In Paridisum
Silent Dagger: ::gasp:: time has gone by so quickly! There are only ten chapters left of the story, I shall be sure to tie up all the loose ends and just want to thank everyone who has stayed with it so long. I love you all! Oh and if anyone ever feels like hitting up my myspace, the url is in my profile
SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT!!
Nusku:Teehee yes he did! Thanks for the fabulous review and the wonderful cake, Mello appreciates the cake too.
Demonlifehealer:Poor L is just all distraught over everything right now lol. Don't worry, Misa's not out yet.
Wierdchick:He just couldn't really control himself, but yeah that was a mistake on his part. LMAO omg, I love you for saying that!
Pareidolia:Yeah, Light threw his entire philosophy out the window in that chapter all for L, which is cute in a really, really sad way.
Dark-cinderella:Misa is far too in love with Light to ever consider that, which is sad, it would release her from being a servant. Thanks for the support!
Unsolvedenigma:Thank you I was a little afraid that Light would appear too out of character in that chapter, but I think it worked out. ::sighs:: it is too bad about the two, but there is still many things to happen.
MysteriousPenname:Thanks! Yeah, I actually felt bad for Light when I wrote that chapter.
Gaaras-Left-Hand-Man:Aww Misa needs to learn to just think for herself, poor thing. Haha yes, Mello is the true genius! I'll try and update sooner so you don't have to wait so long! And don't be too sure about no more steamy sex ;) Don't worry about writing too much, I like long reviews
Eli: Yeah, I definitely feel bad for Light this time. L is better than all three combined!!
Black.is.the.new.blood:::dies of laughter:: Ohhh my god, your review has just made my night! Heh heh you will see what happens lol
Sarah Havoc: Yeah for squeeing lol Sorry for giving you withdrawals ::pats her head:: and yes, poor L and Light I feel so badly for them! And hooray for myspace!
Xenia Marvolo: Thank you very much!
Zagirad:You speak English well enough for me Thank you for the wonderful review, I love encouragement, it really keeps me going.
Shiroyuki004:I'm always one for supporting made up words and snazzle is awesome so it's all good lol.
Kitsune-grl:Yeah not a huge fan of Misa myself but I actually did feel bad for her this chapter. Umm how about you slam Near's head against the desk instead since he's the one responsible instead of hurting yourself, yeah? Hmm I think I'd be with Kira to an extent, but yeah, definitely hide your face from the TV. I'm glad you're enjoying it so much, thanks for the review!
xXToxicXAddictionXx:Yes, this chapter was rather sad…and err this chapter is also rather sad…Oops. But I swear it won't be completely tragic!!
Shadow-of-a-Demon:Hooray I did!! Sorry it took so long for this chapter! Yeah, I felt bad for Misa and for Light because he was just so, so upset. Thank you very much for the wonderful encouragement.
Sioen:Umm ::hands you a tissue:: Sorry if I make you cry!
Kamichiro Eris: Thanks for your continual support, it means a lot! I know things seem pretty down right now, and they're probably going to stay that way for a while, but I'm not really one for complete tragedies.
ReidMorgan:Aww yeah, poor Light he was so, so sad. Yeah, originally I was planning on making them sort of fall apart completely, but I figured after everything they shared they couldn't just not love each other. Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it so much!
Triangles:Mello is totally a pimp, just look at his fashion sense, I would totally see him as a pimp. And I will definitely make it to chapter 30.
SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll: First of all, I LOVE your name lol. And I am in awe of your review! Thank you, thank you, thank you::hugs:: I really appreciate the support!
LightofaThousandSuns: Thank you very much. Unfortunately there is no reunion in this chapter. Glad you like it!
DomWit: Wahh I don't want you to die!! Update, update, update!!!! Lol thank you for the compliment and sorry it took me a while to update the story.
Sarah Havoc: It was a mixture of both. Thank you very much for the offer (I sent you a friend request on myspace). It's been a bit stressful lately and then I was at a friend's for a while so I didn't have time to really write.
Kuroi Kitty: Yeah, it's like…in the world's best interest for Near to let L go back to Light. Thanks for the review!
Chapter Twenty One: Death is the Road to Awe
A ghost white hand reached up, delicate fingers holding a tress of snow white hair and twirling it slowly about the digits, white on white, the color of innocence. The absence of color, the absence of emotion. For though he was just a child he was hardened and he was determined to follow his beliefs no matter what they forced him to do. Near was sitting with Matt and Mello again. They were seated at the table, but he was on the floor, one leg drawn to his chest, the other stretched out. In his hands was an action figure which he was playing with absent-mindedly as the ever present sound of crunching chocolate pervaded the air.
"So…what do we do?" Mello asked.
"That which we must do," Near replied coldly.
