Apologize

by evitascarlett

As Kate finds herself getting back on solid ground in her relationship with Castle, her world gets turned upside down by an unexpected visitor. As emotions run high and danger lurks will she and Castle be able to stand together and become stronger or will their secrets and lies eventually tear them apart? AU Set after 4x22 Undead Again. Cover Art by LordofKavaka. Now Edited 9/2015.

21. Chapter 21 - Stay Part 1

Chapter 21 – Stay Part 1

'It's not much of a life you're living, it's not just something you take, it's given…Not sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way. I want you to stay.' – Rihanna

As Jim watched Johanna ice the cupcakes, he reached towards the bowl intent on swiping his finger into the confection but Johanna was quick and slapped his hand before pulling the bowl away from him.

"Hey," he said, "I just wanted a taste."

"These are for Katie," Johanna told him as she carefully spread the icing across her creations.

"What, I can't have any?"

She smiled at him. "Katie gets first dibs."

"Who says?"

"I do. She asked for them, she gets the first one; and then, if I think you deserve it, you may have one."

Jim grinned at her. "What do I have to do to deserve one?"

She smiled coyly. "It's no fun if I tell you."

He laughed. "What made Katie request cupcakes complete with Naomi's famous white icing?"

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she picked up another cupcake. "She had a bad morning."

Jim thought over that statement for a moment. "Did something happen? Something with the case?"

"No," she answered; a part of her reluctant to tell him about the work she and Kate had done the night before. After seeing Rick's reaction she feared getting a similar one from her husband.

"Something between the two of you?"

"She wouldn't have asked me to make her cupcakes if she was mad at me," she replied.

"Good point."

"As always."

He smirked at her. "It's still cute how you always think you're right."

Johanna laughed. "You'll be happy to know that I've revised my decision on the state of my rightness."

"Oh? What is it now?"

"After a lot of contemplation I've decided that I'm not right the 98% of the time I previously claimed….I'm only right about 75% of the time."

"I'd say 50%," he replied with a mischievous smile.

She glared playfully. "That, Mr. Beckett, is not a comment that will get you a cupcake."

"Is that a strike against me or just a warning?" he asked.

"I'll let it pass this time," she replied. "But the next one is going on record."

"Noted," he answered. "Now what's got Katie upset today."

"It's not a what," she told him. "It's a who."

Jim sighed. "Rick?"

Johanna nodded in response as she dipped her knife back into the bowl.

"Whose fault is it?"

"I wouldn't say it's anyone's fault really," she answered. "It's just one of those things."

"It's never just one of those things with Katie and Rick," he remarked. "Now what happened?"

"They had words."

"I gathered that much, what I haven't been told is, about what?"

"Work," she replied. "And that's all I'm saying."

He studied her for a moment. "You claiming mother-daughter confidentiality on this one?"

"Partially," she answered.

"Partially?"

Johanna laid her knife down for a moment and looked at him. "I was an unwilling witness to this disagreement."

"How?"

"I was in the room."

"Why didn't you leave the room?"

"I tried," she told him. "Katie wouldn't let me go, and he told me not to go and she was holding on to my wrist and I was stuck here."

"Why would they want you in the middle of their argument?"

"I don't know," she said. "I tried to go…believe me I didn't want to be involved."

"How bad was it?"

"Not too bad. Katie walked away before it went too far, but she was upset."

"Did she let you comfort her?"

"In a way."

"That's good," he commented.

"Don't say anything to her about it," she replied. "I don't want her to think I've been talking about her and sharing her business."

"I'll act like I don't know anything," he told her. "Chances are he's already brought her a cup of coffee and they're over it."

She glanced at him. "I don't know about that."

"Guess we'll find out," he replied; and then he took notice of her hands. He knew she'd been wearing her engagement ring but now he saw that her right hand now held that familiar emerald ring that had been a gift from her parents.

"What made you decide to start wearing that?" he asked, gesturing to the ring.

"Katie," she answered. "She told me to wear it because she's not fond of picking it up from the police station…and that my father wouldn't be happy with the thought that it had been stolen."

Jim smiled. "It's been a long time since you've wore only those rings. I still remember how afraid you were to take me to meet your father."

"I was trying to spare you as long as possible," she replied.

"But Frank issued his command," he laughed.

Johanna glanced at her rings and then back to Jim. "I remember."

"You were afraid he'd make me change my mind."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"I told you I wouldn't before we got there," he reminded her.

She smiled at him and let silence fall between them as he turned his attention to some article in the newspaper and her mind filled with the memory of that night her father had issued his demand to meet her fiancé.

"That's a beautiful ring," her mother said as the sparkle of Johanna's emerald cut diamond solitaire engagement ring caught her eye.

Johanna smiled as she glanced at it; one week later and she was still giddy. Happy, didn't even begin to describe the way she had been feeling ever since Jim had slipped that ring onto her finger.

"It is, isn't it?" she replied.

"Come over here and let me see it," her father demanded from his place at the table, where he sat drinking his coffee as they cleaned up after dinner.

She hesitated, as she always did whenever her father ordered her to do something, and she took a second to steel herself before she laid aside the dishtowel and moved back to the table, taking a seat across from him and extending her left hand towards him so he could examine her ring.

He put his glasses on, picked up her hand and held it up to his eye level and examined the stone from different angles and then assessed the gold band that it was set in.

"That must've cost him a pretty penny," he commented as he let go over her hand.

"She's worth it," Naomi stated.

As she looked at her father, who was still staring at her ring as her hand rested on the table, she couldn't help but feel that he disagreed. She moved to rejoin her mother but his gaze flicked back to her face.

"Sit down; I'm not done with you yet."

She dropped back into her chair, a feeling of dread in her stomach as she looked him in the eye.

"What do I know about this man?" Frank asked.

She sighed. "Dad, I've told you about Jim. I've known him for over three years, we work together, we've been friends, and we started dating six months ago."

"That doesn't tell me what kind of person he is," he remarked; his tone gruff and firm as it usually was whenever they had to speak of anything important to her.

"He's a good man," she answered. "He's kind, respectful, caring, honest; he's a hard worker, he's good at his job, he's responsible. He's good to me, he makes me happy, he loves me…I love him."

"Then why haven't you brought him around?" Frank demanded to know. "Are you ashamed of your family?"

"Of course not!" she exclaimed.

Her father gave her a hard look. "You damn well better not be, because if you're sitting there in your fancy clothes thinking you're above us let me assure you that you are sadly mistaken."

"I would never think that!" she replied; her defenses rising. "As for my clothes, I have to dress nicely for work. I can't go into a courtroom looking unprofessional."

"You can look professional without looking fancy," he declared waving a hand at her green silk blouse and her black fitted blazer that matched her skirt. "You probably paid more for that outfit then I've paid for half of your mother's wardrobe."

"It's my money, Dad; I work for it and what I spend it on is my business. I know how you hate to see money being spent on things that you consider to be frivolous but as long as it isn't yours don't worry about it. I would've changed clothes before coming over but I was running late."

"You're always running late," he accused. "You were even born late."

"I'm sorry," she answered.

"You still haven't answered my question."

"What question?"

"Why haven't you brought this boy around?"

She couldn't control the urge to roll her eyes. "First of all he's not a boy, he's a man; secondly I haven't brought him around because the opportunity hasn't presented itself and because you haven't asked me to. I'm not going to show up with him unannounced."

"Excuses, Johanna; it's always excuses with you."

"Leave her alone, Frank," Naomi interrupted. "I've met Jim, he's a nice young man."

"When have you met him?" he demanded to know.

"I've met him a few times when I was at Johanna's apartment."

Frank turned his cold gaze towards his daughter. "Is he living with you!"

"No!" she responded; it was true, Jim wasn't living with her…it was more like she was living with him on the weekends but if her father knew that he'd blow up for sure.

"You know in my day when a man wanted to marry a woman, he went and asked her father for her hand," he stated firmly as he eyed the diamond resting on her finger.

"That's old fashioned," she said.

"No, it's respectful!"

Johanna sighed. "The father isn't the one who has to marry the man, so really it shouldn't matter what he thinks."

Frank glared at her. "And that, Johanna; is just one more example of your stupidity."

It hurt but she was used to it. "He didn't ask your permission because he doesn't know you."

"Whose fault is that?" he asked tartly.

"Mine!" she shouted in frustration.

"Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady," Frank said in that low threatening tone that always struck fear into her heart as a child, and it still did scare her at times. She still remembered when she was 15 and had ran her mouth too much and gotten the back of his hand across her face for her trouble.

"I'm sorry," she muttered; although she wasn't.

"Don't lie to me," he retorted. "You're never sorry."

"Oh, believe me," Johanna replied, "There are times when I am." Which was true, she thought to herself, for instance she was sorry she had accepted this invitation to dinner.

"You bring him over here," Frank said as he pointed a finger at her.

"I will."

"Next Sunday," he demanded.

"I'll see if he can make it."

"Sunday, Johanna!"

She nodded as her stomach twisted into knots."We'll be here."

"You better be," he replied. "No one wants to see you married off more than I do but I'll be damned if I let you run off and do it without me checking this guy over. I'm not going to trust your judgment, you don't…"

"Have the sense god gave a goose," she said in unison with him.

"Well it's the truth," he bellowed.

"Now, Frank," Naomi interjected, "How can you say that? She's a lawyer; she's done well for herself."

"She has book smarts," Frank stated. "But she lacks common sense."

"She does not," Naomi countered as she ran a hand over Johanna's hair before taking a seat next to her.

"I guess that's why she broke her arm falling out of a tree," he remarked.

"I was five, Dad!" she exclaimed in frustration. "And I didn't fall, Frankie pushed me off the limb."

"You shouldn't have been up there in the first place!" he yelled back. "Little girls aren't supposed to climb trees, that's what boys do, you got what you deserved, only I'm the one who had to pay for it in the form of doctor bills!"

"Well I'm the one who's been afraid of heights ever since," she remarked tartly, "And personally I think Frankie should've gotten what he deserved for pushing me in the first place but you didn't say a word to him. As for the doctor bills, tell me how much it cost, I'm sure you probably remember, and I'll write you out a check and reimburse you for it. I wouldn't want it to be said that you had to pay for my stupidity."

Her father glared at her and she matched his stare as she stewed in anger and hurt.

"I don't want your money; I want you to exhibit some ability of having common sense for once in your life."

Johanna nodded. "I'll do that now," she said as she rose from her chair. "I'm leaving."

