train run over it?"
"That," Dick announced, "would be called 'a hangover'."
"What? Dick, buddy, get real," the redhead said dismissively.
"He's right," another, unexpected voice spoke. Surprised, when the four of them looked for the source of it, they discovered that it came from a haystack.
More surprising still was when it turned out that none other than the Green Lantern, Hal Jordan, on his back on the bed of straw, one arm slung over his eyes and a empty bottle of champagne cradled to his chest. Other than that, while his clothes and hair were somewhat wrinkled and speckled with bits of straw, he was untouched by glitter, lipstick, glow-sticks, or camel saliva.
"Hal…?" Clark said absurdly.
"Hey, Clark," the space-cop casually, not bothering to move an inch, "Do you mind doing me a favor and quiet down a little? My head's killing me over here."
"Hal, what are you talking about? I didn't even know you were back on earth, I didn't see you last night," Clark said before the possibilities suddenly sprang to mind.
Hal raised his arm and looked at Clark with a scrunched-up expression. "Are you serious?" he asked before realization set in and his eyes lit up. "…Judging by the way you're all looking at me, I'm going to take a blind leap of faith and say you are."
The Green Lantern then sat up, clutching his head before looking around and whistled lowly.
"Damn…" he said, a broad grin suddenly spreading over his face, still holding his head, "I didn't think we trashed this place that bad."
"What happened?" Dick asked, finally standing on his own.
"Don't you remember?" Hal said before waving that away before looking directly at Clark. "Don't answer that, I'll tell you what happened. You, my friend, are a beast – a party god or something – I tell you, I haven't been to a bash like that since I was a teenager."
The Kryptonian stared at the space-cop as if he'd just grown an extra head. "Me?"
A green aura surrounded Hal as he carefully floated off of the haystack. "Yeah, you – I gotta say, Clark, I didn't peg you as the type that even thought about doing the insane crap like we did last night. 'Course, after everything I saw… or what I remember of it, anyway, I'm never stereotyping again, ever. I tell you, it was crazy, one of the best nights of my life, hands down."
"Oh no…" Clark groaned, covering his face with his hands. He had a bad, bad feeling…
"You may want to start from the beginning, Hal," J'onn said wearily, "At this point we need all the assistance we can get."
Hal seemed chuffed at the request. "Thought you'd never ask, you see, it's like this-"
And so, he went on to vaguely describe most of the night which, much to Clark's surprise and dismay, included a flooded sushi bar, an underground rave, numerous dubious dares, trespassing, thievery, and an angry zookeeper named Stephen.
Meanwhile…
It took at least twice the time it normally would have for Tim to realize that he was truly awake and in a fair amount of discomfort that bordered on agony.
The lights were dim, and when his eyes were finally focused, he was even more confused when he found that he was leaning against Jason, his head on his older brother's shoulder.
"Finally," Jason said, rolling his bloodshot eyes, "I thought you were dead."
Tim stared at him incomprehensibly before something caught his eye. "Where's your shirt…?" he asked.
"You tell me," Jason responded flatly. He then looked in front of himself and whistled sharply. "Hey, the kid's awake."
Turning his head, Tim saw Arthur, looking very much worse for wear, sitting on the ground with his back against the wall, while Oliver Queen and the Green Lantern, Guy Gardner, were busy bickering quietly.
Arthur managed to flash the teenager a quick, weak grin. "Glad to see you're up and about, Tim."
There had to be irony of some kind in that sentence.
Still, Tim smiled back the best he could at the Atlantian king… that is, until he noticed that there were bars where he assumed another wall should have been.
"Are we in jail?" he asked slowly.
For the life of him, Tim hoped that nobody would answer him, but when he caught the guilty expressions on Guy and Ollie's faces, he could only groan and sink back against his smirking brother.
Elsewhere…
Bruce, unlike everyone else, didn't willingly submit to consciousness and was instead woken up by an anxious voice and a swift, painful kick to his shin.
"Bruce…!" the voice hissed.
His eyes flew opened instantly.
Confused and disoriented, two things occurred to him as he found himself on the ground in some dark, dingy room; the first was that his hands were tied behind his back, and secondly, his head hurt like a bitch.
With a dry mouth and a throbbing shin, Bruce let his eyes adjust to the dark before turning to look at the source of the voice.
"Bruce, you have to wake up, now."
Just a few feet away from him, Bruce could make out the blurry silhouette. "John…?" he asked with a croak.
