Me: I have to be honest. I seriously thought about canceling the story. I was having bad writers block, but a shit load of ideas for other books. But then I was listening to the radio and I heard the perfect song, and I knew that it would be the one for Bella to write. So I am not even going to have Alfred make an appearance (not that you guys can see him but…) I am going to go right to the chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything twilight, it all belongs to SM. Nor do I own any of Sheryl Crow's songs, including 'The first cut is the deepest'.

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Chapter 18. Reasons.

EPOV

I wanted to see Bella. No, I needed to see Bella. At least talk to her, but even I wouldn't see her for a while, and she wouldn't talk to me. I wasn't leaving for good, but I would be gone for a week and a half to visit my friends and some Aunts and Uncles I had up there. It was not going to be fun to be away from Bella and I was dreading it. But then all this stuff happened with Bella, like she was having a meltdown. I didn't know what to do, my first instinct was to comfort her, but she wouldn't let me in the room. I had nearly thrown Jasper out of the way when he said that I couldn't go in the music room. Then he told me that she didn't want to see me.

So here I was on an airplane going to Chicago. Without my Bella.

BPOV

"Bella, do you need a break?" Rose asked, after I had started crying again.

"No, I'm fine. I think that I'm going to play on the guitar. Jasper, you can go back to base. Alice, you are perfect right where you are, same with you Emmet. But Alice?"

"Yeah Bella? What do you need hun?"

"Will you please be my backup singer?"

"Bella you know I don't sing a lot." Alice said.

"Yeah, I know. But I know you can do this." She agreed after a while, and we went back to practicing. The whole practice was to critique the song.

"Let's do that part again. I think we should slow down the tempo, and add more bass. Alive turn up your sound too."

"I want to sing that part again. I hit that note wrong." So on, and so on.

No one had questioned the lyrics, but I could tell that they didn't know….anything.

I knew that my parents were really worried. I barely saw them, I went to school, but didn't talk to anyone; I came home and didn't talk to anyone. The only time I talked was when we were working on the song, but I couldn't help it. I needed for Edward to hear this, for me and for him. So I needed it to be right. After what seemed like only a few minutes, the whole week was gone and it was the night before the concert. We had the song down, and there was only one thing left to do. Explain. I had to explain the song to my best friends. The deserved that, and I would need them to help me when I saw Edward after the concert.

We were all sitting in my room, Jasper, Alice, Rose and Emmet. They all had concerned faces on, and I knew it was for me. I knew now was the time to speak.

"I am going to explain the song to you guys. But first I want to thank you. You all are the best friends anyone could hope for. And I have no idea how I deserve you."

"Bella stop, you are a wonderful person, and we love you. Now please tell us what's going on." Emmet said. Always the strait forward one.

"It's really not what's going on, it's what happened. It's why I don't know if I can ever really love Edward. Because even though I know he would never hurt me on purpose…..I can't tell the future and he could do it without even trying."

"Who hurt you Bella?" Alice asked.

"My first love.

It was two years ago, so I was 16. I was dating Mike Newton. I had been his girlfriends for about a month, and he was always the perfect gentlemen. We hadn't gone very far, make out sessions was about it. But I could tell that he wanted more. He was always nice about it, but he would press me.

One night we were at his house. Mike said that he had called my parents and that they knew I was there. I found out later that they thought I was at Angles house. We were in his room hanging out, not really doing much, I was one his bed listening to music and he was just walking around.

Then he came over to me, and started kissing me, I didn't put up a fight, it wasn't a horrible thing, kissing him, but there were no fireworks like I had always read about. Then his hand started moving towards my shirt. He was trying to unbutton it. I caught his hands and broke away from the kiss. He started kissing my jaw and neck.

"Mike, no. Not know I'm not ready." I told him.

"But I am. Come on baby. You know you want me." I started to feel sick. I didn't want to do this.

"No." I said but I knew my voice wavered. He looked up.

"Why? You love me don't you?"

"Yes, but-"

"I love you too; you are just too sexy to pass up any longer come on." He kissed me before I could say anything. The kiss wasn't gentle, it was ruff. And I couldn't breakaway. He ripped my shirt open, and…"

I focused my eyes, I was so into the story that I didn't relies that I was about to tell my best friends the worst moment of my life. The just needed to hear the facts not the details.

