The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AloisxCiel, some other disturbing pairings, snowman cruelty, more random side-stories than the norm, snow, The Wheel of Face-Offs!, dead things behaving like alive things, type-casting, Lizzie and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.
Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! I got so much virtual food that I am now virtually obese xD I'm having difficulty believing it (Naruto: BELIEVE IT!) (sorry that had to happen); we're almost at 200! TTuTT I'd offer some super cool prize for the 200th reviewer, but I already do pretty much anything you guys ask me so it would just be like a normal day.
Sorry, no more songs D: But we're all gonna play I Spy Smut, because Anna wanted some sans the main cast. It'll be fun!
Also sorry this took so long. I won't even lie this time—I just had better things to do.
LIEK EAT AT IHOP! One finally opened here! *does happy pancake dance* And youknowschoolandstuff.
Disclaimer: I fear what would've happened if Kuroshitsuji was mine. Ichiro Irabu is also not mine, whoever that is. The term 'Aflockalypse' is not mine. I heard it on SNL; my new husband Cameron the red-winged blackbird (who is also not mine) said it.
P.S. to ObsessivexAnime: First reviewer of 2011 indeed! Have a balloon!
WHAT ARE EVERYONE'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS?:
Alois: "I'm gonna make Ciel accept me on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL so we can be truly intimate." Devious smile.
Ciel: "I'm going to make Alois leave me alone." Hides pistol behind back.
Brittany: "I'm gonna complete the 365 Day Project. And eat vegetables, get a job, read more books, watch more movies, learn to Russian folk dance, be more eccentric, not lose my bus pass, get a boyfriend, swear less—"
Sebastian: "Do Ciel. A favour. In bed. I'm gonna 'yes' his lord so hard—" *explicit language*
Claude: "Take up scrap-booking."
Thompson: "Go platinum."
Timber: "Get my own show on TLC."
Canterbury: "Fix the Wikipedia page that has my name written with a 't' at the end."
Finnian: "Grow a fllloooowwwweeeerrrr."
Bard: "Cut down on the cigs. I think it's time to upgrade to a pipe."
Mey-Rin: "Do Sebastian. A favour. In bed. I'll show him how well I can truly 'work'—" *explicit language*
Grell: "Do Sebastian an honour in bed. I'll give him a taste of my own salty tea, if you know what I'm sayin'~!"
Brittany: "GET OUT OF HERE!"
Undertaker: "Mummify someone."
Lizzie: "Wear something cute EEEEEEVVVVEEEEERRRRRYYYYYY day! Tee hee! Oh, and I'm going to hire a hit on that transsexual slut who keeps putting the moves on my fiancé."
Edward: "Continue to be a magnificent spaz of an overprotective brother."
Soma: "Get more face time in this fic. I CAN'T BELIEVE CIEL'S MAKING ALL THESE FRIENDS WITHOUT ME!"
Agni: "Help Soma achieve his resolution, of course."
Luca: "Fill an ENTIRE colouring book. In the lines, guys. In the lines."
"Happy 2011, everyone!" said Brittany. Alois blew a noisemaker. "I hope you all had a lovely holiday, but now it's back to business. We're just waiting for Lindsay to show up before we get started."
Ciel sighed tiredly. "The chimney?"
"Yeah. The chimney!"
Alois continued blowing his noisemaker, directing it so that every time it unrolled it would hit Ciel in the face. Ciel swatted at it. "Stop that!" On Ciel's other side, Luca imitated his brother. Sebastian the dog barked.
Everyone waited for the main door to burst open, as was customary when they were hosting guests. But much to everyone's surprise, the rafters in the far left corner were blown out and a corkscrew waterslide fell down from the ceiling and flooded the courtroom. A drain opened up in the opposite corner to solve the problem.
"Huh," said Brittany.
An inner tube flew from the slide's opening and came to a graceful halt before the stand. Lindsay stepped out of it with a sack over her shoulder, bowed politely and said quite elegantly, "And that, lady and gentlemen, is how you make an entrance."
Alois and Luca applauded.
