Chapter twenty-one – Guilt
Legolas opened his mouth to call something sharply the second Kirion's eyes fell shut once more, but stopped himself just before he could make a sound. Kirion's breathing had already deepened, but there were small movements, small twitches that indicated he wasn't unconscious, but rather sleeping deeply.
Time seemed to freeze for a while as he stared at his little brother. He hadn't recognized him… Kirion hadn't known where he was or who he was… Maybe he was just confused from waking up, but the reality was that his head wound had been serious… others had lost their memories from such a wound…
He reached out with a slightly trembling hand and caressed Kirion's cheek. After staying for a while and realizing that nothing was going to happen, Legolas stood up from Kirion's bedside and pressed a kiss against his forehead before walking out of the door and into the hall. He walked through them quickly until he stood before the door that led into the room that had been assigned to Elrond.
Foregoing knocking, Legolas opened the door silently and walked in. The room was slightly lit from the silvery moonlight that shone in through the window. This meant that he was able to see Elrond as he lay on the large bed in the middle of the room. The healer was sleeping peacefully, his eyes open but unfocussed.
His footsteps were silent as he walked across the room and sat down on his bedside. He could feel Vilya attempting even more forcefully to create a connection to his spirit. It seemed that after he had connected with the rings they had become more familiar with him and therefore hungered after the connection even more.
He reached out and placed his hand on Elrond's arm. Immediately the healer's eyes focused and moved over to his. Elrond looked curious and more than a little worried about why he was in his room.
"Legolas?" He asked softly, "What are you doing here? Don't you know what time it is? Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I'm sorry." Legolas responded, "I didn't wish to wake it is just… Kirion woke up for half a minute."
Immediately, Elrond was alert and he sat up in the bed. "What? Are you sure?"
"Completely." Legolas chuckled, but then slowly he grew serious once more, "He didn't know where he was nor who he was looking at. His eyes showing both his confusion and his fear."
Elrond's eyes sharpened and he threw side the covers before standing up from the bed. Legolas did the same. "Go wake your father and then meet me in the healing ward, he will without a doubt want to know about this." Elrond said, "I will check Kirion myself."
Legolas nodded. They followed each other into the hall but afterwards went in two different directions.
The crack under the door to his father's rooms showed nothing but darkness as he passed into the Royal wing. He walked up to the door and opened it, walking into his father's sitting room and further into his large bedroom. Thranduil was sleeping beneath the wine red covers, his chest rising evenly with every breath and his eyes unfocussed.
Legolas sat down beside his father and reached out to touch his shoulder. Immediately, Thranduil's eyes focused and he looked over at him.
"Legolas?" Thranduil muttered, "What's wrong?"
"I had a nightmare." Legolas answered softly, "and when I woke up I thought that something was wrong with Kirion so I went to check on him. He was still unconscious and nothing had happened but after I had been there for a while he started to wake up."
Thranduil's expression had lost all traces of tiredness and his eyes had sharpened. Slowly, he sat up on the bed.
"He was awake for a few seconds but he was very confused and didn't seem to recognize where he was or who I was. When he fell asleep once more I hurried to wake Elrond. He's checking him now but he wants us to come down."
Thranduil nodded and quickly got up from the bed. His eyes both showed his anxiety and his joy as he hurriedly threw a robe over his nightclothes. Legolas followed him as he began rushing down the hallways, intent on getting to his second son as quickly as possible.
Elrond was sitting by Kirion's bedside when they entered the room. He had his fingers on his pulse but looked up and let go when they came in. Thranduil immediately strode all the way up to the bed and stroked Kirion's hair with his hand, his eyes almost begging him to wake up once more.
"He's not quite back to his unconscious state but he is sleeping deeply." Elrond said, a small smile on his lips. "It seems that he will be all right after all. From now on we will be keeping better watch over him because he will slowly begin to wake up for longer and longer periods of time."
Thranduil's lips formed a relieved smile and he bent down to place a kiss against Kirion's forehead.
"What about his memories?" Legolas asked softly.