"What…just go after Yagami?" Mello sneered.
"No…" Near said. "Being an accomplice to a criminal is a crime…doing so with Kira is almost another matter entirely."
Mello's eyes widened a bit, catching on instantly to what Near was about to do. He stood up, hardly aware that Matt's eyes were focused on him, as if willing him to calm down so he wouldn't have to step in.
"You bastard, Near," Mello growled. "This is L, world's top detective; do you honestly think he's with Kira?"
Near frowned but chose not to even grace Mello with his dark-eyed gaze. His eyes were still locked to the toy in his hand. "Not in the way you concluded," he finally replied. "However, it is clear he knows something vital that will allow us to destroy Kira and withholding that information is helping Kira which is not allowed."
Mello's expression darkened, a sure sign he was brewing with emotions, but Near hardly spared him a glance before turning back to his toy. To conclude that Near was happy about what had to be done would be going too far. He was actually rather indifferent about the matter. Yes, he respected L and he knew that the man was brilliant, but Near did not play games like this. He would not allow anyone to prevent him from catching Kira even if it was his predecessor.
"We don't have the right to threaten him," Mello growled.
"Why? Would you rather do nothing and allow Kira free reign?" Near asked.
Mello's hands clenched into fists. Near knew how much it must be annoying him, to be working with Near in the first place was a huge blow to the blonde's pride, being constantly shut down was probably even worse. However, Near was not interested in their rivalry at the moment, all he was concerned about was catching Kira and ending this game of cat and mouse once and for all. He had almost everything he needed, he just had to get L to say something and if L refused well…Near would take the necessary measures to ensure that he won.
"What do you suggest then?" Mello asked in the most scathing voice he could muster, which probably would have seriously insulted anyone else though Near was used to it and simply brushed it off.
"We talk to L of course," he said, laying his toy on the ground and standing up.
Mello glanced at Matt who only shrugged. Near already knew, their hands were tied, they could not argue with his reasoning. He made his way to the room where L had taken to locking himself away and knew the others would follow. Sure enough, as he was turning the door handle he heard their footsteps coming down the hall.
The room was dimly lit, just the desk lamp was on and the blinds were drawn. Near spotted L instantly. He was sitting at the desk in his usual position, biting his thumbnail thoughtfully, his eyes filled with distance. Obviously he was thinking about something though it mattered little to Near. What mattered was what he had to say and how L would respond.
"L," Near said simply.
L did not move the hand from his mouth, but his dark eyes shifted from the wall to Near's face. Near looked right back at him. The world's most famous detective, the best of the century. The one who had solved over 3,500 difficult cases, never really getting involved until the number of murders grew too serious or if a million dollars was at stake. A man who had waged war with other detectives, always coming out victorious, claiming their names for his own. The man that Near was expected to replace should anything happen to him. He knew that it was him, he was more capable than Mello, whose emotions really did get in the way of his judgment, and Matt wasn't even in the running in his mind.
"What is it?" L asked, pulling Near out of his thoughts.
"Tell us what you know about Kira," Near said. He was never one for beating about the bush. It was a waste of time; he wanted answers so he was going to ask the questions needed to get them. "We know you know something that you haven't been telling us."
L continued looking at him. Even Near found the gaze a bit disconcerting. It was hard to stare down L, the infinite knowledge inside that head impressed even him and though he felt no remorse in such an accusation, he found that he actually felt mildly discomforted by the look he was receiving now.
"You assume too much," L replied.
"No," Near said firmly. "We know Yagami is Kira, just as you knew it the moment you started the case. We do not have the proper evidence to capture him, I know that you do."
L's black eyes narrowed dangerously. "Again you assume too much, Near."
Near had to hand it to him, if L did not want to talk he would not talk. Which was a pity because Near had rather been hoping he would not run into this problem. If L was going to protect Yagami (which made Mello's little joke about them being lovers suddenly seem more plausible) then Near was just going to have to lay it out straight.
"You know being an accomplice is as bad as being the criminal, L," Near replied. "When dealing with Kira, accomplices must be dealt with accordingly. Kira has killed millions of people, protecting him means giving yourself to the embrace of death."
L's expression did not change in the slightest. It made Near feel somewhat cheated. He hadn't expected the man to suddenly agree to everything, but it did not even look like what he had said fazed him in the least. L had always known about the dangers of his job, however, Near had never really thought of him as someone who would die to protect someone else. L knew how important his preservation was. Without L, crime would erupt all over the world and even though he had his successors, there was only one L and Near knew no one could ever replace him.
Near could hear Mello shifting his weight from foot to foot. He really wasn't comfortable with this. Then again, Mello had always cared more about L than Near had. To Near, L was just L…but Mello being himself probably saw him more as a person than Near ever had. He continued to stare at L, not letting any of his emotion show in his face.