Frank scoffed. "Go ahead, Johanna; run away like you always do. Things get hard or little Johanna doesn't get her way she just up and runs, that's how it's always been. You were always the runaway."

"It's a shame I didn't keep on going," Johanna retorted; recalling her ill-fated attempt to run away from home when she was 12.

"Don't say that, Johanna," her mother said as she tried to quell the rising tensions. "Come sit back down and let's talk about something else. Frank, you leave her alone."

"God help the man that's decided to take her on for the rest of his life," Frank stated. "He probably has no idea what he's getting into."

She had her hand on the doorknob, ready to make her escape, but something bubbled up within her and she turned back towards her father.

"You know what the best thing about Jim is?" she asked. "He's nothing like you."

For once it seemed as though she had struck back with the right blow as Frank seemed to lose his composure for a moment and was at a loss for words.

"Why do you hate me?" she asked him. "What did I ever do to you besides being born?"

His eyes narrowed and his face hardened and he was up out of his chair and coming towards her before she could even blink. Naomi was trying to outrun him and put herself between them but she couldn't match Frank's stride and he was in Johanna's face before she even made it halfway across the room.

"Hate you!" he bellowed. "If I hated you I would've made your mother leave you on someone's doorstep, I wouldn't have fed and clothed you! I wouldn't have put you through law school! How dare you make that accusation!" he yelled as he poked her shoulder sharply with each statement.

"It's how you make me feel," she answered; the boldness she had felt slipping away.

"You and your damn feelings!" he berated. "You're nothing but an ungrateful selfish brat and you always have been! You are the worst of my children; sometimes I don't even know how it's possible that you're my blood!"

"Stop it, both of you," Naomi demanded as she pushed against Frank's shoulder forcing him out of Johanna's space.

She bit her lip, forcing herself not show any emotion and she turned towards her mother and kissed her cheek. "I'm going home," she told her.

"Call and let me know you got there safely," Naomi stated as she wrapped her arms around her in a brief embrace, no longer bothering to ask her to stay.

"I'll be fine, don't worry about it."

"You do as your mother says and call her. I won't have her up all night worrying about you," Frank said tersely.

"Fine," Johanna replied as she opened the door.

"And you be here Sunday with your fiancé," he ordered.

She looked over her shoulder at him, an ounce of defiance left in her. "Don't bet on it; I wouldn't come now if you begged me to," she said before slamming the door shut.

Johanna shook the memory away as she frosted the last cupcake. She had taken Jim home to meet her father that Sunday as she had been ordered to do, but only because her mother called almost everyday imploring her to, and Jim felt it was best to get it over with so she could stop worrying about it. It had been one of the longest dinners of her life and she had spent most of the time biting her tongue and watching the clock as Jim held his own with her father. She sighed as she looked across the table at her husband, who glanced up from the newspaper and smiled at her. She returned his smile and held out the cupcake she had just finished.

He looked at her with confusion and then grinned. "I thought I had to wait until Princess Katherine had hers first."

"I'm making an exception," Johanna replied.

"Why's that?"

"To thank you for still marrying me after meeting my father."

He accepted the cupcake from her hand. "You already thanked me for that."

"It bore repeating," Johanna replied.

He laughed and began to peel the cupcake paper away, but then he sat it down and pulled his wallet from his pocket and extracted a twenty dollar bill and held it out to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"That's to thank you for not divorcing me when my mother stayed with us for a week," Jim told her.

Johanna laughed and took the money. "It was touch and go there for awhile."

"I know," he answered. "You did a lot of baking that week…cupcakes, cookies, fudge, and when you worked your way up to making a pie from scratch, I knew it was only a matter of time before you left me or poisoned her."

"Thankfully neither of those events took place," she replied. "Although I may have briefly entertained the notion of poisoning her."

He laughed and then picked up his cupcake and took a bite.

"Still good?" she asked.

He nodded. "As always."

---

By the time Kate came home from work she was still feeling bothered about the disagreement she had with Castle that morning. She hoped her mother had made those cupcakes because she was craving one, and a part of her was even willing to admit that she wanted to soak up the comfort of being with her mother.

She walked into the kitchen, the smell of dinner cooking filling the air as she made her greetings to her parents, who exchanged glances about the look on her face and the mood it conveyed, and then her eyes caught sight of the tray of cupcakes sitting on the counter and she smiled.

"Oh good, you made them," she said as she reached for one.

"Shouldn't you wait until after dinner?" Johanna asked. "It'll be done in a minute."

Kate shook her head. "No, I've been waiting for this all day," she said before peeling back the paper and biting into it.

Her mother smirked at her but said nothing as she began to fill plates with the dinner she had prepared. Kate finished off her cupcake and her eyes were drawn back to the tray and she counted them.

"You ate one without me," she accused as she accepted the plate her mother held out towards her.

"I did not, your father did."

Kate looked to Jim who grinned at her. "Who said he got first dibs?"

"I had to let him have one," Johanna told her.

"Why?"

"Because he married me," she answered.

"So," she remarked, "I asked for them, that's not fair."

"Now you know where you rank in the scheme of things, Katie," Jim teased; hoping to lighten her mood.

She glared at him in amusement. "I'm still the boss here."

"Says who?" he asked.

She plucked the badge from her waistband and held it up. "The NYPD."

"That's fine," he said as they all settled into their places at the table, "But when this is all over we're going back to the days when I was the boss of this family."

Kate looked to Johanna and they both laughed. "What day was that?" Kate asked.

"Shh," Johanna said, "Don't tell him."

"What are you two getting at?" he asked. "Are you saying I wasn't the boss?"

"I always thought that was common knowledge," Kate replied.

"Then who was?" he asked her.

Her gaze flicked towards Johanna and his followed. His wife smiled at him and reached out and patted his hand. "It's alright, honey; you remember it any way you want."

Kate laughed at the expression on his face. "Come on, Dad; you know she was the boss."

"That's just what I let her think," Jim replied.

Johanna laughed and turned her attention to Kate. "How was your day?"

"Fine."

"What brought on the need for cupcakes?" Jim asked, letting on as though Johanna had told him nothing.

"I just wanted one," she replied.

He eyed her. "I know that look on your face, what did Rick do this time?"

"Let's not talk about me and Rick," she answered. "Let's talk about you."

"What about me?"

She shrugged. "Has Melanie dropped by to see you lately?" she asked as the thought of that conversation she had with her at Macy's entered her mind.

Jim's fork slipped from his grasp and clattered against the plate, his gaze automatically snapping to his wife's face to gauge her reaction to that question. Johanna was watching him intently, a brow raised inquisitively and the slightest hint of a smirk on her lips.

"Why would she do that?" he said with a laugh as he turned his attention towards his daughter.

Kate smiled. "I saw her at Macy's the other day, she told me to tell you that she was going to drop by one day."

"She just worries so much about you," Johanna stated as she continued to eye him.

Jim looked to his wife and saw those fiery flickers of jealousy and possessiveness in her eyes and then he looked back at his daughter. "You shouldn't tell your mother these things," he whispered. "You don't know the history of her and Melanie."

"She knows enough of it now to get the gist of things," Johanna said before Kate could even utter a word. "And she didn't tell me about this conversation with Melanie, I heard it for myself."

"What do you mean you heard it?" Jim asked.

"I was there."

"What the hell were you doing at Macy's!" he exclaimed.

"The same thing I've always done at Macy's," she remarked.

"Retail therapy," Kate stated.

"She didn't see you?" Jim asked.

"No, I stayed hidden behind Kate. It was a fascinating conversation," Johanna told him.

Jim took a drink of water, he hadn't done anything wrong and yet he felt like a fish who had gotten caught in the net; and that Kate and Johanna were going to enjoy watching him flop around in the boat.

"You know Melanie, she's all talk," he stated.

Kate scoffed; "I heard she's about more than just talking."

"You've already said enough," Jim told her. "I just got out of trouble and you're trying to push me into more."

"Are you worried, Jim?" Johanna asked as Kate laughed. "Is this conversation troubling you for some reason?"

"Of course not," he stated. "I haven't done anything. I haven't seen Melanie since Jeff's birthday party."

Johanna smirked and decided to play with him a little. "So you even recall the date, must've been some occasion."

"I remember because it was Jeff's birthday, not because of her."

Kate watched as her mother studied him with an assessing gaze, a hint of mischief in her eyes and she couldn't help but join in.

"I feel like I should advise you of your rights," she told her father.

"I know my rights," he replied. "I think I'll choose to remain silent."

Johanna shook her head. "Those rights only apply to the outside world," she teased. "In this kitchen at this moment, you don't have that right."

"Johanna's law?" he asked.

"Do you know any other?" Kate remarked.

Johanna eyed her husband. "You're such a good friend to her," she stated; mocking Melanie's sugary sweet tone.

Jim shook his head. "I'm not."

"According to her you are," Johanna replied.

"Melanie lies, you know that."

"Melanie told me how you and her had good times back in the day," Kate told him.

"No," Jim replied, "We're just acquaintances."

Kate and Johanna laughed at him. "Liar," Johanna stated.

Kate looked at her father. "From what I've heard I'm not buying that one either."

"Your mother exaggerates."

"No, I don't!"

Kate laughed. "I don't know, Dad; the stories I've heard are pretty convincing and then there is that conversation I had with Melanie and her obvious dislike of my mother. The evidence is stacking up against you."

"There are two sides to every story, Katie," Jim replied, "Or in this case three."

"Well then let's hear your side."

"Yes, Jim," Johanna teased. "Let's hear all about you and Melanie."

"There's nothing to tell."

They both scoffed and then Johanna eyed him as he had seen her do to people she had on the witness stand and he knew she was enjoying this.

"You went out with her," she stated.

"That was just business."

"Right," Johanna laughed. "We all know what kind of business Melanie liked to deal in."

"Nothing happened," he said; although he avoided eye contact with her.

"You couldn't look me in the eye and say that back then and you can't look me in the eye and say it now," Johanna remarked.

"It doesn't matter," he responded. "We weren't even together then."

"That doesn't mean she didn't already love you then," Kate said as she leapt back into the conversation.

"Well then she should've told me," he answered as he held Johanna's gaze.

Johanna avoided that subtle accusation and launched a new question. "How many times did you go out with her?"

"Just once."

She raised a brow as she regarded him. "You want to stick with that answer?"

"I married you, Johanna," he stated.

"I remember," she replied. "But we're talking about the competition now, and after all she did always make the statement that I wasn't your type."

"Yeah, she made that statement at Macy's," Kate said.

He chuckled as he looked at his wife. "And you managed to keep yourself hidden during that?"

"It wasn't easy."