"I have no way of assessing that when he's sleeping." Elrond sighed, "There is a possibility that the reason he didn't remember where he was or who you were was because he was confused and disorientated, but I think that you should also prepare yourselves for the possibility that the blow caused him to lose his memories, whether it be temporary or perpetual."
"He's going to be all right." Thranduil whispered, "That's what's important."
Elrond nodded at this and got to his feet. "I'll send someone in to watch him for the rest of the night."
"No."
Elrond looked back at Thranduil. "I've slept enough." The King continued, "I'll stay with him and watch over him for the rest of the night."
Elrond frowned at this. "It's not likely that he's going to wake up again so soon after waking up the first time. You need rest Thranduil."
"I can't leave him." Thranduil responded and looked at Elrond with fierce eyes. "Whether he wakes up or not, I can't leave him tonight. He is my son."
A brief smile appeared on Elrond's lips and he rolled his eyes, giving up on trying to get Thranduil to sleep. He turned his eyes from the King to Legolas and felt worry tingle in his stomach. There were faint shadows beneath Legolas' eyes despite how long it had been since the siege and even though the rankness of his back and the calmness in his eyes still showed his strength it was clear that he was weighed down by grief and maybe even sleepless nights. The very fact that Legolas had told him that very evening that he had had a nightmare caused alarm to spark inside Elrond. What if this was not the first night?
"Come Legolas…" Elrond said softly, "You at least need sleep. I know that Glorfindel first returned from your room late."
Thranduil looked at his eldest son at those words and Elrond saw him taking in the same signs as he had just done himself. He got up from Kirion's bedside and wrapped his arms around Legolas, not saying anything but holding his son tightly and conveying all the comfort he possibly could. Legolas didn't say anything either but Elrond could see him close his eyes.
"Get some sleep Legolas." Thranduil whispered and then pulled back, briefly looking into Legolas' eyes but then nodding and allowing Elrond to lead him out of the room.
As they walked through the quiet hallways, Elrond asked softly, "Have you been sleeping properly Legolas?"
"I don't want to talk about this Elrond." Legolas answered, his voice was collected but Elrond could see that there was something swirling beneath the glass barrier in his icy blue eyes. He also knew that Legolas would never ask him for help even if he needed it.
Elrond walked for a moment without saying anything but couldn't ignore the urge in his stomach. "I'm sorry that I couldn't save her Legolas…" He said and stopped walking. Legolas stopped as well and looked at him. "I'm sorry that I couldn't save your baby. By the time I arrived it was already too late."
"ELROND!" The voice bellowed once more, this time not even bothering with his formal title something that the elf the voice belonged to wasn't known for doing.
He skidded around the corridor and was met with the sight of Húron holding the body of Faneth in his arms, running in his direction. Húron's eyes were wide already but relief flooded them when he saw him.
"What happened?!" Elrond asked rushed as he hurried up to Faneth and placed his fingers on her pulse and his other hand her forehead.
"She just collapsed." Glorfindel gasped, coming up beside them, "I don't know what happened."
Faneth's heart rate was slow and weak and her breathing was just as bad. He barely noticed as Húron opened his mouth to say something but not having the words as he transferred Faneth to his own arms. Immediately, his arm grazed something moist on Faneth's dress around her thighs. His brows furrowed and he touched the spot before extending his arm from underneath her. As he gazed upon his hand he saw the blood coating it.
"She is pregnant." Húron finally choked.
Elrond jerked his eyes to Húron's briefly before snapping into action. He laid Faneth down on the floor and centered his hands on her abdomen, trying desperately to discern whether or not the baby was still there. He could feel an extremely weak aura, already flickering and dying as he touched it. In a desperate attempt he tried to push his energy into the little life but since it wasn't compatible with the baby, who was so young that she could only recognize and accept energy from her parents, his efforts were in vain.
The life slipped out under his very fingers, snuffing just like a candle.
The healer inside him forced him not to think about the fact that it was Legolas and Faneth's baby who had just been lost. Instead he immediately turned to the next patient, Faneth. Even though she was unconscious he could already feel grief started to such at what little was left of her strength.
