Chapter 21: Experimental

Okay, so maybe I wasn't quite accurate on my estimation that all of our things would fit in a single car trip. No, instead, it took three round trips to finally bring in the last box of the night. By the time we were done, I actually felt bad for Rei – it was three in the morning, and she was obviously not used to staying up. She turned zombie on me at around one, and when I finally said she could go to bed while I finished picking up a few random things around the house, she instantly passed out on her new bed. She didn't even bother to put on sheets – just the bare mattress apparently suited her just fine.

As to be expected with the homes NERV provides, the house came equipped with full furnishing, including a television and DVD player. There was a single, large sofa in front of the television along with three chairs spread out through the living room. The kitchen was completely empty outside of pots and pans, so I knew a food shopping trip was needed first thing tomorrow. There were four other bedrooms and two bathrooms, which completely surprised me; this house was more than big enough for a medium sized family, let alone two people. Not like we were complaining, of course. We each got our own bathroom along with two rooms to do what we wanted with. I planned on slowly turning mine into simple gym – weights, standing bicycle, the normal – while Rei kept silent about hers. Hell, she probably kept silent because she didn't fully understand she has two rooms to herself!

I actually quite enjoyed working this way with Rei. She really is a sweet girl when she decides to open up, which takes over an hour of constant proximity. She's also quite the determined worker; when she chooses to get something done, she won't stop until she's either made to or simply finishes. I must say, I quite like that trait in her… it's something I could work on, actually.

While there were still quite a few boxes in my room that remain unpacked, I knew that the essentials such as toiletries were all out, so my work for the day was done. That being said, I was currently sitting back on the sofa with a beer in my hand, staring at the blank television I was too tired to hook up. For the first time in quite awhile, my mind wasn't anywhere near what Shinji did to me the other night – no, instead, I was thinking about my relationship with Jun. as much as I hate to say it, something just seems off about him. Now that I'm calm and can think about it, why is he always okay with things that I do or have gone through? I mean, he got over me being a hooker within a few minutes, and didn't even seem to really care about the drug use. Hell, he barely acknowledged the fact that I was raped – most men would be furious about that. That just isn't natural… at least, not in my mind. I hate to sound like a hypocrite here, but if I found out he's done even half of the things that I have, he'd be out on the street within two minutes. And he can't even use the excuse of love; it's just not possible to love someone within that short amount of time. I may have said it back to him when he first told me, but I surely didn't mean it. What am I supposed to say, 'thank you'? That's just not appropriate!

Of course, maybe I'm just looking too deep into this. After all, I can't exactly say that I've had any normal relationships in my life, so what do I have to compare it to? But regardless, it just doesn't feel normal… maybe he's just using me for sex like Shinji did. I did end up giving it up within the first couple of dates, and he is a guy on top of that – men would put up with anything for a quick lay. I just don't know… I feel like I'm betraying him by thinking this way, but at the same time, what else am I to think? I'd like to say that it's time for me to take a break from men for awhile and get my life together, but if I leave him now, I'm sure I'll end up regretting it. Even if he is too good to be true, there's a small chance that it is true. That he does truly care for me. That he is the person I've been waiting for my entire life…

… but probably not…

A sharp knocking at the door snapped me out of my deep thought, only leading me to question why someone is knocking at three in the morning. Probably just Misato or Ritsuko coming to check up on us… how nice of them! Yeah, as if they really care – they're more concerned about how Rei is doing. I get up, already slightly annoyed that the other half of my beer was being left behind, and open the door nonchalantly to see Shinji, looking pale as a ghost and panting just slightly. An overwhelming urge came over me to tackle him to the ground right then, but I restrained myself, knowing the circumstances… still though, seeing him makes my heart pound in anger.

"I'm not in the mood," I begin to close the door, only to have it stopped by his foot.

"Asuka, hear me out, please," I normally would have slammed the door right o that damned foot of his, but the pleading sound in his voice made me do otherwise. Slowly, I open the door and let him speak, "I… don't even know what to say…" his eyes begin to tear up, and seeing that finally made me lose it.

"You're crying? Seriously? You put me through that, and you're crying?" I lower my voice, knowing Rei was still sleeping, "If you came over to apologize, don't bother. I know you had that Deviant in you, but…" I clench my fist, trying to hold in anger. I close my eyes as I speak, "But I can never forgive you for what you did."

"Asuka-"

"No!" my voice echoes through the neighborhood, "Shut up! Do you know what they did to me?" I finally make physical contact with him, grabbing onto his collar and bringing him as close as possible, "You along with a dozen other men raped me! You raped me Shinji!" he looks to the side, obviously ashamed, "Do you have any idea how much that hurts? How much it still hurts?"

