Grasping to control

So I better hold on – Green Day

Pam's words of the meeting with Sophie-Anne repeat a few times in my head. "And the likelihood of getting Eric's memory back before the meeting," I ask Octavia.

"Almost nonexistent," she says brutally but honestly. "I will be able to get the supplies during the day and could perform the spell that could potentially identify the witch who cursed Eric tomorrow night. Even if that works, the likelihood of finding the witch and," she pauses to look to Pam before continuing, "persuading her to break the spell before you would have to leave to make it to the meeting is very low."

I let out a sigh. Eric was in no condition to be of any help to the Queen at right now. So, of course with our luck, now would be the time Threadgill would want a meeting with the Queen. One she felt threatened enough to demand Eric's presence and mine. "Hey," I say thinking about the situation. "Is there any chance of Threadgill being behind any of this? The Weres? The spell on Eric?"

Pam looks to Octavia who takes that as a hint that a conversation is starting with information she probably shouldn't hear. "I will wait for Tray out on the porch," she says before saying goodnight and leaving.

"Could Sookie be right," Eric asks when Octavia is out of the room. "Could this king have done this to me to weaken our Queen?"

Pam looks thoughtful before shaking her head. "If it were simply the situation now, I would say there was a possibility he could be behind it. I doubt he is given that this actually seems to have started in Mississippi." Pam pauses before muttering, "Eric would have a better idea." When our eyes turn to him, he looks from Pam to me and shrugs his shoulders.

"Why does the Queen want Sookie at the meeting," he asks suddenly. "She is not Vampire."

Pam starts to explain but I raise my hand to stop her. I want to be the one who tells Eric. I try to ignore why I feel so strongly that it should be me. As I have had to numerous times since Eric came home tonight, I hold myself together for at least a little longer.

I take a deep breath and say, "I'm a telepath." I watch his face not knowing how he will react or even if he knows the term.

"You hear thoughts," he says softly, the look in his eyes telling me that his own thoughts are going a mile a minute. He looks to Pam before looking back at me. "Can you hear me?"

I smile as I remember that had been one of the top concerns the first time he was told I was a telepath. I shake my head and explain how vampires feel to me. "You are a big blank. I can feel the empty space so can tell where a vampire is but no thoughts." He nods and I focus on Pam and ask, "He's right though. If it is a meeting between Sophie-Anne and Threadgill I won't be able to help."

"I would imagine Sophie-Anne has somehow worked it to where her and Threadgill's daytime staff would be at the meeting. She wouldn't want you there to simply show you off. Not at this stage anyway. If Sophie-Anne wants you there, there will be some of Threadgill's human staff."

"Does Threadgill know that Sookie is a telepath?"

Now it's my turn to shrug my shoulders. I truly have no idea. "I guess he could," I tell him looking to Pam who nods. "It's not something I advertise but it's not like I keep it too much of a secret either. I used my telepathy in Texas not too long ago so there are other vampires who know."

"It does not seem likely that Threadgill would be willing to expose the human staff he trusts with his secrets to a telepath if he is trying to hide something," Eric says. I simply stare at him because that is something I would think he wouldn't be able to come up with without his memories. His next words shock me more as he continues, "Or he could be trying to make sure it looks like he isn't aware of the fact that there is a telepath in Louisiana."

Pam is even silent for a minute at his words. Though he doesn't seem able to recall any of his memories, Eric does seem to be aware of certain things. Maybe this meeting with the Queen won't be a complete disaster if we can't get his memories back before it.

"Should we just kill Threadgill at this meeting?"

Or maybe it will be a disaster. A complete and utter disaster.

"You can't just kill a king, Eric," I tell him.

"Why?"

I look to Pam to explain. I'm not exactly sure of all the reasons why it would be a bad idea to murder a vampire king. I just know it would be. "You becoming King and causing a takeover would only add to the current issues. You never wanted to be King."

"But I would keep Sookie safe." I feel my mouth drop open hearing that is his reasoning for killing Threadgill right now.

"From him," Pam says. "It could bring all new danger for her though. Not to mention it will not make Sophie-Anne happy," Pam explains not really missing a beat in the conversation.

Eric seems to think that over. He nods before saying, "Killing the king right now would not be the best step."

"Good. Now since that is settled, let's try and get you ready to call the Queen."

Hearing Pam say that sends a shiver, and not the good kind, down my spine. I can't listen to Pam coach Eric on how to be himself. I just can't. I get up and start to head to the kitchen, calling over my shoulder, "The human needs to eat," as Pam asks where I am going.