Another tube flew in with zombie-unicorn and Finnian in it. It headed straight into one of the rooms with zombie-unicorn yelling, "We have a psychiatrist to see! If anyone else's mind is fucked from that centipede movie, the session's on me!"
A blonde mouse-person-thing with polka dotted pants and a lab coat, who was apparently a psychiatrist and who had apparently managed to bypass the courtroom security stuck his head out of the room and welcomed in Finnian, zombie-unicorn, and several more traumatized girls.
"What's going on?" Ciel asked.
"I honestly don't know anymore," Brittany answered. "Anyway, you may recall my NaNoWriMo failure and the resulting put-downs at the beginning of chapter... eleven, was it? I called myself useless, and then Alois and Ciel poked a little fun at me, but hey! We're all just joking with each other. Heh..." She cleared her throat and turned her attention to her papers. "But uh, apparently this fic is too awesome for that, so Telracs1994 is charging the three of us with the uncalled-for insulting of myself."
Ciel rolled his eye. "No one gets stroppy with you when you rip on us."
"That's because everyone would get irritated with me if I simply fawned over you two all the time. Poking fun at you is my job! Likewise, yours is to tell me what a bad job I'm doing and drink tea. Alois' job is to be as random as possible."
"RECTUM!" Alois hollered.
Ciel sipped his tea, then frowned and tossed it across the room.
"So your sentence, buddy old pal, is to wear this shirt we had made." She held up a t-shirt with her face on the front and 'Ciel Thinks Brittany is a Graceful Piece of Lovely Canadian Bacon!' printed on the back.
"Oh I get it," Alois said. "Because he called you a disgrace! That's actually quite humourous."
"No thank you," Ciel declined.
"Yes thank you. Lindsay? Could you help? You've somehow gotten him into stranger outfits."
The guest-host saluted, said, "Yep!" and set about wrestling Ciel into his t-shirt. "What about me?" Alois asked.
"Well, you said, 'And you call yourself a writer!' so I figured we'd just see if you can do any better. You dictate, I'll type." Brittany fished a laptop from her desk and readied it for Alois' literary masterpiece.
And so Alois began:
One fine Engrish day, in a land made of popcorn chicken and cotton balls, there sat a sexy blunette and his unbearably hot blonde boyfriend atop a giant salmon-coloured fish (that was not, in all actuality, a salmon) (salmon: it's a MANLY fish!) in a lake made of dreams. Rowing leisurely about in a gondola below was their friend Dave the dragon. He was Davealicious.
The hot blonde was helping his sexy sugar-coated piece of man-candy get presentable for the Post-Aflockalypse Party set to engage all the land in a no-expense-spared evening, night, and early morning of drinking, dancing, and various closed-doors-escapades. They had a small summer cabin built of hard candy planks and marshmellows on the back of their fish in which to primp and preen. This hot piece, by the also hot name of Ciel, was put in a very classy shiny vest, shiny pink tie, and shiny not-very-long-shorts ensemble. He looked SMASHING!
"Did you write that in capitals?" Alois interrupted himself to ask.
"Yes. Would you mind looking at me for a sec so I can see how dilated your pupils are?"
"No."
The hot blonde, by the awesome, lovely, outstanding, intelligent, seductive name of Alois decided to attend the party in his invisible robes. Ciel said No, so he threw on a tie and some very tight hot pants.
At last night rolled around, and Davealicious Dave gondola'd Ciel and Alois to the location of the party. Already the sky was alight with dozens of hot air balloons piloted by large and well-read mice. The balloons' tethers were beaded with hundreds of lit, spherical Japanese lanterns. It looked as though the stars themselves had been called down for Alois and his love.
Brittany: "This is actually quite pretty."
Alois: "SHUT UP!"
"Your love?" Ciel interjected incredulously from inside his shirt. Lindsay had managed to get one of his arms through, but no more.
"Alois is taking his punishment like a man, Ciel! A manly man! You wouldn't want to be less of a man than him, would you?" she pep-talked him.
"I assure you, to be less of a man than Alois is no easy feat."
The party didn't start till the two stylish boys walked in. Like, they literally stepped foot out of the gondola and the crowd went from staring blankly at the popcorn-chicken-dirt to busting moves left and right. The musical guest—that trashy white girl with the dollar sign in her name—began sing/rap/auto-tuning a song she wrote for the occasion.