"Sorry…" he mutters under his breath, only making me more furious.

"This isn't something you can apologize for! For all you know, they could have given me some kind of disease!" he finally cringes a little. Apparently he hasn't thought about that, "You…" I take a deep breath, letting him go as I do, "My entire life, I've been so sure of everything. I may not have made the right decisions, but I sure as hell would stand by them… unless you're in the picture. You make me second guess my every move, and that's landed me in this position," I could hear the sound of my own furious breathing and heartbeat as I began to sweat. He still stood there, staring at the ground, completely spineless… I hate him so much… "I want you to leave, do you understand? The only place I ever want to see you is inside NERV. Don't even drive by this house," I finally slam the door, only to be left staring at the barrier now between us. I'm sure he was doing the same thing, which only made me sick.

"It wasn't him, you do realize that," instantly, I try to calm my anger as I hear Rei behind me. She was obviously still half asleep, but now dressed in a tank top and pajama pants. While she looked a wreck – messed up hair, half closed eyes, the whole deal – there was still a certain presence around her.

"Rei, there's a lot you don't know. Go to bed," I spoke coldly as I fell back onto the sofa, grabbing my beer in the process, "I'm not in the mood."

"There's a lot you don't know," in an act of courage so foreign to her, she stands in front of me, making me look at her, "The Commander is far from perfect, as all humans are, but he cares for you. Have you ever spoken to him? Have you ever actually asked him why he's done the things he's done?"

"It doesn't matter Rei! What matters is that he did them!"

"You can't logically take into account what he recently did. For the same reason you hated me and forgave me, you need to do the same with him. I understand your anger, but it is misled," how the hell is my anger misled? I don't care if he was possessed or not – he still did it!

"I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I still can't forgive him. Every time I look at him I see what he's done to me… even if I take out the rape, he still hurt me before that!" aren't I supposed to be the one guiding her? Something is seriously wrong here…

"He hurt you by rescuing you from something you know would have ended with your death? People make mistakes Asuka, anything else he's done can be forgiven if you let it," unsure of exactly what to say, I take a drink of the beer as I break eye contact with her, "You only hurt yourself by hating people."

"He's done more than you know…" Jesus, I feel like a child when she talks down to me like this. Since when did she become all wise?

"Relationships are two way roads. I'm not saying you should date him or anything along those lines – in fact, quite the contrary. I'm just saying you need to forgive him at least partially. You owe that to him," she begins to walk back to her room, "I'm going to bed, but I don't recommend you do the same," she closes her door, leaving me in the living room and even more annoyed. I knew Shinji was still out there – his car hasn't started up… I hope he leaves soon. What Rei was saying made sense, but I still can't talk to him. Not after what he did to me, "Go out there and talk to him!" Rei raises her voice from in her room, only furthering my irritation.

"Fine! Jesus Christ!" just wanting to end the whole situation, I storm outside to see him walking towards his car. He heard me and turned around, still wearing that damn mournful face, "Let me get something out of the way," I walk towards him until I'm standing a few feet from him – notably far enough away so I don't pummel him, "Answer me something. Do you remember that night at all? Do you remember seeing me?" his eyes averted to the ground, once again showing me his weakness as a person.

"What do you mean?"

"When you were still with the Deviant, you told me that I actually wanted it. I know what I'm like when I'm high, and let me tell you something – that's not me. Tell me what happened," his eyes were still slightly glassy from before, but I couldn't care less. I want to know what he actually did to me, because that other story was nothing but bull!

"You… were passed out," I know him well enough – that's a damn lie!

"If you're not going to tell the truth, then I'm leaving," I turn around, and he puts his hand on my shoulder. I stop without turning around, "Don't touch me…" I mutter through my teeth, but I knew he could hear me.

"Asuka, it doesn't matter what happened that night. I know it was my fault, okay?" I turn around, subsequently forcing his hand off my shoulder.

"You tell me, or I'm out, understand? I'm trying to communicate with you here only because Rei won't get off my back if I don't, but I'll leave if you don't tell me," he runs his hands through his hair in annoyance as he stared up at the sky.

"You didn't want it, but you were too out of it to do anything. Initially, it was just you and me in the car, but I ended up taking you to that house… I don't even know who those people were, I just dropped you off and left," he's not even man enough to look me in the eye. Without really realizing it, a tear rolled down my cheek in a mix of anger and sadness, "I don't know what happened after that."

