Chapter 21- The Weight of Expectations

"I think you might have missed something," Edward said with amusement as he surveyed his wife's plate of breakfast.

"Missed something?"

"I can't see any bacon."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong." Lauren moved aside some toasted bread to reveal the bacon concealed underneath.

"Hmm," he said leaning over to inspect her plate further, "Kedgeree, eggs, sausage and bacon. Yes, I think you have everything now."

Mrs Hodges bustled into the dining room and deposited a small basket onto the table. "Freshly baked girdle cakes," she announced.

"They smell heavenly, thank you Mrs Hodges," Lauren said.

"I take it you are somewhat recovered?" said Edward.

Lauren reached for a girdle cake and quickly smothered it with fresh butter and home made gooseberry jam. "Mmm," she mumbled through a mouthful, "it would seem that way. I am perfectly ravenous this morning."

Edwards's eyes twinkled with amusement, "Yes, although I believe I've already been the victim of your voracious appetites this morning."

Lauren blushed furiously but immediately hit back. "I heard no complaints."

He stood and wandered around to her seat, lightly kissing her on the neck. "Nor will you hear any. If my wife wants to seduce me before I'm barely awake, that is entirely her prerogative – and much to be encouraged. Tea?" He gestured at the large pot that sat on the sideboard.

She nodded.

Edward poured the tea and then returned to his seat. "But you are quite recovered from yesterday? No more headaches? No sickness? I could always ask Dr Harrison to call?"

"I'm really quite improved today – as you can see. I still feel a little tired but nothing really out of the ordinary."

"Good," he squeezed her hand, "although you still look a little pale."

"Its December my darling, of course I look pale."

December. Edward could hardly believe how much his life had changed – and in such a short space of time. The crisp mellow days of autumn had now given way to the short cold days of winter and in a matter of weeks Christmas would be upon them. But he was happy – totally and completely; he had a comfortable home, his work was challenging but still fulfilling - and most of all he had a lovely and intelligent wife whom he loved to distraction.

"What are you smiling about?" she said.

"I was counting my blessings," he said with a smile as he stood. "Now I must go. I am meeting with Lady Ludlow later today and I need to be prepared."

"About the changes to the estate management you wish to propose?"

"Amongst other things, but I will try and gauge her demeanour before pressing her on other matters." He paused as he shrugged on his coat. "The painting came back yesterday."

"The painting?"

"The painting of Hanbury that her ladyship commissioned and dispatched to Lord Septimus – it was returned to the estate. Unopened and unseen."

"Oh Edward." Lauren stood and fussed with the buttons of his greatcoat, picking off an imaginary speck of dust as his arms went around her.

"I have not the heart to tell her ladyship," he said.

"Perhaps he had already passed away before the painting arrived in Italy," she said hopefully.

He shook his head. "I had already made enquiries with the Italian solicitors before the painting reappeared. It would appear that the painting arrived before his lordship's final illness. It seems he wanted no part of Hanbury – except the money to fund his extravagant lifestyle."

Lauren could not repress a shiver and she wrapped her arms tightly around her husband, finding comfort in his solid strength and breathing in his familiar musky scent.

"Perhaps you should stay indoors today," he said as he pulled back slightly and kissed her forehead. "There is nothing more to be done in the garden and I think we may see some snow."

She looked somewhat sceptically at him, "What makes you think that?"

Edward laughed, "You forget love – I am a farmer's son! It would be a very bad farmer who didn't recognise the signs of changing weather."

"Well, we shall see who is right come the end of the day," she smiled. "But I may still take your advice. It is cold and there is plenty to be done indoors. You will not be too late this evening? Mrs Hodges is making one of your favourites – roast beef."

He kissed her lightly before finding his hat and making his way towards the door. "I will not be late."

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Harry stood outside the drawing room nervously fingering the letter in his hands. Mr Carter has asked him to deliver the sealed letter personally to Lady Ludlow and to wait for a reply and so he stood…waiting…and waiting. His mind wandered back to the last time he had tried to deliver a missive to her ladyship; the letter had blown away in the wind. Luckily he had committed the message to memory, although Lady Ludlow had not seemed very pleased. Mr Carter assured him that her ladyship would not be so severe this time, although he was to be on his very best behaviour at all times and above all he must remember to make his bows on entering and leaving her ladyship's presence.

