A/N: thank you all for the kind reviews. We are on break this week for work so another update...:) Subsequent ones will come slower as work is about to really pick up, but thank you for continuing to read and review!
Chapter 21: Mourning
She sat, twisting her ring, listening to rain pitter-patter on the window as the staff from the prime minister's office and the staff for the royal family were going over arrangements…loads and loads of arrangements. It wasn't a state funeral but because Collin was a sitting prime minister, it was going to be similar in grandeur. A day of mourning, televised, proceeding from the parliament building to the church, where his service would be held. Collin was so humble, it would have bothered him immensely the fanfare for him. She sighed, continuing to twist, absently at her engagement and wedding rings.
"Mrs. Stevens?"
She shrugged and then stood to go over to window, staring out of it. The room grew quiet.
"BBC would like an interview….at least to schedule one in the next few months. The American press is also quite eager for your thoughts."
She continued to look, "that is quite impossible."
"And we still need to choose the music."
"Sarah, dear?" Beth Stevens coaxed.
"You decide."
"I really think…"
"I think we should just not do any of this. Collin wasn't royalty."
"With all due respects, ma'am," the staffer said, "he was the prime minister of our country."
"It's all a lie anyway," she muttered.
A few minutes later, another butler came in, "Mrs. Stevens, please come with me."
She exchanged a weary look with Beth and then followed the butler out of the door and up the stairs into one of the palace apartments.
She curtsied when she entered the room with the queen.
"Let's have tea," the queen said.
"I'm not dressed properly," she protested.
"We can overlook any impropriety."
"They need me downstairs."
"Are you really taken to arguing with your sovereign?"
"No, ma'am."
"Sit."
Sarah sat and crossed her ankles, reaching for the outstretched tea cup. She took a sip, the aroma instantly soothing her.
"I understand you are not participating in your husband's arrangements."
"With all due respect, I do not see the point of all of this. He was just a man. And I am just the woman who loved him. Other prime ministers are not granted this honor. Why should Collin be different?"
"His death was tragic. Our country needs the opportunity to mourn his loss properly. And you need to give them that. Not only that, it is you who must show them the way to mourn him."
"I don't know the way to mourn him or how to best honor him. How can I show them something that I myself cannot comprehend?"
"You must find the way."
"But you know the truth as well as I do. You know how he died."
"I do," she said, evenly. "But they cannot."
"I'm not keen on living out a lie."
"But part of you has done so all along," she pointed out. "You must let your bitterness go. For the country's sake."
"That's a tall order."
"But one you must take. You have no other recourse. Your husband was an extraordinary man…to become what he did at his age. He rose to the occasion. And he chose you. He chose you to rise with him. And you will. For that is what your country demands of you."
"Yes, ma'am." Sarah aqiesed because she knew she was right…and she did have little choice.
So, she finished her tea and then left her alone, going back downstairs to where the staff was still talking about the music.
"I Vow to Thee my Country," she said, quietly, "it was sung at our wedding and it will be sung at Collin's funeral. It was his favorite. He would have wanted that one. Other than that, let's not fuss about the music. It will be beautiful regardless. Now what else?"
"Here, allow me," Andi said, as Severus tied and re-tied his tie again, fumbling with doing it correctly. They were dressing in a room at Downing St, where Sarah was spending her last morning in residence. They had arrived yesterday and Sarah had hosted them and Collin's family- his parents and sister, as arrangements were made. She had been unusually quiet, but had an eire composure, her emotions cleared. He suspected that she out of desperation, she was employing techniques from her youth to control her emotions. She had been strong and graceful the past few days, even comforting and consoling Collin's parents, who were understandingly distraught. But he knew that she was going to break soon and when she did, it would be all the worse for holding it in.
"I never use magic for this anyway," Snape said, "I don't know why I am all thumbs."
Andi looped through his tie, "It is going to be an emotional day," she said, quietly, "She needs us steady…Collin's parents are devastated themselves. I understand that feeling all too well. No mother should have to bury their child-its simply not how it is supposed to be."
"Is this bringing back memories for you?"
Andi paused for a moment, "To be honest, yes."
"I'm sorry, Andromeda," Severus said, his voice low. "I know you still mourn."
"I do. It is not as fresh, but it will always be with me. Though my situation was entirely different from what they are experiencing because I could grieve without the fanfare. They are forced to grieve their child with the whole world watching…and Sarah, her husband. We have to keep our emotions under control for them."
"You know me," Severus said, watching his wife, "I'm used to being stoic…and completely controlled in my emotions, but this…this is tearing me up to my very core."
"I know, it is," Andromeda pulled up his tie, knotting it. She reached up to cup his face, "You do know with me that you never have to completely control your emotions. I will love you regardless and truth be told, I love you all the more for those special moments when you allow me to truly come close to you."
"I never thought I would want to with anybody," Snape said, "and that is also why it is affecting me so…because I know what Sarah had with Collin, because it is what I have it with you. And if I ever lost you, I don't know what I would do. You have changed me. I don't want to go back to how it was before."
"You wouldn't," Andi said, "I don't create your humanity…that light in you was always there, I just hopefully help shine it brighter, just as you do for me."
He kissed her, "Help me be a good father today. She needs me at my best."
"You have never needed my help with that, Severus Snape. Just do what you know to do. And love her through this all."
She stared at herself in the full length dressing mirror in the bedroom of Downing Street that she shared with Collin. She adjusted the black peplum jacket that had arrived this morning and straightened the matching pencil skirt. She smoothed down her hair making sure there were no strays out of place.
"Okay," she took a breath as her hand travelled to her stomach, her fingers lightly tapping against it.
"We can do this, love. You and I…" she whispered. "We have to do this together for your daddy. He would want us to be strong for him and for our country. He loved this country so much and he loved both of us so."
