"Have you seen Liv yet and been to the hospital"
"I'll see her today" his voice rough wanting to leave of all people to meet he had to meet Amaro the holier than now partner
"She needs you now, don't abandon her for one stupid mistake" was that begging in his voice
"Maybe she should of thought of that before sleeping with Porter" was the high and righteous ground going to make him feel any better, was it to try to make him feel ok about what he did
"You've never slept with someone else, she was drugged for fucks sake Cassidy, I always knew you were an arse and jerk but over this" he could feel his voice rising "she didn't know what she was doing" he exploded
Could he use that excuse with Kerry, I didn't know what I was doing, she seduced me and fucked me senseless I had no control over it "look I have to go"
"For some reason that only Liv knows she started going out with you, whilst you slept with a prostitute, yet she still wanted you"
"At least I didn't get her pregnant, Carissa and I were in a relationship before I met Liv again, you slept with the sister of your target and had a child with her, you think you're better than me Amaro?" he challenged him "We've both done things in the past, you'd forgive Maria or Cynthia just like that if you found out they slept with someone else drugged or not"
He could see he had hit some nerve with his comment "I thought so"
He could feel Amaro's eyes on him looking at him closely too closely, could he tell he just threw his clothes back on, that they were ripped off, all he wanted to do was go inside, have a shower get rid of all evidence, get rid of everything "I'll see you in a few, go and visit Liv, you've always had a thing for her"
Watching as Cassidy walked towards his room, there was something about him he didn't know what, but his cop instinct was kicking in "you just getting home?"
"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk"
He knew his answer was plausible but he didn't believe it "all night in your work clothes" his voice was accusing
"it was the thing I had thrown on the chair" moving closer to Amaro "just come out and say what you're thinking"
"nothing" his eyes not moving from Cassidy, would he actually cheat on Olivia, he knew how much they loved each other, that was before he heard about Dean Porter would he actually do something to get to her
"Cassidy just don't do something you'll regret later on" calling out why was he trying to help that jerk, the same reason as before because for some reason Olivia loved him
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The water tumbling over him he had no idea how long he had been in the shower for the water now luke warm some indication his hands against the wall, each time he closed his eyes he was back to the previous night thrusting inside of Kerry, how he spilled inside of her, how many times did he actually fuck her, oral sex, anal sex was there any type he didn't have, why that question he could not answer. Was it payback to Olivia she didn't deserve it or him.
Punching the wall of the shower, blood now spilling down his hand, the pain he felt there it was something, he wanted to feel something other than guilt. The shower had washed away all evidence of the night before, how well did he trust Kerry "you should of thought of that before you fucked her" he mused to himself
Would she tell Olivia, would she tell anyone his eyes moving up to the mirror "Cassidy you are a jerk, you really don't deserve Olivia, you know she wouldn't sleep with Dean, you do, after what she's been through she needs you"
Cradling his head in his hand the tears fell down his face he had betrayed the woman he loved in the worse possible way, would she ever trust him again, would she forgive him, would she actually want to have anything to do with him.
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The shock on Kerry's face as she hung up her mobile, not after everything Olivia couldn't die now.
Quickly throwing on her clothes she had to go and find Cassidy, his phone still turned off.
The knocking on his door was incessant and wasn't going to stop and he opened it with the towel tied around his waist the water glistening in his hair still, dripping down his chest. He could even feel the smirk on Kerry's face as her eyes moved up and down his body.
"Kerry not now" he said as he went to close the door, her foot blocking it
"Brian, its Olivia can I come in"
"What about Liv" has asked worriedly as he opened the door for her
"They have been trying to get onto you, she took a turn for the worse"
"She's ok now" Brian said his chest tightening
"They did a CT scan an found bleeding on the brain and internal bleeding and rushed her to theatre. They are operating on her now"
Brian walked over to the chair his body falling onto it, his head onto his hands, "She's going to be ok she has to be' he said quietly
Kerry could feel the guilt that he was feeling, the fact that the past few hours he had been in her bed fucking her senseless instead of at the hospital. She tentatively walked over to him, gently putting her hand on his shoulder "She's going to be ok Brian"
He flung her hand off his shoulder getting off the chair facing her "you don't know that, I should have been at the hospital but no I wasn't instead I was with you" he yelled
"I know …. just get dressed and I'll drive you to the hospital" Kerry said calmly as he just stared at her neither hearing Nick opening the door, his eyes moving to both of them.
"Is everything ok here" Nick asked trying to figure out what was going, Brian with a towel wrapped around him glaring at Kerry, not for the first time that night wondering if something was going on between them.
"What do you want Nick" Brian snapped at him
"Liv…. You need to get to the hospital"
"Thanks Nick, the hospital just called I'll take him when he's ready" Kerry said firmly
"I'm going there now," his eyes moving back between both of them, as much as he didn't like or trust Brian he wouldn't go there not while Olivia was in hospital and just found.