"Yes you do!" I finally scream at him, and take a deep breath afterwards, "Listen, I know it wasn't your fault, okay? I… I just need a few days away from you, I can't handle it right now. You don't have to feel bad about that, but you sure as hell have you feel bad about everything else you've done to me. You always put yourself first – to keep your job, to keep your reputation, to help yourself in any way possible. So if you can't sleep tonight, don't make it about what you did to me the other night. Make it about everything else," I try to turn around, but he grabs my hand and finally looks me in the eye.

"You're right, okay? I admit that, and I'm sorry. Just tell me what I can do to make it up to you," I yank my hand away from his, not being able to stand his touch, "You loved me at one point, so it must only be the things I've done to make you hate me. What can I do?"

"Let me get something straight here – I will never love you again. I liked the person you used to be when we were younger, but you grew into one horrible adult. I was only with you in a futile attempt to revert you back. There's not even a chance of that happening again," I could see his spirit break just slightly when I said that, "So just forget it. We're coworkers, nothing more," for the final time, I try to walk away, but he once again stopped me by taking me into a hug.

"I'm not asking you to come back, I'm asking you to forgive me!" I couldn't help but panicking, feeling him against me so soon after what he did. I pushed him away with a small scream, sending him to the ground.

"Are you crazy? You don't touch a girl that you… ah! Just forget it!" I was finally able to get back in the house, where I instantly broke down into tears in front of the door. The feeling of a man on me… I just can't take it right now… all I could think of was… Jesus Christ… I honestly do hate my life. I should have never taken in Rei, she shouldn't have to deal with the crap going on in my life – she needs to grow up at least semi-normal. But what am I supposed to do now? I've already taken her in, it's not like I can just return her… she's a living person! But I can't take this right now… I just can't take it anymore! Absolutely every person that knows me looks down on me, everything that has ever happened in my life goes against what should actually happen, and I'm just so sick of the pain. I'm so tired of it all…

"Asuka?" I look up through my tears to see Rei standing there, actually looking a little worried.

"Go to bed, I'll see you in the morning," grabbing my keys, I knew exactly where I was going as I headed out the door, even if I didn't want to directly say it to myself. I left before she had a chance to say anything or stop me – not like she could. Thankfully, I saw Shinji's car driving down the road, so I didn't have to deal with the person that brought me to all of this. I knew I looked like hell, but frankly, I couldn't care less. I start up the car and drive off, seeing Rei standing in the doorway through my peripheral vision. She'll be fine…

Actually getting it was no problem at all, which was a huge surprise to me. No background checks, no identification, absolutely nothing but the money. Not like I'm complaining, this'll make everything a whole lot easier. The shopkeeper was an ass though – I could tell he knew why I was in there, and yet he still sold it to me without so much of a word. I smiled a little as I left the store, still holding onto the huge item with my left hand.

"Tell me, how's the lake this time of day?" I speak to the man as I still face the door, ready to leave. It was about four in the morning, and the sun was just barely getting ready to peak up over the horizon.

"Nice, I guess," I near him pick up a newspaper, "Better hurry before you miss sunrise, if that's what you're aiming for," with another smile, I leave the store and gently place the item in the passenger seat.

"Suiting, no?" I speak to myself as I began to drive, "Overlooking NERV as the sun reflects off the lake. Quite poetic, if I must say so myself."

That drive was, by far, the longest drive I've ever been a part of. My mind kept wandering during those twenty minutes, almost to the point to where it was dangerous for me to be driving. Luckily, there was no one on the roads, so it didn't really matter. When I finally got to the trucker stop overlooking the lake about a hundred feet below, my heart literally sank at the thought of what I'm doing… it's best, I suppose. Nothing can help it. Hey, at least this is a nice scene, right? Still wearing that small, almost invisible grin, I open my wallet to the picture of my NERV ID and place it on the dashboard. I grab my phone and dial the typical three numbers. They picked up immediately.

"Tokyo-3 Police, what is your emergency?" a woman with a kind voice over the line.

"There's a dead girl at the trucker stop by the lake. Go find her before someone else does."

"Ma'am? Where-" I hang up the phone and throw it in the back seat. It took me a moment to situate myself, but in an instant, I finally finished it. The pain only lasted for a split second.

A/N – A couple things here. First off, sorry I haven't updated in God only knows how long, but you know, life catches up with you. Second, this is not the last chapter – I wouldn't end on a note like this. And finally, I obviously won't be going by the reviews get you chapters thing. I'll just update when I get them written, no big deal. Sorry for the short chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it. Catch the next chapter, Guardians; until then, keep on keepin' on!