I am a hoorible person for making you guys wait again... please don't hate me...

Chapter 21: Reality

That night everything was shared between us. All of our secrets we held in the Capitol, admitting moments when we truly felt something for the other, as well as many exchanges in showing love towards the other person.

I told him everything I could think of that made me who I was, including my time in the arena. Finnick finally know about my emotions towards Solar, and Coal, Willow, and the others. Grey especially. I could barely get his name out, but was still able to talk to Finn. It was so easy and simple for me to open up so much to him.

Like it was supposed to be.

He shared everything to me as well. In his games, he truly and soulfully never wanted to kill people. He was cornered the first time an acted out of self defence, but the next few times where only because those players had mercilessly killed defenseless tributes, and were the only ones left. However, one tribute remained: the one the plagued Finnick's nightmares, and the one he thought I was those months ago in the tribute center. It put quite a few things together. He was seen as attractive even at fourteen, so people trusted him. But that was his strength in turning on people because they never expected it.

But none of that drama mattered right now. All that did, was waking up next to my love, completely spent from the night before and wanting to spend the next few days with him at my true home. I was lying within his arms, and after studying Finn's sleeping face for a few minutes or so, he opened his eyes and smiled. My fingers traced his lips and brushed over his subtle stubble before he kissed them. Now awake, he started pulling me closer in our warm embrace.

"Wow." I scratched out my throat. He made a small face at the foreign noise before I cleared it and repeated myself. "That was..."

"Nice?"

"Very nice."

"Well, good." I then kissed his nose when he said that. "I love you."

"You said that to me more than once last night, you know."

"I was only returning the favour. You kept whispering it, saying it, shouting it-"

"Shut up!" we both laughed. But yeah it was true, all of it... "I love you, too."

Who would have thought that within six months, my life would turn 180? I would lose those who were important to me before only to gain, and lose, and gain again two different people who filled those spots exactly. I lost Grey. I gained Finnick. I lost Finnick, but then gained Seneca. I lost myself along this ride, and gained a new self-awareness as well.

"Did that really just happen?" I asked him, trying to cover my blush slightly.

My life should not have been spared those months ago. Everyday I think about it at least once. It should have been Grey. It should have been Coal. Or Willow, or Pann, or Maple, or Barley. Even Solar, however twisted he was before the end, should have had a more fair chance. That stupid boy should have killed me the first time I betrayed him and that way someone else could have been alive. Someone more deserving. I didn't blame Seneca directly for saving me before the other, but it did have a major factor in why I still hesitated occasionally with him.

"I don't want to leave.." He said after a pause. I remembered the world outside of this one with a sharp pain in my chest of what happened. There wasn't anyway I could keep both Finnick and Seneca in this world. "Whatever we call this, I don't want it to end, or leave, or have to be secretive." We both knew it had to be. And with what I was situated with now under Snows orders and the public's demands, I wouldn't be able to hide that for much longer.

"I-I know." Not because it happened or happened with him, but that it was behind Sen's back for starters, and by Cornelius Snow's own mouth, illegal. A sigh emanated from him and I figured now he was on the same page as I was. "What happened... I wouldn't change it for anything." He was silent next to me "But we have our roles in this world. Set rules, and morals... If Seneca found out about-"

"So what you're saying..." he stiffened with those hard words. He wasn't thinking the same as I was. Not even the slightest. "..even though we both know that this is how things should be, how things are - destined, You're still going to be with him?" He knew what I was thinking before I said it. When he spoke he had a sharp sadness, one of betrayal and heartache. "You're still... After everything-?"

"I'm starting fresh without having to hold back-."

"And I'm holding you back?" he sat up. We knew there was no good ending to this conversation yet we rebelled and slept together anyways. There was possibility in what we did for there to be something more, but I thought we both knew about the consequences. As if for just these few hours, the government did not exist and we were free...

"Please don't do this-"

"No, it's what I do-"

"Stop leaving and just talk this through with me"

"But it will never be good enough for you, I will never be good enough for you."

"I-!"

"Thank you for letting me know now, instead of later." Everything began falling apart as now he was redressing in the clothes he came in with. I got up too, but kept a soft blanket around me and his shirt from the night before.

"It isn't that you aren't good enough, it that you're too good for me." It all rushed out in word vomit as he rushed to put his pants back on. "Okay? Finnick, I don't deserve you. Finnick!" He looked shocked at what I said. "If you knew every single thing I did, not just of who I am but what I do now, you would know it too. I'm too tarnished-"

"But why is it stopping us? You know we aren't just two people who have sex nonchalantly, This was something special-!" he was growing in anger and volume. I couldn't stop this.

"Don't you think I know that?!"

Similar to when I saw him after I exited the arena, I saw the situation from a third point of view. I knew what he was saying and knew every response I could take to make it all better, yet I couldn't control what I was saying next. It was as if I didn't care to make thing as good as they could. If I did, people would die.