"I bet," he laughed.

"When this is all over, I'm going to her house and knock on the door," Johanna remarked.

"And then what?" Jim asked.

"And then I'm going to punch her in the mouth for all those things she said at Macy's."

Kate laughed. "I'll drive you."

"Don't encourage her," Jim said. "She'll go do it, she's always hated her."

"Are you worried about her, Jim?" Johanna asked.

"No, I just don't want to have to bail you out of jail."

"You won't have to," Kate remarked. "I'll make sure it goes down as self defense."

Johanna grinned at her husband. "That's my girl."

He nodded. "She's her mother's daughter alright."

"I've also been advised that if I find Melanie in the house with you that I'm to dispose of her," Kate told him.

"Did you tell her that?" Jim asked Johanna.

She nodded. "I told her it was her moral obligation."

Jim shook his head. "What do you two talk about when I'm not around?"

"Whatever comes to mind," Kate answered.

"Quit trying to change the subject," Johanna stated. "You've never really answered the question."

"What question?"

"Has Melanie dropped by for a visit lately?"

"No," he stated. "I told you, I haven't seen her since Jeff's birthday."

"Has she been in the house?" Johanna questioned.

Jim hesitated and Kate's gaze shifted between her parents. "Before you answer that question, you should probably think about the way you phrase it."

"She's been by with Jeff," he answered.

Johanna bit her lip. "You let her in my house."

"With Jeff."

"You let her in my house!"

"Not by herself," he answered.

"I don't care," she declared. "You let her in my house!"

Kate tried not to laugh but she couldn't help herself.

"I couldn't leave her on the porch," Jim replied.

"Yes, you could," Johanna said.

"I couldn't."

"Where has she been in my house?"

"The kitchen," he answered.

Her eyes widened as she stared at him. "You let her in my kitchen?"

Kate shook her head as her father's gaze collided with hers. "Damn, Dad; you should've said the living room, there's only one room worse than the kitchen in her mind."

Jim snapped his gaze back to his wife. "She was never anywhere near the upstairs."

"You better hope she wasn't."

"I swear," he said.

Johanna looked to Kate. "You went to the wedding; did any of her kids look like your father?"

"She has kids?" Kate asked. "I don't recall hearing about any."

"She had three last time I heard," her mother replied.

"They weren't there," Jim stated. "I don't think they have much to do with her."

"Well she did ship them off to boarding school as soon as they were old enough," Johanna replied.

"Then I guess we won't know if any of them look like Dad," Kate responded.

Jim looked at her. "I can assure both of you that none of her kids look like me."

"Lucky for you," Kate teased.

Jim saw an opportunity to turn the tables on Johanna and tease her a bit. "You know Katie doesn't look anything like me either."

Johanna laughed. "Don't you even go there, you know she's yours, we were married when we had her."

Jim shrugged. "Doesn't matter, she still doesn't look like me."

"Who do you think she got her height from?" Johanna asked. "She's taller than me, and she has your mother's hair color and a love of baseball."

"She could've got those things from anyone."

"But she didn't," she replied. "She got them from you and you're still trying to change the subject."

"Melanie was just a friend," he stated.

"I thought you said she was just an acquaintance," Kate replied.

"You shut up," Jim said with a laugh as he pointed at her. "You're a damn troublemaker."

"You know what they say," Kate replied, "If you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen."

He looked to Johanna and grinned. "I haven't been dismissed yet."

"That's right," Johanna remarked; "And back then you were playing the 'just friends' game with me."

"Not all the time," he remarked coyly. "We had our moments."

"What? A kiss here and there?"

He scoffed. "Oh come on now, Jo; you know there was more than that."

She looked at him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Atlantic City," he stated as if he had just revealed a winning lottery number.

Kate glanced back and forth between her parents, her father grinning and her mother at a loss for words as her cheeks flooded with color. She knew she probably shouldn't ask, that it was probably an answer she didn't want to know but she couldn't help herself. "What happened in Atlantic City?"

Jim regarded Johanna with a raised brow as he smiled in satisfaction at throwing her off balance. "You want to handle that one?" he asked.

Johanna stammered for a moment and then took a drink. "Nothing happened," she said as she shifted her gaze away from him.

He laughed. "Apparently you can't look me in the eye and say that, Johanna. Did you notice that, Katie?"

"I noticed," she answered as she looked to her mother and smiled. "What happened?"

Johanna glanced at her. "Jeff got arrested."

Kate laughed. "What? Why?"

"He was involved in a fight," Jim answered.

"What was it about?" she asked.

"Someone made a pass at his girlfriend…I didn't see the fight though," he told her.

"But you got the call to bail him out," Johanna stated as she shot him a look that told him she remembered exactly what had happened that long ago weekend.

"Did you see the fight?" Kate asked her.

"No she didn't," Jim said before she could answer.

Kate looked between them once more. "I have a feeling that I probably don't want to know, but I'm intrigued now and I can regret it later. What the hell happened in Atlantic City besides Jeff getting arrested?"

"Your mother was being a tease," he replied.

"I was not!" she exclaimed.

"Yes you were," he laughed.

Kate chuckled and looked at her father. "Did she try and lead you into temptation?" she teased as her mother blushed furiously.

Jim nodded. "That's what she did, she ran around being a tease and tried to tempt me."

"I did not!" Johanna laughed.

"Don't deny it."

"Prove it," she demanded.

He grinned at her. "Fine, I will."

"Oh you will?" she asked skeptically.

"Yes, after dinner I'll go get my proof."

Kate laughed. "I can't wait to see this."

"I probably can," Johanna remarked.

The conversation faded, her father beaming proudly about turning the tables on his wife and Johanna seemed to be contemplating what his proof might be. Any other time the silence wouldn't have bothered her but tonight, it served only to remind her of her problem with Castle and without her parents distracting her she found herself picking at her food and replaying the morning's disagreement in her mind.

---

After dinner, Jim set off on his mission to bring back the proof he promised Johanna and together she and Kate began to clean up the kitchen. She noticed that she had grown quiet, that her expression was pensive and she wondered if things had somehow gotten worse between her and her partner. She made the decision to bring him up, hoping that her daughter would confide in her so she could comfort her.

"Did you hear from Rick?" she asked as they washed the dishes.

Kate shook her head. "No, but I didn't expect to; I was the one who told him not to come to the precinct today."

"Do you think he'll show up tomorrow?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

Johanna glanced at the expression on her face. "You're worried."

Kate was silent for a moment, weighing the merits of having this conversation with her mother. "I guess I am."

"You said that you've had worse disagreements," Johanna said as she attempted to draw her out.

"We have, but…"

"But what?"

Kate laid the dish towel aside and leaned a hip against the counter, her arms crossed and her gaze on the floor, avoiding her mother's face. "It's just that we went through this 'rough spot' and I thought we were in a better place now."

"How long ago was this 'rough spot'?" Johanna asked.

"A few weeks before you came home," she answered. "We were just getting back to normal when you showed up."

"What was it about?"

Kate looked her in the eye for a moment. "I don't know, one minute we were fine and the next we weren't."

Johanna didn't believe that Kate didn't at least have some idea of what that rough spot was about but she didn't press the issue; she seemed willing to confide in her a bit and she didn't want to do or say something that would cause her to shut down the conversation.

"And now?" she asked instead of prying the whole thing out of her.

"Now we're…closer," her daughter admitted somewhat shyly.

"Closer than before this rough spot?"

She nodded as she shifted awkwardly, keeping her gaze everywhere but on her mother.

"Have you talked about that?" Johanna asked.

"Yeah," Kate said hesitantly. "We've talked about it…in a way," she answered; recalling the things she had said to him that night they had stayed over after the poker game.

Johanna managed to catch her eye and smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, Katie; it'll work out, he'll be around."

"And then what?" Kate asked. "What am I supposed to do then?"

"It depends. Are you mad at him about this morning?"

She was quiet for a second as she thought over the wealth of emotions she had felt that morning. "Any other time, I would've been."

"What's different about this time?" Johanna questioned.

"Everything."

"You want to narrow it down for me?" her mother asked; and as Kate shifted her gaze back to her face she saw understanding and patience in her eyes, just as she always had back when confiding her troubles in her had been a normal part of her life.

Kate took a breath and pushed away from the counter, opting to sit down while she dove into the differences. Her mother followed her lead and pulled out the chair next to her and waited.

"The case is the same but it's about something different now," she began. "It was always about finding justice for you, because no one else had or would and I couldn't live with that. I couldn't live without knowing why; but now you're here, you're alive," she said with a lump in her throat that gave her voice a choked sound and she paused to clear the emotion away. "And now finding the answer and ending this is about something more than justice; it's about making sure no one takes you away again, it's about both of us being able to live without a target on our backs, it's about both of us being able to move on with our lives, to be free."

Johanna nodded and then she carefully covered Kate's hand with her own; after a moment, Kate turned her hand and grasped her mother's in return.

"What else is different?" she asked.

"I'm different," Kate said.

"In what ways?"

Kate looked at her, and then her unoccupied hand strayed towards her heart. "The tightness that I used to feel here," she said tapping against her chest, "It's not there as much anymore. The walls that I hid behind are falling down. I feel like I'm in a better place in my mind, like maybe I've gained some type of maturity that I didn't realize I lacked. I'm ready to start moving forward, and I am in some ways. I can't move at a faster pace right now and I can't make too big of a jump until…"

"Until this thing is settled," Johanna supplied.

She nodded. "I don't want you to think that's a dig at you, because it's not. I'm not blaming you for how I am, I made the choice to be this way. I know this isn't what you wanted for me, that you wouldn't want me to do this, that you would've never told me to, but I did it because I felt I had to. I just couldn't go to law school and let someone get away with this, it didn't feel right. I know a lot of people think I made the wrong choices, that I've hid behind you and that I closed myself off so I wouldn't have to hurt like that again, and maybe that's true but it felt like the only thing I could do and maybe it was wrong but I can't change that."

Johanna stayed quiet, allowing her to ramble on with her torrent of emotions because it was obvious that it needed to come out and she felt as though this was probably the closest they would get to discussing their own issues for the time being.

"But I feel different now," Kate continued on. "I still feel like I did the right thing, I don't regret the choices I've made, at least not all of them, but I'm different now, I'm ready to be something more than I've been the past 13 years."