Birds fallin' hard hard hard!
On the roof of your car car car!
Way down in Arkansas -sas -sas!
Not flyin' no more more more!
"That doesn't rhyme," Canterbury said with dismay. He and those other two guys were trying to start a mosh pit.
Davealicious Dave flew off to hang with the Muffin Man and the Jelly Bean Team, leaving Ciel and Alois to themselves. They slow danced a bit and then drank Jell-o shots and took hits from a cotton candy bong. Someone built a bonfire for people to sit around with their sweethearts and deliver practiced monologues in exchange for a no-pants-party. Alois totally ended up sucking face with Ciel in front of it while fireworks made of luminous confetti went off amongst the hot air balloons. The two were dusted with glitter and appeared to be glowing like the happy, tipsy young lovers they were. And here's where it gets good—
"That's quite enough!" Ciel interrupted.
"What? You mean you don't want to hear what we did back in our candy summer cabin?"
"Alois, I think you've proven yourself," Brittany declared. "We'll uh, finish that gem later, 'kay?" But not actually because heaven's knows what one mini-rapist and his drunk boyfriend would get up to in a house made of sweets.
The blonde beamed. "Okey doke!"
"Okey doke indeed. Next up we've got an accusation for Sebastian! Where is that man?"
The door to the psychiatrist's office opened and Sebastian poked his head out. "Yes?"
Ciel just shook his head.
Alois chuckled. "I thought I heard a particularly girly scream during the Hu—"
"DON'T SAY IT!" Brittany cut him off. "The title alone upsets Laura. Call it 'The Film Which Shall Not Be Named'."
"It was all the estrogen," Sebastian tried to explain. "If you'll recall, I was gender-bended, so of course—"
"Never you mind! Just approach the stand please!"
Sebastian did as told. He kept tossing surreptitious looks of derision towards Ciel's dog.
"Yes?" Ciel asked, scratching the beast behind the ears, the slightest hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. He had decided to be the better man and put on his damn shirt.
"Sebastian Michaelis! You have been accused of taking far too much enjoyment from Ciel's various cross-dressing escapades—"
"There was only one," Ciel corrected.
"I can't help feeling like there were more..."
"Seems like it, doesn't it?" Alois pitched in.
"Regardless, how do you plead, Sebastian?"
"Hmm..." The butler stroked his clean-shaven chin wisely (he's too good for all of that imaginary beard nonsense. Pffffft). "I must say I was rather entertained. Mmmuh hummh.." His eyes glazed over.
"Sebastian!" Ciel said. His dog barked.
"Hm? Oh, guilty then. Put me in shackles. Tie me to a horse and have me dragged down the cobblestones." He shrugged, smiling his I'm-ALWAYS-a-Winner smile. "I'll always have the mental images."
Alois raised an intrigued eyebrow. Brittany tossed a small bundle of cloth at the man. "Actually, we were just gonna get you to wear a mini-skirt. It's much less... extreme. Plus VampAnimeLover254 asked for it."
"I see." To deprive Ciel the satisfaction of making the sentence an order, Sebastian shed his dress pants and stuck his ridiculously long legs into about one foot of pleated denim. It did not look as appealing as some fanarts might have you believe. Ciel snorted.
"Next is me!" Brittany said. "Anna pointed out to me that it's actually 'Canterbury', not 'Canterburt', which is what Wikipedia says, but I should know by now that Wikipedia is often full of lies. Especially after Daniel Tosh ordered his entire fanbase to deface his page. Daniel isn't pronounced 'boner'! Anyhow, where is lefty-fringe?"
Canterbury popped up and nodded curtly at the judge.
"I counted all the times I mistyped your name. There were twenty-two, so you are hereby entitled to call me 'Brittant' twenty-two times. Then we'll be even. Cool?"
"Sure thing, Brittant."
Brittany gave him a thumbs up and consulted her papers again. "Wow, we are just burning through these this morning!"
Ciel was apparently out of sarcastic remarks.
