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Chapter 21

"Is it true?" Joey asked Chandler when he caught up with them in the kitchen. "You're really going to move back to New York?"

"It looks that way," Chandler said.

"Told you," Adrianna said and gave him an impish grin.

"I think it's great," Joey said.

"I do, too," Monica said. "And now I really need a label maker and some markers and boxes and bubble wrap…"

"Whoa, whoa, Mon, calm down. I need to go through a lot of this stuff, and then my company will hire professional packers and movers to take what we want. I don't want you doing anything strenuous."

"Strenuous?" she said, barely able to control her happiness at the thought of them moving to the East Coast. "Are you kidding? I plan to supervise!"

Chandler shook his head and laughed.

"Kinda sorry I won't be here for that," Joey said, rolling his eyes.

Monica playfully punched his arm; Adrianna laughed.

"Is there anything I can do when I get home?" Joey asked.

"I don't think so. My work will pay for us to stay at a hotel until I find a place to live, which I know could take a while."

"A hotel? You don't wanna stay at a hotel."

"We'll have to. At least for a little while."

"Not necessarily," Joey said with a twinkle in his dark eyes. "Your old room is available."

"That apartment is not big enough for the three of us."

"Rachel and Emma lived there."

"Emma was a baby. Adrianna needs a lot more space."

Monica coughed to get their attention.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked.

"What?"

"I have an extra bedroom, too."

"That's perfect," Joey said. "You can stay with me, and Adrianna can stay with Monica."

"I don't know," Chandler said. "Adrianna, what do you think? We would be right across the hall from each other, and I guess it would mostly be for sleeping and having a place to put your things."

"I can watch her until I go back to work," Monica offered.

"That's another thing," Chandler said. "I have to find daycare or a preschool for her."

"Rachel can tell you all about that. She loved the preschool Emma went to. Emma liked it, too, and it's in the area."

"I'm around a lot, too, and can help," Joey said. "I think this could work."

"I'm okay with it if my daughter is. Adrianna, what do you think?"

"Let's be with Uncle Joey and Monica," she said.

"Are you sure?" Chandler asked.

She nodded.

"Okay," he said. "I guess that's settled."

Joey and Monica high-fived each other while Chandler and Adrianna looked on.

"Hey," Joey said. "You guys have to learn to do that if you're gonna be livin' with us."

"That's right," Monica said. "You might as well get used to it. Starting now."

Saying good-bye to Joey at the airport wasn't nearly as emotional as it had been the previous times. Knowing they were going to see each other in a few weeks made the farewell more lighthearted. The fact that Christy showed up to say good-bye to Joey and that he didn't seem surprised by it added to the relaxed mood. Afterward, the trio stopped at a kid-friendly restaurant to eat dinner.

"When do we go?" Adrianna asked her father after they had ordered their dinner.

"To New York?"

"Yeah."

"Not for a few weeks. I have a lot of things to take care of."

"I'm going to help," Monica informed them.

"I appreciate that," Chandler said and smiled.

"Can I tell Emma?" Adrianna asked.

"Yes. Maybe we'll call this weekend."

"Oh, boy!"

Chandler noticed a subtle change in Monica's otherwise cheerful demeanor at the mention of Emma. He made a mental note to ask her about it when they were alone.

While Adrianna munched on chicken nuggets and slices of apples, Chandler and Monica enjoyed their more adult meal.

"You'll have to start telling me what you like to eat," Monica said to Adrianna. "I'll make a list, and then I'll know what to cook for you while you're staying with me."

"Monica," Chandler said, grateful for the offer but not wanting to put undue pressure on her, "I don't expect you to cook for my daughter."

"Why not?" she asked, trying not to be offended. "You know how much pleasure it gives me."

"Yes, but I don't want you to think you have to take care of her that way."

"What if I want to?" she retorted. "Adrianna, you have not eaten spaghetti until you've tasted it with my homemade sauce. I can create any kind of soup you like or casserole or even macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it."

Adrianna giggled as she looked at her father and then back to Monica. "You know about that?"

"I most certainly do," Monica said, her blue eyes dancing mischievously.

"Okay, okay," Chandler said and grinned in spite of himself. "I'll give you that one. But that doesn't mean…"

"Would you leave the menu planning to me?" Monica said. "I want to do this, Chandler. Please?"

He shook his head, but he knew she had won the battle. "You're amazing, do you know that?"

"That's sweet of you to say. I haven't been for a while, but I'm trying."

"I think you're doing great."

"I wish everyone did."

There was that look of sadness again. He was definitely going to talk to her about that.

While they lingered over coffee and Adrianna took her time finishing her milk, an elderly couple approached their table.