"That's good, Katie," Johanna said softly. "You deserve more, you deserve all the happiness you can find, and I don't take anything you said as a dig towards me. I understand what you're saying, and you're right I would've never told you to go out and chase this thing. I didn't want you to change your life for me, but that doesn't mean that I see the choices you made as wrong. If other people see it that way it's their problem; but knowing that you're caught up in this with me is terrifying in more ways than you can imagine, knowing you go out and risk your life on a daily basis, terrifies me; but I'm proud of you, I couldn't be more proud. You're good at what you do and you do it for the right reasons. As your mom, I would of course prefer you to be in a terribly boring profession where the worst thing that could happen to you is that you break a nail opening a filing cabinet," she said with a soft laugh.

Kate laughed with her as she brought her gaze back to her face.

"But as a daughter," Johanna stated; "As someone who loved her mother dearly, I can honestly say that I would've done the same thing you did. If someone had taken my mother away from me and I didn't know why, I wouldn't have been able to rest without answers and I would've went looking for them. I would've made that same choice, so I understand, Katie; and maybe in the midst of making the right choice for yourself, you made some bad choices along the way, but that's part of life. We all make bad choices or wrong choices, but it's how we overcome them that matters, and maybe that feeling you have of being different, of gaining a new sense of maturity, is the proof that you've overcame the things you did wrong."

"You think so?" Kate asked.

She nodded. "Do you know how I know that?"

"No, how?"

"Because I know all to well how it feels to have a steel band wrapped around your heart for 13 years," Johanna answered; "To feel that tightness lying in your chest."

"How does yours feel now?"

She smiled softly. "It feels a lot like yours probably does, still a bit of an ache but so much better. I feel like I can breathe again."

Kate nodded in agreement. "That sounds right."

"Is anything else different?" Johanna asked her; giving her an out if she wanted to switch topics.

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Castle and I are different, our relationship is different."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" she asked.

"Sometimes I'm not sure," Kate replied.

"Why?"

"I'm still afraid of getting hurt, of losing what we already have."

"We're all afraid of getting hurt," Johanna told her. "There's no such thing as a perfect relationship that is void of hurt or anger at times. Look at your parents."

"You two had a happy marriage, and probably when this is all over you'll go back to that," Kate said.

"Yes, we were happily married, but that didn't mean we didn't fight, you know we did, I'm sure you heard the yelling."

Kate chuckled. "Yeah I remember a few 'loud' discussions and one occasion when you slept in my room because he wouldn't let you throw him out of yours."

Johanna laughed. "That was one of our worst moments, but it is proof that we fought, and there were times when he hurt me and of course I've hurt him; and then there is the whole fiasco of our relationship before we were married, and let me tell you, Katie; he hurt me more times than he probably knows."

"Why did you keep going back? Why didn't you give up?"

"Because I loved him," Johanna told her. "I loved him enough to forgive him…of course sometimes it could've also been stupidity. You do stupid things when you're in love."

Kate laughed. "Like going out with a jackass to make him jealous?"

Her mother laughed with her. "That wasn't stupid; that was a brilliant set up….with maybe a touch of desperation."

"Whatever works."

"Exactly, and it worked way better than I imagined it could," she stated. "I should've done it sooner."

Their laughter faded and Kate looked to her again. "So what do I do?"

"You wait for him, because I know you're not going to call, at least not yet, and when he comes around you show him that you're not angry."

"But it's probably going to be awkward…again."

Johanna sighed. "See this is why you should've shot that idiot that broke in here. If he wouldn't have been here, you could've talked Rick into staying and you could've tried out that kitchen dance test and this would all be a lot easier."

"That may be true," Kate said, "But that doesn't tell me what to do now."

"If you're not angry, then you just let him know that the door is still open," she told her. "You show him that you understand his concern and that you're not holding it against him."

"And if that doesn't work?"

Johanna was at a loss for a moment and then she grinned. "I'll call his mother."

Kate laughed, "And what? Have Martha punish him?"

"No, we have her smack him upside the head and send him over here."

"I don't think that would work."

"Fine, we'll lure him over here on our own and I'll smack him upside the head until he gets it."

"Do you have tactics in mind if it comes to luring?" Kate asked.

"Not at the moment but if it comes down to it I'll think of one, I won't let you down."

Kate smiled as silence fell between them and then she spoke, "Thanks."

"For what?"

She shrugged. "For this, I guess."

"We can talk about things anytime you want," Johanna told her. "Listening and advice have always been in my job description as your mother."

"Yeah, but…it's kind of weird to talk about him with you," she admitted.

"Why? We talked about boys before."

She laughed. "Yeah but I was a teenager back then."

"True," Johanna said, "But wasn't that weird at first?"

"Yes," she admitted, "I guess it was."

"But you got used to it, you came to me when you had a problem that you couldn't find an answer to or when you needed advice."

"I know, but it's different now."

"You know why?"

"Probably, but I'll let you tell me anyway," Kate replied.

Johanna laughed. "It's different and weird now because this isn't a teenage crush or first love. Now you're grown up and we haven't gotten the opportunity to discuss a relationship that is this serious, and of course it's going to feel weird, just like it did the first time we discussed a 'boy' problem but it doesn't have to stay that way. We can talk about it; you might find that my advice can be better now that you're older."

"Why is that?"

"Because now I can tell you things I couldn't tell you then," she answered.

"Oh, now I get the real stories," Kate teased.

Johanna nodded as she grinned. "Yes and as you've been learning, I have a lot of them, because three years of chasing after your father and a year of dating him didn't come without its trials and tribulations."

"And where does Atlantic City come in to that?" she asked.

She blushed and then looked her in the eye. "It was neither trial nor tribulation."

"Then what was it?"

Johanna looked at her. "It was a turning point…at least for me it was," she stated as she rose from her chair and went back to the dishes.

Kate had a feeling she knew what kind of turning point that was and she said no more about it as she helped finish the task of cleaning up as they waited for the knock on the door that would signal Jim's return.

---

Finally Jim came back and as Kate let him into the apartment, Johanna took notice of the old photo album he had in his hand.

"Is your proof in there?" she asked as he laid it on the coffee table.

"No," he answered, "It's in my pocket; I took it out of there and then decided to bring you the whole thing."

"Let me see the proof," Johanna said as she held her hand out towards him.

He grinned, "I'm not giving the proof to you. I'll give it to Katie and let her be the judge. I think I can trust her to be impartial."

"Fine," she stated. "Give it to her."

Kate laughed as she held out her hand. "Give me the evidence."

Jim pulled a photo from his pocket, being careful to keep the back of it facing Johanna and then he handed it to Kate.

She smiled and then she laughed as she looked at the image of her mother, clad in an emerald green bikini on the beach in Atlantic City, her eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses, her hair pinned up and she was laughing, looking like she was having the time of her life.

"This is the proof?" she asked.

He nodded. "I think it speaks for itself."

"What is it?" Johanna asked as Kate continued to laugh.

Her daughter looked at her, her eyes shining with mischief as she grinned. "You tramp; shame on you for wearing a bikini to the beach."

Johanna laughed as Kate turned the photo around for her to see. "That's your proof?" she asked incredulously. "I wasn't the only person wearing a bikini that day."

"You know you only wore it to tease me," her husband commented.

"I did not!"

"I think you're losing on this one, Dad," Kate told him. "Bikini's are standard beach attire."

"She had on other clothes when she got there," he remarked.

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I had on shorts and a shirt; like most people wear to cover up their swimsuit until they get there."

Jim scoffed. "I don't know why you bothered, those shorts didn't hide much."

"They're called shorts for a reason, Jim" she retorted.

"Yes, but there's shorts and then there's what you had on."

"They weren't that bad!"

Kate laughed. "Do we have proof of the shorts?"

Jim smiled at his wife and then pulled another picture from his pocket and handed it to their daughter.

Kate looked at the picture and then at her mother. "Those are pretty short."

"I told you," Jim laughed.

"That was the style," she declared.

"Yeah, Daisy Duke's," Kate teased.

Her mother stammered for a moment and then looked at her. "For your information, that show wasn't even on the air yet when I wore those."

Kate pretended to look shocked. "You mean Daisy stole your style?"

"You brat," she laughed. "Give me that."

"No," she said as she moved away from her, holding the picture out of her reach.

"Give it to me."

"Nope," she said with a laugh as she looked at it. "Guess they should've named those shorts Johanna Beckett's instead of Daisy Duke's."

She smirked. "I was still a McKenzie then."

Kate nodded. "Sorry, I forgot we were talking about ancient history here."

Her jaw dropped for a moment. "You just stop that," she said with a grin as she pointed a finger at her before turning her attention to her husband. "I hope you're happy."

"I am," he said as he watched them laugh and tease each other, and for the moment he was happy. This was how home used to sound and he drank it up and held on to that feeling as he thought about staying there with them for the night just so it could last awhile longer.

"Do you have a verdict?" Johanna asked Kate; breaking his line of thought and pulling him back to the conversation.

She laughed and nodded. "Yes, I find that while I can see why you would find the bikini distracting and that the shorts were very short it is all standard of beach wear and I see no premeditation of temptation."

"You lose!" Johanna exclaimed.

"I should've known," he teased. "You women always stick together."

"That's right," she told him. "Don't you forget it."

"You know," Kate said as she took one more look at the photo, "I remember a time in high school when I tried to wear a skirt which was short, but nowhere near as short as these shorts that you have on, and you chased me back up the stairs and made me change and then confiscated the skirt."

"What's your point?" her mother asked as she snatched the picture away from her.

"The point is why were you allowed to do it and not me?"

"Because I said so."

"That's not right, you were being a hypocrite."

"No I wasn't," Johanna said. "You weren't going out dressed like that."

"But you did."

"Yeah, and obviously I know what happens when you dress like that."

"I thought you said nothing happened," Kate said with a gleam in her eye.

Johanna glared at her as Jim laughed. "Nice one, Katie," he told her. "You got the confession."

"I always do," she said victoriously.

"I'm not talking about this anymore," Johanna said as she picked up the album and sat down beside Jim on the sofa. "I'm not confessing to anything."

"You already did," he replied. "She finally got the best of you."

"It's a sad day," she commented as she opened the cover of the album and a trip down memory lane.

"Look how young we were," Johanna said wistfully as they looked at the pictures.

Jim laughed. "Depressing, isn't it?"

"A little," she replied.

"I didn't have gray hair back then," he commented as he studied one of the images.

Johanna smiled at him. "I like it," she told him; her tone lightly flirtatious. "It makes you look distinguished."

He smiled. "I could live without looking distinguished."

"Could be worse," Kate said, "You could be bald."

"Bite your tongue," Jim said as they laughed.