"Rain! I thought we were going to be honest! I thought you meant what you said last night. I thought you were going to fulfill the promises we made. We were supposed to make this right! How can you make them or even make love with me when you still have to hang onto your appearances here?" he muttered after studying me and still turning.

"STOP! Please!" he did and turned to find his shirt on me. Instead of taking this one, he stole the white one I had on the floor. "I'm sorry-!" I wanted to take it all back. It was a mistake to have said anything about Sen. I really couldn't care much about him now that I finally had Finnick, and shouldn't have even thought of him.

"I hope you're happy fucking around with him." He gathered his things and left me on the verge of where anger and sadness met. Don't let him leave! Don't let him go... "Just next time you want to get laid, get some other whore besides me." and he left slamming the door as he went.

A Whore...

A whore is what I was.

If I went after him now, everything would change. My life would be in crisis every second, Sen would find out and never forgive me, and who knows if Finnick would even talk to me after this. I betrayed not only myself but Finnick. I was to blame for what happened last night. I finally said yes to him and loved him only to push him away again. I was the Villain.

We left for District Four that afternoon, after waking up and having a brief tour of the Capitol. Deary had told us about every building we passed and who it was owned by when it was built and what famous people had been inside at some point. It wasn't really all that brief.

Finnick refused to speak or even look at me for the duration of it, and once we got aboard the train he sealed himself in his room so he didn't have to look me. Of course he did this after getting a bottle of gin first. I kept myself in the last cart, looking at the world as we raced by. I saw the outer fences and walls of a few districts, being along the way to Four and even saw the mountains of Two once more. They were very distant, but visible.

We arrived, and my town greeted me with cheers and celebration. They were all grateful that I was their Victory because it meant there would be a feast and everyone would go home with full stomachs, even the poorest of poor here.

Not much could be said about the party. It was fun and enjoyable, but nothing special. No giant dramatic event, no one particularly interesting to try and speak to or avoid. The only thing was Finnick refusing to speak to me at all. He was seated right next to me at our dining table, and when I tried talking to him about something, he refuse to acknowledge I existed.

He was leaving early, heading home at a fast yet sneaky pace. A bottle of something was sloshing in his hand as he hummed along, not caring about a thing in the world besides what happened between us. Who knows if we was or not, he was drunk and didn't remember much.

I watched as he walked out and away from the chaos of the party goers and fellow District Four members. He envied their happiness and simple minded ways.

Nothing stopped me from then deciding to follow him. He had been stubborn the whole night, not speaking to me or allowing me to explain myself further, he only ignored me and walked away.

I caught him just before he got to his house.

"Okay, you want me to explain my reasoning?" He just slumped in his stance, not sure if I was there or not. "The reason I haven't been able to be with you is because if I am, then Snow will kill everyone I love. He's using me for something like he has been using you. If I don't do what he says then he will leave me with nothing. I'm with Seneca because I'm starting fresh, yes, but mostly because I can't bare to see you dead because of me being selfish. I can't be with you because I love you so much!" He sighed in response. What, he wanted more? Fine.

"You bastard..." and I kissed him right then and there. He responded more lively and intensified the kiss. All I wanted was him. I just wanted him forever to be mine and me his. Why was that so difficult?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~{ }~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rain!" I snapped from my daze to meet the eyes of Deary. She was standing next to me in front of where I had watched Finnick walk away. It was all a daydream. I was in Four at my own victory party, I ate a ton of food, and my District wasn't at all hungry in any way.

"Rain?" I looked her in the eyes, wide and attentive. "You look like you need some sleep." She suggested. Maybe I did. I hadn't slept well the night before from what Finnick and I went through, and had not the entire journey from early showering, late night after parties, poker in the train, and other things.

As she walked me back to the gates of the Victor village, I thought of my time on tour, all the laughter, the memories, and how sour my stomach felt at remembering my happiest with Finn. He would always be that special person to me no matter the time, date or either of our fates in the future. I would always love him.

But now everything was ruined. I ruined our friendship by letting him enter my room that pervious night. And I just knew that beforehand, things would never be the same if we did, I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was with Seneca, but I wasn't thinking clearly and just gave into my instincts.

Tomorrow I was leaving for the Capitol again to resume my classes and work. Seneca was waiting for me there. I was moving in this week with him. We were starting our lives together more and more, so why wasn't I as excited as before? I had everything packed a ready to go before leaving last week, and even visited more often at his place to determine where my things would be going. He was just as thrilled as I to start this stage in our relationship no matter our age difference.

Reality wasn't anything like stories or movies. You couldn't just drop everything to be with a person, knowing you had years of plans ahead of you and a future with someone else. If you looked at that path to take, you would create a more destructive and harmful world for yourself by being with them rather than staying with you plans. It was worse to do what you wanted, and better to do what others told you to.

And that's what I had to chose. I had to be with Seneca over Finn mainly because if I wasn't, my world would turn to chaos. My world, and those around me.