He placed his hand on her forehead and her chest and closed his eyes once more, channeling his energy into Faneth instead.
"I know that you did everything you could…" Legolas responded wearily, "I saw Faneth's memories and I know you. You would have done everything in your power."
Elrond pulled air deep into his lungs, he didn't feel any better after hearing this and he suspected that nothing would make him feel better about the incident because he knew how much hurt it was causing his friend. "It wasn't your fault either." Elrond said, "From what I've heard you did everything in your power to keep your family safe. You couldn't have known that everything was going to happen as it did."
"…I could have gone with her." Legolas whispered after a moment of hesitation, "I could have gone with her if I hadn't chosen Mirkwood over her. I could have been there to help her with the baby and I could have kept them safe myself, but I chose my kingdom over my loved ones."
"If you had done that then you would also have had to leave Hithel, Kirion, and your father behind as well as your Kingdom… Do they not count as loved ones also? They needed you here." Elrond said softly.
"And Faneth needed me with her."
"If you had gone it is highly possible that the barrier would have fallen. Having to sustain Faneth and the baby while giving energy to a barrier that was so far away and was being attacked so frequently would have depleted you. You have to-"
"Don't Elrond." Legolas whispered forcefully, his voice cracking slightly at the end, "Please …just don't." He walked on without glancing at the frozen healer, millions of thoughts swirling around inside his head.
The hallways passed quickly and soon he found himself in front of the door to his and Faneth's sitting room. The door made no sound to break the silence as he walked inside the dark room. He moved over to his desk and found a set of matches to light a candle and then walked around the room and lit more until the room was lit with a soft glow.
He really shouldn't have treated Elrond like that… He shouldn't have just dismissed him when he had been trying to help… His emotions had come slightly out of control because of his tiredness but that was no excuse.
He plopped down on the couch and let his head fall into his hands, massaging his temples slowly with his thumbs. A headache had been growing behind his forehead since he had awoken from the nightmare. He viewed that it was one of the great downsides to having the ability that he did. Frequent headaches which strength grew with how run down he was.
Did he truly feel that it was his fault that Faneth had lost the baby? Was placing the Kingdom of Mirkwood higher than Faneth, Maliel, and the baby the right thing to do? He had done that so often… too often.
The faint sound of a door being opened made him lift his head from his hands and look up. The door to Maliel's bedroom had opened and she was standing in the opening, looking slightly bedraggled. Her sky blue eyes were squinting at him, not accustomed to the light yet.
"Ada?" Maliel mumbled tiredly.
"Go back to sleep Princess." Legolas said softly to her, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Maliel squinted at him for a little longer and then nodded before going back into her room. She returned to the door opening a minute later with a pillow and the covers in her arms. On the way to the couch she collected a pouch from the cabinet drawer and placed it on the table before him. Then she let herself fall down onto the couch, pillowing her head in his lap and spreading the covers over herself.
Legolas chuckled at the action and watched as she made herself comfortable before placed his hand on her forehead and smoothing it down over her auburn hair. "I don't recall inviting you." He said softly.
"I invited myself." Maliel mumbled. After a minute of letting him smooth his hand over her hair, she opened her eyes and looked at him once more. "You really should take one Ada."
Legolas sighed in response but nevertheless reached out and took the pouch off the table. He undid the fastening and took out one of the dried leaves inside before placing it in his mouth with an expression of dislike and chewing reluctantly. Afterwards he put the pouch back on the table and lifted an eyebrow to his daughter as if asking 'are you satisfied now?'.
She ignored his look and instead whispered, "Your headaches are getting worse aren't they Ada…?"
Legolas took a few moments to smooth his hand over her hair, beginning to feel the pain relieving herbs taking away some of the ache. "It's all right." He then answered calmly, "My head will go back to normal once everything is settled once more."
"Once what is settled?" Maliel asked, "Ada the barrier hasn't been attacked since that day, the day where you scared Nana so badly and almost faded from my mind… Why would you have a need to use your powers?"