"I don't know what you're complaining for," Johanna told him. "I'm the one who has to wear reading glasses. I always thought that would happen to you before me and I think that's supremely unfair."

He chuckled. "It's about time I beat you at something."

"It's still unfair," she teased.

"I think you look cute in your glasses," he told her as he dropped a hand to her knee and caressed it.

"I do not," she replied as she ducked her head shyly.

He smiled and leaned closer to her, brushing a kiss across her temple. "You do to me."

Kate couldn't help but smile as she watched them for a moment. After all the time they'd been together they were still crazy about each other. As her mother turned her head and stole a kiss from him, she had the feeling that they had forgotten that she was in the room.

"You two want to be alone?" she asked lightly. "I'm starting to feel like a third wheel here."

Johanna blushed and Jim turned his head in Kate's direction. "If I said yes and gave you a few bucks to see a movie, would you go?" he asked lightly.

"There's nothing good playing tonight, and besides, how could I go off and leave you two un-chaperoned? What would your mothers think?" she teased.

Johanna laughed. "I know what Elizabeth would think."

"Let's not talk about my mother," Jim commented with a laugh. "You'll just get all worked up."

Kate fell silent as they drifted into their own conversations, speaking of the past and the things that had been going on in those old photos. It felt good to be there with them, to feel that comforting sense of security that came from family but she was still troubled despite her talk with her mother. All she could think about was Castle and the fact that her phone hadn't rang and she hadn't even received a text. She had been the one who said they needed the day apart but a part of her hadn't expected no communication at all from him. He usually always called or texted even when they were mad at each other, it didn't matter that she ignored them, he did it anyway but today there was nothing and that silence was nagging at her. It reminded her too much of how he had avoided her during that period of time she had spoken about to her mother. She could of course send him a text or call, but she wouldn't. It didn't feel right, not at that moment anyway so she continued to brood silently and check her phone on occasion as her mind swam with worries.

Jim and Johanna were watching her as they looked through the pictures, each of them picking up on her distraction and the numerous times she slid her phone from her pocket and glanced at it only to put it back a moment later. She commented on the conversations every now and then and they tried to keep her occupied but they knew she wasn't fully with them and they traded looks that carried silent messages about the state of their daughter's mind that evening.

When Kate drifted off to the kitchen, Johanna turned to her husband and whispered in his ear. "Go hug your daughter," she told him. "I'd do it but she's not ready for that yet, so it's up to you."

"You could try," he replied. "This was always your area."

She shook her head slightly. "She's being a little more open with me about the situation between them but I can't push my luck. Now go do it."

He patted her knee and got up from the couch and went to the kitchen and found Kate leaning against the counter, her phone in her hand once again, and that look of worry and disappointment on her features.

"It'll be alright, Katie," he said quietly as he moved to stand in front of her.

"What?" she asked.

"Whatever it is that's going on between you and Rick; it'll work out, it always does."

"What makes you so sure?"

He smiled. "Because I remember a few occasions when I put that same look you're wearing on your mother's face."

"What's your point?"

"The point is, you're here so obviously we worked things out," Jim told her.

Kate shook her head. "You two were different."

"No, I don't really think we were," he replied. "The circumstances may be different but the situation is pretty much the same. We played the same games you two do and it worked out eventually, and I think the same will be true for you."

She smiled skeptically. "I'm not as sure about that as you are."

He laughed softly. "I'm sure you're mother could probably convince you of it easier than I can…maybe you should talk about this with her."

"She already told me how she finally caught you."

He laughed. "Did she?"

"Yeah," she answered as she shifted on her feet. "We talked about me and Rick a little."

"Maybe you should talk about it with her a little more. She'll be here for you if you let her."

"I know."

He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly and Kate accepted the gesture willingly.

"Everything will be fine," he assured once more. "You'll see."

She smiled as he released her and then a thought came to mind as she followed him back to the living room, taking a place by her mother as he took the chair.

"Any pictures of your infamous black dress in there?" Kate asked her.

Johanna smiled. "I don't know, we'll have to look."

As they flipped through the album, Kate grabbed a page and stopped, doing a double take of a photo of her mother.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"I thought it was me," she admitted and then as she studied it some more, she said, "God, I look like you."

"Don't say it like that," Johanna said as she nudged her.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way," Kate replied. "I just mean that of course I look at you and I see the resemblance between us, but on this picture," she said as she tapped her finger against it, "I see it more than I ever have."

"That's because on that picture she's closer to the age you are now, Katie," Jim told her.

She nodded in agreement and studied it for a moment longer, smiling as she did so. She liked the picture, liked seeing that resemblance and how happy her mother had looked in it. Finally she removed her hand and allowed Johanna to turn the page.

Two pages before the end of the album, Johanna found what they had been looking for. "Here it is!" she exclaimed as she peeled back the protective covering and pulled it from the page and handed it to Kate.

She smiled as she looked at the picture of Johanna and her friend Sharon; she hadn't been lying, she had been dressed to impress and the look on her face was one of determination, along with a mixture of pride and amusement.

"You look so proud of yourself," Kate told her.

"I was," Johanna admitted, a grin on her lips as she looked at her husband. "That was the night when I took matters into my own hands."

She laughed. "Here, Dad," she said as she handed the picture to him. "This one is definitely premeditated temptation."

He smiled as he took the picture from her hand. "I know, believe me I know."

As Johanna and Kate continued to look at the photos, Jim continued to study of the image of Johanna as she had looked the night he had told her he loved her. He smiled, she had taken matters into her own hands all right; she'd worn that dress and made him jealous but at the end of the night after their fight and confessions, he had taken matters into his own hands and had taken that dress off of her and finished what had gotten interrupted in Atlantic City. He glanced at her and caught the smug grin on her lips as her eyes locked with his and he wanted nothing more than to kiss it away. He felt the stirrings of desire for her, the longing to take her home and drag her upstairs to their bedroom and relive those nights, but he couldn't and the notions that he'd been entertaining about staying with her that night, about keeping that warm happy feeling of being with his family alive for a few more hours seemed suddenly impossible. He couldn't stay with her tonight, not there at least.

After awhile Kate got up from her place and announced her intentions to take a shower and Jim said his goodbyes to her and then she left the two of them alone. He rose from the chair and looked at Johanna, saw that lingering look of sadness that always overtook her features when he left her and he hated it.

"Do you have to go already?" she asked quietly as she followed him to the door. It didn't matter that he'd been there with her all day; she didn't want him to go.

He nodded, and then not being able to resist the urge, he reached for her and pulled her close and kissed her the way he'd been wanting to half the night.

The kiss ended and she pulled back to look at him for a moment. It was the first time he'd kissed her like that since she'd been home but she still remembered what it had meant and it drew her back for another and another after that as she revealed in the feel of him holding her so tightly against him. She looked into his eyes and saw the desire lying there in them. These types of kisses and touches and that look had in the past always preceded a long night spent tangled in the sheets with him and she wanted nothing more than to walk out the door with him and have one of those nights.

She kissed him again, pouring all of herself into it, wishing things were different, that this moment wouldn't have to end but it would and she couldn't bear the thought of him walking away from her tonight after he'd stirred up her feelings. They couldn't have the night they wanted but she could ask him to stay…she could make herself content with just lying next to him and as she pulled back once more, the words begging him not to go on the tip of her tongue, he brushed one last kiss against her lips and gently pushed her away and said goodnight.

She whispered goodnight and locked the door behind him once he was gone and then she leaned against it and closed her eyes, willing her heartbeat to slow. No one knew how badly it hurt her to watch him leave her every night and tonight it hurt twice as much. Johanna pushed away from the door and made her way into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. It was going to be a long night.

---

Castle sat in his office, his laptop open, but the word document open on the screen was blank and seemed to be mocking him as he stared at the blinking cursor while he nursed the glass of scotch he held in one hand.

Martha appeared in the doorway, took in the expression upon his face and then walked into the room and took a seat across from the desk.

"There's only one person who can put that look on your face," she commented; her voice breaking through his thoughts.

"What?"

She smiled indulgently. "What's wrong Richard?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?" he asked.

"Well let's look at the facts," Martha replied. "You went out of here this morning in a good mood only to return an hour and a half later in this depressing funk that you've been in all day. You didn't go to the precinct…"

"I needed to write."

"And by writing you mean staring blankly at the computer screen as if the words will appear there on their own without you ever touching the keyboard?" she asked.

Castle eyed her in slight irritation. "It's a process, Mother; it can't be rushed."

"Uh huh," she said dismissively before she continued on. "I haven't heard your phone ring all day, I haven't seen you texting all day, and then of course there is that look on your face."

"What look?"

"That 'I had a falling out with Kate Beckett' look."

He dropped his gaze from her face and sloshed around the liquid in his glass.

"Come on kiddo, out with it, what happened between you and Kate this morning?"

He began telling her about what had happened at Kate's, how her kitchen had been turned into a mini precinct and how proudly she and Johanna had looked of their work and then he told her of their argument. When he finished, Martha opened her mouth to speak but he suddenly became animated as his frustration over took the calmness that he had been speaking with and she fell silent once more, allowing him to get it out of his system.

"They're over there putting this thing together, piece by piece and making a profile of a suspect; and granted it isn't much of a profile, nothing more than a list of high powered occupations that could cast a very large net; but I can just see it in her, I can see the wheels turning in both their heads and the recklessness that will follow and I can't let her do it!"

"What do you want her to do, Richard?" Martha asked gently. "Kate Beckett isn't the type of woman to take something lying down. The threats so far haven't been overly serious; notes and photographs, those things are easily over looked even if they are being considered serious, but now someone has come into her home; and it isn't just her home, it's Johanna's home as well right now. They had safety there, they felt some measure of security because no one's ever walked through that door and now someone has. Someone has violated her sense of security and she has to do something. She's afraid that this break-in is their way of saying that they're stepping up the game, Richard."

"I know that, Mother," he replied tensely. "But they still don't need to go off on their own, thinking they can take matters in their own hands and find the answer. They can't…she can't, it's too dangerous for her to go out there and stir things up more than they already are."

"Has she said she's going after anyone?"

"No."

"Do you think she and Johanna are going to go get in the car and take off on some city wide interrogation of high ranking officials?"

"No, of course not. She'll go alone if she thinks she has something, and Johanna's not even trying to stop her! She's the one who came up with this theory of researching the time frame of Pulgotti's case. She's encouraging her; she's in on this with her! They're standing in that kitchen making a profile and theorizing and she's letting it go on!"

"What do you expect Johanna to do? How do you expect her to stop Kate from doing what she wants?"