There was an unfamiliar groan as something else moved next to the Green Lantern.
"What…?"
"We're in deep," John said in a loud whisper.
"What are you talking about? What's going on?" Bruce asked, testing out his restraints – by the feel of it, his hands were bound together tightly by thick rope.
"I don't know, but whatever's going on, I say you, me, and Kyle are in a world of trouble."
Honestly Bruce would have sat up if he could. He just didn't have it in him.
"Kyle?"
"Look, I'll explain later," John cut in, "right now, do you think you can get out? Whoever tied us up, took mine and the kid's rings."
"What do you mean they took your rings? Call them back." Bruce said absurdly.
It wasn't hard to picture the grimace on John's face. "I can't."
"What? Is the battery dead?"
"Not exactly…"
"Then spit it out already, John."
"It takes some focus to make constructs and actually use the ring, you know that." John explained before sighing. "The truth is, with the way I feel right now, I seriously doubt I'll be able to walk straight never mind think straight. Kyle's dead weight right now, so that goes for him too."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"I'm afraid not…"
"Well, how long is it going to take for you to snap out of it?"
"…A while."
"Do we have that long?"
"If the weird chanting I've been hearing and big-ass butcher knives the guys who took us are carrying is anything to go by… I severely doubt it."
Bruce's head hit the ground with a 'thunk' and a groan. "Spectacular…"
Back in Smallville…
Dick found himself nursing his hangover with a bag of frozen peas and a cup of some of the extra sweet black coffee Mrs. Kent made for them as he, J'onn and Hal sat in the front seat of the golf cart (which they had gotten out of the stall) and watched Clark pace around the barn, tugging at his hair and occasionally cursing out loud in Kryptonian. Dick had asked for a translation, J'onn refused stating it too rude to repeat in polite company.
At least, along with the coffee, Mrs. Kent was nice enough to give clothes to anyone who needed them… even if the shirts did belong to Clark and sat rather loose on both Dick and Wally's slighter frames.
"So… let me see if I got this right…" Dick began slowly. "We're in Smallville, as in Smallville, Kansas?"
J'onn nodded sagely. "It would seem so."
"Okay… but now, and this is the other, better question, how did we get here?"
"That is a good question." J'onn agreed.
"I already told you guys," Hal said, "after Vegas, things starts getting fuzzy."
Dick blinked. "…And when you say Vegas…"
"Las Vegas as in the one in the desert, yeah," Hal clarified.
"Okay… and before that?"
"Gotham – like I've been telling you, we started out in Gotham, then Vegas, then Metropolis… I think we might have stopped for take-out somewhere in the middle, but that isn't the point right now."
"Speaking about somewhere in the middle… what happened to the others?" Dick asked.
"I don't know – but I think we might have left Ollie in the casino,"
"Which casino, Hal?"
The space-cop opened his mouth as if to answer… only change his mind and look thoughtful.
"Huh… good question… I think he was showing Tim how to play craps last time I saw him."
Dick's head shot up sharply, headache forgotten for a moment. "Say what now?"
"Or was it poker…?" when he saw the look on the younger man's face he waved him down. "Relax, Jason and Guy was there too."
Dick's eyes resembled saucers. "We left my little brother in Las Vegas with Jason and Guy?!"
Hal seemed to think about this over. "If you put it like that…"
Dick covered his face with his hands. "Oh, god…"
"How would Tim even get into a casino?" J'onn asked, "I understand there is an age-restriction for these kinds of things."
"We snuck him in through the kitchens," Hal explained.
"Bruce didn't object?" the Martian asked, raising an invisible brow.
"Why would he? It was his idea."
Dick let out a groan before he felt a slight tap on his shoulder, and without looking over his shoulder, he handed the frozen peas over to Wally who was sprawled out on the backseat of the cart.
"We suck," the speedster stated, making a small sound of relief as he pressed the bag to his forehead harder, "Like, really, really suck…"
"It's not that bad," J'onn said.
"No, seriously, we do," Wally said. "Look, I'm fine with the whole 'hung-over' thing, really,"
Dick snorted in disbelief before looking over his shoulder at his best friend skeptically, "Really?"
"…What are you nuts? It's freaking terrible… but, the point I was trying to make is, while I accept that we got drunk – all scientific explanation as to how that might have happened tossed out of the window right now – what really gets to me is the fact I can't remember a single thing." He then snorted. "I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I'm coming up blank here."