Getting myself a glass of cold water, I lean on the countertop and take deep breaths, a habit that I have gotten into since Eric started telling me to breathe when I feel overwhelmed.

I know that the situation I am currently in, is nothing at all like the situation I had with Bartlett. Or anything like the relationship built on lies I had with Bill. I find myself confused with how similar the feelings I have now about Eric losing his memories are to the feelings the other two.

Ludwig would have a field day with this.

I am so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize Pam has entered the kitchen until she is standing right next to me. I turn to her and give her a smile, but even I know it's a weak one. "You know, he wanted to run right in here after you. Said something about you not feeling right. I convinced him to stay put."

I nod my head, knowing that if I say anything I won't be able to hold back the tears that have been trying to break through all night.

"Sookie," Pam starts her voice taking on a tone I have become too familiar with.

I quickly swallow and say, "I know, Pam. I know. Just not yet." It takes her a minute to respond. During that minute I grow more and more worried that she will push right now and not just let it go.

I breathe out a sigh of relief as she tells me, "Ok." As she turns to leave she says, "Eric is going to have to call the Queen. It will be better if he calls rather than have her call looking for him again. It might be better if you were there," she finishes before walking out of the kitchen. Closing my eyes, I let out another sigh before making my way back into the living room.

I'm still not convinced that this phone call is a good idea but when I voice my opinion I get overruled. Pam doesn't think the Queen will accept it if Eric doesn't call her back. "She will simply continue to call until she speaks with him. The longer it takes, the more she will be convinced we have something to hide."

"We do," I tell her.

"We can't let her know that," she says dialing the phone and handing it to Eric.

What's the likelihood of getting her voicemail?

Apparently, very low as Eric's eyes widen as he says, "Good evening, Your Majesty. Pam informed me that you called earlier this evening."

To the point and polite. That was a plus however, "We will have to work on his facial expressions before that meeting," I whisper to Pam who nods in agreement. If that was the least of our concerns, we may make it out of this meeting with the Queen.

"Well, I'm sorry I missed your call, Your Majesty," Eric says into the phone causing Pam to let out a quiet moan beside me.

I elbow her slightly trying to get her to tell me what was so bad. She looks to me and explains, "Eric wouldn't word an apology like that when speaking to the Queen. It's considered informal."

"No it is Eric." That can't be good. It sounds like she is questioning who she is speaking to. As he answers, his voice gets a bit higher. And if I can hear the change in his voice, I'm sure the Queen can too.

I'm just thinking that maybe Sophie-Anne won't know what the change in his voice means when Pam holds out her hand. Eric passes the phone to her saying, "She wants to talk to you." He sounds like a scolded child.

"Yes," Pam says. After a pause she adds, "Yes, Sookie is here and it is just the three of us." She then pushes a button on the phone and lays it down on the couch.

"I don't know who the hell you just had me talking to but it was not Eric Northman," Sophie-Anne yells. She must have had Pam put on the speakerphone.

"It was," Pam says, her voice empty of the respect it had earlier in the call.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What makes you think there is something wrong with him?"

"Sookie," Sophie-Anne says.

"Yes," I say worry present in my voice.

"Who was I speaking with on the phone?"

"Eric," I tell her. "It really is him."

"You do not sound like you are lying."

"I'm not," I tell her looking to Pam, who slightly nods her head.

"What is going on with, Eric," she asks. "He does not sound like himself. This meeting with Threadgill cannot have any issues."

I don't answer right away, looking at Pam for advice. She just closes her eyes as I look to her. That can't be a good sign.

"Do I need to remind you that I could have you brought here so fast you wouldn't even know you were taken before you were here?"

"You will not fucking touch her," Eric says with a growl.

"Eric would never lose his composure like this. What the hell is going on Pam?"

Pam lets out a sigh she doesn't need to take and explains the situation to Sophie-Anne. I try to listen but as Pam explains, Eric asks, "The Queen wants you?"

I look up into his face and nod. "She wants my telepathy. She 'allowed,'" I bite out not liking to use that word. "Me to stay here on the condition that I help her when needed. She has a lot going on with Threadgill at the moment. She didn't want an unwilling telepath as well," I explain to Eric.

"I am going to ignore the fact that these issues were kept from me for now," I hear Sophie-Anne say. "There are more pressing matters to be dealt with at the moment."

