I am having an EXTREMELY hard time writing right now. Major case of writer's block. I suppose I had it coming. I got through 24 chapters relatively quickly. I'm praying to the writing gods that it passes quickly and some inspiration comes. Maybe my muse just wanted a little summer vacation.

Anywho, thank you all so much for your reviews! I love each and every one! Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter as much as the previous :)

"When is this gonna stop, Pipes?" Alex asked with sadness in her eyes. "When are we going to stop lying and seeking revenge and just fucking hurting each other?" She sat down beside Piper on her bunk. It had been two weeks since Alex had returned to Litchfield and the pair had been avoiding each other like the plague. Alex was still angry, but had had plenty of time to cool down. Although she did still punch the occasional wall.

"God I hope soon." Piper chuckled sadly, tucking something under her pillow.

Alex nodded and let out a long, slow breath. She looked over at Piper and reached over, grabbing whatever it was Piper was trying to hide under her pillow. "You kept these?" She asked, pulling out the pile of letters she'd sent Piper when she had been out.

"Of course I did." Piper said. "I mean I didn't read them for a while. Well, I read the one on Valentine's Day that's how I got your number, but..." She trailed off. "I read them after." She'd been too hurt by Alex's betrayal to read them when they'd originally arrived, Alex knew. If the roles had been reversed she wouldn't have read them either. "They smelled like you."

Alex smiled. "I sprayed them with that perfume of mine you always loved."

Piper smiled. "I know."

"So, cards on the table." Alex began repeating a conversation they'd had before on a similar bunk. "I'm a ruthless pragmatist who sold you out and then lied about it. . . Then I told you to lie at the trial while I took a deal to tell the truth that let me out." Piper gave Alex a look. "And I got a gun while on probation when I told you I'd stay away from illegal shit." Piper continued to stare at the brunette. "And I was planning on skipping town."

Piper gave Alex a slight nod. "And I'm an emotionally manipulative narcissist who bailed on you when your mother died." She began. "And then I started up whatever...thing we had in here only to choose someone else and leave you again. Then I ratted you out to your PO so that you would be thrown back in here."

"We suck." Alex said, repeating her earlier words to the blonde months ago. "We can't keep going around on this fucking merry-go-round."

"I know." Piper agreed. "But what do we do?"

Alex sighed and leaned back against the wall. "I wish I knew." She shook her head. "I am so angry with you Piper. I don't . . . Honestly I don't even want to be talking to you right now."

Piper slowly nodded and looked away. She more than deserved that. "So why are you?"

"It's been two weeks." Alex shrugged. She had never been one to hold a grudge. But Piper had really hurt her so she had needed some time to think and process everything. Not to mention grieve the loss of her freedom. She had been trying so hard to make something of herself since getting out of prison and now here she was back at square one. "What was it you said before? . . I love you and I fucking hate you?"

Piper nodded sadly. "Yeah."

"And Nicky told me I had to."

"Yeah." Piper's started with a chuckle. "She does that."

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa Vause!" Nicky said, running up to Alex and grabbing hold of her arm to stop her from punching the wall. She didn't release Alex until she got the brunette sitting down away from the wall. "What is it with you and walls?"

Alex winced as she cradled her wounded hand.

"Better a wall than Chapman's face." Nicky joked.

Alex shook her head. "I don't know what to do Nicky. How can you hate someone and be so fucking in love with them at the same time?"

"I don't know." Nicky sighed. "The heart is a complicated thing my friend." Nicky lied. She knew exactly what it was like to hate someone yet love them at the same time. "But what I do know," She began as she pulled a chair over. "Is that you need to talk to her."

Alex shook her head. "No."

"What good is punching a wall doing?"

"It makes me feel better." Alex said with a slight smirk. She knew she sounded like a child.

"Now Alex...we need to use our words." Nicky joked. If Alex was going to act like a child she would talk to her like one. "Seriously though, talk to her. Nothing is going to be solved by breaking your hand. Maybe you talk and realize you can't fix things. Or maybe you talk and do manage to somehow, by the grace of god, fix this clusterfuck of a relationship. Whatever the case, you need to talk to her. Nothing is going to be accomplished by punching walls. It's been two weeks. I know it is killing you not talking her. You spent months apart when you couldn't see her and now she is right here and you're choosing not to? Get over your shit and talk to your girlfriend."

"I know I was doing a lot at once out there." Alex began again after she took a moment to calm herself. "But I wasted so much of my life. I wanted to make up for it. I wanted to have something to show for all this work I was doing. I needed to have something to show for myself before I turned fucking forty! I was doing this for you - for us Piper! And you took that from me!" She looked over at Piper with an unreadable expression on her face. She was angrier at Piper than she had ever been. And rightfully so, but another part of her had to fight off a smile whenever she saw the blonde's face or heard her voice or they accidentally brushed past one another. She was happy to be with Piper again but incredibly hurt by the betrayal. "Sometimes I'm so happy to turn a corner and see your face or hear your voice, but others-"

"But others those same sights and sounds make you want to scream." Piper finished. She knew exactly what Alex was feeling. She had been there when she first learned Alex was the reason she was in prison. "I know."