"We already told you, you're not the only one, Wally." Dick grumbled.
"Yeah… But, you know, I'd be sort of fine with all that too if the night sucked…" Wally's eyebrows then furrowed together as he turned onto his back and looked at Hal. "The night didn't suck, did it?"
Hal managed to flash him a toothy grin. "On my oath as a Green Lantern, it did not suck and could possibly have been one of the greatest nights in the history of man."
The speedster covered his face with his free arm dramatically. "Dammit…!"
"…While I disagree with Wally on being fine with not remembering anything, I do feel the need to point out something," J'onn said.
Dick looked at the Martian. "What's that, J'onn?"
"It's a rather large coincidence, don't you think?" he said, frowning. "With the exception being Hal, of course, don't you think it's strange that the four of us can't remember anything about last night?"
"I guess…" Wally piped up from behind.
"Exactly how is it that you remember anything, Hal?" J'onn asked.
Hal shrugged. "I don't know, you probably had a head start with the liquor or something – all I know is that when me, John, Guy and Kyle got to Gotham, all of you guys were pretty messed up already."
Before either Dick or J'onn could respond, both their and Hal's attention was suddenly redirected back to Clark when the Kryptonian suddenly started searching his pockets frantically.
"Oh no – no, please no…" he begged.
"What's wrong, Supes?" Wally asked, actually sitting up a little.
"I think we may have another problem…"
"I don't think we can take another problem, Clark," Hal said dryly.
"Is it bad?" Dick asked.
Clark nodded. "Kind of… yes." he grimaced. "I… I think I might have dropped it…"
There was an ominous pause.
"Dropped what…?" Wally asked, breaking the quiet.
Seeing the look on the Kryptonian's face, one for one, tiny nuclear explosions went off in the back of their heads as the truth dawned on them.
"Well… damn."
Back with Tim…
They'd managed to get Arthur off of the ground and onto his feet again, and while badly dehydrated, the Atlantian king was oddly cheerful. Sadly, he was the only one.
"I say we bust out of here and go all out so that these punks never knew what hit them," Guy said, still slurring despite already being over worst of his hangover.
Oliver, who (despite vehemently exclamations of knowing how it had happened) was wearing a glittering black sequins number reminiscent of a certain rock and roll icon, shook his head adamantly. "And cause even more of a scene? I say we wait for our one phone call, let my lawyer take care of everything, pay for whatever we did, and book it back to HQ."
"That'll take all day!" Guy argued.
"Besides," Jason toned in, "the cop from earlier said you already used our one phone call to order pizza."
Oliver flushed. "Yes, but apparently I was still drunk then. Anyway, the point is, they'll have to let us talk to someone eventually, and say what you will, my plan beats Buzz Lightyear over here's plan any day of the week."
Guy balled his fists, his ring glowing threateningly. "Say that again, Goldilocks."
As the two of them glared and bickered like old women, Tim let out a sigh and stood up. "Here's a suggestion," he said, speaking up over their arguing, "Why don't we just sneak out?"
Jason snorted. "There are cameras everywhere," he pointed out.
"Guy can use his ring and flash a light bright enough to blind the camera," he went on after everyone stopped to listen to him, "And if I have to, I'll hack into their security system later and delete any the footage."
"You can do that?" Oliver asked, only to think about it and waved the question away, "Oh, right, never mind."
"What about the guards?" Guy asked, arching his eyebrow.
"That's where the 'sneaking out' comes in," Tim said before looking at Arthur. "Um, your Highness? Do you think you can get us out of here?"
"I don't see why not." Arthur agreed, waking over to the bars.
"Wait, so… we're really going to do this?" Guy asked absurdly.
"Do you want to stay here?" Tim asked.
That managed to shut Guy up and the redhead shook his head, readying his ring.
"It's not how I would have done it," Jason said, smirking a little when Tim rolled his eyes, "but hey, if it means we can get out of here, fine by me."
Elsewhere…
Most of the feeling in John's toes had returned when a door suddenly opened from somewhere and four men wearing what looked like burlap sacks fashioned into a hood and cloak came in and roughly yanked them onto their feet.
When they got to Bruce, the billionaire actually made one of the men recoil with one of his glares, but before he could do anything else, he was shoved abruptly by another from behind and made to walk.
"What's going on?" Kyle asked, swaying slightly once he was up.