"Collin…"
"Yes, darling?"
She had flopped on the bed where he was reading a report, papers spread out on the quilt.
"Can you focus on me for a minute?"
"Yes, of course," he looked up immediately, "What it is?"
She extended her hand, a white stick in it. "I'm never late. I didn't look. I can't look. Will you look?"
He took the stick and looked down, staring at it. "I don't believe it."
Her heart fluttered. "Is it…Collin, it's bad news, isn't it? A fluke being late…"
"It's positive," he interrupted, quickly.
"Positive?" she asked, faintly. "After all this time?"
Collin put the pregnancy test down and stacked up his papers, putting them aside. "After all this time, Mrs. Stevens," his voice choked. "My God."
She swallowed hard, "Are you sure?" her lip trembled.
Collin picked back up the test, "See for yourself." He handed it back to her and wiped the tears that were welling up in his own eyes.
She looked at it, "I'm pregnant. Clearly pregnant. Gosh, it's really clear, isn't it?"
"No doubt."
She covered her face and began to weep.
His hands removed hers from her face, kissing them before his arms immediately came around her, pulling her solidly against him, "My darling wife, how I love you…" he murmured in her ear.
"I'm so happy. So blessed," she raised her head and looked at him through her tears, "We are going to have a baby. A sweet lovely baby. Our child. Can you believe it?" She put her hands on his face, "Collin…this is most amazing news!"
"I concur," He kissed her, passionately.
She carried her hat down the stairs, holding on to the staircase, minding her step. She entered the sitting room, where Collin's parents and sister, Snape & Andi, Harry & Ginny, Ron & Hermione and many of Collin's staff were there.
"Is there press outside already?" she asked, standing in the doorway.
Snape moved quickly to her, "Yes. They apparently want to see you leave."
"Lovely," she said, taking a breath.
"We are going to send Ginny and James with Hermione to the church. It's too long of a walk for them with Ginny about to have the baby."
"Good idea," she nodded, "Are we ready?"
"Everything is in order," he said.
"Where are Collin's parents?"
"We are right here, dear," Beth said and she and Collin's father, William, put their arms around their daughter in law.
"How can I do this?" she whispered to them.
Beth pulled away, "We are doing this together. For Collin."
"For Collin," she whispered.
Beth helped her pin on her hat, the big traditional muggle English hat. "You look lovely," she whispered.
"Thank you," her throat felt incredibly dry.
They made their way to Westminister Palace and waited again for the procession to begin. Finally, an official came in,
"We are ready for you, Mrs. Stevens," he said.
She took a deep breath and then looked to Snape, who nodded at her. He had Andi's hand in his and they approached her.
"Do you want me to walk out with you now?" he asked.
She bit her lip and she swallowed hard. "I need to do this first, I think. But I want you beside me as we walk. Please don't go far from me."
She reached for his hand and squeezed it, closing her eyes and taking a breath.
Snape leaned in, "You can do this, sweetheart."
"Do you think? I mean, do you really think?"
"I know," he said, his voice low.
She opened her eyes and turned to Beth.
"We'll be right behind you, but you should go first," she said, her lip trembled slightly.
"Right," she took another breath. "Alright." She nodded at the official, "I'm ready," She followed him into the hall, where the press and swarms of people were waiting for her.
And it was then, she saw Collin's casket.
It took every ounce of her courage and resolve to put one foot in front of another as she walked towards it. Harry and Ron were standing beside it along with other staffers from Collin's office. They had agreed to carry it in the processional. She reached out to squeeze Harry's hand with one hand and then Ron's with the other, linking the three of them together, much like they were with Hermione during their years at Hogwarts. She needed their strength at that moment, to do what she knew she must do next.
She had to acknowledge it…the fact that it was her husband in there…the Prime Minister of Britain. It was expected of her and yet, it compounded her grief. She didn't want to acknowledge it. She wanted to pretend this wasn't happening. Yet, she couldn't do that.
"My love," she whispered and she placed both her hands on Collin's coffin, leaning on it and closing her eyes, aware of the flash of cameras.
"My love," Collin murmured.
Thump, thump, thump
She knew she should be looking at the screen, but she had took her eyes off of it for a moment and was now mesmerized by Collin's face, watching him as he watched the screen, and she knew in that moment, he was already completely in love with the little life inside of her.
"Look at her kicking," he laughed. "she is an active little thing, isn't she?"
"We can't tell gender yet, silly," Sarah looked back at the screen to where the baby was clearly moving and kicking.
"It's a girl," Collin said, confidently.
"You will give your son a complex if it is a boy," Sarah teased.
"Regardless," Collin smiled, "the child is perfect, is it not?"
"Perfect," the ultrasound tech confirmed. "Congratulations, Mr. Prime Minister."
"This woman," Collin leaned over and kissed her head, "continues to make me the luckiest man on this earth. Our daughter is going to have her unmatched beauty, grace and strength."
Sarah blushed, "And this is how he became prime minister of Britain at such a tender age," she teased.
"You wound me, wife," Collin said, jokingly. "You know I don't flatter unfairly. It happens to be the complete and utter truth."
She grinned and then turned back to the screen, "he or she is lovely, that is for sure. Hello, our baby, we can't wait to meet you, little love."
She allowed the memory of those words to strengthen her. She straightened, rubbing the coffin gently with her fingers, before stepping aside, nodding her head for the procession to begin.
The grief felt all consuming, she drowning in its weight as she followed the coffin passed the throngs of mourners. Snape was by her side, Collin's family flanked on his other side. It felt surreal…the whole ordeal. She turned her head to Snape.