"We don't mean to intrude," the wife said, "but we couldn't help but notice how well-behaved your daughter is."

"Thank you," Chandler said, giving Adrianna an encouraging smile.

"You see all these rug rats running around, making noise," the husband added.

They actually hadn't until the man mentioned it.

"We know this restaurant is known for catering to children of all ages. We wouldn't come here except we really enjoy the pot pies."

"And the apple pie," the husband added with a chuckle.

Monica and Chandler laughed.

"We won't bother you anymore," the wife said. "We just wanted to tell you how refreshing it is to see such a wonderful family enjoying a dinner together. It's so rare nowadays."

"Oh, we're not a…" Chandler began and then stopped when he saw how Monica's face lit up at the compliment.

"Thank you," he said instead.

"We made fifty years," the wife added. "We wish you lovely people the same. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Monica said, the smile never leaving her face.

As soon as they hit the road, Adrianna fell asleep in her car seat and did not wake up even when Chandler got her ready for bed and laid her down.

"I think she's out for the night," he told Monica when he spotted her in the almost barren family room. "Why are we in here?"

"Returning to the scene of the crime?" she said, with a humorless laugh.

He gave her a quizzical look. "I don't understand."

"A lot has been revealed because of what happened in this room," she said.

"That's true. I noticed a hint of sadness or something like it on your face when Adrianna mentioned Emma. Did something happen?"

"I called home today. I talked to Ross and Rachel and my parents. They were very taxing conversations, and yet I felt a little homesick when I heard their voices."

"It's probably going to take me more than three weeks to make this move. I know you can do whatever you want after thirty days. If you want to return to New York, I completely understand."

"No," Monica said, her voice a bit too shrill even to her own ears. "No, that's not what I want. At all. What I wanted to say was thank you for making this so easy for me. New York is going to be hard. I know that. But being here with you and Adrianna and Joey has been great. I know I'm probably hiding from reality, but that's okay for now. Right? Like tonight. We were just eating a meal and look at the compliment we received. Chandler, we weren't even trying. We were just being us, and it works. At least for me. I want easy right now. I need easy. And I think you do, too. Please don't send me away. I want to be here. I need to be here. I want to help. I really do. And I may need you to return the favor once we arrive in Manhattan."

"Monica," he said, drawing her into the circle of his strong arms, "you know I'll help you any way I can. I'm sorry today was rough for you."

"I know I've messed up big time," she said, laying her head against his chest, "and I don't expect instant forgiveness. I don't. But a little, just a little, understanding would go a long way towards helping me. Is that too much to ask from my own family?"

"Of course not. Mon, you're trembling. Are you okay?"

"Not really," she admitted. "I'm feeling anxious and jittery like I did when I was taking the pills. My counselor warned me this could happen."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Hold me," she said, snuggling closer to him.

He held her and rubbed her back as he tried to help her calm down.

"Now, I'm getting a headache," she said. "I haven't felt this way since I was desperate to take those pills I found in here."

"Is it this room?" he asked. "Let's go to another part of the house."

She sighed. "Unfortunately, I think it's more than just being in this room. I feel like I'm having a mild but very real panic attack."

"Do you need to call or see someone?"

She looked up at Chandler and nodded.

"Yeah, I do. My counselor said I shouldn't go through something like this alone. I think I need to call my sponsor."

"Do whatever you need to. I hope your sponsor can help."

"Thanks. Me, too."

Reluctantly, she left the warmth and security of Chandler's arms and made her way into his bedroom. She closed the door and then retrieved her cell phone from her purse and pushed the number for her sponsor.

"Hi," she said, her voice a bit shaky. "It's Monica. I really need to talk to you. I think I'm having a mild but kinda scary panic attack. I'm experiencing the same symptoms I had when I was taking the drugs. This hasn't happened since I went through withdrawal. It's starting to freak me out. Can you help me? Please?"

"Take a deep breath, Monica. Are you sitting down?"

"I am now," she said, after sitting on the bedspread. "Oh, man, my heart is beating so fast."

"Don't talk. Just concentrate on your breathing. Find something to focus on and breathe."

Monica focused on the digital clock with the green numbers on the nightstand as she tried to get her heart rate under control.

"Keep taking deep breaths," the soothing female voice coached her.

Monica did as instructed and finally felt herself starting to relax.

"Your breathing sounds less labored. How do you feel?"

"Better," Monica said, the heaviness in her chest dissipating.

"Is someone with you?"

"Chandler is in the house, but I'm alone in the bedroom with the door closed. I thought this needed to be anonymous. Is that okay?"

"If you're okay with it, that's fine, but I'm glad you're not there by yourself. How's your breathing?"