John couldn't answer as the next moment, there was a loud scuffle, and when he looked, he saw that Bruce had purposely slammed into one of the men with his shoulder. There was a struggle, another of the men managed to get Bruce away from the one he attacked before punching him in the stomach.
Bruce doubled over, a pained sound escaping his lips and was grabbed by the scruff of his shirt.
After that, the three of them were lead out of the room, into a dark hallway and down a metal staircase. It all passed in a blur, and the next thing John knew, they were shoved to the ground in the corner while the men walked over to a bonfire and stone statue surrounded by a group of more men dressed similarly in the middle of the room.
John looked at Bruce in bewilderment. "You can't be serious – a cult?"
"Stranger things have happened to us, John," Bruce said through his teeth.
The Green Lantern then raised his eyebrow. "Anyway, what the hell was that all about? They could have killed you."
"Luckily for all of us," he said quietly, shifting something in his clenched hand, "they didn't."
When John saw the glint of a knife, he blinked.
"You…" he then shook his head. "Sorry I doubted you."
Bruce nodded. "You should be."
When the cultists started chanting, both of them froze.
"Hurry," John urged.
Bruce didn't need to be told twice.
Smallville…
Needless to say, everyone was in a bit of a panic at that point.
Dick had now gotten out of the cart and was pacing around himself.
"How could you lose the rings? Why would you even bring them with you?" he asked absurdly before shaking his head and grasped at his hair, "You know what, no, never mind that right now – how could I leave my little brother with Jason? What was I thinking?"
"Actually, you were busy flirting with this cute redhead, so I doubt you were thinking, well, anything really." Hal quipped helpfully.
Dick groaned again.
"I don't think that's helping," Wally said from the backseat.
"Might I suggest we stay on the current topic?" J'onn said, "Clark, as far as you're able to tell us, what do you think happened to the rings?"
The Kryptonian shook his head. "I always carry them around with me so I know where they are, and I swear the box was in pocket last night. Maybe the box fell out, or I misplaced it, or," his eyes widened as he clasped his hand over his mouth, and then, aside, "Oh lord, what if I left Bruce's rings in a bar-! What is wrong with me?!"
Hal looked slightly perturbed by Clark's minor psychotic break-down before he turned back to J'onn. "…I don't think that's helping either…"
"Why don't we just call somebody?" Wally suggested absently, sitting up.
His words had the same effect as a bolt of lightning, and for a moment, everyone's eyes turned onto the speedster, dumbstruck.
Wally fidgeted at the sudden attention. "…What?"
"That… that's brilliant," J'onn said, awed.
Wally pouted. "Hey now, you don't have to sound so surprised about that… I can come up with a good idea every once in a while."
Hal patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Sure you can."
When everyone started digging into their pockets for their phones, they found several other things instead.
Dick made a face when he pulled out even more glow-sticks, a napkin with somebody called Rachelle's number on it, a handful of poker chips from several different casinos in both Gotham and Vegas, and half a packet of Skittles – miraculously, all things considered, he still had his wallet… but no phone.
"Okay, let's see…" Hal said, speaking up, "I got a stick of gum… a pair of beads, a magic marker," he coughed a little and smirked, "…and a business card from some guy in Gotham who can, apparently, 'make me a star'."
"Strange…" J'onn said, frowning, "I have the same card… oh, as well three ten of spades… and handcuffs, for some reason." He said, holding up a pair of furred handcuffs and examined them curiously as Wally blanched and Hal threw his back and laughed.
Dick blinked. "What kind of clubs did we even go to last night?"
Next to him, Clark made a strange choking noise, and when Dick looked, he saw the Kryptonian throw something pale pink and lacy to the ground as if it had stung him before quickly disintegrated it to ash with his heat-ray vision.
"Was that…?" Dick trailed off.
Clark's face was a rather magnificent shade of red. "You saw nothing, it does not exist, this conversation never happened." He said before pulling out his cell phone. "At least I still have this." he muttered under his breath.
"Hey, guys," Wally began, "when did we go see the Blue Man Gro- ooh, uh…" he happened to look up and saw his reflection in the rear mirror and spluttered, "What the- oh c'mon!" he then spotted the pen in Hal's hands and glowered at the space cop, "Dude!"
As Hal tried to explain himself (and effectively pinned all the blame on Dick), the phone in Clark's hands started vibrating.
When he saw who it was, Clark blinked in confusion but answered it anyway.