"Dad," her voice cracked and he extended his hand and she reached for it, holding onto it as her lifeline. Her other hand was resting ever so slightly on her belly…the secret that only her and Collin held…and the portrait of Headmaster Dumbledore.
But then a group of mourners caught her eye and she stopped, let go of Snape's hand to break the procession and go to them. She felt all eyes on her, but still she broke protocol. It was the children from the orphanage that Collin had rebuilt all those many years ago after Voldemort destroyed it in a fire-retribution for her behavior. And in front was now the 7 year old boy, Harry- that Sarah had saved all those many years ago, defying the Dark Lord's orders not to return. Collin and Sarah frequented the orphanage often in his tenure of prime minister- that and many others, but that one was always special to them both.
She greeted some of the other children before fixing her gaze on Harry.
"Hello, Harry," Sarah leaned over and gave him a hug, "Are these for me?"
"Yes, ma'am. I thought you would like them," Harry responded. "That's what girls like when they are sad, right?"
"You are quite right," she said, gently, as she took them. "And I am very sad right now."
"I am too."
"It's okay to be sad," Sarah murmured, "it shows we love him, but Prime Minister Stevens wouldn't want us to be too sad."
Harry nodded.
"I must go," she patted his arm, "Thank you for the flowers, Harry. They are lovely."
"Yes, ma'am."
She smiled at the other children, before joining back the procession who had halted for her.
She extended her hand to Snape and Severus took back her hand and didn't let it go.
It was much later…years in fact… that Snape would relate to her the words of the queen to him that day.
"Your daughter is remarkably brave."
And as Snape watched her all day, he had to agree. His Gryffindor lioness had once again proved that the sorting hat had read her correctly all those many moons ago.
"Consider it," Severus entreated.
"There is nothing to consider," Sarah said, "the movers already moved everything back here during the funeral. I made the decision days ago."
And she had made it…she could only hope that her living separate from Snape and the others would convince whoever was behind Collin's attack that she was serious about remaining separate from everything- that she wasn't going to try to integrate her child in the wizarding world, flaunting the fact she made the decision to conceive a chid with a muggle. The wards were still up at the cottage from years ago and as much as she shunned her magic, she wasn't about to ask to take the wards done. They would be enough to protect her from intruders, coupled with the muggle police protections.
She was sitting with Severus, Andi and Harry around Collin and her kitchen table in the small cottage that Collin and she still owned.
"There is no way that Potter can provide appropriate protection for you here," Severus entreated.
"Well," Sarah stood as the tea kettle whistled, "That is good, because he wasn't going to anyway."
"You have to have protection," Harry said, evenly, interrupting Severus's heated retort. "That's non-negotiable."
"You or nobody else can force me to have protection," she said. "And regardless, I have muggle protection."
"Bloody good that did Collin," Severus retorted.
She slammed the mug she was reaching for down on the counter, "Really?" she glared at Snape, "that was low."
"You are being unreasonable," Severus countered.
"And it's my choice if I am or if I am not."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, completely frustrated at his daughter's hostile response to provide for her safety.
"Let's all take a few breaths," Andi said, rising to take the mug from Sarah and retrieve three more from the cabinet, pouring them all tea. "Obviously, our emotions are high right now…for all of us."
"He can't force me into doing this, Andi. I'm not a child anymore."
"But," Andi countered, her hand on Sarah's hand, which was resting on the counter, "He still deserves your respect no matter how old you are- I think he has earned that throughout the years. You need to listen to him. He isn't being unreasonable. You know that."
"I can't leave here," she whispered.
"Then," Harry stood and walked over to her, "Take my offer to allow aurors to guard you instead of the muggle force."
She shook her head, swiftly, "I am not having aurors invade this house. I'm not going to."
"Lupin can live with you. And we will have protection outside. He'll respect your privacy and you and him are friends. It shouldn't be too invasive."
"He can't leave his child."
"He has gone on missions before," Andi said, quietly. "Teddy will stay with Severus and myself at Hogwarts for the summer term."
"I will not have you," she pointed to Harry "and him," she pointed at Snape, "bully me into this. No magical protection. No magic at all in this house. Do you hear me?" She waved her finger at them.
"Sarah Grace," Severus stood, his voice low, but stern, "Just because you have lost your husband doesn't entitle you to be so disagreeable to those who are trying to help." He gave her a look.
"She's grieving, Severus," Harry said.
"She's aware of what she is doing, Harry," Severus retorted, "And grieving is not a pass to attack the very ones who are trying to help her."
"I am not having magic in this house!" she raised her voice. "I will not stand for it."
"And I will not stand you acting like an unreasonable brat, no matter how old you!" Snape retorted, his own voice raised. He paused, taking several marked breaths before forcing his voice to calm, "Why are you pushing so hard?"
"Just stop!" She pointed her finger at him, glaring.
"Point that finger at me again," Severus growled, "and I will show you just how much I am still capable of being your father no matter how old you are or how grieved you are."
"I dare you to…" she retorted, heated.
"I don't make idle threats as you very well know. And I dare you back," Snape said, his voice low.
Andi exchanged a weary look at Harry, who shuffled, awkwardly.
"I think…it would be best…for us to let you two hash this out," Harry said, "in private."
"Excellent notion," Severus said, his eyes not leaving his daughter.
"That really isn't necessary, Harry" Sarah retorted, evenly.
"Well, Paddy," Harry ran his hair through his head, "I learned long ago not to ever get in the way of you and Snape when you are having one of your talks."
"We are done talking about this."
"We certainly are not," Severus's voice was stern.
"I'm just going to take my tea," Harry reached for his mug, "Into the other room."
"I'll join you," Andi said.
She brushed her hands against Snape's arm on the way out, "darling, tread carefully," she entreated but still left with Harry.