"It's not like he raped me. Or not in the sense that every girl has a fear of. He was saying yes, and I was saying no. After a while I gave up. I thought I loved him, and I knew that this was what he wanted. So I just gave myself up." I was staring at the carpet, when I looked up there was a range of expressions.

Jasper and Emmet looked murderous. Like they could go kill Mike right now. Rose looked murderous too, but also scared and sad. Alice had a look of pure concern, worry, and horror on her face. She came up and hugged me.

"Bella, what really happened? Did he really break up with you?" Jasper asked in a voice so calm that it was that much more threatening.

"Um…no. Not exactly." I had tears flowing down my eyes again, I wiped them away angrily. I had been crying so much this past two weeks. "The next day,

I went over to his house to talk to him. I really regretted that I gave myself up to him. When I walked in his bedroom, there was a girl on his bed and he was having sex with her. Telling her the same things that he had told me the night before. When he looked up, he just smiled. I laughed in disgust. And asked if I wanted to get in on the action. I nearly puked right then, but the grief was a much stronger emotion. He had told me he loved me, and that I was the only one that had his heart. But all I was to him was another body. I ran out of the room then. He ran after me and grabbed my arm.

"Bella where are you going?" Mike asked

"Home, you bastard."

"Why? I just offered you another round."

"With another girl. You said you loved me. You said I was the only one. How could you?" I asked. My voice wasn't above a whisper, and I knew I sounded weak.

"You are just another bitch. Deal with it. You sound like I wasn't the one doing you a favor."

After that I ran out of the room." Everyone was silent. And they all had the same expressions; except Emmet and Jasper's anger had multiplied it looked like.

"That's why I wrote the song. Edwards needs to know, that I don't know if I can love him. Because the even if I didn't love Mike, truly love him. He was my first love, and the first cut is the deepest. I don't think that I could ever live through that kind of hurt again. Even though I know Edward would never cheat on me, what if he leaves me?" I started to cry harder.

"He won't, he won't. Edward is falling in love with you. We all can see it." Rose said. She was hugging me too. All of the sudden Emmet stood up, scaring me.

"I am going to kill that son of a bitch! How dare he! He will wish he was never born! I can promise you that Bella." He yelled.

"I'm right behind you man. How dare he do that to our Bella! He will pay!"

"Boys!" Alice shouted. "Stop now! Bella is hurting, focus!"

"He is the reason she is hurting though! If you think that I am just going to stand here and let him get away with it you are wrong!" Emmet shouted. I looked over at Jasper, he looked just as livid.

"Please don't." I pleaded. "I don't care about Mike. But I do care about Edward. And that's my problem, I don't know if I can do anymore than care for him. What if I let myself fall in love with Edward? What if I do and then I tell him? And then" my voice broke, but I kept going "he doesn't feel the same way, or he leaves? I can't go through that again. I can't, I just can't." I started sobbing. Hard. But I needed to get it out. Then I heard one of the last voices that I thought I would hear in a calm voice. It was Emmet of all people who had been shouting this whole time.

"Bella? Hey, hey, hey. Bella look at me." I looked up to see him crouching in front of me. Emmet swallowed me in a hug. "Girly, its ok. Do you know why they call it falling in love? Do you?" I shook my head. "Because you take a chance. You take a chance on what's going to happen, on how it's going to end, and on the person you are in love with. I know that you can't go through that again. And you wont. But you have to take that chance with Edward. Who knows how things will end up. I don't and you don't nobody does. But that's the fun part baby."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry harder. Laugh because Emmet had just said something not only serious but also smart and wise. It was a once in a life time thing. And cry because every single solitary thing he just said was true.

So I wiped the last tear from my eye and looked at everyone. "Let's go through the song one more time." And we did. I didn't cry, but for the first time since we got the assignment I felt something. I felt hope. And so I sang the fear, the sadness, the unknown, and the new found hope into the song. I stepped back from the microphone as the song ended.

"Bella, that was beautiful."

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Me: Well there it is. I hope you all liked it. The next chapter will be the song. Please review and tell me what you think! :D

P.S. Sorry for all the errors. I didn't have time to reread it, and I didn't want to put you all off any longer. So, sorry. :)