Chapter 21

My Bag of Secrets

Anne Taylor- Thank you for understanding, and you'll see!

Oxlifexo- Thank you, I wasn't sure at first if it was too cheesy or if people would like it or not. I'm glad you did though!

Luv it123- Thank you! And thanks for understanding.

Nikki Lakes- Oh it's a song too? I didn't that. Awesome! Yes, were all doing okay, thank you.

Sendicard- He was just sort of shocked at first.

Yeah! An update! Thank you all so so much for reading and for reviewing.

And five days later, they released me. I found out Cheyenne had signed me up to start seeing a counselor. Great. Not that I have anything against counselors, I just prefer that I didn't have to go to one.

Fang hung out with me a lot at the hospital, he missed four days of school and his mom was pissed. She grounded him -which he ignored- and got his phone taken away- he didn't really seem to care- and got into plenty of fights with her. He didn't seem to care at all though, he just wanted to stay with me, make sure I was okay.

And I am doing okay I guess, I can't move my fingers on my left hand, but the doctors say I should be able to regain use of it through physical therapy.

Nudge stayed with me a lot too. She went to school two days to take some tests and get caught up, but besides that she's be here.

I'm dreading school. All the make up work. And I'm not sure what people will do. I doubt they know, but some how they may have found out. And the whole Abby thing, has that burnt out or is everyone still talking about it?

The thoughts came and made sense, but I didn't really care what might happen, my thoughts held no fear. I mean, big whoop if they think I'm some crazy chick. Maybe I am. Who knows?

One of the days Nudge had gone to school, Fang and I had gone for a walk. I was so tired of being he hospital room and just wanted to leave, go somewhere and move around.

Fang and I were walking down the sidewalk it was cold and there was still snow on the ground, but the sun was streaming in through the bare branches of the trees making the world seem happier somehow.

Fang was walking close to me, our legs occasionally brushing. I think he still feels sorry, even though I forgave him. I bet he thinks it was all his fault I wound up here, and I may have thought that at first too but I thought it over (boy, did I have time to think in here) and really it wasn't his fault. He might be able to take a little of the blame but Ben and Abby and Dad and the letter and school and just everything was built up, and it just kind of exploded in my face and I did the only thing I knew how to handle the pain by.

So I felt Fang was staying with me and staying close by me was another way for him to apologize.

Anyway, Ben and Cheyenne haven't said anything about the incident directly to me or talked about Ben blowing up, but I have a feeling when we get back to the house, three of us are to have a long conversation. More like two of them I mean. I haven't talked since I woke up in the hospital. I'm pretty sure if I tried to talk I could, but I like not talking. People can only ask yes or no questions, straight to the point. And it's just feels better that way for me, I mean. I wondered why I haven't tried not talk before. To my dad maybe it could've helped, but I also could have gotten beat for not answering him.

But back to Ben, he's kept his dissentiences in the hospital and hasn't said much to me. I guess it's okay for now, but how long will it last?

So here we are, about two minutes away from home. I didn't want to listen to anyone, just go to my bed and curl up with Rodger and fall asleep. I hadn't seen him in about ten days and I missed him terribly.

Cheyenne pulled into the snowy driveway and parked the car.

"We're here," she announced.

Everyone climbed out of the car Nudge right next to me, a bag of my stuff slung across her shoulder, her arms out stretched as if I might fall.

We went into the house and Total scampered up to the door, barking. He wagged his tail when we saw us.

Cheyenne gave me a tight hug, "I'm so very glad you're home, Max. Please don't ever do anything like that again." She whispered.

When she let go, Nudge took her place, then Gazzy.

Ben also stepped forward and wrapping me in a hug. I felt my body stiffen and stood there awkwardly.

Ben stepped back and cleared his throat, "Max, could Cheyenne and I have a word with you upstairs?" I nodded and Nudge shot me a worried look.

As I went up the stairs, the railing felt comforting and the same. The same railing I had touched thousands of times before.

As I reached the top step, I heard Cheyenne hiss at Ben, "She just got home! We should let her settle in before we talk with her."

I entered my room and went straight to my bed, kicking my sneakers off. I curled up in a ball and brought Rodger to my chest burring my face in his soft head.

A few minutes later there was a knock on my door. I quickly sat up and held Rodger tight in my hands.

Ben and Cheyenne entered.

My fear spiked. How was this conversation going to go? Where they going to ask about my cutting? About Dad? Was it going to get emotional?

"Hi, Max," Cheyenne said. She came and sat next to me on the bed, her had resting on my leg.

Ben stood in front of us.

"I'm so glad you're okay Max," Cheyenne started, "If anything had happened…" She shook her head.

"On that day, Max, Nudge told us what that girl Abby had said to you. And Fang also told us the same thing later. When the principal called and told me what happened, she must have not heard the whole story. She just told me you beat up some girl. And when I got home I just couldn't believe that you would do that. I'm sorry for blowing up like that and not listening to what you had to say. I shouldn't have done that and I never want to see you look so afraid of me again. I'm sorry."

I nodded.

"You forgive me?" He said, surprised.

I nodded again.

"Fang also told us he came up here and you guys had a fight that was what all the screaming was, and he thought the fight might've been what maybe you…" Cheyenne trailed off.

I just looked at the floor not wanting to talk about this. I brought Rodger closer to my chest.

"The doctors told us you had done it other times too. A lot." She sounded upset, I didn't look up though.

"When did you start cutting?" Ben asked, bluntly.

I shrugged.

"Here?"

I shook my head.

"Your dad's?"

I shook my head.

They were quiet when Cheyenne offered, "The transfer house?"

I nodded once, not wanting to make much movement.

"Did you start cutting because of Edgar?" Ben asked.

The use of his name made me gasp, everyone just called him, "your dad". The name shocked me and I felt my eyes widen, "Yes," I whispered almost ineligibly.

I heard Ben and Cheyenne gasp in return of the use of my voice. Cheyenne rubbed my leg reassuringly, but the questioning continued.

I told them some things about my mom how she had given me Rodger. How my grandma had left. How my dad used to be nice. I even told them I was only ten when my dad started raping me. They may have already known this but it was different when I told them, like I was admitting to it.

Of course I hadn't just open my bag of secrets and spilled them all out onto the table, they had asked first but, I still wasn't comfortable talking about them, though.

When they left, they asked if I wanted to come downstairs and eat dinner. I had said no, blaming it on fatigue.

After they left I sat curled up in a ball clutching Rodger. I felt broken. Talking about everything had summoned up fears I wasn't ready to feel right now. It was coming in waves all the despair and sadness. I couldn't take it.

I craved for the sharpness of a blame. The shiny glint. The sweet pain it brought making everything go away. But I couldn't move it was like I was detached from my body.

I must have fallen asleep in the pit of my despair because when I woke up, tears were streaming and images from my dream were still flashing through my brain. I sat up and opened my nightstand and tried to find the blade. It wasn't there. I turned my lamp on and searched through the drawer for my sweet relief.