Of course he had realized that the barrier hadn't been attacked since he had almost given up against Dol Guldur before suddenly turning the whole battle around and chasing Sauron back to his roots and attacking him there. It seemed that his actions had been enough to make him back off and lick his wounds for a while. It hadn't given him much relief though because the training necessary to master the three rings was even more straining.
This of course was the reason he couldn't answer his own daughter's question…
"Maliel," Legolas spoke softly, "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you Ada. What-?"
Legolas placed his finger against her lips. "Then trust me with this." He said softly, "Trust me with the fact that I have everything under control and that I would tell you whatever it is I'm doing if I had the choice. I know that you have been searching for information and that you have gotten Elrohir to ask his father and his grandmother, but what you're seeking isn't safe for you to know."
"But Glorfindel knows…" Maliel said stubbornly, "I see the way he looks at you… It's the same as how Elrond looks at you, full of sadness and anxiety. Recently the air between him and Lady Galadriel has also been icier than normal. I know that you're in danger somehow that's the only explanation to his behavior."
"Maliel… please." Legolas breathed tiredly.
Her sky blue eyes continued to glare into his, eyes that looked so much like his own. Beneath her thin layer of anger he could see fear in their depths and sure enough soon water started collecting to tears in the corners of her eyes. Barely, did he give them time to run down the side of her face before he reached out and wiped then gently away with a thumb.
"Everything's going to be all right." Legolas comforted her softly, "…After everything is over we'll go to Rivendell and we'll stay there for a whole year in peace… When you're ready I'll walk you up an aisle of flowers and your mother will be standing on the sideline shedding tears because she can't believe how fast you've grown and how beautiful you look." He captured more tears. "Elrohir will be standing there looking happier than ever …even if he does cast a fearful glance in my direction every once in a while."
Maliel gave a choked laugh at this. "You're making all of this up…" She whispered.
"I make a lot of things up," Legolas whispered back, "but that doesn't make it unreachable. I find that to reach a destination you have to imagine it first."
She sniffled before nodding dully and subtly inching closer to him. He started stroking her hair once more, knowing that even if she didn't say anything she needed his comfort. Leaning his head back against the back of the couch, he thought about everything to come and everything that had already happened… He couldn't deny that what Elrond had said had hit too closely, had hurt too much…
"I should have come with you."
The words escaped him before he even realized what he was doing. It seemed that mouth formed them without his permission. They were breathed, so quiet that they almost couldn't be heard, but they were there and he knew Maliel had heard them. His daughter had heard them, the same daughter that he was trying not to worry. His hand stilled in Maliel's hair and he blinked his eyes back into focus to find her already looking at him concerned.
"It wasn't your fault."
If there was one moment where he cursed the fact that she had his perception it was now. He found his throat oddly constricted and could therefore only look at her.
"You couldn't have come to Rivendell with us Ada." She continued softly, "Granddad needed you and so did everyone else. Nana said that you wouldn't be you if you didn't put your people's safety before your own, Ada. She loves you… I love you… We love you… It wasn't your fault."
He was only hurting his family more by holding the feelings of guilt… but even if he knew this a small part of him was holding on to the feeling and he knew that he was going to carry it for the rest of his life and in some strange way that was all right with him. He was keeping their baby alive inside himself.
Legolas leaned forward and kissed Maliel on the forehead. "I love you too, both of my girls." He said softly, "Try to sleep Princess." He reached down and lifted the covers up over her nose.
She glared at him but nevertheless turned onto her side and got comfortable. As minutes went by she began blinking sluggishly until her eyes closed and then opened with a glazed expression.
He kept running his fingers through her curly auburn hair and listened to her slow breathing as she wandered through the paths of dreams. Before he knew it he too was nodding off, his cheek coming to lie against the back of the couch and his eyes losing their focus.
The next thing he knew the sound of someone shushing another broke through his dreams and made him come back to reality. A blink forced his eyes into a lazy focus and he lifted his head off of the back of the couch to look towards the door. Faneth was holding the door open for Elrohir who was standing in the doorway. Both of them turned their heads towards him when they saw him wake up. It was then that he realized that Maliel was still sleeping on his lap, air escaping her slowly and steadily and her eyes unfocused.