Alex nodded and held her hand out for Piper to see. Her knuckles were bruised and bloody. "I punched a wall. A few walls."

Piper took Alex's hand in her own and placed a soft kiss on the swollen knuckles. There was nothing she could say to make anything better between them. It was her fault. If only she had had her change of heart before she betrayed the love of her life. She had realized too late what kind of person she was. "I wish I could go back and change things Al, but I can't. All I can say is how sorry I am. I had no right to mess with your freedom like this. To take it away completely...it was cruel. And you're right. I was jealous. I was jealous you were out and I wasn't. I was jealous you were out there making something of yourself while I sat in here. I was jealous I was missing out on everything with you. I was angry at the whole situation. I was scared for you. I. . . ." She trailed off. There weren't any words that she hadn't already said. "I fucked up."

Piper looked around the room as she waited for the doctor to finish up the paperwork she was working on. She had never seen this doctor before. She had never seen a point to it. She didn't have any psychiatric issues. She wasn't depressed or anxious, well, she was, but not to the level where she thought she needed medication. But she was hurting that much was clear. And she was lashing out and hurting the people close to her. Piper didn't think that she needed medication, but she definitely needed some tools to deal with her feelings.

"So Piper," The doctor began. "You've been here for a while now and this is the first time I've seen you. Is there something that has changed in your personal life? Or have things finally hit you?"

Piper looked across at the doctor. She wasn't sure if she could help with the issues Piper was having, but she was serious about turning over a new leaf and needed some help. Even if the doctor only gave her some ideas on how to change her behavior. "I keep hurting the people close to me."

"How so?"

Piper sighed. This is why she didn't go to therapy. She hated all the self examination. It was emotionally painful. "I cheated on my fiancé; with the woman I've been in love with for the past ten years. I told the love of my life I chose someone else. I've been lashing out at Nicky and she doesn't deserve that. I had my best friend call Alex's PO and now she's back here."

The doctor was silent as she tried to jot all of that down. She took a breath and looked up at Piper. "I hear a lot of "I" statements here. Do you think about anyone else before you do these things?" Piper shook her head. "Do you think at all before you did any of these things?"

Piper shook her head again. "Not really. Well," She thought a moment. "When I told Alex that I chose Larry I thought about how with him I could go back to my life before I came in here. Back to my home, my friends...With Alex, although I feel so much more for her than I ever did Larry, everything would be different."

"Different bad or different good?"

Piper shrugged. "Just different."

"So you were scared?" Piper nodded and the doctor wrote a few more things on her pad of yellow paper. "It's very common for prison to make every feeling you have worse. Anger, fear, and for those feelings to override your rational mind and make you act in ways you normally wouldn't if you weren't in prison. But, you are in prison, so we need to get you some tools to deal with these feelings and hopefully stop you from these kinds of behaviors. So, let's pick an incident here." She looked back through her notes. "When you had your friend call the probation officer, what were you scared of then?"

"Alex said she was skipping town."

"So she was going to leave you?" Piper nodded. "Did you tell anyone about your feelings?"

"Alex visited me and told me what she was planning to do."

"Yes, but did you tell her how you were feeling?"

"I told her that she was all I had left."

The doctor slowly nodded. "So no?"

"No." Piper shook her head.

"What did you tell her?"

"Basically, to fuck off. I knew nothing I said was going to change her mind."

"So you didn't even try. And then what happened?"

"I made that call to Polly and I snapped at Nicky."

She took a few more notes then set her notepad aside and looked at Piper. "I'm sure this seems far too basic, but I think your issue, aside from the narcissism and fear or abandonment which are different issues, is that you bottle things up. You push your feelings aside and let them fester and grow until they explode."

Piper chuckled. "I'm a Chapman. It's what we do."

"Maybe. But you're also someone who is pushing those closest to you away. And who chooses things that you don't necessarily want, but that are safe."

Piper nodded. She hadn't expected much by seeing this doctor. It wasn't that she had anything against her, but she knew everyone else within the prison system half assed things at best and had expected the same of the shrink. But the woman seemed to really know her stuff and want to help. "How do I change?"

"I'm not sure if our loving each other is all that matters anymore." Alex looked down at their joined hands and shook her head. "I really wish I knew what to do here Piper."

Piper nodded in agreement. "Me too."

"I need some time." Alex finally spoke up.

Piper looked up sadly, quickly wiping the tear that fell from her eye. "Okay." There was no argument from her. She deserved whatever Alex asked of her. Then she thought back to her session with the psychiatrist about bottling her feelings. "What does this mean for us? Are we still together?"

Alex looked at Piper with the same sad expression on her face. "I don't know."

"Can we still talk? Can I see you? I mean-"

Alex silenced Piper by bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. She pulled back and gently wiped the tears from the blonde's face. "I'll see ya around kid."