No Love

Chapter 21

Ezra

He'd been rough with her. What the hell had he'd been thinking? Ms. Montgomery probably hated his guts. Maybe it's for the best, the voice in his head spoke. He couldn't keep having sex with her. He didn't want her catching feelings for him. He wasn't a guy to love. He had so many flaws. He didn't want her liking him, perhaps even loving him.

He hadn't seen her in weeks. He had kept his distance. He didn't want her getting the wrong idea. He still didn't want any type of relationship with her. He wouldn't be a father to her kid. Fucking her had been great but he couldn't make it official. He just couldn't give her what she needed. He wasn't the type of guy to tell a girl that he missed her.

He had never been a sentimental guy. He'd always ditched girls after sleeping with them, but Ms. Montgomery had been different. He had wanted more with her. He hadn't been able to just leave after doing her once. He had gone back for more. He had kept coming back for more of her. His dick had a mind of its own when it came to her. He'd always found it easy leaving a girl afterwards, but that had changed with Ms. Montgomery.

He couldn't get her out his blood, out his head. He didn't want her on an emotional level. He didn't do emotions. He didn't want to give her hope where there was none. He had nothing to give. He had no love to share. He didn't believe in love, and he sure as hell didn't love her. He couldn't commit to just one person.

Ezra liked sleeping around, liked fucking every girl he came across. Sex was fun. He enjoyed it. A physical relationship was the only thing he could ever offer a girl. He wouldn't offer more or less than that. He wouldn't change who he was, especially not for Ms. Montgomery. Ms. Montgomery had known about his reputation before becoming involved with him. She had known about his whoring ways.

He wouldn't apologize for being him. She had known. He had been up front from the start, clear in what he'd wanted from her, what he'd been after. She hadn't exactly told him no. She had wanted him too. Hell, she still wanted him. He still wanted her too. He wanted to be inside her, thrusting to his heart's content.

He didn't care that she'd been heavily pregnant. Sex had never been so good with anyone else but her. He came so hard with her every time. She got his body, understood it in a way that he understood hers. Her body had come accustom to his. He knew what she liked and what she didn't. He knew all her hot spots, all her weak points. He knew just how far to go inside her aching hot walls.

Her moans and cries told him how to direct his thrusts. Her fingers knew the map of his body. Her lips knew the scope of his mouth, the familiar feel of his tongue merged with hers. She couldn't fake how he made her feel. It was the same for him too. When they had sex, he gave her all of him, never holding back. The thought of hiding his body's reaction to her sounded cruel. He wanted her to know just how she made him feel, what she did to him.

His body came alive whenever she touched him, kissed him, and stroked him in that knowing way of hers. When their bodies were connected, he didn't know where his ended and hers began. No human could feel what he felt when they were together; loving so hard that it stole their breaths, their ability to think in the other's company. She got him, all of him. She had the capability to see inside of him, to see what he didn't want others to see. She saw just how broken he was on the inside. She saw all his pain, all his hurt. She saw way into his retched soul, and he didn't know how to deal with that.

He didn't want Ms. Montgomery seeing his vulnerabilities. He didn't want her thinking he was weak, some lost little boy. He wanted her to see him as a man, a lover. He couldn't cry in front of her. It wasn't because he felt she would exploit his weakness, but because she would start to love him, see him as something she could fix, change. He didn't want her pity. Her pity would kill him slowly. He'd seen the way she had acted when she'd read his mother's letter.

He had seen the understanding in her big brown beautiful eyes. She had not only felt his pain, but his mother's pain as well. She had put herself in his mother's shoes. Had his mother made the right choice? Could he ever forgive her? Did he even want to? His mother inability to love him had cut him deep, deeper than a person could hurt someone. He didn't know if he could ever understand her reasons for giving him up, not being a part of his life growing up. She could have fought for him, could have fought to get better. She had simply given up on him. He didn't know if he believed in her love.