"I expect her to stay out of it and not endanger her more than she already has," he said angrily.

Martha looked him in the eye. "Do you really think that Johanna wants Kate to be in danger?"

When he said nothing she continued on. "That's her child, Richard; that's her baby; just like Alexis is yours, just like you are mine. She doesn't want Kate involved in this, but she already is, she doesn't want her life put at risk, she doesn't want her to die for this. Johanna's whole purpose in coming home was to end this, to get the target off of Kate's back, to keep her safe, to save her. She'd do anything to save her child, like any mother would, like any father would. She can't stay out of it, she's in the middle of it, she's the only one who may have the key, she may be the only one who can find the answer and if helping to find that answer will keep Kate alive, then you're damn right she's going to do it. She's going to give Kate anything she needs to help her get ahead of these people; she's going to do everything in her power to end this."

"For herself," he remarked, "Because you know it's somewhere in her mind that if she plays Detective and helps her do this then it will fix their relationship."

Martha shook her head. "You're wrong, Richard. Johanna's main objective in ending this chaos is Kate. Of course she wants it to be over for her too but the person that matters the most, the one she wants to set free, that person is her daughter, regardless of their personal relationship, which is by all accounts improving on its own."

"How do you know?" he asked. "You barely know her, who knows how her mind works."

"Johanna and I have had conversations that you and Kate don't know about," Martha told him. "We've shared a few phone calls, we've talked about some things, mainly Kate, and I don't have to have known her for a long time to gauge what's in her heart or mind; she's a mother, her child comes first, before anything even before herself, or before Jim. Kate gets her courage and her strength from her mother, and I think you know that. I think you look at Johanna and you see why Kate is the way she is; that's why you like her, that's why you're angry that she isn't stopping her; but Johanna can't stop her, Richard; it's Kate's job to solve this case."

"And it's my job to protect her," he replied.

"Maybe it's time you tell her about Mr. Smith," she suggested.

"Tell her what, Mother?" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Tell her that I've been dealing with some mystery man that I've been keeping from her? I haven't even heard from him since months before Johanna came home. I don't even have any way of contacting him. I have no idea of what may be going on, I don't know if there is still some kind of deal in place. I don't even know what his real name is. I have nothing to give her, telling her will only make her angrier and she'll push me away and then what? Who protects her then? Who protects either one of them, because now Johanna's here and I feel like I have a responsibility towards her too. Who keeps them safe if I tell her this without having something to back it up and she kicks me to the curb?"

"Then that brings me back to my original question," Martha said. "What do you want Kate to do?"

"I want her to find the answers the right way," he said firmly. "Operating under a low profile, following the leads we have as they come in, gather the evidence and then go in with back up."

"She knows what she's doing," Martha stated, "And right now she isn't doing anything that's off the radar. They went over the case, they came up with a few theories, but so far she hasn't done anything on her own, Richard. She didn't even hide it from you, she shared it with you."

"They're going to bite off more than they can chew and it's going to get them killed."

Martha studied him for a moment. "This isn't about Kate and her stubbornness or the possibility of being reckless. This isn't about Johanna helping her look into the possibilities and not stopping her from finding the answer a different way. This is about you, Richard."

"Me?" he said in surprise. "Mother, how is this about me?"

"You tell me," she replied, "Because what's bothering you doesn't have anything to do with what Kate and Johanna have done during a sleepless night, because really it's not out of character for Kate to do something like this, and most likely it isn't out of character for Johanna. So you tell me, Richard; what's really bugging you? What is it that you're afraid of that you're not acknowledging and shoving behind anger at two women who don't deserve it?"

He was silent as his mother stared him down. Finally he looked away and took a sip of his drink and then another before finally bringing his gaze back to his mother's face.

"Things were getting better," he began slowly. "Despite all the worry and the alertness for danger, things were getting better for her…for us. She's coming out of her shell, she's blossoming, being more open, giving more, being more and I know some of that is because her mother is sitting across the table from her every morning and that weight she's been carrying all these years is slipping away and it's making her open to having more…she told me that the walls were coming down, that she'll get there if I just don't give up on her….like she's making me a promise that we're going to be more than what we are now. There's that feeling of hope….and I don't want to lose her. I looked at those boards and the work they did and all I could think about was her lying on the ground with a bullet in her chest, watching the life drain out of her…and I'm afraid. I can't do that again, I can't lose her."

Martha allowed that statement to settle for a moment and then she looked him in the eye, "You're not the only one who's afraid, Richard; we all are, don't you think Kate's afraid too? Do you think she wants to put you through that again? Do you think she wants to die? She doesn't want you to lose her either, that's why she's making subtle promises…because she has something to live for but she can't get there until she takes care of unfinished business."

"But it could kill her."

"Life has no guarantees," his mother told him. "Something could just as easily happen to you."

"It's not the same."

"It is," she insisted. "You know, you're not the only one who watched Kate take that bullet. Jim was there, he watched it happen. Do you think he's not afraid? The two people he loves the most are in the thick of this. He got his wife back but he faces the risk of losing her again, he faces the risk of losing his daughter. I imagine he lives in a state of constant fear."

"I know he does, any man would," he agreed.

"I watched her take that bullet," Martha said. "I'm afraid for her too, I consider Kate a part of my family. I love her, I don't want to lose her. I'm afraid for you, you're involved in this, I love you, I don't want to lose you. Johanna has become a friend; I don't want anything to happen to her. Alexis witnessed that shooting, she's afraid, she doesn't want to lose Kate, she doesn't want to lose you. Ryan, Esposito, and Lanie, they all saw it happen, somewhere inside, they're afraid too, that's their friend, their partner, they love her too. Johanna heard about it on the news, she couldn't even be with her but she was affected by it, she doesn't want to lose her child, she doesn't want anyone else to be hurt, she's terrified too. We're all afraid, we all have something at stake here, something that could be taken from us, but panicking and pushing each other way isn't going to help."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"The same thing you do everyday, tomorrow you get up and you go buy her a cup of coffee and you go to the precinct and you sit by her desk like always."

"And what? Pretend like I think it's a good idea for them to dig into things on their own?"

"No, I didn't say that; but if you want to protect her then you may want to start thinking about your reactions in regards to how she handles this case and whats she does with the information."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that if you keep reacting the way you did this morning, then she will push you away and she'll stop sharing what she's gathered or has thought of and then where will you be? You can't protect her if you don't know what she's doing."

"You make it sound so easy," he commented.

"What else can you do?" she asked. "I'm not saying you have to agree with her or that you shouldn't try and talk her down if she does decide to be reckless, but you have to think about how you react if you want to stay on the inside."

"That makes sense in theory, Mother; but it's probably hard to maintain."

"But you have to try," Martha told him. "You know it's true."

He took another drink and then nodded. "Thanks for your input, Mother."

"I'm not finished," she said.

"What else is there?"

Martha eyed him seriously. "Don't lose the progress you've made with her. We don't know how this will turn out but don't waste the time you have right now. Make the most of it in any way you can. Find whatever happiness you're able to with her even in the midst of all of this."

Castle swallowed hard. "I just wish I could make this all go away for her…for us."

"I know you do."

"I don't know what to do," he admitted.

"I already told you what to do," Martha told him. "You get up in the morning and buy her a cup of coffee like you always do and you go back to work, and when the opportunity presents itself, you take her aside and you explain that your reactions were driven by fear and worry but that you're still on her side and that you're not going anywhere."

"Do you think that will work? Knowing Kate, she's still going to be angry tomorrow."

"There's only one way to find out, kiddo," she said as she rose from her seat. "And maybe you should give her a little credit, because as you've said she's grown a bit and she has Johanna's influence and chances are she's making Kate keep a calm head about things. Maybe she'll surprise you. Think about it."

She moved to the doorway to leave but she paused and turned back towards him. "It's alright to be afraid, Richard; but you can't allow that fear to control you. You have to be calm and level headed like you usually are when you handle her. It'll be best for both of you."

With that said she turned and left the room, leaving him with his thoughts and the decision he had to make about seeking out Kate in the morning or waiting until he was sure he had his own emotions under control.

---

Kate had taken her troubled mind and had drifted off to her bed leaving Johanna alone in the living room with her own thoughts and that old photo album that documented the years before she and Jim had been an official couple. She found herself flipping through the pages, making her way back to the photos from Atlantic City and she smiled. A slow work week and summer like temperatures in April had a group of them from the law firm taking off for a long weekend of fun; and it had been fun, going to the casinos, the beach, sightseeing and a party of sorts around the pool at the hotel that night when things had gotten heated between her and Jim.

She remembered how she had drifted away from the gathering, moving into the shadows at the edge of the hotel, looking out at the view of the ocean and how the moonlight sparkled upon the water. Jim had followed her, came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. They had made small talk, and teasing flirtatious comments and when she had turned to face him, he had kissed her, and that spark between them ignited, that magnetic pull that they had been fighting took over and as they had stood in the shadows, wrapped in each others arms, they had made the unspoken agreement to take it back to his hotel room.

Johanna's gaze was still locked upon that photo of them from that night but her mind was filled with the memory of those moments they had spent locked away in his room. She remembered how the air had crackled with tension, how it felt like time was standing still as they got lost in their own private little world. She still remembered the feel of his hands slipping beneath that blue cotton shirt she had been wearing, how they had glided upwards, dragging the material with them and pulling it up over her head and dropping it to the floor, where it was soon joined by his white button down shirt.

Her eyes closed as the memory took hold, making her vividly recall the taste of his kiss, the feel of his lips against her skin, his hands in her hair and on her body, the feel of his weight against her as he laid her down, his skin beneath her fingertips. She remembered how his knuckles had grazed against her stomach as he unbuttoned those white shorts she had on, remembered how her heart had been pounding, her stomach fluttering with anticipation and how thoughts of stopping never even entered her mind. She was through fighting it, tired of over thinking every thing, she loved him, she wanted to be with him and if that night was all she could have, well then she was going to have it and let the morning take care of itself. She remembered that his fingers had been on the clasp of her bra when the phone had rang, startling them and breaking the spell they had been under.

As if on cue, her own phone rang, breaking her thoughts. She reached for it and smiled as she saw Jim's name on the screen.

"Are you thinking about Atlantic City?" he asked after she said hello.

She gave a soft laugh. "Are you reading my mind?"

He chuckled. "No, I just figured that if I was thinking about it than you probably were too."

Johanna smiled, her gaze drifting back to the photo album on her lap. "I'm still trying to figure out how you lured me back to your hotel room."

Jim laughed. "I didn't lure you; you came willingly."