"What the hell, Snape?" Sarah asked, as the door swung shut. "Are you out of your everlasting mind?"
"You are still my child," he said, crossing his arms, "And I know you are angry, but Harry and I, we aren't the enemy here. We are trying to help you."
"I don't want help!"
Snape stepped forward, towering over her, his arm on the counter, effectively trapping her there. She tried to swing under them, but he kept them steady. "Listen to me."
"No."
"Listen to me!"
She didn't really see she had much of a choice, "Fine, what is it?"
"I thought you were dead, Sarah. Do you realize how it is to think your child is dead? Take how you felt with Orion and multiple it a hundred times over."
She took a breath, not looking at him, but not arguing at the moment.
He continued, "And it hasn't been the first time in your short life that I thought that. I thought it your first year when you recklessly followed Harry to retrieve the stone and then in the chamber your second year and then fifth year at the ministry…and then at the battle of Hogwarts….and then when you were an auror, I would worry when you would go on missions. I would try to distract myself, but it was agonizing for me. And then, you married Collin and I thought…'now, she will be safe.'…and yet, a few days ago, I was certain that we had lost you. It could have very well been you in a casket next to Collin's yesterday. Every moment yesterday, I was thinking of how lucky we were not to have that be the case. And now, you are telling me that you refuse any help from those that can protect you…because what? you don't want to live?"
She sniffled, but remained quiet.
"You have been so strong these past few days. I know you have been hanging on by a thread and you are reaching your breaking point. Yesterday was taxing for you and you woke up this morning and you just want to be left alone. And that's to be expected, Merlin knows you deserve that…but for a moment longer, I need you to think with your head…not with your emotions. Just as I taught you time and time again. I need you to choose your survival over everything else…over the fact that you are pissed off that magic that has taken everything from you…might just…save your life."
"I don't want to displease you, but I will not have magic in this house. The police protection will be sufficient."
"It is your choice. Truly it is," Severus said, "However, lest you forget," he leaned over to whisper in her ear, "I have choices too. And I will kidnap you and lock you up in a room at Hogwarts if that is what it takes. Do you quite understand me?"
"You wouldn't do that," she laughed, incredulously,"You are bluffing."
"I was a death eater, Sarah Grace. Of course I would. Do not underestimate the lengths I would go to ensure your survival. I have sold my soul to the darkness for you once before…and I would do so again. Do not doubt me."
She pursed her lips. "They would throw you in Azkaban."
Snape laughed, "Really? Do you think Potter would? He would help me with it if it would mean that he didn't have to worry about you being killed. And in any case, I happen to be married to an excellent solicitor."
"Damn you, Snape," Sarah glared at him, "Lupin in the house only. And only magic in dire circumstances."
Snape patted her cheek, "That's my good girl," he said. "very reasonable decision."
Sarah threw the tea towel at him, "You are not my favorite person right now."
"But I am your ally in all of this. Don't make me the enemy. You have enough of those without creating them."
And she knew he was right. Abruptly, she reached up and put her arms around him.
"I'm sorry. That was beastly of me right now. Forgive me."
"Forgiven. I know are working through much. What can I do?"
"Just do what you are doing…love me through this, okay?"
"Please allow me too."
"I'll try. That's the best I can offer you."
"I'll take it," Snape kissed her head, affectionately.
She sat on her bed, looking at the bag that came from the muggle police. She knew Harry wanted it to be turned over to him for the auror investigation, but she couldn't let go of that in this moment.
She opened Collin's wallet and went through it. There were a few bills, the credit cards, and then pictures.
She pulled out the picture of her and him in Saint Andrews on East Sands, during one of their many visits to his parents.
"We don't have a picture of us," Sarah said, holding her camera, that she had been using to take pictures of the beach. They had been engaged for a few days.
"Darling," Collin laughed, "Just pick up a newspaper. There are loads of pictures of us."
"No," she poked at him and twirled slightly, holding the bottom of the dress, so it wouldn't get wet, "Pictures that are for just us."
Collin looked mischievous, "Naughty pictures?"
She smacked at him then, "Collin Stevens…"
He laughed, "Hand me your camera, Sarah Grace."
"I can take it."
"My arm is longer," Collin said, holding out the camera and then putting his other arm around her waist. He snapped a picture and Sarah impulsively leaned over to kiss his cheek, her arm around him.
It was that picture…the goofy one of her kissing him that he had put in his wallet. She sniffled and then pulled out the second picture, the ultrasound one of their child. He had put it straight away into his wallet…he was so proud of that photo. She held both pictures against her and then fell over on the bed and wept, sobbing.
Twenty minutes later, she sat up, took a breath. She put the picture of her and Collin back in the wallet, but took out the ultrasound one and slid it into the drawer of their nightstand.
She put the wallet back into the bag and slid off her bed. She went to knock on the door to Remus's room, him having arrived a few hours ago.
"Come in," Lupin called.
"Can I get you anything, Remus?" she asked.
"I'm fine, thank you."
"There are fresh towels in the linen closet by the loo and I did put fresh sheets on the bed before you came. The washing machine is in the kitchen if you need it. Just make yourself at home."
"I will," Remus responded, his voice quiet.
"Great. I'm sorry Harry dragged you here."
"It didn't take much convincing, Paddy," Lupin said, seriously. "Whoever did this to Collin was aiming for you too. I would never forgive myself for not coming and then something happened to you."
"I just hate that you had to leave Teddy behind."
"It isn't the first time. Teddy spends a lot of time with Andromeda and Severus."
"Well, regardless, he should come and visit often while you are here," she said, "I am his godmother after all. We can say he is visiting me if you don't want to break with protocol."
"That's kind of you," Lupin said. "What do you have there?"