A mother's love was supposed to be the greatest gift in the entire world. To him, his mother had been weak, unfeeling. She didn't know about real love. She didn't have the ability to love someone other than herself. He didn't even know if she had really loved his father, that faceless man with the unfamiliar name. He didn't want any type of a relationship with her. The day she had given him up had been the day his love had died for her. She had instilled his trust issues, his inability to love.

He could love no one. He had no love. He lacked the emotion for it. He didn't need his mother anymore. Once he had wanted her in life but not anymore. He had grown up. He wasn't angry that Ms. Montgomery, who was smart and sexy could relate to his mother. Her own mother had abandoned her too.

He couldn't be like Ms. Montgomery. He couldn't easily forgive a wrong done to him. It was best if his mother kept her distance from him. He didn't know what he would do if she showed up at his house again. He didn't trust himself to keep a handle on his temper. He would only say things that would hurt her feelings. To him, she didn't fucking exist. He didn't give a flying fuck about her.

Ezra didn't want any of her pathetic letters. Her words would only serve to infuriate him more. In his heart he only felt hate for her, for the woman who had given him up like he'd been yesterday's trash to be disposed of. He took it personal. She had made it sound as though he, Ezra had been the cause of all her misery. He wished she had just terminated her pregnancy. Wished he never had been born. He didn't care what that letter said, giving him up had been her saving grace.

He shook his head. He didn't want to think of his mother. She had made her choice. It had been a choice she had lived with. He won't make it easy for her. He wouldn't reach out to her. She had no right to interfere in his life. Her letting him go had relinquished all her rights in his life.

He didn't owe her anything. She was the person who had abandoned him. He wouldn't feel bad for the way he was treating her. She had drawn the line in the sand first. He pulled the shirt over his head as he ran through his neighborhood and slung the shirt over his neck, his bare chest and taunt abdomen gleaming with sweat. He relished in the burning sensation of his muscles, running as fast as he could. Exercising calmed him. He needed to be in shape before school started back next week.

Basketball camp had prepared him for the upcoming games. This season of basketball would be crucial. He couldn't afford to make mistakes. His future depended on it. He was ready to dominate, to be scouted. He was more than ready to prove himself. He was the best. He wanted every talent scout who came out to see him to know that. This was his only shot.

Graduation wasn't that far behind. He had applied to a lot of universities. He was waiting for their response. He was not only good in sports, but academically too. He'd always been good. And it killed him that Ms. Montgomery knew that about him. But he didn't want to think about her either. Thinking about her only made his dick hard.

His determination and love of basketball was all he had going for him. He slowed his pumping legs when he came upon his house. He tensed, seeing a familiar Red Nissan parked in the driveway. What did she want? He didn't want to see Ms. Montgomery. He just wanted to forget her. He couldn't get distracted. Not now. He wanted her to leave.

His face wasn't inviting as he climbed the steps to reach her. His steel blue eyes roamed over small frame, skittering on her protruding belly. His heart was beating incredibly fast. He didn't know why. Pregnancy really looked good on her. She looked amazing, her face as stunning as ever. Lustful thoughts coursed through his veins but he clamped down on them quick. He wouldn't go there.

She made a beautiful picture with her maternity blouse and loose slacks. She wore her long dark hair in the usual bun on the top of her head, thick silky tendrils falling along her creamy neck. He wanted to fist the luscious locks, to run his fingers through the cool soft tresses. She has so many appealing attributes, including her shimmering big brown eyes. He craved her. A selfish part of him wanted her to be his, wanted to be able to love her. He just wasn't that guy. He would never been that guy.

He could read the apprehension on her stunning face. She didn't know what to say to him. What had she come there to say? Was it about the kid? He didn't want any part of its life. He could read the desire in her eyes. She tried to hide it, but he saw it. She had feelings for him. Her countenance said it all. He cursed inwardly. How could she be that stupid to develop real feelings for him?

Had he done something wrong? Had he given her mixed signals? He was sure he hadn't. Ms. Montgomery was smarter than that. She had known not to care for him. He would only hurt her in the end. It was only supposed to be sex between them, nothing more. Had she confused great sex with love? He was sure she had been in love before. A woman with her looks had had plenty of men vying for attention. Was he that good of a lover? He arrogantly smirked inside. Of course he was.