Beside him, Lindsay was fiddling around with her iPhone. "HOLY AUNT JEMIMA'S SYRUP!" she hollered. "LOOK, CIEL! LOOK!" She shoved her iPhone in his face. "Someone put photos of us singing Toxic up on Facebook! LOOK HOW LEGIT WE ARE!"
Ciel grimaced daintily at her. "Oh my GAWD there's a VIDEO TOO!" Lindsay laughed. "Classic..."
Brittany said, "CASE 61, from the lovely Monochrome Cloud! Could Ronald Knox and Grell Sutcliff please approach the stand?" The two shinigami were sitting on one of the courtroom benches, clearly ignoring most other things.
"—and I told her, I said, 'I don't pitch for your team, honeybuns,' and she just went livid. I mean—"
"GRELL!"
"—I'm talking a legitimate cinder block. Right out of her goddamn purse! So she—"
"GREEEEEELLLLLLLL SLUTCLIFF!"
"—right in the esophagus! And tossed me on the curb! But here's the best part. This guy—"
"FFILCTUS LLLLEEEEERRRRRGG!"
"—you could actually see it right through his jeans! I'm talkin' like a solid foot! So he holds out a hand—"
"Grelly Grelly so smelly, banana fanna fo-felly, me mi mo melly, GRELLY."
"—didn't even make it out of the foyer. You should've seen my neighbours' faces! So we go down—"
"GRELL!"
"—his socks and a slice of bread—"
"GRELL!"
"—fuckin' unreal, I swear, and then with the floor lamp—"
"GRELL!"
"—while he's simultaneously building a pillow fort! Then he takes my—"
"GRELL!"
"—and I'm like, 'OMG, what luck!' and he—"
"I WON'T SAY IT AGAIN!"
"—turns out it was one of them Ukrainian sausages in his pocket."
Ronald Knox nodded in awe. "Wo-ow."
"Damn right."
Brittany—"Brittant," said Canterbury—smacked her plastic squeaky gavel on the desk because Santa had been too much of a lard-ass that year to give her a proper one. "GUILTY, for possessing death scythes modeled after landscaping tools decades before their time! You are hereby sentenced to hand them over to the court until further notice."
Grell finally turned his attention to the judge. "Uh, I think not."
"Uh, I think so." She strode over and tried to shove the machines into a large sack while Grell tried to pick her up and throw her. Knox was too busy hitting on a bewildered Lindsay to notice. After a five minute struggle wherein Brittany had been bitch-slapped, Grell had been kicked in the 'gnads, Brittany had been kneed in the pelvis and Grell had had his hair yanked out by the roots, the scythes were secured in a shinigami-proof bag. Knox was now hitting on some of the girls receiving Anti-Film-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named Therapy.
Brittany then flopped on the couch/desk, using her bag of winnings like a horridly uncomfortable pillow.
"Ooh!" said Lindsay. "I'mma take this brief hiatus to HAND OUT THE REST OF MA CHIRSTMAS PRESENTS!" She stuck a hand in her plaid bag and produced a hot pink strawberry-shaped-flat-thing on a string and pressed it into Ciel's hand.
"It's an eye patch..." he mumbled unenthusiastically.
"It's got HELLO FRACKING KITTY on it! See?" She turned it over for him.
"What a treat."
"JIMBO, SON!" Lindsay approached the blonde.
Alois was handed a small single-buttoned remote. Upon pressing it everyone heard Britney Spears informing them that ALL THE BOYS AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE BEGGING TO IF YOU SEEK AMY! "Bitchin'! I can think of so many circumstances where this might be useful!"
Next she gave Sebastian black nail polish to quote unquote keep his 'nailz kayoot', the triplets matching pairs of banana knee socks (they thanked her quietly. In song), and Grell braces and a scolding for trying to be Bruce (hint: Fish are friends, not food). Claude was found creeping outside the building wearing an 'I Heart Ciel' t-shirt and given a French vanilla candy cane, The Undertaker was found lurking in the basement and given a nice skeleton, and Brittany received a large amount of 'Hug Me' coupons coloured with crayons.
"And your own 94 pack of those little wax bastards!"
"Hooray! It's like a dream come true!"