She dangled out the bag, "Harry wanted Collin's personal effects. I want them back when he is done."
"Of course," Remus took the bag. "Now, do you need anything from me?"
Sarah's lip trembled and she shrugged, "What I really need, nobody can give to me. Excuse me." She fled the room.
She stared at the telly in her pajamas, unable to sleep. There was a special on Collin's life…and there was her and him, clear on the screen, holding hands, and sharing a laugh.
And then there was her at his funeral, clips of his funeral and life mixed in, played to the patriotic hymn that they sung at his funeral.
I vow to thee, my country, all earthly things above,
Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love;
The love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,
That lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;
The love that never falters, the love that pays the price,
The love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.
And it was in that moment, seeing his life, their marriage ceremony, his funeral played to the song that they had sung only yesterday, that she curled up into a ball and completely went to pieces at 2 am in the morning.
"Sarah," Lupin eventually knelt beside her as she lay on the couch, sobbing, the telly still playing clips of Collin's funeral in the background. He reached out a tentative hand for her head, rubbing it gently. "I had to check on you…but if you want privacy…"
"No," she sobbed, "please don't go."
"Let's turn this off, then, it's not helping," He tugged the remote out of her hand and clipped off the tv.
"He promised me an adventure and it was," she sobbed. "he was the perfect person for me. It's unbearable to lose him. It hurts so badly."
"I know," he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Paddy."
"Is this how you felt when Tonks died?"
"Yes," he rubbed her head, still kneeling beside her.
"Tell me it won't always feel this badly."
"You aren't a stranger to grief. You know it won't," he handed her the tissues.
"I just want him back," she wiped her eyes. "It's too hard. Facing what is next…it feel unbearable."
Lupin gently nudged her over so he could sit next to her. "But you can face what is next. One day after another."
"If only it was that simple," Sarah crumpled up the tissue, "It's so bloody complicated. I can't even turn on the telly…or read a newspaper…or anything without Collin being right there in front of me."
"So, turn off the telly for a while. Rent movies. Read books. Just do what you feel like you need to do. Don't let anybody rush you…not Snape, not Harry. But when you are ready not to hide away, and you will be one day, remember that there are plenty of people in this world…both wizarding and muggle, that love you deeply. And can help you go forward."
"I know I fought Harry on this, but tonight, I'm glad I wasn't alone."
"I'm glad you weren't either," He put his hand on her knee, rubbing it. "Why don't you lay down here and attempt to sleep? You are so shattered."
"Thanks for being a good friend, Remus."
"My pleasure," he covered her with a blanket and then moved to sit across from her in the chair. "I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."
"It's so late."
"I'm a werewolf," Remus smiled, "I've always been somewhat nocturnal."
She smiled. "Goodnight, Moony."
"Goodnight, Paddy."
Two weeks later:
"Is Sarah still held up in that muggle house?"
Harry nodded. "We have all tried. Especially Snape. She doesn't want to leave. Severus thinks we should just let her come back when she is ready."
"But you do have guards, yes?"
"Lupin stays with her there. And then we all have two aurors at a time on top of that. Nobody will be able to touch her."
"Did she at least take back her wand for protection?"
Harry shook his head, swiftly, "No, she adamantly opposes the thought of using magic. Snape had to strong arm her into allowing us to even provide protection."
"She blames all of us for Collin's death," Draco commented.
"She is tired of the wizarding world taking so much from her…and it isn't unjustified."
"And you have no idea who could have been behind the attack on Collin?"
"No. Two weeks of combing through every piece of information we have on Collin and Sarah…and nothing. We always knew Sarah could be a target…and Collin too actually…and we had been watching them, but there was high muggle security around both of them…and to be quiet for almost five years and then act? Something would have had to perpetuate it…but as for that trigger, none of us have been able to figure it out."
"Is Granger working on it?"
"She is as stumped as we all are."
"May I take a look?"
Harry gestured to him, "At this point, we'd welcome any help."
Draco began to sift through all the files. He worked for over three hours before rubbing his eyes. "Potter, where is the footage of Black at the funeral?"
"The muggle one?"
Draco nodded.
Harry flicked his wand and the video of Sarah at the funeral began projecting on the wall.
Draco watched it intently for the full hour before stopping it with his wand…"can we go back to the procession?"
"What do you see?"
"I'm not quite sure. Something I can't put my finger on," Draco frowned as he froze the footage again. Sarah was holding Snape's hand walking behind the coffin, before she had broke away to talk to the children from the orphanage, something that was much talked about in all the muggle papers later.
"Go forward to when she is speaking in the church."
Harry flicked his wand again, 'I still can't believe she stood up and did this," he commented as they watched Sarah go to the front of the church, next to the coffin and picture of Collin.
"She felt like she must," Draco said, "And I can believe it. She is bloody strong…always has been."
Harry nodded, "I don't disagree with you there. She has always been a force."
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
"When my mum passed when I was still a child, a verse read at her funeral was "The last enemy will be destroyed is death." But what I learned from her passing was that although she was gone, she is still with me." Sarah took a breath, her hand on her stomach lightly,"And I know Collin will be still with me until my dying breath…He was an extraordinary man, truly one of a kind. He loved his family, his friends and especially this country. And I know that the causes he championed, the things he loved, the things he taught us…about how to strive for peace, how to care for the needy and sick, how to compromise and work together beyond our prejudices of party and class, those lessons…they will be with us always." she took a visible breath, steeling herself,
"I believe that his greatest legacy will be for us to continue to love each other…to love our country…to continue to help make this world a better place. It's the greatest way we can honor him. I will never forget him…and" she turned to look at the coffin, "I know that in spite of his passing, my love…and his love…" her voice caught and sniffled, "It will remain with me forever." her fingers gently tapped against her stomach, "Thank you for allowing Collin and myself into your lives…and to your hearts. I'm so blessed and humbled by your kindness in the past four years, but especially in the past few days as I know that Collin would be too."