Sometimes Harry thought that it was like having two fathers; both could be severe and chastise him for wrongdoings and both could be affectionate – in their own way. His own Dada was quicker to temper and quicker to strike out but Harry loved him still. Mr Carter was…different. He didn't actually lose his temper – not really. But Harry could tell when he was disappointed and somehow that was worse. He would rather submit to physical punishment than endure Mr Carter's icy displeasure. Still, that had not happened recently – not since Mr Carter had gotten himself married that is.

Harry smiled. Mr Carter certainly seemed to be a lot happier since he and Mrs Carter – Miss Galindo that was – had been to church and pledged their vows. He didn't really understand what getting married was all about but he would vouchsafe that it must be a good thing – Mr Carter hardly stopped smiling these days.

All in all, Harry counted himself lucky; he no longer had to work in the cowsheds; he had a happy (if poor) and loving family; he could read as many books as he could devour and Mr Carter loved him almost as a son – and Harry loved him right back.

"Boy!"

Harry jumped to attention as the footman approached.

"Yes sir?"

"You have a letter for Lady Ludlow?"

"Yes sir."

"You may hand it over – I will ensure that her ladyship receives it."

"No sir. That is, I'm sorry but I have my instructions."

"Instructions?" said the footman with a sneer.

"Yes sir. I am to place the letter in her ladyship's hands myself."

The footman looked down from his considerable height and sighed heavily. "Very well. One moment."

Harry watched as the uniformed lackey entered the imposing door in front of him. He did not have too long to wait before the footman returned and gestured him forward into the drawing room.

He entered and tentatively made his way forward. He did not recognise this particular room – he was almost positive it was not the same room where he had encountered her ladyship previously; but then there were so many rooms it was hard to tell. He eyes adjusted to the gloom within; he had heard tell that her ladyship sat in the dark but he was pleased to note that some of the shutters were open, allowing at least some natural daylight within. He confidently walked towards the chair where Lady Ludlow was sitting.

Harry bowed and then stood for a moment and wondered if he should say something. Lady Ludlow seemed to be in a world of her own, her eyes fixed on some distant point and her mind elsewhere. But no, Mr Carter had given him strict instructions – he must be patient. Suddenly, Lady Ludlow's head jerked upwards and she became aware of another presence in the room.

"Ah, young Master Gregson is it not?"

He bowed again, just to make sure. "Yes milady. Mr Carter sent this letter – he said I should give it to no-one but you."

She nodded slowly and held out her hand to receive the item he offered.

"And do you know what it says?" she said putting the letter to one side.

Harry shook his head. "No milady. It was sealed by Mr Carter's own hand – and it's conf…conf…"

"Confidential?" she said with a vague hint of a smile.

Harry smiled broadly and nodded. "Yes. Confidential milady."

"I am pleased to see that you have learned discretion Harry. I am glad to have been proved wrong in your case."

Harry simply nodded.

"You may sit down," she said.

"Oh – I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be right and Mr Carter said I shouldn't."

"You have my permission – and it will be our secret."

Harry sat very carefully on the opposite chair.

"Now Harry, how do you find your work in the estate office?"

Harry grinned. "I like it very much your ladyship. There's so many words and books to read – I could stay there all day and night."

"And Mr Carter? He must treat you well of course?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes. And he's been showing me the estate too, not just the books and things."

Lady Ludlow nodded. "He is a good friend – to both of us I think."

"Mr Carter says than Hanbury is the best place in the whole world and you are its best mistress."

She smiled despite herself. Really, this young lad had an impish charm that was almost impossible to resist, and now that he was cleaned and tidy – well…he could well be an asset to the estate as Mr Carter had claimed.

"And do you think that?" she said.

Harry considered the question seriously. "Well milady, I haven't been to many other places but I can't imagine there would be anything like Hanbury."

She nodded her approval. "Quite so. But I am beginning to think that Hanbury lacks something."

"Oh?"

"Wouldn't you be happy if there were a school? Somewhere you could read and write and learn all the things that a young man needs to make his way in the world?"

He frowned. "But…but I thought you didn't want that your ladyship?"

"I didn't. It doesn't mean that I was correct. I have been wrong about so many things." She stood and very slowly walked towards the window and looked out into garden. "I have had a lot of time to think recently Harry. Too much time possibly. There are many things in my life that perhaps I should have done differently. What do you think?"

He replied with a child's innocence. "I think you must be very sad."

"Sad?"

"To lose all your children. Mr Carter said that Lord Septimus was the last."