When he turned his eyes back to his wife he found that she was smiling gently. From the way she was dressed it was obvious that she had been up and about for a while without him noticing and sure enough when he looked out the window the sun was high in the sky. He must have been more tired than he had realized and being up half the night had clearly worsened that exhaustion.
Now that he was awake, Faneth and his minds connected more collectedly than when he had been sleeping and as a result she saw everything that happened last night, the nightmare, Kirion waking up, and his talk with Maliel. He kept nothing from her just as he knew that she would never keep anything from him. Faneth's eyes grew both sad and happy at what she saw.
She walked over to him and leaned over Maliel so she could kiss him gently. Afterwards she smiled to him and said, "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
"As a rock." Legolas responded softly, "How about you?"
"I must admit that I was this close from kicking you when I found out that your side of the bed was empty this morning," Faneth whispered, "but you redeemed yourself because I found you sleeping here with Maliel. Elrohir wants to speak with you."
Legolas nodded and Faneth helped him move Maliel so that he could get to his feet. It truly was a miracle that their daughter was such a deep sleeper; she just slept right through being moved and losing her pillow.
Legolas gave Faneth a tight hug before moving over to where Elrohir was standing in the doorway.
"What is it?" He asked gently.
"I'm sorry Legolas, I didn't think that you were still sleeping." Elrohir said, but Legolas made a dismissive gesture. "There are a lot of things that need to be seen to if we are going to be ready to fight in four days and I don't think we can go on for much longer without having you with us."
"I understand." Legolas responded, "I'll be down in half an hour." Elrohir nodded his head and turned to leave but Legolas said, "Elrohir?" He turned once more. "Do you know where my father is?"
Elrohir chuckled at this. "He has turned Kirion's room in the healing ward into his own private office and is doing paperwork there. He is strictly not to be disturbed unless it is a matter of life and death, handing over leadership to the joined forces of Húron and a very reluctant Lord Coston until you woke up."
The corners of Legolas' mouth twitched in amusement at this answer. He nodded to Elrohir and waited for the twin to turn around and start walking away before he closed the door and turned back to Faneth.
His wife had sat down in one of the armchairs, she had been looking at Maliel until he closed the door and diverted her attention to him once more. He could still see a faint bleakness in her eyes and therefore walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly for a long while.
As he drew back to look at her, she smiled to him gently and leaned forward to give him a kiss before saying, "I'll order up some breakfast while you bathe."
"Thank you." He answered softly, gazing at her for a moment more before straightening and giving her a smile. Then he walked from their sitting room to their bedroom to get a set of clothes from the closet. When he came back Faneth had left to order up some breakfast so he walked straight into the bathroom and ran water into the pool.
As he turned from the pool he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and stilled, walking over towards it. He could still see faint signs that he had lost a lot of weight from being in the dungeons with little to no food followed by the stress thereafter. Other than this his eyes were of a slightly darker blue than his natural icy shade.
With a sigh he began unlacing the neckline of his loose dark blue sleeping tunic until he could pull it over his head and throw it onto the bench. Relatively short and white scars were scattered on his torso, bearing testimony to the wounds inflicted by Amath during the siege. All of them had closed up by now but there were still very much visible on his chest and gave a sharp, sudden pain when he stretched too far.
His eyes focused solely on the scars on his chest, almost everything else blurred and stopped. Slowly his fingers found their way up to the mark hidden beneath everything else, tracing the circular mark and the 'T' inside almost leisurely before becoming more rough …more violent.
A loud crack slapped him back into reality and he shook his head roughly before snapping his head towards the sound. Faneth was moving towards him from the doorway, gazing worriedly at him.
For a second he couldn't wrap his head around what was worrying her but when he looked back into the mirror he could se a drop of blood falling from the scratches on what was left of the brand. Even as he watched it closed up once more and no more blood fell from it.
Faneth wrapped her arms tightly around him. "It's all right," she whispered.