"What are you implying?" she asked teasingly.

"I think you know."

"Do I?"

"I don't hear you issuing any denials of anything," he replied.

"You haven't made any specific accusations…yet."

"Fine," he said with a laugh; "Deny that you wanted it."

She felt her cheeks growing warm. "It would be hard to deny it. I went along with it."

"I remember," he remarked; his tone changing slightly, and it made her think of the way he had kissed her goodbye that evening.

"So do I," she said quietly.

"I should've left Jeff in jail," he stated.

Johanna laughed. "You shouldn't have answered the phone."

"I had to."

"Why?"

"Because it was distracting you and that was the last thing I wanted or needed."

"You still didn't have to answer it, you could've just unplugged it," she told him.

There was silence on the line for a moment. "Why didn't you think of that back then!"

"Me!" she exclaimed. "Why didn't you?"

"How was I supposed to think straight when you were in my bed half dressed," Jim replied. "Hell there were times I couldn't think straight when you were fully dressed and nowhere near my bed."

She laughed softly. "Sorry."

"No you're not," he laughed. "You know you enjoyed tormenting me, just like that night, I told you to wait for me to come back."

"I did. I was still there when you came back."

"Asleep!"

"I was tired. It's not my fault it took you so long to bail him out."

He laughed. "Oh well, at least I still got to sleep beside you."

She smiled, she remembered waking up briefly as he had settled into bed next to her, pulling her close to him and brushing a kiss across her cheek. She had still been in his arms when she had woke the next morning, but that remembrance turned her serious and she broached something about that night that she never had before.

"We never talked about it," Johanna said. "We got up the next morning and went on like nothing had happened; like we hadn't come that close to crossing the line."

"I know," he answered. "That seemed to be how it was between us; we talked about everything but what we needed to talk about. We got into that pattern of blurring the lines or skating back and forth across them and never saying a word about it and it made it easy to have more while staying the same."

"It didn't always feel easy to me," she replied.

"It wasn't always easy for me either," Jim told her and then he paused for a moment. "I've spent all these years looking back, wishing I hadn't wasted so much time back then."

She felt the sting of tears welling in her eyes. "It wasn't wasted," she whispered. "We may have taken the long way about things but those years were still special. They made us who we are, they made us stronger, they gave us a good foundation to build upon. We made mistakes and we fought it for awhile and at times it seemed like we were making it complicated, but it's us, it's our story and I wouldn't change it for anything, because I don't think we'd be the same without it."

"But there could've been more to those years," he responded; emotion evident in his own voice. "We could've had more."

"I always want more when it comes to you, Jim," Johanna said softly. "It doesn't matter how many days or years we have together, it'll never be enough because I always want more, because I love you, but I don't look back at those days and think that we wasted them, in a lot of ways we were together but we were young then, we were still finding our way and maybe we weren't ready to dive in sooner than we did."

"We thought we had all the time in the world," he said.

"I know."

"And then we didn't."

A tremor of pain shot through her heart at that statement and she didn't know what to say as her throat tightened.

"Like that night in Atlantic City," he told her. "I thought we had all night and I wanted to take my time, I didn't want to rush. I wanted to treat you the way you deserved, make you feel beautiful and special and loved."

"You did," she whispered.

"And then the moment was gone," he said.

"But we got there eventually," she replied, "And that moment was even better."

"Because I told you I loved you."

"Yes."

"I loved you that night in the hotel."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"Probably for the same reasons you didn't tell me."

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "You were afraid of rejection too?"

"Sometimes," Jim told her. "Sometimes I was just afraid to feel so much for you. I knew it was going to be different with you and I'd look at you and see someone who deserved to have everything and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give it to you. I was afraid it wouldn't work out, that we'd lose what we already had. I didn't know if I was ready and sometimes it was just easier to live in denial about how I felt about you."

"I felt that way too," she admitted. "I worried about those same things, but after that night…I didn't want to stay in the same spot anymore. I just wanted to be with you, no matter what it took."

"And you took a drastic measure there at the end," he said with a laugh.

She laughed. "But it worked."

"It worked," Jim agreed. "It worked really well."

Johanna smiled and was quiet for a moment, longing for him building up within her. "I wish you would've stayed tonight."

She heard him draw in a breath before he spoke. "I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because I still want you as badly as I wanted you that night in Atlantic City. I still want you as badly as I wanted you that night you walked into that party in that little black dress and drove me crazy. I couldn't lay next to you tonight and not make love to you, Johanna; and I know you're not going to let that happen while you're living there."

She swallowed hard. "It's not the right place."

"I know," he agreed. "But that's why I couldn't stay with you tonight. I always want to stay but I couldn't be there and not touch you."

"I understand," she said as the tears finally broke free.

"Don't cry," he pleaded.

"I just…" she began to say but trailed off, unable to find the right words to describe how she felt.

"I hate it too," he said; selecting the word for her. "I want us to be able to move on. I want to be able to take you places, to do the things we used to do, rebuild what we had, make new memories, start making up for lost time."

"I want that too."

"I know you do."

"I want to come home."

"I want you here too," Jim told her. "I want us to start doing all things we had planned on. I want to take you on all those trips you always talked about…I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go, Johanna; as long as we're together."

"Let's go now," she stated.

"I wish we could."

"Soon?" Johanna asked; needing him to give her hope.

He seemed to understand what she needed. "Soon, sweetheart. Soon you'll be home where you belong."

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too."

They said their goodbyes and she laid the phone down beside her along with the photo album and then she gave in to the emotions that were crashing down upon her. Hate wasn't a strong enough word to cover how she felt about this situation but it was the only one she could think of. She wanted to be with her husband; and it was about so much more than just the desire to make love to him. She wanted her marriage back; all of it, she wanted those moments when they laid next to each other and talked half the night, she wanted to wake up next to him and hear him tell her to stay in bed a little longer. She wanted those nights out, those lazy Sunday afternoons, she wanted the security, she wanted to be home. She just wanted him and not being able to have those things, of having to watch him walk away from her every night tore her apart in ways no one could imagine or seemed to notice; and so she cried.

---

After a few hours of tossing and turning, Kate threw back the covers and got out of bed. She couldn't sleep, not with her mind still troubled with thoughts of Castle and his reaction to her theories on the case. She sighed, maybe it wasn't so much his reaction that bothered her; maybe it was something else, she just wasn't exactly sure she could put a name to what it really was.

She drifted into the hallway, her gaze darting towards her mother's open door. The room was dark and empty. She looked further up the hallway and could see the light coming from the living room and hear the soft sounds of the television as it played. Her feet carried her forward, a part of her wondering if perhaps she had gotten out of bed for the sole reason of seeking out her mother to give her some type of comfort. As she stepped into the room her eyes landed on her, still on the sofa, her attention riveted to that old album that she had been clinging to all night, and then she realized that Johanna was crying.

"Hey," she said softly as she padded into the room. "What's wrong?"

Johanna's head snapped up and her gaze focused on her daughter as she hurriedly swiped away her tears. "Nothing."

Kate took a seat on the sofa, pulling her legs up and turning towards her mother. "Then why are you crying?"

She shrugged and closed the album. "Just feeling sentimental, I guess. What are you doing up?"

Kate didn't buy her answer but she'd let it slide for the time being. "I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?"

She looked at her. "Why do you think?"

"You're still worried."

Kate nodded. "Yeah."

Johanna shook off her own emotions for the moment and looked Kate in the eye. "Why don't you tell me what's really bugging you about this disagreement with Rick. We've talked about how you're not angry, how things are different, and how you feel like you're in a better place in your relationship. Now tell me what's really eating at you."

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't," she argued.

"Yes you do, Kate," her mother said firmly. "You're just not allowing yourself to acknowledge it. Now sit there and think about it and I mean really think about it and admit it and then tell me and maybe I can help you feel better about it."

Kate grew quiet as she dropped her gaze from her mother's face. She thought about it, allowed it all to roll through her mind and it became clear to her and when she accepted the realization she looked back at her mother who had been watching her.

"I'm afraid of going back to that rough spot. I don't want to go back there," she said and her voice cracked a bit. "It just came out of nowhere and it was like the world had been turned upside down. It was like it was really going to be over and I didn't know what to do to fix it. The way it was during those weeks…it was so strange and it…" she trailed off not sure of how to exactly to sum it up.

"It scared you," Johanna stated.

She hesitated and then nodded. "And now I'm afraid it's going to happen again."

"Is this the first argument you've had since this rough spot?"

"Yeah, I guess so," she replied; as she didn't count the bickering they had done over his decision to join the stakeout of her apartment with Ryan and Esposito weeks before.

"Then that's why this seems so bad to you, Katie," she told her. "You had a scare and now you're afraid that if you hit a little patch of turbulence that it's going to send everything into a nosedive, but I really don't think you need to be so worried."

"What if you're wrong?"

"What if you're wrong?" Johanna replied.

"Then I'll feel foolish for being worried about it," Kate answered.

Johanna laughed softly. "Maybe you should just call him."

The emotion that had been in her eyes cleared and she looked at her mother as if she were crazy. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because…I didn't start it. I don't feel I should have to be the one to make the call."

"But it might make you feel better," Johanna said; although she knew that Kate wasn't going to pick up the phone.

"Let me ask you something," Kate said. "Did you call Dad when you two had an argument that he started back in your 'just friends' stage?"

Johanna laughed. "Hell no. If he started it then I expected him to finish it. He had to come to me."

Kate smiled. "Must be hereditary."

"No," she answered, "It's just our nature, but you could make an exception."

She shook her head. "No, I'll wait."

"How long?"

"I don't know, how long do you recommend?"

Johanna looked at her. "Not too long. See what happens tomorrow."

"Yeah, well just how am I supposed to act out you're 'let him know the door is still open advice'?"

"That's easy," Johanna replied. "If you're not angry then you don't act angry. You do what you always do, smile, make conversation, make eye contact, touch his hand, be yourself."

"You really think that's going to work?"

"I think it's a start. It'll break the ice and then the two of you can talk about it and work it out."

"What if it can't be worked out?" Kate questioned.

"Anything can be worked out if you love someone enough, Katie."

"But there's always that possibility of loving someone enough and it still falls apart and you get hurt."

"You can't avoid getting hurt," her mother told her. "It's just how things are. Even when it lasts, it can hurt at times. I've hurt for over a decade, I hurt right now, it's a part of life, it's a part of love."

"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it," Kate said. "Is it worth it if you're going to feel so much pain in relation to it?"

"It is," Johanna told her as she caught and held her gaze.