"Yes," she whispered, "the very last. I hope you never have to bear such sadness."

"But maybe if there was a school here then all the children would learn about Hanbury and love it as much as we all do?"

"I confess I had never considered that. But wouldn't you like to go away to school, maybe even to a great school and then university?"

Harry pulled a face. "I don't really know about that. I don't think I'd like to live away from my family – and Mr Carter. And if there was a school here then…"

"Then you wouldn't have to leave. Well young man, we shall have to see what can be done. You may return to your duties."

Harry jumped up from the chair and bowed. "Is there any reply to the letter my lady?"

"None, but you may tell Mr Carter that I shall expect to see him this afternoon at our usual appointment."

Augusta, Lady Ludlow returned to the window and to the contemplation that had become her custom. For an instant she could see a chink of light in the all-pervading gloom of her existence. Perhaps there was a way after all to ensure that the name and estate of Hanbury was not forgotten.

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Edward took a last look around the estate office before dousing the lamp and closing the door behind him with a satisfying thud. It had been a good day. He quickly glanced at his pocket watch before heading off to retrieve Alexander from the stables. It was still reasonably early in the afternoon but the days of December were short indeed and it would be almost totally dark by the time he arrived home. He smiled wryly to himself. He could make all the excuses he liked but the fact was that he looked forward to going home these days – and most especially today when he had so much good news to impart to Lauren.

He allowed his mind to wander as he threw himself in to the saddle. Alexander could probably find his way home blindfold, which was just as well as Hanbury estate was not exactly a public thoroughfare and lighting was extremely limited. It now seemed that young Harry had passed the test he had set him with flying colours – and Lady Ludlow had acknowledged that fact. In fact, Harry had somehow gone even further than he had imagined and had managed to do something that had eluded Edward - permission to set about building a school. Harry had faithfully reported his conversation with Lady Ludlow and Edward had confirmed the salient details in his own meeting with her ladyship.

Edward had not been idle in the weeks and months following the death of Lord Septimus and today's meeting had been the culmination of that activity. In the most tactful and sympathetic way possible he had informed Lady Ludlow that the mortgage she had raised on the estate was now almost totally repaid. Due to Italian inefficiencies and his lordship's own temperament, work on building the planned new residence had not even commenced and Edward had set the estate lawyers to work on retrieving any funds paid. That, combined with the fact that there would be no further outgoings to her ladyship's son, meant that he could plan for the future with confidence. More importantly her ladyship's peace of mind was restored – at least concerning the finances of the estate. There were still debts of course but nothing that the estate could not handle.

All this and more had been discussed and he could not wait to tell his wife. He was quietly confident that Lauren would have some very pertinent ideas regarding the new school and he was fully prepared for her to offer to oversee this enterprise – indeed he was relying on it. His day was already very full, especially with the extra responsibilities that Lady Ludlow had now entrusted to him; he would oversee the project but ultimately he could not be involved on a day-to-day basis, especially as he would be the anonymous charitable benefactor of the school. Lady Ludlow had vouchsafed the land but the necessary funds must come from elsewhere.

He pulled his greatcoat tightly around him and looked up to the sky as he felt a droplet of cold moisture on his cheek. Snow! Still very light at the moment but the sky looked overcast and full and he would wage that there would be a substantial covering before the end of the evening. He peered into the gloom and could just make out the lights of Rosewood gleaming invitingly.

The snow began to fall more insistently, almost blinding him as he faced into the blizzard of white. He encouraged his equine companion into a gallop. "Come on Alex. The sooner we get home the sooner you can be in a nice warm stable with some apples and the sooner I can have my roast beef."

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The unexpected sight of Mr Hodges waiting at the front door caused Edward to frown and urge Alexander in that direction. Normally, he approached the cottage from the rear and took the horse into the stables himself, but the fact that Hodges seemed to be waiting for him caused a small ripple of alarm. As soon as he reached the path leading to the front door Mr Hodges ran toward him.

"Thank gawd you've come Sir. I was just about to come and fetch yer meself."

Edward jumped down and handed the reins to Hodges. "What is it man? Speak up."

"It's the missus. Mrs Carter that is sir – she's gone. Disappeared."

"What you do mean 'gone'?" A cold ripple of fear was beginning to permeate Edward, rippling outwards from the pit of his stomach. "Gone where?"

"You'd best come in and speak to Margaret. I've only just found out meself."