Finally, Lindsay yanked the cord hanging from the ceiling and stepped aside as Still-Dismembered-and-Slightly-Decomposed-Hannah fell from up among the pipes and ceiling things. "D-do I get a gift?" she asked timidly and with a pitiful note of hope to her voice.
"NO."
"FRED, LAU, UNDERTAKER AND THE TRIPLETS!" Brittany hollered whilst simultaneously colouring a picture with Luca.
"It comes with a little sharpener," the little brunette boy observed in awe.
"Present, Brittant," said Canterbury.
"Brittant?" said Thompson.
"Brittant."
"So that's her name."
Timber, Lau, and Fred were also present. The Undertaker glided in with his skeleton draped over his shoulder like a buddy with a sprained ankle.
"The six of you are charged by one AnimelovingCat with being way too cool for minor characters! I mean, you three—" she gestured to the triplets, "are fanfiction gold. You're sexy, expendable (you come with backups) and you were given virtually no personalities and therefore can never be OOC. You—" she pointed at Lau, "never open your eyes. We never even see yours—" the Undertaker, of course, "and Fred..."
Fred looked expectant.
"Fred..."
Fred continued to look expectant.
"Fred..."
Fred continued to look elephant.
"Freeeddd..."
"I broke Ciel out of jail."
"Oh yes. Good job!" Brittany attempted to lift the heavy bag of death scythes and hand it to the accused, but the triplets ended up having to take it themselves. "Since you are all so obviously guilty, I will leave it to you to decide what to do with these. Enjoy!"
What they decided to do with those:
Billy Bob and his sister Jilly Job stand back to admire one morning's worth of their handy work. A three-tired snowman stands casually on their lawn, his pebble-made expression jovial and with a bubble pipe jammed in his mouth. His stick arms are outstretched in hugging formation, and there is but one more detail to add before the two naïve children have there very own Frosty the Snowman to frolic with.
Billy Bob hands Jilly Job the top hat. "I'm so excited, Jilly," he says.
"Me too! There's no way this won't work." And with those grand words said, the girl stretches up on her toes to set the hat on the snowman's head. A shower of glitter and sparkle noises erupts, swirling around the snowman in a typical cartoon fashion. Jilly Job and Billy Bob look on in awe.
At last the face comes to life. The snowman opens his mouth to spread his wisdom and joy. "Yo, bitch, you wanna make a shitload of money?"
Jilly Job screams, but the sound is drowned out by the obnoxious roar of an approaching vehicle.
The oncoming thing shoots down the street and the two children can make out a sled powered by some sort of device with a powerful motor. There are six strange men on the sled—three clones, one geisha-man, a normal guy and a guy that looks like their neighbour's Scottie dog, but grey.
"Never fear, children!" the normal one calls. "We have come to bring justice to your front yard!"
"Seriously, kid," says the snowman. "Young thing like you, you can make like eighty bucks in one night! Just—"
The sled rockets past and the three clones raise a massive, roaring instrument above their heads, bringing it down in a sweeping arc to slice the snowman violently in half. The head rolls across the snow and shouts profane things at his attackers. Jilly Job covers her brother's ears.
The clones all whoop and cheer. "Aww, dude!" "Bro!" "Man!" The sled skids and pivots around again, comes back up the street, and the Scottie-dog-man produces a large curved blade like the one the crazy old hag down the street uses to chase children and squirrels from her lawn. He has at it with the torso of the snowman, and the head continues to shout. The Scottie-dog-man explodes in laughter that sounds like Rice Krispies.
"SUPER ULTRA OPIUM LOVE RAINBOW POWEEEEERR!" the geisha man shouts and outstretches his arms towards the head. A blast of sparkly multi-coloured smoke turns the head to an ashy puddle. The normal man shoots him a disapproving look.
"Who are you?" Billy Bob inquires with a sparkle in his eye.
"Us?" The normal one stands with his hands on his hips and exclaims proudly, "We're the Most Excellent Bit-Player Justice Six!"
"He thought of the name," one of the clones feels the need to tack on.
The sled—which it was now apparent is driven by a lawn mower of sorts—spins around on the street once more and disappears into the depths of suburbia. All that can be heard is the clones' shouts.