"How?" she asked. "Love is supposed to make you feel good; it shouldn't have to hurt."

"Katie, if it doesn't hurt sometimes than you're not doing it right," Johanna stated.

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's the truth," her mother declared; "And I think you know that."

Kate shook her head. "I honestly don't think I know much of anything in this area."

"I think you do, you just don't always listen to it; just like you know that loving someone means hurting sometimes."

"But why does it have to be that way? Why does there have to be hurt?"

"Because when you love someone, you form a bond with that person, an attachment. Your life becomes entangled in theirs, there's emotion involved and when something happens that causes you to feel hurt in regards to that relationship, that's the proof of the depth of your feelings. If you didn't hurt because of an argument, if you didn't miss that person when they aren't there, what would that tell you?"

She thought about it for a moment. "That there was nothing there to begin with."

"Exactly," Johanna said. "See, you know."

"But I don't want it to hurt."

Her mother smiled. "Honey, no one wants to hurt, but it happens and you can't let that keep you from having what you want. You just have to get up and keep going back. It's like ice cream, it's good and you love it and when you eat it too fast you get that sharp pain in your head but you don't stop eating ice cream just because it gets uncomfortable once in awhile."

Kate thought about that for a moment and then looked at her mother and laughed. "So love is like an ice cream headache?"

Johanna laughed and nodded. "Pretty much. You enjoy the ice cream, you get the headache, it goes away and then you enjoy it again; it's the same with love. You enjoy it, it hurts, and then you enjoy it again."

Kate continued to laugh for a moment. "Are you giving me advice or do you just have a craving for ice cream?"

Johanna grinned. "Both."

"Just to be clear, what is it exactly that you're trying to tell me with this analogy of yours?"

"I guess I'm trying to tell you to not be afraid of those moments when it hurts, because like the ice cream headache, eventually it goes away and things work out and in the end it's worth the struggle."

"But what if it can't be fixed and you lose everything, then what?" Kate asked.

Johanna sighed. "You're stuck on that aren't you?"

She nodded. "It seems that way."

"If it can't be fixed and you lose everything, then it wasn't meant to be," she told her. "But I really don't think that's the case here."

"You don't?"

"No."

"Why?"

She smiled and flipped the pages of the album back to the photo that had captured Kate's attention earlier that night and she took it from the page and handed it to her.

"Because I've been where you are now; that girl in that picture who looks so much like you, she felt the same way you do. She had her share of sleepless nights, worries and tears. She was afraid too, but she made it, she got to the other side and when she did, she found everything she had always wanted, and it was so very worth it."

Kate smiled and looked down at the picture she held, tears gathering in her eyes until she blinked them back and then looked to her mother. "So it'll be okay?" she asked her; just as she had always done as a kid.

Johanna nodded and laid a hand on her knee. "When the time is right, you'll get there. There may be a few bumps along the way, a few more sleepless nights, and the closer you get the more afraid you'll be, but it'll be okay."

"Promise?" she asked softly.

"I promise."

Kate smiled and nodded and then held out the picture for her to take back, but Johanna gently pushed her hand away.

"You keep that, I know you like it and it can be your reminder of how you're not the only one to walk this road."

Kate looked at the image once more and now it was more than just the resemblance she saw looking back at her. It was a whole way of life. Her mother had been in her place, her parents had taken a similar journey to the one she found herself on with Castle. They had been friends and colleagues. They had fallen in love and fought it, they danced around each other, they hurt each other, they came back to each other and in the end it all worked out; even now after a 13 year separation that love was still there, they were picking up the pieces, fighting for each other and rebuilding. It was in some ways a case of history repeating itself, only now that glimmer of hope Kate felt was a little stronger. She had the proof that things could work, she only had to look at the love story of her parents to see that.

"You sure I can keep this?" she asked.

"Yes," Johanna told her. "I want you to have it."

She laid it aside and then watched as her mother flipped the pages once again, coming back to the same photo she'd been drifting back to all evening, one from Atlantic City, the two of them looking so very smitten with each other as they sat at a poolside table. "You ready to tell me what you were really crying about?" Kate asked.

Johanna's fingers moved across the photo and her expression changed, and Kate knew that the tears weren't far behind. She offered her her hand and she took it, hanging on it as it were an anchor.

"I'm pretty sure it isn't just about being sentimental," Kate said gently.

"No, not all of it."

"What's the rest of it?"

"Being in love."

"Meaning?" she asked.

Johanna remained quiet, unsure of what exactly to say.

"You listened to me; I'm willing to return the favor."

She gave her a hint of a smile as she turned her tearful gaze towards her. "I miss my husband."

"He'll be back in the morning."

"I know," she said. "But I…I want to go home to him."

Kate nodded in understanding. "I know."

"I just miss him so much," Johanna cried. "I just miss what we had. Home isn't just the house we lived in; home is just being with him."

"It's better than it was," Kate said quietly. "You get to see him now."

"I know. I have no right to complain…I'm not even supposed to be here; the cards that were dealt for me were death or living a lie and yet I've made it back, so I shouldn't complain, not when it's my…"

"Don't," Kate told her as she squeezed her hand. "I know you like to blame yourself for everything but don't tonight, okay? You have a right to complain if you want to, no one expects you to be happy with how things are right now. You don't have to hold it in; if you need permission to let it out, then here it is, let it out. I'm not going to be mad or hold it against you."

Johanna swiped at her eyes but the tears kept coming. "I just never expected it to be so hard," she whispered. "Maybe I was naïve, maybe I do lack common sense or I just convinced myself that I could somehow make everything be alright and magically have my life back."

"But reality kicked in and showed you it wasn't going to be easy."

She nodded. "I don't know what's harder; being kept away from him for so long or being near him and yet still separated in some ways. It's supposed to be easier now, because I can see him, talk to him, touch him, and yet it's just getting harder, like tonight when I all want is to be with him. I feel like this girl," she said as she tapped the image of herself in that photograph she kept looking at. "She had something with him but it wasn't enough, she wanted more. Three years, Katie," she whispered. "Three years we did this dance of one step forward and two steps back and that's how it feels now, like we're stuck in this dance and song just won't end so you can move on to the next. It was easier back then."

"How so?" Kate asked; as she sympathized with her mother's feelings.

"Because back then I didn't know what it was like to move on to the next part of the dance. I didn't know what laid on the other side, but now; now I know what's on the other side. I know what it's like to be his and I don't want to do this dance again. I just want to be his wife, I just want to go home," she said as a sob broke free. "All I've wanted for the past 13 years is to go home and climb into my bed and stay there. I want to wake up in my house with my husband and forget this whole nightmare ever happened."

Kate shifted to sit closer to her and with her free hand she rubbed Johanna's arm. "We'll get you home," she promised. "This isn't going to last forever, you'll get there."

"I know," she cried. "But sometimes….it's just too much. It hurts not to be together. It hurts to watch him leave every night."

"It's going to be okay. It'll get better."

Johanna looked at her daughter and smiled warily and asked her the same question that Kate had asked her. "You promise?"

She nodded. "I promise…and tomorrow I'll bring home some ice cream."

Johanna laughed. "Good, because I like to have ice cream when I'm crying over a man."

Kate chuckled. "Me too, and the way things are going around here, we better stock up. What flavor do you want?"

"Strawberry," she replied. "But maybe you better get a variety."

"I will," she told her and then she looked at her. "Anything else on your mind tonight?"

She shook her head. "No, tonight it's all about your father."

"I guess you were right," Kate stated.

"About what?"

"I remember back in high school when Robby Kline dumped me two days before the dance and I asked you if dealing with guys ever got better and you said 'Hell no it only gets worse'."

Johanna laughed. "I told you so."

"There's your four favorite words," she teased.

"Well at least they've been proven."

"Yeah, but I'd rather they hadn't been," Kate remarked. "This sucks…for both of us."

Johanna nodded in agreement. "But at least we aren't alone, we have each other."

"Yeah, but you'd trade me in for Dad in a heartbeat," she replied with a grin.

Her mother smiled. "But I'd call you in the morning."

Kate laughed. "Thanks."

She chuckled lightly. "I know you'd trade me in for Rick, so I guess we're even."

Kate didn't confirm that statement but she didn't bother to deny it either and they laughed together for a minute before growing quiet.

They sat there side by side in the quiet, both of them nursing their bruised hearts and thinking about the men who had laid claim to them, and then Johanna closed the album and laid it aside and squeezed Kate's hand.

"It's just hard sometimes," Johanna said quietly, "To be content with what you have and to make yourself try and not want more because you know you can't have it."

"No one expects you to be content all the time, no one expects you to enjoy this or be happy just for the sole reason that you came back. It hasn't worked out the way you imagined but it's okay, you're working things out. Things are getting better…and you'll have more with time," she told her.

"I know, but it's the waiting that's the hard part," Johanna said; and then before Kate could respond she looked at her and smiled a little. "We better try and get some sleep."

They went through their motions of settling down for the night, checking the locks, turning off the lights and the television and then padding down the hallway to their rooms. They paused at their doorways, offered each other a reassuring smile and said goodnight.

---

At breakfast the next morning, Johanna looked across the table at her daughter and took in the worry still etched on her face and the light shadows beneath her eyes that the makeup hadn't been able to fully disguise. "Did you get any sleep?" she asked Kate.

"Some, but not a lot. How about you?"

She smiled. "Same as you."

Kate returned the smile. "I have a feeling that when this is over we're both going to sleep for days."

Johanna nodded. "I'm looking forward to it."

She laughed and then turned serious. "I've made a decision."

"About what?"

"About what we were going to do for the case," she replied. "That research we were going to start."

"What about it?"

"For now…we're going to hold off," Kate told her. "I'm going to wait and see what turns up about Shadow…but if I don't have something in a few weeks; then we're going to get to work."

"Alright," her mother agreed. "That sounds like a good plan."

Silence fell between them once more and Johanna studied her daughter casually as she picked at her breakfast. She knew it wasn't the case that was on Kate's mind, she knew it was still Rick who was overtaking her thoughts and she undertook the task of giving her a subtle pep talk in an attempt to soothe her nerves.

When the time came for Kate to leave, Johanna walked her to the door with her hand on her back. There had been a shift of sorts between them and they both felt it although they didn't speak of it but it was there all the same. The stirrings of their bond being re-enforced, of a small step of progress that had been made and for some reason that feeling of connecting with her mother gave her courage as she prepared herself to face the day. She'd go to work and she'd wait for Castle to bring her a cup of coffee and she'd take it from there….because surely he'd come back today….wouldn't he?

…To be continued