"Better. My headache is starting to ease up, too."

"Good. Whenever you feel like talking, tell me what you think might have triggered this episode."

"I think…I think it's because I talked to my parents today, and then I told Chandler about it. Maybe I wasn't ready, but I thought I was. It was especially hard to talk to my mom, but I thought I should check in with them since I'd been putting the burden on my brother to keep them informed about my progress."

"You felt guilty? That's why you called them?"

"Yes," Monica said, looking up at the ceiling. "I…I guess so."

"We haven't talked much about guilt. Have you discussed it with your counselor?"

"Some. I guess we'll be talking more about it?"

"You guessed right. Guilt is a powerful emotion, Monica. I think you need to bring this up at your next session."

"Okay. I will."

"Do we need to meet?"

"I think I'm okay. I'm calmer and my physical symptoms aren't so bad."

"Call me anytime, and call me if we need to meet again after your next session like we did the last one. I'm available for you, Monica. I want you to know that."

"I do, and I appreciate that. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is it okay if we talk about being at the airport earlier?"

"Yes," Christy said. "I wanted to mention it, but I wanted to make sure you were okay first. Your well-being is my top priority."

"Okay, so how did you manage to keep a straight face when we saw each other? I almost screamed when I saw you with Joey. Is this too weird for you?"

"No. I had a feeling the Monica Joey's been telling me about was you," Christy said. "Seeing you at the airport just confirmed what I'd already suspected. Is it too weird for you? You can always ask for another sponsor. I'll understand."

"I don't know why, but I did not connect the name. At all. And you are great. I don't want to change sponsors. But how crazy is this?"

"Very. And you know neither of us can say anything to Joey or Chandler for that matter."

"That's what I figured. Can I ask does Joey know about your past?"

"No. We've been pretty casual, but this time when he told me he was leaving, I don't know. I realized I was really going to miss him. He's a great guy. A little slow at times, but so funny and well, adorable. That's why I went to the airport. I needed to see him one more time."

"That's so sweet."

"We'll see what happens. I guess if we continue a long-distance relationship, I'll have to tell him that I'm a recovering addict. But I know we're not there yet. You sound better. How do you feel?"

"Much better. I'm not shaking, and I think the craving has passed. I hope this doesn't happen a lot."

"Each person is different, Monica, but this could happen to you again. And again. Sometimes, you may not even know why, but if you can identify the suspected cause, it helps."

Monica sighed. "Just something else for me to get used to."

"It's a day by day battle, Monica. I won't lie to you."

"I get it. I think. Thanks, Christy. You've been wonderful, as usual. I think I'm going to curl up on this comfortable bed and take a little nap."

"Sometimes that's the best thing to do. Maybe treat yourself to a bubble bath and a nice cup of hot tea. Those types of things really do work to soothe your body. Not to mention your mind and soul."

"Spoken like someone who's been there."

"Believe me, I have. Many times."

"I'll take your advice. Thanks again."

"You're welcome. Hope you continue to feel better. But call if you need to. Anytime."

Once the conversation ended, Monica stretched out on top of the bed and let her mind wander. She just wanted a few moments of respite. For the first time, when she had been focusing on the clock radio, she realized she had been staring at a clock that had probably been used by Chandler and Stephanie to wake them up every morning and that the bed she now laid on had been theirs. She had been so relieved to be out of the hospital that she hadn't fully comprehended what it meant when Chandler told her she would be in his room. But now she was thinking about it. And it made her feel uneasy. She wanted to get up and tell Chandler she would move back into the guest room, but the mattress was so comfortable. Her back felt so supported. Just a few more minutes to rest. That's all she needed. She was exhausted, but she would get up. Except she could barely keep her eyes open. Just one more minute, and then she would find Chandler. Just one more minute….

An hour later, Chandler stood outside his bedroom door. He wanted to give Monica her privacy, but he also wanted to make sure she was all right. He saw light streaming under the door. He softly knocked and when he didn't hear a response, he opened the door slightly and peeked inside. What he saw made him do a double-take. For a second, for a very brief but real second, he saw Stephanie curled up on their bed, sound asleep. The image rooted him to the spot for several heart-pounding moments and then he told himself to get it together. That was not Stephanie lying there; that was Monica. She was sleeping peacefully and needed to be covered with a blanket.

He tiptoed to the bed and placed the blanket he found over her slender form. He whispered goodnight and gently kissed her soft hair before leaving the room the same way he had entered it.

Once he had silently closed the door, he leaned back against the wall and exhaled a ragged breath.

Oh, yeah, he thought, as he tried to erase the vision of Stephanie lying on that bed, it is definitely time to leave this house.