Draco froze the screen, looking at it intently, his fingers tapping against his cheek. He backed up the tape.
"I know that in spite of his passing, my love…and his love…it will remain forever."
Draco flicked his wand again to show Sarah and Snape walking hand in hand. He paused it again, again contemplatively.
Finally, he rose. "I need to talk to Sarah, Potter. Now."
"What do you see?"
Draco shook his head, "I want to confirm it with her first before I even speculate. It's too important if I have it wrong. It's a rather sensitive topic."
"But you suspect something," Harry said.
"Yes."
"And it could be a breakthrough."
"If true, yes, it would be the missing piece to all of this."
"Okay, then. Do you think she will see you?"
"I don't believe I am going to give her a choice," Draco retorted.
"I need to talk to you in private," Draco said, when arriving at Sarah's house.
"Hello to you too, Malfoy," Sarah retorted, her eyes narrowing, but he met her glare steadily.
Lupin and Harry looked at the charged moment between the two of them.
"We'll just give you a few minutes then," Harry said and he and Lupin went into the other room to confer.
"And what if I don't feel up for a chat?" she asked, pulling the piece of toast out of the toaster and plopping it on a plate.
She was wearing a large t-shirt and yoga pants, her hair up in a ponytail. He could tell she hadn't slept well in weeks.
"I just have a question for you. Just one," Draco said, crossing his arms, watching her fix a piece of toast and butter it. The tea kettle began to whistle and she reached for the pot holder to remove it from the burner, pouring it into her mug.
"Tea?" she asked.
He nodded.
She flipped open the cabinet and got down an extra mug, pouring a second cup.
She brought both cups over to the table. "Let's sit." she went back for her toast, also bringing it to the table.
"Can you answer one question for me?"
"If this about moving in with Snape and Andi, I'm not discussing it again."
"It's not that."
"Only one question…"
"Only one," Draco nodded.
Sarah blew across the top of her tea before taking a sip, "Okay, Malfoy, one question."
Draco took a breath, letting it out slowly, "How far along are you?"
She froze, completely still for a few minutes, Draco waiting patiently for her response.
Finally she pushed her tea aside, "Thirteen weeks yesterday."
"How long did you think you could hide this, Black?"
"Maybe a few weeks more," she said, "but I'm starting to jut out a bit, it's why I have stayed away. How did you figure this out?"
"I was watching footage of you at Collin's funeral to try to help Potter look for clues."
"And?" Sarah hugged her arms in the large t-shirt.
"You held your hand against your belly, just like you did when you were expecting our child."
She closed her eyes, "God, Malfoy."
"Sarah," Draco reached out to touch her arm, "You need to tell Potter and Lupin. They have to know how to protect you."
"I just thought…if I kept it a secret…"
"But someone already knows," Draco said, gently.
"Hear me out," Sarah reached for his forearm, gripping it, "If I am quiet about it and if I don't try to re-enter the magical world and If my child has no notion of it…which I don't want them to anyway, then…they can't say I'm doing anything to damage the magical world."
"You can't just hide this child away from Snape…and from your friends. You will need help with all of this."
"Snape can't stop his life for me. He's the Headmaster of Hogwarts and he is married for bloody sake. I will not be the burden in their life and marriage."
"That's rubbish!" Draco exclaimed, "Neither of them would see you as a burden. Andi and him both would want you to stay with them. But besides all of that, you are gambling that your logic is correct…that your inaction would be enough to convince them to stay away. Did that work for Kate?"
She bit her lip, "No."
"Whoever did this to Collin won't stop until they get at you. You must tell Snape and Potter. You have no other choice."
She frowned, "I'm not sure I can say those words to Dad. It's suppose to be so happy and my feelings are so jumbled right now. I have to tell him before Harry and Lupin though. And I still need to tell Collin's family."
"I can come with you, but you are going to need to stay with him. Even with all the aurors here, Hogwarts will be the most secure place for you."
"I know you are right. You are just telling me everything that I know already, but am too afraid to admit it."
Draco gave her a small smile, "That's honest of you."
"Do you want more honesty?"
"If you will give it…"
"Part of it is that I can't bear to be away from Collin…this home is a comfort to me right now."
"I know you need to mourn him, Sarah," Draco said, quietly, "but you know Collin would want you to do what you have to do to protect his child and yourself."
She let out a long breath, "I just don't think I can leave…and I don't think I can go back. The thought of being around magic makes my stomach churn."
Draco frowned and opened his mouth for a retort, but then closed it, only opting for, "I don't think you have a choice now, Sarah. We can debate this forever, but there is no way around it."
"In that case," she stood, "I need to pack. Will you give me a few minutes?"
Draco nodded.
"Tell Harry that I need to talk to Dad and then him."
"Will do," Draco took another sip. "Do you need to finish your toast first? You are looking a bit queasy."
"I'm queasy all the time. I'm hoping it will subside in another week or two like it did with Orion." She picked up the piece and bit it. "Will you clean everything up in here?"
"Sure," Draco said and Sarah took one more tiny bite before dropping it back on the plate and heading upstairs.
"I hate apparition!" Sarah declared as she held onto Draco.
"You didn't sick up this time," Draco raised his eyebrow at her.
"Not yet," she warned.
Draco quickly turned her around to protect his shoes and held onto her as she leaned over and lost the toast she had put in her stomach an hour before.
She groaned.
"Can't you take the potion you did before?" Draco asked, wincing at her heaving.
"No…magic!" she said, heaving some more.