"I am not assuming, L, I know that you know something about Light Yagami and I know Light Yagami is Kira…therefore you are protecting a mass murderer and will suffer the consequences," Near said coldly.
L said nothing. Was he thinking about it now? Probably, but Near had a feeling that he wasn't going to tell him. A pity really, he never would have thought L would choose this as his ending.
"Very well…" Near sighed.
He turned and headed out of the room.
……………………………………………………………………………………………...
L watched as Near walked out of the room. He should have just told him the truth, he knew that it was the right thing to do, it was the path of justice and that was a path L had been following since he was only eight years old. But he couldn't, every time he thought about Light, he couldn't see Kira, he could just see Light and all he could remember was the time they shared when they had been happy. It was beyond frustrating, he wished he could just shut out everything but it wasn't possible, not even for him.
"L."
He had hardly noticed that Mello and Matt had stayed behind. Mello was now looking at him imploringly.
"L, Near is serious," Mello said.
"Yes I know," L replied casually.
"Are you really willing to die to protect Kira?" Mello asked.
"It is not about protecting Kira," L answered.
Mello looked at Matt and Matt nodded, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. Mello said nothing for a moment, as though waiting for Matt to leave the hallway as well. Finally, after a long pause, Mello crossed the room and sat at the edge of the bed.
"You're in love with Light Yagami, aren't you?" Mello suddenly asked.
L didn't say anything for a while. A part of him wanted to deny that, to tell Mello that he was over thinking things, but he couldn't. So instead, he just nodded his head slowly, only once, just an affirmative to Mello's question.
Mello's eyes narrowed. "Why? How could you fall in love with someone like that?" he hissed. "He's a murderer, L, worse than any other person you've ever dealt with."
"Yes, I know," L replied.
"Then why?" Mello demanded.
"Because there is another side to him that he has shown me, and I have fallen in love with that person," L answered.
"Is he worth dying for?" Mello snarled. "Near may not have enough evidence right now to lock him up, but he will soon. Whether you tell him or not he will figure it out and you will die for nothing!"
L shook his head. "I don't expect you to understand, Mello," he whispered.
Mello stood up and glared at him. "Fine, die for Kira, why should I care?" he snapped, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him.
L sighed, yes, he knew Mello would be upset. After all, Mello knew him better than Near and Matt. He sat in absolute silence for a minute, not even thinking about anything in particular and then his thoughts started to pervade his mind as they always did. He looked up at the ceiling. Death, he was facing death for Kira. The criminal he had been trying to stop for so long, the criminal that he swore he would beat. Why the hell was he acting so strange? He was L, he never let justice be beaten.
"Are you happy, Light? You've completely destroyed the man I was," he whispered.
Was L afraid to die? Not in particular. His life had been nothing but constant work and dedication; to him death would just be a break. His hard earned break from all of this evil. L was not a religious person by any means, though he did wonder if there was that mysterious 'life after death'. If there was, what would it be like? Would it be everything he dreamed of? He shook his head, he had never really dreamed of anything before, he was much too logical to waste time wondering about what death would be like.
However, now that he was faced with it, he could not help but think about it. Would it be how people described it? Would he head towards that bright, white light, stumble through it and find himself in a new world? Or would he simply cease to exist. His logical mind believed in the latter. Humans were just biological organisms. You never really heard about animals running wild in Heaven, no, when humans died that was probably it for them too.
It was almost a sad thought; L wasn't going to let it depress him. Still, he was a young man and the thought of being ripped from this world, especially by his successor, was not a pleasant feeling. Not only that, but his heart was starting to ache. He would never get to see Light again. He tried to tell himself that this was a good thing; he should not want to see Light ever again. Light was Kira and Kira was evil.
But it wouldn't leave him alone. He wanted to see Light, he wanted to be held in his arms again, and he wanted to just love him again. So no, L was not afraid of dying he was afraid of dying with regret and the only regret that he possibly had at this stage was the way things ended between him and Light. Things had been going so well and now it was over and he wouldn't even get to speak to him ever again. To just let him know that despite it all, he couldn't hate him that even now he still loved him even if it was now impossible for them to be together.
"I wonder…how would you react if you knew I was dead?" L asked.
As if on cue, the people living in the apartment above them turned on their TV. The volume was so loud that L could hear it. He tilted his head when he heard something about a mass killing. The reporter said something about famous actors being killed and then many innocent people collapsing of heart attacks. L's eyes widened, Light…he couldn't have killed those people! Was it possible? What had happened? Light was a firm believer that he was justice, that he would never kill an innocent person and yet this, this was an act of the devil. The volume was turned down and L could hear no more, but he did not need to hear anything else. Light had snapped, he had started killing innocent people and that was inexcusable!