"So righteous, dudes!" "Let's chop up something else, man!" "Fuckin' sled boner palooza, bro!" "Dude!" "Bro!" "Guys!" "Men!" "Males!" "Homo sapiens!"
Back in court:
"...You pimped the mower into a sled dog and caused thousands of dollars worth of property damage?"
The triplets, Lau, and the Undertaker all nodded giddily. "We did, Brittant." Fred claimed he'd had no hand in it.
"I see... Just... hang tight for now; there's another case I want you guys to take care of later."
"Aye aye, Brittant."
"Now, where did Knox go?"
Knox was chatting up the receptionist.
Brittany hopped down from the couch/desk, strode out the door and down various halls until coming upon the young death god leaning casually against the reception desk. She handed him a taxi-yellow slip of paper. "You just got SERVED."
Knox raised a brow at her and then returned his focus to the receptionist. "Heh, one second." He looked back at Brittany. "Kid, get lost. I won't be cock-blocked by a twelve year-old."
"I'm sixteen..."
"Whatever. Go play court somewhere else."
So Brittany returned to her courtroom whilst pondering how long they'd had a receptionist for.
Then she had to ponder how everyone was suddenly doing something else when she'd only left for two minutes. You see, Sebastian had been trying to make Sebastian-the-dog blow up using only his mind, but now he was walking around in six inch heels with a feather duster. Ciel had been partially-stripped and Alois was making valiant/violent attempts to teach him how to pole dance. The triplets were watching and sharing Timbits and Chicken McNuggets with Sebastian-the-dog, Sammie, and a fat cat that apparently belonged to Anna, and the various other accused and Lindsay had stolen the girls and Finnian receiving Anti-Film-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named therapy to watch Tangled in the adjoining mini-theatre.
"Ciel, it's only fair! How many times have I offered to perform strip-teases for you?"
"Forty-three, but that's besides the point!"
"ZOMBIE-UNICORN SAID SO! It's your own fault for not remembering Halloween night!"
"That wasn't my fault!"
"You've brought this on yourself!"
Brittany dared to approach the desk and retrieve her papers. Seconds later Ciel's shorts fell on her head. "Hey... These smell like fear."
"SMELLS LIKE CHRISTMAS!" Alois tacked on.
Brittany took a look at her To Do list. Case sixty-four—Ciel's mandatory stint of stripperism—and sixty-six—Sebastian's painful punishment for making blatantly sexual advances on Alois' property—, charges from zombie-unicorn and AnimelovingCat respectively, had been crossed out with purple ink and scribbled on in boyish scrawl. The first one clearly stated that Alois would be taking matters into his own hands, and the original idea for case sixty-six had been replaced with... hooker heels...
"Alois? A word?"
Alois tossed Ciel's jacket aside while the younger boy swore. "I'm feeling generous, so you may have five and a half words."
"Hooker heels? Sebby enjoys those... Snuffaluff."
"Ah, but these ones don't have arch support!"
The triplets uttered a collective dramatic gasp.
Ciel's cheek was pressed to the stripper pole. "I don't see how anyone could find this remotely sexy."
"That's because you're doing it wrong," said Alois. "You have to sell it, Ciel! You're supposed to feel empowered and all that rubbish."
"No thank you."
Sebastian came back up to the stand. "I have completed the dusting, Earl Trancy. What is my next task?"
Alois pointed to the nearest corner and said, "Go do jumping-jacks there until the tiles break." Sebastian did as told. Brittany furrowed her brows in confuzzlement. "What?" said Alois. "Your papers said 'painful'. So I'm making him do menial tasks in those ridiculous shoes." Then he hooked Ciel's leg against the stripper pole by way of force.
"You know, when we played Kangaroo Court at camp, the weirdest thing that happened was my friend getting duct-taped to some guy she barely knew and Tom making out with a scarecrow." Then she walked off to steal McNuggets from the triplets.
FIRST PERSON TO FIND THE ACROSTIC POEM WINS!
Where can Alois use his new remote? Who knows? Come on, I know you all have ideas!
Now keep reading.