O
He just drew the last letter of his could be hundredth signature when there was a small sound from the bed. Immediately, Thranduil's head snapped up and his eyes trained in on his youngest child. He laid the paper down on the desk he had asked someone to move into the room and stood up, walking over to Kirion's bed.
"Elrond." He said softly, hoping the healer could hear him because there was no way he would disturb his son by saying anything louder than that. Fortunately the healer walked into the room shortly after, when he saw him standing by the bed he walked over and measured Kirion's pulse before nodding in confirmation to Thranduil.
Seeing this, the King sat down on Kirion's bedside and gently brushed his hand over his son's hair. "Kirion?" He called gently, "Are you awake? …Can you open your eyes for me?" He waited silently for a few moments before repeating himself, this time he was awarded with a low murmur from his youngest. It was impossible to hear if he was trying to tell him something.
"Everything's going to be all right." Thranduil continued in a soft voice, "Can you try to open your eyes for me?" Elrond walked over and drew the curtains so the room was bathed in a comfortable darkness.
"Kirion, wake up for me please…" Thranduil whispered, holding Kirion's hand tightly and kissing it before closing his eyes, praying.
A slightly louder moan came from Kirion's mouth Thranduil turned his attention back to coaxing his son back to life. It seemed like an eternity before he was finally rewarded with foggy, green eyes. Kirion blinked sluggishly while his eyes moved muddled around the room until they landed on Thranduil.
"Hey there." Thranduil whispered, placing the palm of his hand against the side of Kirion's face. "You're going to be just fine. Don't worry."
Thranduil could see the confusion in his child's expression and his emerald eyes. Kirion opened and closed his mouth a few times but was unable to get anything out.
"It's all right." Thranduil said softly, "Don't try to say anything, you were hurt quite badly."
Not heeding his father's orders Kirion opened his mouth once more and this time he was able to croak the word. "…A…da."
Immediately, Thranduil stilled. He gazed wide-eyed at Kirion for a moment but the leaned forward and gathered his son in the hug he hadn't dared give him earlier because he hadn't wanted to frighten him. Kirion made an attempt to hug him back but he was too weak after being unconscious for so long.
"My son." Thranduil whispered, kissing Kirion's blond hair, "My son." It was a while before he could force himself to draw back and restrain himself to only caressing Kirion's hair and holding his hand.
"Wh…at hap…nd…?" Kirion mumbled with difficulty.
"Do you remember going out to fight?" Thranduil asked gently. Kirion shook his head in response, alarm in his eyes. "How about the dungeons?" Kirion hesitated for a while before nodding slowly, telling Thranduil that those memories were somewhat hazy.
Suddenly, Kirion's eyes widened and snapped around the room. Because of his alarm his breathing started to speed up and that resulted in him not being able to say anything even as he tried.
"Shh…" Thranduil shushed him and placed his hands on either side of Kirion's face, keeping it in place so that he could look him in the eyes. "Everything's all right, calm your breathing. Would I be this calm if anything was wrong?"
"L…" Kirion tried once more the second his breathing was more or less under control. "Le…"
"Legolas?" Thranduil guessed softly. Kirion nodded jerkily. "Legolas is all right as well. Don't you remember him being here the first time you woke up?" He got a firm shake as an answer. "He's in the courtyard right now, taking care of a few things but he'll be so glad to know that you've woken up."
At this point Kirion was beginning to blink sluggishly once more, clearly not recuperated enough to be away for longer periods of time. Thranduil continued brushing his hand over Kirion's hair even as he started to fall asleep.
When his eyes finally fell shut and his breathing evened, Thranduil turned his eyes to Elrond who was still standing by the side and watching. The healer met his eyes and then stepped forward.
"He seems to be healing well." Elrond said, "His long term memory doesn't seem affected by the coma and perhaps his memory of staying in the dungeons will come back as he recovers. His ability to speak is reduced but I've seen it before and it usually only takes a bit of practice before it's up and running again. You'll probably also find that he has some difficulties with coordination and probably other things related to movement. Hopefully everything can be improved over time."
Thranduil nodded slowly while turning his eyes back to his son.