"Kerry I'll find my own way there now" Brian said to her walking away from her to the bedroom
"Brian" she said exasperated "its quicker if I get you there and I have to go there anyway now with the case"
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The ride to the hospital was short, his eyes looking out the window, the shower washed away the night before but it would never erase it all his mind replaying it over and over again he never thought he would of cheated on Olivia. He could feel Kerry's eyes worriedly on him every now and then "She is in the best hands here Brian"
"it just shouldn't of happened"
His eyes down towards the floor of the car he was ashamed of his actions, disgusted with himself that he had acted on them, why that one word kept going over in his mind WHY!
The one thing he did know for the time being he had to keep it to himself, Olivia had been hurt enough without the betrayal from him, he had to trust that Kerry would keep this to herself.
"you need to pull yourself together Brian, I'm not going to tell anyone" the look on any of her team or anyone if they found out she had slept with Brian, the boyfriend of the victim, she had as much to lose as him.
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He had walked into her room early hours of the morning, begging and pleading with the nurse after she had been operated on.
The nurse relented knowing the NYPD was her family and her boyfriend, he didn't want her to be by herself. "she shouldn't be by herself after this ….. just this once" she ended up saying probably wondering why it was him and not her boyfriend.
He held her hand tentatively stroking it talking gently to her, could he hear her, he didn't want her to be by herself if she woke up with strangers around her
The only sound was the nurse coming in to check on her "how is she, really" he asked his voice full of concern and worry
"The operation they think went well, she is still in a very critical condition. She's been through a very traumatic experience, she's been put in a coma for the next 24 to 48 hours or so to help her recover"
Lying his head on the bed next to her, wondering, hoping that she might wake up that Olivia would be ok looking at her lying in the hospital bed looking so fragile against the white stark sheets. He would never forget the site of seeing her there ingrained into him the pain that she was in, what he had inflicted on her, but her eyes he would never forget the look on her face ever, even seeing her lying on the bed sleeping as peacefully as she could she was a shell of her former self
His eyes were full of worry he was used to Olivia fighting not giving up even after Lewis when he visited her she was still strong.
"You have to fight Liv, don't give up not now, not after you have survived this, I need you Liv I don't want another partner, SVU needs you we all need you, don't give this bastard the satisfaction of him winning Liv" his voice soft choking back the tears
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Sitting in the lounge in ICU he saw Amaro with Olivia, he needed a moment to himself to try to comprehend how all of this was happening he couldn't. Could he be strong enough again to help her through it I slept with Dean it worked he had walked out on her, left her alone like she knew he would, how she pushed him away again, would she ever open up to him.
How could he explain to Don, Fin to anyone why he wasn't with Olivia last night, how could he explain to himself what had happened, he had to see her the fact was he was in love with her and believed her.
"Cassidy" Nick called out
"how is she. Is she awake?" Brian hated asking Nick anything.
"no, she is still sleeping she's in an induced coma, to help her" why was he the one telling her boyfriend all of this, yet again Brian Cassidy was proving he didn't deserve his partner
"Brian Cassidy" he heard his name again, coming out of his trance he saw one of the doctors walking up to him, motioning him over to a corner away from everything
"The operation went well" the doctor started as Brian noticed Don and Fin arrive motioning them over to him
"Sorry doctor, these are her work colleagues" Brian apologised
"As I was saying, the operation went well, we did nearly lose her but she's a fighter. She had a massive bleed on the brain and some internal bleeding. WE had to remove her spleen and their was a tear on her liver. She will be kept in an induced coma for 24 to 48 hours to give her brain and body a rest. Her body has been through a very traumatic experience. The next 48 hours is critical if she pulls through the next 24 then its looking good. WE won't know if her brain activity was affected from the clot and bleed until we wake her up. But at the moment everything went as well as to be expected" Dr Edwards said to the group.
"you can visit her but don't stay too long and only one or two at a time" he said before leaving.
Brian felt slight relief at the what the doctor was saying, he knew Olivia was a fighter and wouldn't give up. He could feel the glare of Nick upon him as he started to walk towards Kerry's room in ICU.
"I know what you think of me Nick and yeah maybe I should have been here" the voice inside his head adding "instead of fucking Kerry" " I walked out on her, how would you feel if you girlfriend just told you she had slept with someone else"
"she wasn't thinking Cassidy, yet you still thought only of yourself not the ordeal she just went through and you left her all night, what did you do, go out and get yourself drunk, you sure didn't get up you were coming back home"
I went out got drunk, went back to Inspector's Vincent apartment and screwed her all night the voice in his head wanted to scream to get the know it all look off his face "Get over it Amaro, Olivia is never going to see you as anything other than her partner, yeah you care about her but get it in your head, She chose me we live together, I'm the one whom she goes home and screws, so what ever you think you know or think they're your dreams and fantasies and that's all they are"
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Don smiled as Kerry walked up to the group "Any News about Olivia?
"She's in a coma for the next 24 to 28 hours, the operation was a success so all we can do is wait." Fin said to the Inspector
"If only we found her sooner" was the same sentence that Kerry had repeated to herself over and over again.
"I keep wondering if there was anything that I could of done that she could of be found sooner, if I missed any leads" she said quietly.