"Zatanna…?"
"Hey, Clark, it's about time you picked up – I've been trying to get a hold of you all morning." The magician said airily.
"Um, yeah, sorry about that, I guess I didn't hear it…"
"No worries, I was just calling to check up on everything – you guys survive the night okay?"
Clark scratched the back of his head. "Kind of… look, Zee, I don't want to be rude or anything here, but I really can't talk at the moment,"
"Oh, no, that's fine, you don't sound so great. Anyway, I also wanted to call you to give you a heads-up, you know, considering I might have had something to do with your current… predicament."
His face crunched up a little in confusion. "What are you talking about?" at the sight of the strange look Dick was giving him, he waved it off.
"You have been gone for a while. Oh, and if Bruce is around, could you bring him to the phone please? Diana's getting a little worried because he hasn't answered any of her calls."
"…I'm afraid I can't do that," he said, that heavy feeling in his stomach getting heavier and sinking deeper and deeper.
"Why?"
"Because I'm not exactly sure where he is at the moment,"
"Meaning…?"
"We… sort of lost him…"
There was a long, awkward pause.
"…Wow… And, just so we're clear, when you say lost… you don't mean 'lost' as in dead, do you?"
Clark laughed awkwardly, "No, no, of course not."
The possibility played out in his mind and he blinked.
And then again.
And again. Oh dear.
Well, he sure hoped not!
As he thought about it a little longer, he face-palmed – oh, why did he have to put that thought into his head right now…?
"Okay! That's good."
The Kryptonian then shook his head. "But, hey, wait a minute – what do you mean you had something to do with… whatever is going on now?"
"You know how I said a friend of mine owned the bar you went to last night – he was the bartender you spoke to?"
"Yes…" Clark said wearily.
"Well… in a way, I may or may not have helped liven the evening up a little."
The words came crashing into Clark like a slow-moving train.
"And that means?" Correction, now he had a very bad, bad – super bad – feeling.
"You told me that you couldn't get drunk, and I wanted to see if my magic could help change that – so, I asked him to give you guys something… special."
Clark closed his eyes and took a breath, silently praying for mercy. "You didn't…"
"Look at the bright side!" the magician said cheerfully, "At least you had fun, right? Something for you guys to remember one day?"
Slowly, very slowly, Clark sank to the ground and sat down in the middle of the barn, the others looking at him, startled.
"Oh! I gotta go!" Zatanna said quickly. "I'll ask for details later – anyway, good luck finding Bruce. Talk to you later, Clark."
As the call ended, the phone unceremoniously fell out of Clark's hand as the Kryptonian took a moment (or five) to process the new information. When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked up to see Dick give him a questioning, worried look.
He could only shake his head, and when he saw his phone vibrate again, Diana's name flashing on the screen, his head sank into his hands and watched it ring, and ring, and ring.
Meanwhile, back with Tim and Jason…
…Surprisingly enough, breaking out went smoother than Tim anticipated – the other cells were empty and for some reason, the guard on duty wasn't there.
Of course, breaking out was the easy part, actually getting out of the police station was slightly trickier… the situation wasn't exactly made any easier since one of them was shirtless and the other resembled a blond King of Rock.
At some point, when they thought they heard voices from up ahead, they had to duck through the nearest door only to find that they'd stumbled into the police locker room.
Long story short, after a hasty change for those who needed it, the five of them managed to slip out through the employee's entrance without drawing anyone's attention to them, and all but ran to the nearest empty alleyway once they got out.
As Oliver, Guy and Arthur caught their breath Jason hung back and blinked.
"Son of a bitch…" he commented. "I think we're in Vegas."
"I think the black jumpsuit our resident archer wore back there made that much pretty obvious," Guy quipped.
Despite himself, Jason barked out a laugh.
His attention, however, was drawn to Tim when he noticed that the teenager stood away from the rest of them, slightly hunched over behind a pair of trashcans, Jason then heard the telltale sounds of heaving.
Oliver shook his head sympathetically, having noticed this too. "Poor kid," he commented before they heard a beeping noise coming from him. They stared at him in bewilderment until the archer realized that the sound was coming from the small communicator he still somehow had on him.
Jason's expression turned deadpan. "Wait, did you have that on you this whole time?"
Oliver grinned sheepishly. "Umm, oops…?"
At this, Guy promptly face-palmed, muttering obscenities under his breath.