And yet his heart still yearned for him. Why? Why did he still care? This act should have ended everything, should have destroyed whatever feelings L still had for the youth. But they didn't go away, in fact, a part of him, a hopeful part, was starting to think that Light had simply reacted because of him. Because he was gone Light could not channel his rage just at criminals, no, maybe not his rage…maybe his sorrow. L shook his head. No, that was a completely irrational way of thinking about it. Light would not go to such lengths for him…but then why would he throw away his philosophy so rashly? The people would be afraid of him if he kept this up and eventually they would bring Kira down.
Eventually, Light would be destroyed, now all that was left to wonder was would he be around to witness it?
He stood up and shuffled over to the window, peering out into the dense city of Tokyo. Would he be able to look upon this city for much longer? Well, the city didn't really matter to him; he supposed he was really thinking about whether he would be looking out over anything soon. He knew Near was serious, he hadn't needed Mello to tell him that. Near was like him, he would do what he had to in order to see justice prevail. He sighed and looked up at the sky.
Just for argument's sake…if there really was a heaven or something like that, what would it be like? Would he see himself leave his body and float on up into the sky? It sounded ridiculous. But where would he go if it was true? Would it be like some artist's interpretation in which everyone lived on fluffy white clouds and wore robes? If that were the case he'd rather just rot underneath the ground. But what if it was anything he wanted? What if it really was a paradise? What would it be like? Would Light be there?
No, Light would not be allowed in heaven. He looked at his reflection in the glass. Would he? L was no saint…then again, he did what he did in order to save people and rid the world of evil. Still, his methods were harsh, and that was putting it lightly, so he could not say for sure whether he would be allowed in or not. Perhaps he was fated to meet with Light in hell.
L closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool glass. He still wasn't frightened about the thought of dying. If there was something in store for him when his life left his body, he would embrace it. Would he go somewhere or would he simply wake up in a new place? And would it really be waking up? He'd be dead after all. You could not really have a life after death. No time would pass, nothing would change, he would remain the way he was forever. It wouldn't have been such a bad thought if he could have Light with him, if he could spend the rest of eternity with Light at his side. But again, Light would not join him here and there was nothing L could do to change that.
Go to hell and stay with him there or face eternity alone…
He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed. No, there was no point to thinking like this, it was unlike him, very unlike him and he was not keen on spending the rest of his life (which, judging Near's character would only be a few more days anyway) dwelling on such thoughts. He was L, he was the world's greatest detective, the least he could do was die as himself instead of some love struck fool.
Head towards the light when you see it…heh, that's not the light I'm looking for. I want my Light, I want to see him again.
He was not doing such a good job of not being the fool. However, being away from Light made him realize just how deeply he felt for the younger man. He really did love Light. It was sad in a way. L was not supposed to love anyone; he was supposed to stay out affairs such as these. L had gone his entire life without feeling desire for anyone. And then Light had to come in, brimming with confidence, matching L's wit easily, leaving all the others behind in their conversations. His first real challenge in a long time, how could he not rise to the bait?
Was he thinking about him right now? L was actually mildly surprised that he was even alive right now. He would have thought that Light would have written his name down the moment he found out he was gone. It seemed the sort of thing that Light would do. However, maybe he figured that Near was just waiting for that to happen and had taken his rage out on the unsuspecting masses instead. Did Light know that L hadn't simply escaped, that he had been taken from him? Well, truthfully L hadn't really fought with the other members of Wammy's house, but he certainly hadn't come up with the plan himself.
Light…L wanted him to be thinking of him. They could at least share one more thing before he was killed. Maybe their thoughts would be connected; maybe they would think of each other so strongly that in a way he would get to say his farewell to Light Yagami. He wanted to curse the youth and thank him at the same time. He wanted to destroy him and save him, he wanted to end him and to keep him going, he wanted nothing and everything for him.
If he couldn't say good bye the least he could do was say good bye in his thoughts. His eyes remained closed and he thought of Light and only Light. He thought about only the good times they had together, the fun and the love they had shared. He thought about the hope he had that everything really would work, he thought about when his heart accepted that he really loved Light, he thought about Light in his entirety. He thought about how much he had given to L and how much he appreciated every touch, every gesture, every smile, every look. He loved Light and he would always love Light, even when his life was taken, he would love Light. Whether he truly went to heaven or some other place or not, he would love Light.
Light…may you find true peace in this world. May you realize your errors and throw it all away. Run from here, Light, just run and don't turn back. Remember me, but don't dwell on me, start your life anew and leave this death behind you…
Silent Dagger: I know, I know, this chapter is quite short compared to the others but I felt like it would drag if I kept going on it.
Next Chapter: Light will stop at nothing to get L away from Near, Mello and Matt…even if it means claiming a life.