"Eric and Sookie will be here at nightfall the night after tomorrow so we can prepare. Peter will be here at midnight to discuss the contract. We will have a few things to go over beforehand."

She pauses and I can hear someone talking to her on her end. It's too quiet for me to make out though. "With Eric's current state of mind, Thalia will be accompanying him and Sookie while Pam stays home to take care of Area 5."

"That is not a good idea," Pam tells the Queen.

"Nonsense," Sophie-Anne replies. "I still need Northman at that meeting. He won't have to do or say much but simply having his presence there will be enough to make Threadgill hesitate on this contract. If things go to shit however, given the circumstances I will need muscle. Thalia can provide that."

"But," Pam starts but is cut off by the Queen.

"You know Area 5 and its inhabitants better. You will stay there and solve this issue in a timely matter."

"Your Majesty," Pam starts but again the Queen will not let he talk.

"That's it," Sophie-Ann says in a voice that makes us know she is done discussing matters. "Eric, Thalia, and Sookie will be here at sundown the night after next. Pam will be staying and running the Area. End of discussion," she says before hanging up the phone. The three of us simply staring at each other when she does.

"Okay," I breaking up the silence. "The human here needs to go to bed," I tell them not at all tired but not feeling too confident of being able to hold myself together for too much longer. Pam tries to catch my gaze but I do my best to avoid hers, as I stand from the couch and start to make my way upstairs to my bedroom.

Eric is at my side before I make it out of the room. "I will protect you when me meet with the Queen," he tells me.

I have to look away from his eyes as I tell him, "I know," as I try to continue to head to bed.

I am stopped however, as Eric grabs onto my arm. As I look down to where Eric is holding onto my arm and he quickly lets go. I look back up at him as his hand slowly makes its way up to my face, cupping my cheek. "I hope you sleep well, Sookie," he says, leaning towards my face. I turn my head so Eric's lips land on my cheek and not my lips.

"Thank-you," I tell him before continuing to my room. I barely make it before the tears start to silently fall down my face. I stumble to the bed and selfishly cry into my pillow, hoping my cries are muffled enough that the two vampires downstairs won't hear them. When they don't come up for a few minutes, I think I may have managed to.

All night, I had been holding myself together, having to deal with things that kept being thrown at me. With Pam's call telling me something was wrong with Eric. Eric coming home and seemingly attacking me. Realizing he had no memories. Dealing with the Queen. All of this kept me from breaking down tonight. But now there was nothing immediate for me to take care of.

Hence the breaking down.

As I lay on the bed, all the emotions that I have been trying to work through come crashing in on me. The feeling of abandonment that I hadn't even realized I had due to my parent's deaths. The thought of not being able to trust anyone or anything. The worry that no matter what I will be let down because of something outside my control.

But it's even worse this time. And although the thought is running in my head, I'm not even ready to admit to myself why that may be.

I hear the door open a little while later and am not surprised as I turn over on the bed and see that it's Pam coming in. She's wanted to talk to me all night. I am surprised she's given me this long "You know," she starts out saying. "I find it quite funny that even without his memories you're one of Eric's top priorities."

That doesn't really help me feel better.

"I'm down there trying to explain to him how to get through this meeting and all he is worried about is you. The questions he is asking, they're all about you. Funny how not having his memories haven't changed that."

A sob that I have been trying to hold back breaks through. Pam sits down next to me on the bed and asks, "How are you doing, Sookie?"

I shrug my shoulders not really knowing how to answer that question at the moment as I start to sit up more in the bed.

"Must be difficult," she says slowly. She still doesn't get a response from me. I don't know how to respond. "Fine," she says starting to get up from the bed. "You don't want to talk to me, I'll get Ludwig."

I grab her arm to keep her from getting off the bed. I really didn't want to be talking right no but Pam is my choice over Ludwig. She stays on the couch, looking at me expectantly. I inwardly groan and tell her, "I just don't know, Pam."

"You don't need to know Sookie. You need to feel.

This is something I know. This is something that I had been working on. I need to actually feel my feelings. I shouldn't ignore them and hope they go away. I shouldn't try to talk myself out of them. I am not trying to avoid my feelings. I try to explain this to Pam.

"It's almost like there are too many emotions running around in my head for me to actually feel any right now."

"Which one is the worst right now?"