"Here. Take the horse and see him settled and then come straight back. I may have need of you."

Edward stalked quickly through the house until he found Mrs Hodges and Margaret at the back doorway, peering out into the murky snowstorm.

"Oh Sir," the young maid said, "I'm so sorry."

"Tell me what happened. Where exactly is my wife?" He winced as he saw Margaret cower with fear and forced himself to moderate his tone. "It's alright Margaret – you've nothing to fear. Just tell me exactly what happened."

Taking a deep breath she started to speak. "Well sir, she was restless most of the day – Mrs Carter that is. She couldn't seem to settle to anything; one minute she was sewing and they she'd shoot off into the kitchen to talk to Mrs Hodges and then into the garden."

"I see. Did she seem well? Was she ill?"

Mrs Hodges stepped forward. "Well, she did ask me to make her some ginger tea…and well, normally you only have that if you're feeling poorly – an upset tummy maybe. And she did look quite pale come to think of it."

"Thank you Mrs Hodges. Now, how did she come to disappear – did she say where she was going?"

Margaret nodded. "It was only about an hour ago. She came through the kitchen and said she was going out." Margaret screwed her eyes up in concentration as she struggled to remember. "She was walking quite slowly, not like her usual self and she said she needed some fresh air and that she wouldn't be long. I told her it would be getting dark soon and she promised she would be back before then."

"And that was the last you saw of her?"

Margaret nodded tearfully. "Yes sir. She put on her cloak and went off. The last time I saw her she was at yon side of the garden, heading towards the pasture."

"Mrs Hodges?"

"Yes sir?"

"I want you to make sure the main bedroom has a roaring fire and that the bed is warmed. I will find Mrs Carter and bring her straight up."

Edward grabbed a lamp from the kitchen table and headed towards the door. "Light some more lamps and hang them outside the door and tell Mr Hodges to join me in the search when he returns."

With a growing sense of impending doom he headed into the elements. What was she thinking of? To head out when she knew it would be growing dark. Didn't she see the clouds full of snow? He would tan her bloody hide if…when he found her. His mind refused to contemplate the very notion of not finding her; that she wasn't already on her way home and that he would meet her as he was searching. They would probably have an almighty row and she would sulk and he would storm off – or possibly the other way around. And then they would both apologise and they would make amends in the sweetest way possible – their passionate anger turning into passionate love.

But first he had to find her.

He held the lamp high and began to call. "Lauren? Lauren?"

No reply.

He was sure he would hear her voice if she replied, for all the snow that whirled about him. He made his way towards the perimeter of the main garden, his eyes and ears alert for any signal. Where would she go? To the right lay what would normally be pasture but where Lauren was planning to encourage a host of wild flowers to grow. Surely there was nothing there to tempt her. His mind worked feverishly as he tried to imagine her thoughts. The orchard perhaps? They had recently placed a wooden love seat amongst the trees and it had become a special place for them - ever since that day when they had made love amongst the leaves.

He could hear Mr Hodges behind him, engaged in his own search as Edward headed quickly towards the orchard. It was almost totally dark now and even without the snow swirling around it would have been difficult to see anything. "Lauren?" His voice rang out and he was surprised at the desperation he heard in it. Please God let her be found. He found himself bargaining with God in his head. He would give anything just as long as he found her.

He stood in the middle of the orchard to catch his breath and held the lamp at arms length. He almost cried with frustration - darkness and snow were his only companions, along with a few piles of leaves that had not yet been cleared away and were now lightly covered with snow. "Lauren," he cried desperately.

Out of the corner of one eye he thought he saw something move. Quickly he swung the lamp around and shouted "Lauren?" Again there was a small movement…there…on the ground. He ran quickly towards the movement before he lost track in the darkness, almost slipping on the increasingly treacherous ground. As he drew closer he could see the indistinct shape resolve into a body lying face down upon the ground.

"Lauren…my God."

He knelt down beside her and carefully turned her towards him. He quickly smoothed her hair away from her face and tried to rouse her.

"Lauren…love….please wake up." He gently tapped her cheeks and then rubbed her hands. Even with the lamp beside him there was little he could see but there didn't appear to be any blood, no sign of broken limbs. Still kneeling beside her he scooped her into his embrace, holding her closely and rocking back and forth. "Come on Lauren wake up. I can't do this…not again."

Suddenly one of her hands twitched and he heard a whisper against his cheek. "Edward?"