"Alright, I hear you," Draco said, frowning, "Are you done?"
She took a breath, "I think so."
Draco hoisted her up and then offered his arm as they made their way to the castle and to Snape's office.
Snape was waiting for them at the door. "Potter floo-called."
Draco took her bag and sat it down by the couch. He pushed her down as well. "You need to sit before you faint."
"Is she alright?" Snape asked, concerned.
"Effects of apparition," Draco said.
"It looks like more than that. How much sleep have you gotten, Sarah?" Snape went over to her and sat next to her.
"Not much," she admitted. "My thoughts…at night…I don't feel safe."
"Why didn't you say something?" Snape put his hand on her knee. "I would have stayed with you."
"You have your job," she said. "And Andi. I'm not going to take you away from people who need you."
"You need me too," Snape said.
"I do," Sarah lowered her head to rest in her hands, "God, this is hard."
"I know it must be."
"It's more than that."
"I see," Snape said, slowly.
She sniffled. "I haven't been completely honest with you about everything…really important things."
"I see," Snape's hand reached around to rub her back, "Out with it then."
"I think they killed Collin because I'm pregnant with his child."
Snape inhaled sharply, his hand stilled on her back, "Why ever didn't you say so?" he asked, incredulous.
"Collin and I wanted to wait until we knew that nothing would happen- until I was 12 weeks. And then…I was scared to say anything."
"Even to me?"
"I know that was horribly unfair to you. Somehow, I thought if I kept it close to me, that maybe it would be safer that way. I wouldn't be flaunting my pregnancy. I've been so very afraid. I didn't know what else to do. But I'm sorry- I should have told you when it happened."
Snape moved to take her into his arms, "I know you must be frightened, but you don't have to bear this alone. I'm going to protect you and this child." She buried her head in his shoulder, beginning to cry against him. He squeezed her tightly. She cried for a few minutes, before raising her head.
"But Orion…" she sniffled, "We know what happen to Orion."
"We aren't going to let that happen again, Sarah," Snape told her firmly, wiping her tears with his hands,"put it out of your mind."
"But he was perfectly pureblooded and this child…he or she isn't…it's going to be harder to protect the baby."
"Nothing will happen," Draco spoke up, "we are going to find out who did this and we are going to make sure they never do anything like this again. I promise you."
"It's a promise you may not be able to keep, Draco," Sarah said.
"Look at me," Snape said, his hands on her shoulders, "Look me in the eyes."
She looked at him, and he continued,
"Rest assured, he will keep that promise," Snape said, his voice firm, "we both will. Do you trust us?"
"Of course," she said, quietly.
"Good," he wiped the plastered hair from her face, tenderly before turning to look over to Draco, "How did you know, Draco when I did not?"
"When there wasn't a break in the case, I decided to approach Potter to go over the case myself. I noticed at the funeral, Sarah kept putting her hand on her stomach…"
"Like she did with Orion," Snape finished for him, "I should have picked up on that."
"I didn't at first either," Draco said, "I was at the funeral too, but it was when I watched it again."
"It's settled then…you'll stay here with Andi and myself at Hogwarts."
"I will be imposing on your life."
"Andi and I already talked about it. We both want you to be with us if that is what you need. Teddy sleeps over often. It's not like we have loads of privacy to begin with."
"But how long will it be for?" she sniffed, "I can't just wait forever. This baby is a muggle. I can't raise it in the wizarding world."
Snape frowned at that pronouncement, "The baby is just as likely to have magical powers, than naught."
She shook her head, "I'm raising this child in the way Collin was raised."
"If the baby is a witch or wizard, you can't just can't suppress the baby's…" Draco began to speak, but Snape turned his head and shot him a look, silencing him.
Awkward silence fell when finally they were interrupted by a knock and Harry, Lupin and Andi came in.
Sarah rose and went over to Harry and surprised them all by wrapping her arms around her old friend, burying her head in his shoulder and beginning to cry again.
Harry's arms immediately came around her, patting her back. He didn't say anything, giving her time to speak first.
"I'm sorry you did all the work these two weeks when I had the answer. I feel awful lying to you."
Snape reached for Andromeda's hand, who had come to sit next to him. Remus stood by Draco, listening carefully.
"That's alright, Paddy," Harry responded, "Just tell me now, won't you?"
"I'm going to have a baby…that's what changed. It's the only thing that changed. I polluted my pure-blood."
Harry gently disentangled her from her grasp on him. He looked at her, squarely, "That's brilliant news."
"Is it?" she sobbed. "Really?"
"Of course it is. Did Collin know?"
"He was over the moon, Harry. He was so excited. I can't bear to think of raising our child alone. How can I protect him or her?"
"We are going to find whoever did this," Harry said, "You have my word, Sarah. And you are not alone. You have Ginny and I…just like our parents had each other. I am not going to let anything happen to my honorary niece or nephew…or my best friend. Do you understand?"
She nodded, her blue eyes meeting his green.
"But I need you here with Snape and Andi. I know you want to stay at Collin's house to be close to your memories, but I need you here. Hogwarts has ancient magical protections, not to mention its Headmaster is a bloody powerful wizard. You can't fight me on this. I also want you to take your wand back."
"No," she shook her head in anguish and held his forearms, squeezing them. "I will stay here, but I won't take my wand back."
"Just keep it in your bedroom…just in case."
"No, Harry. I cannot. Please understand."
Harry sighed, "Very well. It's enough now for you to promise to stay here. Then we can pull the resources of the aurors back to work on determining who did this."
"Are you angry with me?"
"Of course not. I love you, Paddy. We all do."
"Will you come and see me later for a talk?" she sniffled, "Please."
Harry gently untangled her grasp and leaned over to kiss her cheek, "Absolutely. We have loads to catch up on. I promise."