"You might as well answer that, my friend," Arthur said wearily, sliding down one of the walls and sat down on the dirty ground.
Oliver nodded and accepted the incoming communication.
"Green Arrow," he answered unevenly. He listened for a moment before his shoulders sagged in relief. "Am I glad to hear from you!"
As the archer started explaining a skimmed down version of their situation, Jason walked over to his younger brother who had mercifully stopped throwing up but looked a fright.
Tim shut his eyes tight. "Is this what dying feels like?" he croaked.
"Nah, just a hang-over," He said and clasped the teenager on the shoulder in a would-be friendly manner. "Congratulations, you're becoming a man."
Tim groaned. "I'm not completely sure if this is accurate or not, but this is your fault." He said, narrowing his bleary eyes.
Jason shrugged, "You're probably right about that one."
Oliver, after he was done with his story, then made a face. "What…? Why are you laughing? Stop laughing!"
Guy snickered. "You mentioned the jumpsuit, didn't you?"
Oliver glared at him. "Can it, space-man." He said gruffly before returning to his conversation. After a few nods and a brief goodbye, he turned back to the others. "They're locking onto my location so they can beam us up in a few minutes."
"Any idea what we're gonna tell the others?"
"Nary the one."
With Bruce, John and Kyle…
With a final flick of his wrist and a subtle, sharp tug, the rope around Bruce's wrists finally came off and the billionaire gave John a curt nod.
"What now?" the marine whispered, wearily eyeing the cultists as they continued chanting in made up tongues.
"Your rings," Bruce said with a calculating look in his eyes as he weighed his options. "Do you think you can get us out of here if you had them?"
John nodded. "I'll sure as hell try."
They were in a warehouse – there was a walkway above them stationed by one of the cultists as a lookout. As far as Bruce could tell, he wasn't armed, but if he wasn't careful and an alarm was raised, even if he was feeling marginally better, getting out would be that much harder.
When he saw his chance and the lookout turned his back, Bruce slipped John the knife so that he could work on getting himself and Kyle free before carefully, quietly, moved towards a rusted steel ladder that lead up to the walkway. More carefully still, he climbed up, thanking whatever deity that favored him he didn't make a sound as he did.
The lookout had his back turned to him. In a blink, before the poor fool knew what was happening, Bruce had him in a chokehold, hand over his mouth and nose – it didn't take long for the man's eye to roll back as Bruce felt his body go slack from unconsciousness.
Once he was certain the man was indeed out like a light, Bruce turned his attention to scanning the room for any trace of the rings. Mercifully, as luck would have it, he caught a feint green glow coming from a cardboard box just behind the make-shift 'altar' the cultists had set up.
On the ground below, despite still dazed out of his skull, Kyle watched in amazement as Bruce simply slipped out of sight.
"How does he do that?" he asked mildly.
John actually smiled. "You're asking the wrong person there, rookie."
"Do you think Superman might know?"
"Probably, but who can really say what those two know about each other."
Unfortunately, just as Kyle was about to open his mouth, they heard a shout as the cultists discovered that one of their captives were missing.
Kyle, in a moment of foresight, moved slightly so that nobody could see with what John was busy with. There was shouting and cursing when the unconscious body of the look-out was discovered, and in a sudden flurry of activity, the dozen or so cultists started looking high and low for Bruce.
"Almost there," John said quietly.
Moments later, there was a racket from behind the stone statue and altar, and Bruce was dragged out by one of the more bulkier cultists who was, in polite terms, having a hell of a time retraining the billionaire.
Quicker than anyone could blink, Bruce managed to free his arms and elbowed the man sharply in his face.
"John!" he said sharply, something bright green glowing in his hands.
At the same time, John finally cut through the rope – he forcefully thrust his hand out and, just as fast, the ring flew out of Bruce's hand and straight onto his finger.
Blinding green light enveloped around John's body, and when the light dimmed, he was in the air in full uniform.
The next thing Kyle knew, he and Bruce were lifted off of the ground, encased in protective spheres, and with another flash of green light and an explosion of energy, John then blew a hole in the ceiling above, leaving the bewildered, screaming cultists behind as he flew up and out.
John eventually settled them on the roof of the tallest skyscraper he could find.
Once he was on a flat surface, Kyle promptly sat down and fell backwards. "Oh, yay, we're alive…" he said weakly, his arms flailing at his sides, "Let's never to do that again."