"Yes...yes…I'm here." He held her away from him slightly to look into her face. Her eyes were still closed but her lips were moving and he leaned closer.

"You were right…snow," she whispered.

He almost laughed. How typical! But then his laughter turned to tears of relief as he held her tightly against his chest. Thank God…thank God. But now he had to get her home.

"Come on love, best get you into the warm. Can you stand?"

"Yes…I think so."

Edward carefully manoeuvred himself into a standing position, taking Lauren with him until they were both upright. He held her steady for a moment but then her knees buckled and he caught her before she hit the ground once more. "Perhaps not," he muttered. He was not going to be able to carry the lamp and Lauren back to the house so he quickly doused it and left it on the ground, hoping that Mrs Hodges had followed his instructions and left some lamps at the back door to light the way. He was confident of his direction from here and once he caught sight of the lamps he would know exactly where to head for.

"Put your arms around my neck," he said as he gently lifted her into his arms. "Good girl. My lovely girl. Soon have you tucked up nice and warm."

"I'm sorry," Lauren muttered against his shoulder as he began to walk slowly towards the house.

"Hush. You just concentrate on holding on."

Edward walked steadily if slowly towards the perimeter of the orchard, the snow almost blinding him now as he walked towards the house. A dull ache was beginning to emanate from his right leg but he ignored it. He would crawl on hands and knees if he had to. When they reached the low wooden face that marked the border of orchard he rested for a minute, balancing his precious cargo as he caught his breath and rested his leg.

The snow was falling insistently as he took her into his arms again. She nestled her head into his shoulder. "I love you," she mumbled.

"I know," he whispered. Edward peered into the distance and could now just make out the beacon of the shining lamps. He huddled her closer and increased his pace. Luckily the ground was quite flat here - even if it was covered with snow. He counted each step in his head, gritting his teeth against the pain in his leg and taking strength from the warmth of his beloved Lauren.

"Arghhh!" He cursed as he slipped and almost fell to the ground, instead he managed to balance on one knee, Lauren still safely enclosed within his grasp.

"Mr Carter…Mr Carter." He looked up to see Mrs Hodges and Margaret running towards them.

"Oh Mr Carter…are you alright?" said Mrs Hodges.

"I'm fine," he gasped. "Is Mr Hodges returned?"

"Look," she pointed, "he's just coming."

Sure enough he could see Mr Hodges running towards them from the direction of the pasture. "Good…good."

"Shall we help you with Mrs Carter?" said Margaret.

He shook his head. "No, just help me to stand up and then I'll get her into the house." They stood either side of him as he raised himself up and adjusted Lauren in his arms. He noticed that she was very quiet.

"Is the bedroom prepared?"

"Yes sir," Margaret said, "The fires roaring and there's a hot water bottle in the bed."

"Excellent. Mr Hodges?"

"Yes sir?" the older man gasped as he finally reached the scene.

"I need you to fetch Dr Harrison."

"Yes sir."

"Take Alexander – he's the fastest. And you must be insistent Hodges – don't take no for an answer."

Without another word Hodges nodded and headed in the direction of the stables. Edward hated to send another man out into the elements on a night like this but there was no help for it. Finally, and with Mrs Hodges and Margaret following closely, he staggered into the cottage and up the stairs to their bedroom, placing her carefully on the bed.

Edward tore off his gloves and coat and quickly started to remove her sodden clothing. She looked so vulnerable lying there in the vast bed alone – pale, shivering and so very quiet.

"You should go now sir –we can manage." Mrs Hodges said.

"Go? And where on earth would I go?"

"Just while we get her clothes off and pop her into bed."

"Mrs Hodges – you may be somewhat surprised to discover that I have actually seen my wife naked before! Do you seriously imagine that I would leave her now?"

Mrs Hodges blushed. "Of course not sir. But why don't you sit by the fire and get warm yourself. We can manage this much quicker I'm sure."

For a moment Edward was torn but was eventually won over by the logic of the matter. "Very well, but be quick about it." He sat by the fire, his eyes never leaving the bed as they managed to remove Lauren's clothing, replacing it with a substantial nightgown and tucking her into the bedclothes. Just as soon as that was done Edward returned to her side.

"Is she injured?"

"I don't think so sir," Margaret said.

He sat on the bed and touched her cheek. She was still a little cold but there did seem to be some colour returning. "Lauren…sweetheart?" he whispered against her ear.

There was no response.

. . . . . . to be continued.