She turned to Remus, "Remus…" she sniffled. "I'm so sorry I kept it from you too. I wanted to tell you...for days."
"Oh, Paddy," He came over to her and gave her a hug, "It's okay. I suspected pretty early on."
"Did you?" she pulled away, her hands still on his arms, "Why didn't you ask?"
"I knew you would tell when you were ready…or when you couldn't hide it any longer, which wouldn't be too much longer. And I didn't want to put you in the position where you told me and I would feel compelled to report it."
"Thank you," she said, sincerely.
Lupin reached to run his finger across her cheek, "You're welcome."
She looked at Harry, "He won't get in trouble for suspecting and not saying anything, will he?"
Harry raised his hands, "I wouldn't dare."
Snape cleared his throat, "I'm not exactly happy…"
Andi poked him, interrupting him, "It's a good thing that she has such loyal friends, love."
Snape gave her a look and then shook his head, wearily. "I will not argue with you, Andromeda."
"Not in public at least," She squeezed his hand before rising gracefully, "Sarah, darling, let's go get you settled. You look exhausted. I think a rest is in order."
"Aunt Andi, will you make sure she eats some more?" Draco asked his aunt. "She vomited after apparition and her morning sickness gets out of control on an empty stomach…or it used to."
"Malfoy, for God's sake, I'm not a child," Sarah countered. "And I'm standing right here."
"Of course, you aren't a child, but it is considerate of Draco to care, isn't it?" Andi put her arm around her step-daughter. "Come along."
"Of course," she stopped at the door where Draco was standing, "Andi is right. Thank you for everything, Draco," she squeezed his hand.
"Anytime, Black," he leaned to kiss her head.
The two women left and when the door closed and he was sure they were out of hearing, Draco let out a long groan.
"She has to take her wand back! It's ridiculous. Can't you do anything, Uncle Sev?"
"You can't force her to take it, Malfoy," Harry countered.
"And coddling this notion that we are the enemy, that her magic is the enemy isn't going to allow her to heal. Uncle Sev, you know I am right," Draco entreated.
Snape contemplated it, rising, his robes billowing as he paced. Finally, he paused, "Give her time."
"And if she doesn't come to the realization herself…" Draco asked.
"Then…we will confront her about it. All three of us," Snape said. "Including you, dragon. Since you are so perceptive to her needs right now."
"Can you believe that she said that she wouldn't allow the baby to be raised with magic?" Draco crossed his arms.
"You can't take it personally," Harry said, "she's grieving. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose Ginny or our boys. And she is lashing out at the wrong thing."
"It's just the longer she mulls over this and seethes, the harder it will be to sway her from it," Draco said. "I can't believe Collin would want that for her."
"He wouldn't," Snape said, "he was as concerned as all of us with her breaking with her magic completely. We had a conversation about it over Christmas. He was talking over it with her. The last time we spoke, he indicated that she said she would take her wand the next time she was at Snape Manor and do a few spells with me."
"He was a good bloke," Harry said, patting his hair down. "He loved her so well. I have to get back to it now that we know what triggered the attack."
"Find this person, Harry," Snape said.
"I will. I promised Sarah. And I don't break my promises to her." Harry left and Draco stood for a minute with his godfather.
"Severus?"
"Yes, Draco?"
"Do you think Dad had anything to do with this?"
Severus paused, "I think…" he paused again, "I think that is something that you should explore separately from the ministry's investigation."
"I'll kill him if he did this to her."
Severus looked at him evenly, "If he orchestrated this, then we have no option in this regard."
"Do you think…she'll take back her wand…eventually?"
"I do think that is something that we will have to confront her on. As you very well know, she is stubborn."
"Can't you get through to her?"
"I have tried, Draco," Severus admitted, "This whole issue is a sensitive spot between the two of us. That's why I had to get Collin involved. To be honest, I think it will come down to you or Harry. But it won't be pretty. You will have to stand your ground with her."
"Very well. Let her get through her morning sickness with the baby. And then we were go on from there."
Snape nodded, "In the meantime, I will have to find something here to occupy her mind…that doesn't have anything to do with magic."
"What will that be?" Draco asked, incredulously. "We are in a school that trains magical children. One in which she has a history."
"I don't know," Severus said, "I haven't quite figured that one out."
"Potions?"
"You know she will equate that with magic."
"What if she just prepares ingredients or something?"
"It might make her morning sickness worse," Snape said. He ran his hands across his face, sighing. "Merlin, I was so much better with her when she was under age and I could just scold her and smack her and break her will."
"Her will is iron-clad these days," Draco mused, "What about muggle studies?"
"What about it?"
"We are supposed to be using the summer session to sort out the new curriculum for next term. Who better to review the information than Sarah?"
"She would be qualified," Severus said, slowly, "but how would I convince her?"
"You'll use your Snape powers of persuasion. Tell her how important it is for us to have accurate information about the lives of muggles to end the wizarding prejudices against them. Appeal to her sense of justice. She'll agree to it."
"That could work," Snape nodded.
"Great. I'll just be off then," Draco said.
"Thank you, Draco," Snape said, sincerely. "You really saved the day here."
"Happy to help," Draco responded, "By the way, congratulations."
Snape looked startled for a moment, but then realized what he was referring to. "I'm going to be a grandfather."
"Feeling old now, Uncle Sev?" he laughed at him.
Severus waved his hand at him, "Go on with you, Dragon."
But when Draco left, Severus sat down and looked up at the portrait of Albus. "Don't say a word."
"I wouldn't dare, grandpa" Albus said, his eyes twinkling.
Up next: Harry and Sarah reconnect, Sarah finds out the gender, and Draco confronts her about her magic.