John nodded but when Bruce didn't do the same, he raised an eyebrow questioningly.
Bruce just shrugged. "I live in Gotham." He said in a self-explanatory way.
The marine's mouth twitched. "Ah…"
Bruce then walked over to the edge of the roof and started to look around and at the streets below. When he saw that familiar building with the globe on top in the distance, he actually blinked in surprise.
John, seeing this, could just stare. He opened his mouth… but then thought better about it.
Bruce's mouth curled up a little at the corner.
"Really, you're not even going to ask about it?" he asked, amused.
"I think," John said evenly, "that some things are just better off not knowing."
Bruce thought about it and nodded.
Wise words indeed…
Back in Smallville, meanwhile…
Though they protested at first, Clark decided to stay a little longer while the others had gone up back to the Watchtower– there was a lot of explaining to do, and somebody had to show the rest of the League that they were alive at least.
Clark was sitting on his own outside on the front porch of the farmhouse, sober for the most part but with a tumult of emotions in his chest.
Diana was understandably upset with him when he told her about what had happened – for now he eluded the little detail about the rings, deciding that he would rather scour the world first before worrying his friend even more.
With a sigh, he started typing in a familiar number on his phone before raising it up to his ear. Clark waited patiently as the tone rang until, finally, Lois picked up.
"Clark?"
"Hi, Lois," he said, feeling relieved when he heard her voice.
"I was just about to call you – I talked to Diana earlier and she was pretty worried when she couldn't get in touch with any of you guys. Are you okay?"
When he thought back on his own conversation with Diana, he clammed up. While the Amazon didn't immediately shout or threaten him with bodily harm like he would have expected her to, she was worried about Bruce, Tim and Jason and, if anything, just hearing that in her voice made him feel even worse than any magical-induced hang-over did.
"Clark? You still there, honey?" Lois said, her voice softening, slightly worried herself.
"Yeah," he said, and then after a pause, "I'm just… thinking about what I'm going to say next."
"That's strange. You usually don't have a problem talking to me about anything,"
Clark smiled a little. "No, I don't."
"Well, if you don't want to say anything first, I'll start. How was your night?"
"From what Hal's told me, great apparently."
"Hal? The Green Lantern?"
"Yeah…"
"You sound like you don't know yourself."
"I don't."
There was a pause on the other side. "Okay never mind that right now, where are you?"
Clark rubbed the back of his head, "Smallville."
"Wasn't the party in Gotham?"
"It was… but it moved."
Lois then sighed. "What's going on, Clark?"
"I messed up." He said and groaned, "Badly."
"Define 'badly'."
"I might have to move."
"Oh, where to?"
"Mars… or the North Pole… I haven't quite made up my mind yet."
"So, what, you're just gonna quit your job and become Santa Claus?"
"I really messed up, Lois."
"What happened?"
He was about to tell her… when his phone vibrate with another incoming call.
"Clark?"
"I have another call coming in." he said apologetically. "I'll tell you everything later, I promise."
He didn't look at the caller-ID, but then if he did, Clark probably wouldn't have reacted the way he did when he heard the voice on the other side.
"We are never going to another bar for as long as we live,"
Sky blue eyes widened comically as Clark all but flew to his feet. "Bruce? Is that you?"
"No, I just sound like him," Bruce quipped back dryly. "Who else would it be, Kent?"
Clark chose to ignore the sarcasm. "Oh thank goodness you're alive!"
He could almost picture Bruce rolling his eyes. "You were expecting otherwise?"
"N-never mind that! Where are you? Why haven't you called earlier?"
"I only just remembered I had my phone with me,"
"Have you talked to Diana?"
"Not yet, but I already talked to J'onn; he's locking onto my location now."
"You did, why didn't he call me then?"
"I asked him to let me do that personally."
Clark nodded. "Okay… what about the others?"
"Oliver and the rest are on board already. John and Kyle are with me."
Kyle? Oh, never mind – he would ask later. "That's good to hear! I suppose I'll see you at the station, then?"
"You will, but before I go – while I was looking for my phone, you would never believe what I found in the pocket of that god-awful Hawaiian shirt you and Wally tricked me into…"
"No, what?"
"Guess." There was an underlying edge to Bruce's voice he didn't particularly like.
Clark blinked, but when the light went off, relief surged through him, practically making him weak in the knees.
"How…?"
"I found a poker chip inside along with the rings, so your guess it as good as mine."