I have to think about that. I feel angry. Anger is definitely one of the top contenders. I'm angry at the situation, angry at the were-witch who did this to Eric. But even as I feel my anger increase as I am thinking about it, I know it's not the worst right now. Anger at the were-witch is easy to deal with. Expected even. The emotion that is coming through stronger now is less so. "Fear," I say quietly to Pam.

"What is it you are afraid of, Sookie?"

And with those words, the real fear that I have had all night will not be buried any longer. I look at Pam knowing that it is her worst fear as well at the moment and tell her, "That he won't get his memories back."

Pam stays quiet having learned that this is actually the best way to keep me talking. "It's more than simply having his help with the Weres, witches, or whatever it is they are calling themselves." I stop and take a deep breath. "We had just realized, we had just started to think a relationship between us could work. We were going to try."

"You make it sound like you've decided it can't work."

"Not if he doesn't get his memories back."

"But you would want to."

"Feelings don't just go away, Pam."

"So you admit that you have feelings for my maker then." I don't answer but simply glare at the female vampire. Apparently, it's good enough for her as she smiles. "And your fear is what you should do with these feelings on the off chance we are not able to return my maker's memories?"

My nod is her response. Pam laughs. "I do not see the humor here, Pam."

Pam wipes away the blood tears that have formed behind her eyes as she has been laughing. "What would you do if he never lost his memories?"

"But he did, Pam."

"But why should that make any difference?"

"Because if I did still try to have a relationship with him now, I would be taking advantage of him," I yell at her.

And that's really what has been bothering me ever since I realized that Eric lost his memories. The selfish thought that we were over before we even started. That if I followed my feelings and pursued a relationship with him when he couldn't remember any of the feelings he may have felt for me, I would be taking advantage of him on some level.

After my words, Pam takes out her phone and starts texting. "What are you doing?"

"Texting Ludwig. We may need to up your therapy again."

I grab the phone from her and it does not escape my mind that for the phone to currently be in my hands, she let me take it from her.

"I'm serious, Pam."

"As am I, Fairy Princess."

"Pam."

"Sookie." As I continue to look at Pam, I see her face soften a bit. "You really believe that if you follow your feelings with Eric you would be no better than Bill?" I stay quiet and look away from Pam and down at the bed. "I think you're missing the gigantic difference here Sookie."

"What's that, Pam?"

"You didn't want what happened with Bill in the trunk. You didn't ask for what your uncle did to you growing up. What makes you think that if you followed your feelings with Eric, he wouldn't reciprocate? That he wouldn't welcome them with extended fangs?"

"Pam," I start but get interrupted.

"No, Sookie," Pam says to me sternly. "You, yourself said that feelings do not just go away. Octavia herself said that it's just his memories that a trapped and inaccessible, that his feelings and instincts are still there somewhere. He still has feelings, even if he's not sure what they may stem from."

"But if he never gets them back, is it fair for me to push on those emotions? Is it fair that I go into the situation knowing so much more than him about our past?"

"I think the bigger question is, is it fair to either of you if you don't? I believe we will get his memories back. I am certain we can find this bitch and make her undo the curse. But on the off chance that I am wrong, why should that mean you lose a chance at being happy? You're not forcing him, Sookie. Hell, you probably couldn't if you tried. You can still see where it can go."

I think over Pam's words and a part of me thinks they make sense. Part of me can see the logic. I don't have too much time to think things over though, as Eric suddenly comes into my room.

"I want to talk to Sookie."

"That may not be the best idea now, Eric," Pam says.

"I am your maker. I can make you leave, can't I?"

"Yes, but," Pam starts.

"Leave now," he tells her sternly. She looks to me and I nod telling her it's ok. She makes a motion that looks like she'll be around if I need her. I guess when Eric said that it wasn't really a command.

"What is it, Eric?"

"There is so much I do not understand right now," he starts out saying but is avoiding my gaze. "But for some reason, you make me feel comfortable. My thoughts are clearer of you even if my memories are not."

"Eric," I start but he holds his hand up to stop me.

"Sookie, I just need to know," he says looking up at my eyes.

"Are you mine?"

Hello out there to those still taking this story for a spin. I hope I explained Sookie's feeling in this chapter well enough. It's not the acts of Bill and Bartlett that she is comparing the situation to – more of the emotions of being betrayed and taking advantage of by someone you care about. Only this time she's afraid she's the one doing it. Silly Sookie.

As always thanks for reading and a special thanks to those taking the time to review. Thanks to the guest reviewer who I couldn't respond to. I really appreciate the feedback. Helps to get me through the week lol.