"What are you doing here?" he asked rather rudely and wiped his face with the shirt hanging around his neck. "I was hoping to avoid you".

She flinched at his blunt spoken words.

"I found these letters on the porch when I arrived," Aria said and held up the stack of letters tied together with a beautiful green ribbon. "I picked them up because I didn't want them getting wet".

It had rain early that morning. It was still drizzling a little. He looked at the cloudy sky, loving the scented air of salt and fresh rain. He'd always liked the rain ever since he'd been a little boy. It had always soothed him. He looked back at her, eyeing the letters in her small pale hands. He knew who they were from. He didn't want to read anymore of his mother's excuses.

"You keep them," he said flatly, glancing down at the letters with hate. "I don't see the point of reading them. My mother made her choice years ago. She doesn't get the right to reach out to me. Not anymore. I don't need her or her damn letters".

She nodded and hugged the bound letters to her plump breasts.

"I'll keep them in case you want to read them later," Ms. Montgomery said simply. "That way you'll know where they are".

She wasn't getting it. He didn't want to ever read any of those letters.

"You don't get it, do you?" he asked angrily as his steel blue eyes gazed down into hers. "I don't want to read my mother's sappy letters. She can keep that sentimental shit to herself, because I don't want to hear it".

He read the slight trace of pity in her big brown eyes. He cursed viciously and his hands curled into fists at his side, and then he bit down on his tongue to keep back the retort on the tip of his tongue. He wasn't aiming to hurt her feelings. She didn't deserve his anger. His mother did. This was all her fault. He paced back and forth on the porch to calm the whirling tornado of anger inside him. He had to keep a level head.

"I think I do," Ms. Montgomery said perceptivity, not looking away from the intensity of his gaze. "You'll thank me later. It doesn't seem like it right now, but you'll understand when you're ready".

Why did she have to be so god damn rational?

"Whatever you say, teacher," Ezra said mockingly. "You're going to do what you want anyway, regardless of how I feel".

She walked over to him, forcing him to stop his aimless pacing. His nostrils flared as she palmed the side of his face, her other hand placed up against his chest. He tried not to think about how much he loved her touch, the feel of her hands on his skin. He inhaled the scent of oranges that cling to her body, wanting her scent on him. Blind lust filled his eyes and he shook his head clear of the need to possess her. Fucking her wasn't going to happen. Who knew how far her feelings for him went. He wouldn't take that chance.

She had to know that he wasn't interested in her anymore. He didn't know what other way he could tell her. Cutting her completely off sucked but he had to do what he had to. He couldn't catch feelings for her. It was too risky. Hurting her feelings wasn't something he wanted to do. He just wanted her to get the message. They couldn't be anything other than sex buddies.

He would never trust a girl with his heart. It was better if he kept his heart heavily guarded. He wouldn't be hurt if he wasn't attached to someone. Love wasn't in the cards for him. He didn't believe in it. Love was for suckers, and he wasn't one of those.

He took hold of her tiny wrist in his hand, his fingers brushing her fine smooth skin. She licked her wide ruby lips and released a breathy moan. His eyes glanced to that sexy mouth of hers. There were a million things he wanted to do with her sweet little mouth. He wanted her plump lips wrapped around his dick. He could imagine her sucking on him slow, hard, and deep, drawing him deeper and deeper until he hit the back of her throat each time. Mmm… what an image that took shape inside his head. What was it like to come inside her mouth? He would never know.

Ezra looked back into her face. He couldn't look away. Had she known what he'd been thinking? Her eyes were slightly hazy as though she was drunk or high. He felt it too, felt the strong chemistry between them. The air was almost stifling. It was so hard for him to breathe. He had to get away from her. Things always happened when they were alone together.

He wanted to make her feel good, really, really good. He bit his bottom lip to keep from voicing it. He had to get a grip. Ms. Montgomery was just a woman after all. There was no way that she had power over him, over his thoughts and desires. He was giving her way too much credit. He didn't want her to know just how much she affected him. He wasn't some whipped dog that drooled in her mere presence.