A pause as the full implications set in. Clark's laugh was a mixture of sweet relief and utter, utter sheepishness.
Then, "…You're mad at me right now, aren't you?"
"They will never find your body, Kent. I promise you that much."
"If it makes you feel any better, when it's my bachelor party, you can get me back any way you want, you know." He bargained.
Clark heard a snort. "Oh, I'm planning to…"
Phil:
Do you ever do anything that doesn't end in a stand-off, Chow?
Mr. Chow:
I a international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu Price:
You have a wife?
Mr. Chow:
Yeah, we married fifteen years. Whatsa matter, Mr. Chow not good-looking enough for woman?
- The Hangover II
Stu Price:
[playing piano and singing passionately]
What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze?
Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?
Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed,
And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug –
Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug!
…But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers-
[stops suddenly]
Well then, we're shit out of luck.
- The Hangover
A/N: Oh, Mr. Chow… it really isn't a party if you're not there.
...This is by far the most random chapter I've written. EVER. You may or may not have realized this by now, but I was hugely inspired by a certain movie – several actually, oh, and Smallville, of course – but this one in particular is the big daddy.
…I have no idea what inspired the cult scenes though…
In Response with the previous chapter's reviews:
yob3: In the words of some dude I don't know but must be famous because I'm quoting him, 'Try everything once' – and, now that you mention it, that very episode (along with now overly-mentioned movie), is what got me thinking about this story.
Helen-of-Troy-7: Indeed!
tommyginger: Your message was both sweet, flattering and just a tad emo all the same – I loved it!
The Goddamn Dark Knight: Side-effects of said game may include zombie-like behavior from staying up all night slaying actual zombies, fangirling over Alistair, Cole and Varric (to name but a few…), and finally, wasting time contemplating the interior of your castle while you should be paying attention to the test paper in front of you… It may or may not be sad to say that I don't regret a single, friggin' minute of it :D
Guest: …Eh… it was Christmas and I was lazy? Sorry!
Delta808th: Since the Amazons weren't essential for the chapter, I left them out – but don't worry, they're still there. And… despite the weird way our last PM ended, thank you for giving me that kick in the rear for actually working on this chapter. Really.
Animecartoongirl: I hope this met every one (or, at least some) of your expectations.
Happy Clam: Not sure what to make of the first part. Oh, wait – that was a song? I'll have to take a listen to it sometimes. I'm glad you like this, though!
Veritas1995: …Didn't get a response. I take it as a no, then?
Darksider555: He and Donna were a couple for real? Ha! I so called that one! And yes, don't worry about it, there is a reason why I put Kyle in this (it's all in the planning, you see). Relax, he'll pop up frequently in the last part of this story, I promise.
Wonderwomanbatmanfan: Sorry!
StraightedgeWingZero: I'mma gonna tell you a secret *whispers* Yes. Yes she did ;3
Guest (or, Hamanth): First off, I'm thrilled that you like my story, and secondly, I do hope you got at least some of the answers in the chapter above, but, I am truly sorry to say that, despite my love for this story, my life is getting frightfully busy, and since this is my third and very important year of university, I'm afraid that I'm probably going to have to spend less time in front of my computer and more time hitting the books. Hard. Don't worry though, I'm planning on finishing Bridezillas this year with a bang of which the likes this site has never seen before.
Angryhen: Again – try everything at least once :3
mbembet: Thank you! But… now that you mention it, and, it kills me to admit this, I actually do have an idea for a story about the 'other' pairing… not that I'm planning on working on that while I have my other stories, of course. Besides, WonderBats forever!
Urazz: That was the intention, good reader. I hope you liked it!
tung98bill: Yes, yes, I know I should update more often.
…
…
…
…I can picture the looks on all your faces right now, and I would probably not be wrong if a lot of you want my hide or are making that ever classic 'WTF?' face (oh, how I love that face…mmm…).
Now, I'm guessing a lot of you are wondering why I ended the chapter the way I did. Honestly, there wasn't more I really wanted to say and I needed a clean break because, let's face it, I'm over 7000 words in this chapter already AND! You know how, in the Hangover movies there is always a scene right at the end where the guys discover the full extent of their screw up?
…
…Yeah. The next chapter be one of those, m'dears. Don't worry, I'm in the middle of that one right now, so you shouldn't wait that long… I think. I'm going to aim for this weekend, okay?
Until next time,
GoddessofDawn out