"Kerry, you did a wonderful job, you never gave up and you pushed and you found her, don't be so hard on yourself. If it wasn't for you and your team, she might never of been found" Don said realising if Sergeant Dickinson was in charge it would have been a different story.
"There still so much work to do, we still have to go through the videos, take still copies and get all the evidence we can to arrest those involved. It already looks like one has done a runner, but we have his phone tapped and his car details out. We will get them all" she replied confidently
"how are you going Kerry?" Don asked quietly he had heard what had happened to her
"I'll be fine, I just came to check on how Olivia was going, I better be going?"
"Brian, how is she" Fin called out as Cassidy walked into ICU, Kerry could feel his eyes on her. Even in the hospital she should have regrets of what happened but she didn't, she could still feel the way his hands moved down her body
"You can go in there Fin, I just need some fresh air" he managed to say. Watching the machines breathing for her, the memories of what he was doing as she was fighting for her life being operated on had become too much for him.
"its NYPD only Kerry, so thanks for coming" Brian said curtly to her
"I'm just leaving, take care Brian and give Olivia my best" she could feel his eyes burning a hole in her shirt as she walked away.
"Brian" Don reprimanded him "This has taken it's toll on Kerry too. She cares about Olivia too. Don't forget what happened to her a couple of days ago"
'Shit" he said to himself, he had totally forgetten he was the one who had driven her to the hospital, yet the next night he had sex with her without a thought for what she had been through
He saw her about to exit the hospital her head down "Kerry" he yelled out seeing the surprise in her eyes as she turned around seeing him hurrying towards her.
"Brian" the surprise in her voice but on guard
"I'm sorry Kerry, I totally forgot about the attack when I slept with you" he apologised
"I'm not letting that bastard ruin my sex life, shit happens Brian and the sex with you showed me that it hadn't affected me" the memories flooding back to her.
"Let's just forget it ever happened, it was a one night stand, something we both needed after everything that happened" Kerry said trying to smile at him.
"I feel like I took advantage of you" Brian stammered
"You didn't, I wanted it to happen, if I didn't I would of kicked you out" Kerry assured him
"I just want to be sure that…. You know" Brian said unaware that Nick was approaching them
"Olivia doesn't find out ….. I'm not going to tell Olivia or anyone" she promised.
"I just don't want her to be hurt anymore than she already is. I know she doesn't really know you but …"
"I would never do anything to hurt her she has been through enough. But to actually pretend you care about what had happened to me. That's low Cassidy, you're an ass" Kerry fumed
"I do….. I admit I fucked up last night sleeping with you and … I didn't mean" Brian stammered digging himself a bigger hole unaware that Nick was listening in.
"Brian we slipped up, but I wouldn't throw that in her face especially after what she has been through" she would never tell Olivia or anyone, she would be judged as well knowing full well that Olivia was involved with Brian and had been raped continuous for the past week, what sort of person would sleep with her boyfriend.
Kerry turned away from Brian, nearly walking into Nick and Josh who was livid "I ….." how could she explain to them
"No" Nick didn't want to hear any excuse from either of them as he walked over to Brian who hadn't seen him or know he or Josh was there. Nick tapped him on the shoulder and when Brian turned around his fist went flying into his face knocking him off balance.
"How could you" he yelled out to both of them
"What the hell, what's your problem?" Brian yelled at Nick, rubbing his chin.
"What's my problem? Liv had been gone a week, she's now back and you have a dummy spit all because she slept with Dean Porter. I knew something was up, but I never thought that you Kerry would sleep with Brian" Nick yelled at both of them
"Nick, calm down a bit or go outside if you want to yell" Josh said trying to diffuse the situation.
"Kerry gets raped and you take advantage of her and Liv" Nick said fuming
"He didn't take advantage of me, and I wish people would stop it about the being raped" Kerry yelled getting in between them both with Josh.
"you defending him, you think it's ok what you both did?" Nick said incredibly
"I'm not defending him but we had a moment of bad judgement, it's not just Brian's fault. I knew what we were doing I don't have to explain myself to you or anybody. What happened happened, it's too late now. But Olivia has been hurt enough, she doesn't need to know about this, especially not at the moment" Kerry warned Nick
"Alright I'm sorry and I'm not going to say anything, but I think Brian should. He's an ass and the guy is a dick, and thinks with his dick only"
"Liv doesn't need any of this, just put it aside" Josh reprimanded them as they all agreed
"I'm going back to Olivia" Brian said moving away from them all his eyes briefly meeting with Kerry.
Kerry closed her eyes slowly opening them, shit, she didn't want anyone finding out especially her team "Why are you here Josh?"
"You're needed back at base to go through the videos and creating still shots. Lawson, Leon and Inspector Curtis and Lambert from Darwin have come down to go through them all? You need a lift?"
Shaking her head, her hair flying around her head "I'll meet you back at base shortly"
"I'm not going to tell anyone Kerry, what you do …." Josh promised his boss
Her smile was quick to him and grateful "It was stupid, so stupid" she muttered
"it takes two to Tango Kerry, its not just you"
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