He let go of her wrist and backed away. He had to start thinking with his head. Not his dick. His dick always got him into trouble. Continuing to sleep with Ms. Montgomery was asking for trouble. He didn't need any more complications in his already fucked up life. She needed someone better than him, a guy worthy of her attention. Being involved with him degraded her somehow.

"I don't know why I'm here," Ms. Montgomery said with confusion and crossed her arms over her swollen breasts, the stack of letters tucked underneath her arm. "I was just going for a drive and ended it here".

He didn't ask why.

"I need to shower," he said and headed for the front door, hoping she would get the hint and leave. "I'll see you around".

He was an ass.

"How can you do that?" she asked calmly. He turned back around and faced her questioning eyes. What did she want from him? "How can you pretend like I don't exist or have any kind of feelings? I'm not like you. I can't just ignore what we did. Not once but four times".

It was simple, he didn't feel. Not for anyone.

"It's called self-preservation". His steel blue eyes were blank as he stared back into her big brown eyes. "If you don't feel, then you can't get hurt".

It was very sad that he thought that way, Aria expressed internally. He was a lost soul just like her. She hated the way that he protected himself, kept a deep part of him hidden from the world. That was no way to live, to be afraid of people getting too close. He feared getting hurt again. He didn't think he could be loved, or that someone could actually love him. His issues mirrored her own. She too was scared of getting hurt.

"Sometimes we allow fear to rule our lives". She wanted him to know that she got him. She could see the real him. "I'm living proof of that".

Was he afraid?

"You know what I don't get?" he asked evenly, raking her with his eyes. "I don't get why you give a fuck about me. I know that you love me, and for the life of me, I can't understand why. It's all so fucked up".

Did she love him?

Sure she cared about him.

He was the father to her unborn child.

Honestly, she didn't know what she felt towards him.

She was confused.

"Sometimes I don't get me". Aria knew that she wasn't perfect. She had flaws just like the rest of the human population. "I don't always make the best decisions".

He didn't stop her from leaving and watched as she drove away. Inviting her inside his house would have led to sex, extremely hot incredible sex. He shook his head. He couldn't think about that. It would have been disastrous. Getting lost inside her walls wasn't smart. He had more important things to think about. Like school and basketball.

Ms. Montgomery and her kid was the least of his worries. She would be just fine without him. She was more equipped to take care of it. Not him. His kid would be better without him in its life. His kid, it sounded right. How could the most stunning woman be carrying his child? He'd never thought about having a wife or children in his future. Getting a good education and playing professional basketball had always been his top priorities.

He found himself thinking who the kid would favor in looks. Would it be him, or Ms. Montgomery? If the kid looked like him, then everyone would know Ezra was the father. He didn't want Ms. Montgomery getting fired, or worse, going to jail. Pursuing her had been his fault. She hadn't wanted to sleep with him. Ezra had taken the choice out of her hands, coaxed her into being with him. He'd been the aggressor. Not her, never her.

Ms. Montgomery rocked his world. She made his body burn with unexplainable lust. She was buried beneath his skin, running through his veins. He couldn't shake the feeling of being inside her, being with her. Sleeping with other girls couldn't obliterate his time with Ms. Montgomery. It didn't matter how hard he fucked them. He couldn't erase Ms. Montgomery from his mind, his blood. He didn't know if he wanted to.

Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with him? Ending it with a girl had always been easy. He had never been stuck on them. He didn't want anybody but her kissing on him, sexing him. Did that make him a fool? Yes, the voice said in his head. He didn't want to think about Ms. Montgomery anymore. Why couldn't he say her name? Because saying her name would mean you want something more with her, the voice said again. Did he? No. He was sure of it.

There you go, another update for you guys. Ezra just has a lot weighing on him at the moment. He doesn't know how to explain these growing feelings towards Aria. He's a little in denial. And he's dealing with mommy issues. What did you guys think of the chapter? Please review and let me know your amazing thoughts! I'll be updating again next Friday or sooner. It all depends on my mood/schedule.